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“If My Husband Went To Bed At The Same Time As Me”: 30 Women Share Simple Things That Can Go A Long Way In Improving Romantic Relationships
Navigating romantic relationships can sometimes feel like stumbling through a maze in the dark. Only through time, patience, and a lot of practice can we figure out how to seamlessly go through this journey of life with another person. (And even then, there will always be some unexpected bumps along the road.) So if you’re looking for advice that might go a long way in improving your relationships, buckle up and come along for the ride.
Women on Reddit have been sharing small things that have positive impacts on relationships, what they need to feel safe and what they consider to be the bare minimum, so we've gathered some of their wisest words below. Keep reading to also find conversations with relationship consultant Dr. Ada Gonzalez and Amie the Dating Coach, and be sure to upvote the replies that hit home for you.
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#1
Viewing every relationship issue as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”
RELATED:
#2
One thing that I noticed about my partner that really makes me know I've found a good person is how much he's willing to learn from me. In very very little ways. I spend a lot of time on AITA here and there's constant stories of absolute garbage partners who won't lift a finger and refuse to learn/try to contribute.
My partner will see me cooking something they don't know how to cook, cleaning something they don't know how to clean.. basically doing anything a certain way. And then he'll come over and ask me about what I'm doing. Why I'm using certain products, how I know something is done.
To be clear, he already can cook and clean things lol. But it means a lot to me that he sees things I do and instead of thinking "I don't have to worry because she's got it" I can tell he's thinking "how can I take this off her plate?"
Arunika R. 1 year ago
And it makes you more independent and on similar wavelength with your partner!
Considering how natural and intuitive it should be, dating is often surprisingly challenging. So to gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to relationship coach Dr. Ada Gonzalez, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. First, we asked the expert if she could share some of her simplest tips that can go a long way in improving our romantic relationships. “Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude for your partner. Being fully present when your partner is speaking to you. Spending quality time together regularly, even if it's just a few minutes a day,” Dr. Gonzalez noted.
“Making an effort to show your love and affection in small ways, such as holding hands or giving a hug. Being open and honest with your partner, even when it's difficult. Making an effort to understand and accept your partner's perspective, even if you disagree," she added. "Doing things that show you care about your partner's happiness and well-being, such as helping with chores or running errands.”
#3
Respecting the need for solitude and that it can be important to carve time for pursuing our individual curiosities, rather than always making compromises so we can do things together as a couple
Arunika R. 1 year ago (edited)
Everyone has their different interests, it's simply impractical to spend every moment together and expect it to be enjoyable in the long term.
“Setting and respecting boundaries to ensure both partners feel safe and respected,” Dr. Gonzalez continued. “Making time for intimacy and physical connection, whether through sex or other forms of physical touch. Continuously learning and growing together as a couple, whether through reading books, taking courses, or attending counseling or relationship coaching.”
#4
Kindness. Making sure you understand that you should be each others best friend and advocate. Even if you have conflict, be unfailingly kind.
This also means reminding your partner to be kind to themself. This morning my husband said something self-degrading and I gave my usual response-joking, “Don’t you talk like that about my husband!”
Ola Polowczyk 1 year ago
We do that too! ❤️ But in our case it's "Don't talk like that about my fiance/fiancee" This works wonders
#5
Trust. If that isn't established from the start then the relationship is doomed from the very start.
We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Master Certified Relationship Coach Amie Leadingham, or Amie the Dating Coach, to hear her thoughts on the topic. When it comes to small ways we can improve our relationships, Amie says, “Making a simple shift with active listening will create a safe space for two people to open up and be vulnerable about each other’s feelings. It isn’t only love that keeps a couple together. It is how they fight and resolve their problems. Often when a conflict arises, most listen to defend to ‘win’ rather than listen to understand each other’s point of view. By actively listening, you can make a partner feel seen and safe in the relationship.”
#6
That you two are two different people. He has his preferences. She has her own. Accepting that will save you from a lot of trouble.
Leo Domitrix 1 year ago
This. He loves horror movies, I don't. I love documentaries, he doesn't. So what? We like different music too. So what? people really overvalue "same interests". You run out of stuff ot talk about!
#7
Don’t act like i’m bothering you when i want to hang out.
Don’t make me feel bad for wanting to spend time together.
