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No matter where you fall on the spectrum of parenting styles or what your specific beliefs are regarding child-rearing, as a parent, there are some things you should say and do to your kids. Sharing words of appreciation and showering them with genuine love can do a lot to help your child grow up feeling loved, secure, and happy. 

Let’s flip the coin, and we have a wide range of things you should NEVER say to children. Well, unless your goal is to create the most toxic environment possible.

This is our piece of parenting advice for you today: a kid’s brain is like a sponge, ready to absorb everything you say, especially considering that as their parent, they look up to you. Certain words and the intentions behind them can be incredibly hurtful and damaging and leave a lasting invisible scar. Believe it or not, some everyday phrases may do more harm than good and only serve to drive a wedge between you and your child.

When it comes to parenting, nothing is ever a guarantee — and that includes you always getting it right — but there’s always a way to better parenting. Let’s start with the things parents should never say, and you’ll already be doing a lot to break the cycle of toxic parenting, allowing your house to be a safer place for your little ones. You’ll find that some of these submissions are blatantly destructive, while others are indeed said with good intentions but still carry a hint of venom in certain circumstances.

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#2

"Why can't you be more like your sister/brother?"

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Jen Hart
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was the "golden" child when a parent compared my brother to me. I didn't realize it at the time, but it put more of a wedge between us. He shouldn't have been expected to be able to behave in a manner four years older than his level, but if he didn't, it meant more beatings and screaming... leading to even greater efforts at perfection on my part (because sometimes the abuse towards him would come my way too)... leading to him never being able to "be more like your sister." 💔

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#3

"You did great on your test, but why can't you do that all the time?"

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#4

"Ugh, you are just like your mother/father."

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

whenever ive been told this its never with bad intent, just an observation. But it still destroyed me.

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#5

"I know what’s best for you."

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LilliVB
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

It's not ok decide every aspect of your child's life and future on the ground "I know what's best of you" of course, but it's ok to prevent your toddler to jump from the balcony trying to emulate superman on the ground "I know what it's best for you". The sentence alone doesn't mean anything without a specific context

girlsrock4ever
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Context IS important, but I think the post was about giving an explanation for any rules you put beyond that.

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Lane Bass
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

But in some instances I do. Case in point, it's good for you to wear a helmet when you ride your bike.

Rilmar
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I usually make mistakes for one of the 3 reasons 1. My neurodivergent a*s wasn't paying attention enough 2. I indeed did not know something and thus a mistake 3. I trusted my parents/their judgement 1 and 3 are very, very common

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#6

"Don't eat that or you will get fat."

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Monika
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I've been told this my entire life! "Don't eat that icecream, you will become a pig!" "Don't eat that [fried] chicken, you will get fat!" "Don't eat that burger, you want to be cow?" Well, I grew up fat anyways, even if I did stay away from those things. I was really sad when my cousins got to eat icecream at the beach and I couldn't....

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#7

"You live under my roof and you follow my rules."

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Dan Holden
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Without some sort of context, I fail to see how this is toxic. Parents get to make the house rules.

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#8

"That's the way I was raised and I turned out fine."

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#9

"Don’t you want mommy to be happy?"

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girlsrock4ever
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Emotional blackmail. I remember reading this post where a mom forced her 3 year old to breastfeed so her chest wouldn't hurt. Some people just should NOT be parents.

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#10

“'You always …'” or 'You never …'”

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Panda Incognito
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Oh! Look, im first here. “You guys NEVER respond first!” (Meant as joke plz no downvote)

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#11

"I couldn’t do that so you probably can’t either."

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#12

"Because I’m an adult and you’re a child."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
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1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And yet… Greta Thunberg. Emma Gonzalez. Malala Yousafzai. Jazz Jennings. (There are boys too but I don’t have any off the top of my head).

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#13

"What's wrong with you?"

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#14

"Stop crying right now!"

