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On the surface, infidelity seems like it’s easy enough to define. It’s a simple binary of doing or not doing certain things. Either you cheated or you didn’t. However, life is a lot more complicated than that. Someone can have not “done anything,” but still cross their partner's boundaries.
Someone asked “What's not really cheating but can count as cheating?” and netizens shared their best examples. We also got in touch with the person who started the thread to learn more. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorite examples and be sure to comment your own thoughts and ideas below.

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#1

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points If you wouldn’t do it with your partner standing right there, don’t do it. You know where the line is. You know when you’re toeing it. You know when you’ve crossed it. Don’t play dumb.

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Adam Belaire
Adam Belaire
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

While I get the sentiment, my mind also goes to "I wouldn't poop in front of my partner standing right there...does that mean I shouldn't poop?"

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#2

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Intentionally deleting texts so your partner doesn’t see them. If it needs to be hidden, it’s already shady.

fairytaalecassy , Pixabay / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Iampenny
Iampenny
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I have done this in the past, but to be fair, I was discussing his birthday present which was to be a surprise. This, or something similar, is really the only excuse for doing so.

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#3

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points In a relationship, if my partner knows that I would really like to do something with them and they don't want to do the thing with me, but then do the exact thing with someone else.
For example: If I am a bike enjoyer and I always ask my partner to come with me for a bike ride and they always say no and that they don't like riding bikes, but then the one time a friend asks them for a bike ride together they go.

Impossible_Form_2826 , Munbaik Cycling Clothing / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Donkey boi
Donkey boi
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm gonna catch some hate for this, but... It's a LOT more nuanced than you're making it seem. You need to consider a lot more that just 'A' doesn't want to do 'thing' with 'B' but will with 'C'. You need to think about how each party approaches the activity, is 'B' too competitive, too serious, not serious enough? How experienced is each party? Is 'B' too advanced to keep up with, not skilled enough to keep up, Is 'A' a complete novice and embarrassed to look an idiot in front of 'B'? The relationship with 'C', is it the lads? Because if it is, they just mucking about together and that makes it more fun. If it's just A & Linda from the office, it ain't bikes that they riding. Is it an activity that either 'A; or 'B' normally does without their partner present? because that can feel like an invasion of "me /their time". There are some things I would not do with my wife, because I know how she is and can be; And there are "her" things that I wouldn't want to ruin for her!

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Black Cat
Black Cat
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I was going to say the same thing, maybe he wouldn't keep up with you so it wouldn't be enjoyable, maybe you're too competitive etc etc

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Katiekat
Katiekat
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's divorce-worthy, or at least considering it. They don't value your time or company? Then why stay?

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LaserBrain
LaserBrain
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not at all. There could be any number of reasons why they may prefer to do something (like ride bicycle) with someone else. If you are not mature enough to recognise your SO's freedom and autonomy, you don't deserve them. That's just controlling, possessive, and disrespectful to them, not to mention annoying.

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Debbie
Debbie
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I don't entirely agree, this depends on communication. Ask why they don't want to go with you but do go with that friend. Maybe his friend has some issues, and eventhough he really doesn't like riding, he goes for his friend? And no, I don't think that he then also has to do things he doesn't like with you just because you like them. You can share other activities. (And yes, it depends a little if the friend is someone he could be attracted to). It's not divorce worthy. They can do other things together, you don't have to do things because someone else wants them to. If he does nothing with you or doesn't suggest an other activity... then yes.

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Sarah Matsoukis
Sarah Matsoukis
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

What if you do it in a way the other one doesn't enjoy? My ex and I were both gamers, we shared some fave games but playing together was horrible because our playstyles were completely incompatible.

