“Doesn’t Make Sense”: 40 Social Etiquette Rules That People Want To See Gone
Interview With Expert
There are certain unspoken rules we have to adhere to when we're socializing with other people. Say "Hello" and "Goodbye." Don't curse. Give up your seat for the elderly on public transport. These things are part of having good manners. However, the role that manners play in our world seems to be diminishing.
A 2023 report by King's College London reveals that children having good manners is not a top priority for parents. Only 52% of respondents said that obedience and good manners are very important qualities for kids. That's in stark contrast to 1990 when 76% of adults in the U.S. said that it's a characteristic of good children.
Sometimes etiquette rules just don't make sense, so why adhere to them? This netizen had a similar idea when they decided to ask: "What's a common social etiquette rule you just don’t agree with?" The thread started some heated discussions over whether we really should respect our elders and whether it's okay to tell someone they have food bits in their mouth.
Bored Panda spoke about etiquette with the Golden Rules Gal Lisa Mirza Grotts, an etiquette expert with 23 years of experience. She told us more about how etiquette rules have evolved throughout the years, how to respond to people who claim that one or another etiquette rule doesn't make sense, and what new etiquette rule she would enact herself. Read her expert insights below!
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Being "fashionably late". The party is at 7, why is everyone showing up at 8-9? I find it so rude.
Hear me out: people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to your time. Obviously, I do not mean emergencies, but you get my gist.
EDIT: Thank you all for the upvotes and comments, it doesn’t make me feel so alone in my thoughts ❤️.
The reason you send a text, instead of calling, is that the recipient can answer in his or her own time.
‘The customer is always right’. Absolutely not.
the full quote is actually the customer is always right in matters of taste meaning if they wanna buy an ugly hat let them. They left out the last bit so they can get their way
Certified etiquette expert and author of A Traveler's Passport to Etiquette Lisa Mirza Grotts tells Bored Panda that the most recent event that influenced the way we view good manners is the COVID-19 pandemic. "The pandemic of 2020 rocked our world," she says.
"Traditional rules as we once knew them flew out the window: a handshake became a weapon and 'don't stand so close to me' was more than just lyrics in a song. The rules of etiquette are ever evolving [because of] societal changes. Further, the World Wide Web played a big role in the new rules of communication."
Talling on speakerphone loudly no matter where the f**k you are. It's so common I genuinely notice people that are actually using their phones built in speaker and not using the f*****g speakerphone.
"Respect your elders." Sorry, a lot of my elders are unrespectable.
You get my respect on first contact. After that it's yours to lose, no generational distinction.
Having kids hug/embrace every single person even though they don't know them at social family gathering.
My nieces and nephews always give me a hug. But it's coz they want to not coz I want them to
The etiquette expert agrees that not all social etiquette rules need to be here forever. But the foundational ones still (and should for a long time) remain the same. "Many rules evolve and change, but traditional rules are here to stay."
"Social niceties such as saying 'Please,' 'May I,' and 'Thank you'. The correct way [to] set a table, sending thank you notes, etc. Some rules that could [be] updated depending on the audience: workplace etiquette with our reverse commute and styles of dress appear to be less strict."
I’m gonna get downvoted for this but I dislike that it’s become socially acceptable to wear your pajamas in public. I get you want to be comfortable, but put on a t shirt and jeans or shorts or something.
Meh, the only reason they're pjs is because that's what we call them - they're still simply clothes. It's like food - it's only 'breakfast' food because that's what we call it - doesn't mean you can't have an omelet for dinner or leftovers for breaky.
I have casual trousers that are similar to pyjama bottoms, apart from the fabric…where do you draw the line?
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This one's dumb. I don't wear pj's in public but if someone wants to, who f*****g cares?!
Nah, people are allowed to have bad days and still go out in public. Maybe they just got dumped and need to go buy some ice cream and chips. Leave them be.
As an autistic with severe sensory overload - I appreciate that we finally can wear whatever we want and jeans should be banned as torture device. I mean, I wouldn't go out in PJs bc I'd be too afraid to draw attention, but tee and leggins isabsolutely fine and I sleep in them sometimes so maybe it is a PJ then?
