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In general, people just looooove giving advice. Including me, I’m not ashamed to admit it. However, with times changing, some of the popular advice ceases to comply with a modern outlook, goes sour, and finally turns into pieces of really toxic self-care advice. Now, we cannot promise to shield you from the toxic advice that’s floating out there in the wilderness of the internet, but here’s what we can do - gather the bad advice that people have caught around, put as much of it as we can in one place (e.g., this article), and then present it as a cautionary tale. Most of this self-care advice gone sour comes from an excellent Reddit thread, so you can be quite sure that their being here is collective thinking.
Now, you might’ve never thought of it, but even such simple advice on self-care as the legendary ‘just be yourself’ is not really good advice. And here’s why - it works only if you’re a decent person, but it doesn’t do you any good if you need to do some personal growth. See? It’s so easy to get lost in the world of bad advice shared on the internet! Thankfully, the Reddit people caught these useless pieces and shared them with the rest of us so we could take a look at them from a fresh perspective (and, in some cases, stop giving them to other people!).
Now, this might not be a really pleasant list - after all, it’s all about toxic self-care advice - but it’s an educational one nonetheless. So, scroll down below whenever you’re ready to delve deep into the world of bad advice and check out the submissions. Rank the notions if you feel like it, and show this insightful list to your friends, too.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
"If you can't love yourself, how are you going to love anybody else?" "I love my girlfriend, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my cat. Still don't love myself! But that doesn't make my love for others any less meaningful!"
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
I share this everytime this 'advice' comes up: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201001/you-dont-need-love-yourself-first
RELATED:
#2
"This is a cure, (shows a picture of the woods), this is poison, (shows some antidepressants). Shut the f*ck up, some people need antidepressants to function. Going for a walk in the woods will not just magically cure your depression."
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
The antidepressants help me get the motivation to get up and take a walk in the woods.
Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
Walk in the woods helps, dragging your a**e through the woods as a way to perform mental health, while you just want to curl up and watch tv, is the opposite of helping
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
Like a walk through the woods is going to fix a chemical imbalance. Ignorance or stupidity
Sami-Jo Ross 2 years ago
I need my stabilizers just to be able to function. A walk in the forest will literally set off my anxiety.
#3
"Happiness is a choice." "Damn, I must be choosing depression then I guess."
Weasel Wise 2 years ago
It should be legal for any person with depression to throat punch any clueless as$wipe that says this to them.
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
I hate it when people would tell me that! It's not a choice when you have mental illness. Like why would someone choose to be miserable? No one would, if it was a choice
#4
"People have it worse than you." "That may be true but that doesn't invalidate your emotions."
2 years ago
"If you have a broken arm, and someone has two, does that make yours hurt any less?"
Michelle C 2 years ago
I do believe this is well intentioned, but it is still not acceptable. Pain is pain.
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I had to explain to a friend that his saying that to me wasn't the best way to be supportive when I was in a serious depressive episode. Someone is always going to have it worse than you, but that doesn't mean that what you're going through is less important. He sees this now.
Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
Reminds me of the person who posted a photo where a flood was bringing water into their house, and the comment was about how people have it worse and they didn't want to complain. Like that's your floor under water! It's bad enough!
#5
"If people don’t like you for who are, that’s their problem." "No, sometimes you’re a jerk. 9/10 the common denominator rule stands." GozerDGozerian replied: "My dads version of this was, 'If everywhere you go smells like dog sh*t, it’s probably on your shoe.'
Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
Having the experience of having a good portion of classmates hate me at age under 10 with the leadership of the teacher. Was really not fun. They did say I was insufferable, but I couldn't quite figure out how to fix myself. I did try. I also have had lower self esteem than a sewer rat
#6
"If they can't handle my worst, they don't deserve my best." "Funny how those people are always at their 'worst.'"
Hedonism Bot 2 years ago
If you at your worst aren't at least close to civil, YOU don't deserve THEM.
#7
"Find a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." "First of all, even a job you love is going to suck... often. That's why they pay you to do it. This advice leaves you feeling like a failure whenever you have a bad day at work. Plus, there's a lot of value in working for a living and finding your satisfaction at a more personal level."
Crystal Pearson 2 years ago
I think the meaning behind this is to find what you love and find a way to turn your passion into income
Sonja 2 years ago
That's still bad advice that'll make your passion into drudgery. Fact is: as soon as you start monetising anything you add pressure. And pressure and passion are not working together.
Load More Replies...
