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“How The Hell Is There Sand In Here?” And 30 More Stories Of Doctors Not Holding Back With Language
Many years ago on some internet forum (yes, very many years ago!), I read a humorous collection of "words you wouldn't want to hear from a doctor on the operating table." There were things like, "Accept my sacrifice, oh Dark Lord!" or "Okay kitty, stop meowing, here's a piece of meat for you!"
I thought it was very funny until, many years later, when the doctor was pumping fluid out of my knee, she uttered thoughtfully: "Damn, how funnily the syringe swings..." After that, I realized that a good doctor for me is a silent doctor. Well, some characters in this collection will agree with me, and some will definitely not. Anyway, let's just read on.
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#1
A male doctor declared that I was about to receive the best pelvic exam in my life. He then proceeded to chatter about how horrible they are for women so he asked his wife to help instruct him on making them as painless and comfortable as possible. He did not lie, it was indeed the best pelvic exam I’ve had in my life. Weird as f**k to start out that way, but bless him for caring so much.
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#2
Dr: Are you related to Dr _____ that works here?
Me: Yes, he’s my uncle
Dr: Do you like him?
Me: No he’s an absolute d**k
Dr: opens door rushes down hallway and I can overhear him say “told you! Even his own family hates him” to the other docs in the office.
#3
I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”.
In this collection by Bored Panda, you will find a variety of stories - from the damn funny to the absolutely ridiculous and completely inappropriate. Some of them could probably cost doctors their jobs, while others, on the contrary, helped their patients believe in themselves and their future recovery. After all, no one has canceled the placebo effect - and encouraging words from a doctor are also kind of a powerful placebo. And vice versa as well.
#4
A horse threw me into the side of the barn (not really her fault) and broke my coccyx. ER took xrays of my pelvis. The ER doctor came in to tell me their findings with the biggest grin on his face and said, "Contrary to public opinion, I can't put your a*s in a sling." He obviously had been waiting his entire career to deliver that line.
#5
Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room.
Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X
Dad. I just haven't been feeling myself lately.
Doctor. I'm glad it's a filthy habit.
I almost choked laughing.
Debby Keir 2 months ago
Was it - I'm glad it's a filthy habit - or - I'm glad, it's a filthy habit??????
Did I say that out loud? (he/him)cis/het 2 months ago
Punctuation people or punctuation,people.
Load More Replies... 
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My! 2 months ago
Sitting in the common area of my unit at prison, I was studying some chess openings. One of the women came up to me, and said I shouldn't play with myself like that in public.
Larry Prescott 2 months ago (edited)
That's a matter of opinion. In a way, isn't it like talking to yourself?
#6
I had a female doctor bend me over and stick her finger up my butt to check my prostate. When she was done she said “Your prostate is absolutely wonderful! No enlargement at all. It’s absolutely fantastic! GOOD FOR YOU!”
She did this with the same voice and look on her face that one would give to someone who just performed a symphonic masterpiece. I felt so accomplished.
I’m sorry she left the practice.
It is interesting that about a quarter of a century ago, researchers noticed a trend that doctors generally began to talk less with patients about their illnesses, preferring to answer questions and fill out standard questionnaires. “As time progresses, I’m becoming convinced that doctors don’t like talking to patients,” Frank J. Weinstock, M.D., wrote in their study dated back to 1999.
“Staff members answer most questions and screen all calls, and the ‘don’t tell the patient I’m here’ attitude seems to be on the rise. It’s especially prevalent when it comes to talking on the phone.” Well, as the old chewing gum commercial once said, "Sometimes it's better to chew than to talk!"
#7
I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, "Huh. That's an... interesting color."
This wouldn't be at all strange if his own hair wasn't BRIGHT BLUE.
#8
An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.”
Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.”
Doctor dad jokes….
#9
In the ER about 2am, he didn't speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I'm 99% sure that wasn't me. He says "are you (name)?" I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, "Are you Skittlecar1?" I said yes. Ok good. You're having a heart attack.
Ended up with 5 stents and I'm all good now after some therapy.
After all, doctors are people too, with their own character traits (some would call them "oddities"), with their own strengths and weaknesses. It just so happens that their place of work is much more vital for many of us than, for example, the place of work of a car mechanic (well, a bad example - our life also much depends on the quality of the car mechanic's work).
In any case, no matter what sense of humor a doctor has, it probably shouldn't be used in relation to a patient's illness. Simply because it looks really inappropriate and unethical. And, as we have already noted, some doctors have encountered complaints about their strange phrases when communicating with patients.
#10
We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic!
I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”.