Mate, I'm sorry you have sensory issues, but that doesn't mean jeans should be banned.
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I started wearing my cute and fuzzy pajama pants out to the store during winter. 1) Because they are much warmer then denim and most other materials. 2) Once I started Chemo one of the side effects has been ultra sensitive skin. Some days it can feel like someone using a Brillo pad on sunburned skin. 3) When I go into see my Oncologist 75% of the patients there for Chemo or Radiation would be in some type of lounge clothes or "pajamas" because if you're sitting there for HOURS comfort is all that matters. 4) I spent almost 7 years with a shaved or bald head and have been poked, stuck, scanned and have literally had my insides on the outside of my body during multiple surgeries. I have lost all modesty and have zero f***s left to give on what ANYBODY thinks of me including my family. 5) I've come dangerously close to dying multiple times in the last 7 years, so caring about what a stranger thinks of me isn't even on my priority list.
You, my friend, have every right to wear whatever you want! Sending you all the best.
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There are a number of reasons that someone might where "pajamas" in public, from health or comfort, to poverty. It's none of my business. Aesthetically, I may have certain viewing preferences, but those are my issues and I try not to make them uncomfortable. Plus, I can easily avert my eyes if I wish.
Nah this one is dumb. "Oh no the people are being comfortable!! Thou must don a different cloth or weave if thou art to stroll from thine dwelling!" F**k off. Pj's rule.
I snort laughed and woke up my grumpy old cat that was asleep and is currently attached to my side like a barnacle.
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Eh, I think it depends on the situation personally. Not something I would flip out about unless it was a professional or formal setting.
I live in the south of England and there's a primary school about a mile from me where a lot of mothers wear dressing gowns and slippers whilst smoking cigarettes to drop off their offspring. They block the road with their car that they abandon to walk their kid to the school gate and if you say anything you get profanities hurled at you. I'm not saying there's any correlation between the clothing and the person but they seem to go hand in hand, in my area at least. :-D
This person sounds like my mom. It's waste of time, energy and head space to worry about what other people are wearing. If you want to dress up all sparkly and "polished" (bleh. I hate using that word for appearance.) then go ahead. If someone else wants to go out looking like a stay-at-home mom who just woke up 30 minutes ago but had to go on a school run, then that's what they want to dress as.
It is the other way round for me. I would never ever leave the house in sleeping clothes. No. Whenever I get Up in the morning and leave my bedroom, I change into daytime clothes. I need to seperate sleep time and wake time.
If the OP wants to be comfortable, they should stop fretting about what other people wear.
Life must be really unenjoyable when you're that bothered by the choices of others that have literally zero impact on your life whatsoever.
Not sure how what someone else is wearing affects others so much. If people just minded their own business and stayed in their own lane they’d be a lot less misery going around
Put on sweatpants. If they have a fly and button, they're pajamas. Leave them at home and be a responsible adult.
My flannel PJ bottoms have elastic & a drawstring. Would you be OK with me wearing those in public since they meet your definition of "sweatpants"? Why or why not?
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who the hell cares? if its comfortable, and not basically just underwear, its fine. get over it.
Well, imho it doesn't matter, depending on type. If that's a problem just look away.
It's surprisingly easy to look the other way if you don't like what someone's wearing.
From a hygiene point of view, you shouldn't be wearing your slippers outside, because then you're tracking all sorts of dirt inside. Same with wearing PJ's out where they'll get grimy, then wearing them to bed. Other than that, if you want to look like a scruff, go ahead, you're not harming anyone!
When people wear a sports bra as a top but some are not allowed to go shirtless?!
I mean, personally, I don't wear pajamas into a store unless it's just like, the gas station or occasionally Walmart (where I fit in quite nicely lol). And I'll admit I let these c-cups go off leash and don't wear a bra sometimes (but only with a dark shirt). But I usually won't go anywhere else in my pajamas. Except maybe my sister's, lol, cause we don't give a dàmn. Even so, I still dress for comfort, not style. And I don't give a dàmn what anyone else thinks, OR what anyone else wears. I see kids at my job (fast food) come in in pj pants all the time. Doesn't bother me. As long as all your bits and bobbins are covered (because that's only proper, ofc), I don't care what you cover them with, lol.
