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Trans Folks Reveal 30 Of The Biggest “Culture Shocks” They Had After Transitioning, Shared In This Online Group
Change is scary. Our brains want to be certain about things or else they start making us anxious, overthinking about all of the various possibilities, especially right when you need to get a good night’s sleep. This change is especially scary when it’s related to your identity.
Trans Redditors sat down to discuss some of the things that changed and surprised them after transitioning to their gender. Here are some of the most interesting examples of the “culture shock” people experienced after their transition.
More info: Reddit
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#1
I'm a game developer and probably know more about video games than most people. As a guy if I said I was a fan of this or that series it would basically be taken uncritically. Now, as a woman, in groups of mostly men when I say "I really like Metal Gear Solid" there's a weirdly high incidence of dudes feeling the need to quiz me to prove that I'm a "real" fan.
I mean catcalls and generally not being as safe in public also sucks, but we all knew about that stuff. The weird part was just not being taken seriously anymore on stuff I'm actually quite knowledgeable on.
Edit: The handful of replies to this doubting these experiences are a case study in irony. Way to prove the point.
Benita Valdez 1 year ago
Welcome to female gamer life darlin; it will only continue and may get worse. Though I will say it has gotten a tiny bit bettrr throughout the years because I'm now not looked at like a soulless liar when I say I game but don't play first person shooters
#2
The lack of pockets.
#3
As a man I could babble on about any number of b******t topics and people would listen intently. Now I'm surprised if I can even get a sentence in before I'm getting talked over.
that weird wallflower is demi 1 year ago
Yup, that's the life of someone who identifies as or looks/sounds like a woman is like. I hate it so. effing. much.
To gain more perspective on people’s reactions to how others present themselves, Bored Panda reached out to Hannah McKnight. She identifies as transgender, preferring the term “T-Girl.” She has made it her mission to find a balance between genders. You can read more about her on her website.
#4
I heard from a trans man that after he grew a beard he kept getting nods from other bearded men
#5
The amount of women in my family, my female friends, and even female acquaintances now confiding every single deep dark detail of their life in me, or just openly talking about their every bodily function.
I became "One of the girls" way before I was comfortable with it.
StrangeOne 1 year ago
Yeah, it will get weirder. I get uncomfortable, myself, with how candid other girls are with me.
#6
Girls are so nice to each other, it’s seems so strange that a random woman in the metro might just compliment me on my clothes, just like that.
Also, women's bathroom are dirty!
Benita Valdez 1 year ago
Yes and you will definitely know if a dress has pockets if you compliment it 😂 "I like your dress", "Thanks. It has pockets".
Hannah is a person of many interests and talents - she is deeply involved with trans activism, running a social and support group for transgender women called MN T-Girls, and modeling and writing for various publications about a variety of topics. She’s also currently working on her book In-Between.
#7
Holy F**k some men are creepy. I know it’s definitely not all men… or even most of them. But some of the stuff they say to women, do to women, casual misogyny. It’s not just a rare thing. It’s an everyday thing.
The guy clearly trying to get a picture up my dress, the guy groping me in a crowded bar, the guys at the table next to me very casually talking about what sexual stuff they’d do to me, delivery drivers texting and hitting on me.
over it already 1 year ago
Then they're shocked that we feel unsafe or if we get defensive. As I get older it happens less, but if you are 12-35 and even anywhere near attractive, it's awful.
#8
One of my close friends (mtf) was shocked when she started taking hormones because she was suddenly getting hangry all the time. She said something like, “I thought I knew what hangry meant, but this is a whole other level. I’ve started carrying snacks in my purse and I am so sorry to all the ladies in my life if I didn’t take you seriously enough when you said you needed to eat. I get it now, it’s way more intense than I ever experienced before hormones.”
StrangeOne 1 year ago
I never thought it was hormonal thing. I thought all men and women get hangry.
#9
male here. suddenly no one gives a s**t about me, i feel totally anonymous. no one makes any comments about me or double takes or smiles or anything. I’ll get a nod but that’s it.
Asked about what surprised her when presenting as female, she said that it “has really opened my eyes to how different a seemingly familiar world can be.” Other women are a lot chattier and friendlier, there are much more compliments - especially referring to small and subtle things, such as earrings or shade of lipstick.
