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Powerful Comic Reveals The Unspoken Struggles Men Face Almost Everyday And Are Too Afraid To Speak About
The buzz phrase ‘toxic masculinity’ has lost much of its original meaning over time. It has been misunderstood and overused to the point that any debate on the topic usually gets hijacked by angry incels and feminists, with any thoughtful, nuanced discussion buried amidst the fury.
Australian artist Luke Humphris, who describes himself as a “creator of autobiographical comics about my rubbish life,” has a deeply painful personal experience of the damage that toxic masculinity can cause, and has made a moving and eye-opening comic about it. Australia has, particularly in rural areas, a hyper-masculine culture that can discourage guys from opening up and speaking honestly with other about their issues and needs, although organizations like Men’s Shed are doing a great deal to change this. Luke now lives in Toronto, Canada, having chosen to do what many young Aussies do and go out to explore the world. “It’s not that I am escaping Australia, I just like the cold and big cities,” he explained to Bored Panda. “I am older and I do find that I am able to express myself without the same social restraints as when I was younger, but some stuff does linger and I try to be mindful of it. Most people probably find that as well as they get older. I still catch myself doing my part to put these negative expectations on friends and peers, so again, I try to be mindful about that as well.”
“It’s cool to see a lot of people sharing the comic, it makes me happy that people are referencing it as a learning tool, which was the point of it. There are people who disagree with it for a bunch of reasons, and that’s fine. Some say that it is sexist to call masculinity toxic. It’s like, come on dude, one of the points of the comic is that masculinity is not toxic, this comic is made for you!”
“The good feedback seriously outweighs the negative though.”
The comics are a cool hobby for this talented artist, who has a day job and uses them to express himself when he feels like it. But would he like to take it up as a profession? “It would be nice to get there one day, but I don’t want to put too much pressure on it,” he told us. “I can make whatever I want if I am not dependant on the money, and I like what I am making at the moment. It would be nice not to have to worry about rent though!”
Luke, through his comic, presents ‘toxic masculinity’ not as masculine traits being inherently harmful, nor as women trying to ‘feminize’ men out of existence, as the extremes in the debate often portray it. He sees it as the backward attitudes that limit the ways that so-called ‘real men’ can express themselves, stifling frank discussion about important issues while promoting an outwards show of silent ‘strength.’
Scroll down below to be reminded of the true, insidious nature of toxic masculinity, and let us know what you think in the comments.
People had a lot to say about the moving and eye-opening comic
What do you think ?
Kaisu Rei 5 years ago
Also women can be physically abusive in a relationship too. Guys, if a girl ever hits you, dump her. You don't have to endure physical abuse just because some people think it's "humiliating" to be abused by a woman.
Littoface 5 years ago
A male friend stayed in a relationship like this because "She hits me when she gets mad but it doesn't hurt. She's not strong enough to hurt me..Is this still abuse?" Yeah boy. Luckily he got out of there.
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Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
This is absolutely true, patriarchal society and toxic masculinity are really harmful for men. Men should be allowed to cry and talk openly about their feelings and seek help for mental health issues instead of just being told to "man up". They should be allowed to have whatever hobbies and profession they choose without being ridiculed for it. The same way women are bombarded with toxic ideals, men are as well and it's important to acknowledge and normalise their struggles so it won't become as big of a taboo for them to seek help when necessary.
Pseudo Puppy 5 years ago
Michal Jastrzebski, I believe you have totally misunderstood both the post, and Kaisu's comment. The first thing this post said, was that "toxic masculinity" was NOT NOT NOT saying that "masculinity" was toxic. It was discussing the toxic expectations that *can* come with a limited notion of what "masculine" means. No-one is saying that "all men" do anything in this post, let alone referencing rape. And to that matter, just as not "all" men rape, not "all" negativity towards men is from "feminists" as a whole. If you read Kaisu's comment, they were saying that men SHOULD be allowed to ask for help... there was NO mention of "how" that help should be given, or that the help should follow any societal pre-requisites. And to say that woman have "zero right of say", is intentionally *excluding* a whole range of support and help that can and is offered, by those who love the men in their lives - which, ironically, is exactly what the "toxic" side of masculinity does :(
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ViolinLover 5 years ago
I wish people understood there’s a difference in beeing though and hiding your emotions
Isabella 5 years ago
This is terrible. Toxic Masculinity needs to stop now. Don't claim to be a feminist if you don't care about what these men need to go through. I will do my very best to try to stop this.
Full Name 5 years ago (edited)
Ignore Michal. He is the poster child for 'toxic masculinity' (okay, just using that SJW term made me throw up in my mouth a little but in this case it's appropriate). He's so caught up in his own fear/anger/resentment that he won't confront his issues honestly. You know...like a real man would.
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PyroarRanger 5 years ago
I proudly wear nail polish and get weird looks because apparently a $3.99 bottle is threatening to my masculinity
Pseudo Puppy 5 years ago
PyroarRanger, there was a wonderful clip on youtube, interviewing to Firemen who rescued a woman from drowning in near-frozen water. Once they got out, the paramedics made the firemen get out of their wet clothes, for their own safety. While being interviewed by the media, one journalist noted the fireman's nailpolish on his toes. He proudly said "yeah, I've got a 3 year old daughter, and we were playing 'beauty parlour'. It's what any good dad does: play with his kids. Besides, my partner's nails are red - he's got a 3 year old too"... and NO-ONE made him a joke - because no-one could question the (cliched) "masculinity" of a fireman who just rescued a drowning woman, AND takes care of his kid. <3
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Arietis 5 years ago
It's also about what 'being tough' means. I think being tough means being able to overcome things. Crying, asking for help, admitting you have a problem you can't deal with alone – all that is part of overcoming it. And that means being tough.
Reilly Beryll 5 years ago
Sadly, many people believe that being tough or strong is hiding your hurt and bottling it up. That’s what we’re taught to do. My mother has told me to toughen up, as in take the impact and hold it in. We need to change the association between strength and hiding.