Ugh. I hate seeing some slob out in public in flannel pants (obviously pj's). I've seen people not only wearing them, but slippers - and one time in an actual bathrobe. Get some self respect!
If you're covered, it's shouldn't bother anyone. Some clothing is more embarrassing in my opinion.
I agree. I don't get it when people wear pajamas and gowns in public. Its reserved for home and hospital. Really
Clothes are social signalling, so you're going to get assessed by what your clothing choices say. Wear your pajamas. Wear your sweatpants. Wear your military camo. Wear your tight suit and trainers or your sagged jeans or whatever else. Wear whatever you want. Just know that you're communicating with everyone around you with whatever you wear. That's not an "ought", it's just how clothing works, and thinking that you're only wearing it to be comfortable won't take away the fact that you're communicating, and the message may not be one you like. I guess there may be a few saintly types who never make judgements based on clothes but it's basically not a thing you can avoid.
For better or worse, some societies are past how you present yourself in public.
Like wearing slippers everywhere. Put some REAL shoes on. What if you have to run?
Kids wear bedroom shoes as well to school, like the big, animal-themed ones or whatever.
In fact, both the word "pyjama/pajama" and the pants style originally come from India. In India, pajamas are NOT bed wear. They are regular go about your business in public every day wear.
I totally agree. People who wear pyjamas, do their make up or it stinky food have no respect for public space. It's not your bloody living room. We have unwritten rules to make society comfortable for the majority.
Please explain how someone wearing pajama bottoms makes things "uncomfortable" for the majority. As I alluded to in my comment above, If you're so sensitive that someone wearing comfortable clothes in public affects you in some negative way, perhaps it's you who should stay home.
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I agree with this! You don't have to dress to the nines to go out but for goodness sake... there should be a difference between inside clothes and outside clothes. And stop wearing slippers in public... all I can think about is how gross those things are and you are walking around your house in those slippers...ewwwwwwwwww
Unless you're recovering from a medical issue or have physical issues, it's just plain laziness and slovenly.
I'll wear what I like, thank you. A stranger's opinion doesn't factor into mmy fashion choices at the grocery store.
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Tipping in 95% of situations. Just doing your job should not require a tip. Businesses should pay more and not put it on the customers. I always tip 25% or more because it's not the workers' fault that companies are awful but it just rubs me the wrong way.
Tips were originally for exceptional service, where they performed much better than you expected. No idea how America got to tips are normal and not tipping is an insult.
I despise that it's more socially acceptable to BE an a*****e than it is to call someone out for being an a*****e. It's like when someone's being publicly rude, people would rather just ignore it and look the other way than say "Hey buddy you're being a d**k to everyone around you, knock it the hell off".
I would call out more people if I hadn't the fear to be attacked by some of them.... It's so sad that grown people have to fear to be beaten up by even kids... There was once a ten year old in the train, flicking a knife against the seat...I just avoided the entire waggon... And felt shame that I didn't felt able to talk to the kid (edit: a word I don't know what it meant)
This Reddit thread was full of people displeased with one or another etiquette rule. We asked Lisa Mirza Grotts how one should respond when someone calls them out on an outdated social rule. "In life, 'agree to disagree' is a learned skill."
"When you take into account politics and religion, which at the current moment are on steroids, it's no wonder that people are scared to speak up and put a fresh coat of paint on their opinions," the etiquette expert notes. "There's nothing wrong with having an opinion even when it's different than someone else's. The difference is your response."
Putting cutlery at the beginning of buffet tables. I do not know which utensils I need until I am done selecting all of my food and they are awkward to carry while filling my plate with said food. It belongs at the end and I die on this hill.
No, John, I'm not spending the first ten minutes of the meeting discussing everyone's weekend plans. Let's just get down to business so we can end the meeting ASAP.