#10
Cis dudes do NOT have platonic intimacy. The only time you guys ever really express genuine emotions with your friends is during sports and during shares traumatic experiences (I'm thinking military and first responders here). You guys are so emotionally starved. Talk about your feelings with your friends. Tell them that color looks good on them. Tell them you've been lonely ever since you moved to the new city. Tell them you're stressed about your sick cat and it's keeping you up at night. Tell them you miss your ex girlfriend's cooking and microwave hot dogs every other day is making you depressed.
And THEN, when your friend tells you he misses his ex's cooking, come over and cook some chili with him (WITH him. He's gotta learn to cook) and bring beer and listen to him cry about his ex and give him a hug (he's probably so touch starved). You'll both feel better after
Also unrelated but WHAT is with always giving each other a hard time? I feel like every conversation with a cis dude is a little bit of a competition and I don't get it
Skara Brae 1 year ago
Regarding the "giving each other a hard time" comment, I have lived in 8 US states (east, central, and west) and found that the "hard time" behavior most prevalent in the north east. It's a form of bonding, as long as you give others a hard time back to gain respect. It's not harmless, but it's not combat either; it's often intended as joking around, but it also cuts down people who are becoming too egotistical. I thought it was somewhat humorous for awhile, but soon became very tired of it. Certain ethnic comedy movie directors often have characters giving close friends and family members a hard time, leading me to believe this behavior has a cultural component.
#11
I’m a scientist, and now that people see me as a woman they are a lot more dismissive of my appeals to ethos. I anticipated this, because I saw my colleagues deal with mild misogyny on a daily basis, but it still hits different when you’re the target
#12
Although I am from Korea, I have spent a few years studying abroad in the US.
Friends of the same sex are frequently affectionate and intimate with one another at home. When I was among my pals, we were often embracing, holding hands, wrapping our arms around one another, etc. Even platonically, touch is just the universal language of love.
Moving to the US was a major culture shock for a variety of reasons, but that one was almost the biggest. When I initially arrived here, I was already terribly lonesome.And even when I did make friends, it seemed so superficial to me because there is nothing here that I am used to doing to express friendship and care. Even with the closest American friends I have known for a while, I still feel quite cut off from them. It makes me sad because I am unable to express the affection I have for my pals.
In the two years I've known him, I think I've embraced my best friend from America about twice. And we were both drunk the two times. I find it hurtful that loving people is so disparaged and viewed as strange.
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
THIS! I was made aware of how little physical affection single males get...and it often makes sense cuz dudes can go overboard and think that any woman who touches them is DTF. But that's not always the case obviously. And seeing bros refuse love and comradery from fellow bros....set your fúcking egos aside and step outside your comfort zone!
Hannah also gets hit on much more often than when presenting as masculine, but there is always the question of whether the person is hitting on a feminine person or if they are attracted to trans women. “This happens a lot more online, though,” Hannah continues, as “men tend to be bolder and have less of a filter when there's the anonymity of the internet.”
Some comment about Hannah’s legs or another physical aspect, while others make it plain that they find trans women very attractive.
#13
Human nature seems to be to complain. I knew the bad s**t that women go through but I was caught off guard by a lot of the good. A lot of women seem to just instinctively trust each other, which I was not used to.
Part of this is just that I was lucky to be surrounded by great people, but I was accepted as “just one of the girls” really fast. I came out before my Senior year and on my first day back to school I literally had someone who I had just met ask me for a painkiller because she was on her period.
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
The majority of women are on the same unspoken understanding regarding sort of a "global sisterhood", for a lack of a better way to phrase it.
#14
Two things:
I am a mostly passable 42 year old mtf on HRT for 2 years. In the 40 years I spent as a man, never once did anyone ever call me aggressive, hot headed, or rude in a professional setting. It’s happened 3 times this year alone. I also get interrupted far more frequently.
The second one is specifically regarding the Northeast: my work has me traveling from NYC to Maine and everywhere in between. Most people I run into don’t give a s**t that I’m trans. I can probably count on 1 hand any real transphobic comments I’ve received.
I never adjusted my voice after transitioning, so my voice does tend to cause confusion, and yet, rarely an issue. For this reason alone I can’t see myself ever leaving the northeastern US for warmer climates.