#8
"The whole 'blood is thicker than water' advice where you should feel obligated to be loyal to your family no matter what. If they are toxic or abusive then there is no reason for you to keep that around in your life, especially if it is detrimental to your own well-being/mental health."
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
I HATE when tv shows end with a "and you have to forgive them because FAMILY" moment. No. Just no. This is not only bad advice, it can be absolutely dangerous as well. Family is not a free pass. Forgiveness has to be earned, even from family.
Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
It's actually even misunderstood. Blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Meaning the connections you make are more lasting and important than the genetic links you have. So I would prefer family is what you make of it, meaning your actual family and your genetic relations are two different things and the emotional family is more important
Sonja 2 years ago
But that's still toxic because now 'friends' get the free pass. Why not just treat people fairly and give those second chances who deserve them and have proven to be loyal in the past? No matter who they are.
Load More Replies... Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
I cut all contact of toxic people. Don't care if it's 'family' or friends or whomever. If you're toxic, I say bye to you
Samyan Elrod 2 years ago
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. Does that make pancakes more important than family? I think so.
Michelle C 2 years ago
The whole adage is: “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” In other words, family is often about who you choose as much as if not more than those who are related to you biologically.
Tucker Cahooter 2 years ago
Unconditional loyalty to family is what allows all these psychopaths to continue to get away with murder (literally in many cases)
Hedonism Bot 2 years ago
Heck, this site regularly has articles quoting Reddit threads to the tune of "Am I the a*****e for standing up for myself against my toxic relatives?"
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
The whole saying is: The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago (edited)
Almost certainly an internet "factoid" rather than being true. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blood_is_thicker_than_water
Load More Replies... #9
"Anything is possible if you work hard enough." "No! Not everything is possible. You’re not going to be the new Nelson Mandela, the president of the USA, or the new pop artist. I’m sorry to tell you but it’s true."
Weasel Wise 2 years ago (edited)
Hard word begats more hard work. If you think it paid off, there's a 90% chance Life is pulling a fake-out on you and your reward was temporary. Now get back to working hard for more of those "rewards".
Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
Ah here I thought jumping up while flapping my arms would mean I'll eventually learn to fly
LK 2 years ago
Not everything is possible for everyone, but someone WILL become the president of their country. Some WILL become the next big popstar. Some WILL become the new campaigner for justice and equality. Hard work isn't enough. There are so many factors. However, if your don't work hard, and you don't reach for it, then you WON'T get it.
#10
"You should forgive/love all people." "Nope. There are people who have committed irrevocably awful things, and I choose not to forgive them, ever."
Emy Loves 2 years ago
We are meant to forgive others for our own benefit and peace. I wish more people would understand this. Forgiveness sets us free and will heal one's heart. Otherwise, bitterness and resentment sets in and it will only hold the victim back, not the abuser. Forgiveness is one of the hardest feelings to master but it's one of the most rewarding and freeing one as well.
Lisa H 2 years ago
It takes a LOT for me to actively and actually hate someone. I HATE my sister's abusive ex-husband. I HATE a certain relative that did certain horrible things to a certain other relative when they were just a child. Thankfully, that person is dead now and cannot hurt anyone else. I cannot and WILL NEVER forgive them because they will never deserve it. Another thing, forgiveness can absolutely be conditional. For example, I can forgive a former friend of mine for something awful she did to me at a very vulnerable time in my life, but only if she acknowledges that she was wrong and apologizes. I won't ever be friends with her again, but I will at least be able to think about her without it hurting.
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
You can, and should, move on, but that does not mean you have to forgive them. Don't let it consume you, don't spend every day dwelling on it. But unless they earn it, you don't have to forgive them.
#11
"Guilt is a wasted emotion." "Pretty sure it was Wayne Dyer who published this nonsense in the 80s. Having at least some guilt is a good sign that you're not a psychopath."
#12
"There's no wrong way to parent." "As a child of abuse, there are absolutely wrong ways to parent. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that the majority of chronic mental illnesses are the result of bad parenting practices because wrong parenting can f*ck up every body system. Every parent should consult a child psych professional just like they consult a pediatrician about their child's wellbeing. They're professionals who have the education to read research studies regarding child development and can direct a parent on how to raise a healthy child."
Stardust she/her 2 years ago
My parents believe that the mental health facilities are useless and that doing meditation and exercise is the *only* way to not get any mental dosorders
Philler Space 2 years ago
Maybe there's no one right way to parent, but there are plenty of wrong ones. There's no one way to make mac n cheese either but if you do it in a toilet the results will still be s***.
