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Bride Tells Her Dad To “Take The Child He Is Dating And Get Out” As He Felt Bad About Spending His Fiancée’s Birthday At Daughter’s Wedding
A wedding day is one of the most important moments of anyone’s life. It’s often regarded as one of the most significant stages of life, similar to the start of university or childbirth. There are so many things that have to be attended to and managed in a wedding that it sometimes sparks conflicts during it. One such thing that must be taken care of is the satisfaction of the guests. If they are unhappy, they are certain to show it, which, in turn, will affect other guests and perhaps even the bride and groom!
Nevertheless, these things can be out of your control sometimes, and guests will be grumpy no matter what. Such is the case for Reddit user u/Own-Credit7794, who asks whether she is a jerk for threatening to kick her dad out of her wedding.
Below, you will also find an interview with Elisabeth “Beth” Kramer (she/her), a wedding planner in Portland, Oregon, fighting the wedding industrial complex. She provided insight into how conflicts can occur during weddings and how to navigate them.
More info: Reddit
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It’s difficult enough to make sure everyone is happy during any event, especially a wedding attended by close friends and family
Image credits: Maria Lindsey Content Creator (not the actual photo)
A Reddit user wanted to know whether she was a jerk for telling her dad to leave her wedding if he was going to prioritize his fiancée over the ceremony
Image credits: Own-Credit7794
During the ceremony, which was planned on the same day as the fiancée’s birthday, the dad was acting like the wedding was an inconvenience
Image credits: Own-Credit7794
The behavior continued throughout, with the father and the poster’s grandma trying to appease dad’s fiancée
Image credits: Own-Credit7794
The fiancée started complaining about the cake during the reception when the bride couldn’t take it anymore and angrily suggested that the dad and his girlfriend leave
Image credits: Own-Credit7794
The father was upset and remained so for the rest of the night, but the poster is unsure whether she overreacted
Image credits: Own-Credit7794
The bride mentions in the comments that her father apologized, but didn’t understand why she was upset
The Original Poster (OP) starts the story by describing the situation. Her dad has been dating his girlfriend for about two years, and they have recently gotten engaged. OP further mentions that her relationship with the girlfriend, Marissa, is minimal, describing her as not a very pleasant person.
Because of this lack of contact, OP’s wedding had been planned on the same day as Marissa’s birthday. This caused her dad stress, with him mentioning that Marissa has lots of trauma and he felt guilty to be spending her birthday at OP’s wedding. Even so, the dad didn’t say much more after that, and OP assumed that they could figure it out.
It was time for the wedding, and although Marissa did not show much emotion, OP’s dad was apologizing to her constantly. As her father came to see his daughter in the bridal room, he was once again focusing on Marissa, who he took with him, asking if she was okay and apologizing more. Before the ceremony itself, Marissa was sitting on OP’s father’s lap while he was telling her that she could open her gifts today and get new ones for the day they celebrate, but she capriciously refused. Furthermore, OP’s grandmother also tried giving Marissa a gift, and the poster mentions that her father was “so annoying about it”.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was Marissa complaining about how she dislikes chocolate cake, and the father apologized to her again, suggesting they go out after the ceremony. OP snapped at that moment and yelled, cursing at him to take his girlfriend and leave, further calling her a child. The father was taken aback, but her grandmother started to berate her for being rude to her father, who paid for the wedding. OP gave him an ultimatum: either stop talking about Marissa’s birthday or leave the ceremony.
In the end, the father and his fiancée stayed, but he was upset for the rest of the evening. The poster also heard Marissa and her grandmother joking about how the father should rip up the check that he gave to her for the wedding. OP mentions feeling unsure whether she overreacted but mentioned that she was justifiably upset, in her opinion, as her father was acting as if her wedding day was an inconvenience.
Image credits: John Davey (not the actual photo)
Wedding planning can be an ordeal, taking care of the venue, the food, and importantly, the guests. Questions of who should be invited always come up. Who comes, who should get a plus one, perhaps someone has to be barred from the ceremony, such as a jilted lover or parent no longer in contact. A difficult question is whether to invite your parent’s new partner.