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John Louis 5 years ago
It seems that so many little boys are taught to suppress every emotion except anger.
Gian Santillan 5 years ago
My friend's first baby died. Him and his wife tried again after 2 years. She gave birth to 2 lovely twins. She died several months later. His boss told him during the wake "Be strong. Everything happens for a reason." What a huge load of bull s**t. I wanted to knee his throat.
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
WTF, that is horrible. I might tell the next idiot who can't muster a "I'm sorry" or keep platitudes to themselves: "It's good to know that your spouse'/family won't be too upset by your death" or "I understand you'd be fine if your spouse or child died before you, but that's not the norm."
Load More Replies... Full Name 5 years ago
I've always felt like "stereotype" masculinity was ridiculous. That's why I loved Deadpool so much. He will wear a sparkly shower cap and jerk off a unicorn, yet is ripped and doesn't put up with any s**t. I find so many stereotype masculine traits to be a sign of weakness. Take pink for example, what kind of a f*****g pussy is afraid of a colour? I eat tofu and that freaks out tough guys. WTF?! It's soybean. You are afraid of a bean? Yeah, I'M the unmasculine one because I'd rather protect an animal than have kill it by squeezing my index finger *rolls eyes*. Being afraid of your own feelings is the saddest one of all though.
La Petite Morte 5 years ago (edited)
All of the comments embedded with the comics are beautiful examples of Being Part of the Problem! Tw@twaffles such as those seem to both not understand the real meaning of toxic masculinity while at the same time bleating the very same reasons to excuse, deny, and condone it. How exactly is a 4yr old supposed to 'be their own person' and not listen to how their parents are telling them to act? A 4yr old doesn't know it's harmful to 'suck it up' and 'be tough' and not cry if they're hurt. It's something you figure out (hopefully) is harmful when you get older. Yes, kids should be taught to not fall to pieces at every minor pain or obstacle, but they should be taught this through kind words, attention paid to their hurts, and positive reinforcement for recognizing appropriate responses. No, you don't want a 7yo having a full blown 2 hour crying jag over a bumped knee, but you also need to, as a parent, figure out *why* that upset them so much, address it, and let them know that
La Petite Morte 5 years ago
... their fears and pains are valid and important to you. Teach a kid that you'll blow off and dismiss the little pains and they won't come to you with the major ones.
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Carly 5 years ago (edited)
I understand this author because my husband kinda went through something like that with his parents. When we started dating he told me told me he thought he had a heart condition, he felt chest pain and couldn't breath. Turns out they were panic attacks that were caused by stress, he is the eldest so his parents pressured him a lot, he worked two jobs and was the breadwinner of his family, he also had to help pay his younger brothers education and car. He used to call me in the middle of the night when he got those panic attacks because I was the only one that supported him, his dad wouldn't let him say a word of it because he considered it a weakness. Thank God we got married and he left their house and all those responsibilities. Since the first day of our marriage he has been free of panic attacks.
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Fantastic! I'm so glad he met you. I'm sure you're equally glad to have someone who can be open with you.
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Chris Lehr 5 years ago
Simple awesome and very accurately explained. I've cried in front of my son when my beautiful dog passed away. We cried together and it was comforting and he thinks I am still the best toughest dad in the world.
Ozacoter 5 years ago (edited)
I just dont get why all the bashing about feminism in the text (and in some comments). Toxic masculinity started being known because of the feminist movement. We want everybody to be free of the troubles that sexism creates, both women and men. While women get a lot of s**t from it, men (and specially boys) get also a lot of problems, like this comic shows. But this problems are fought by femininists, not laught upon.
Aria Whitaker 5 years ago
The amount of heads this went over with those responses is mind- boggling to me. It was very cut and dry....yet they still have to do the "its BOTH SIDES!!1!!!" c**p. Not being able to even acknowledge the term exists and is very prevalent in our society is just another manifestation of said "toxic masculinity". SMH.
Jasmine Sunflower Laake 5 years ago
So true. Pretty much everyone puts expectations on each gender, yet they themselves are being hurt from it.
Gav Hepws 5 years ago
There is also certain attitudes that do make things worse. The term "man flu" really winds me up. I very rarely get ill (that's not me being all macho I just am really lucky) At work I see women all suffering with some heavy cold who have days and weeks off work. Then on a rare occasion that I get it & I'm trying to work through it I often get derogatory comments (Always from the same women) telling me to "Man up" and to "Stop being so soft". Its almost like some women think they are he only gender to experience pain or suffering. This causes a certain distance between the genders and as a male I'm often baffled by this kind of attitude. Why is it ok for for women to make you feel less of a man because you have a simple common cold ? women can talk openly when they are weak but men have to just "Deal with it" Men do often suffer in silence because of attitudes like this. It may seem like a small thing but everything counts in large amounts and that is just part of the problem.
Ozacoter 5 years ago
The point with 'men flu' is not at work, is at home. While being really sick, a woman is expected to continue with her daily life at home (cooking, cleaning, taking care of everybody). Some men tend to overreact when they are sick, acting like they are completly unable to do anything at home. Thats what women complain about.
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A Dyke From The Dreamworld 5 years ago
True tough men cry and don't give a f**k about what people say about it. In these times, that takes guts.
Bobo McFuzzybottom 5 years ago
I am a 41 year old male with two kids. I have spent the majority of my time at home with them. I do the laundry, I cook, I get house work done, and make sure my kids are ready every morning for school. I still get sh!t from my family about "working", that I need to find a job. I have a job. It's a 24/7 job. I rarely get days off and the pay ain't that good. I have to work when I'm sick, and days I'm utterly exhausted. Throw in an anxiety and depression disorder that make some days that much harder.
ivan bolitekurac 5 years ago
Yes,men are raised to be tough,but you will also get more judged by men for being a "pussy"
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Context: a discussion with a young man who had set ideas about masculinity. For example, he made fun of a friend who collects "Action figures -- they're dolls, okay?!" I mentioned that my husband likes long hot baths. To my surprise, he said "Oh, I wouldn't go around saying that." I told him "We don't think along those lines." He looked quite surprised. I added, "What you think, is not universal." I hope that cracked open his narrow mind enough to let in some light.
