“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” — Bill Murray

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"If your coffee shop has one of those passive aggressive "no wifi pretend it's the old days" signs, I'm going to smoke in there and pay 50 cents for coffee."

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“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld

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"I found out on Fiverr.com you can buy 1000 likes for $5. The only thing is that the likes come from the Middle East and they have Arabic names. So when I saw that my friend tweeted "Excited for my flight to New York City!"... I immediately spent the best $5 of my life." - Richard Sarvate

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"So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider." - Jeremy Kaplowitz

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"My friends will ask me,"Hey, since you were adopted, would you ever consider adoption?" I'm like, “Yes. Absolutely. If I ever have kids, I want them to go to a good home." - Jamie Ward

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“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” - Demetri Martin

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“My ex and I used to roleplay in the bedroom a lot. Her favorite game was ‘Handsome Librarian!’ Which is where I’m not allowed to talk and she reads a book instead.” — Kill Devil Hills

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"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps. End of list." - Denis Leary

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"When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed… Well, they’re not laughing now!"

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"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” — Chris Rock

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"I'm a first grade teacher. Which is awesome because when I'm in a room full of first graders. I'm by far the coolest person in the room. Because I can usually open a Capri Sun. The kids are in awe of me. They're like, "Mr. Geoff, you can tie your shoes?!?” "Yea", I dabble. "When I'm not counting to one hundred!"" - Geoffrey A.

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"The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. "My thoughts and prays..."Do you know what that's worth? Nothing.
You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, "Don't forget about me today."

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"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone

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“Disney is creating live-action versions of their films, and everyone from my high school is having kids. Unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with are being shown to unnecessary remakes of something I grew up with.” — Nat Baimel

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“Google Earth is amazing. They’ve photographed every road in the world and put them on the computer. You just type it in and you go there. You sit in front of the computer and you think, ‘I can go anywhere in the world. Where shall I go?’ And we all come to the same conclusion: ‘My house.'” - Michael McIntyre’s

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"I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself... So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interesting about yourself."

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"Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I am NOT dead." - Kevin Schwartz

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“Well, if God drinks, do you think God gets stoned once in a while? Just look at the platypus!” — Robin Williams

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"My Uber driver didn't say a word to me during our 45 minute ride. It's truly upsetting they'd employ someone like this without giving me the option of rating him 6 stars." - NatBaimel

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"When I was a kid my parents put me into boxing- which is a great sport to put your kid into. If you think that hitting your kid is wrong, but you still feel like someone should be hitting your kid."

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“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.” - Tommy Cooper

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“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out of Order’ sign, only ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs.’” — Mitch Hedberg

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“Do Transformers get car, or life insurance?” – Russell Howard

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"When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle." - Riki Lindhome

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"You want to know the best part about being a stand up comic with a stutter? For my eight minute slot, I only have to write 45 seconds worth of material."

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“Horror movies with jump scares are like if a comedian went into the audience and tickled everyone. ‘Technically you laughed! I’m funny!’” — Jeremy Kaplowitz

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"In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do. The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself’.” The man shrugged and said, “Not much to say; my wife told me to stand here.” - Oscar Nuñez

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"My friends take fields trips to breweries. They have apps that track the name of the beers they have tried. At this point craft beer is just pokemon for dudes with beards." - Lawrence Rosales

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"My neighbor's house doesn't have any numbers on its door or mailbox. And I just feel like that's something that needs to be addressed."

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“It really doesn’t make you feel safe when you’re walking home at night and some guy’s like, ‘Hey gorgeous, get home safe.’ Felt a little safer before you just said that.”

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"I enjoy doing stand-up, especially now because life is so busy and it's so hectic, and with stand-up, I can just go out and relax, and enjoy the silence." - Steve Martin

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"What would you do if you cracked an egg for breakfast and a mouse came out and then time froze and God came down and said to forget what you saw or else?" "I'd tell everyone, but I'd make it seem like a joke." - James Etchison

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"Just because a woman is nice to you, doesn't mean that she likes you. I found that out the hard way by reading my mother's diary!" - RealDerekMeyers

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“I’m a realist. l ask kids what they want to be if they grow up.” — Nat Baimel

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"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." - Elayne Boosler

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“My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.” — Adam Sandler

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"The day my buddy's daughter was born he said, "I already love
her so much, and I know that I would die for her." I said, "Dude.... you just met her... you always do this""- Mike Speirs

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“When we were kids, my friend and I used to shoplift. Our rule was to only steal from large corporaions. Do you get it? Even as a middle schoolers we had a stronger moral compass than large corporations.” — Ben Rosenfeld

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"Artists, don't let anyone crush your dreams. If you're a real artist, chances are you're self destructive enough to crush them yourself." - Erikka Innes

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"A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” - Emmy Award

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"Abortion is such a divisive issue. Conservatives argue that life begins at conception, while hipsters insist you haven't lived until you try Sriracha on a hot dog." - NatBaimel

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“Aaron is the worst name. It’s the first name in The Baby Name Book. How lazy can your parents be?” — Michael McIntyre

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"I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can't decide what I want and I don't want to be stuck with one I'm just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later." - Margaret Cho

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"I see people getting married to people they've known for like a year and a half. A year and half? Is that really enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them? I mean, I've had sweaters for a year and a half... And I was like, "What was I doing with this sweater!"