Instead of arguing, which probably won't do any good anyway, Lisa Mirza Grotts recommends this response: "I feel that etiquette is about mutual respect and making sure everyone feels comfortable no matter the social setting." It also echoes her business tagline: “You can have everything in the world, but what matters most is your behavior and how you treat other people."
I have NEVER understood why people are afraid to tell someone else they have food in their teeth or something on their face. I’m going to be more embarrassed if I get home and see the lipstick on my teeth. AND I’m going to be annoyed with you for not mentioning it!
In general, if there is something wrong and you can correct it on the spot, you can tell a person what's wrong. If it's something you can't do anything about at that moment, you don't tell them because what you do is making people self-conscious the whole time until the time they can correct whatever is wrong.
Turning down something when you actually want it because it’s “polite.”
This happened to me a lot when I was a kid but every once in a while as an adult this weird social thing will happen.
Person: Would you like something to drink?
Me: Yes, please. Thank you.
Person: *shocked Pikachu face* Oh, I was just being polite.
Me: Were you, Vicki? Because that seems rude to me.
Men always ask women out, if a woman does it it makes her look desperate, do away with this social etiquette and let whoever has feelings for whomever make the first move regardless of gender.
We also asked the Golden Rules Gal what new etiquette rule she would make a must for all people. "I would say not so much about new etiquette rules, but in front of every rule, I would add the word 'mindful,' as in 'mindful behavior,'" the etiquette expert tells us. "The practice of being aware and paying attention to the feelings of others [and] our surroundings, and without judgment. Wouldn't that be nice!"
Giving up airplane seats so people can sit together. If I’m not being upgraded to a better seat, I’m not moving.
Talking about money.
F*****g discuss your wages, especially with your coworkers. It’s how you figure out if you’re being taken advantage of by your management, and it helps you put into perspective how other people in your field are doing and how you can improve your own income.
Waiting for people to take photos before walking through. It was polite in the 80s when people took one photo per day, but these days you'd never get anywhere in a tourist city if you waited. It's not reasonable to hold up a pavement while you take 17 photos for your Instagram. I'm going through.
Not taking the last piece of food on a sharing platter. The number of times I’ve seen a perfectly good piece of garlic bread go cold and get thrown away….
Going out for a birthday or occasion with a bunch of people or even just a few friends and having to split the bill evenly . I don’t mind it if it’s a few dollar difference, but often times I’ll get something cheaper on the menu and maybe one drink whereas others are ordering steaks and 4 drinks and I owe $100 or more. Whenever it’s the opposite and I order the more expensive things, I always make sure to tell people to just pay for what they owe. I wish others had the same decency.
Being on time is late. No, being late is being late. I’m not giving anyone more of my time then I need to.
People, usually men, mistaking the notion of a firm handshake to mean squeezing the f**k out of your hand.
Forcing kids to share their brand new gifts at a birthday party. naw. keep those doodoo-butter fingers off the new merchandise unless junior graciously permits you to play with it.
We always have the kids of the family unwrap their gifts and look at them in their boxes. We don't take the toys out and play with them until we're home/everyone leaves. Helps a lot because the children can look at the toys but not access them and fight over them. Also helps keep the toy and it's attachments all together till they can be lost at our own house lol
You can be blunt and be honest without being rude, sometimes it's the best thing to do.
yeah, but for the majority of the cases, I think that "brutal honesty" is a misunderstood concept. The same message can be conveyed in a number of different ways, and in many cases the brutal one isn't the best way, and don't try to hide you being an A$$ as just being honest. You can be honest in a gentle way, so try to give it just a moments thought about how receiving your message will feel, and ask yourself if you can do something to make that experience a bit more pleasant. I lot of hard truths can be said without ruining your relationships, if you choose your words wisely.
Having people in the service industry smile ask about your day. It's all completely insincere and exhausting and not just to the poor worker. I don't want to have to smile and lie to a stranger. I just want to buy my s**t and go.
