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As we go through life, we cross paths with countless people every day. And while many of them have faced serious hardships, you wouldn’t always know it just by looking.
But if you pay attention, the signs are there. Maybe it’s the way they’re overly kind, always putting others first. Or how they apologize too much, even when there’s no reason to. Some become expert people-pleasers, doing everything they can to avoid conflict.
Redditors recently shared these and other subtle clues that reveal someone has been through a lot. Here’s what they had to say.
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#4
Zero tolerance for drama, b******t and toxic behaviour.
They're more likely to just walk away from friendships and relationships at the first sign.
Jay Scales 2 weeks ago
Yes, you see patterns in the small things and say 'Not dealing with that again!'
#5
People pleasing. Apologising too much. Internalised blame. Not being fazed by terrible things and finds very little to be really shocking. A good listener. Lack of boundaries. A loner. Quiet. Avoids people and crowds. Avoids drama. Doesn't really care about gossip, small talk or the mundane stuff. Doesn't have much to do with family.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know these things.
Edit: Thanks for my biggest up vote and response yet people. I don't feel so alone today.
There are good people in this world. Keep fighting and learning every day. ❤️.
Birgit M 2 weeks ago
For me, it's mainly the people pleasing. For example, I find it very difficult to ask for what I need or to stand up for myself when I think I'm being treated unfairly because I don't want others to feel uncomfortable or upset.
Tamra 2 weeks ago
You might want to ask yourself why it's okay for you to feel unhappy or upset, but it's not okay for anyone else to feel that way. Or, more importantly, why you must suffer so that others can be happy and comfortable. It takes a lot of courage and practice, but setting boundaries is life-changing. I'm 56, and one of my regrets is not learning to set healthy boundaries sooner.
Load More Replies... Birgit M 1 week ago
Thank you for your comment, Tamra. I was ‘raised’ to believe that I'm worthless and that all that matters is other people. I'm working on that in therapy now and it helps me a lot. .... just want to take the opportunity here: I've come across many of your comments here on BP and I think you are a great person!
Tyranamar Seuss 2 weeks ago
I have terrible trauma. The only time I don’t stand up for myself is when I’m worried I’ll be too aggressive. Bc I grew up fighting like mad for every bit of sanity I have. I had to stand up against my family or I would’ve drowned in their insanity. The trauma has made me confrontational. And of it’s for someone else I used to go down swinging. Until I realized they don’t really appreciate the effort. Now I let people fight more of their own battles.
Depressed Lesbian(she/they/he) 2 weeks ago
Ohh this is me. I apologized for asking my therapist for a snack, she told me not to apologize, and then I apologized for apologising. She had to ban the word sorry.
Evelien Stijger Martens 2 weeks ago (edited)
Once you learn how, nothing is better than asking for what ever you need, it's empowering. The people.easing will than stop. But it takes up to years to convince yourself of those things, but once it's there, it's the best. And you can stil be nice to everyone, unless they prove they don't deserve it.
Sarah Bailey 2 weeks ago
I find it difficult to stand up for myself sometimes because it doesn't affect the outcome and then I get treated like I'm the unreasonable one. Over the years I have mostly perfected the method of living my life like a ...."little old country lady life" keep to me and myself and my little family... as much as I can..... I don't live in the country and I still have to interact with society to survive.. but reality is most people just suck. I love my Bored Panda community. It's the only community I interact with. There's not alot of hate or judgment here that I've experienced. People are helpful, kind, and sincere that I have had experiences with. And thats what I try to share with people as well.
Anne Young 2 weeks ago
Ok yes apologizing. And it's uncomfortable when someone tells me not to. Like it's almost too warm or something.
StrangeOne 2 weeks ago (edited)
People pleasing has been getting me in so much trouble at work. I've noticed what my manager wants me to do counters the company values. They want me to work quickly, but they want me to be patient with customers. I'm pretty chill with customers, but it takes that one mentally unhinged customer who will go off on you for doing your job that sends any confidence you've had crashing down and fearing your livelihood, and then you start questioning your sanity when your mental stableness goes into question, and then you ask yourself what actually happened and if you just imagined your chill vibes and maybe were saying or doing something you didn't know you were doing.... Yeah I have a super toxic management that has been gaslighting me from day one. They doubled down when they realized I'm more self-aware than they thought I was. My mom is worse. She has to have the last word and win the "argument", so she would use anything I say, even admittance, against me from there on out.