Sonja 2 years ago
One could argue that abuse is the opposite of parenting, the ultimate way to NOT parent. Then the statement is still true, depending on how you define parenting. For me parenting is 1. fulfilling your offspring's basic needs 2. take care of your offspring's basic emotional needs and 3. ensuring they succeed in life and adapting your ways of doing so in regards on how well your offspring's developing. It doesn't matter how you do either of those, as long as it ends with children growing into reasonable and physically as well as psychological healthy adults, you've done parenting.
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
Problem. No child expert agrees on what the right way to raise a child is. Most of it is just common sense, and love. Unfortunately there is not much of that left in the world
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
Whoever said that and believe that, are idiots and shouldn't reproduce
Axle McDowal 2 years ago
My parents dont believe in depression. I dont have to say much more than that I believe
V 2 years ago
One of the many, many reasons I went NC with my family was the denial of mental health issues in my family despite multiple successful and failed attempts at self unaliving by multiple members of the family across the generations.
Load More Replies... #13
"Any kind of advice that tells you to test friendships by withholding contact to see if they'll notice or straight up tells you to drop friends that don't reach out to you regularly. This is a very selfish and passive-aggressive thing to do. If you miss your friend then call them up, don't play cat and mouse games. Maybe they have s*it going on in their lives, the world does not revolve around you."
Roadkill The Brave 2 years ago
I have ADHD and my friends have busy lives - sometimes we don't talk for a couple of weeks because work and life get in the way. It happens.
Kise Miarse 2 years ago
I think this one depends. If you're making an effort in a relationship but you *never* seem to factor into the other person's world - it's time to at least examine whether continuing the relationship is worthwhile. No need for silly mind games though.
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
I may not talk to my friends all the time. But I check and see how they are doing and they do the same to me. People feel, they are the only ones in a person's life. I don't expect people to respond to me right then. I know people have lives
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
Unless you're paid to do it, aka being a teacher, a quality manager or anything of that sort, no human being on earth has the right to 'test' anyone else outside of a business situation. You are not better than your spouse or morally superior to your friends. You are not royalty or a god. The moment you try 'testing' anybody out of the blue, you've proven you are not worth them.
Demosthenes 2 years ago
Testing friendships? What TikTok black voodoo magic is this? Folks, if it sounds batshit crazy, it is
Axle McDowal 2 years ago
My sister told me this about a year ago, and being the naive smart yet also slow person I am, I believed her, but now I think I should give some people a call.
Lucía Hanzo 2 years ago
Yes but if you try to get contact with that person who was a good friend years ago and this person just apply the "seen" treatment. It happened to me when I had written to this girl. Good friends or that was I thought. I knew that she were working at a store which it was robbed so I just wanted to see if she was ok. She never answered the message. But I know she could have read it. So...
#14
"Why are you sad? You have everything to be happy." "Even if there are few happy things in your life you don’t need to be ashamed to feel sad or depressed."
kitten levels tokyo 2 years ago
Why do you have cancer? You have so many cells in your bod… oh, never mind.
Load More Replies... Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I always feel guilty when I can't enjoy the things that would make me happy.
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
When I would think of all the good things, it just made me feel guilty and more depressed
Sami-Jo Ross 2 years ago
"Stop feeling sad!" "Okay, I'll just tell my brain to stop with the chemical imbalance that prevents it from making the happy chemicals."
#15
"Show them what they’re missing." "No. Just do better for yourself."
Killing_Time_At_Work 2 years ago
i love this.. and do you know what its so f@#king true fucus on you do better for you find yourself before searching for someone else
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 years ago
Don't give them the ole razzle dazzle, give yourself the oke razzle dazzle.
#16
"You have to love yourself before someone else will love you." "I can say from experience that sometimes you need someone else to love you first. There was a time when my girlfriend saw value in me before I saw it in myself."
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201001/you-dont-need-love-yourself-first
Kaylynn Willprecht 2 years ago
exactly i hate it when people tell me that i need to love myself in order to be loved
Gay Potato 2 years ago
It took my boyfriend loving me to help me love myself. They uncovered a version of me that ive never seen before and i could not be more grateful. I finally love who i am and there's no way i couldve done it without them
#17
"Don’t go to sleep while angry at your partner." "Such stupid advice. The longer you stay awake the more tired and irritable you get, and the fight will get worse. It’s like trying to dig yourself out of a hole. Many times my wife and I have been in bad arguments late at night, and then we just go to sleep and after a good night's rest we talk it out and realize that we were just both in bad moods because we were tired."