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viimatar
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Not that simple. There are various reasons why the partner wouldn't want to go with the OP - being tired, being too preoccupied, needing time to wind down... whereas this friend might be someone they see once in 6 months, or maybe they needed time just between the guys for once. Maybe the OP is just inconsiderate and pedals too fast, or otherwise acts annoyingly. We know absolutely nothing about the background - and yet, most of the commenters are right away suggesting that a divorce is the only option. It’s not the first option or even the most viable choice. It might be reasonable to suggest that they sit down and talk what keeps on eating on their relationship, or get a few sessions of couples counseling, but the first instinct shouldn't always be divorcing. No wonder the statistics are do bad, if this is the most usual approach?

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Janelle Collard
Janelle Collard
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Premium 3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'd ask her why she doesn't want to ride with me. Are you going too fast? Does she like to stop + look at stuff + you need to do Tour de France when you ride?

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Fran
Fran
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2 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Everybody seems to be focusing on the bike thing. I know exactly what the poster means. My ex will not go on a car ride with me, too tired, but will gladly go on a 2 hour round trip , go trek up a mountain he said we will go to (we never), or get a take away (whenever I asked hell say no, they're too greasy) if anyone else will ask. I propose a good idea to save some money and stock (he has a glamping pod, uses a 1lt bottle of juice everyday, I suggested to get the smaller 200 MLS ones, told him for years) no can't do, but his mother mentions it ones, guess what he uses now. Is disrespectful. I get the competitiveness thing, but sometimes people are just *"'**

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Bored Panda got in touch with the person who posted the thread and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions. Firstly, we wanted to know why she was inspired to post this particular query to the internet and what she thought of it getting so popular.

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“I just posted that because I was bored tbh. I honestly didn't think it would get so much traffic. Which I really, really don't like,” she shared. Naturally, we also wanted to hear their thoughts on the topic. “Things that are not point blank cheating but is cheating imo: Hugging the same woman twice. Once is enough.”
#4

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points We went to brunch with a group of friends. My wife couldn’t finish her meal and said “does anyone want my bacon?” instead of immediately defaulting to offering it to me, her husband. Still haven’t forgiven her.

Accomplished_Egg6239 , Vincent Rivaud / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Lyoness
Lyoness
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I love how wholesomely funny some of these are (and I'm saying that as a bacon lover).

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#5

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Having a work wife/husband. The only people I’m aware of doing this, yeah they were cheaters.

RavingSquirrel11 , Ron Lach / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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General Anaesthesia
General Anaesthesia
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A trad wife at home, a work wife outside; work-life balance is good, no? [/s, just in case]

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#6

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Stopping at Dairy Queen for the Blizzard of the month, and savoring every delicious bite in your car before bringing home all the healthy food for your hubby’s diet.

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“Also, lingering hugs? No. Whispering in another woman's ear 'Oh my God' you smell sooooo good while you're hugging her??? You might as well turn around and punch me in the face. I'm a black woman, so taking out another women's braids??? Absolutely not. She has hands, and if she doesn't, she has feet. I'm not sorry.”
#7

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Flirting with someone online and calling it harmless fun.

Galactic_Goose_3 , Monstera Production / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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DadManBlues
DadManBlues
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I did it several times. Never met them in real, no photos of body parts etc. I thought it was fun, but I woul d be jealous if wifey would do the same.

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#8

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points I guess when I found out he had taken another girls underwear from her bathroom floor because he liked her. Technically not cheating, but I kinda wish he had cheated rather than that.

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Tempest
Tempest
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly this sounds more disturbing than cheating…

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#9

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Emotional infidelity. People know when they’re giving something to someone else that is sacred to the relationship.

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2 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So you are able to completely stop all romantic feelings at will? That's amazing! For many people, it's a simple chemical reaction in the brain, one that a person has no conscious control over. A person is responsible for what they say or do, but having feelings for someone is totally involuntary.

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“Intense eye contact for more than 4 seconds, while paying attention to what she's saying. And you're smiling? Absolutely not. Like, why don't you just stab my mom? Laughing uncontrollably at another woman's joke. So uncontrollably that you can't even breathe. She's not that funny,” she shared with Bored Panda.

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#10

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Suggesting opening up your relationship with someone specific in mind.

