Valentine’s is known in most places as the day to shower your romantic partner with love and attention, be it a fancy dinner or a handmade card (it’s the thought that counts, after all). That’s why it’s rarely celebrated with family members.

But after the unexpected death of his stepdad, this redditor had to choose whether to spend Valentine’s with his girlfriend or his mother. His decision left one of the two quite unhappy and the OP himself wondering if he was a jerk in the situation.

Parents might turn to their adult children for support in difficult times

Image credits: Rawpixel (not the actual photo)

This man had to choose between his girlfriend and his grieving mother to spend Valentine’s with

Image credits: Engin Akyurt (not the actual photo)

Image credits: RDNE Stock project (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Old-Possession2612

Valentine’s Day seems to have several origin stories

Image credits: Secret Garden (not the actual photo)

It’s difficult to pinpoint who exactly started the tradition of spoiling your loved one with chocolates and roses on Valentine’s Day, as there seems to be a few possible origin stories. One of them suggests that it was Charles, the Duke of Orléans, who paved the way for all the romantics that followed by writing his wife a poem from imprisonment, calling her “My very gentle Valentine”, back in the 15th century.

Whether it was Charles or some other romantic who started it all, Valentine’s Day is now one of the most romance-filled times of the year, often accompanied by chocolates, cards, teddy bears, dinner reservations, and lots and lots of roses. According to Statista’s data, roughly half of Americans celebrate it in one way or another (at least in 2023, 52% of them were planning to), often treating their partner to a little something to express their love and appreciation.

Needless to say, that little something differs with each wearer of the rose-tinted glasses as well as their partner; while some people are happy to get a hand-written letter or some flowers, others expect jewelry or gestures of grand proportions.

As a matter of fact, jewelry seems to be quite a popular option, as a couple of years ago, in 2022, consumers in the US were expected to spend roughly six billion dollars on it for the special occasion. However, the most favored Valentine’s Day gift, according to a 2021 survey, was chocolates and other tasty treats, which roughly one third of the survey respondents considered number one on their list.

Many people choose to commemorate Valentine’s Day by getting their loved one a gift of some sort

Image credits: Porapak Apichodilok (not the actual photo)

Statista’s data revealed that not only are half of coupled-up Americans eager to celebrate the most romantic day of the year, they are also quite eager to shop; out of the seven countries participating in Statista’s survey, the US stood first in line, making Americans arguably the biggest Valentine’s Day shoppers out there.

Last year, the average spending on Valentine’s in the US was 193 dollars per person, which is not an insignificant amount, especially if money is tight, as it was in the redditor’s case. That’s why he could only choose one of the two important women in his life to treat to a dinner and a gift on the special occasion; and he chose to prioritize his mother.

The netizen’s decision caused quite a buzz in the comments section, as many redditors believed the mother wanted her son to fill her husband’s shoes in certain ways. But, according to a licensed therapist and best-selling author, Susan Pease Gadoua, a parent making their child the stand-in for the spouse they lost through divorce or death is not unusual.

A parent making their child the stand-in for a spouse is not as uncommon as one might think

Image credits: Anna Shvets (not the actual photo)

“Parents who are using their children to get their emotional needs met may believe that the new arrangement is a good one—they think that everyone benefits. They get their needs met and, as they see it, their children benefit because they will feel useful and loved,” Gadoua wrote in Psychology Today, adding that these parents might not realize that there are more negative than positive impacts of this phenomenon, often referred to as Surrogate Spouse Syndrome.

“Asking a child to play the role of an adult is a heavy burden,” Gadoua pointed out, referring to the cases when the child is not yet an adult. “Rather than augmenting a child’s self-esteem, the constant feeling of futility can lead to lowered self-worth.”

The expert added that expecting a child to pick up certain responsibilities that used to be taken care of by one’s partner can have a negative effect not only on them themselves, but on their future relationships as well.

In the OP’s case, the relationship with his mother clearly affected the relationship with his partner, who was unsurprisingly upset with his decision about who to spend Valentine’s with. Her reaction was likely one of the reasons the OP turned to fellow redditors asking if he was a jerk, but his story evoked varying opinions.

The OP provided more details about the relationship with his mother in the comments

Fellow redditors believed he was a jerk in the situation in regards to his girlfriend

Some people, however, saw where the OP was coming from

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