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Lena 5 years ago
it's terrible when men or boys are being told not to cry or to show feelings. my boyfriend is a as tough as they come. big, muscles, a belly, long hair and a majestic beard. many people are intimidated by him the moment the see him walking down the street. i vividly remember how i told him i don't care if he is headbanging at a metal festival or ugly sobbing in my shoulder. i just take him how he is and i love him. he seemed to think a lot after that and one evening later he told me from a girl. the girl that was his girlfriend before we met. he lived in her country by that time, they had a baby daugther otgether and one day he had to travel back home to his parents because of some paperwork. so he took a plane and traveled 2000 miles to his country with the intention of coming back as soon as possible. but how things sometimes go it took him longer than expected and she (his girlfriend) got more and more upset. after a long phonecall she hang up.
Lena 5 years ago
she told him that if he does not want ot come back soon maybe he should just stay away. (you know how things sometimes go if you are angry).. so long story short... 2 days later he tried to call her, talk things out... but she wouldn't answer her phone. the same day late in the evening he got a call from the police. his girlfriend and their baby daughter had died in a car accident. he bought a plane ticket, arrived, and went straight to the place they kept their bodies to identify them. it was them and to the day he told me this story he never cried openly. but that evening when we where laying in bed i saw him crying for the first time. and i think this was the final step to allow him to heal. we now talk openly about them, and one day when we have enough money for the trip we will visit their grave.
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Giovanni 5 years ago (edited)
Seeing things like this and being from Italy I always wonder if Toxic Masculinity is a lot more prominent in the english speaking wolrd than in the mediterranean area, you see, I'm form the deep south were gender roles are still a thing and I've never suffered any of this, I mean sometimes someone doubts that I can indeed cook (better than my mom IMO) and clean but i've recived mostly prise for it, one guy i know loves to dance and at worst has ben accused of doing it for the ladies and, in regard to the emotional stuff i think we are some of the most melodramatic peoples, hiding emotions is just not our thing.
Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
It depends on the culture, yes. I'm curious, is mental health in men a taboo in Italy or can they openly talk about mental illness and search for help? How about certain hobbies such as ballet, knitting, makeup, are these seen as completely acceptable for men or would a guy be called "gay" for doing them? I'm curious how this works in other countries!
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Lara Verne 5 years ago
My friend liked to embroider, but he kept it secret because it was such a "female hobby". He never told anyone, everyone assumed it's his mother's work. I learned about it years later. Now it's ridiculous. He had to hide his hobby, because he was afraid that someone will ridicule him for it.
Han 5 years ago
Anyone in Australia who is Male and needs support, or if you are worried about a Male please call Mensline on 1300 789 978. I used to work as a phone counsellor there and it is a really good service line. The motto is 'Top Guys Talk'. Even if talking is hard, reach out please. They also have a suicide line. Thanks Luke for spending so much time on this very personal but wide reaching piece of work. I lost a brother to suicide too mate. I'm so sorry you lost him. It's the biggest killer of young men in our country. We can change this by changing our culture. Call a mate today and check in ... I'm gonna call my Dad and tell him I love him right now.
Bluebell Rizzi 5 years ago
My brother was encouraged to cry and I (a girl) was told to bottle it up. I definitely believe in this comic. Repression is a horrific thing. Please don't raise your children with it <3
Just another bot 5 years ago
It's sad how emotional intelligence lacks in the home life of so many families. Love your children, teach them self awareness, acceptance and self acceptance, respect and how to communicate and they will grow stronger and smarter, with better interpersonal skills. I can't imagine what would drive a parent to forbid things like singing and creativity....
Sue Prewitt 5 years ago
Sometimes wallowing in your feelings for a while is exactly what you need.
Heidi Matsumoto 5 years ago
I remember my female cousin hitting her boyfriend. That poor thing was thrown to the wall and he was nursing his left arm while I was entering the living room. I worriedly asked what happened and he vigorously shook his head while saying "nothing..It's OK" and my cousin was fuming with anger. Knowing my cousin, she's kind of difficult to deal with and her boyfriend was nothing but a gentle and kind guy. My uncle saw what happened and he was laughing while narrating it. Emphasizing how my cousin's boyfriend looked like a lost puppy while my cousin looked like an angry lion. I got irritated and told him that guys who are beaten by their girlfriends shouldn't be laughed at. If people get enraged by women who are beaten by their male partners, why can't men who are beaten receive the same reaction? The world is too cruel.. not just for women but also for men.
Simon Robins 5 years ago
Thank you for this. Sometimes life feels like one big charade based on the premise of being strong, silent and emotionally void. To be fair it has helped and made me more assured and confident than I may have been. Some say too much, they may be right. It still feels like a charade though and it's a comfort to know it's not just me. Thanks bud.
Beatrice Multhaupt 5 years ago
It's not likely that the pyramids were built by workers competing with each other: they probably co-operated.The grim isolation forced upon competent workers by performance reviews and micro-management has created a culture where confiding in those close to us, even family members,seems naive, even childish. Competitive thinking is poisoning family life with working women being told that they' ''taking away men's jobs'' (I heard that one in the 21st century) while those who stay at home are labeled social parasites. I so-called primitive societies, each community member is precious for its survival: hunters feed the group and women maintain it. Suicide rate? Next to zero. I can only relate my experiences of ''getting in touch with my feelings'' from a female perspective, but personally, I think it did more harm than good. What finally did help me was a deep contact with nature, where everything is connected rather than locked in a struggle to destroy.
