Woman Devastated After Adult Step-Kids Ruin Her Joy Of Gift-Giving, Decides To Step Away
Interview With ExpertBeing a stepparent can feel like trying to join a club you were never invited to—trust isn’t handed out freely, and earning your place takes persistence and care.
Knowing this, one woman on Reddit has made every effort to connect with her husband’s adult children. Thoughtful gifts, special occasions, remembering the little things—you name it. But the heartfelt gestures have been met with silence.
Now, she’s asking the internet if it’s time to stop giving to those who never give back.
The woman has been picking out thoughtful gifts for her stepchildren for years, but she’s rarely gotten a genuine thank you
Image credits: artfotodima (not the actual photo)
Now, she’s asking the internet if it’s time to stop giving to those who never give back
Image credits: Wavebreakmedia (not the actual photo)
Image credits: secondhandparent
Expert advice
Courtney Morgan, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and founder of Counseling Unconditionally, shared her expertise with Bored Panda to explain why it can be so difficult for stepparents to build strong relationships with adult stepchildren.
“It can be challenging for adult children and stepparents to build a close connection for a variety of reasons,” Morgan told us. “One barrier that often exists between adult children and stepparents is protectiveness over the other biological parent. This loyalty towards the other parent creates unintentional distance and hesitancy to fully embrace the stepparent.”
This hesitancy can be amplified by the discomfort that often comes with change. “Change of any sort is hard for most people, and the introduction of a stepparent can cause a massive shift in family dynamics,” she explained. “Adult children may struggle with holding onto the family unit they grew up with and adapting to their new circumstances.”
For the woman involved in this story, Morgan suggested having an open and honest conversation with her stepchildren. “I always encourage people to lead with their emotions and experiences rather than what the other person did,” she noted.
To raise the topic gently, Morgan recommended saying: “I really want to feel closer with you. In the past, I tried to connect by gift giving, and it felt like that didn’t resonate with you. I’d love to spend time together to build our relationship.”
If anything, cutting back on gift-giving and focusing on shared moments might be more meaningful. “I’d advise the woman to reconsider her approach in creating closeness, because some people do not value gifts as much as others, and her stepchildren may prefer alternative ways to connect, such as spending time together or checking in more often,” Morgan said.
Image credits: Prostock-studio (not the actual photo)
Readers agreed her reaction was completely justified and urged her to explain her feelings more clearly to her stepkids
Some, however, thought she could have approached the situation differently
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
I've had a variation of this with my late MIL. I did all the thoughtful cards, gifts, visits. Didn't mind him getting all the thanks, but got really beyond fed up for me only receiving sporadic snidey digs. Informed him he was responsible for all these things for his mother. Long story short, she got no presents, no cards, no calls, no visits, NOTHING. Even I was gobsmacked.
Sounds a horrible man. How is he as a husand, obviously a rubbish son.
Load More Replies...OP's husband should have been straight with the brats from the beginning, but it seems he really enjoyed the positive attention from his monsters. He should have told the offspring over and over again that OP put a lot of thought and effort into the gifts and she should be thanked. He led by example and the results are clear.
YTA at it again. “They aren’t thanking you for choosing, buying, wrapping and delivering a present because it’s their dad’s money. Why are you complaining?
I read the same thing you read. Where does OP state 'I use my husband's money to buy them gifts"? Oh, wait! It doesn't.
Load More Replies...Couldn't imagine doing something like this to my own wonderful stepmum, who has always loved and looked out for us. Poor OP.
It's two years later now, she's still active on Reddit but hasn't updated
Because she figured out that meeting your boyfriend's kids and immediately calling them ~our~ kids was not the flex she thought it was...
Load More Replies...There has to be something else going on here. Where is the bio-mom? Is there some bad mojo there? Do the kids see her as a mother figure, or as a siren who ruined their parents marriage? Just grasping at straws, but it sounds like there's more going on
These aren't children. These are grown àssholes that make their own choices, to be ungrateful àssholes.
Load More Replies...My POS father left my mother for another woman when my sister and I were little kids. He did the same thing three more times. I had multiple stepmoms and stepsiblings. I always tried to be so nice to all of them because I knew what it was like to life with my father, and I felt so bad for them. I never lumped them in with my father, if that makes sense. I liked them for who they were, and they were always very kind to me. I was always able to separate them from my father. It sounds like these "kids" never even gave her a chance. She's her own person, and she's clearly very thoughtful and considerate. Those kids are missing out on a friend. I wish I could have stayed in touch with some of my steps, but my father made sure that would never happen because they didn't want anything to do with any of us by the time they got rid of him. Don't blame them.