We also asked the experts why it’s so easy to overlook these little things. “They often seem small or insignificant. Many people believe that grand gestures or expensive gifts are necessary to make a relationship work, when in reality, it's the small, everyday actions and words that build a strong foundation of love and trust,” Dr. Gonzalez says.
“Additionally, busy schedules, stress, and distractions can make it difficult to prioritize the relationship and make time for these small gestures. However, taking the time to focus on these simple things can make a big difference in the quality of the relationship and overall happiness of both partners.”
#8
Someone who understands my need to have animals in my life. I go into a dark hole if I don't. Luckily I married a man who turned out to be a big cat lover too. He never had animals before he met me but he's all in. Our oldest cat is such a daddy's girl too.
#9
Doing little things for my wife. Bringing her morning coffee, packing her lunches. Every day acts of affection matter.
“So many of us learn our conflict resolution skills from our home environment growing up as a child,” Amie told Bored Panda. “Suppose we grew up in a chaotic home where we saw fighting with no resolution or a home where emotions were not safe to be expressed. We might not have the necessary skills to be vulnerable, develop intimacy, and resolve our issues in a healthy way. The good news is anyone can develop healthy relationship skills anytime with effort and practice.”
#10
Finding time together. Life gets busy. Sometimes your relationship can’t be first, but you have time find moments to just BE together.
We used to get a sitter and run errands together. Grab a coffee and do the grocery/Target/oil change type stuff together.
Mila Preradović 1 year ago
Coffee and farmers market on Sunday morning while the offspring still sleeps 😁
#11
Figuring out how to disagree. Sometimes these turn into arguments, but as soon as it gets heated, or one person slams the door or yells, you may as well say "I'm not listening". Trying to hear the other person out and understand where they're coming from will benefit both people a ton in the long run.
troufaki13 1 year ago
I think it's because we tend to take things personally when people don't agree with us because in our minds we're right so when someone disagrees with us they're automatically wrong.
While these little changes may greatly benefit your relationships, they aren’t always enough to save them. “Making small changes in a relationship can definitely make a positive impact and help prevent a relationship from ending,” Dr. Gonzalez noted. “Often, it's the accumulation of small negative patterns and behaviors that can lead to larger problems in a relationship, and reversing those negative patterns can prevent things from getting worse.”
“However, every relationship is unique and some may require more substantial changes or interventions in order to improve or thrive,” she added. “In some cases, seeking the guidance of a professional counselor or relationship coach may be necessary.”
#12
Communication. Growing up trauma instilled by my parents included silent treatment when they disapproved of anything I did. When I first got into the relationship I am in now, I started to see how toxic it was to just not talk and wait for the problem to go away. Both my therapist and my fiancé helped me work through it and understand that it is not about "winning" and once you learn to put in effort and admit when you're wrong and say sorry, the misundestandings become easier to talk through and don't have to escalate into fights. We very rarely fight anymore because we communicate better, and are therefore happier.
Arunika R. 1 year ago
I wish I could send communicate this to my parents. I'm tired of the constant silent war
#13
2 different bathrooms. Trust me it's a game changer.
Maartjemoo 1 year ago
I am from the Netherlands where hardly anybody has more than one bathroom. I grew up in a family of 7 (which is a lot in my country) with one bathroom. And no we did not constantly have fights about it. People made their preference clear (morning or evening) and we talked about it or just got up earlier. I have never see this as an issue ever in my life or any body that I know of.
Amie pointed out that sometimes small changes can save a relationship though, bringing attention to some of the success stories that have been shared in this thread. “I really liked what u/NinaMissedTheLastBus said, ‘Both my therapist and my fiancé helped me work through it and understand that it is not about ‘winning’, and once you learn to put in effort and admit when you're wrong and say sorry, the misunderstandings become easier to talk through and don't have to escalate into fights’,” she shared.
“The willingness to find a solution together is so powerful,” Amie continued. “I liked what u/Giannandco said as well, ‘In my marriage, trust, healthy communication skills and the willingness to work through difficulties and finding a resolution which works for both of us.’”
#14
Care. It's big in my relationship because I'm severely Autistic and struggle with talking to people I don't know, so whenever me and my boyfriend are out in public, he usually speaks for me whenever we visit a place like a store or cafe. It's so helpful because I can barely ever start a sentence when I talk to someone I don't know.