It sometimes gets pushed way too f*****g far. There's a popular coffee kiosk chain where I live where the baristas are all forced to chat while you wait for them to make the coffee, and it takes a while so, the "how are you/fine" exchange doesn't fill enough time. They ask about favorite movies and "if you had a super power" and anything to just keep this pointless unwanted conversation going. Just... just stop. All I want is coffee. I don't want to think of what my favorite tree is, and you don't care. This isn't a conversation, this is chore.
It's exhausting.
How saying you don’t want to hang out with someone is considered rude. Instead society expects you to come up with a good reason, as if saying “I’m an introvert and I like having my alone time. Maybe we can hang out some other time.” Isn’t good enough.
Smoke breaks
You mean to tell me by smoking you get an extra hour a day to do whatever you want?!
Sending thank you notes to people who attended your loved one’s funeral. You already have enough on your plate, plus you’re grieving. It doesn’t make any sense to me.
Editing to add that I am in the US, in Michigan specifically.
I'm a big fan of the Irish goodbye.
For those unfamiliar with it, the Irish Goodbye is a term used for leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone.
I sat on a chocolate covered cherry at a picnic while wearing white shorts. Did anyone tell me at the time, including boyfriend. No. It just looked like a s**t myself and had a blowout period.
How did I get to my age and not know chocolate covered cherries are a thing
As a teacher, the “don’t talk back” gets me. It’s a problem if it is rude, but I don’t automatically assume a response is disrespect.
Oh especially when it happens after you are asked a rethorical question like "What were you thinking?" (which really means, what you did was highly unreasonable) Cutting people off, without giving them a chance to justify their actions, or let you gain a better understanding for what lead to the situation, is just pure gaslighting, as you dismiss the way they think and feel. In general, don't ask questions if you don't want answers, and investigate what is going on before you pass your judgement. Otherwise you may very well end up looking like the fool, when you think that things happened one way, but it was actually something completely different that was going on.
Men and women having different standards when it comes to being topless in public.
People getting pissy if you don’t open their gift right in front of them at the party.
People bringing gifts even if the invite specifically said “NO GIFTS”.
Obligatory gift giving in general.
Kiss on the cheek was a common greeting where I live. Thankfully covid brought an end to that.
Saying goodbye to everyone when I’m ready to leave.
Nope.
I’m simply gonna ✨f**koff ✨ in silence.
I kind of wish you could just dip out of boring conversations you may be trapped in.
When you offer someone something, and they say no, even though they want it, and you need to keep offering it to them until it's socially acceptable for them to take it.
After the first no, I take the hint and don't ask again...then they get pïssed because I didn't push the issue. Nah, I don't play games. If you want it, say yes the first time.
Don't know if it's a universal thing, but at every place I or my parents worked at, there was this weird rule to bring some food with you if you have your birthday on a workday. Luckily my birthday didn't land at a workday for the past two years, but I still just don't like that at all. I'm not going to work at that day to celebrate, and my coworkers aren't my friends. I would even prefer if nobody at my workplace knew when I have my birthday, but my boss literally writes it down for every employee to make sure we all know each other's birthdays.
I just wanna go there, do my f*****g job like any other day, and then go back home to enjoy my day with friends and family.
Forcing conversation when faced with a moment of silence.
I think it's especially odd that it's fine to have comfortable silence between friends, but with someone you don't know you're supposed to continuously talk
Note: this post originally had 50 images. It’s been shortened to the top 40 images based on user votes.
These were mostly terrible. People complaining they have to treat others with minimal levels of consideration and not just like obstacles to pass by.
Very few of these are etiquette rules, more just people complaining about others being rude. It's not "disagreeing" with a social etiquette rule to say you don't like people using cell phones on speaker.
I grew up with parents that forbade me to get angry or attempt to defend myself. Adults expect respect from children but God forbid a child should expect respect from an adult. My daughter grew up expressing her anger in appropriate ways and having her say. I made a huge effort to never cut her off or snap at her without knowing the whole situation. I spoke to her as I expected her to speak to me. We had some rough times and I made some huge mistakes, but she never doubted my love and respect for her. She was an easy teenager and wonderful adult and we are incredibly close.