SadlyNotDannyDeVito , Budgeron Bach / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Hphizzle
Hphizzle
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And that never seems to end well. At least for the person suggesting to open it up.

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#11

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points My partner made a whole plate of nachos while I was taking a nap and didn’t save me any, he might as well just have an affair at that point honestly.

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#12

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Allowing someone to think they have a chance with you (in other words, leading them on), or not shutting someone down immediately when you’re in a relationship and intentionally withholding the fact that you’re taken out of the conversation…

Source: Been There, Done That ✔️.

adeduedemballa , Bethany Ferr/ pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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René Sauer
René Sauer
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

And what if you don´t notice that you are "leading someone on"? What if it only is in the persons head?

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#13

When you know the person wouldn't be okay with it if you told them or asked them about it, so you don't tell them so they won't say no and you can pretend it's the same as if they agreed to it.

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#14

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Getting coffee with Marisa Tomei when you find out she's into short, stocky, bald men.

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#15

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Keeping pictures of your old crush on your computer with her husband and kids cut out of them.

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DC and S
DC and S
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This seems oddly specific. ...PLEASE tell me this is oddly specific and not a thing many people do.

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#16

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points I read a fun Reddit post about a woman who developed a fake relationship (sexting included) with an AI version of Arthur Morgan. She stopped spending time with her partner and only confided with the AI about problems.

Is it cheating if it’s not a real person? Does the answer matter if the feelings are real?

add0607 , Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Tempest
Tempest
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So scary how we’ve already come to this stage. Perhaps this needs a new term coined to describe the “cheating” situation.

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#17

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Flirting with someone to the point where it crosses emotional boundaries—it’s like playing with fire without getting burned.

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viimatar
viimatar
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Except that in this case, someone does get burned, unless all three are willing to accept a triad relationship. This kinda ignores the third party's feelings entirely.

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#18

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Watching advance episodes that you and your partner both watches.

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Donkey boi
Donkey boi
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Neither my partner or myself are bothered by spoilers, so were both happy to let the other continue. If we think it's a 'You NEED to see it!' episode, it's obviously good so, why would we mind watching it again?

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#19

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Allowing yourself to be in a situation where you have the option to cheat.

You can stop that well in advance.

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BoredPossum
BoredPossum
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nah, that option can come fast and unexpected, especially for guys who are totally clueless when it comes to flirting.

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#20

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Secretly paying for Only Fans behind your partners back.

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Darthest Starfish
Darthest Starfish
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

.........this one is BS. It's porn and paying for porn is not great, but it's certainly not cheating.

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#21

When my wife goes to Taco Bell without me.

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#22

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points "Monkey Branching", aka approaching a romantically compatible partner to pursue a friendship with them that's entirely innocent and platonic and is not breaching any sort of boundaries in any way - but the itended goal is to keep them in the loop and stay in touch so that you have an exist strategy should your current relationship go south.

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#23

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points My first serious relationship I made friends with a coworker at work. On my side, it was nothing more than friendship so I did not understand why my ex was upset. This actually ended our relationship. A few days after my coworker made her move.

I didn’t see it at the time because I only saw her as a friend. But apparently being friends with someone who likes you is cheating.

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#24

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points My wife had a dream I hooked up with her friend and was mad at me for weeks. Not sure if that counts or not.

Thrillhouse801 , Craig Adderley/ pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Tempest
Tempest
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Of course that counts! You have to be faithful at all times. Including in HER dreams! /s

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#25

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Having dating apps installed but stopped using them.

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Darthest Starfish
Darthest Starfish
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Nope, don't have them and can't say I'd use them again; but it's not cheating. If you use them, then yes, I see your point.

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#26

Using pet names that you use with your partner….especially with someone your partner already doesn’t trust.

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#27

One of my friends once found messages from his gf telling some guy she was online friends with how if she gave him a lap dance her moves would make him bust in his pants lmao he was like “is this cheating,” i said bro that’s basically sexting and emotional cheating, you can’t be telling some guy you’d make him flood his khakis with a lap dance that’s crazy.