Benita Valdez 1 year ago
I can't speak for all of the northeast but us New Yorkers just seem to accept anyone. If you walk around Manhattan, noone really notices anyone and everyone goes about their day; just don't walk slow.
#15
As a "passing" almost fully transitioned male, ive been told to suck up my mental problems A LOT more (and by that i mean even more then a lot) then when i looked like a female
Edit: i get a lot of responses saying that i better get used to it and things like that; i am used to it its just very noticable
#16
People telling me what I should be wearing. Like I was at work one time in a super market a customer was like. “So when are you going to start wearing a dress.” “I worked on the freezer aisle so ... never? There are literally other women here right now, none of them are wearing a dress?”
Honestly the biggest surprise for me when I came out to all my friends. They were round for RPG night and I told them. They were all like “OK cool” apart from one who yelled “CALLED IT!” I had it in my head that there was going to be this hugely negative experience. That bit happened when I told my family. But you know what they say. You don't get to choose who you are related too.
Asked about the things that Hannah found out only once presenting as female, she had this to say: “There are a million things that I learned, and I could probably fill a book about the world as I've experienced presenting as different genders.”
One of the most significant things for her was understanding male privilege, especially regarding personal safety. The feeling of vulnerability when presenting as female was shocking and terrifying to her. Men would follow her more often, making her only park in well-lit areas, holding her car keys a certain way, and constantly looking over her shoulder as a precaution.
#17
Maybe a less common experience but I’ve been told I have oodles of “internalized misogyny”. I’m a gay trans man so because I transitioned and I’m attracted to men, I apparently hate women. I didn’t expect people to assume that I’m being sexist for existing as myself.
#19
FTM- people started listening to my opinions and taking my suggestions more often, and I get treated with more respect and talked to like an adult instead of like a little girl who doesn't know what she's doing. Yet, my knowledge and abilities haven't changed, it's just that I present male now. Guess that's male privilege.
Also, how little guys care about what people around them do. Never gotten even a side glance for going into a stall to pee, never had a man in the bathroom look at me like I don't belong there, and my guy friends treat me like one of the bros no matter how feminine I look that day.
#20
I transitioned really young (early teens). Even then I recognised the dynamic of adults treating me like a trouble maker when I was a boy, to almost going out of their way to protect me as a girl. For example teachers at school treating me like a nuisance to teachers in highschool really helping me with school work and my career aspirations.
WiggleJiggle the Emo Penguin 1 year ago (edited)
Yep, there is a very big difference in the ways my principal treats makes vs females. He tends to give the boys privileges and the girls are not given those same privileges. My other principal is the same but the genders are swapped around.
For people feeling anxious about presenting as their gender, Hannah had some choice words of encouragement. “It is absolutely worth presenting as the gender you are. It may not always feel like it, but I have no regrets embracing my identity.”
If you’d like to read more about Hannah, her work, and experiences, please visit her website! You may also be interested in reading her article where she details her experiences of men interacting with her differently based on whether they know that she is trans or think that she is cisgender.
#21
i'm a trans dude and people actually find me funny now. it's fantastic for me but sad to think about the root cause of that because my sense of humour hasn't changed.
also, i'm still figuring out the handshake thing dudes do to greet each other. like are we gonna fist bump, are we gonna go for the clasp and hug, are we gonna just go for the business standard? there's gotta be some rule for it but i am still mystified by it and f**k it up every time
User# 6 1 year ago
I might get thrown out of the men club for this but I'll tell you the secrets. 1- Never met before? = handshake. 2- Met before and got on great? = handshake, plus touch on shoulder if you really like them. 3- Met before and hate their guts? = handshake. Met before, got on like a house on fire, best mate ever? = upwards nod.
#22
Female friendships are weird af
Guy friendships were just straight up bullying
eachother consensually they were so much easier
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
Yep. Relationships that have more depth than grunting and farting take work and care.
Ken Beattie 1 year ago
i really hope that's just a joke that doesn't come across as one.
