I know I am going to get downvoted for this but I am on the side of the OP. Your sister in law's problems are her problems not yours. While I am all in favour of making reasonable adjustments to accommodate other people, expecting you to put a newly adopted dog into kennels for her visit is not what I would consider reasonable. I fully understand and sympathise with trauma and the anxiety it causes, I have been there myself, but expecting everyone to adapt and adjust to accommodate her is neither reasonable or fair. If she is unable or unwilling to get help and treatment for her mental health then she needs to accept that there are things that she won't be able to do if they are triggering for her.

I am so tired of hearing about people and their "triggers". That is a YOU problem, not a problem for everyone around you. If YOU can't handle a certain type of animal, or person, or situation, then it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to avoid it.

I was attacked by a Rottweiler when I was about 9… still have the scars. Wasn’t my dog but my dad’s bosses, my dad was the one who pulled her off me. I knew that dog since she was a pup and was also raised with dogs and cats, her owner was TA and she snapped for reasons I still can’t fathom (I think my friend and I were simply being too loud and she full on turned in the middle of a field during a walk (unleashed) and just charged me). Regardless, even at that age, I recognized it wasn’t fully the dogs fault. I’ve owned dogs since, and big ones. I can see the logic behind her fear but I also think shes overdramatize her “trauma”…. However, with saying that, people do deal with their own traumas to each their own. Still, that dog is adopted and in the middle of learning how to deal with his own trauma and it is 100% the owner’s responsibility to guide that process and an adult human should understand that and accept the compromises offered.

NTA. I have three dogs. My house is full of dog hair. Sometimes people who come over complain about the dog hair. Said complainers are told "THEY (the dogs) live here, YOU don't, sorry about the mess, there's a lint roller in the bathroom".

My dogs are my family. They come first for me. If the SIL has a problem, they could sleep at a hotel nearby if they think they can't sleep with a dog in the house. She has that option and it won't traumatize her to do it. Boarding an abused and recovering dog in a kennel for the Holidays is cruel and traumatizing itself. Not only that but there are diseases he could catch, especially the potentially fatal one going around now.

We have a dog. A sweet one, but as we are not visited very often, she isn't used to have visitors in her realm a.k.a. our apartment. Whenever someone comes in and it is not one of her favourite humans she barks. No biting, no jumping, just barking and following that human around as long as he or she is moving. So I am asking everyone If that is okay before I let anyone come in. Of course I send my dog to her blanket or just play or train with her so she is distracted and busy. If someone is not okay with this, she has to stay in a seperate room but this is for short visits only like craftpersons. I do not expect that everybody loves my dog like I do. If we can't take her with us to visit someone, we rather stay at home or meet outside where our dog can be held away from that person. No one have to love our dog but everyone have to respect that we set the rules.

NTA, my dog comes first. Someone should gift SIL a course of treatment for her dog phobia. It must be awful, I can't imagine having a fear of one of the purest things on earth.

I think I would have been more blunt lol like you're family but so is the dog and you're not even trying to include him as he also has trauma 🤣 give me a break, who TF tries to tell someone to board their dog in order for them to visit? That's entitled, and it would open the door for more BS like that...or set the bar for future visits and the dog doesn't deserve that. It all feels unnecessary and dramatic...and attention seeking. Nta for sure op.

A small dog bit a chunk of my upper lip off when i was a child leading to stitches by a plastic surgeon and a speech therapist. I have issues with little dogs near my face but they are my issues to deal with, not anyone else's to accommodate.

There'd be no way I'd keep the dog in a room for days while guest were at my house. A few hours maybe but not days. SIL & brother can stay in a motel while dog is in a seperate room when guest are at the house for a few hours of festivities. Or SIL & brother can host the gathering at their house.

Sorry your house your rules, hosting the holiday fell in to your lap. And your sister in law needs to respect that. they can stay somewhere else and still spend the holidays with you. And as a dog owner you are going to take care of him. Your sister in laws request to send him away is c**p, even if she has a child hood trama, hearing the word adopt wasnt directed toward her. And she took it over board. That's not her place to make requests like that. I would have reacted the same way. They are coming in to your home. And should figure out a way to make it work. I mean you tried making Accommodations for her and your brother to be there. But you should not have to sacrifice your dog for the holiday. Would I have worded it a little differently yes, but you got your point across as well.

I've been bit by dogs, unwanted by my parents, and have multiple issues mentally. You know what everyone tells me? Go get therapy or suck it up. I don't believe in being as tone deaf as telling someone to suck it up, but you should seek some help if even the barking is bothering you. What does she do knowing a neighbor's dog has the potential to crash through their door? What does she do if she hears barking next door? Can she not go for walks or jogs? Dogs are everywhere. If she's making the excuse that she wouldn't be able to handle even knowing all the dog is on another side of a door, she needs help. And yeah, I did not take OP's comment as a snark towards her being in foster care. That's something therapy can help too.

OP was harsher than needed, but I can see her point. However, I think there's a solution that wasn't mentioned (though I didn't read all the replies to the original post). The sister-in-law said she wouldn't be able to sleep with the dog in the house, so why not keep the dog in another room during the day, and then the sister-in-law and her husband spend their nights in a hotel? If the sister-in-law would still be too anxious, it might be time for her to put her big girl pants on and learn to deal with it, or maybe get some medication to relax her.

