Family quarrels are a natural part of life, and most of the time, they’re resolved without too much fuss. But what do you do when the issues stem from a lifetime of being treated unfairly?

One woman on Reddit recently shared how she’s felt overshadowed by her parents’ favoritism towards her sister. So when that same sister asked for help planning an elaborate party and buying an expensive gift for their parents’ 30th wedding anniversary, she refused, leading to a heated argument. Read the full story below to see how it all unfolded.

The woman felt her parents had always treated her sister better than her

Image credits: monkeybusiness / envato (not the actual photo)

So when her sister asked for help with their parents’ 30th anniversary, she refused

Image credits: GaudiLab / envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits: allets27

Parental favoritism can have lasting, harmful effects on relationships and self-esteem

It’s generally accepted that playing favorites with your children isn’t something to be encouraged. However, it happens more often than many might think. In fact, about 40% of Americans who grew up with siblings report that their parents had a favorite child. Interestingly, women are more likely than men to perceive this favoritism—nearly 45% of women, compared to 35% of men, believe their parents favored one sibling over the others. The woman who shared her story on Reddit was no exception.

This type of behavior can lead to resentment and rivalry between siblings. Studies show that nearly half (48%) of Americans who didn’t experience favoritism say they had a very close relationship with their siblings while growing up. In contrast, only 30% of those who believe their parents had a preferred child report having such a close bond with their siblings.

To learn more about the effects of parental favoritism, Bored Panda spoke with parenting coach and somatic therapist Emily Hughes.

“Of course, all humans yearn to feel unconditionally loved, and when this is not given, a child might feel like they are constantly having to strive and fight to be loved, never feeling good enough,” she says. “Playing favorites breeds resentment between siblings, which can last long into adulthood. There can also be challenges for the favored child, who may feel like they can’t make mistakes and have to be perfect in order to remain the favorite.”

Research suggests that even from a young age, children are keenly aware of differential treatment, such as parents showing more warmth or affection to one sibling over another. Children who perceive this favoritism may develop low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or behavioral issues, including risky behavior. Additionally, this favoritism can negatively affect their emotional well-being in indirect ways. For instance, a study in China found that adolescents who experienced parental favoritism were more likely to develop mobile phone addiction.

Hughes explains that there are various reasons why a parent might play favorites, often linked to the parent’s own emotional struggles. “Sometimes, it stems from a parent having low emotional intelligence,” she says. “Narcissistic parents may choose one child as the ‘golden child,’ who becomes a symbol of how ‘successful’ the parent is to the outside world, while their other child might be cast in the role of ‘scapegoat,’ taking the blame for anything that doesn’t align with the vision the parent wants to express to the world.”

Other times, a parent might simply find one child easier to raise than another and lack the emotional maturity or support to navigate this. Hughes also notes that parents can be triggered by a child who reminds them too much or too little of themselves, without realizing that their reaction stems from unhealed issues within.

Despite the negative effects of parental favoritism, there is hope for those who experienced it. “Adult children who feel overlooked by their parents can learn to embrace their inherent good enoughness through ‘reparenting,’” says Hughes. “Reparenting is the act of giving yourself what you didn’t receive in childhood.” This can be done through self-empathy, nurturing self-talk, journaling, or with the assistance of a therapist or coach.

“Reparenting can be a powerful process of reclaiming and deeply knowing that [these individuals] were always special, worthy of love and belonging, lovable and likable for their authentic self, even if their parents were unable to see this,” believes Hughes. While it can be difficult and take time, embracing this process can ultimately bring the healing and closure needed to move forward.

The woman later revealed that her sister had never stood up for her

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People in the comments criticized her family, encouraging the woman not to feel guilty for her decision and reassuring her that she did the right thing

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