Never initiate gift-giving with anybody unless you are GENUINELY ok with not receiving anything back. If you initiate gift-giving or even card-giving with somebody whilst expecting something in return, you are creating an obligation for that person. Not everybody wants that in their life. If you give somebody a gift and don't receive anything in return, that person is simply telling you they don't wish to participate.
Being polite and saying thank you is seen as an obligation these days?? She doesn't even want more than that. That's pitiful🤨
Load More Replies...Both the easiest and hardest thing to do in this situation is bluntly but kindly ask what is going on. It is the easiest because it will resolve it once and for all by getting whatever it is out there, but so hard because confronting people is never easy. It is scary to just do it, but even scarier not knowing what the answer will be. There is more to this story.
People need to tell what should be obvious "I (50 f) been with my husband (52 m)" The world is sick.
My SD as a grown up us saying that I didn't allow her go on vacation with us, conveniently forgetting that it was HER own Mother that would not let her go. We did get to take her to Disneyland once, but she must have enjoyed herself too much and that going on vacation with us was never to happen again.
It’s rude not to thank someone for a gift, even if you don’t like the gift or the giver. But, I can’t help but feel there is more to this. I have had people in my life who have insinuated themselves into creating a mythology of a deeper relationship than I believe we have. These people are usually older (and I’m old!) and have cast me in a role without my consent. I’ve become a substitute for the estranged adult son, the dead gay brother, etc. because I somehow, vaguely fit the part. I’ve never participated in these fantasies but the myths are perpetuated with a stranglehold of unwanted gift-giving. It’s a show of “see how generous we are?! Love us!” At a point, receiving these gifts is awkward because they AND the attention is foreign, unwanted , unsanctioned. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what is happening here. Do I always say “thank you”? Yes! Though it becomes “thank you, but…” and they’d be angry at my lack of effusiveness. Tl;dr: read the room.
Guess husband gets to see if they brag about the gifts that he actually purchases, rather than getting credit for the gifts that wife buys them. His kids are still getting gifts - he just needs to take responsibility
I have questions. Do these kids get their SM gifts at Christmas and her birthday? If not she shouldn't bother with them. They are ungrateful. Maybe they don't like her, never accepted her.
Unpopular opinion, but I think people are missing an important factor. Op says that she has been dating her partner for several years, but they've only been married for a year, and that his kids are in their mid to late 20's. Then she goes on to say that they have never used the word step... these kids would have been teenagers when she started dating their dad - and why would you jump to immediately calling them your kids when you're only dating their dad?? I'm pretty sure that dad's girlfriend referring to you as her child and not her stepchild or her boyfriend's child would get under the skin of almost any teenager. Whether she realizes it or not, she's been alienating these two from jump. And I do wonder in what other ways she has acted as though she is their actual parent - given that the only pushback she's getting is that they don't say thank you to her, but do thank their dad (whose money is paying for those presents) - maybe she needs to look at herself.
The "kids" are doùchebags, yes. But the point of gift giving is to GIVE and not RECEIVE. Yep, it's rude to not express appreciation. But it's also shìtty to give gifts with expectations of getting anything, even a thank you, in return. With OP's mindset, why donate to charity...they never say thank you. Don't hand out anything without yelling at them first, demanding a 'thank you' after the transaction.
Folks, THINK SERIOUSLY before you date, much less marry someone with kids. The stepmother is the most hated trope in all of Western civilization. I personally just would not ever date any single father. I don't have kids, damn sure don't want anyone else's. Know yourself. Play the video ahead and think of the worst step-parent/stepchild interactions possible. Are you willing to put up with that? for life?
I've had a variation of this with my late MIL. I did all the thoughtful cards, gifts, visits. Didn't mind him getting all the thanks, but got really beyond fed up for me only receiving sporadic snidey digs. Informed him he was responsible for all these things for his mother. Long story short, she got no presents, no cards, no calls, no visits, NOTHING. Even I was gobsmacked.
Sounds a horrible man. How is he as a husand, obviously a rubbish son.
Load More Replies...OP's husband should have been straight with the brats from the beginning, but it seems he really enjoyed the positive attention from his monsters. He should have told the offspring over and over again that OP put a lot of thought and effort into the gifts and she should be thanked. He led by example and the results are clear.
YTA at it again. “They aren’t thanking you for choosing, buying, wrapping and delivering a present because it’s their dad’s money. Why are you complaining?
I read the same thing you read. Where does OP state 'I use my husband's money to buy them gifts"? Oh, wait! It doesn't.
Load More Replies...Couldn't imagine doing something like this to my own wonderful stepmum, who has always loved and looked out for us. Poor OP.
