"I wasn’t a failed DJ. I was pre-successful." - Jason Mendoza

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"I am a strong, independent acid snake in the skinsuit of a strong, independent woman." - Vicky

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"Now we’re going to do the most human thing of all: attempt something futile with a ton of unearned confidence and fail spectacularly!" – Michael

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"I feel like Friends in Season 8. Out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense." - Michael

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"If you are the devil, how come you are not wearing Prada?" - Jason Mendoza

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"If you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I’ve been there. And everybody’s been there. So don’t fight it." - Eleanor Shellstrop

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"I know it sounds crazy. But if it weren’t crazy, they wouldn’t call it a leap of faith. They would call it a sit of doubting." - Eleanor Shellstrop

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"What matters isn’t if people are good or bad. What matters is, if they’re trying to be better today than they were yesterday. You asked me where my hope comes from? That’s my answer." - Michael

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"There are still some people in this world that we care about, so I say we try and help them become good people. Why not try? It’s better than not trying, right?" - Eleanor Shellstrop

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"It turns out life isn’t a puzzle that can be solved one time and it’s done. You wake up every day, and you solve it again." - Chidi

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"In case you were wondering, I am, by definition, the best version of myself." - Janet

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"Sometimes, when you’re feeling helpless, the secret is to help someone else. Get out of your own head. Trust me. The next time someone asks for help, say yes." – Michael

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"I am gonna punch a wall with my head. I will meet up with you later." - Eleanor Shellstrop

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"I am too young to die and too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!" - Jason Mendoza

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"This is what we’ve been looking for since the day we met. Time. That’s what the Good Place really is — it’s not even a place, really. It’s just having enough time with the people you love." – Chidi Anagonye

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"These days, just buying a tomato at a grocery store means that you are unwittingly supporting toxic pesticides, exploiting labor, and contributing to global warming. Humans think that they are making one choice, but they're actually making dozens of choices they don't even know they are making." - Michael

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"If soulmates do exist, they’re not found. They’re made." – Michael

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"I assume he’s doing the same as every human. Some good days. Some bad days. He’s got a few friends, a few people he can’t stand. He’s learning some things, all by himself, and hopefully learning to ask for help when he needs it. He’s messing up, and trying again, and messing up again, and then getting things wrong, and then trying to make them right. That’s what everyone does." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"I’ll say this to you, my friend, with all the love in my heart and all the wisdom of the universe. Take it sleazy." – Michael

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"Your big revelation is Life is complicated? That is not a revelation. That's a divorced woman's throw pillow." - The Judge

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"Don’t worry, demons can’t die. He’ll slowly re-form himself over a few months, passing through all the stages of demon growth. Larvae, slug monster, spooky little girl, teenaged boy, a giant ball of tongues, social media CEO, and then finally demon." - Michael

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"I hate to see you walk through the final door at the edge of existence… but I love to watch you leave." – Janet

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"It’s not about who you know. Enlightenment comes from within. The Dalai Llama texted me that." - Tahani Al-Jamil

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"The point is, you’re cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. I’ve never seen you dance, but I bet you’re good, cause you’re good at everything. You’re awesome! Be nicer to yourself." – Jason Mendoza

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"Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?" – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"I forgot how needy humans are." - Shawn

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"I have no idea what's going on, but everyone else is talking and I should too." - Jason Mendoza

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"Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison." - Michael

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"You said that every human is a little bit sad all the time because you know you’re going to die. But that knowledge is what gives life meaning." - Michael

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"Okay homies, you’re sad. I can tell ’cause you have the same looks on your faces that my teachers did whenever I raised my hand in class. But let’s be happy." - Jason Mendoza

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"Picture a wave in the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through, and it’s there, and you can see it, you know what it is. It’s a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it’s gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be for a little while." – Chidi Anagonye

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"Our fates are sealed. But I think we have one move left: We can try." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"There is some good news. There’s some cake left!" – Neil from Accounting