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I used to have regular evening panic attacks (0 stars. would not recommend) and my mom can’t deal with anything after 8:30- I don’t judge her, emotional disregulation is real, literally why I had said panic attacks- so it would usually end up with her yelling at me to shut up or go away, me being physically incapable of moving and just straight-up bawling, and dad being the pissed off mediator.

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#15

"Stop being so selfish and needy."

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Poppy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was told this by my bipolar mother when I was 16. I was having my own mental health breakdown, my parents had just divorced, I wanted my mum but she was off smoking weed, boinking any men she could find and riding around on motorbikes. I got told I was too clingy and that I was 16, I was old enough to look after myself. I moved out not long afterwards and I've lived on my own every since. Mum has since apologised to me for this because she's now being treated for her bipolar and has been stable for years. She says she feels shame for how she treated me.

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#16

"I’m ashamed of you."

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#17

"That’s only for boys/girls."

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girlsrock4ever
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When will our world have equal opportunities for both genders? Did you know that if women farmers were given the same resources as men, we would achieve the SDG goal of ZERO HUNGER. Gender Inequality is tied to a lot of the other goals, you know.

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#18

"Don’t argue with me."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Please argue with me, I'm good at it and I want my kid to be able to hold her own with anybody, not to mention lots of Kudos when her points are valid and much praise when she manages to bring me round to her take on things!!!

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#19

"I do everything for you!"

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for people who havnt been told this and nont see it as toxic, its usually said in responce to a child asking their parent to do something that the child cannot or to be a parent.

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#20

"You'll never amount to anything."

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girlsrock4ever
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Don't come crawling to me when I become a MILLIONAIRE!!!! (Confidence is key to success, IMO).

#22

"Your father/mother left because of you."

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Anna Gibson
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My ex husband gave me an ultimatum. The baby or me. I was 10 weeks pregnant. I had my baby as a single mam at 17. I would never,ever of blamed my son fir that situation. He did nit ask to be born. Some parents are so nasty

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#23

"Stop being such a baby."

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#24

"That's just not good enough."

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Dan Holden
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Once again context is everything. If a 12 year old did the dishes and left crusty chunks on everything, this sentence would be absolutely fair.

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#28

"You have awful taste in music/movies/art/sports."

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Fxnglhl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my mom made me listen to classical music a lot as a little kid (like very little, ages 3-5) cuz she says it'll make me smart when i'm older, now she disapproves of me listening to classical music while studying cuz apparently it makes me not concentrate. meanwhile she's blaring those old-school chinese songs on speaker. i guess anything that's not Mozart or Beethoven isn't classical music. smh

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#29

"Don't even bother talking to me."

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#30

"How could anyone like you?"

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#31

"I'm so fat. I need to go on a diet!"

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

children see their parents as rolemodels. this can cause them to develop an eating disorder as a result of their parents own poor self image.

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#32

"Wait until your father/mother gets home."

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#33

"That's not very ladylike of you."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*burp. fart. toe tapping. dress covered in stains because REBEL AGAINST THE FORMALWEAR. playing with food. scratching butt. picking nose* “Huh? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over me not caring!”

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#34

"I could do that when I was your age."

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#35

"I'll disown you."

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

threatening to disown yourchildren is highly likely to result in them developing abandonment issues later in life

#36

"Look at what you’re teaching your younger sibling."

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#38

"If you don’t want to follow the rules, get out of my house."

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#40

"I told you so."

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#41

"You're a boy. You're supposed to like sports."

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#42

"I wish I never had kids."

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#43

"Don’t ask me then, if you’re just going to do it your own way."

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Nevena
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

well, usually when someone asks for advice that means that they don't know/are unsure about how to do something. So if you ask someone who knows it is wise to at least consider their advice

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#46

"Don't make me turn the car around."

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Jen Hart
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Maybe "don't make me turn the car around" is poorly phrased, but I think if kids are being dangerous (unbuckling), hitting, or being bratty; it's reasonable for the driver to give a warning and follow through. "Buckle up, or we're going back home instead of the park."