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A Wild Bean 1 year ago
I'll be friends with pretty much anyone, but yeah my guy friends are fun, mostly because they're either doofuses or philosophers, with no in-between
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Shannon Mallory 1 year ago
This is so true. I had a son and a daughter and from observation of them and their peers this is 100% true. Boys in general just _don't care_ that much about...stuff. Any stuff. They'd have a wrestling match every day to decide Alpha of the day of their pack, and that was it. Girls CARE. About EVERYTHING. And the drama...I'm blessed that my girl is very like her brother and just doesn't "get" the drama thing, but watching all her peers - daaaaaamn. Life's hard enough for ladies, stop making it worse.
Everest the bookworm 1 year ago
yeah thats why I have more guy friends as a girl I'm more of a blonde tomboy lol
#23
Woman here.
One of the first days I started presenting female I got hit on by an Uber driver.
That was kind of an awakening for me...
#24
The difference between being friends with people of same and different genders is shocking
Now that I'm out to my friends my guy friends treat me much differently. I'm one of them now, and it's a lot different than being friends with guys as a girl, or even being friends with girls as a girl.
WiggleJiggle the Emo Penguin 1 year ago
Yep, I think I do that naturally but only because my abusive parents taught me to not talk to girls. Jokes on those extremely religious a-holes, I’m gay!
#25
Benevolent sexism stings worse than I thought and it's so, so pervasive.
Becky Samuel 1 year ago
This one really annoys me too. I have a friend who is the same age as me, but male, half my body weight and with severe osteoporosis and neurological balance issues. And yet men will hold a door open for me and then drop it in his face, or offer to help me with something and leave him struggling. As for the "It's never okay to hit a woman" brigade; how about "It's never okay to hit another person"? My friend could be killed by a single punch, and yet I have friends who admit that they would step in to protect me over him because of my genitalia.
#26
Men’s restrooms are weird slits in the fabric of the universe where social norms don’t make sense anymore. Do NOT look at anyone. Do NOT speak to anyone. Grunting and moaning (to a gentlemanly degree) is acceptable so long as you are actively pissing or s******g. If you make eye contact with someone, it feels like they’re looking inside your brain at your most tragic secrets and you’re doing the same to them.
Also, there’s a fine misting of p**s on every surface. Which imo is an upgrade to pads on the walls.
Weasel Wise 1 year ago
I love how the OP had to mention grunts/moans are okay during active toileting....I wanna hear the story of the dude who makes those noises, and loudly, while cleaning his hands. 🤣
#27
Many women seeing me as a threat or feeling uncomfortable around me. That kinda stings. Before transitioning I had more female friends than male but now I feel it's really hard finding new female friends. I miss those relationships.
Edit: For clarification: I'm a transman, aka ftm, I'm sorry, I didn't make that clear.
#28
Almost no touching by non family members. When I was living as a woman they would give hugs, touch my shoulder or arms, even stranger wasn't always appreciated. As a man now they will shake your hand nothing else.
#29
just how open guys are with other guys
and how trusting they are.
i never thought that guys liked sharing their emotions until people started counting me as a boy.
for example:
recently my bsf opened up about how scared he is about being a teen father (he's 16, going on 17, and he accidentally got his gf pregnant.)
i helped him out and long story short i got asked to be the godparent.
#30
The conversations I have between men and women I guess. I feel like conversations with women are often deeper and more vulnerable whereas topics with guys are very much surface level and secretive. There's always more that should be said but never is when talking with guys. It feels limited in a way, but it is more than welcome by my social anxiety.
What do you think ?
ACE PIRATES 4 THE WIN 1 year ago
I’m not trans but the sexism in sports is unbelievable. Like, in PE class the other day me and my friend were told by the two boys on our team that they would do all the work and we were to sit on the side and try to help (if we could)
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
As an adult who plays and still enjoys team sports it is truly sad to see that sexism is still rampant in sports and even martial arts. I have been very fortunate that my competitive canoe team is accepting of all LGBTQIA+ people and that trans and non-binary people are welcome to compete on our team and at a local and national level where I live. However, sadly some trans and non-binary people may not be able to compete at an international level in this sport now due to other country's laws banning trans and nonbinary athletes from competing.
Load More Replies... crowspectre (he/they) 1 year ago
I was bullied a ton pre transition but since coming out and passing, no one judges me or is unkind just to be unkind. The only bullying I deal with is transphobic bullying
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
I am a cisgender queer woman, but really appreciated this article on BoredPand as it made me more aware of some of the many difficulties my trans and non-binary friends have to contend with. Thank you for featuring some positive LTGBTQIA+ content on this site.
oddly_informed_raven 1 year ago
nonbinary so this was more culture shock from getting involved in the LGBTQ+ community, but sweet gods is there a lot of infighting. To a scary degree. Aren't we supposed to all support and uplift each other?
