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“Doesn’t Make Sense”: 40 Social Etiquette Rules That People Want To See Gone
Interview With ExpertThere are certain unspoken rules we have to adhere to when we're socializing with other people. Say "Hello" and "Goodbye." Don't curse. Give up your seat for the elderly on public transport. These things are part of having good manners. However, the role that manners play in our world seems to be diminishing.
A 2023 report by King's College London reveals that children having good manners is not a top priority for parents. Only 52% of respondents said that obedience and good manners are very important qualities for kids. That's in stark contrast to 1990 when 76% of adults in the U.S. said that it's a characteristic of good children.
Sometimes etiquette rules just don't make sense, so why adhere to them? This netizen had a similar idea when they decided to ask: "What's a common social etiquette rule you just don’t agree with?" The thread started some heated discussions over whether we really should respect our elders and whether it's okay to tell someone they have food bits in their mouth.
Bored Panda spoke about etiquette with the Golden Rules Gal Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette expert with 23 years of experience. She told us more about how etiquette rules have evolved throughout the years, how to respond to people who claim that one or another etiquette rule doesn't make sense, and what new etiquette rule she would enact herself. Read her expert insights below!
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Being "fashionably late". The party is at 7, why is everyone showing up at 8-9? I find it so rude.
Hear me out: people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to your time. Obviously, I do not mean emergencies, but you get my gist.
EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes and comments, it doesn’t make me feel so alone in my thoughts ❤️.
The reason you send a text, instead of calling, is that the recipient can answer in his or her own time.
‘The customer is always right’. Absolutely not.
the full quote is actually the customer is always right in matters of taste meaning if they wanna buy an ugly hat let them. They left out the last bit so they can get their way
Certified etiquette expert and author of A Traveler's Passport to Etiquette Lisa Mirza Grotts tells Bored Panda that the most recent event that influenced the way we view good manners is the COVID-19 pandemic. "The pandemic of 2020 rocked our world," she says.
"Traditional rules as we once knew them flew out the window: a handshake became a weapon and 'don't stand so close to me' was more than just lyrics in a song. The rules of etiquette are ever evolving [because of] societal changes. Further, the World Wide Web played a big role in the new rules of communication."
Talling on speakerphone loudly no matter where the f**k you are. It's so common I genuinely notice people that are actually using their phones built in speaker and not using the f*****g speakerphone.
"Respect your elders." Sorry, a lot of my elders are unrespectable.
You get my respect on first contact. After that it's yours to lose, no generational distinction.
Having kids hug/embrace every single person even though they don't know them at social family gathering.
My nieces and nephews always give me a hug. But it's coz they want to not coz I want them to
The etiquette expert agrees that not all social etiquette rules need to be here forever. But the foundational ones still (and should for a long time) remain the same. "Many rules evolve and change, but traditional rules are here to stay."
"Social niceties such as saying 'Please,' 'May I,' and 'Thank you'. The correct way [to] set a table, sending thank you notes, etc. Some rules that could [be] updated depending on the audience: workplace etiquette with our reverse commute and styles of dress appear to be less strict."
I’m gonna get downvoted for this but I dislike that it’s become socially acceptable to wear your pajamas in public. I get you want to be comfortable, but put on a t shirt and jeans or shorts or something.
Meh, the only reason they're pjs is because that's what we call them - they're still simply clothes. It's like food - it's only 'breakfast' food because that's what we call it - doesn't mean you can't have an omelet for dinner or leftovers for breaky.
Tipping in 95% of situations. Just doing your job should not require a tip. Businesses should pay more and not put it on the customers. I always tip 25% or more because it's not the workers' fault that companies are awful but it just rubs me the wrong way.
Tips were originally for exceptional service, where they performed much better than you expected. No idea how America got to tips are normal and not tipping is an insult.
I despise that it's more socially acceptable to BE an a*****e than it is to call someone out for being an a*****e. It's like when someone's being publicly rude, people would rather just ignore it and look the other way than say "Hey buddy you're being a d**k to everyone around you, knock it the hell off".
