This guy is living like he's single. You can't do that when you have a family. Leaving dishes in the sink for a couple of days is setting the table and ringing the dinner bell for ants, roaches, and vermin. Once you allow your house to get nasty, it will take a lot of outside help (and a pretty penny) to get it back to being decent. As a SAHD, it isn't too much to keep up with the chores. If it is, then hire a housekeeper and nanny, and go back to work. But don't expect your family to tolerate living in a frat house. You're too old for that.

We're not even dipping the toes into the clean freak territory. As others have said, her cleaning habits are very reasonnable and not that extreme, the dude's a slob.

Of all the things listed, the one that annoys me the most, is not bathing the kids daily. It's not just a matter of being clean or dirty, kids need a fixed schedule, a routine. If not on holidays, kids should have a fixed time for bath, naps, and evening bed time. Or your whole day will be f*****d up. Once you fix their schedule, you'll be able to do more around the house. You're a SAHD, she works full time. She should be able to come home from work and spend some time with her babies, not do the work you were supposed to do.

All the what if the tables were turned comment are ridiculous. Women have been doing these exact chores with children forever and men just expect it. So why not with the man as the stay at home? Why shouldn't she expect to come home to a clean house, clean children, and a nice dinner. If he can't pull his weight yes he should get a job and they should hire help. Also he's only got two kids to deal with that's not unreasonable to manage.

This guy is just dirty, man!

"The divorce came out of nowhere....." 🙄

Everything the wife wants is normal for general cleanliness. Bathrooms should be cleaned once a week. Dishes done daily as bacteria explodes over night. Wash your kids daily or every other day since they are active and do gross stuff. Vaccum once a week too and clange clothes each day - this guy is so disgustingly lazy. Those kids will get sick and that woman comes home to a filthy house every day. My hubby and i work full time and have two kids and this is our cleaning routine too; it really isn't hard - what a useless man.

My mom did all of these while working full-time.

I don't understand why they can't compromise and find a cleanliness level in between. I am SAHM and couldn't keep up her standards if I wanted to have any time to get in some basic self care like time to exercise. He seems a little lax with dishes and mopping especially. The kids getting attention is way more important than being perfect on cleanliness. I remember my mom cleaning all the time and our house was always super tidy but I don't remember her or my Dad ever sitting down to read with me. I remember playing by myself a lot. We're not very close, sadly. Find a balance.

Doing one lot of dishes per day is far easier than the effort of doing several days worth in one go - and the stuff won't be so dried on. Wash up after a meal, it's much easier. Vacuuming and mopping once a week is normal. Pick a day and do it regularly, then you don't have to think about it.

What does a sahm do? Everything he's complaining about. Clean while cooking, that'll cut down on kitchen mess, do they have a dishwasher, use it ffs! Bedding and towels, and general deep cleaning are normally done once a week. Sweeping is usually daily, mopping is at bare minimum weekly, but with kids, almost daily, as would vacuuming with toddlers. Teach the kids to put toys away. It's his job to keep house as well as raise and care for the kids, his wife is a bit over the top, unless he's not showering daily, and with what he's said, I'm sure he's not doing that. Bathe the kids and enjoy bath time with cool toys and bubbles, that's the fun part, teaching cleanliness and making it fun. He is definitely TA. I hope he takes more responsibility for himself and his job as a sahd.

The 'demands' are totally reasonable. They are a base-line level of cleanliness for a home, not some super-high standards. He needs to apologise, and together work out what the most important tasks are for each of them, and how to split the workload fairly. There will be times when a stay at home parent with two little ones will not be able to do all of these things, but I suspect the wife would be happy to contribute to the upkeep of the house if the husband did so as well.

There were some things the husband said that made me think "yeah you need to do that more" then others that made me think the wife is also a bit of a neat freak to put it nicely. Kids don't and shouldn't be bathed daily - adults shouldn't either unless they're stinky/dirty! It's not good for your hair or for your skin.

Gross

"Play along"? Ohhhhh booooooy...

Sounded like a fake post to me, because who does not clean/vacuum floors when there are children playing on them?

Honestly, aside from showering every day before bed, all the things the wife expects are standard cleaning frequencies. Considering most SAHPs do this and more on the daily... yeah he's a slob.

Wife has good points.. If he spends every minute playing and taking care of kids, then never mind a little mess.. But yeah, dishes should be cleaned every day.. With kids, the sink fills up so fast. Vacuuming and cleaning floor every other day or so seems fair.. et cetera. But bathing kids EVERY day?? Not necessary and no dermatologist would recommend that. And why should you shower before using the bed if you are not sweaty or dirty?? I also hate putting away all the toys every night when I know our living room will look exactly the same next day, but normally do it.. keeps me sane and gives me an illusion of a quiet and tidy home. So the wife is maybe 75% right..