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"I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium, find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"Diana Tremaine is my fake ID name. How dare she steal the identity I stole?" - Eleanor

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"My whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles, I would simply say, ‘I would like to speak to a manager.’ But in our relationship, there was no manager. There was no one who could fix this for me except me." - Tahani Al-Jamil

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"If you love someone, set them free. My good friend and yoga pupil, Sting, no last initial, told me that." - Tahani Al-Jamil

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"Remember the thought experiment where you’re driving a trolley and you can either plough into a group of people or turn and hit one person? I solved it. See, the trolley problem forces you to choose between two versions of letting other people die. The actual solution is very simple: sacrifice yourself." - Michael

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Michael: "That's ancient history."
Chidi: "It was happening until 20 seconds ago."

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"Come on, you know how this works. You fail and then you try something else. And you fail again and again, and you fail a thousand times, and you keep trying because maybe the 1,001st idea might work. Now, I’m gonna and try to find our 1,001st idea." - Michael

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"We do nothing. We hope that our early successes make up for the embarrassing mess we’ve become. Like Facebook. Or America." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"I guess ‘try and enjoy this is a better plan than ‘have the anxiety sweats." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"There’s an old Chinese proverb: ‘Lies are like tigers, they are bad.’ I guess it’s more poetic in Mandarin." - Chidi Anagonye

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Chidi: "You are the most self-obsessed person I have ever met."
Eleanor: "You should see Kendall Jenner's Instagram feed."

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"I studied the human concept of friends. I even watched all 10 seasons of the show Friends. Boy, those Friends really were friends, weren't they?" - Michael

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"I haven't been this upset since my good friend Taylor was rudely upstaged by my other friend Kanye, who was defending my best friend, Beyoncé." - Tahani

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"The beach is where all the best stuff happens, like swimsuit issues and Saving Private Ryan, and Jersey Shore and crabs." - Jason Mendoza

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"The problem is, if all you care about in the world is the velvet rope, you will always be unhappy, no matter which side you’re on." - Tahani Al-Jamil

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"If you’re always frozen in fear and taking too long to figure out what to do, you’ll miss your opportunity, and maybe get sucked into the propeller of a swamp boat." – Jason Mendoza

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"We’re refugees. What kind of messed up place would turn away refugees?" – Jason Mendoza

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"Here’s an idea. What if we don’t worry about whatever comes next?" – Chidi Anagonye

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"It’s a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow. Or like someone on the internet saying, You know what? You’ve convinced me I was wrong." – Michael

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"Principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them." - Chidi Anagonye

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"Sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful. Like with Cindy Crawford and how short she is." - Tahani Al-Jamil

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"I argue that we choose to be good because of our bonds with other people and our innate desire to treat them with dignity. Simply put, we are not in this alone." - Chidi Anagonye

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"Michael: "How did they afford that apartment? A waitress and a chef with those Manhattan prices." - Michael

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"Why not? More guys should be bi. It's 2018. It's like, get over yourselves." - Eleanor Shellstrop

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"You know what I just discovered recently? Podcasts. There’s, like, a billion of them and they just keep coming." – The Judge

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"That’s what makes it special. I won’t exactly know what’s going to happen after I die. Nothing more human than that. Besides texting people that you’re five minutes away when you haven’t even left the house." - Michael

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"The wave returns to the ocean. What the ocean does with the water after that is anyone’s guess. But as a very wise not-robot once told me, true joy is in the mystery." – Eleanor Shellstrop

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"Eleanor farted, and then she blamed it on her chair. That’s gonna cost her at least a few points." – Janet

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"A millennial is someone who's only been torturing people for a thousand years. Millennial." - Michael

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"In football, trying to run out the clock and hoping for the best never works. It’s called “prevent defense.” You don’t take any chances and just try and hold on to your lead. But prevent defense just PREVENTS you from winning! It’s always better to try something." – Jason Mendoza

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