I would call out more people if I hadn't the fear to be attacked by some of them.... It's so sad that grown people have to fear to be beaten up by even kids... There was once a ten year old in the train, flicking a knife against the seat...I just avoided the entire waggon... And felt shame that I didn't felt able to talk to the kid (edit: a word I don't know what it meant)
This Reddit thread was full of people displeased with one or another etiquette rule. We asked Lisa Mirza Grotts how one should respond when someone calls them out on an outdated social rule. "In life, 'agree to disagree' is a learned skill."
"When you take into account politics and religion, which at the current moment are on steroids, it's no wonder that people are scared to speak up and put a fresh coat of paint on their opinions," the etiquette expert notes. "There's nothing wrong with having an opinion even when it's different than someone else's. The difference is your response."
Putting cutlery at the beginning of buffet tables. I do not know which utensils I need until I am done selecting all of my food and they are awkward to carry while filling my plate with said food. It belongs at the end and I die on this hill.
No, John, I'm not spending the first ten minutes of the meeting discussing everyone's weekend plans. Let's just get down to business so we can end the meeting ASAP.
Instead of arguing, which probably won't do any good anyway, Lisa Mirza Grotts recommends this response: "I feel that etiquette is about mutual respect and making sure everyone feels comfortable no matter the social setting." It also echoes her business tagline: “You can have everything in the world, but what matters most is your behavior and how you treat other people."
I have NEVER understood why people are afraid to tell someone else they have food in their teeth or something on their face. I’m going to be more embarrassed if I get home and see the lipstick on my teeth. AND I’m going to be annoyed with you for not mentioning it!
In general, if there is something wrong and you can correct it on the spot, you can tell a person what's wrong. If it's something you can't do anything about at that moment, you don't tell them because what you do is making people self-conscious the whole time until the time they can correct whatever is wrong.
Turning down something when you actually want it because it’s “polite.”
This happened to me a lot when I was a kid but every once in a while as an adult this weird social thing will happen.
Person: Would you like something to drink?
Me: Yes, please. Thank you.
Person: *shocked Pikachu face* Oh, I was just being polite.
Me: Were you, Vicki? Because that seems rude to me.
Men always ask women out, if a woman does it it makes her look desperate, do away with this social etiquette and let whoever has feelings for whomever make the first move regardless of gender.
We also asked the Golden Rules Gal what new etiquette rule she would make a must for all people. "I would say not so much about new etiquette rules, but in front of every rule, I would add the word 'mindful,' as in 'mindful behavior,'" the etiquette expert tells us. "The practice of being aware and paying attention to the feelings of others [and] our surroundings, and without judgment. Wouldn't that be nice!"
Giving up airplane seats so people can sit together. If I’m not being upgraded to a better seat, I’m not moving.
Talking about money.
F*****g discuss your wages, especially with your coworkers. It’s how you figure out if you’re being taken advantage of by your management, and it helps you put into perspective how other people in your field are doing and how you can improve your own income.
Waiting for people to take photos before walking through. It was polite in the 80s when people took one photo per day, but these days you'd never get anywhere in a tourist city if you waited. It's not reasonable to hold up a pavement while you take 17 photos for your Instagram. I'm going through.
Not taking the last piece of food on a sharing platter. The number of times I’ve seen a perfectly good piece of garlic bread go cold and get thrown away….
Going out for a birthday or occasion with a bunch of people or even just a few friends and having to split the bill evenly . I don’t mind it if it’s a few dollar difference, but often times I’ll get something cheaper on the menu and maybe one drink whereas others are ordering steaks and 4 drinks and I owe $100 or more. Whenever it’s the opposite and I order the more expensive things, I always make sure to tell people to just pay for what they owe. I wish others had the same decency.
Being on time is late. No, being late is being late. I’m not giving anyone more of my time then I need to.
People, usually men, mistaking the notion of a firm handshake to mean squeezing the f**k out of your hand.
Forcing kids to share their brand new gifts at a birthday party. naw. keep those doodoo-butter fingers off the new merchandise unless junior graciously permits you to play with it.
We always have the kids of the family unwrap their gifts and look at them in their boxes. We don't take the toys out and play with them until we're home/everyone leaves. Helps a lot because the children can look at the toys but not access them and fight over them. Also helps keep the toy and it's attachments all together till they can be lost at our own house lol
You can be blunt and be honest without being rude, sometimes it's the best thing to do.
yeah, but for the majority of the cases, I think that "brutal honesty" is a misunderstood concept. The same message can be conveyed in a number of different ways, and in many cases the brutal one isn't the best way, and don't try to hide you being an A$$ as just being honest. You can be honest in a gentle way, so try to give it just a moments thought about how receiving your message will feel, and ask yourself if you can do something to make that experience a bit more pleasant. I lot of hard truths can be said without ruining your relationships, if you choose your words wisely.
