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Mom Caves From Intrusive In-Laws Not Helping With Chores But Only Holding Baby, Is Called Out
![“[Am I The Jerk] For Telling Family I Didn’t Find Their Visiting And Holding My New Baby ‘Helpful’?”](https://www.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/telling-family-visiting-holding-baby-helpful-fb19-png__700.jpg)
So, it’s done! Nine months of waiting are over, the newborn baby is snoring peacefully in your arms, and you are finally leaving for home. Flowers, exclamations of joy (hushhh, be quiet, the baby is sleeping!…), sincere congratulations. But in reality, it’s just the beginning. No, not like that. It. Is. Just. The. Beginning.
The heroine of today’s story, the user u/bananastand9, recently gave birth to her first child, and along with the inevitable difficulties of the first months of a baby’s life, she also had to face problems from her in-laws. However, let’s talk about everything in order.
More info: Reddit
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The author of the post recently gave birth to her first child and returned home after c-section
Image credits: Sergey Makashin (not the actual photo)
The in-laws literally inserted themselves into the new mom’s life in order ‘to help’
Image credits: bananastand9
However this ‘help’ was mainly playing with the baby and holding him in their arms, and not actually helping with chores or walking the woman’s dog
Image credits: Sarah Chai (not the actual photo)
Image credits: bananastand9
The woman finally had had enough of this and banned the in-laws from her home until she recovers from surgery
Image credits: Samson Katt (not the actual photo)
Image credits: bananastand9
The relatives took offense at this decision, claiming that they just were being helpful, not clingy
Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)
Image credits: bananastand9
However, after a few months, the new mom got well and lifted her ban for all of the relatives
The Original Poster (OP) complains online that her partner’s numerous relatives have been literally besieging their home since almost the very first day they returned home, claiming that they “want to help.” However, their help mainly consists of the fact that they just want to hold the baby in their arms, and nothing more.
At the same time, the author, recovering from a c-section, for obvious reasons could not do almost any chores, and would have been grateful for help of this kind. But no one except her SIL even thought to offer it.
The new mom says that she is wealthy enough to invite cleaning specialists, but the question is not even about saving money, but simply about ordinary human sympathy and participation. But it was all in vain – clingy relatives wandered around her house, trying to hold the newborn, play with him – and de facto only distracting the mom from various important matters.
It all ended with our heroine one fine day simply forbidding the in-laws from coming to her home until she recovered from the surgery. Her partner mostly sided with her – but is it any surprise that the entire extended family almost immediately started taking sincere offense at this decision?
However, in addition to the post, the OP says that a couple of months later, when her health was restored and she had completely settled into her new role as a mother, she announced that she was again glad to see all her relatives at home – and her house was again filled with guests. Although, of course, no one offered help with chores…
Image credits: William Fortunato (not the actual photo)
“Unfortunately, many relatives, in their ardent desire to take part in the life of a young family with a newborn child, see this participation solely in order to indicate their status as a grandma, grandpa, uncle or aunt. Ideally, by recording this in photographs, but nothing more,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, with whom Bored Panda got in touch for a comment here.
“Either the participation of relatives in family life becomes overly intrusive, they try to set their own rules, impose their own viewpoints – and it’s actually impossible to say which is worse. And here, it seems to me, the ball is in the spouse’s court, because she said that these are mostly their relatives.”
“In any case, here it is necessary for the spouse to intervene, to establish certain boundaries between their family and other relatives – because it’s in the first months after the childbirth that their support is especially important. Or, as an option, they can take on the chores themselves,” Irina ponders.
People in the comments to the original post also criticized the OP’s partner, arguing that they should be the one standing up for their spouse in this case. “Your problem isn’t your family-in-law, it’s your partner. Why isn’t he helping you by handling his family? Why is this your job when you are dealing with your health issues and a new baby?” one of the commenters wrote angrily. “You need to get him in line, no matter how much of a mama’s boy he is.”
Commenters also believe that if the spouse doesn’t want to interfere in sorting things out with relatives (and this isn’t the most pleasant process, just agree!), then they can always take on the chores on their own. “Ummm so why isn’t your partner doing any of the vacuum, carry laundry, clean, etc.,” another person added.
By the way, father’s help with the household for a new mom is actually a must. It is enough, for example, to read this recent post of ours, about a dad who took paternity leave at work to help his wife around the house after the birth of her second child – and really regretted not having done so after the birth of her first kid. And what do you, our dear readers, think about this?
People in the comments claimed that the mom did the right thing here, and that her partner was wrong in not standing up for her
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What do you think ?
arthbach 7 months ago (edited)
The rules I follow when I visit are: you bring a meal for them, or at least some little treats. Phone beforehand to see if they need anything. Whilst you are there, the new parents do nothing. You make a cup of tea/coffee, and you clean up after yourself. If there's dishes to be washed, then you wash them. If there is rubbish to be taken out, you do that. If there's an elder sibling, you play with them, and keep them company. The 'reward' is a baby cuddle, but you only get the cuddle when you have helped the parents and made their life a little easier.
cerinamroth 7 months ago
You're a prince or princess among humans! I wish you could have come and visit instead of my mother!
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Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 7 months ago
Ive known babies who are fussy when theyre not being held (for a variety of reasons). But a baby who is just fine in their bassinet is a godsend and should be left alone to sleep and get fat. The inlaws were just being jerks to bother a new mom who just had major surgery and a literal resting baby. There is no need to politely feed their delusions
arthbach 7 months ago (edited)
The rules I follow when I visit are: you bring a meal for them, or at least some little treats. Phone beforehand to see if they need anything. Whilst you are there, the new parents do nothing. You make a cup of tea/coffee, and you clean up after yourself. If there's dishes to be washed, then you wash them. If there is rubbish to be taken out, you do that. If there's an elder sibling, you play with them, and keep them company. The 'reward' is a baby cuddle, but you only get the cuddle when you have helped the parents and made their life a little easier.
cerinamroth 7 months ago
You're a prince or princess among humans! I wish you could have come and visit instead of my mother!
Load More Replies... Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo 7 months ago
Ive known babies who are fussy when theyre not being held (for a variety of reasons). But a baby who is just fine in their bassinet is a godsend and should be left alone to sleep and get fat. The inlaws were just being jerks to bother a new mom who just had major surgery and a literal resting baby. There is no need to politely feed their delusions
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