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“I’m sick of following my dreams - I’m just going to ask them where they are going and hook up with them later.” - Natasha Leggero

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“I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’
He said: ‘How flexible are you?’
I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.’” — Tommy Cooper

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“If God had written the Bible, the first line should have been ‘It’s round.'” – Eddie Izzard

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“My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson

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“Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones

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“It took Marvel all of 20 seconds to create Wolverine and Deadpool. They’re Canadian right? Give them powers based on healthcare.” — Danish Anwar

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"I haven't slept for 10 days, because that would be too long."

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"I saw an item on the menu that said "Chef's recommendation." What is all the other stuff then? Is the chef just like "I could make it..." "I would NOT recommend it." - Richard Sarvate

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"I just got fired as a mailman. I'm also a part time stand up. I'm funny but have to work on my delivery."

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“I bought a new pair of scissors. But they were in this extremely tight, plastic cover thing. And I realised, the only way to get my new scissors out of the packaging was to get scissors and cut the scissors out with scissors. The thing I needed was staring at me.” — Michael McIntyre

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"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

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“Who’s phoning radio stations to warn of traffic jams? Who in their right mind gets stuck and thinks, ‘Get me the phone, I must warn the others. It’s too late for me…'” - Michael McIntyre’s

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"Someone posted a win online recently. She said a boy in high school chemistry told her she'd never work at NASA and laughed at her. That was the day she decided to become an engineer, and, surprise surprise: she's now a scientist at NASA. That's proof that bullying works." - Sasha Rosser

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“A homeless woman has broken into my parents home 5 times this month. It’s heartbreaking. She visits more than I do.”

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“My father was a night watchman, but he was a victim of technology. He was replaced by a lock.” - Colin Quinn

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"My friend said the other day, “Doing comedy is so brave! What's your secret to keep doing it year after year despite all the failure?” I'm like, “My secret is not being afraid. Not being afraid to borrow money from my mom even though I'm in my 30s.”

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“If I was an Olympic athlete, I’d rather come in last than win the silver medal. You win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, ‘at least I got something.’ But you win that silver, that’s like, ‘Congratulations, you almost won! Of all the losers, you came in first! You’re the number one loser! No one lost ahead of you!’” – Jerry Seinfeld

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“If we were truly created by God, then why do we still occasionally bite the insides of our own mouths?” — Michael McIntyre

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“I wrote a song, but I can’t read music so I don’t know what it is. Every once in a while I’ll be listening to the radio and I say, “I think I might have written that.” - Steven Wright

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"I love the troops. Because if they weren't the troops, I would be the troops. And I would be the worst troops." - Mike Birbiglia

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"My husband is white and I'm black. I love being in an interracial relationship because I teach him about soul food and why Black Lives Matter; and he teaches me about filing taxes and showing up to places on time."

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“My wife is very manipulating. My friends say, ‘Then why’d you marry her?’ ‘Because she is very manipulative!’” — Eric Navarro

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“If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!” - Milton Jones

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“I joined a mom’s group in Los Angeles. Yeah, I don’t find any of these mom's particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead – you just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.” — Ali Wong

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“A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘I’ve hurt my arm in several places.’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more.’” - Tommy Cooper

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“My wife is always trying to get rid of me. Last night she told me to put the garbage out. I told her I already did. She told me to go keep an eye on it.” — Rodney Dangerfield

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“My girlfriend needs 'space.' And this is what space means, guys. It means, ‘I need you to help me break up with you.’’’ - Yannis Pappas

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"When I was 14, my family visited my uncle who lived in Queens. This was early Thursday morning, and my uncle was like, "I have something to show you." I had never heard of Thanksgiving. And my first day in America, he showed me the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. I was like, "This is every day in America! As advertised!" "They have so much money, they have a party for Garfield everyday! Mariah Carey is here!" No other day has lived up to that first day."

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“My wife and I both made a list of five people we could sleep with. She read hers out: ‘One, George Clooney; two, Brad Pitt; three, Justin Timberlake; four, Jake Gyllenhaal; five, Johnny Depp.’ I thought, I’ve got the better deal here: ‘One, your sister…’”- Michael McIntyre’s

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“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.’” — Tim Vine

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“My son’s got two words: car and map, that’s all he can say. ‘Car, car, map, car!’ I’m fairly worried he’s trying to escape. So if the next word is passport, we’re in serious trouble.” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“DIY stands for “you should’ve married someone with more money.” — Ali Wong

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“You learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: ‘Are you my mother? Lovely to put a face to a name.'” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!’ He went insane.” — Carrot Top

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"It is your job, as a parent, to make sure your child has the necessary tools to make their life easier than yours was. My child looks white. My job is done." - Silas Lindenstein

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“Advice to children crossing the street: Damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain’t never killed nobody.” — Moms Mabley

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“If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.” — Jonathan Winters

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"Here's my only thing with "Harry Potter.... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? They're getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures - never heard of the Holocaust." - Kumail Nanjiani

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"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson

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“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most of it unsolved.” — Johnny Carson

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"I used to want to be a skydiver because I thought skydiving was the most extreme sport. Then I found out that only 13 people died last year skydiving, but 1,000 people died from autoerotic asphyxiation - so I guess I'm already a lot more extreme when I thought."