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BoredPossum
BoredPossum
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3 months ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

Nah, it could be tacky boasting from her side.

#28

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Being nice and still hanging out with someone who is obviously trying to get with you.

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Darthest Starfish
Darthest Starfish
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

..................so being nice and being a friend is now cheating? If you make your intentions clear then should not be an issue.

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#29

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points I'm so getting hate for this on reddit but watching p*rn. It is so damaging to relationships it's not even funny.

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Debbie
Debbie
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Depends on how often and if the expectations of sex irl are that it is like what they saw on screen.

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#30

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Lying about your past. A sexual relationship is founded on certain terms, one of which is your past. If you have lied about those terms, then you have broken the basic contract.

teraza95 , Diva Plavalaguna/ pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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David Morgan
David Morgan
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Disagree. The past is your business alone, provided it doesn't impact the current relationship. If you aren't being honest about the CURRENT relationship then that is a problem.

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#31

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Deep emotional connection with someone to the point you feel like they understand you better than your current partner. It's always a trap because you don't really know them that well and it's just one aspect in which they seem to be better, while in fact they might be not.

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BoredPossum
BoredPossum
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes, yes, to the OP, you listen, hmm. Once you start down that path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.

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#32

Foot massage according to Marcellus Wallace.

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BoredPossum
BoredPossum
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That film was made by Tarantino and doesn't necessarily reflect the way the average person thinks.

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#33

Going out to see a movie with someone who you barely know and not wanting your partner to go with because...reasons? Literally happened to me, couple months later she dumped me for him. Classic "he's just a friend" story.

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#34

Kissing.

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Dawn Murphy
Dawn Murphy
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I kiss my guy friends on the cheek with a hello or goodbye hug. If it is anything more than that, then yes it would be considered cheating.

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#35

When you're on a break in your relationship, or let's say it ends for a short couple of weeks and your partner is hooking up with someone of their friends (and you've always had a bad feeling of this friend before). And then two weeks later you're back together. In that short time you weren't officially together, but it really feels like cheating.

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Emma S
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3 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Personally I think thw whole purpose of being "on a break" should be so that the people in the relationship can get some space from each other to work on their issues, and when they've done that they can potentially resume the relationship. It should not be an excuse for one person to sleep with others during that time. If they're asking for a break purely so they can go off and have sex with other people and keep their options open with you, then it's still cheating.

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#36

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Credit card debt your spouse doesn't know about.

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#37

It has been said that even crushing on a celebrity or gawking at say another guy/gal when you are in a relationship is adultery. I always told my hubby for decades if Elvira ever hit on him IRL go for it. Hated to break his bubble when told him I would have a better chance with C. P. than him but he can dream and I don't consider it cheating.

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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is definitely not cheating, right guys?! What harm is there in having a crush on someone who doesn’t even know you exist and you’ll probably never meet?

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#38

Share the most vulnerable part of yourself and your best self with someone other than your spouse.

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Jane Jayne Jain Jeign Jein
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3 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your spouse doesn't own you. If you're sharing things with others you haven't shared with your spouse then that's not a good sign of a healthy relationship. But being jealous that your partner is able to be vulnerable with others who might also help them is whack.

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#39

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Keeping secrets. Unless it's something non-serious you should be 100% honest with your partner always.

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Lyoness
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That's very definite. Honesty is a great policy, but we don't need our partners to know absolutely everything. We have a right to our private thoughts, provided it isn't hurting our relationship.

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#40

I found this out the hard way. Rough patch with an ex, get into a fight, she was supposed to go on vacation with me and my family. She opted not to and while I was away, she sleeps with a mutual friend of ours.

Turns out I said we were done while we were still living together. She took this to mean we broke up. I took this to mean we're done with this conversation.

I tried to forgive her. But she showed me a part of herself I couldn't move past. I loved her and miss her often still but who the f**k takes one conversation and then f***s someone a week later when you still live together?