Gracie Mae 5 years ago
while i appreciate a "strong" man, i appreciate one more who is comfortable in sharing (feelings, thoughts, etc). there is something to be said for the men of the past, but not all of it is good. they were the bread-winners, we were the homemakers. the world has evolved. my mom has commented on how nice it is to see her grandsons be so 'hands-on' with their kids (changing diapers, baths, etc), but she was a single mom most of my life. she raised me to be independent, i raised my boys the same way, but also was big on communication & teaching them to be compassionate & do for themselves. i can only hope that they are comfortable enough with their wives/kids to share themselves in whole. i'm still working out issues from being told to 'be strong' or not to show my emotions, but as a female, that's a whole different story...
Ella Greenman 3 years ago
If there are male feminists, I am a female... Manist? Whatever. I stand with you and will fight for your right to choose, no matter your gender or lack therof.
Sophie Warner 5 years ago
A friend of mine committed suicide "suddenly". Everybody was shocked because he was always the one listening to other people's problems, never complained, was "so happy". Beneath that he was struggling with so much, he just never confided in most people as it "wasn't what you do". You be strong, keep calm & carry on & don't burden others with your problems. He was always there for everyone else & yet still couldn't allow others to be there for him. I was shocked by the lack of support for young men (18-35) with suicidal thoughts in the UK at the time, especially given the prevalence of suicide within this sector of the population & hope that this will bring about more awareness about the messages we are giving our young people, regardless of gender. Nobody should feel like suicide is their only option.
Marcelo Berner 5 years ago
We need more of these messages. People need to realize that women are not the only ones affected by toxic masculinity.
Walkus-Andrew Andrea 5 years ago
It is nice to hear from a male point of view. It is so heartbreaking that the men in that family weren't allowed to grieve openly.
Tony Francis 5 years ago
Yes but when you are soft and even ask for help, then what? I'll tell you what. Nothing.. Nothing happens. And if you start crying people (especially women) will avoid you. It's "creepy" see? And if they help they will do so with the feeling to get away from you in future. Don't make it sound like you can do it again and again. "Oh no don't do that, that would be overdoing it" I can hear you say. So it's back to square one. And you just have no choice but to summon up with toughness and deal with it with internal resources.
Person2638 5 years ago
Uh, no. I, as a woman, will not see a man who cries as weak. I do not see anyone who must be having a really tough time to be crying in public as weak, I see them as strong. Strong enough to deal with whatever problem they may face, even though they may shed a few tears. If a man needs help, there are so many hotlines he can call to get help, be it mental, financial, emotional, whatever. Women, contrary to the popular belief pushed by MEN that women love a strong, stoic man, would prefer a partner with feelings. So no, it's only back to sqaure one for the closeminded people like you that don't want to get help.
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Si 5 years ago
I don’t doubt this is true, but I would like to point out that I see men being emotional far more often than I see women. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my elder female relatives cry, my male relatives have done however, my female friends talk about their concerns for other people in their circles, not themselves. I don’t see women cry or shout at work, but have seen a man well up and plenty of heated rows between male colleagues, of official complaints made about upsetting behaviour, three times I’ve heard of that ending in physical scuffles in the office or outside work. When ever I see a major sporting event or press conference, it’s not at all unusual to see the male winners and losers shedding a tear, I can’t remember the last time I saw a sportswoman do that. And females attempt suicide at four times the rate of males, but due to lower testosterone their self destruction can last years rather than moments.
Oscar Goytia 5 years ago
I love this comic and yes...the problem is... a lot of people DO think masculinity equals toxic...even traits that are not inherently negative or just if you disagree with something. There's a huge difference between talking openly about feelings and reaching out for help... and trying to impose new masculinities (which honestly have always existed) that sometimes go all the way around and also become gender expectations. So...as the comic says...only you get to decide the type of person you want to be. I'm going to get so many downvotes for this...
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Part of the issue is when traits are taken to extremes. For example, if a man is assertive, he can defend others. Taken to extremes, he can end up in a bar fight just because some macho idiot challenged him (sometimes, it's better to back out of a situation) If a woman likes to please others, she may be kind and considerate. Taken to extremes, she could end up in an abusive situation (sometimes it's better to leave before it get to dangerous to do so).
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Maggie Collins 5 years ago
Those comments are brilliant! It all comes down to "be yourself, take care of yourself, and stop worrying about what other people are thinking about you", eh? It is difficult but very important to self esteem.
Valerie Lessard 5 years ago
Which society is this talking about? Western, American? In many cultures, men crying is totally acceptable, especially to mourn a loved one. In some cultures ,like some eastern european/balkan cultures, it's the women who are told to toughen up and be strong and not show weakness while the men are mollycoddled by their mothers and wives. In my culture (french/belgian), it's perfectly acceptable for a man to cook elaborate meals, especially sweets. We need to normalise these aspects other people's values and cultures about men to our society. And as far as I can tell, it's perfectly okay for men to bare their feelings, isn't that like a major complaint women have about their partners, that theuyre not open about their feelings??
Ozacoter 5 years ago
I live in Belgium and my partner has been his whole life called 'a woman' (impliying that he is weak and less worthy that other men) for being open about his feelings.
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David Madden 5 years ago
We suffer daily and of all things women are now attacking all aspects of manhood...just watch any TV show, movie or news. Even this post will be attacked.
Darryl Kerrigan 5 years ago
A lot of these points seem to come from very lucky people; like the one where he says 'I was told not to cry' he was lucky he didn't get hit for crying...
Vilkas 5 years ago (edited)
Yeah, sounds like you just had a f****d up family. "Toxic masculinity" is caused by boys not having positive male role models, not a "patriarchal society".
Ozacoter 5 years ago (edited)
Patriarchy is what creates the damaging idea that men need to be 'alphas', to be the strong one and the provider. Bad father figures dont apear out of nowhere, they are men damaged by patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
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RespectThePaiva 5 years ago
Actually, feminism is a solution to the problem. Since feminism about equality and women are generally encouraged do express themselves emotionally (or do it in a more natural way), forcing men do the same (again, equality) would lead to addressing some underlying powerful emotions that go unchecked and potentially could end in suicide. The point of the artist is exactly that "being tough" does more harm than good, since voicing those emotions and combat them openly, instead of - again - "being tough", is ultimately good for the well-being of men, destabilizing the status-quo of a patriarchal society.