Lesley Shore 2 weeks ago
I am a doormat. My husband and I have been through a lot and I don’t say NO very often. We are very nice, honest, loving people .
Tamra 2 weeks ago
It seems like someone, at some point in your life, made you feel that you weren't worthy of respect, or of setting healthy boundaries for yourself. It might be a good idea to ask yourself if you want to continue to believe that. I was raised in a way that also left me with absolutely zero self esteem. I learned later than those harmful ideas were forced onto me by someone else, and it was up to me to decide if I wanted to continue to believe it or not.
Blyss Blyssylb 3 days ago
I used to be a ppl pleaser just to be accepted. Now I accept the fact that most ppl aren't worth pleasing
SkippityBoppityBoo 1 week ago
Sorry for the late reply (See? Apologising!) It was busy on the pavements yesterday and I walked into a bollard and said "Sorry!" to it! I thought to myself - "Girl, yes you've been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety but apologising to a bollard is taking it to the extreme!" 😄... I do apologise too much though, even for things that are in no way my fault at all.
Lisa Whipp Myhre 1 week ago
Omgggg... loner, avoids crowds, avoids drama, gossip, small talk, etc. I'm not the only one?
Janine Randall 1 week ago
I worked for a Dr once who deliberately tried to fluster me. He said, "No matter what I throw at you, you never get upset." Do your best, I've been through way worse.
Catherine Hutt 1 week ago
I definitely grew up to be a people pleaser. My mother was a narcissist who heavily favoured my older brother. She’d praise me in public and criticize in private. Everyone thought she was some kind of saint, but I knew better. I cut her out of my life 6 years ago when she taunted me about being molested when I was a child. She died last August and I didn’t even go to her funeral. Didn’t want to be a hypocrite.
#6
Keeping themself distant from everyone. Not opening up.
Little Bit 2 weeks ago
Because I've been let down, hurt and abused by people who were supposed to look after me I find it hard to trust anyone and would rather keep people at arm's length than risk being hurt and abused again.
#7
They tend to keep a lot of information about themselves locked up for fear of it being used against them.
#8
In social situations they never ask people about their family. Mostly cuz they don’t want people asking them about theirs. That’s a new one my wife pointed out to me.
Lady Eowyn 2 weeks ago
I'm lucky, I can now honestly say I have no family left. It's just me and my service dog.
#9
We lose it over little things because we aren’t allowed to lose it over big things. Surprisingly reliable during high-stakes chaos but a tiny small thing will send us spiralling for days.
Little Bit 2 weeks ago
Sometimes we have so many big things to deal with that a small insignificant thing is enough to tip us over the edge. The final straw that broke the camel's back.
#10
They appreciate the tiniest things around them. They are super empathetic and kind. But they can also flip like a switch if you push too hard.
#11
Incredibly self aware, very open about some experiences, make jokes about trauma....
Enough about me! How are you doing?
#12
They have the ability to turn to stone at the snap.of a finger. Any past emotions, just gone.
#14
They instantly click with other people who have been through a lot of s**t before even realising the other person has been through a lot of s**t
No seriously it's like a sensor.
#15
They don’t like their birthdays celebrated.
Little Bit 2 weeks ago
Because at some point in their lives they've been made to feel like they're not worthy of any kind of celebration and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I know this feeling well.
#16
Sarcasm, thick skin, quick wit and dark humor.
#17
An uncanny ability to read past the literal words someone says and hear what they're really saying, even if they didn't want to tell you that.
#18
Being an "Empath ". People who grew up in incredibly abusive households, learn to be hyper aware of Incredibly subtle body language and speech, as a coping mechanism from violently unpredictable Relationships. They are often very in tune with the emotions of those around them.
#19
They apologize a lot for basically everything.
Heras buddy 2 weeks ago
Hardly ever apologize. Don't care what others think. I only worry about what animals feel about me. They're the only judge I care about.
#20
Extreme self-awareness is often present. Empathy and effort to understand as well.
*raspberry sound 2 weeks ago
I cannot continue reading this, this is all way too close to home
#21
How fast they can flip the switch and not put up with your s**t anymore.
EDIT: WOW! So appreciative of not only the thousands of upvotes but the hundreds of comments as well. I truly believe that having open discussions about things like this are the path to overcoming your difficulties and being successful. I also appreciate the numerous private messages that have been sent. Please know that I either have or plan to respond to every single one of them.
#22
Can't take a compliment because to them thats the start of manipulation. Also don't like gifts becuase they come with strings usually and they aren't prepared to have something else come back at them because they "accepted" the gifts.