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#47

"Why can't you do anything right?"

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#48

"That outfit doesn't look good on you."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I told my kid the truth when we would shop, I also helped her to learn what works best with her figure, and I also told her that if something in the store just makes no sense to u and u think it's awful, u need to grab it and try it on as it may end up being one of the best things u have ever put on urself, or not and then we had some laughs. Shopping and experimenting should be fun, and it's OK to go out in an epic fail of an outfit!!!

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#50

"Your sister/brother does it better than you."

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#51

"I wish you would be more like your cousin/classmate/friend."

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ObliviousInside
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My friend Kaden was the person I should have been. My mom always compared me to him.

#52

"If you eat all your dinner, you can have dessert."

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Adam Zad
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"

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#54

"You shouldn't be feeling this way."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Literally one of the most damaging possible things to say to a child who’s brain is STILL DEVELOPING.

#55

"You don't feel that way."

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ObliviousInside
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom said this when I said I wanted to live with my dad. She said that he was just manipulating me. I was sixteen and hadn't talked to him in a year.

#56

"You make me so angry."

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#57

"You’ll understand how I feel when you have a kid just like you one day."

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#58

"You should always listen to adults."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

“Hey kid, c’mere, I got some real good candy in this old white van of mine… yeah, sure, a puppy too… no, I’m not suspicious at a- ah SHITE, the cops are here!!”

#59

"That’s a stupid idea."

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#60

"Don’t come to me when you get into trouble."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

No, please come to me as soon as u smell trouble, I am here to help, always. Come to me so we can't limit said trouble and/or figure a way out of it. Remember u have a whole lot of years more experience than ur kids, what was the point of going through all that if u withhold ur knowledge from those u love the most????

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#61

"You don’t appreciate anything I do."

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#62

"Big boys/girls don't get scared."

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#63

"Are you sure you can do that?"

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#65

"You should be ashamed of yourself."

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#66

"Boys should fight back."

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#67

"Stop being such a girl."

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#68

"I don't believe you."

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Dan Holden
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sometimes kids lie a lot. Sometimes they're really bad at it. I don't see a problem with this if you can be fairly sure that they are.

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#69

"Does anything ever get into that head of yours?"

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#70

"What do you know about life?"

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#71

"You are too sensitive."

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Knight522
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I get this ALL time. Emotionally and physically as in I don't like loud noise but was still dragged to parties etc.

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#73

"Family finances aren’t your business."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This cuts both ways, u should not talk about financial worries with ur kids, but u should teach them about finances, like bank accounts, credit cards, large long term purchases like homes and cars, and generally how to properly manage money (I don't know why they don't teach this in school)

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#74

"I’m not talking to you until you start behaving right."

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#75

"You’re my reason for living."

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for anyone wondering why this can be toxic, its because it putts alot of pressure on the kid at a young age. Leading them to feel responsible for their parents mental health and happiness.

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#76

"That's not how you do it. Let me show you."

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Nevena
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This one depends very much on the context or situation. There are plenty of instances where showing the right way to do somethinng is beneficial and/or risk reducing e.g. starting a campfire, writing a CV, changing a lightbulb even

#77

"I'm just going to leave you here then."

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#78

"'B' is fine but an 'A' is more better."

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ObliviousInside
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My mom said this about my schoolwork. She wanted straight A's. I graduated with a 3.5 GPA while being punished for bad grades throughout the entirety of my High school career. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends, go to school events, or even do fun stuff with the family. I was only allowed to be at home, work, or school, and she almost made me quit my job.

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#79

"You can't do that!"

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Nevena
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Like in "You can't touch the stove when it's hot" or "you can't hit another person just because"?

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#80

"I will never forgive you."

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#82

"Medical procedure won’t hurt and medicines are just candy."

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Raccoon
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My parents wouldn’t let me take adhd meds or antidepressants. It did NOT turn out well

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#83

"Stop driving me crazy!"

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#84

"I am leaving this house and never coming back."