I can't stand it when customer service reps begin every sentence with an apology of some sort. It's so fake and condescending and after the 5th or 6th apology (same issue) I want to pull out my hair. I'm also getting annoyed with people constantly apologizing or trying to justify their words or actions especially on things like not giving up their paid seat on a flight.
It's often a scripted response. The "powers that be" want to come across as if they were genuinely apologetic for whatever bad experience the customer has brought to the reps.
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How many of these were double entries? I think the person writing up this post needed to do a much better job editing!
Wishing the parents or spouse of the person who's birthday it is a happy birthday. I don't get it and I refuse to participate.
That's a thing? Perhaps it's regional; I've never come across that situation.
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In England, we would say How d' do? and the response is How d' do? I moved to Canada, and this was mistaken, I asked, and everyone replied "Fine" and then a year or two later "Good." I now ask "How's it going?"
Surely you (pronoun) aren't suggesting that we (pronoun) should stop using them (pronoun) in our (pronoun) everyday speech? I (pronoun) think everyone (pronoun) would get confused quickly if we (pronoun) did.
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Opening doors for women. I’ll open or hold doors for anyone if convenient or if someone is disabled, but opening doors for women seems demeaning.
Maybe if your thought process is that you own the woman or the woman is too weak /fragile / delicate to open the door on her own. In today's world I doubt that that's most people's thought process. The disabled person might be able to open the door on their own door and are offended that would assume that they aren't able to do even that for themselves.
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I have far more problems with entitled arseholes thinking they can do what they please in the over-50 demographic than the under-30. It's not a generational thing, it's a di*khead thing.
Load More Replies... These were mostly terrible. People complaining they have to treat others with minimal levels of consideration and not just like obstacles to pass by.
Very few of these are etiquette rules, more just people complaining about others being rude. It's not "disagreeing" with a social etiquette rule to say you don't like people using cell phones on speaker.
I grew up with parents that forbade me to get angry or attempt to defend myself. Adults expect respect from children but God forbid a child should expect respect from an adult. My daughter grew up expressing her anger in appropriate ways and having her say. I made a huge effort to never cut her off or snap at her without knowing the whole situation. I spoke to her as I expected her to speak to me. We had some rough times and I made some huge mistakes, but she never doubted my love and respect for her. She was an easy teenager and wonderful adult and we are incredibly close.
I can't stand it when customer service reps begin every sentence with an apology of some sort. It's so fake and condescending and after the 5th or 6th apology (same issue) I want to pull out my hair. I'm also getting annoyed with people constantly apologizing or trying to justify their words or actions especially on things like not giving up their paid seat on a flight.
It's often a scripted response. The "powers that be" want to come across as if they were genuinely apologetic for whatever bad experience the customer has brought to the reps.
Load More Replies... How many of these were double entries? I think the person writing up this post needed to do a much better job editing!
Wishing the parents or spouse of the person who's birthday it is a happy birthday. I don't get it and I refuse to participate.
That's a thing? Perhaps it's regional; I've never come across that situation.
Load More Replies... In England, we would say How d' do? and the response is How d' do? I moved to Canada, and this was mistaken, I asked, and everyone replied "Fine" and then a year or two later "Good." I now ask "How's it going?"
Surely you (pronoun) aren't suggesting that we (pronoun) should stop using them (pronoun) in our (pronoun) everyday speech? I (pronoun) think everyone (pronoun) would get confused quickly if we (pronoun) did.
Load More Replies... Opening doors for women. I’ll open or hold doors for anyone if convenient or if someone is disabled, but opening doors for women seems demeaning.
Maybe if your thought process is that you own the woman or the woman is too weak /fragile / delicate to open the door on her own. In today's world I doubt that that's most people's thought process. The disabled person might be able to open the door on their own door and are offended that would assume that they aren't able to do even that for themselves.
Load More Replies... I have far more problems with entitled arseholes thinking they can do what they please in the over-50 demographic than the under-30. It's not a generational thing, it's a di*khead thing.
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