Also likely fiercely independant, although you get the ones that go the other way and are too scared to do *anything* alone.
Heras buddy 2 weeks ago
Took me 58 years to like myself. But my dogs loved me and that was great. Now I don't think so lowly of myself.
#23
Unflappable. Nothing you could possible say could shock them. They appear to handle bad news well because of this, but it’s actually a shut down response.
#24
They’re angry, and resentful. I’m going against the grain here by saying this but as someone who has experienced child abuse and been blamed for it and been misunderstood my entire life, yeah, I’m angry and resentful.
Sorry.
Update: thanks everyone. To those who are going through similar, I feel you, a lot.
Lee Gilliland 2 weeks ago
Of course you are angry and resentful. At this point, I'm angry and resentful of the way you're being treated. I've been there. All I can say is it will get better and easier as you go along the path of your life.
#25
Their eyes don’t sparkle yet they are the kindest souls to ANYONE and EVERYONE.
Ty Stratton-Quirk 2 weeks ago
"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.'' -Anonymous
#26
Socially distant, not trusting of anyone.
#28
The eyes are a pretty good indicator. “Been through s**t eyes” seems to be a thing.
#29
Disassociation.
Magenta Blu 2 weeks ago
It is the only way to get through things. Going to whatever other place in your mind
#30
People who laugh and seem happy,try to make others laugh i believe can hide a lot of things behind that mask.
Poll Question
Which subtle sign do you believe most indicates someone has experienced trauma?
Being overly kind
Apologizing too much
Avoiding conflict
People-pleasing
What do you think ?
Huddo's sister 2 weeks ago
I think a lot of these are things people who have experienced trauma do experience, but they don't necessarily signify that is their experience. They fit for a lot of other things too, such as anxiety, depression etc (which may also be caused by trauma but not necessarily). So if you jump to them being traumatised you could be misjudging the situation.
Multa Nocte 2 weeks ago (edited)
Agreed. I worked as a clinical psychologist at an in-patient psychiatric hospital for a number of years, including forensics units, and I had to learn a lot of those responses. Luckily I had an awesome family background that protected me from the negatives that go with this, but I am still constantly on the alert where ever I am "just in case" and am ready to intervene if need be.
Load More Replies...
Lost Panda 2 weeks ago
By these posts, I guess I'm traumatized... Not saying they're wrong, or anything... Just find it interesting.
bElLa sTairZz 2 weeks ago
your grammar makes you sound a bit like you wear a fedora, and want to show people 'a glimpse into your dark and twisted mind'
Load More Replies... 
Little Bit 2 weeks ago
They keep a low profile and don't do anything to draw attention to themselves in case it makes them look vulnerable. They find it hard to trust anybody because they have at some point been let down by everyone . Nothing ever surprises them, nothing ever shocks them, They don't like help or being given gifts or treats from anyone and can't accept compliments because they feel they're not worthy of them. They avoid confrontation, take the blame for everything and over apologise. They're so used to bad stuff happening that they don't expect or even hope for anything else.
PunchinelloTX 2 weeks ago (edited)
75% of these apply to me. Trauma sires isolation. I’ve made myself useful by being the stand-by “dad.”‘ Though I thankfully have no children, I am the parental figure to a disparate bunch of adults. I’m the steady presence for my friends and family, quick with a joke, quick to offer aid, always there to listen. Dependable, courteous, compassionate. What’s most surprising to me is that of late, in the face of a major medical issue, my friends are frustrated because they want to help me. They want to hear about it, do things for me. They’re annoyed by my distance and stubborn independence. So now I have to learn to let some of that control go, stop being the “dad” all the time and accept the help and love. That’s even more difficult than the cancer.
Stannous Flouride 2 weeks ago
The number of upvotes on these, all of which I can relate to on at least some level, tells me much about my fellow Pandas. Stuff I've always suspected judged on the generally supportive atmosphere here and lack of tolerance for trolls.
bElLa sTairZz 2 weeks ago
how come the polls just filled with synonyms? all of those are people pleasing traits
Lady Eowyn 2 weeks ago
I think, and you did ask what I think, that you're poll options are always far too limiting.
