Finding yourself in a family with a step relative has become a reality for many — 1,300 new step and blended households are formed every day in the United States, showing it is one of the fastest-growing family types in the country. However, 75% say they are not getting the resources needed to properly understand their new domestic situation.

So when Redditor Throwaquickadvice faced a family dilemma with her fiancé and his son, she decided to seek advice from the “Am I The A-Hole” (AITA) community. The woman and her partner decided to tie the knot before the end of this year but the joys of planning one of the biggest days of their life got clouded by a troubling conflict that divided the family.

You see, her 17-year-old stepson wondered if he could do a slideshow honoring his late mom at the wedding. “He is the most sensitive and emotional kid I’ve ever met,” the user wrote. However, the woman firmly believes her big day has nothing to do with the teenager’s mom. Feeling unsure of how she handled the situation, she asked people on the internet to help her find a way out of this dispute. Read on for the whole story and let us know what you think of it in the comments.

Navigating your new stepfamily situation is far from an easy task, especially when you’re faced with a void left by a biological mother

Image credits: Asad Photo Maldives (not the actual photo)

So when this woman’s stepson asked if he could do a slideshow honoring his late mom at her wedding, she turned to the internet to ask whether she was wrong to refuse

Image credits: Polina Zimmerman (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Leah Kelley (not the actual photo)

Later on, she added some more information to the story

Image credits: Throwaquickadvice

Seeing a new woman come into your family after losing your mom is anything but easy. At the same time, it’s also daunting to navigate the minefield of parenting and deal with the grieving process of the people you care about. While becoming a stepparent is difficult for almost everyone, it’s impossible to fill the void left by a biological mom. You want to be respectful and avoid trying to take the child’s parent’s place, but you still want to be there for them and show support along the way.

Statista reports that as of 2019, there were nearly 2.4 million children under the age of 18 who were considered stepchildren based on their relationship with the ​​householder in the United States. Finding yourself in a new blended family comes with challenges that vary greatly depending on the type of domestic situation you find yourself in.

To learn more about the difficulties in creating relationships with new family members, we reached out to Dr. Lisa Doodson, a psychologist and author of How to be a Happy Stepmum. She is also the founder of Happy Steps, the UK’s only research-based stepfamily resource center that aims to help families and individuals strengthen their relationships.

“Stepfamilies take a long time to form — much longer than people expect or want, and one of the reasons is role confusion,” Dr. Doodson told Bored Panda. “We know what a mum or dad’s role is, but stepparents and stepchildren is far less clear. The best way to approach this is to talk to your partner about your expectations and understand theirs. If there are differences, then try and find compromises,” she said and added that you might need more time to adapt and feel more confident.

When it comes to grief, everyone handles it differently. Many people online sympathized with the stepson’s and his father’s sorrow but also sided with the woman who found herself in the middle of this transition. “Becoming a stepparent in any situation is hard as there is always a loss (either through separation or death) and family members are grieving for their loss. It also depends on the ages of the children and the time they have had to adjust to their loss,” the psychologist said.

“For someone trying to enter this family dynamic, I’d recommend taking things slowly and finding a place for the parent who died — such as photos or reminders in a specific area of the home (rather than everywhere) and not trying to replace them but slowly finding your own place,” Dr. Doodson suggested.

On top of that, trying to find a way out of a family dispute can make stepparents feel overwhelmed. The psychologist noted we should remember there are always two sides to every disagreement and it’s important to understand why people are behaving the way they are.

“In this situation, I suspect the stepson feels guilty that everyone is moving on without his mum and he wants to find a way of remembering her and reminding everyone how much she was loved.” Dr. Doodson suggested it would be a good idea for the couple to talk to him to explain they recognize his feelings and try to find another way. “Maybe a separate family celebration, inviting close family and friends to celebrate her before their wedding.”

“Disputes are common and normal and everyone finds a way to adapt and change. If you remember to look for the positives rather than focusing on the issues then you should be able to work through the challenges.”

“Stepfamilies are full of complex relationships and emotions. There is often no quick fix but with patience and kindness, you will find the right way for your new family to work and flourish,” Dr. Doodson concluded.

The vast majority of Redditors deemed the user was NTA — “Not The A-Hole” — here’s what they had to say

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