Deborah Harris2 2 years ago
It's never let the sun go down on your anger, personally I would sleep better knowing an issue had been resolved and that tomorrow was going to be a new day.
#18
"Follow your heart." "Honestly, this statement almost never works. Sometimes love can be toxic, and maybe the correct decision is painful. Maybe it pains you to leave someone. Your heart shouldn’t rule you."
#19
"Stop looking for love and it will come to you." Maybe that works if you're naturally attractive and naturally interested in things that enhance your attractiveness (working out, makeup, fashion, whatever). But if you're a shy, introverted person of average-to-below attractiveness... this is good advice to stay sad and alone forever."
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
If you aren't looking for love, you fall into the oblivious state where you don't notice that people are attracted to you and actually flirting with you. I know that I friend zoned so many girls just because I was working on myself, and wasn't looking. Then two years roll by and I'm happy with me, and the realization comes that chicks were hitting on me! I was just so oblivious because I wasn't looking for love. If you aren't looking for something, you won't notice it.
TheNightOwl 2 years ago
Honestly, it sounds like it was on them, not you. Nobody has time for that vagueness nonsense. They should have said the magic romance words: “IN CASE YOU ARE NOT AWARE, I AM FLIRTING WITH YOU.”
Load More Replies... Remi (He/Him) 2 years ago
This is a good advice for those who're being desperate for love, because they keep scaring off people. Otherwise, keep looking
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
Nothing happens unless you make it happen. I had a friend who did the "it will happen when I'm not looking" thing, for TEN years. I kept telling him, go out put yourself out there. Make it happen. When he finally took my advice? He met the girl he married.
#20
"Money can’t buy happiness." "Maybe not but it really helps with the will to live. Without the means to live, there’s no real will to live. Baseline, everyone should have the means to live."
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
Money doesn't buy happiness is only said by people with money. If I didn't have to constantly worry about money, or if I had to choose between paying a bill or buying food, I would be so happy. There are billionaires out there who could make so many people happy if they just paid more, or maybe sponsored initiatives to help the poor. Hoarding wealth doesn't make you amazing, it shows how much you hate your employees
Max M 2 years ago
Who would know that money don't buy happiness?? People with money. That is like telling a research expert in a field that you know more than them, even though you know nothing about it. You need to compare it to a line of decent living income, the poor is under, the rich is over. The poor know it sucks to be under it The rich know that it doesn't make you happier to be way over that line
Load More Replies...
Philler Space 2 years ago
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy you a better class of problems.
#21
"The 'how not to give a f*ck' nonsense. I agree, don't give a f*ck what people think if you enjoy a certain type of music. But do give a f*ck about how your actions affect other people. Unfortunately, it seems that many people just take it to mean don't care that you might hurt other people. In order to self-care and self-love, it is important to consider what consequences your actions have on the world around you."
Sonja 2 years ago
It's important not to try to change yourself just to make others happy, you should do what you do because it's the right thing to do. As advice for people who tend to set themselves on fire it's pretty solid advice. But sadly obnoxious AHs who never care for others anyways have taken it to excuse their bad behaviour
#22
"That 'self-care' is just pampering yourself and relaxing. Real self-care is hard work. Cutting out bad habits, reducing causes of stress, ending bad relationships, etc."
#23
"'Man up', 'keep it together', or 'be strong' when you’re either in pain or on the verge of tears for different reasons as if crying is a sin when you’re a guy."
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
The manliest thing you can do is to not care if other people think you are manly or not.
Axle McDowal 2 years ago
My dad gives me this advice. He is that parent who believes guys shouldnt cry. So I cant have normal human feelings?
#24
"Ignoring your issues/pain/negative emotions for the sake of 'positivity.' Sometimes life sucks, and it's OK to feel that and work through it. Being happy all the time is impossible, so trying to be will only break you."
Amanda Lynch 2 years ago
Toxic positivity is a thing. You gotta let yourself feel and process emotions or else they just bottle up until they explode
Gay Potato 2 years ago
Ignoring my negative thoughts and anxiety for the sake of 'being positive' that my family pushed on me led to my longest and deepest depression, that I'm still fighting to get out of. Toxic positivity is real and incredibly damaging
#25
"No one can hurt your feelings without your permission." "If someone I care about says something offside, OF COURSE, I will consider it truth until I prove otherwise. That's just respect. I'm not going to blindly assume everyone is wrong if they say something that hurts. I think that advice is trying to turn people into sociopaths."