Turns out she's now dating a different guy she told me was just a friend and he used to text her all the time about how he hates his fiance. And then she brought me to his wedding.

So yea I really have no f****n clue.

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#41

30 People Debated What They Count As Cheating And They Made Some Interesting Points Anything you hide from your partner (texting someone, going out of your way just to bump into someone, flirting with someone etc etc).

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#42

Not mentioning when you make new friends with single people who are considered very attractive. It's not cheating by any means but it can be very alarming to learn your partner has new attractive friend that they never actually talk about or bring around but talk to frequently.

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#43

Intentionally being flirty when you’re in a committed relationship. I knew my ex was flirty when we met, but she was also one of those people who was so friendly it could be taken as flirting a lot.

Being with her for 20 years, I knew the damn difference, because I’m not an idiot. When I felt like she was crossing a line with a few guys over the years, I said something.

She always said I was being insecure, but I was fully secure. I was the only one working, I paid all the bills, I cooked dinner every night, and I paid her way through 16 years of school. She wasn’t the catch, but I loved her anyway because she made me happy and we could talk for hours about literally anything, and I enjoy that intellectual stimulation so much. In the end, it turned out she cheated with all 4 guys I called her out on, so I left.

As guys, we’re dumb even when we think we aren’t, but we aren’t stupid. You know when your wife of decades is crossing a line.

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Lyoness
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

First thing, cheating sucks, no doubt about it. But I'm not sure why this person associates emotional security in a relationship with earning money, cooking and paying bills. Where's the connection there? Is it that she had to depend on him for those things? That part of the post doesn't make sense to me.

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#44

Keeping your roster in check and messaging women behind your girlfriends back for attention.

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#45

Many ppl would say if the man is watching p*rn. However what doesn't get mentioned often is women reading smut. Some men don't like that and feel that it's "cheating". Some men also don't like when their partner writes/draws smut either.

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#46

Break up with someone and say you still want to fix the relationship but can’t do it rn, keep doing the same couple things you used to do. After a few months suddenly cut off all contact for 2 weeks, f**k someone else, come back and pretend nothing happened and say you still want to move on and fix the relationship.
Technically not cheating cause you’re not officially together, but still cheating since you’re going behind someone’s back and you know this person would leave you and never talk to you again if they knew.
Specific, I know.

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#47

Engaging in certain types of online behavior. Posting pics for validation, yes even on reddit. Liking someone else's suggestive pics. Texting with an opposite sex coworker or opposite sex friend excessively that isnt in a group chat with your partner. Following opposite sex on instagram for the suggestive photos. Any online engagement with the opposite sex basically. P*rn, I'm ok with. Cam girls or IG models, hard no.

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Lyoness
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Agreed. It's the interaction that takes it from OK to nope. (proviso that it's not just betwwen the opposite sexes, it's the sex you're attracted to - lesbian woman to another woman for example).

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#48

My wife went into the water at the beach today with her friends and never goes in when we go together. I feel pretty s****y right now to tell you the truth.

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Lyoness
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3 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why? Maybe she's self conscious about her body and is more comfortable with her friends. Seems like some men don't understand that women can be absolutely happy to have sex but are hugely self conscious about their bodies with their partner. There's a reason turning out the light when you're in bed together is such a trope. So ask her why she isn't swimming with you. You might be surprised.

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#49

Getting butterflies about someone you’re doing something with and you are attached…probably a form of cheating.

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#50

-Keeping friendly relationships with Exs

-Talking at night with someone else when your husband/wife is sleeping in the bed with you.

-Making new « friends » outside or in a club, and pretending that Its totally platonic in your side but we all know its BS. The other one wants you and you are pretending that you dont know it, just to keep that relationship in case your couple will not make you happy enough.

-Sleeping at someone else home, when you are only 2.. then pretending he is an old friend and you were too tired/drunk to go home safe.

-Deleting messages, hiding your phone.

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