@Martin734 - agree. Op is not responsible for SILs issues.She is welcome but doggie stays.She can't deal - her problem. One could also simply move the festivities to SILs house - and all's resolved.

OP made other accommodations possible other than the one she isn't willing to consider: boarding her dog. She has been completely reasonable and while she may have not phrased what she said to Sylvia the best way, she's not an AH here. Neither is Sylvia really. Both stances are understandable. It's the situation that sucks and the current available/willing choices aren't amenable to either of them. So, obviously the person needing the accommodation needs to figure out what they're going to do. Where things stand, it's up to Sylvia and husband to figure out what's best for them. NAH. I agree that we should treat trauma with empathy and respect but that doesn't mean the entire world has to cater to that person's needs, especially when other options are available.

The dog lives there, Sylvia is a guest. If OP goes to visit her bro, could she ask him to keep Sylvia in another room, as she makes OP uncomfortable?

Her dog, her house, her rules. Why should this woman pay for a kennel, traumatize her dog, and spend the holidays without him because of the dramatics of SIL? Does SIL do this all the time? Is she a attention seeker that needs constant validation of how much you care? I'm asking because the comment OP made. It was cruel to say knowing full well of her past. Kinda seems like there is already underlying hostility. I would try to be considerate & compromise but it takes gall to even ask what she did and she shoots down every attempt at a compromise. I'm sorry but no 1 should be quilted into doing something they aren't comfortable with to accomodate the needs of 1 person. There was a dog on my flight the other day. What would SIL do? The world doesn't stop because we have a problem, It's up to us, as adults, to manage it & if that means SIL staying at hotel, then so be it. Or u can fib & say u can't find a vaccine tag so kennel wont take him 🤷 , then she'll have no choice but to comp

Why not have Christmas at James and SIL house? 🤔

Flat out. Sylvia is the A. Does she demand her neighbors to board their dogs? Sylvia has trauma about dogs, even their barking. Okay. So her neighbors must muzzle their pets to keep them quiet for Sylvia's sake? If she doesn't like dogs, it is not a requirement she go to OP's home. I call Sylvia an entitled Karen!

I think Sylvia should work on her own issues before trying to cause a rift. I'm scared of rats but I still visit my niece who has pet rats. At first I was rigid trying to keep them in sight but not look at them. I'm more relaxed now but still scared. I just love my niece more than I fear rats. Also, I have multiple other phobias but I'm an adult so I don't expect people to bend over backwards to facilitate me. I just put my big girl pants on and get on with it! That's what grown ups HAVE to do to function!

The man opened up his house because his parents house was unlivable. Why didn't the brother take the parents and the holiday meal? This would have fixed the entire situation. Why didn't the brother take up the holiday meal????

For God's sake, people are ridiculous. Everybody uses the word "adopt" when referring to taking in a pet, especially a rescue animal. If SIL chose to take that as an insult, that's on her, not OP. As it stands, OP does have a responsibility to her dog, shelters and animal charities are strict about who they adopt animals out to, OP probably had to jump tons of hoops to get approved to take in her animal. She's passionate about the dog and if SIL has a problem, so much of one she can't even be in the house if the dog is in it, she needs to stay in a hotel and maybe get some therapy. This is ridiculous, she's being ridiculous. And for the record, I'm not a dog person, but I would never demand a host board their dog while I was staying in their home

There would be a valid risk to your sil AND your dog if they were occupying the same space. You said “still working on retraining and socializing him, and SO FAR he’s been fine around MOST people.” You also said sil is “ petrified” her body language and terror will absolutely affect a sensitive or anxious dog and could cause an incident. If the dog is anxious around her and bites he could end up being put down by law and if he barks at your sil or gets to close she could have a panic attack severe enough to warrant a hospital visit. Really the situation sucks for both sil and dog. Unfortunately hosting Christmas at your house immediately excludes either dog or your brother and his wife and you made a choice. You can’t attack your sil for that and suggest she’s unreasonable to be upset and not be able to just go because she CAN’T. Trauma is not her choice or her being entitled and throwing it in her face absolutely shows a lack of compassion. I feel really sorry for her being excluded.

This Is a tough situation for everybody, imo... The dog owner can't be ordered by Sylvia to just rehome the dog for a few days. Sylvia can't be forced to be in the same space as the dog by the dog owner either. Unfortunately, Sylvia has to make a decision to avoid this trigger, and OP needs to accept that her adopting large, traumatized dog is going to split the family apart... If She didn't want that, she shouldn't have adopt the dog...

I think maybe OP could try to explain to her SIL that it was traumatizing for the dog to be fostered, because it was for her. If put that way maybe she will understand, but of course OP needs to apologize for the way she said that about him being adopted.

Don't like dogs or the accommodations then don't act a victim and don't come over

I saw my brother get nearly mauled to death when he was four and it left him permanently scarred. My brothers and I had a fear of dogs when we were children because of it. But as adults both my brothers and I love dogs now. I know this is a personal situation and not everyone is going to respond the same but trauma is something you have to learn to manage even if it takes years to do. My dog now is very important to me, I'm not pushing him out. Of course, if I knew it would be a stressful situation I would keep him somewhere else in the house for the most part but it seems here that isn't an option.