Nice Beast Ludo 1 year ago
Mine does this for me too. He is super charismatic and easy to talk to and I am just awkward and end up f*****g everything up trying to talk on the phone. I get sick with anxiety over it. So he takes care of that most of the time and it's such a relief
And of course, it’s best to prevent these things from becoming issues in the first place, whenever possible. To do so, Dr. Gonzalez recommends that we always practice regular, healthy communication, spending quality time together, addressing issues early, respecting boundaries, and practicing forgiveness. “By taking these steps, you can work to prevent common issues from becoming major problems in your relationship,” she told Bored Panda.
#16
We have an alarm at the end of everyday called grateful. My husband’s suggestion. We spend a minute just highlighting any thing big or small that the other person has done that we’re grateful for, or if we’ve had a fight, what the other person did that helped that helped conflict resolution/repair. It helps each partner remember the good things the other person has done and where they’ve put effort into the relationship. It also helps to hear the other persons reflection of what helped so we understand each other’s experiences and perspectives better. It provides reinforcement of all the good that occurs so we don’t dwell on what we might have gotten wrong, but also what we got right and where it helps. Definitely has helped strengthen the relationship through different conflict styles and neurodiverse differences.
#17
Understanding these overall concepts:
1. A relationship has an underlying contract, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Over time the terms of that contract may change, but you have to make sure both parties sign off on all changes. Most relationships drift apart when one of the signing parties starts signing off on changes without presenting the contract to the other person for sign off. Communication is key, but so is awareness of the little changes we go through in desires and preferences as we grow and evolve as people.
2. Over time small cracks will develop in the structure that is your relationship. It is the job of both parties to perform regular maintenance to the structure, as sometimes only one of the two of you will be able to see these as they form. You may need to reference item 1 as these are patched up
3. Here is an uncomfortable truth nobody wants to acknowledge: you and your partner will likely both have desires to be with other people throughout the course of your relationship, at least sexually. We as human beings are wired this way and infidelity rates as well as statistics on breakup reasons highlight this reality. Whatever storybook romance or religious dogma taught you about only desiring one person for the rest of your life does not reflect reality for the majority of people with healthy sexualities. This does not in any way make it okay to cheat or lie to your partner, but developing the confidence to talk about this openly may actually go a long way in preventing such behavior. Sometimes the cracks developing in a relationship go un-patched because no one has the confidence to acknowledge them. While love and sexuality certainly have overlap, they are very much separate engines in the vehicle of life. In my experience, this is the single most under-communicated aspect of otherwise healthy relationships.
Sara Wilson 1 year ago
For me, to go with all this, is find out how ur partner needs to b shown appreciation. I don't need flowers, I need u to pick up after urself or do something different. Same with romance. Just because u have an idea of what constitutes this, doesn't mean ur partners thinks the same. Most of the time, the info is there, if u r paying attention. Or just ask! But if u ask, USE the info. Don't just forget or disregard it because it may not b as easy for u as ur idea was
“We tend to be the common denominator when it comes to relationships,” Amie added. “If a negative pattern keeps rearing its ugly head, it’s time to self-reflect to see why these patterns keep showing up. Hurt people hurt people, so it’s important to do your healing work together as a couple or even better by yourself first before you enter a new relationship.”
If you’d like to gain more tips or relationship insight from Amie the Dating Coach, be sure to visit her website right here!
#18
The guys I dated all seemed to believe giving me my own space and not rushing me was the way to go about my anxiety. I respect that but it wasn't enough. A lot of times the reason I had relationship anxiety in the first place was lack of (enough) **emotional intimacy** and **emotional support by actions** as my love language is mostly actions. "You are hot and smart" is flattering and necessary for sexual compatibility, but "I know you are anxious about your cat's vet trip but YOU GOT THIS" kind of texts in the morning for example means more about feeling secure in the relationship. And someone with anxiety disorder absolutely needs to feel secure in the relationship.
#19
I wish my bf would acknowledge how hard it is for me to interact with others, and encourage me, rather than just saying, "You just gotta get out of your head!" Ummm, yeah. If I could do that as simply as that statement implies, wouldn't I have already done that? It's disheartening when I'm treated as if being hurt, confused, and stressed is somehow me just being miserable on purpose.