Having people in the service industry smile ask about your day. It's all completely insincere and exhausting and not just to the poor worker. I don't want to have to smile and lie to a stranger. I just want to buy my s**t and go.
It sometimes gets pushed way too f*****g far. There's a popular coffee kiosk chain where I live where the baristas are all forced to chat while you wait for them to make the coffee, and it takes a while so, the "how are you/fine" exchange doesn't fill enough time. They ask about favorite movies and "if you had a super power" and anything to just keep this pointless unwanted conversation going. Just... just stop. All I want is coffee. I don't want to think of what my favorite tree is, and you don't care. This isn't a conversation, this is chore.
It's exhausting.
well if you are a regular customer (at least here - italy) is common to do small talk expecially if the shop is small
Yes, but that is something that evolves naturally (at least usually) and I would guess is more sincere. This sounds like they get a script/instructions from headquarters to do this.
Load More Replies...That would make me actively avoid patronising that coffee shop
I love this use of "patronising" (I appreciate that it's the correct way!): it just makes me think of someone going in and being like "Oh, so you're a *coffee* shop? That's like so amazing. I reallllllly love what you're doing to make the world a better place with caffeine!"
Load More Replies...I was once asked how my day was going at 2:30 AM in a 24 hour pharmacy. I was buying antacids.
Well, I hope it went a bit better once you left the pharmacy :)
Load More Replies...I would never work somewhere that required this. I have worked in retail before but I was dreadful at it because I'm a misanthrope at heart. Much prefer the Viennese coffee house approach of absolute disdain. At least you know they're not putting it on!
This is why I love the cold unfriendly service in a lot of British shops. Nobody wants to force small talk with a stranger they'll never see again
I went to one restaurant lounge when they brought karaoke back after a long hiatus. We sat in the dining area, because my daughter can't handle being too close to the speakers. (It's a small area for that kind of thing. Not even a stage.) Anyways, the waitress came to our table what seemed like every 30 seconds asking if we were good, if I wanted water, then trying to chat with us about what sort of occasion we were there for, if we sang. We left earlier than we wanted as we felt invaded and rushed. I did my last song and right after the waitress came back asking if I had gone up to sing at all. So, clearly, she wasn't paying attention. I gave no tip. I have a mic at home if I want to do some singing.
I feel like this at the hairdresser, it's like the only me time I get and it's filled with pointless chatter.
At least being deaf gets me out of that one. I take my hearing aids out when I'm in the chair, so good luck making small talk!
Load More Replies...Yeah that chatting thing is way too far. When I work the register I just smile and say hi, and then let the customeread. Sometimes customers talk too much too, lol.
I work at Chick Fil A and if we are at window and the guest (customer) has to wait a little longer for their food, then it's better to do this then just awkwardly leaving the window open and looking back at your coworkers waiting for the guest's food
Oh yeah. Part of the reason I got fired from Subway is that I'm terrible at this kind of "conversation". Like I am trying to learn how to make sandwiches, I will not even think to ask strangers how their weekend was.
Try the reply "Not good ! Just found out I have herpes AND terminal cancer !" That usually shuts the have a nice day brigade down. Alternatively, "I stabbed a barista last week and they just told me that the twat is pressing charges !"
I was reprimanded from the boss of a group of clients that I have to ease them in to technical talks by doing smalltalk... other clients told me they looove that I come right to the point. Sure let me talk to you for 100€/h about the weather and your feelings...not.
I hate this stuff, and it’s worse in the us than it was in the uk. Both as a customer and a retail worker, I hate the performance and the expectation to perform. Why do we do it
As David Mitchell says, retail work is terrible, so a retail worker who smiles at you is either a liar or a moron.
Dunno ... I think you can tell if it's a (semi)sincere question or a phrase.
When I worked at starbucks, I was expected to know every (and I mean EVERY) regulars name. Awww F no.