Are you a frat house reject because of how dirty you are? If she makes you leave do not let rentals know how filthy you are, they won't rent to you.

Buddy boy... she feels exactly the same way about blowing off the trial living arrangement. Your comment, "I married her," says it all. You're an ásshole.

Nobody mentioned how everything he said are the expected action a woman need to do EVEN when working 80h a week, if husband were working?

Being a stay at home parent, whether man or woman, includes a large portion of the cleaning. Yes, the working parent should help out when home, but after working 40-80 hours weekly, they should not have to come home and do the majority of household chores. She is not asking anything at all unreasonable, but rather very standard expectations of cleanliness. You incorporate the cleaning into your day and even involve the littles to some degree. It's actually really fun for them (as long as you don't make it seem like a horrible thing you are being forced to do) and they learn that chores and responsibilities are a normal part of life.

I have been on both sides of this disagreement. When I was younger I was the clean freak. Everything had to be cleaned every Friday. (nope could not be done any other day ). All furniture pulled out, cleaned under, all laundry done, sheets changed....and on and on. Now that I am old and sick I just can't do it anymore and I am more like him. When I babysit my great grandson he sometimes wears his pj's all day :) My house is pretty much the lived in look. Still frustrates me that I cannot keep it super clean like in the past but at the same time I sometimes regret all the time I wasted cleaning when I should have been playing with the kids when they were little. I got the cleaning idea from my Mom Growing up the house always had to be spotless -- always. Her motto that she passed on to me was "We may be poor but we don't have to be dirty". My wish now is to be able to find a happy medium especially with the kids when little.

So you are a stay at home dad? Do you just laze around eating bon bons while watching soap operas all day? Go out for lunch with the boys and say f**k it to housework?

Yeah, gotta stand with the wife on this one. Clean the floors that the kids play on every three or four days? Wash the dishes without letting them sit in the sink for a couple days? Wash the sheets once a week? If all this is too much for OP to handle, then his wife is right: He's a slob, and should go back to work and hire a housekeeper / nanny.

Weird this time around it's all the NTA replies that are unhinged. SAHMs do actually the majority of the housework, but he won't? Yes, he is TA here, and thankfully most of the replies are just that. Reality check dude, you don't get to whine and complain about the frequency of a clean home and kids. It's a safety hazard to leave dirty dishes in the sink, the sink is about as dirty as the toilet, and should be sanitized weekly, too. Daily stuff: dishes, sweeping, cooking, cleaning the kitchen, teach the kids to help by putting toys, clothes and little things away, that's part of child raising, and as the primary caregiver housework is part and parcel. Weekly stuff is bathroom, vacuuming, dusting, break each down into smaller more manageable pieces and you should be able to keep house and kids safe.

Based on the title alone I was think she had severe OCD but honestly what OP said seems reasonable. I live alone so I'm not really a neat freak like when I was married but then my ex husband was a slob. Also I highly doubt if a SAHM said the same thing her husband would be labeled an AH. If a SAHM was doing what OP was I'd be calling her out too.

This has to be trolling. Everything he complained about is basic hygiene.

This nga nasty.

She's on a hiding to nothing with this person because he thinks basic, functioning adult hygiene is 'helping' and OTT. He's a slob. Those types of people rarely change. He's inherently gross and lazy, happy to just coast through life doing the bare minimum. He'll be a millstone round her neck.

This has got to be rage bait fake right ? No adult person is this nasty. This cannot be real.

What she asked of him is the bare minimum, what the hell does he do all day?

I am just getting iver a major depressive mode ( yay meds and therapy). I couldnt even bath or wash the dishes often. And I *hated* it. It was so gross. This guys standards are so low. And yes, he is stilll thinking he needs to " help". He needs to do the mental load, get organised and get to it.

I think it was poorly conveyed, and his standards could do with raising a bit, but having lived with a partner that was constantly demanding things were cleaned and berating if it wasn't to her standard, I'm with the dad who cares more about spending time with the kids, and prioritises them playing over a tidy house. Happier when they break up I suspect.

I think the NTAs about the reactions being different if he was a SAHM instead of a SAHD really got a point here. It's also pretty common to only bathe a kid 1-3 times a week, it's not that big a deal until they're teens (daily is definitely unnecessary, there are many pediatrician statements on this) so like idk why people are acting like he's a cruel dad for not washing them every day. Do agree the other stuff he could do with raising his standards a little for his wife but I'm a teen slob and honestly don't see any issues with the way he's doing this

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