An article on BRIDES suggests that you should ask several questions about each guest to see if they should receive an invitation to your wedding. These questions are as follows:
- Have I met this person before?
- Did I attend their wedding?
- When was the last time I saw them?
- Do I spend holidays and birthdays with them?
- Are they a positive influence in my life?
If we were to take the questions of this list into consideration, Marissa in OP’s story would likely not have made the cut. Especially because of questions number four and five, as she calls her “not a very pleasant person” and says that she didn’t know it was her birthday as she was planning the wedding.
Image credits: kseast (not the actual photo)
Bored Panda got in touch with Portland-based wedding planner Elisabeth “Beth” Kramer, who has 7 years of experience, to ask for advice on the topic. “I’ve learned that weddings can sometimes bring out the worst in people. That makes sense since weddings are challenging in many ways: emotionally, financially, socially,” she says. Often it is the case that the stress of the ceremony manifests as a kind of hyper-focus on small details to regain a sense of control. “I recall one guest who must have asked me a dozen times when the lillies for the wedding would bloom,” mentions Beth.
Elisabeth calls this behavior “solar flaring” because it’s often an intense discharge of emotion that doesn’t have any specific direction or place to go. So it hits the nearest person, them being someone very dear to us.
The experienced wedding planner shares several suggestions about dealing with these situations. If you’re the person getting married, you should remember why you’re having the wedding. She mentions that the first exercise in her book and website is about figuring out the why or the wedding mission statement. This can be used to guide you through the drama that is bound to happen during any event, especially one as emotional and expensive as a wedding.
If you are a guest before you rush to help the bridal couple, ask yourself what serves the people getting married the most. If you aren’t sure, ask them. You may think you know what’s best for them, but you shouldn’t forget that these are grown adults who know themselves best. If you trust them enough to start a marriage, you should trust them enough to tell you what they need to weather the storm.
Elisabeth is the author of “Modern Etiquette Wedding Planner” and co-founder of Altared, a space for wedding vendors who want to change the wedding industry. Learn more about her work on her website.
The post received almost 10 thousand upvotes and 1.9 thousand comments, being posted three months ago. The community judged that the poster was not a jerk, with most commenters questioning the age and maturity of Marissa. Furthermore, commenters mentioned that dad’s fiancée may drive OP and her dad apart, either intentionally or not. Although judged not to be a jerk, the community said that causing a scene and cursing at the father was excessive.
Commenters seemed to agree that OP wasn’t a jerk, with OP giving more information about Marissa’s behavior
Image credits: ethan lindsey (not the actual photo)
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What do you think ?
Deborah Harris2 1 year ago
This just reads 'wrong' in every sense of the word.. creepy wrong, first off I thought it sounded like the Fathers GF was very young, I mean asking if she was ok, letting her sit on his lap to comfort her, etc, then I realised that this 'woman' has grown up children! There are no really special birthdays for adults once you're kids are all grown up unless it's a milestone birthday.. so seriously wtf was her father and his enabled gf upset over? Your wedding day is a special day and you would expect your Father to be there for you, it is 'your' day. Then there's the interfering Grandmother ... what an awful family .. I would have blown my top too ...
Daffydillz~ 1 year ago
I completely agree. When I read that she feels like she prostituted herself by giving too much in raising her own son and then was mad because her sister is living a good life after she paid for her to attend college and she has a lot of money that makes everyone happy except her. It seems like she begrudges anyone being happy or being successful except her, unless it's under her conditions maybe. The one commenter on reddit that mentioned the possibility of her dad being a victim of "covert" narcissism, due to all of his apologies to her constantly and his continuous attempts to appease her without success, on top of all the other issues that were mentioned in regards to everyone in her life and how if you don't like her the way she is you can leave, may be on to something there. It definitely sounds like there's a lot of manipulation from her to the dad and even though he may be a willing participant now in what most people can see. That may not be the case at home. Cont below
Load More Replies...
