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Woman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing Drama
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Woman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing Drama

Interview With Expert Woman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing Drama Sister Says Trans Bro Ruined BBQ Even Though She Was The One Embarrassed By His ScarsWoman Won’t Have Trans Bro Swimming Shirtless With Barely Visible Scars At Her BBQ, He Just Leaves Trans Guy With Barely Visible Scars Stopped From Being Shirtless In Pool Due To Sister's FeelingsTrans Guy Hurt After Sis Stops Him From Being Shirtless In Pool Due To Worry Over In-Laws' OpinionSister Worries More About In-Laws' Feelings Than Trans Bro, Tells Him Not To Go Shirtless In PoolWoman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing DramaWoman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing DramaWoman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing DramaWoman’s Transphobic Request Makes Brother Leave Pool Party Early, She Accuses Him Of Causing Drama
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Families should stick by one another and support each other through life’s toughest moments. But sometimes, the people closest to us can stab us in the back. This is especially heartbreaking when it happens out of the blue. 

A man shared his story of betrayal when his sister suddenly told him to cover up at her pool party. She was uncomfortable with her in-laws finding out that she had a transgender brother. She didn’t want them to see his top surgery scars.

More info: Reddit

Sister ruins her own BBQ by making a fuss about trans brother’s top surgery scars because she was afraid her in-laws would notice

Image credits: Jarritos Mexican Soda (not the actual photo) 

Guy attended sister’s pool party, but when he took off his shirt to go swimming, his sister told him to put it back on because of his top surgery scars

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Image credits: John Fornander (not the actual photo)

He said that his sister had never taken issue with him being shirtless before, but this time, she said that she was “uncomfortable” with her in-laws knowing he was transgender

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Image credits: Jeremy Perkins (not the actual photo)

The poster decided to change and leave the party after just an hour of being there because he felt hurt and didn’t want to be around anyone

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Image credits: u/shirtproblems

His parents were furious when they found out about their daughter’s actions, and they also left the party early

The poster shared that he had been invited to his sister and BIL’s house for a BBQ and pool party. He initially thought that only his family would be attending, but he saw that his BIL’s family was also there. The man mentioned that he was getting ready to go into the pool and had just removed his shirt when his sister stopped him and told him to put it back on. She said that she did not want his scars to be on display.

The guy told netizens that his scars were from top surgery that he had undergone 4 years back. He shared that he is a transgender guy and began his transition 8 years ago. Since the operation, the scars have faded a lot and are now pretty well hidden under his pecs. So he felt that his sister was making a mountain out of a molehill because they weren’t even visible.

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The surgery that the poster mentioned is also called a double mastectomy. Transgender individuals who undergo this surgery often feel reaffirmed in their identity, and many also say that it helps them feel less gender dysphoria. The intensive surgery leaves long lateral scars on the lower line of each pec muscle and tends to fade over time as it heals.

His sister never seemed to have a problem with his scars or him going shirtless before. When he asked her why she suddenly had an issue, she said that she was uncomfortable with her in-laws knowing he was trans. She felt that they would view her differently because of it. The guy felt hurt by his sister’s request and didn’t want to go along with her charade.

Bored Panda interviewed Dara Hoffman, LPC, a subject matter expert on the trans and non-binary experience. They shared their views on this situation, stating that: “Especially when this happens in a scenario with people in your life who supposedly are your loved ones, [it] can be hurtful and harmful. Because it’s already difficult to be somebody who’s trans and navigating the world. There’s a level of shame that can come up that is, like I said, especially impactful when it comes from a family member.”

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“It’s so painful to be told that you cannot show up as who you truly are. My guess is there are people there that the sister would be embarrassed to have this happen around, so, therefore, the guy who is being told he can’t do this is then subjected to feeling that he’s being ‘othered.’ In other words, there’s something about him that’s wrong and different from the ‘normal’ people at the party. Maybe he’s used to it from the sibling, and it’s going to continue to sever their relationship with each other,” Dara added.

Image credits: Roberto Nickson (not the actual photo)

The woman might have been worried that her husband’s family would not accept her brother or judge her for having a trans sibling. This is true in some cases because around 38% of people still say that society has gone too far in accepting transgender people. Only four in ten people aged 30-49 and one-third of people over 50 are accepting and knowledgeable about trans issues.

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Dara also weighed in on the sister’s reaction, saying “she’s projecting her own fears and insecurities onto him. Again, as someone who’s a part of a marginalized group, this is something we go through every day of our lives. Whether it’s a small microaggression or [on a] larger level, it all builds up over time. It can take an incredible toll on one’s mental and emotional wellbeing.”

