There should be a button to scroll to the recipe. Like, no Brenda I don't care that you live in Texas and your mother-in-law is really kind and bakes cookies for your 7 children.

He speaks the truth

Spend the rest of the meeting imagining painful ways that speaker should meet his/her untimely demise

Happiness comes from animals, other than humans

Grandma is savage!

Not looking forward to that loop.

the child is also a unicorn

I especially love it when there is 182 lids and none of them are the correct one.

Thank you, advice giving random stranger

I would also be impressed by an ice cream truck, but that's it

Ummm zero? Because someone cloned my Sim card and has been happily using my Google ever since and Gmail didn't Say jack s**t

Turns out they didn’t fall apart because you left… the ship was sinking while you were on it.

That dastardly ice cream, always out to get you

There have to be boundaries, human. This is my ball of slobber.

My Daughter used to think Amazon was magic when she was 6. One time she wrote a letter to the mail carrier to "bring me more Amazon boxes PLEASE!" and another time filled the cart up and hit the purchase button. Thank God I didn't have $9,116.

Writing this down next time I’m offended. It depends on the humor, though. If it’s plain rude and meant to belittle someone or something, it shouldn’t be funny at all. The person who said it has issues and is NOT actually happy

I'm really into "utilitarian Christmas" or birthdays...batteries, chargers, cable tags, moldable glue, super cleaning products. A shoebox of these are surprisingly a big hit. Not for kids though.

I’d be creeps out, because my mind went to cannibalism

The I don't give a damn phase

And then the subwoofers kick in.

Here’s something: a successful marriage ends with one partner watching the other die.

I've found these music lyrics relevant & you can insert any day that you want to: "Well I tried to make it Sunday, but I got so damn depressed"

All I want is a few days where I don't have to do anything! Is that really too much to ask??

I clean my house to the music I currently get drunk to, same as I did in my 20s.

For real!

There's probably very few things you can think of doing that haven't already been done in Vegas

Actually, getting exercise increases stamina for more exercise for more stamina for more strength and stamina for more exercise and muscles and health and

I’m having my ups now and that’s the best thing happening to me

Making this my new status update

I am dreading adulthood. Please just let me go back to kindergarten

🤞🏼hoping it's a dog 🤞🏼

I saw my package was literally in my town then it returned to where it came from . I looked at why and it said "unable to deliver. Driveway blocked" I live in apartments...with a parking lot.

As I picked up from my dad, the signal that I'm done listening and don't care about this: yeah welp whatta ya gonna do

I read this as if there were a comma after 'home', which makes it a very strange command. Stay at home, dog parent.

What is this retirement of which you speak…

Me to my sister (I’m the one on the right):

My marriage made me stronger, angrier and feistier than I ever imagined I could be. Started swearing during my marriage too at age 33. Some gifts just keep on giving. Am doing fine. He’s the one diagnosed as paranoid delusional and a thousand miles away. If I can take that mess and make an awesome life so can anyone else.👍🏻👍🏻❤️😉

I don’t know WHY the heck I read “dating Apps” instead of “dating-apps”

Lately, I’ve been staying up late and haven’t been eating until last minute before I go to sleep. Not even dinner, though. A freaking bowl of gold fish, Oreos, and marshmallows. So nutritious

How about some rainbow flags, I think they're pretty fun

My poor dog has anxiety 😪 he’s scared of balloons, fireworks, my rabbit, round objects that roll, and water. I also think he’s depressed. We’re helping each other out, here, honestly. Two depressed buddies cuddling it out and forgetting our loneliness

Shut up and get in my mouth.

Trade the wine for hot chocolate and I'm in

How do people have energy before 10pm?

Yes. And then I freak out that there could accidentally being 40kg of cocaine and an Uzi in the backseat. Then I remember that I don't even really know what an uzi looks like, so there's that. Brains are weird.

You're supposed to ask my permission before posting pictures of me.

pizza doesn't ask questions, pizza understands, we should all embrace pizza

Overcompensation vibes