Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
User submission
91
13.6K
Hey Pandas, Should I Leave My Husband Who’s Lost Interest In Me?
Moderator’s note:
If you find yourself disagreeing with this person’s actions, we encourage you not to downvote the post. Instead, kindly express your opinions in the comments. We recommend maintaining politeness and articulating your thoughts with well-constructed arguments.
I (47F) am wondering if I should leave my husband (47) so that he can be with someone better. I don’t believe he is physically attracted to me anymore, as he has been searching for nudes on the internet. I have also noticed him looking at other women and flirting when we are out in public. I don’t blame him for looking, as I am not attractive (short, overweight, small breasts).
If he wants to be with someone better and would be happier, then I would leave. I want him to be happy
Image credits: Priscilla Du Preez (not the actual photo)
So, should I leave and not tell him that I know I’m not good enough for him? Should I leave and tell him that I know I don’t make him happy?
Knowing I don’t please him and that he would rather be with someone else, I’m not sure I would be able to enjoy intimacy
Image credits: M. (not the actual photo)
Should I stay and tell him that I know I don’t make him happy? Should I stay but not say anything? Especially since I know that he’s internet exploring just before we are together.
I have really low self-esteem, and knowing all this makes me feel even worse about myself
Image credits: Hannah Xu (not the actual photo)
Additional info: married for 23 years, 2 older teenagers. I don’t think he has cheated on me. I won’t do an open marriage.
Moderator’s note:
Please note that the images included in this article are for illustrative purposes only and do not represent the actual individuals or items discussed in the story.
If you have a comparable experience or story you’d like to tell, we welcome your submissions. Click here to share your story with Bored Panda.
Poll Question
Thanks! Check out the results:
Newsletter
Subscribe to Access
Exclusive Polls
By entering your email and clicking Subscribe, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. You are also agreeing to our Privacy Policy.
Thank you! You've successfully subscribed to newsletters!
14Kviews
Share on Facebook
What do you think ?
Nichole Harris 5 months ago
Sweetheart... TALK to him!!! Sounds like y'all need some communication!!! And if you can't get y'all in some therapy!!!!
Bored something 5 months ago
As Nichole said talk to him. ASK him how he feels, don't put words in his mouth. He may well find other women attractive but it doesn't have to mean he loves you any less.
RavenCroft 5 months ago
I think you really need to address your self-esteem and self image problems with a licensed therapist as a lot of your concerns that you're bringing up stem from that. You assume that he'd be better off or that he can do better without you, but being married for as long as you have with children, if he wanted to leave he would have by now. You need to take care of your emotional wellbeing and quickly because if it's not addressed it'll ruin your relationship and your life.
Lynne Walker 5 months ago
One of our parish counselors told us that there was nothing wrong with using adult sites before intimacy...and as long as you two are still faithful to each other, let it go. Let's face it: there are images on the internet that are never going to resemble you and what you would ever look like or do, but as fantasy it's perfectly acceptable. But you need to have the conversation with him, to let him know your concerns. There's a chance it's about him, too, and he may also be reluctant to discuss.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago (edited)
Well, lets face it, if they need to visit adult sites to get excited, then no, you aren't attractive to them. Being 'faithful' physically does not stop the hurt of knowing you aren't what your SO wants. So how is she supposed to live with that comparison? She doesn't go around seeking men to compare him to. Which, I'm sure, he would find unattractive as well. Why does she have to do all the work in the relationship? Does he compliment her and tell her he loves her?
Load More Replies...
ginshun 5 months ago
You need to talk to him. As a man of roughly the same age, and one who has been married for roughly the same amount of time, I would encourage honest and open discussion before you do anything drastic. I suspect this is more about your low self esteem than it is about anything your husband is feeling, but I could be wrong. I do know that a man looking at nudes on the internet in no way means that he does not love and is not attracted to his wife. If him looking at nude women on the internet bothers you, then you need to tell him that specifically. It is very likely not any kind of reflection of his feelings toward you though. Again though, you need to talk to him about it, not take advise from some stranger on the internet.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago
Oh come on. He's literally telling her he needs more than she can provide to get excited. She isn't enough for him. I am tired of men saying 'It's Normal For Men' when they are hurting their spouses. If it's consensual that's fine, but flirting openly with other women? How much more plainly can he tell her he's bored with her. Why is it always HER INSECURITIES and not his assholery? The first thing you jump to is 'her Low Self Esteem? As always, blame the victim.
Load More Replies...
Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
He may surprise you and tell you that he's getting exactly what he wants from the relationship, he may not. We don't all want (or even like) the same shape woman. I wonder, though, whether it's actually you hiding your issues about him? Do you, perhaps, want out because you're not getting what you need, and can't confront your own feelings, so it's easier to do it "for him"? You'd have to talk to a professional about that.
Casuall ️ 5 months ago
Ok bbg! Lemme help you out!! Ok so far lemme. Just say I love you 💕 . It takes a lot to go out there and ask like that so period boo 👻 and also I think you should try some self-improvement activities. Although this may seem very harsh, that’s just the reality. You may think I am being harsh but you should try and look good for you, not him. Confidence is Key 🔑 and, you’ll easily gain some afterwards! I recommend not going to friends and family, because the truth is they will sugarcoat everything, leaving the actual honesty aside. but you should also know that your husband sounds like a 🥷, and doesn’t deserve you. Beauty isn’t everything! But I DO think you should talk to him about this ⛅️.ps I’m only 13 so it’s ok if you ignore this comment I love you💗and I hope u r ok 👌🏾 💋
Hannah Taylor 5 months ago
For a 13-year-old, your comments are quite astute.
Load More Replies...
Wysteria_Rose 5 months ago
Honey, you need a conversation with a professional. Number One: you need to love and respect yourself. Number Two: if you are leaving him, it should be FOR YOU, not doing him "a favor." Number Three: TALK TO HIM. Tell him how you're feeling. And best be telling him that flirting with other women in public with you right there is NOT okay.
Steve Dowell 5 months ago
My take: First, talk to him, openly, honestly, and without accusation or judgement. Second, seek therapy- you seem to have some other underlying issues. Third, have you tried to initiate intimacy with him, as in, you specifically engage him? If you are relying on him to start everything, he might have just given up on the intimacy part. He might be under the impression you don't find him attractive, or be trying to spare you since he might think you're not interested. This all goes back to the first point- COMMUNICATION! Don't just leave him after 23 years, but instead talk things out.
Natalie H 5 months ago
My dear, you are missing something huge here: YOU CAN BE ANY HEIGHT, ANY WEIGHT, HAVE ANY BOOB SIZE, AND STILL BE BEAUTIFUL!! I guarantee, that if you step out into the world, there will be men who find you beautiful. Your hubby sounds like an a*s. (Sorry) Maybe you should turn this around & start googling some beef cakes before intimacy, add pics of Jason Momoa all over your phone, & start noticing other men in front of him. Find out what YOU like, and you may realize that your husband isn’t the prize you thought he was.
Stephen Lyford 5 months ago
The OP should get individual and couples therapy first, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has her own personal self esteem issues she should discuss solo with a therapist, and also she needs to have her husband reveal why he's doing what he's doing, which is disrespectful to her and negligent as a partner.
yourfavoriteunjew 5 months ago
I'm surprised no one has brought up that it is TOTALLY inappropriate for him to flirt with and look at other women. That is not complete fidelity, and that includes looking at other women online. I think you should invest in personal and couple's counseling, just because it sounds like you are drowning in these emotions and having a professional can really be helpful to straighten things out. You deserve to see yourself as good enough for anyone, and to love yourself. Please disregard anyone telling you to make yourself sexier. It's just time to feel better and heal things.
Papa 5 months ago
Some would argue that there's nothing wrong with a little flirting when both individuals know it's not going anywhere, and they don't want it to.
Load More Replies... Casuall ️ 5 months ago
Ok bbg! Lemme help you out!! Ok so far lemme. Just say I love you 💕 . It takes a lot to go out there and ask like that so period boo 👻 and also I think you should try some self-improvement activities. Although this may seem very harsh, that’s just the reality. You may think I am being harsh but you should try and look good for you, not him. Confidence is Key 🔑 and, you’ll easily gain some afterwards! I recommend not going to friends and family, because the truth is they will sugarcoat everything, leaving the actual honesty aside. but you should also know that your husband sounds like a 🥷, and doesn’t deserve you. Beauty isn’t everything! But I DO think you should talk to him about this ⛅️.ps I’m only 13 so it’s ok if you ignore this comment I love you💗and I hope u r ok 👌🏾
Secret Squirrel 5 months ago
Think about what you want, and what your priorities are. Talk to your husband. Read Dan Savage.