They also stated that: “Being able to wear his shirt off at a swim party is probably something he had dreamed of before he came out, before top surgery, before he took testosterone. To be able to have that opportunity to do that, every time that happens, it can be something that feels euphoric instead of gender dysphoric. So she is really robbing him of that ability to be able to express himself. It is important that whatever’s going on with her is validated, but it needs to be explored deeper because when it comes down to it, it’s very hurtful.”

This kind of attitude from his sister and the fact that she was asking him to cover up his scars made the man feel bad. He said that his mood soured after the interaction and that he didn’t want to be around her, so he left the party early. When his parents found out why he was leaving early, his dad struck up a fight, and both parents decided to leave the BBQ early. 

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Commenters were glad the man’s parents supported him and stood up to his sister. According to Healthline, “for many LGBTQ people, support and affirmation in an environment where they feel safe and seen can make all the difference when it comes to mental health outcomes.” Although he felt betrayed by his sister, knowing his parents were on his side must have been a relief.

People’s support for queer people shouldn’t change based on the situation they’re in. The sister must understand that nobody else’s opinion matters if she accepts her brother. The viral post got 31k upvotes and people were unanimous about the man’s sister being a jerk and ruining her party because of her actions. Do you think the guy should have stayed at the party and confronted his sister? Let us know your thoughts in the comments.

Netizens stood up for the poster, saying that for many trans men, going shirtless at a pool or beach is a rite of passage that shows they feel comfortable in their skin

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Beverly Noronha

Beverly Noronha

Writer, BoredPanda staff

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You can call me Bev! I'm a world-class reader, a quirky writer, and a gardener who paints. If you’re looking for information about tattoos, Bulbasaur, and books, then I'm the NPC you must approach.

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Beverly Noronha

Beverly Noronha

Writer, BoredPanda staff

You can call me Bev! I'm a world-class reader, a quirky writer, and a gardener who paints. If you’re looking for information about tattoos, Bulbasaur, and books, then I'm the NPC you must approach.

Monika Pašukonytė

Monika Pašukonytė

Author, BoredPanda staff

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I am a visual editor here. In my free time I enjoy the vibrant worlds of art galleries, exhibitions, and soulful concerts. Yet, amidst life's hustle and bustle, I find solace in nature's embrace, cherishing tranquil moments with beloved friends. Deep within, I hold a dream close - to embark on a global journey in an RV, accompanied by my faithful canine companion. Together, we'll wander through diverse cultures, weaving precious memories under the starry night sky, fulfilling the wanderlust that stirs my soul.

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Monika Pašukonytė

Monika Pašukonytė

Author, BoredPanda staff

I am a visual editor here. In my free time I enjoy the vibrant worlds of art galleries, exhibitions, and soulful concerts. Yet, amidst life's hustle and bustle, I find solace in nature's embrace, cherishing tranquil moments with beloved friends. Deep within, I hold a dream close - to embark on a global journey in an RV, accompanied by my faithful canine companion. Together, we'll wander through diverse cultures, weaving precious memories under the starry night sky, fulfilling the wanderlust that stirs my soul.

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Fox with a Dragon Tattoo
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The one phrase "ask my sister why" says everything. If she couldn't explain things in a way that didnt blow things up, shes clearly the problem. And she called angry because thats how gaslighters play this stupid childish game.

Nicole Weymann
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Additional thought: "I don't want them to see the scars" - babe, as the only man wearing a shirt in a pool full of topless guys would make him stick out even more. Not to mention it was his ONLY shirt.

Load More Replies...
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My!
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The prison I was in housed the majority of trans people, as their safety wasn't guaranteed in male prisons. This went for both MtF and FtM transitions. Bras were required at all times. We were even supposed to sleep in them. This rule was enforced in populace, but not while we were in our rooms. It just seemed odd to me, though, forcing FtM trans people to wear a bra, even if they had fully transitioned, or had virtually no breasts because of hormone treatment. My last year there, the powers that be brought a gay man to our prison for his own protection. He was not trans. He was gay. He, like, all the other inmates, was required to wear a bra.

Ephemera Image
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly, if I were at a pool party I would never even ask about a person's scars. If they felt free to tell me, that's fine. Otherwise none of my business. And really, I would not care.

Sky Render
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Probably wouldn't have even batted an eye if it had been a cis man who had had surgery to treat gynecomastia. Double standards are just so delightful.

Ace
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"You didn't have to cause all this drama if only you did as I asked".

Full of Giggles
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That sentence had me yelling “oh hell no” out loud. Sister needs a btch slap back into reality.