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Ozacoter 5 years ago
Feminism is about people being equal and free to be them shelves. No feminist ever would bash a man for sharing his feelings or being open. You need to read more about it, dont listen to the hysterical right wing trying to blame everything on women
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Viviane Katz 5 years ago
I'm happy for you that you were able to detach from your dysfunctional family when you were 14. It can be far more complicated for a lot of people. For examples, most 14-year-olds are dealing with hormonal changes, mood swings, etc. Plus most are still dependent on their parents for food and shelter. I'll stop here. You may have been a highly intelligent and autonomous 14-year-old, but you don't sound like a very empathetic adult.
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Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
I think you misunderstood. This clearly states that anger and aggression aren't masculine traits but they're a result of toxic masculinity. Please go back and read through the entire thing and see if you understand it better the second time
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Kaisu Rei 5 years ago
Yes they can and they can also enjoy doing that! What's other people's sex lives got to do with this?
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Kaisu Rei 5 years ago
Also women can be physically abusive in a relationship too. Guys, if a girl ever hits you, dump her. You don't have to endure physical abuse just because some people think it's "humiliating" to be abused by a woman.
Littoface 5 years ago
A male friend stayed in a relationship like this because "She hits me when she gets mad but it doesn't hurt. She's not strong enough to hurt me..Is this still abuse?" Yeah boy. Luckily he got out of there.
Load More Replies... Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
This is absolutely true, patriarchal society and toxic masculinity are really harmful for men. Men should be allowed to cry and talk openly about their feelings and seek help for mental health issues instead of just being told to "man up". They should be allowed to have whatever hobbies and profession they choose without being ridiculed for it. The same way women are bombarded with toxic ideals, men are as well and it's important to acknowledge and normalise their struggles so it won't become as big of a taboo for them to seek help when necessary.
Pseudo Puppy 5 years ago
Michal Jastrzebski, I believe you have totally misunderstood both the post, and Kaisu's comment. The first thing this post said, was that "toxic masculinity" was NOT NOT NOT saying that "masculinity" was toxic. It was discussing the toxic expectations that *can* come with a limited notion of what "masculine" means. No-one is saying that "all men" do anything in this post, let alone referencing rape. And to that matter, just as not "all" men rape, not "all" negativity towards men is from "feminists" as a whole. If you read Kaisu's comment, they were saying that men SHOULD be allowed to ask for help... there was NO mention of "how" that help should be given, or that the help should follow any societal pre-requisites. And to say that woman have "zero right of say", is intentionally *excluding* a whole range of support and help that can and is offered, by those who love the men in their lives - which, ironically, is exactly what the "toxic" side of masculinity does :(
Load More Replies... ViolinLover 5 years ago
I wish people understood there’s a difference in beeing though and hiding your emotions
Isabella 5 years ago
This is terrible. Toxic Masculinity needs to stop now. Don't claim to be a feminist if you don't care about what these men need to go through. I will do my very best to try to stop this.
Full Name 5 years ago (edited)
Ignore Michal. He is the poster child for 'toxic masculinity' (okay, just using that SJW term made me throw up in my mouth a little but in this case it's appropriate). He's so caught up in his own fear/anger/resentment that he won't confront his issues honestly. You know...like a real man would.
Load More Replies... PyroarRanger 5 years ago
I proudly wear nail polish and get weird looks because apparently a $3.99 bottle is threatening to my masculinity
Pseudo Puppy 5 years ago
PyroarRanger, there was a wonderful clip on youtube, interviewing to Firemen who rescued a woman from drowning in near-frozen water. Once they got out, the paramedics made the firemen get out of their wet clothes, for their own safety. While being interviewed by the media, one journalist noted the fireman's nailpolish on his toes. He proudly said "yeah, I've got a 3 year old daughter, and we were playing 'beauty parlour'. It's what any good dad does: play with his kids. Besides, my partner's nails are red - he's got a 3 year old too"... and NO-ONE made him a joke - because no-one could question the (cliched) "masculinity" of a fireman who just rescued a drowning woman, AND takes care of his kid. <3
Load More Replies... Arietis 5 years ago
It's also about what 'being tough' means. I think being tough means being able to overcome things. Crying, asking for help, admitting you have a problem you can't deal with alone – all that is part of overcoming it. And that means being tough.
Reilly Beryll 5 years ago
Sadly, many people believe that being tough or strong is hiding your hurt and bottling it up. That’s what we’re taught to do. My mother has told me to toughen up, as in take the impact and hold it in. We need to change the association between strength and hiding.
Load More Replies... John Louis 5 years ago
It seems that so many little boys are taught to suppress every emotion except anger.
Gian Santillan 5 years ago
My friend's first baby died. Him and his wife tried again after 2 years. She gave birth to 2 lovely twins. She died several months later. His boss told him during the wake "Be strong. Everything happens for a reason." What a huge load of bull s**t. I wanted to knee his throat.
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
WTF, that is horrible. I might tell the next idiot who can't muster a "I'm sorry" or keep platitudes to themselves: "It's good to know that your spouse'/family won't be too upset by your death" or "I understand you'd be fine if your spouse or child died before you, but that's not the norm."
Load More Replies... Full Name 5 years ago
I've always felt like "stereotype" masculinity was ridiculous. That's why I loved Deadpool so much. He will wear a sparkly shower cap and jerk off a unicorn, yet is ripped and doesn't put up with any s**t. I find so many stereotype masculine traits to be a sign of weakness. Take pink for example, what kind of a f*****g pussy is afraid of a colour? I eat tofu and that freaks out tough guys. WTF?! It's soybean. You are afraid of a bean? Yeah, I'M the unmasculine one because I'd rather protect an animal than have kill it by squeezing my index finger *rolls eyes*. Being afraid of your own feelings is the saddest one of all though.