#11
An older doctor was examining my breasts because they were lumpy and it concerned me. The doctor said ‘wow! Your breasts are just like my wifes … er I mean you both have fibrocystic breasts.’ He blushed and I just laughed.
#12
I asked him what a long acronym "FUE" the ocular oncologist wrote meant, he tried to pronounce it, shrugged, and said "We'll just call it F****d Up Eye". It's been called that ever since.
During the same weird cancer episode, a neurologist said my brain was "unremarkable". I mean, he's right in so many ways, but I was delighted to hear it.
"In fact, a lot depends on the doctor's specialization and their experience," says Iryna Stasiuk, an expert in syndromic therapy from Odessa, Ukraine, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. "Often, urologists and proctologists joke the most - simply because of the specifics of their profession. And, of course, the doctor's experience is also important."
"The thing is that an experienced doctor, regardless of specialty, is at the same time quite a good psychologist, and is able to ‘read’ the patient - to understand how much a joke will lift their spirits. And if the specialist understands that humor is inappropriate in a given situation, they will remain silent. Of course, there are outrageous cases, but this is more the exception than the rule."
"Again, I will say that jokes - even ‘on the verge of a foul’ - are most often made by specialists with many years of experience," Iryna sums up.
#13
I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out.
Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold.
#14
I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said "well so do I, that's pretty normal", then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied "well whats the point of drinking if you're not going to get drunk?". I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he'd taken me seriously.
Becca not Becky 2 months ago
Doctors actually have a high rate of alcoholism, so I wonder if this one had a drinking problem as well.
#15
“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain.
That was a private doctor that I paid good money for.
It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body.
I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself.
That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.
Well, I sincerely hope that at least a few of the stories told in this collection are fictitious. After all, I have a dentist appointment next week, and frankly, I wouldn't want to hear any of the things described here... However, if you've also witnessed some weird phrases from your doctors, please feel free to share your stories in the comments below this post.
#16
I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual.
“I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.”
And
“How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg).
#17
Him - Sir you have no ACL I have no idea how you’re walking, or wrestling, or playing basketball… doesn’t it hurt?
Me - mama didn’t raise no b***h
Him - no.. it’s seems not.. but she did raise a smurf
Damnnn I’m not that short.
#18
"Stay here. I have to contact the state health department."
Turns out I had Zica.
Darius S. (he/him) cis/grey 2 months ago
Reminds me of a time I had an eye issue.. The doctor joked with me " Good news is we're naming a disease after you, bad news is we're naming a disease after you" Apparently he'd only read about this issue in college. I healed. Years later I'm caregiving for my father and I'm at his eye doctor.. I mention what happened to me. He absolutely does not believe this. He asks who my doctor was. Turns out they were friends. Next time I came in he said to me... "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you're 'That' guy".
#19
Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it.
He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
#20
“How the hell is there sand in here?”
Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.
#21
"If God wanted us to take pills He would have put a little hole in our stomachs," pokes me in the belly.
This from an endocrinologist who wanted me to stop taking **all** medications for at least a month before she would even think about listening to my concerns or having blood work done. After leaving me waiting in the exam room for nearly two hours.
#22
She said I was a healthy person with lots of medical problems.
Sue User 2 months ago
My work had this thing where if you got a basic exam ( bp, cholestersl, diabetes, etc ) that you would get money off your heslth insurance. They brought doctors in. Doc tells me " you are in excelkent health"." Yeah, for someone who is so sick " I have autoimmune and had just finished a course if chemo.
#23
I got a vasectomy and the female doctor said, "you've got really nice anatomy," and I couldn't believe what she had just said to me. She followed it up with "I just mean your skin (on your s*****m) is really thin..."
Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.
#24
"we think you might have lymphoma, but that's the cancer you want, either we'll cure it or it will just [end] you, no hanging around".
Steve Nelson 2 months ago
When I was diagnosed with lymphoma, the doctor said he had good news and bad news. The bad news was that I had lymphoma. The good news was that I had lymphoma. That was 20 years ago.
#25
To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion)
And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible).
#26
“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.
Major Harris 2 months ago (edited)
i started to have trouble with my tonsils when i was 18. every once in a while would need to take penicilin. flash forward to 1988 and i am serving on the u.s.s. nimitz. we were in home port. went down to sickbay for my tonsils as they were acting up again. the ship's chief surgeon just happened to pass by, asked what was wrong with me. told him, he asked to see them. he immediately told his assistant to make an appointment for me at the local naval hospital for removal. apparently my tonsils were some of the largest he had ever seen.
#27
-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo.
-Eat more Wonder Bread.
#28
Doctor giving me an exam: "You do realize Mr. HoneyBadger that your left testicle hangs lower than the right?"