Sonja 2 years ago
That statement is toxic for one simple reason: no one, and I mean it! No. One. controls their feelings. Feelings just are. You can't stop feeling a certain way and you can't make yourself feeling a certain way. Feelings are the reaction to the world. But we can control our reactions to our feelings. And we must look at them and ask ourselves why we feel that way before we act. People can and will hirt our feelings. There's nothing we can do about that. But we can and must decide what to do about that and weigh our options. Feelings are facts. But that doesn't mean they have to rule our lives. And it doesn't change another fact: everyone is responsible for their own actions and their own life. You are the only person able to understand your feelings. And you are the only person able to manage them by choosing appropriate consequences.
#26
"If a disabled person can do this, what’s YOUR excuse?" "There are many valid reasons someone might not want/be able to do something. And, you know, that statement just makes a disabled person’s accomplishment into someone else’s lesson. Keep that inspiration to yourself. (That’s not to say you can’t feel inspired by disabled people, but don’t make their skills all about you)."
Sonja 2 years ago
It also diminishes the disabled person's accomplishments. Just because they're disabled doesn't mean the task was easy. There was a woman who swam across huge river by herself, her trainer accompanying her in a boat. She had no arms and legs. Still she had to train years to be able to do it and it was a feat not many able bodied people ever managed to do. It was even harder for her with her disability, but still it was a difficult task for anybody and not something an able bodied person could just do if they choose to.
Axle McDowal 2 years ago
"If a disabled person can do this, what’s YOUR excuse?" "I simply don't want to do that, Mom and Dad. What's so hard about that?" If it doesn't fall into YOUR line of interest, then don't f*****g do it.
#27
"Positive vibes only." "You just need to stay positive - people use it because they think it's uplifting but it's actually quite dismissive. Often people say it when people voice sadness, frustration, emotional fatigue, anger - basically any other emotion but happiness. A positive attitude can get you a long way but so can acknowledging and letting yourself/others feel emotions."
#28
"It's not really advice, but it's popular for people to label themselves as 'brutally honest.' Honesty is good but beware of people who are more interested in brutality than honesty." girlnumber_three replied: I once read something that said “honesty without kindness is cruelty,” and I think about that a lot when I’m deciding whether or not to say something.
Doctor Strange 2 years ago
People who claim to be brutally honest are more interested in being brutal than honest.
Sonja 2 years ago
It's so easy: have you been asked a question and what you're about to say is an honest answer to that question then you're honest. If you blurt out your opinion without being asked or add opinionated cruelties that were not neccessary to answer the question then you're just a bully. If your friend asks you if you like her dress saying no is honest if it's true. But adding anything about her body or her age as an excuse to 'be honest' her is not honest, it's cruel and uneccessary.
#29
"Cut out anyone who doesn't add value." "Such a 'I'm the main character' mindset. Not everyone around you will add direct value to your life but they certainly contribute to your environment and may have a bigger role in your life one day. Burning bridges just for the sake of it is silly."
kitten levels tokyo 2 years ago
I would comment on this, but someone is downvoting EVERYTHING in this listicle.
#30
"Anything about living life with 'no regrets.' You know who actually has no regrets? Someone with an anti-social personality disorder. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes and being self-reflective."
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
The best spot for that would be on your forehead
Load More Replies... #31
"You're always gonna be the villain in someone's story." "But if that keeps happening over and over again, maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why that is."
#32
"OMG, as a woman, I feel like stuff like face masks and pedicures, manicures, etc., is constantly pushed on us as 'self-care' to the point where you almost get conditioned or peer-pressured into believing it is, even if you don’t genuinely enjoy it. Like, I know some women do, but honestly, it took me a while to realize I freaking hate getting my hair done, boring skin masks feel like a chore, and I hate getting my nails done. I think a lot of women feel similar to me, but it’s just this culture's go-to 'treat' for a woman. Most of it is really boring and tedious and kinda like going to the dentist."
Neuridivergent 2 years ago
Same for the Mary Kay "treat yourself like a queen". That stuff is ridiculously expensive and buying it would stress me out.
Emptycaketin 2 years ago
Treating yourself is mostly just a market made up for people who want to justify spending money they don't have for "self-care".
Kimberly Buchanan Fisanick 2 years ago
I e Never been a girly girl. So I've never done that stuff and doubt i ever will
#33
"Ignore the haters." "Sometimes the 'haters' are people who love you and want to warn you of potential pitfalls (such as MLMs, cults, abusive relationships, etc)."
