I think I screwed up again. On our first date, Shannon asked for my opinion about her weight and like an idiot I told her the truth. I said, “Well, if I’m totally honest…yeah, I think you may be a little too thin.” And that was it. At the end of the evening, I didn’t get even a single lipless kiss goodnight.

Cheryl was a dream come true. Really, other than her two tentacles for legs, she was everything I’d ever wanted in a woman.

I offered to drive on our date, but Supergirl said she knew a shortcut.

After our date, we went back to her place and things got…a little steamy. Honestly, I had no idea how I was going to satisfy her, but sometimes…you just need to dive right in and see what happens.

Rather than take me home, Hagela took me to her place out in the woods. She lived in a small hut made of sticks and mud, but we never went inside. Like two excited teenagers, we headed straight for the hot tub out back, and I jumped in. The hot water felt so good after the chilly ride, I just closed my eyes and inhaled the aroma of the fragrant steam. For some reason, it reminded me of my mother’s soup which was comforting. Then, through the smoke, I saw Hagela standing there holding what looked like a small wooden paddle with a naughty grin on her face. Oh, boy. This was gonna be fun. “Get in here,” I said.

It doesn’t get any better than sitting at sunset and playing “The Rainbow Connection” with your idol.

I was a little nervous to take Helen to the Zombie Ball. But after the first few dances, the more we talked and laughed, the less I worried about her eating my brain.

You know that feeling when you approach a new hippogriff…after you bow and he bows back, but before you actually touch him? Yeah, that’s scary every time.

I wouldn't call it a date. Bernie and I just sat and watched the setting sun. But we did connect enough for him to offer me one of his mittens.

Talk about a bad first date. I took her to my favorite restaurant, and she asked if I had any recommendations. "The chicken's delicious here," I said without thinking. And things got really awkward after that.

Bert and I got together to play cards, but he was so frustrating. All he did was talk about Ernie, Ernie, Ernie!

I took baby Rudolph to the flying animal park, and I was so happy to see him make a new friend right away.

Some women are just not meant to remarry.

My niece was down visiting me and I wanted to give her an authentic Florida experience.

As I helped him with his tie, I could tell Greg was nervous about his upcoming date. As he was 16 feet tall and was meeting a cute but stumpy aardvark for the first time, I could understand his apprehension.

"Ask me anything?" she said as we met in the warm water of the Gulf.
"What's all that mushy white stuff in your teeth?" I asked.
"Slow swimmers," she said and we both had a good laugh.
Then I got out of the water. Fast.

We met one night after work and she did not look happy. "Why the long face?" I asked.

When I accidentally pulled off Santa's mitten, I learned two things. 1) Why he always wears mittens, and 2) Why his last name is "Claws."

There's always time for one more selfie.

The Pumpkin Queen had long been sad,
A frown her only daily mood.
So when we met to start our date
I brought a better attitude.

I really wanted to impress the mermaid, so I went all out on the bouquet.

Prancer doesn't really like to have his antlers decorated; I know that. But he knows how much I like to do it, so he humors me. As I string the lights and hang the bulbs, he doesn't snort or get impatient or sigh like some reindeer might. He just stands there and waits and lets me be happy. True friends are like that.

I asked her to meet me out under the full moon and was hoping things would heat up. I could almost imagine her passionate breath in my ear.

After dinner, the stork took me for a ride around the lake. It was a perfect moment. But then, some dates are better than others.

It wasn't going to work. Yes, she was smart and older than she looked. And yes she was funny and cute and well read and all that. But she didn't say anything on her dating profile about being a peanut, and I was deathly allergic.

Ever since the scissors accident, kissing her has been a risk. But she is so worth it.

She ended up being an evil snowwoman. Luckily, I never go anywhere without my hairdryer.

I liked her right away. We met at the beach and she just said, "Hop in!"

Kimble promised he'd come find me when the first snow fell. I'm not sure where he came from but...there he was.

For anyone who thinks a horse might make a good kayak partner, think again. On our date around the lake, Philly didn’t pick up her paddle once.

Other than, "No, no. I think they look really natural," I tried hard not to talk about lips on our first date.

‘Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
not even a mouse.

Well, actually one mouse
was up stirring with me
Blending the milk in my
hot cup of tea.

She held a big spoon
moved it down and then up
As she stirred from the rim
of my Christmas teacup.

I watched her and waited
and enjoyed all the clinking
Of her spoon in the cup
that I soon would be drinking.

While I held her small saucer
trying hard not to spill it
Though it didn’t hold much
just a few drops could fill it.

But we weren’t in a hurry.
She could stir there all night
As the snow gently settled
As the sun lost its light.

Because after this year
that seemed never to end
It was just nice to spend time
stirring tea with a friend.

She asked if I wanted kids and I said, "Oh, yeah. A boy and a girl would be amazing." But I could tell that wasn't the answer she was hoping for. "How about you?" I asked back.

Heather sipped her sunflower tea and blinked her black beady eyes then said, "I don't know. I've always wanted a big family. When I was growing up, we had thirty-five babies a year throughout my mother's breeding lifecycle."

So that was kind of a deal breaker, but it was still a nice date. After dinner, as we walked along the beach, some samba music started playing somewhere in the distance, and we danced at the water's edge until long after the sunset faded and a star-filled sky appeared overhead.

Jennifer is not going to get the treat until she learns to sit properly. I hate to be strict with her, but my new puppies need to know I am the boss.

You know things are going well when your date feels comfortable enough to ask if she has something in her teeth.

When it came time to order, I took a guess. "I'll have the fish," I told the waiter, "and my date will have the roast beef."

She wanted to go snorkeling on our first date. But she had to do it her way.