Tyke 1 year ago
Marissa sounds like a spoilt brat who actually relishes being the victim - nothing anyone could do would have got her out of that funk. I think OP needs to have a party on every single wedding anniversary and make the whole day about her and her husband. Shout about it on social media, post tons of photos and have a wonderful time
N Miller 1 year ago (edited)
We got married on husband's maternal aunt's birthday. We knew ahead of time and we made sure we shared it accordingly - she got a bouquet from the same place that did my wedding flowers so it was beautifully over the top (the kind of thing she adores, so it was entirely appropriate), and she got a special mention in the toast. It was her 62nd birthday, she got about half an hour of full attention on our day and it was perfect for all involved. Coincidentally, it was also husband's dad's birthday, but since husband had been NC with the sperm donor for over a decade we didn't feel the need to acknowledge it. (Didn't stop said sperm donor from managing to get in touch via Facebook, thanks to tagging in the photos to *berate* husband for not wishing him a happy birthday. Yeah, there's a reason for NC)
Daffydillz~ 1 year ago
That sounds like a very gracious, thoughtful, and beautiful, way to acknowledge his aunts birthday on your special day. I hope you and your husband had a spectacular day as well. The donor can take a long walk off a short pier and I hope that you all blocked him so that he's no longer a nuisance. Sending you both wishes of happiness and joy as you continue on your journey together.
Load More Replies... Deborah Harris2 1 year ago
This just reads 'wrong' in every sense of the word.. creepy wrong, first off I thought it sounded like the Fathers GF was very young, I mean asking if she was ok, letting her sit on his lap to comfort her, etc, then I realised that this 'woman' has grown up children! There are no really special birthdays for adults once you're kids are all grown up unless it's a milestone birthday.. so seriously wtf was her father and his enabled gf upset over? Your wedding day is a special day and you would expect your Father to be there for you, it is 'your' day. Then there's the interfering Grandmother ... what an awful family .. I would have blown my top too ...
Daffydillz~ 1 year ago
I completely agree. When I read that she feels like she prostituted herself by giving too much in raising her own son and then was mad because her sister is living a good life after she paid for her to attend college and she has a lot of money that makes everyone happy except her. It seems like she begrudges anyone being happy or being successful except her, unless it's under her conditions maybe. The one commenter on reddit that mentioned the possibility of her dad being a victim of "covert" narcissism, due to all of his apologies to her constantly and his continuous attempts to appease her without success, on top of all the other issues that were mentioned in regards to everyone in her life and how if you don't like her the way she is you can leave, may be on to something there. It definitely sounds like there's a lot of manipulation from her to the dad and even though he may be a willing participant now in what most people can see. That may not be the case at home. Cont below
Load More Replies... Tyke 1 year ago
Marissa sounds like a spoilt brat who actually relishes being the victim - nothing anyone could do would have got her out of that funk. I think OP needs to have a party on every single wedding anniversary and make the whole day about her and her husband. Shout about it on social media, post tons of photos and have a wonderful time
N Miller 1 year ago (edited)
We got married on husband's maternal aunt's birthday. We knew ahead of time and we made sure we shared it accordingly - she got a bouquet from the same place that did my wedding flowers so it was beautifully over the top (the kind of thing she adores, so it was entirely appropriate), and she got a special mention in the toast. It was her 62nd birthday, she got about half an hour of full attention on our day and it was perfect for all involved. Coincidentally, it was also husband's dad's birthday, but since husband had been NC with the sperm donor for over a decade we didn't feel the need to acknowledge it. (Didn't stop said sperm donor from managing to get in touch via Facebook, thanks to tagging in the photos to *berate* husband for not wishing him a happy birthday. Yeah, there's a reason for NC)
Daffydillz~ 1 year ago
That sounds like a very gracious, thoughtful, and beautiful, way to acknowledge his aunts birthday on your special day. I hope you and your husband had a spectacular day as well. The donor can take a long walk off a short pier and I hope that you all blocked him so that he's no longer a nuisance. Sending you both wishes of happiness and joy as you continue on your journey together.
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