#34
"If it's meant to be..." "Bulls*it. Nothing is 'meant' to be. The world is full of people that are 'supposed to be together' or not living the life they should have/could have, or not doing the thing they were 'made to do.' Things flourish or fall apart mostly due to your behavior and your choices. You can totally f*ck up a good thing that is perfect for you. Act accordingly."
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
Somethings are meant to be... All of my cats are cats that picked me. They were never the cat that I wanted, but they chose me so I took them home. All of them so loving, sometimes clingy, but great cats. However, my best example of something " meant to be" is the woman I'm going to marry! We met on Tinder, when she was traveling. We both must have been on the app at the same time when she was at the airport, waiting for her flight home. It was love at first sight for me, but she actually lives in South America. We started talking everyday and we fell in love. She comes to visit and stays as long as her tourist visa allows. When she's in her home country we talk every day. She's the most beautiful girl, and my best friend, so I know it's going to last. I know that it was "meant to be"!
#35
"Retail therapy. Doesn’t make sense to go buy yourself a bunch of stuff if you’re gonna stress about money later."
#36
"If you're the one who's always reaching out and making plans, are they really your friend?" "If plans are getting made and followed through on, then yes. Some people have anxiety that makes it difficult for them to reach out, and those people don't deserve to be cut off just because of that. Now, if you're always trying to make plans with someone and they don't respond, can't make it but don't suggest any alternative date/time, or cancel at the last minute - at that point, it might be worth having a conversation with them or re-evaluating things. But it's fine to just be the one who asks other people if they want to hang out."
Sonja 2 years ago
No matter why some people never start planning, sometimes it's better to find someone else who at least makes an attempt now and then. It's burdensome and tiring to be the one who always carries the relationship and definitely not working out long term. No matter why, if someone never initiates anything and never takes responsibility to the point it gets tiring, cut them out. Your life will be better without them. I get your anxiety and you have my heartfelt sympathy. But it's still your responsibility to deal with that and work on it. If you can't ever contact me or make a plan for us, and don't work on that because me shouldering all the maintenance is working out for you, then you're not a good friend. You're a burden. Is it fair that you have anxiety and miss out of things because of that? No. But it's also unfair to expect others to bear the burden of your problem and make things work. They have their own problems too, and you can't expect them to always take care of yours.
#37
"Opposites attract." "Maybe, but people with shared interests and values stay together."
Kise Miarse 2 years ago
I think this works if you're opposites on a superficial level - different hobbies, different preferences. You need to agree on the core/important matters to have longevity.
Christopher Barnhouse 2 years ago
Except when they are such a great match because they "have so much in common".
#38
"Astrology? I'm glad it gives you comfort but if you start basing life decisions on the effects of the stars, you're probably going to have a bad time."
#39
"You should never feel bad or uncomfortable." "How do you ever learn and grow?"
Sonja 2 years ago
Actually I don't like this. It's what a bad parent would say to excuse not caring for their kids. It's true that ideally you should never feel bad or uncomfortable, reality is that life will throw enough of nasty stuff at you, no one needs to artificially create situations to teach you that life is cruel. Parents should never actively make you feel bad and uncomfortable. Instead they should let you experience the natural nastiness that will come your way but help you through it as good as they can.
Weasel Wise 2 years ago
What the F? Is this something people really think?! Unless you're ignorantly-rich, I don't think this is a thing people say.... right?
#41
"Encouraging plastic surgery. Our society is so geared towards having women look a certain way. I fell into that mindset, got plastic surgery, and could have lost my life. Thankfully I was able to have it reversed, but am still paying for it years later. It’s so much more dangerous than people think."
#42
"All that matters is that you are happy." "No, that is inaccurate. Your happiness is important but it is not the most important or only thing in the world that matters. Sometimes we sacrifice our 'happiness' to give someone else a taste of their own happiness and oftentimes will end up bringing you joy or satisfaction as well. Only caring about your own happiness is called narcissism."
#43
"Be who you are." "Is only good advice if you're a good person." Antnee83 replied: "A lot of people take this to mean that literally anything and everything about yourself is above criticism, and yeah its super effing toxic. It's basically, 'Don't improve yourself.'"
#44
"Stop texting people first to see who your friends are." "What if they're doing the same thing and you just ended a friendship due to a misunderstanding?" wonkyboys replied: "Any form of testing your relationships like that is basically heading towards abuse territory. Imagine if a guy decided to stop responding to his girlfriend to see if she loves him enough. Yeah no."