Dilly Dally 2 weeks ago
Me and my older brother used to not be so great at doing homework, or getting assignments done. If you didn't get an assignment done, my dad would go crazy. I almost never cry when someone is angry at me, but when my dad does... I legitimately feel scared. even if it's my older brother who's being yelled at, I'm scared that will turn to me. Any time my parents call my name now, I have a mini panic attack. I once had a grade down in a class because I mistakenly entered a wrong assignment, and when my dad saw that grade, he said if I didn't get that grade up by the end of the term, he'd take away my art pad. permanently. even if I tried my best. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, wondering what might happen the next morning.
Max Fox 2 weeks ago
I will be downvoted on my posts here, because I wrote about how trauma erodes and reduces empathy, which goes against the preferred narrative of a bunch of people here. The facts show differently, and if a person who went through trauma thinks that it made them more empathetic, they are wrong. Empathy is just another brain function, and trauma messes with them all, with those that help survival being strengthened , and those that don't are weakened. Empathy is not a trait that helps with survival in a potentially traumatizing situation, but fear and aggression are.
Huddo's sister 2 weeks ago
I think a lot of these are things people who have experienced trauma do experience, but they don't necessarily signify that is their experience. They fit for a lot of other things too, such as anxiety, depression etc (which may also be caused by trauma but not necessarily). So if you jump to them being traumatised you could be misjudging the situation.
Multa Nocte 2 weeks ago (edited)
Agreed. I worked as a clinical psychologist at an in-patient psychiatric hospital for a number of years, including forensics units, and I had to learn a lot of those responses. Luckily I had an awesome family background that protected me from the negatives that go with this, but I am still constantly on the alert where ever I am "just in case" and am ready to intervene if need be.
Load More Replies... Lost Panda 2 weeks ago
By these posts, I guess I'm traumatized... Not saying they're wrong, or anything... Just find it interesting.
bElLa sTairZz 2 weeks ago
your grammar makes you sound a bit like you wear a fedora, and want to show people 'a glimpse into your dark and twisted mind'
Load More Replies... Little Bit 2 weeks ago
They keep a low profile and don't do anything to draw attention to themselves in case it makes them look vulnerable. They find it hard to trust anybody because they have at some point been let down by everyone . Nothing ever surprises them, nothing ever shocks them, They don't like help or being given gifts or treats from anyone and can't accept compliments because they feel they're not worthy of them. They avoid confrontation, take the blame for everything and over apologise. They're so used to bad stuff happening that they don't expect or even hope for anything else.
PunchinelloTX 2 weeks ago (edited)
75% of these apply to me. Trauma sires isolation. I’ve made myself useful by being the stand-by “dad.”‘ Though I thankfully have no children, I am the parental figure to a disparate bunch of adults. I’m the steady presence for my friends and family, quick with a joke, quick to offer aid, always there to listen. Dependable, courteous, compassionate. What’s most surprising to me is that of late, in the face of a major medical issue, my friends are frustrated because they want to help me. They want to hear about it, do things for me. They’re annoyed by my distance and stubborn independence. So now I have to learn to let some of that control go, stop being the “dad” all the time and accept the help and love. That’s even more difficult than the cancer.
Stannous Flouride 2 weeks ago
The number of upvotes on these, all of which I can relate to on at least some level, tells me much about my fellow Pandas. Stuff I've always suspected judged on the generally supportive atmosphere here and lack of tolerance for trolls.
bElLa sTairZz 2 weeks ago
how come the polls just filled with synonyms? all of those are people pleasing traits
Lady Eowyn 2 weeks ago
I think, and you did ask what I think, that you're poll options are always far too limiting.
Dilly Dally 2 weeks ago
Me and my older brother used to not be so great at doing homework, or getting assignments done. If you didn't get an assignment done, my dad would go crazy. I almost never cry when someone is angry at me, but when my dad does... I legitimately feel scared. even if it's my older brother who's being yelled at, I'm scared that will turn to me. Any time my parents call my name now, I have a mini panic attack. I once had a grade down in a class because I mistakenly entered a wrong assignment, and when my dad saw that grade, he said if I didn't get that grade up by the end of the term, he'd take away my art pad. permanently. even if I tried my best. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, wondering what might happen the next morning.
Max Fox 2 weeks ago
I will be downvoted on my posts here, because I wrote about how trauma erodes and reduces empathy, which goes against the preferred narrative of a bunch of people here. The facts show differently, and if a person who went through trauma thinks that it made them more empathetic, they are wrong. Empathy is just another brain function, and trauma messes with them all, with those that help survival being strengthened , and those that don't are weakened. Empathy is not a trait that helps with survival in a potentially traumatizing situation, but fear and aggression are.
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