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#85

"I will give you a toy if you do this."

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Fxnglhl
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

it depends on that "this" is. getting ur kid a toy for getting good grades/studying hard/etc is ok.

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#87

"You're so shy."

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Knight522
Community Member
1 year ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This have been said to me many times including why are you so quiet? Just makes me want to hide/disappear

#88

"You have been so bad all day."

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#89

"Haven’t you learned anything yet?"

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#90

"You did well but you could do better."

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#91

"There's nothing to be afraid of."

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Nevena
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I think that's encouraging yor child to do something new and unfamiliar. I don't really see how is that toxic

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#93

"You're so dramatic."

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#95

"You’re not living up to your potential."

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Poppy
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was always told to 'do your best' but then when my grades weren't that good I got this one. Turns out I had undiagnosed ADHD, I was trying my best.

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#98

"You are so lazy!"

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Knight522
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1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And I have depression. Sometimes I can't even think or get out of bed/room. Didn't get the med I needed until I was 24. Family still doesn't understand and just say be happy or go out more.

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#99

"You are way better than that kid!"

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#100

"You are playing that game wrong!"

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#101

"I hate math, I was never good at it."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I hated math until I got into algebra and realized it was more like solving puzzles than memorizing boring thing after thing after thing.

#102

Stop calling little girls "bossy."

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#103

"Move faster."

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#104

"You're a liar."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Liar, bad and stupid (and other damaging labels) are words we do not call each other in my home, period.

#105

"You should have done better."

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#107

"I don't know how we are going to pay the bills this month."

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bElLa sTairZz
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

my dad used to vent to me about nearly every problem he had. whether it be my mother, finances, politics, or hid gf at the time. I think it lead to alot of my problems today.

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#108

"You will never be any different."

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#109

"You better do what I say or else."

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#110

"It’s just a little white lie."

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#111

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

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Dan Holden
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

...and again, depending on the context, this could be sound advice. This list is terrible.

#112

"You're a bad kid."

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Just a ray of f'ing sunshine
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I got ridiculed by my family when I told them to not call my son a "bad boy" when he did something wrong. He wasn't a bad boy, he just did something wrong. My son is 38 and they still give me sh!t about it. But I am glad I put my foot down on this! No one was going to call my kid "bad."

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#113

"You're a little heartbreaker."

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#114

Screaming “Oh no" when he falls down.

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#115

"I will never let anything bad happen to you."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This should be a true statement, but at the same time u need to teach ur kid that bad things happen even when u do everything right. But there are solutions to most of the bad things in life. Teach ur kids how to properly navigate the ups and downs that the world and life are gonna hurl at us.

#116

"Don’t ask any more questions."

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#117

"That doesn’t sound realistic."

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#119

"That’s impossible."

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#120

"I used drugs and smoked when I was a kid."

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Aroace tiger (she/they/he)
Community Member
2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Actually idk, keeping secrets and stuff doesn't exactly help, when the kids are a little bit older you should be able to be open about it and to talk about why you shouldn't have done what you did

#121

"You are my little perfect angel!"

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bElLa sTairZz
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2 years ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

for people wondering why this is toxic its because it puts pressure on the kid to be perfect

#122

"Mommy's not crying, everything is fine!"

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#124

"When I was your age, I had the hottest girlfriend."

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and_a_touch_of_the_’tism
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Eww. Noooo. And these same people are freaking out about teaching kids that gay people exist will somehow sexualize them.

#125

"Don't jump/run/beat."

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#126

"I don't know who ate your candy."

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#127

"If you don’t clean your room, you’re going to be in big trouble.”

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#128

"We’ll never afford that."

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Miss Mali
Community Member
1 year ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Context, I told my kid when she started school that the state college is great but if she ever wanted to leave here she needed to work hard in school try to get scholarships because we would never be able to afford to pay for her to go to college out of state (if that is what SHE wants to do). And that is exactly what she did, went to college on the east coast, graduated with zero debt.

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