Dkside 2 years ago
Honestly if you're playing these kind of games with your friends, you're not a very good friend.
Sonja 2 years ago
I said it before and I say it again: wanting to test associates is a sign of a horribly inflated ego and narcissism. If a person truly sees others as equal, is truly respectful and deserving of loyalty, they wouldn't dream of testing their friends or partners.
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#45
"That you should expect unconditional support love and acceptance from friends or romantic partners. Popular idea, but if people really care they will tell you when you are harming yourself or others rather than just keep the vibe chill."
Sonja 2 years ago
People who criticise that should read what unconditional love means. Yes loving someone should always be unconditional, otherwise it's not love at all anyways. But love doesn't mean anymore that love. You can love someone unconditionally and still disagree with them or deny them something. Loving someone doesn't mean to do everything they want. If someone you love does something bad, exposing them is not a sign that you don't love them. Everyone has to bear the consequences of their own actions, and loving them doesn't make you responsible for what they do or result in any obligations to protect them from their own mistakes. You should, for example, always love your child. But if you see them planning a murder you should still report them.
#46
"YOLO." "No, you only die once. You live every day."
#47
"Treat others the way you want to be treated." "It should be 'Treat others the way they want to be treated.' This implies you take the time to consider their point of view and desires and how your actions might negatively affect them even if they wouldn’t negatively affect yourself."
Sonja 2 years ago (edited)
Honestly the holden rule is a good start. You can't analyse everyone and everything. You don't have the time and opportunity and you're not everyone's therapist. So start with treating everyone the way you want to be treated and make adjustments when neccessary and you'll be fine most of the time. Nobody's perfect but with that advice, you'll be pleasant enough.
#48
"If he's not willing to fight for you, then he's not worth having in your life." "This mentality really f*cked me up when I got dumped and I thought that I had to keep on fighting and pushing to prove I was worthy. Sometimes it's not about wanting it enough, it's about respecting the other person's decisions. Not to mention that if someone is trying to pull this just to see if you're worthy, then they are absolutely not."
#49
"It’s ok to be selfish." "I agree that it is ok to put yourself and your needs first but up to a certain point. Last year I was going through a lot with work and my home life and also had finals. I took this self-care tip too literal and didn’t give my friends or family any time. When my friend came to me with a problem she was facing, I almost shrugged it out because I was being selfish dealing with my own problems. I realized my mistakes and although I do still tell myself it’s ok to be selfish, I can now recognize that there is a time and place for it."
#51
"Do whatever feels right." "Sometimes what feels right is cutting your veins open but that's not gonna heal you."
Axle McDowal 2 years ago
"Do whatever feels right." Yeah but that can effect people around you too.
#52
"The idea that, 'You don’t owe anybody anything', which is often used to justify ghosting your friends, prioritizing your mental health above others feelings."
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
You don't owe anyone anything. Just as no one owes you anything. To think that you are owed just because it effects you is a silly way to look at the world. You are going to be very disappointed.
#53
"Open your heart to the world." "Nope. The world is a complicated and often dark and bad place that will eviscerate your heart. Open your heart to the people you care about and trust. They make it worthwhile."
#54
"Just push through it." "It's the worst. It sidesteps everything that you're dealing with, minimalizes and trivializes all of your problems, and leaves all of the blame and weight of the situation on you without offering anything at all."
#55
"Don't do anything you don't enjoy." "Life is going to be full of things you don't enjoy, but they usually lead to good benefits, so keep it up and do it."
#56
"Once you fall out of love with someone, you cannot fall back in love with them." "Worst advice I ever got. I'm so glad I gave it a second try."
#57
"The girls who are always posting about 'Treat yourself' or 'If he doesn't treat you like a (queen emoji), it's time to find a new one.' Nah, one is bad financial advice if you know you can't afford something don't do it, and the other is not how partnerships work. You should be each other's best friends, not worshipped like he's your subject desperate for your approval. If your ideal relationship is one of superiority instead of equality then you probably have mental health issues."
#58
"Surround yourself only with positive people." "If you're willing to cut people from your life when they are a bit down, that's a recipe for people hiding the negatives in their life from friends, only discussing the positive and having mostly superficial friendships, for fear of you being cut out of their lives. Not saying you need to keep people in your life who are treating you badly, but we all go through times when we are up and times when we are down, friends give you their time through both."