Load More Replies...
Marla
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm just happy to see support for trans people on BP. Sometimes the comments get really messed up

Alexandra
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your parents are awesome, that's one. Secondly, your sister treats you as her dirty little secret because she's afraid of what her in-laws might think of her. You are only 'presentable' if the in-laws are not present. That should tell you enough to go low or no contact with her, because she will not change.

Lori Sandoval
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm genuinely curious. Did her in-laws not notice that their daughter-in-law once had a sister but now has a brother? If the in-laws are remotely observant they probably already know and came to that pool party knowing daughter-in-laws brother would be there.

Load More Replies...
RAM31280
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, OP did not ruin the BBQ, the sister did. Sis didn't want to start drama wither her husband's family, but she started it with her own family instead. If the in-laws are so Transphobic they run away in fear, let them run.

Szzone
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So that's transphobic. If she is ashamed how her brother's identity will reflect on her,ahedoesn't really accept him. That's it.

Ephemera Image
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's not her own person, merely a reflection of those around her apparently.

Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If there was a chance it would be an issue, sister should have told the in laws, they are welcome to visit and be accepting, or not come.

FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP was certainly entitled to make a scene, but didn't. Anyone who is treated as an object of shame and not as a human being has. Right to whatever scene they want to make. Sounds like OP was more compassionate towards his sister than she was to him.

Natasha Clark
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA.. your sister wanted to look good or wholesome for the transphobic-in-laws, who's probably very conservative & it backfired on her ruining the bbq. She is beyond aware of your transition but clearly failed to discuss it with them as it's not an overnight thing. Leads me to believe she probably refer to you as her sister still instead of brother cause she's transphobic herself. Most likely halphobic, meaning supportive around you & not supportive around everyone else. Major kudos to your parents for finding her comment unacceptable & leaving too.

Jaya
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She wouldn't refer to him as her sister, because then everyone would definitely know he's trans, because he looks like a man. If they though she had a sister, she would have a problem with him coming to the BBQ at all, because they would immediately notice that her "sister" is masculine loooking. So she probably refers to him as her brother, and (except for possibly the scars) he probably looks so masculine that he "passes" as a man, so she doesn't want them to see the scars because that's how they might find out.

Load More Replies...
Tobias Reaper
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you should have stayed and if they actually noticed your scars say you went to jurassic park and the t-rex tried to eat you but you escaped

Jeevesssssss
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was younger and didn't give a rat's a**e about making people uncomfortable or social situations awkward (I was angry and miserable with Asperger's... at least now when I make people uncomfortable it's either for a specific reason or entirely obviously or accidentally!), if people asked about my extensive SH scars I would tell them I tried to rape a porcupine.

Load More Replies...
AJ
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sister is the AH. She wanted you to hide who you are (despite sounding like no one would have noticed anyway). The request is beyond rude. And after your parents called her out, then this must be your fault, right? No. Her behavior caused all sorts of problems. He behavior, not yours.

DC
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. First, your scars are your private issue to begin with. It doesn't even matter how you acquired them, or how anybody views the story of how they came to be. Second, there's nothing to be ashamed about. Just not caring ... I'm not really a fan of "don't ask, don't tell", but if honesty is, for whatever reason, no option, resorting to that is the least impolite. Your sister sucks. She may have some head-out-of-butting to do, maybe she's good inside and just her inlaws are conservatives or reactionarians ... but, if so, if it wasn't hers, she played THEIR game nevertheless. She's the one who chose this, she can blame herself. You're her brother, you were her sister, however you name and view it, it's for sure one thing very not - a problem of itself.

Nimitz
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

5 sisters here... Not trans but I'm gay and I've been asked to hide it around their in-laws/friends... It always hurts being asked to hide your truest self by those you trust

XenoMurph
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

US problems? In much of Europe this would have been fine before or after the op.

Fox with a Dragon Tattoo
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The one phrase "ask my sister why" says everything. If she couldn't explain things in a way that didnt blow things up, shes clearly the problem. And she called angry because thats how gaslighters play this stupid childish game.

Nicole Weymann
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Additional thought: "I don't want them to see the scars" - babe, as the only man wearing a shirt in a pool full of topless guys would make him stick out even more. Not to mention it was his ONLY shirt.

Load More Replies...
Bouche and Audi and Shyla, Oh My!
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The prison I was in housed the majority of trans people, as their safety wasn't guaranteed in male prisons. This went for both MtF and FtM transitions. Bras were required at all times. We were even supposed to sleep in them. This rule was enforced in populace, but not while we were in our rooms. It just seemed odd to me, though, forcing FtM trans people to wear a bra, even if they had fully transitioned, or had virtually no breasts because of hormone treatment. My last year there, the powers that be brought a gay man to our prison for his own protection. He was not trans. He was gay. He, like, all the other inmates, was required to wear a bra.