Me concerned as f**k: "Uhhhh yes....is that something bad?!!"
Doctor: "No not at all. Very common and normal. You can put your pants back on.".
#29
Proctologist inserting camera: let me know when this feels good.
#30
I'm split between (both were female doctors):
"Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?"
or
"Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position".
Would you rather have a doctor that doesn't hold back or a more formal one?
JimSteve 2 months ago
My father is an anaesthetist and (according to him) one of the anaesthetist's favourite things to do is to say something like "Now you need to listen carefully as what I'm about to say is very important" just as they put the patient to sleep.
Virgil Blue 2 months ago
Whatever you do DONT... and they are off to sleep.
Load More Replies... Lost Panda 2 months ago (edited)
Not medical related, but when I did IT in the military hospital I was working on the Radiologists X-Ray viewing station. I glanced up at his wall and was looking at his degrees when I stopped. Me: Colonel, why do you have a degree in Sattelite (fancy name I cannot remember) Doc: Oh, because I'm also a f*****g Rocket Scientist! Me: ... Colonel... did you seriously get that just to be able to say that? Doc: Yes... but it was worth it!
JB 2 months ago
X-ray review pending a scoliosis diagnosis: Oh, that’s interesting, you have an extra vertebrae in your lower spine. Must be why you’re so tall. [I’m 5’1”/155cm].
Winter Eleven 2 months ago
"I'd rather they take my symptoms seriously" option on the poll please 🥺
Darius S. (he/him) cis/grey 2 months ago
I got home from mom's hospital once to find a message on my machine. My mom had apparently changed floors and the nurse's station was trying to find out what meds she was on.. changing floors in the same hospital she had been in for a week. They had reached my sister who was not her caregiver and my sister made a mistake in spelling a med name which turned out to spell another med. They actually gave it to her. Luckily no harm.
Mike Rodrick 2 months ago
Just today I had blood work done before my Dr. appointment. When she saw the bandaid on my arm she said she was glad I finally got it done. I was lax in doing it but I told her I actually didn't & the bandaid was because I had just taken my morning fix of heroin. When I left she told me to eat something & lay off the needles. She's a good doctor & has a great sense of humor.
TheBlueBitterfly 2 months ago
My husband's doctor is hilarious, I love her. My last doctor was cold, unprofessional, rude, and outright insulting. I've been afraid to go back, even though I already said I refuse to ever see her again (there's about 8 doctors at the practice, you can specify if you want to see the same one or just whoever is available.)
IDK_Something 2 months ago
You might ask if they can note your chart to *not* be scheduled for X doctor, or even nurse/tech. A lot of places honor wishes like that.
Load More Replies...
Jordan Croff 2 months ago
After going in for some standard tests the doctor called me up a few days later saying they have some bad news. Expecting to hear the worst I nervously asked what was it. Their reply was that they had lost the results of the tests and that I had to come back in to get retested. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me but I would think a doctor would know better than to start a phone call with a patient that they have "bad news" for something like that lol.
Libstak 2 months ago
Our doctor told my mum to not drink Pepsi Max as it has sugar, she is diabetic. I sad it specifically says it's sugar free and has no more than 2 calories per can. She said as though I must be dumb...it's sweet isn't it? So it definitely has sugar...wtf
arthbach 2 months ago
Libstak, your mum is wrong. However, "The sweet taste of artificial sweeteners triggers cephalic phase insulin release, causing a small rise in insulin levels. Regular use changes the balance of our gut bacteria. This could make our cells resistant to the insulin we produce, leading to both increased blood sugar and insulin levels." https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/artificial-sweeteners-blood-sugar-insulin
Load More Replies...
Lo Kindred 2 months ago
My OBGYN was doing a C-Section on me, and he said, "you're just as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside". Weirdest moment ever!
Roni Stone 2 months ago
Had breast cancer surgery last year and went to my medical oncologist for a follow-up. My surgeon had recommended a tighter sleep bra instead of a cup bra to kind of use as a binder. It had a LOT of hooks in the front. My oncologist saw it and said with a mock shocked face, "Unhand that woman, beast!" This old lady kinda fell in serious like with that young man.
Beak Hookage 2 months ago
I had an ophthalmologist inform me that I don't have many lashes on my left eye. Well okay.
Littlemiss 2 months ago
During an exam for asthma treatment I had a doctor put the peak flow metre in front of his crotch and tell me to blow it as hard as I could. He thought he was hilarious. Funny thing he vanished from that doctors office a few weeks later and I was told he was on 'leave'.