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"For me trying to have just one beer is kinda like trying to fall down just one step of a staircase." - Tommy Gill

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"One good thing about being chubby is I can get most of the wrinkles out of my clothes just by wearing them." - Antonio

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“Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now.” — Ali Wong

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“Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs.” — David Letterman

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"There was a point in time when we were in (Disneyland) where I lost my daughter. But I knew eventually I would run into her again, so I took that time to get on rides she couldn't get on. When I saw her she was crying. I was like, 'It's not your birthday. Today's not about you.'" - Kevin Hart

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"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there's your diamond in the rough." - Larry David

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“I tried therapy once a few years ago. The doctor gave me a CD with his voice speaking calmly to reduce my chances of having anxiety attacks. He told me to listen to it when I started to feel overwhelmed. For $100 a session he prescribed me his mixtape.” — Mike Sicoli

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"I took my parents back to the airport today. They leave tomorrow." - Margaret Smith

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“Why is it that when people say ‘have you got a pen?’ You know you don’t have a pen but you still frisk yourself? You really want to help them as well. You start talking about pens you had. ‘I had a pen! I can see the pen in my mind. If you have come to me earlier you’d be writing right now, I’m so sorry!'” - Michael McIntyre’s

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"I was watching an elderly gentleman buying lottery tickets and I thought to myself... "Ha, this poor fool. What are the chances that's ever gonna work out?" Anyways, this is my 362nd stand-up shot." - Antonio

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“I think I gamble too much. I don’t even use a cell phone case. But when I drop my phone and it doesn’t crack, I feel a rush like I just won 800 dollars.” — Erics Obczak

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"I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy."

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"I'm a nerd. Not like, "I like Star Wars I'm such a nerd." I'm a real nerd. I've been to the Magic the Gathering pro tour... as a fan. - Eric Navarro

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“With kids it’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. But they want to kill you so bad.” — Tina Fey

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“If you text ‘I love you’ and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is. They don’t love you back.’ — Chelsea Peretti

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“I’m good at hello, I’m not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. Every time I say goodbye I sound like an idiot. You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you’re on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation. ‘Of course I’ll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I’ll say a few words… Byeeeeee!’ Why am I doing that?” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?…. none. They’re not really into that sort of thing. If it’s that dark, light a candle.” – Phil Cornwell

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“It’s unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes… this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it’s a level playing field. ‘I don’t care when you arrived, I’m getting on this train’.” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“Gamblers Anonymous: how do they know where to send your winnings?” — Harry Hill

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“If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push ’em closer.” — Lewis Black

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“You don’t get that much fun when you’re an adult, do you? The most fun we get is revolving doors.” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“It’s never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say, ‘I’m from London’ people go, ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?’ ‘Uh… North London.’ If they know it they get more excited. ‘Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?’ ‘Muswell Hill’ ‘Where abouts? Where abouts?!’ ‘Do you know Sainsbury’s?’ ‘Yeeeeeeessssssssss!'” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“You can’t be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. Why doesn’t one person just read it to the carriage?” — Michael McIntyre

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“I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for 'flu'. So I went, and I got it.” - Tommy Cooper

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“There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” — Chelsea Handler

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“People have absolutely no idea how to access water from modern taps. You have lines of people doing tai chi trying to work it out.” - Michael McIntyre’s

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“I went to a stand up about mountain climbing. I was skeptical at first but, I have to admit when the routine reached its peak there was some high level jokes.”

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“My wife, she’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little…” — Lee Mack

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“I remember the last thing my Nan said to me before she died. ‘What are you doing here with that hammer?’” — Lee Mack

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“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’. She said ‘question number 1: have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.'” — Lee Mack

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“Two blind fellows walk into a wall.” — Lee Mack

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“I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque.” — Lee Mack

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“We had a bite to eat around the corner. Horse and Hounds – I won’t be ordering that again.” — Lee Mack

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“I got told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn’t have children. Three weeks after he told me that, my girlfriend was pregnant. Who’s the daddy!” — Lee Mack

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“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.” — Lee Mack

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“I’ve wanted to have a baby for about five years, but she wants one forever.” — Lee Mack

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“My Nan had an amazing way with words. I remember I rang her up when my Granddad had gone in this home – very sad. I said how is he getting on in this home? She said ‘oh he’s like a fish out of water’, I said ‘is he finding it hard to adjust?’ She said ‘no he’s dead’.” — Lee Mack

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