La Petite Morte 5 years ago (edited)
All of the comments embedded with the comics are beautiful examples of Being Part of the Problem! Tw@twaffles such as those seem to both not understand the real meaning of toxic masculinity while at the same time bleating the very same reasons to excuse, deny, and condone it. How exactly is a 4yr old supposed to 'be their own person' and not listen to how their parents are telling them to act? A 4yr old doesn't know it's harmful to 'suck it up' and 'be tough' and not cry if they're hurt. It's something you figure out (hopefully) is harmful when you get older. Yes, kids should be taught to not fall to pieces at every minor pain or obstacle, but they should be taught this through kind words, attention paid to their hurts, and positive reinforcement for recognizing appropriate responses. No, you don't want a 7yo having a full blown 2 hour crying jag over a bumped knee, but you also need to, as a parent, figure out *why* that upset them so much, address it, and let them know that
La Petite Morte 5 years ago
... their fears and pains are valid and important to you. Teach a kid that you'll blow off and dismiss the little pains and they won't come to you with the major ones.
Load More Replies... Carly 5 years ago (edited)
I understand this author because my husband kinda went through something like that with his parents. When we started dating he told me told me he thought he had a heart condition, he felt chest pain and couldn't breath. Turns out they were panic attacks that were caused by stress, he is the eldest so his parents pressured him a lot, he worked two jobs and was the breadwinner of his family, he also had to help pay his younger brothers education and car. He used to call me in the middle of the night when he got those panic attacks because I was the only one that supported him, his dad wouldn't let him say a word of it because he considered it a weakness. Thank God we got married and he left their house and all those responsibilities. Since the first day of our marriage he has been free of panic attacks.
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Fantastic! I'm so glad he met you. I'm sure you're equally glad to have someone who can be open with you.
Load More Replies... Chris Lehr 5 years ago
Simple awesome and very accurately explained. I've cried in front of my son when my beautiful dog passed away. We cried together and it was comforting and he thinks I am still the best toughest dad in the world.
Ozacoter 5 years ago (edited)
I just dont get why all the bashing about feminism in the text (and in some comments). Toxic masculinity started being known because of the feminist movement. We want everybody to be free of the troubles that sexism creates, both women and men. While women get a lot of s**t from it, men (and specially boys) get also a lot of problems, like this comic shows. But this problems are fought by femininists, not laught upon.
Aria Whitaker 5 years ago
The amount of heads this went over with those responses is mind- boggling to me. It was very cut and dry....yet they still have to do the "its BOTH SIDES!!1!!!" c**p. Not being able to even acknowledge the term exists and is very prevalent in our society is just another manifestation of said "toxic masculinity". SMH.
Jasmine Sunflower Laake 5 years ago
So true. Pretty much everyone puts expectations on each gender, yet they themselves are being hurt from it.
Gav Hepws 5 years ago
There is also certain attitudes that do make things worse. The term "man flu" really winds me up. I very rarely get ill (that's not me being all macho I just am really lucky) At work I see women all suffering with some heavy cold who have days and weeks off work. Then on a rare occasion that I get it & I'm trying to work through it I often get derogatory comments (Always from the same women) telling me to "Man up" and to "Stop being so soft". Its almost like some women think they are he only gender to experience pain or suffering. This causes a certain distance between the genders and as a male I'm often baffled by this kind of attitude. Why is it ok for for women to make you feel less of a man because you have a simple common cold ? women can talk openly when they are weak but men have to just "Deal with it" Men do often suffer in silence because of attitudes like this. It may seem like a small thing but everything counts in large amounts and that is just part of the problem.
Ozacoter 5 years ago
The point with 'men flu' is not at work, is at home. While being really sick, a woman is expected to continue with her daily life at home (cooking, cleaning, taking care of everybody). Some men tend to overreact when they are sick, acting like they are completly unable to do anything at home. Thats what women complain about.
Load More Replies... A Dyke From The Dreamworld 5 years ago
True tough men cry and don't give a f**k about what people say about it. In these times, that takes guts.
Bobo McFuzzybottom 5 years ago
I am a 41 year old male with two kids. I have spent the majority of my time at home with them. I do the laundry, I cook, I get house work done, and make sure my kids are ready every morning for school. I still get sh!t from my family about "working", that I need to find a job. I have a job. It's a 24/7 job. I rarely get days off and the pay ain't that good. I have to work when I'm sick, and days I'm utterly exhausted. Throw in an anxiety and depression disorder that make some days that much harder.
ivan bolitekurac 5 years ago
Yes,men are raised to be tough,but you will also get more judged by men for being a "pussy"
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Context: a discussion with a young man who had set ideas about masculinity. For example, he made fun of a friend who collects "Action figures -- they're dolls, okay?!" I mentioned that my husband likes long hot baths. To my surprise, he said "Oh, I wouldn't go around saying that." I told him "We don't think along those lines." He looked quite surprised. I added, "What you think, is not universal." I hope that cracked open his narrow mind enough to let in some light.
Load More Replies... Lena 5 years ago
it's terrible when men or boys are being told not to cry or to show feelings. my boyfriend is a as tough as they come. big, muscles, a belly, long hair and a majestic beard. many people are intimidated by him the moment the see him walking down the street. i vividly remember how i told him i don't care if he is headbanging at a metal festival or ugly sobbing in my shoulder. i just take him how he is and i love him. he seemed to think a lot after that and one evening later he told me from a girl. the girl that was his girlfriend before we met. he lived in her country by that time, they had a baby daugther otgether and one day he had to travel back home to his parents because of some paperwork. so he took a plane and traveled 2000 miles to his country with the intention of coming back as soon as possible. but how things sometimes go it took him longer than expected and she (his girlfriend) got more and more upset. after a long phonecall she hang up.