Rahul Pawa 5 months ago (edited)
Divorce isn't going to help your self-esteem issues. Stop worrying about what your husband is doing or thinking. Focus on yourself first. Step 1) find a therapist. Learn how to process and communicate your feelings in healthy ways. Step 2) practice self care. Sleep, diet and exercise are crucial for mental and emotional health. Seek professional help for all of the above if needed. Listen to the professional, talk to them honestly about any concerns you have, come up with a plan and follow it. Step 3) find support and friends. Develop hobbies that you can do with others. Find something you can do to help your community and connect with others in the process. Look for volunteer opportunities. If you struggle with any kind of addiction, 12 step meetings can be a great resource and support system. Step 4) Talk to your husband honestly about how YOU feel. When you talk, stay on your side of the street. Talk about your feelings and needs, not what you think he feels about you. Let him speak for himself and listen to him as well instead of assuming you know already.
Rahul Pawa 5 months ago
I did all of the above and it has helped a lot. 1) I've been going to therapy for years now. 2) A couple years ago I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Got myself a c-pap and a weighted blanket, both have helped me tremendously. Last year I started going to the gym, and I worked with a personal trainer for 6 months. It was a great way to learn different exercises and build the habit. Earlier this year I started talking to a nutritionist and really started learning how to eat better and tracking my diet. 3) I started volunteering in my community regularly, found a board game group, and go to 12 step meetings almost every day. 4) I eventually told my wife how I felt and what I wanted. Found out she wanted out, so we got divorced. It could have easily gone the other way if she wanted it.
Load More Replies... K. LNU 5 months ago
As many have stated here before me, communication is key. You and your husband need to sit down and actually talk. Right now (according to your post) you are ASSUMING that he is unhappy in the marriage. Has he actually said this to you? (Verbal words, not implications) And while some may tell you couples counseling is needed; I honestly think you may need a therapist yourself. Someone that can help you gain that self-esteem you say you are lacking. Finally, you keep mentioning that you want him to be happy. My question to you: What will it take to make you happy? I've learned that I needed to love myself before anyone could truly love me. Two ex-husbands (and a great therapist) made me look, not at "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right with me." I hope you find what you need.
Ronald 5 months ago
You are the master of your destiny. If he fails to be intimate and you state you are overweight, ugly and short. You can go on a diet and exercise, make up and hairstyle, nicer clothes and accept your height. I prefer short women and the less attractive. You are a passionate woman but has been brow beaten which causes depression and self failure. There are many men who would have you as a close friend and lover. If you are close to Wilmington Delaware, my wife and I would like to begin a nice friendship. We are STRAIGHT
Sunflower Nesbitt (Post author) 5 months ago
I did speak with him asking him if he wanted me or wanted me to leave. He said no. I told him I knew he was trolling the internet for nudes and porn. He told me he wasn't. I didn't have the courage to get his phone and show him the proof(?) . Now I see that he has deleted all all his searches. He says he loves his life and he loves me, but I'm still not sure. Thanks for all the advice.
Nichole Harris 5 months ago
Sweetheart... TALK to him!!! Sounds like y'all need some communication!!! And if you can't get y'all in some therapy!!!!
Bored something 5 months ago
As Nichole said talk to him. ASK him how he feels, don't put words in his mouth. He may well find other women attractive but it doesn't have to mean he loves you any less.
RavenCroft 5 months ago
I think you really need to address your self-esteem and self image problems with a licensed therapist as a lot of your concerns that you're bringing up stem from that. You assume that he'd be better off or that he can do better without you, but being married for as long as you have with children, if he wanted to leave he would have by now. You need to take care of your emotional wellbeing and quickly because if it's not addressed it'll ruin your relationship and your life.
Lynne Walker 5 months ago
One of our parish counselors told us that there was nothing wrong with using adult sites before intimacy...and as long as you two are still faithful to each other, let it go. Let's face it: there are images on the internet that are never going to resemble you and what you would ever look like or do, but as fantasy it's perfectly acceptable. But you need to have the conversation with him, to let him know your concerns. There's a chance it's about him, too, and he may also be reluctant to discuss.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago (edited)
Well, lets face it, if they need to visit adult sites to get excited, then no, you aren't attractive to them. Being 'faithful' physically does not stop the hurt of knowing you aren't what your SO wants. So how is she supposed to live with that comparison? She doesn't go around seeking men to compare him to. Which, I'm sure, he would find unattractive as well. Why does she have to do all the work in the relationship? Does he compliment her and tell her he loves her?
Load More Replies... ginshun 5 months ago
You need to talk to him. As a man of roughly the same age, and one who has been married for roughly the same amount of time, I would encourage honest and open discussion before you do anything drastic. I suspect this is more about your low self esteem than it is about anything your husband is feeling, but I could be wrong. I do know that a man looking at nudes on the internet in no way means that he does not love and is not attracted to his wife. If him looking at nude women on the internet bothers you, then you need to tell him that specifically. It is very likely not any kind of reflection of his feelings toward you though. Again though, you need to talk to him about it, not take advise from some stranger on the internet.
