Sept 22 2024 the birthday of my friend Sammy who was killed when he was just a kid at 17. He was shot multiple times as was his step-dad at their own front door. His father, only in his 30s at the time, was killed that night. Sammy fought for weeks but ultimately succumbed to his multiple gunshot wounds. That happened in 1993 and I was young myself and it was my first experience with death as I never had lost anyone I knew to death. What really got me about his murder he was just so young and had so much life ahead of him as did his step father. Never did I think I would lose my own child at the same age years later.

Sammy fought for weeks for his life and I just feel my kid gave up on hers. She was my one and only precious daughter 3rd of the bunch. She would be my first girl as I had 2 boys and I myself was 23 at the time. As a young mom I fought judgment and poverty. It was never easy. I took responsibility of all my kids worked 2 sometimes 3 job. Working so much at times the kids were alone the oldest only 12. I do remember taking them on road trips and state fair and other places. I tried so hard to give them a good life but we did have hardships and sometimes no place to live. I was young and naive and meet and too fast married the man who would eventually ruin my life. I wanted help and got it from my husband Jesus. I then had a son by him and now had 4 kids. My one and only precious daughter at the tender age of 6 came to me with the worst deep dark secret she couldn’t keep anymore. The man who she called dad was doing things to her and my first thought was to kill the man! Called the police and he was arrested and sentenced 22 years in prison and I feel my daughters sentence was death. He took her spirit, her light and any sense of normalcy. Therapy and doctors were never enough. Janurary 5 2016 just shy of 17 my daughter ended her own little life and attempted to take her puppy Mia too but the dog survived. I see all my mistakes to late, I see the I should of couldve aspects of the entire situation now. Now I see my presence was needed more even when she pushed everyone away. Now I see she didn’t need space, she needed more love. Now I see I needed to be her voice until she found hers. After all, I am at fault. I let his man in our lives. I brought the monster into my home and trusted this stranger with my little kids.Suicide runs in the family I believe . I have an uncle who ended his life the exact same way my little Danny did. Uncle Richard was a military man who only a few months back from his last tour ended his own life at 52 years old. Suicide has crossed my mind so many times after I lost my daughter the incredible pain was unbearable both physically and mentally . September is suicide awareness month do we all know the warning signs? How do I keep fighting after I have lost so much? I have also lost 4 miscarriages in total and lost 5 children. How do I balance those feelings while being an advocate for suicide awareness. I want to tell my story to warn other parents as I thought it would never happen to me. I just can’t find direction in my life when I constantly feel incomplete. Be kind to others and when there’s doubt go ahead reach out.

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