It's two years later now, she's still active on Reddit but hasn't updated
Because she figured out that meeting your boyfriend's kids and immediately calling them ~our~ kids was not the flex she thought it was...
Load More Replies...There has to be something else going on here. Where is the bio-mom? Is there some bad mojo there? Do the kids see her as a mother figure, or as a siren who ruined their parents marriage? Just grasping at straws, but it sounds like there's more going on
These aren't children. These are grown àssholes that make their own choices, to be ungrateful àssholes.
Load More Replies...My POS father left my mother for another woman when my sister and I were little kids. He did the same thing three more times. I had multiple stepmoms and stepsiblings. I always tried to be so nice to all of them because I knew what it was like to life with my father, and I felt so bad for them. I never lumped them in with my father, if that makes sense. I liked them for who they were, and they were always very kind to me. I was always able to separate them from my father. It sounds like these "kids" never even gave her a chance. She's her own person, and she's clearly very thoughtful and considerate. Those kids are missing out on a friend. I wish I could have stayed in touch with some of my steps, but my father made sure that would never happen because they didn't want anything to do with any of us by the time they got rid of him. Don't blame them.
Never initiate gift-giving with anybody unless you are GENUINELY ok with not receiving anything back. If you initiate gift-giving or even card-giving with somebody whilst expecting something in return, you are creating an obligation for that person. Not everybody wants that in their life. If you give somebody a gift and don't receive anything in return, that person is simply telling you they don't wish to participate.
Being polite and saying thank you is seen as an obligation these days?? She doesn't even want more than that. That's pitiful🤨
Load More Replies...Both the easiest and hardest thing to do in this situation is bluntly but kindly ask what is going on. It is the easiest because it will resolve it once and for all by getting whatever it is out there, but so hard because confronting people is never easy. It is scary to just do it, but even scarier not knowing what the answer will be. There is more to this story.
People need to tell what should be obvious "I (50 f) been with my husband (52 m)" The world is sick.
My SD as a grown up us saying that I didn't allow her go on vacation with us, conveniently forgetting that it was HER own Mother that would not let her go. We did get to take her to Disneyland once, but she must have enjoyed herself too much and that going on vacation with us was never to happen again.
It’s rude not to thank someone for a gift, even if you don’t like the gift or the giver. But, I can’t help but feel there is more to this. I have had people in my life who have insinuated themselves into creating a mythology of a deeper relationship than I believe we have. These people are usually older (and I’m old!) and have cast me in a role without my consent. I’ve become a substitute for the estranged adult son, the dead gay brother, etc. because I somehow, vaguely fit the part. I’ve never participated in these fantasies but the myths are perpetuated with a stranglehold of unwanted gift-giving. It’s a show of “see how generous we are?! Love us!” At a point, receiving these gifts is awkward because they AND the attention is foreign, unwanted , unsanctioned. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what is happening here. Do I always say “thank you”? Yes! Though it becomes “thank you, but…” and they’d be angry at my lack of effusiveness. Tl;dr: read the room.
Guess husband gets to see if they brag about the gifts that he actually purchases, rather than getting credit for the gifts that wife buys them. His kids are still getting gifts - he just needs to take responsibility
I have questions. Do these kids get their SM gifts at Christmas and her birthday? If not she shouldn't bother with them. They are ungrateful. Maybe they don't like her, never accepted her.
Unpopular opinion, but I think people are missing an important factor. Op says that she has been dating her partner for several years, but they've only been married for a year, and that his kids are in their mid to late 20's. Then she goes on to say that they have never used the word step... these kids would have been teenagers when she started dating their dad - and why would you jump to immediately calling them your kids when you're only dating their dad?? I'm pretty sure that dad's girlfriend referring to you as her child and not her stepchild or her boyfriend's child would get under the skin of almost any teenager. Whether she realizes it or not, she's been alienating these two from jump. And I do wonder in what other ways she has acted as though she is their actual parent - given that the only pushback she's getting is that they don't say thank you to her, but do thank their dad (whose money is paying for those presents) - maybe she needs to look at herself.
The "kids" are doùchebags, yes. But the point of gift giving is to GIVE and not RECEIVE. Yep, it's rude to not express appreciation. But it's also shìtty to give gifts with expectations of getting anything, even a thank you, in return. With OP's mindset, why donate to charity...they never say thank you. Don't hand out anything without yelling at them first, demanding a 'thank you' after the transaction.
Folks, THINK SERIOUSLY before you date, much less marry someone with kids. The stepmother is the most hated trope in all of Western civilization. I personally just would not ever date any single father. I don't have kids, damn sure don't want anyone else's. Know yourself. Play the video ahead and think of the worst step-parent/stepchild interactions possible. Are you willing to put up with that? for life?
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