I fond it unsettling when I travel to countries that front of house staff do this! I'm quite content at my local coffee shop where Deirdre who hates her life slaps my coffee down on front of me!
Sometimes the employees are chatty because they want to break up the monotony of their own workday. But yeah, being forced to do it would really suck.
Maybe there should be a way to hold your receipt or something else in a particular way, so the baristas know who to chat to and who to leave alone
At checkout, some clerks ask, "did you find everything?" I'm tempted to respond with "how would I know what I missed?" But I don't.
You'd know because...you knew what you wanted to buy when you went into the shop. Yes? Granted, if you're in a bookshop you might go in just to see if anything takes your fancy. But if you find yourself wandering into Superdrug without knowing if you're looking for shampoo or nail varnish remover, then I strongly recommend you get your s**t together.
Load More Replies...I generally point at my hearing aids & disengage from the chat as if I can't hear what they are saying. It's a useful excuse 😂
How saying you don’t want to hang out with someone is considered rude. Instead society expects you to come up with a good reason, as if saying “I’m an introvert and I like having my alone time. Maybe we can hang out some other time.” Isn’t good enough.
Smoke breaks
You mean to tell me by smoking you get an extra hour a day to do whatever you want?!
Sending thank you notes to people who attended your loved one’s funeral. You already have enough on your plate, plus you’re grieving. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Editing to add that I am in the US, in Michigan specifically.
I'm a big fan of the Irish goodbye.
For those unfamiliar with it, the Irish Goodbye is a term used for leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.
I sat on a chocolate covered cherry at a picnic while wearing white shorts. Did anyone tell me at the time, including boyfriend. No. It just looked like a s**t myself and had a blowout period.
How did I get to my age and not know chocolate covered cherries are a thing
As a teacher, the “don’t talk back” gets me. It’s a problem if it is rude, but I don’t automatically assume a response is disrespect.
Oh especially when it happens after you are asked a rethorical question like "What were you thinking?" (which really means, what you did was highly unreasonable) Cutting people off, without giving them a chance to justify their actions, or let you gain a better understanding for what lead to the situation, is just pure gaslighting, as you dismiss the way they think and feel. In general, don't ask questions if you don't want answers, and investigate what is going on before you pass your judgement. Otherwise you may very well end up looking like the fool, when you think that things happened one way, but it was actually something completely different that was going on.
Men and women having different standards when it comes to being topless in public.
People getting pissy if you don’t open their gift right in front of them at the party.
People bringing gifts even if the invite specifically said “NO GIFTS”.
Obligatory gift giving in general.
Kiss on the cheek was a common greeting where I live. Thankfully covid brought an end to that.
Saying goodbye to everyone when I’m ready to leave.
Nope.
I’m simply gonna ✨f**koff ✨ in silence.
I kind of wish you could just dip out of boring conversations you may be trapped in.
When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it, and you need to keep offering it to them until it's socially acceptable for them to take it.
After the first no, I take the hint and don't ask again...then they get pïssed because I didn't push the issue. Nah, I don't play games. If you want it, say yes the first time.
Don't know if it's a universal thing, but at every place I or my parents worked at, there was this weird rule to bring some food with you if you have your birthday on a workday. Luckily my birthday didn't land at a workday for the past two years, but I still just don't like that at all. I'm not going to work at that day to celebrate, and my coworkers aren't my friends. I would even prefer if nobody at my workplace knew when I have my birthday, but my boss literally writes it down for every employee to make sure we all know each other's birthdays.
I just wanna go there, do my f*****g job like any other day, and then go back home to enjoy my day with friends and family.
Forcing conversation when faced with a moment of silence.
I think it's especially odd that it's fine to have comfortable silence between friends, but with someone you don't know you're supposed to continuously talk
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These were mostly terrible. People complaining they have to treat others with minimal levels of consideration and not just like obstacles to pass by.
Very few of these are etiquette rules, more just people complaining about others being rude. It's not "disagreeing" with a social etiquette rule to say you don't like people using cell phones on speaker.
I grew up with parents that forbade me to get angry or attempt to defend myself. Adults expect respect from children but God forbid a child should expect respect from an adult. My daughter grew up expressing her anger in appropriate ways and having her say. I made a huge effort to never cut her off or snap at her without knowing the whole situation. I spoke to her as I expected her to speak to me. We had some rough times and I made some huge mistakes, but she never doubted my love and respect for her. She was an easy teenager and wonderful adult and we are incredibly close.