#59
"Nobody even cares what you look like." "Actually, people do. They may not all stop to stare, but enough will that you'll start to notice all the stares and it will just make you embarrassed. It's better to just take a quick second to make sure you don't look stupid today than to go through that."
Kise Miarse 2 years ago
Agreed. The way people perceive you affects the way they treat/interact with you. Now, you shouldn't become preoccupied with that or make it your only consideration - but it's important to keep in mind and to put in some effort where appropriate.
Jeff Gabrisl 2 years ago
This mindset seems toxic to me as well. As opposed to "make sure you don't look stupid...", ask yourself if you really care what others think about you. When I go to work, I dress professional, but I don't wear fancy shoes, I wear nicely polished U.S. Navy boots. I spend enough time on my feet that I'm wearing what's comfortable and meets safety regulations. Also, it's dang near impossible to find some "nice" shoe that fits me as I wear a mens 14.5 wide. Furthermore, I'm not dressing up to go to the grocery store. I will wear my pj bottoms because it's my day off, and I want to be comfortable.
#60
"Just be yourself." "'Myself' is a guy who likes to work minimum wage, part-time jobs that require no mental input, and then spend the rest of his time playing video games and eating junk food. He's overweight, underpaid, and has no interaction with his friends or family. I don't want to be myself. I want to be a better version of myself."
#61
"Don't think about bad things." "My parents always told me to just focus on the positive things in life, without giving more than acknowledgment to anything sad/bad. I understand their intentions, but I feel like this made me more unprepared and overwhelmed when things really hit the fan. While I don't think anyone should be solely focus on what's wrong with things, we still need to take the time to think about them and learn from them."
#62
"Saying 'it is what it is' and accepting a situation. Yeah, that can definitely be helpful and very zen in situations you absolutely cannot control. But a lot of times, with consideration and hard work, you can get yourself out of a bad situation instead of just accepting it."
#63
"Cut off anyone that doesn’t bring you peace." "Obviously, this applies to people who are constantly, deliberately making you miserable. But a stressful situation or argument with a friend that you care about doesn’t count if you haven’t attempted to work it out with them."
#64
"No one is too busy to talk to someone they care about." "This is so toxic to expect people to talk to you every day. Yes, sometimes people have other stuff going on in their lives. It doesn't mean they don't care."
#65
"Always put yourself first." "Nah man, that’s not how relationships work."
Sonja 2 years ago
Always put yourself first but be aware that you need others too for the best outcome. Sometimes helping others is needed to put yourself first in the long run. So if you truly want to get forward, you have to invest yourself and maintain good relationships. As always, the problem isn't that the first statement is bad advice, but the execution is often stupid. That's why I prefer: don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. That's a much better analogy. If helping others will truly hurt you to the point of your failure, be aware that helping others doesn't entitle you to anything back. So help others as long as you can, it'll make your life better too, but if it's destroying your life and you're always only giving and never getting anything back, then it's not worth it.
What do you think ?
Hedonism Bot 2 years ago
"Be yourself" makes perfect sense in the context of "Don't try to change yourself in ways that feel unnatural just to get others to like you." The problem is when people interpret it to mean "Don't try to change anything about yourself for any reason, ever."
Marno C. 2 years ago
I and several friends are in a high-stress environment where we constantly have to put on a happy face and be very professional when everything around us is on metaphorical fire. We are frequently subject to advice and aphorisms like the above and sometimes my colleagues say they feel like they are going crazy. i like to tell them, "No, your feelings are normal. You are having a rational reaction to an irrational situation. Don't be fooled into believing that this is your fault."
kitten levels tokyo 2 years ago
“Weigh yourself in the morning. Your (heavier) weight taken at other parts of the day *doesn’t count*” What?! No! You weigh what you weigh. So toxic…
Hedonism Bot 2 years ago
"Be yourself" makes perfect sense in the context of "Don't try to change yourself in ways that feel unnatural just to get others to like you." The problem is when people interpret it to mean "Don't try to change anything about yourself for any reason, ever."
Marno C. 2 years ago
I and several friends are in a high-stress environment where we constantly have to put on a happy face and be very professional when everything around us is on metaphorical fire. We are frequently subject to advice and aphorisms like the above and sometimes my colleagues say they feel like they are going crazy. i like to tell them, "No, your feelings are normal. You are having a rational reaction to an irrational situation. Don't be fooled into believing that this is your fault."
kitten levels tokyo 2 years ago
“Weigh yourself in the morning. Your (heavier) weight taken at other parts of the day *doesn’t count*” What?! No! You weigh what you weigh. So toxic…
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