Lena 5 years ago
she told him that if he does not want ot come back soon maybe he should just stay away. (you know how things sometimes go if you are angry).. so long story short... 2 days later he tried to call her, talk things out... but she wouldn't answer her phone. the same day late in the evening he got a call from the police. his girlfriend and their baby daughter had died in a car accident. he bought a plane ticket, arrived, and went straight to the place they kept their bodies to identify them. it was them and to the day he told me this story he never cried openly. but that evening when we where laying in bed i saw him crying for the first time. and i think this was the final step to allow him to heal. we now talk openly about them, and one day when we have enough money for the trip we will visit their grave.
Load More Replies... Giovanni 5 years ago (edited)
Seeing things like this and being from Italy I always wonder if Toxic Masculinity is a lot more prominent in the english speaking wolrd than in the mediterranean area, you see, I'm form the deep south were gender roles are still a thing and I've never suffered any of this, I mean sometimes someone doubts that I can indeed cook (better than my mom IMO) and clean but i've recived mostly prise for it, one guy i know loves to dance and at worst has ben accused of doing it for the ladies and, in regard to the emotional stuff i think we are some of the most melodramatic peoples, hiding emotions is just not our thing.
Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
It depends on the culture, yes. I'm curious, is mental health in men a taboo in Italy or can they openly talk about mental illness and search for help? How about certain hobbies such as ballet, knitting, makeup, are these seen as completely acceptable for men or would a guy be called "gay" for doing them? I'm curious how this works in other countries!
Load More Replies... Lara Verne 5 years ago
My friend liked to embroider, but he kept it secret because it was such a "female hobby". He never told anyone, everyone assumed it's his mother's work. I learned about it years later. Now it's ridiculous. He had to hide his hobby, because he was afraid that someone will ridicule him for it.
Han 5 years ago
Anyone in Australia who is Male and needs support, or if you are worried about a Male please call Mensline on 1300 789 978. I used to work as a phone counsellor there and it is a really good service line. The motto is 'Top Guys Talk'. Even if talking is hard, reach out please. They also have a suicide line. Thanks Luke for spending so much time on this very personal but wide reaching piece of work. I lost a brother to suicide too mate. I'm so sorry you lost him. It's the biggest killer of young men in our country. We can change this by changing our culture. Call a mate today and check in ... I'm gonna call my Dad and tell him I love him right now.
Bluebell Rizzi 5 years ago
My brother was encouraged to cry and I (a girl) was told to bottle it up. I definitely believe in this comic. Repression is a horrific thing. Please don't raise your children with it <3
Just another bot 5 years ago
It's sad how emotional intelligence lacks in the home life of so many families. Love your children, teach them self awareness, acceptance and self acceptance, respect and how to communicate and they will grow stronger and smarter, with better interpersonal skills. I can't imagine what would drive a parent to forbid things like singing and creativity....
Sue Prewitt 5 years ago
Sometimes wallowing in your feelings for a while is exactly what you need.
Heidi Matsumoto 5 years ago
I remember my female cousin hitting her boyfriend. That poor thing was thrown to the wall and he was nursing his left arm while I was entering the living room. I worriedly asked what happened and he vigorously shook his head while saying "nothing..It's OK" and my cousin was fuming with anger. Knowing my cousin, she's kind of difficult to deal with and her boyfriend was nothing but a gentle and kind guy. My uncle saw what happened and he was laughing while narrating it. Emphasizing how my cousin's boyfriend looked like a lost puppy while my cousin looked like an angry lion. I got irritated and told him that guys who are beaten by their girlfriends shouldn't be laughed at. If people get enraged by women who are beaten by their male partners, why can't men who are beaten receive the same reaction? The world is too cruel.. not just for women but also for men.
Simon Robins 5 years ago
Thank you for this. Sometimes life feels like one big charade based on the premise of being strong, silent and emotionally void. To be fair it has helped and made me more assured and confident than I may have been. Some say too much, they may be right. It still feels like a charade though and it's a comfort to know it's not just me. Thanks bud.
Beatrice Multhaupt 5 years ago
It's not likely that the pyramids were built by workers competing with each other: they probably co-operated.The grim isolation forced upon competent workers by performance reviews and micro-management has created a culture where confiding in those close to us, even family members,seems naive, even childish. Competitive thinking is poisoning family life with working women being told that they' ''taking away men's jobs'' (I heard that one in the 21st century) while those who stay at home are labeled social parasites. I so-called primitive societies, each community member is precious for its survival: hunters feed the group and women maintain it. Suicide rate? Next to zero. I can only relate my experiences of ''getting in touch with my feelings'' from a female perspective, but personally, I think it did more harm than good. What finally did help me was a deep contact with nature, where everything is connected rather than locked in a struggle to destroy.
Gracie Mae 5 years ago
while i appreciate a "strong" man, i appreciate one more who is comfortable in sharing (feelings, thoughts, etc). there is something to be said for the men of the past, but not all of it is good. they were the bread-winners, we were the homemakers. the world has evolved. my mom has commented on how nice it is to see her grandsons be so 'hands-on' with their kids (changing diapers, baths, etc), but she was a single mom most of my life. she raised me to be independent, i raised my boys the same way, but also was big on communication & teaching them to be compassionate & do for themselves. i can only hope that they are comfortable enough with their wives/kids to share themselves in whole. i'm still working out issues from being told to 'be strong' or not to show my emotions, but as a female, that's a whole different story...
Ella Greenman 3 years ago
If there are male feminists, I am a female... Manist? Whatever. I stand with you and will fight for your right to choose, no matter your gender or lack therof.
Sophie Warner 5 years ago
A friend of mine committed suicide "suddenly". Everybody was shocked because he was always the one listening to other people's problems, never complained, was "so happy". Beneath that he was struggling with so much, he just never confided in most people as it "wasn't what you do". You be strong, keep calm & carry on & don't burden others with your problems. He was always there for everyone else & yet still couldn't allow others to be there for him. I was shocked by the lack of support for young men (18-35) with suicidal thoughts in the UK at the time, especially given the prevalence of suicide within this sector of the population & hope that this will bring about more awareness about the messages we are giving our young people, regardless of gender. Nobody should feel like suicide is their only option.