I can't stand it when customer service reps begin every sentence with an apology of some sort. It's so fake and condescending and after the 5th or 6th apology (same issue) I want to pull out my hair. I'm also getting annoyed with people constantly apologizing or trying to justify their words or actions especially on things like not giving up their paid seat on a flight.
It's often a scripted response. The "powers that be" want to come across as if they were genuinely apologetic for whatever bad experience the customer has brought to the reps.
Load More Replies...How many of these were double entries? I think the person writing up this post needed to do a much better job editing!
Wishing the parents or spouse of the person who's birthday it is a happy birthday. I don't get it and I refuse to participate.
That's a thing? Perhaps it's regional; I've never come across that situation.
Load More Replies...In England, we would say How d' do? and the response is How d' do? I moved to Canada, and this was mistaken, I asked, and everyone replied "Fine" and then a year or two later "Good." I now ask "How's it going?"
Surely you (pronoun) aren't suggesting that we (pronoun) should stop using them (pronoun) in our (pronoun) everyday speech? I (pronoun) think everyone (pronoun) would get confused quickly if we (pronoun) did.
Load More Replies...Opening doors for women. I’ll open or hold doors for anyone if convenient or if someone is disabled, but opening doors for women seems demeaning.
Maybe if your thought process is that you own the woman or the woman is too weak /fragile / delicate to open the door on her own. In today's world I doubt that that's most people's thought process. The disabled person might be able to open the door on their own door and are offended that would assume that they aren't able to do even that for themselves.
Load More Replies...I have far more problems with entitled arseholes thinking they can do what they please in the over-50 demographic than the under-30. It's not a generational thing, it's a di*khead thing.
Load More Replies...These were mostly terrible. People complaining they have to treat others with minimal levels of consideration and not just like obstacles to pass by.
Very few of these are etiquette rules, more just people complaining about others being rude. It's not "disagreeing" with a social etiquette rule to say you don't like people using cell phones on speaker.
I grew up with parents that forbade me to get angry or attempt to defend myself. Adults expect respect from children but God forbid a child should expect respect from an adult. My daughter grew up expressing her anger in appropriate ways and having her say. I made a huge effort to never cut her off or snap at her without knowing the whole situation. I spoke to her as I expected her to speak to me. We had some rough times and I made some huge mistakes, but she never doubted my love and respect for her. She was an easy teenager and wonderful adult and we are incredibly close.
I can't stand it when customer service reps begin every sentence with an apology of some sort. It's so fake and condescending and after the 5th or 6th apology (same issue) I want to pull out my hair. I'm also getting annoyed with people constantly apologizing or trying to justify their words or actions especially on things like not giving up their paid seat on a flight.
It's often a scripted response. The "powers that be" want to come across as if they were genuinely apologetic for whatever bad experience the customer has brought to the reps.
Load More Replies...How many of these were double entries? I think the person writing up this post needed to do a much better job editing!
Wishing the parents or spouse of the person who's birthday it is a happy birthday. I don't get it and I refuse to participate.
That's a thing? Perhaps it's regional; I've never come across that situation.
Load More Replies...In England, we would say How d' do? and the response is How d' do? I moved to Canada, and this was mistaken, I asked, and everyone replied "Fine" and then a year or two later "Good." I now ask "How's it going?"
Surely you (pronoun) aren't suggesting that we (pronoun) should stop using them (pronoun) in our (pronoun) everyday speech? I (pronoun) think everyone (pronoun) would get confused quickly if we (pronoun) did.
Load More Replies...Opening doors for women. I’ll open or hold doors for anyone if convenient or if someone is disabled, but opening doors for women seems demeaning.
Maybe if your thought process is that you own the woman or the woman is too weak /fragile / delicate to open the door on her own. In today's world I doubt that that's most people's thought process. The disabled person might be able to open the door on their own door and are offended that would assume that they aren't able to do even that for themselves.
Load More Replies...I have far more problems with entitled arseholes thinking they can do what they please in the over-50 demographic than the under-30. It's not a generational thing, it's a di*khead thing.
Load More Replies...