Darius S. (he/him) cis/grey 2 months ago
I have so many stories after 20 years of caregiving, for both parents and best friend, that I can't think of just 1. Also in medical billing . anyhoo...What do you call someone who finished last in medical school? Doctor.
JimSteve 2 months ago
My father is an anaesthetist and (according to him) one of the anaesthetist's favourite things to do is to say something like "Now you need to listen carefully as what I'm about to say is very important" just as they put the patient to sleep.
Virgil Blue 2 months ago
Whatever you do DONT... and they are off to sleep.
Load More Replies... Lost Panda 2 months ago (edited)
Not medical related, but when I did IT in the military hospital I was working on the Radiologists X-Ray viewing station. I glanced up at his wall and was looking at his degrees when I stopped. Me: Colonel, why do you have a degree in Sattelite (fancy name I cannot remember) Doc: Oh, because I'm also a f*****g Rocket Scientist! Me: ... Colonel... did you seriously get that just to be able to say that? Doc: Yes... but it was worth it!
JB 2 months ago
X-ray review pending a scoliosis diagnosis: Oh, that’s interesting, you have an extra vertebrae in your lower spine. Must be why you’re so tall. [I’m 5’1”/155cm].
Winter Eleven 2 months ago
"I'd rather they take my symptoms seriously" option on the poll please 🥺
Darius S. (he/him) cis/grey 2 months ago
I got home from mom's hospital once to find a message on my machine. My mom had apparently changed floors and the nurse's station was trying to find out what meds she was on.. changing floors in the same hospital she had been in for a week. They had reached my sister who was not her caregiver and my sister made a mistake in spelling a med name which turned out to spell another med. They actually gave it to her. Luckily no harm.
Mike Rodrick 2 months ago
Just today I had blood work done before my Dr. appointment. When she saw the bandaid on my arm she said she was glad I finally got it done. I was lax in doing it but I told her I actually didn't & the bandaid was because I had just taken my morning fix of heroin. When I left she told me to eat something & lay off the needles. She's a good doctor & has a great sense of humor.
TheBlueBitterfly 2 months ago
My husband's doctor is hilarious, I love her. My last doctor was cold, unprofessional, rude, and outright insulting. I've been afraid to go back, even though I already said I refuse to ever see her again (there's about 8 doctors at the practice, you can specify if you want to see the same one or just whoever is available.)
IDK_Something 2 months ago
You might ask if they can note your chart to *not* be scheduled for X doctor, or even nurse/tech. A lot of places honor wishes like that.
Load More Replies... Jordan Croff 2 months ago
After going in for some standard tests the doctor called me up a few days later saying they have some bad news. Expecting to hear the worst I nervously asked what was it. Their reply was that they had lost the results of the tests and that I had to come back in to get retested. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me but I would think a doctor would know better than to start a phone call with a patient that they have "bad news" for something like that lol.
Libstak 2 months ago
Our doctor told my mum to not drink Pepsi Max as it has sugar, she is diabetic. I sad it specifically says it's sugar free and has no more than 2 calories per can. She said as though I must be dumb...it's sweet isn't it? So it definitely has sugar...wtf
arthbach 2 months ago
Libstak, your mum is wrong. However, "The sweet taste of artificial sweeteners triggers cephalic phase insulin release, causing a small rise in insulin levels. Regular use changes the balance of our gut bacteria. This could make our cells resistant to the insulin we produce, leading to both increased blood sugar and insulin levels." https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/artificial-sweeteners-blood-sugar-insulin
Load More Replies... Lo Kindred 2 months ago
My OBGYN was doing a C-Section on me, and he said, "you're just as pretty on the inside as you are on the outside". Weirdest moment ever!
Roni Stone 2 months ago
Had breast cancer surgery last year and went to my medical oncologist for a follow-up. My surgeon had recommended a tighter sleep bra instead of a cup bra to kind of use as a binder. It had a LOT of hooks in the front. My oncologist saw it and said with a mock shocked face, "Unhand that woman, beast!" This old lady kinda fell in serious like with that young man.
Beak Hookage 2 months ago
I had an ophthalmologist inform me that I don't have many lashes on my left eye. Well okay.
Littlemiss 2 months ago
During an exam for asthma treatment I had a doctor put the peak flow metre in front of his crotch and tell me to blow it as hard as I could. He thought he was hilarious. Funny thing he vanished from that doctors office a few weeks later and I was told he was on 'leave'.
Darius S. (he/him) cis/grey 2 months ago
I have so many stories after 20 years of caregiving, for both parents and best friend, that I can't think of just 1. Also in medical billing . anyhoo...What do you call someone who finished last in medical school? Doctor.
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