Marcelo Berner 5 years ago
We need more of these messages. People need to realize that women are not the only ones affected by toxic masculinity.
Walkus-Andrew Andrea 5 years ago
It is nice to hear from a male point of view. It is so heartbreaking that the men in that family weren't allowed to grieve openly.
Tony Francis 5 years ago
Yes but when you are soft and even ask for help, then what? I'll tell you what. Nothing.. Nothing happens. And if you start crying people (especially women) will avoid you. It's "creepy" see? And if they help they will do so with the feeling to get away from you in future. Don't make it sound like you can do it again and again. "Oh no don't do that, that would be overdoing it" I can hear you say. So it's back to square one. And you just have no choice but to summon up with toughness and deal with it with internal resources.
Person2638 5 years ago
Uh, no. I, as a woman, will not see a man who cries as weak. I do not see anyone who must be having a really tough time to be crying in public as weak, I see them as strong. Strong enough to deal with whatever problem they may face, even though they may shed a few tears. If a man needs help, there are so many hotlines he can call to get help, be it mental, financial, emotional, whatever. Women, contrary to the popular belief pushed by MEN that women love a strong, stoic man, would prefer a partner with feelings. So no, it's only back to sqaure one for the closeminded people like you that don't want to get help.
Load More Replies... Si 5 years ago
I don’t doubt this is true, but I would like to point out that I see men being emotional far more often than I see women. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my elder female relatives cry, my male relatives have done however, my female friends talk about their concerns for other people in their circles, not themselves. I don’t see women cry or shout at work, but have seen a man well up and plenty of heated rows between male colleagues, of official complaints made about upsetting behaviour, three times I’ve heard of that ending in physical scuffles in the office or outside work. When ever I see a major sporting event or press conference, it’s not at all unusual to see the male winners and losers shedding a tear, I can’t remember the last time I saw a sportswoman do that. And females attempt suicide at four times the rate of males, but due to lower testosterone their self destruction can last years rather than moments.
Oscar Goytia 5 years ago
I love this comic and yes...the problem is... a lot of people DO think masculinity equals toxic...even traits that are not inherently negative or just if you disagree with something. There's a huge difference between talking openly about feelings and reaching out for help... and trying to impose new masculinities (which honestly have always existed) that sometimes go all the way around and also become gender expectations. So...as the comic says...only you get to decide the type of person you want to be. I'm going to get so many downvotes for this...
Viviane Katz 5 years ago
Part of the issue is when traits are taken to extremes. For example, if a man is assertive, he can defend others. Taken to extremes, he can end up in a bar fight just because some macho idiot challenged him (sometimes, it's better to back out of a situation) If a woman likes to please others, she may be kind and considerate. Taken to extremes, she could end up in an abusive situation (sometimes it's better to leave before it get to dangerous to do so).
Load More Replies... Maggie Collins 5 years ago
Those comments are brilliant! It all comes down to "be yourself, take care of yourself, and stop worrying about what other people are thinking about you", eh? It is difficult but very important to self esteem.
Valerie Lessard 5 years ago
Which society is this talking about? Western, American? In many cultures, men crying is totally acceptable, especially to mourn a loved one. In some cultures ,like some eastern european/balkan cultures, it's the women who are told to toughen up and be strong and not show weakness while the men are mollycoddled by their mothers and wives. In my culture (french/belgian), it's perfectly acceptable for a man to cook elaborate meals, especially sweets. We need to normalise these aspects other people's values and cultures about men to our society. And as far as I can tell, it's perfectly okay for men to bare their feelings, isn't that like a major complaint women have about their partners, that theuyre not open about their feelings??
Ozacoter 5 years ago
I live in Belgium and my partner has been his whole life called 'a woman' (impliying that he is weak and less worthy that other men) for being open about his feelings.
Load More Replies... David Madden 5 years ago
We suffer daily and of all things women are now attacking all aspects of manhood...just watch any TV show, movie or news. Even this post will be attacked.
Darryl Kerrigan 5 years ago
A lot of these points seem to come from very lucky people; like the one where he says 'I was told not to cry' he was lucky he didn't get hit for crying...
Vilkas 5 years ago (edited)
Yeah, sounds like you just had a f****d up family. "Toxic masculinity" is caused by boys not having positive male role models, not a "patriarchal society".
Ozacoter 5 years ago (edited)
Patriarchy is what creates the damaging idea that men need to be 'alphas', to be the strong one and the provider. Bad father figures dont apear out of nowhere, they are men damaged by patriarchy and toxic masculinity.
Load More Replies... RespectThePaiva 5 years ago
Actually, feminism is a solution to the problem. Since feminism about equality and women are generally encouraged do express themselves emotionally (or do it in a more natural way), forcing men do the same (again, equality) would lead to addressing some underlying powerful emotions that go unchecked and potentially could end in suicide. The point of the artist is exactly that "being tough" does more harm than good, since voicing those emotions and combat them openly, instead of - again - "being tough", is ultimately good for the well-being of men, destabilizing the status-quo of a patriarchal society.
Load More Replies... Ozacoter 5 years ago
Feminism is about people being equal and free to be them shelves. No feminist ever would bash a man for sharing his feelings or being open. You need to read more about it, dont listen to the hysterical right wing trying to blame everything on women
Load More Replies... Viviane Katz 5 years ago
I'm happy for you that you were able to detach from your dysfunctional family when you were 14. It can be far more complicated for a lot of people. For examples, most 14-year-olds are dealing with hormonal changes, mood swings, etc. Plus most are still dependent on their parents for food and shelter. I'll stop here. You may have been a highly intelligent and autonomous 14-year-old, but you don't sound like a very empathetic adult.
Load More Replies... Kaisu Rei 5 years ago (edited)
I think you misunderstood. This clearly states that anger and aggression aren't masculine traits but they're a result of toxic masculinity. Please go back and read through the entire thing and see if you understand it better the second time
Load More Replies... Kaisu Rei 5 years ago
Yes they can and they can also enjoy doing that! What's other people's sex lives got to do with this?
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