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
I personally find way more supportive queer people than not but that might be the areas I personally hang out with online and irl
Load More Replies... Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
Honestly so many of these r sad I can't finish it. Realising how rough some people have their life
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
It is also showing users just how real transphobia is as trolls have been downvoting this thread for no reason other than to show hatred. It makes me sad that idiotic listicles about Karens and AITA posts get upvoted, but a lot of LGBTQIA+ on this site gets downvoted. Weird...
Load More Replies...
Kasey Dunton 1 year ago
I'm a transguy and have been out/transitioned for like 15 years now. One of the things that strikes me most is how lonely it can be to be a guy. I was never good at "being a girl," but there were a ton of groups and activities and "sisterhood" type activities. There isn't anything like that for guys. It's either networking where the whole point is to posture with each other, or a general hobby/affinity group with a mix of people/genders, etc. There's nowhere to get that sense of brotherhood/how to be a man/hanging out with people who check the same boxes. Even my once-single-gendered gay men's chorus is now open to anyone, and while I appreciate the equality it feels like it means losing that type of fellowship. I'm also gay post-transition, and holy c**p is homophobia against men more visceral and violent than it was when people thought I was an adorable probably-sorta-bi-chick. A lot more running for my life and having people shout slurs from moving cars than I expected.
ACE PIRATES 4 THE WIN 1 year ago
I’m not trans but the sexism in sports is unbelievable. Like, in PE class the other day me and my friend were told by the two boys on our team that they would do all the work and we were to sit on the side and try to help (if we could)
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
As an adult who plays and still enjoys team sports it is truly sad to see that sexism is still rampant in sports and even martial arts. I have been very fortunate that my competitive canoe team is accepting of all LGBTQIA+ people and that trans and non-binary people are welcome to compete on our team and at a local and national level where I live. However, sadly some trans and non-binary people may not be able to compete at an international level in this sport now due to other country's laws banning trans and nonbinary athletes from competing.
Load More Replies... crowspectre (he/they) 1 year ago
I was bullied a ton pre transition but since coming out and passing, no one judges me or is unkind just to be unkind. The only bullying I deal with is transphobic bullying
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
I am a cisgender queer woman, but really appreciated this article on BoredPand as it made me more aware of some of the many difficulties my trans and non-binary friends have to contend with. Thank you for featuring some positive LTGBTQIA+ content on this site.
oddly_informed_raven 1 year ago
nonbinary so this was more culture shock from getting involved in the LGBTQ+ community, but sweet gods is there a lot of infighting. To a scary degree. Aren't we supposed to all support and uplift each other?
Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
I personally find way more supportive queer people than not but that might be the areas I personally hang out with online and irl
Load More Replies... Aroace tiger (she/they/he) 1 year ago
Honestly so many of these r sad I can't finish it. Realising how rough some people have their life
LokisLilButterknife 1 year ago
It is also showing users just how real transphobia is as trolls have been downvoting this thread for no reason other than to show hatred. It makes me sad that idiotic listicles about Karens and AITA posts get upvoted, but a lot of LGBTQIA+ on this site gets downvoted. Weird...
Load More Replies... Kasey Dunton 1 year ago
I'm a transguy and have been out/transitioned for like 15 years now. One of the things that strikes me most is how lonely it can be to be a guy. I was never good at "being a girl," but there were a ton of groups and activities and "sisterhood" type activities. There isn't anything like that for guys. It's either networking where the whole point is to posture with each other, or a general hobby/affinity group with a mix of people/genders, etc. There's nowhere to get that sense of brotherhood/how to be a man/hanging out with people who check the same boxes. Even my once-single-gendered gay men's chorus is now open to anyone, and while I appreciate the equality it feels like it means losing that type of fellowship. I'm also gay post-transition, and holy c**p is homophobia against men more visceral and violent than it was when people thought I was an adorable probably-sorta-bi-chick. A lot more running for my life and having people shout slurs from moving cars than I expected.
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