Ephemera Image
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Honestly, if I were at a pool party I would never even ask about a person's scars. If they felt free to tell me, that's fine. Otherwise none of my business. And really, I would not care.

Sky Render
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Probably wouldn't have even batted an eye if it had been a cis man who had had surgery to treat gynecomastia. Double standards are just so delightful.

Ace
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"You didn't have to cause all this drama if only you did as I asked".

Full of Giggles
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

That sentence had me yelling “oh hell no” out loud. Sister needs a btch slap back into reality.

Load More Replies...
Marla
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm just happy to see support for trans people on BP. Sometimes the comments get really messed up

Alexandra
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Your parents are awesome, that's one. Secondly, your sister treats you as her dirty little secret because she's afraid of what her in-laws might think of her. You are only 'presentable' if the in-laws are not present. That should tell you enough to go low or no contact with her, because she will not change.

Lori Sandoval
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I'm genuinely curious. Did her in-laws not notice that their daughter-in-law once had a sister but now has a brother? If the in-laws are remotely observant they probably already know and came to that pool party knowing daughter-in-laws brother would be there.

Load More Replies...
RAM31280
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA, OP did not ruin the BBQ, the sister did. Sis didn't want to start drama wither her husband's family, but she started it with her own family instead. If the in-laws are so Transphobic they run away in fear, let them run.

Szzone
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

So that's transphobic. If she is ashamed how her brother's identity will reflect on her,ahedoesn't really accept him. That's it.

Ephemera Image
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She's not her own person, merely a reflection of those around her apparently.

Load More Replies...
FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

If there was a chance it would be an issue, sister should have told the in laws, they are welcome to visit and be accepting, or not come.

FreeTheUnicorn
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

OP was certainly entitled to make a scene, but didn't. Anyone who is treated as an object of shame and not as a human being has. Right to whatever scene they want to make. Sounds like OP was more compassionate towards his sister than she was to him.

Natasha Clark
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA.. your sister wanted to look good or wholesome for the transphobic-in-laws, who's probably very conservative & it backfired on her ruining the bbq. She is beyond aware of your transition but clearly failed to discuss it with them as it's not an overnight thing. Leads me to believe she probably refer to you as her sister still instead of brother cause she's transphobic herself. Most likely halphobic, meaning supportive around you & not supportive around everyone else. Major kudos to your parents for finding her comment unacceptable & leaving too.

Jaya
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

She wouldn't refer to him as her sister, because then everyone would definitely know he's trans, because he looks like a man. If they though she had a sister, she would have a problem with him coming to the BBQ at all, because they would immediately notice that her "sister" is masculine loooking. So she probably refers to him as her brother, and (except for possibly the scars) he probably looks so masculine that he "passes" as a man, so she doesn't want them to see the scars because that's how they might find out.

Load More Replies...
Tobias Reaper
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

you should have stayed and if they actually noticed your scars say you went to jurassic park and the t-rex tried to eat you but you escaped

Jeevesssssss
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

When I was younger and didn't give a rat's a**e about making people uncomfortable or social situations awkward (I was angry and miserable with Asperger's... at least now when I make people uncomfortable it's either for a specific reason or entirely obviously or accidentally!), if people asked about my extensive SH scars I would tell them I tried to rape a porcupine.

Load More Replies...
AJ
Community Member
5 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Sister is the AH. She wanted you to hide who you are (despite sounding like no one would have noticed anyway). The request is beyond rude. And after your parents called her out, then this must be your fault, right? No. Her behavior caused all sorts of problems. He behavior, not yours.

DC
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

NTA. First, your scars are your private issue to begin with. It doesn't even matter how you acquired them, or how anybody views the story of how they came to be. Second, there's nothing to be ashamed about. Just not caring ... I'm not really a fan of "don't ask, don't tell", but if honesty is, for whatever reason, no option, resorting to that is the least impolite. Your sister sucks. She may have some head-out-of-butting to do, maybe she's good inside and just her inlaws are conservatives or reactionarians ... but, if so, if it wasn't hers, she played THEIR game nevertheless. She's the one who chose this, she can blame herself. You're her brother, you were her sister, however you name and view it, it's for sure one thing very not - a problem of itself.

Nimitz
Community Member
6 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

5 sisters here... Not trans but I'm gay and I've been asked to hide it around their in-laws/friends... It always hurts being asked to hide your truest self by those you trust

XenoMurph
Community Member
6 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

US problems? In much of Europe this would have been fine before or after the op.

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