“Another thing to consider in preventing issues in relationships is to regularly check-in with each other and have, what I call, conversations that connect,” Dr. Gonzalez shared. “This means being willing to express your thoughts and feelings, as well as actively listening to your partner's perspective.”
“When partners feel heard and understood, they are more likely to feel valued and appreciated, which in turn can strengthen their emotional connection,” she explained. “By having conversations that connect, partners can also deepen their understanding of each other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. This can help them to better support each other through life's challenges, and can help them to work together towards shared goals.”
#20
Effort. It’s the little stuff like wanting to make someone happy, doing chores unprompted, checking in on each other. Exhibiting desire both physically and emotionally. Being a good person Carrie’s over in to your romantic relationships.
Obviously good communication skills.
The ability to take an ego hit or shed an egotistical thought or reaction in order to work through the issue with your partner instead of defensively hiding or shutting down.
#21
To know I don't have to worry about them cheating on me
MonicaChicagoGal 1 year ago
Sorry but you'll never KNOW they won't all you can do is the best you can and HOPE they won't - married 23 years together 27.
“Additionally, conversations that connect can help partners to address any concerns or conflicts as they arise, rather than letting them fester and build up over time,” Dr. Gonzalez continued. “When partners are able to communicate effectively and empathetically, they are more likely to find solutions that work for both of them, rather than getting stuck in a cycle of blame and defensiveness. By consistently practicing these habits, couples build a strong foundation of trust, respect, and understanding, which can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying romantic relationship.”
If you’d like to hear even more words of wisdom from this relationships expert, be sure to visit Dr. Ada Gonzalez’s website right here!
#22
Your life is made better by them being in it.
#23
Realizing that it won’t always be 50/50. Sometimes it’ll be 80/20. Also, having similar living habits definitely helps.
#24
Two things:
1. Acknowlegement of the mental load of running the household, plus active participation in balancing that load.
2. Not cheating on me with anyone who would stand still long enough
Jeya Mackelle 1 year ago (edited)
Agree, especially with 2. Men are like "we have needs". Well, so do I. We both have love tanks, but if I feel mine is being neglected, I won't use up all of my mental and emotional energy to overflow yours. Better yet, I'll start to fill my tank up so much you'll be forgotten. I will glow and grow without you until you realize you're hardly a fixture in my life. So wise up and meet my needs and appreciate me, or lose me.
#27
Willingness to take accountability
Pittsburgh rare 1 year ago
I think what l can't forgive is the lack of accountability. Everybody makes mistakes, but owning them is essential.
#28
If my husband could keep his drinking under control. It's a work in progress. At least he is trying but I worry about it getting worse again in the future.
Highwaytozen 1 year ago
The medicine Naltrexone helped me with my drinking problem very much. Read up about it and ask your doctor if it could be something for you.
#29
An open mind. One thing that really sets me off is people yelling "what are you doing that is so weird!?!!" When they see me do anything mildly different, such as putting a condiment on my bread they're not familiar with
#30
Growth.
I panic when things go stagnant - I’m way too critical on myself to not constantly be bettering myself, and it makes me feel safe and comfortable if I know it’s a mutual desire and that we can act upon it together as a team. Because, for me, it’s not always a pretty process, and I need to feel like my SO is going to stand by me in my monstrous moments.
Teamwork.
I love having alone time, but I hate feeling alone. I love that my SO is so communicative, and supportive, and everything you’d need in a teammate to elevate your quality and performance. He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, he tells me the honest truth and we grow from our shared truths. It’s not always easy, or again - pretty, but we have one diamond solid, beautiful relationship and I can confidently say I’ve never felt safer, more comfortable, more confident - than I do with him.
He’s vulnerable with me - probably more than I am with him! And that’s another thing.
What do you think ?
Brobro McDuderson 1 year ago
Most of these aren’t really women specific, they’re just food relationship advice for spouses to one another.
DBear 1 year ago
Wow. Flip this 180 degrees and it would be slammed for sexism and male toxicity..
TRQ 1 year ago (edited)
You know you can write an article about whatever you want right?
Load More Replies... Brobro McDuderson 1 year ago
Most of these aren’t really women specific, they’re just food relationship advice for spouses to one another.
DBear 1 year ago
Wow. Flip this 180 degrees and it would be slammed for sexism and male toxicity..
TRQ 1 year ago (edited)
You know you can write an article about whatever you want right?
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