Ephemera Image 5 months ago
Oh come on. He's literally telling her he needs more than she can provide to get excited. She isn't enough for him. I am tired of men saying 'It's Normal For Men' when they are hurting their spouses. If it's consensual that's fine, but flirting openly with other women? How much more plainly can he tell her he's bored with her. Why is it always HER INSECURITIES and not his assholery? The first thing you jump to is 'her Low Self Esteem? As always, blame the victim.
Load More Replies... Apatheist Account2 5 months ago
He may surprise you and tell you that he's getting exactly what he wants from the relationship, he may not. We don't all want (or even like) the same shape woman. I wonder, though, whether it's actually you hiding your issues about him? Do you, perhaps, want out because you're not getting what you need, and can't confront your own feelings, so it's easier to do it "for him"? You'd have to talk to a professional about that.
Casuall ️ 5 months ago
Ok bbg! Lemme help you out!! Ok so far lemme. Just say I love you 💕 . It takes a lot to go out there and ask like that so period boo 👻 and also I think you should try some self-improvement activities. Although this may seem very harsh, that’s just the reality. You may think I am being harsh but you should try and look good for you, not him. Confidence is Key 🔑 and, you’ll easily gain some afterwards! I recommend not going to friends and family, because the truth is they will sugarcoat everything, leaving the actual honesty aside. but you should also know that your husband sounds like a 🥷, and doesn’t deserve you. Beauty isn’t everything! But I DO think you should talk to him about this ⛅️.ps I’m only 13 so it’s ok if you ignore this comment I love you💗and I hope u r ok 👌🏾 💋
Hannah Taylor 5 months ago
For a 13-year-old, your comments are quite astute.
Load More Replies... Wysteria_Rose 5 months ago
Honey, you need a conversation with a professional. Number One: you need to love and respect yourself. Number Two: if you are leaving him, it should be FOR YOU, not doing him "a favor." Number Three: TALK TO HIM. Tell him how you're feeling. And best be telling him that flirting with other women in public with you right there is NOT okay.
Steve Dowell 5 months ago
My take: First, talk to him, openly, honestly, and without accusation or judgement. Second, seek therapy- you seem to have some other underlying issues. Third, have you tried to initiate intimacy with him, as in, you specifically engage him? If you are relying on him to start everything, he might have just given up on the intimacy part. He might be under the impression you don't find him attractive, or be trying to spare you since he might think you're not interested. This all goes back to the first point- COMMUNICATION! Don't just leave him after 23 years, but instead talk things out.
Natalie H 5 months ago
My dear, you are missing something huge here: YOU CAN BE ANY HEIGHT, ANY WEIGHT, HAVE ANY BOOB SIZE, AND STILL BE BEAUTIFUL!! I guarantee, that if you step out into the world, there will be men who find you beautiful. Your hubby sounds like an a*s. (Sorry) Maybe you should turn this around & start googling some beef cakes before intimacy, add pics of Jason Momoa all over your phone, & start noticing other men in front of him. Find out what YOU like, and you may realize that your husband isn’t the prize you thought he was.
Stephen Lyford 5 months ago
The OP should get individual and couples therapy first, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She has her own personal self esteem issues she should discuss solo with a therapist, and also she needs to have her husband reveal why he's doing what he's doing, which is disrespectful to her and negligent as a partner.
yourfavoriteunjew 5 months ago
I'm surprised no one has brought up that it is TOTALLY inappropriate for him to flirt with and look at other women. That is not complete fidelity, and that includes looking at other women online. I think you should invest in personal and couple's counseling, just because it sounds like you are drowning in these emotions and having a professional can really be helpful to straighten things out. You deserve to see yourself as good enough for anyone, and to love yourself. Please disregard anyone telling you to make yourself sexier. It's just time to feel better and heal things.
Papa 5 months ago
Some would argue that there's nothing wrong with a little flirting when both individuals know it's not going anywhere, and they don't want it to.
Load More Replies... Casuall ️ 5 months ago
Ok bbg! Lemme help you out!! Ok so far lemme. Just say I love you 💕 . It takes a lot to go out there and ask like that so period boo 👻 and also I think you should try some self-improvement activities. Although this may seem very harsh, that’s just the reality. You may think I am being harsh but you should try and look good for you, not him. Confidence is Key 🔑 and, you’ll easily gain some afterwards! I recommend not going to friends and family, because the truth is they will sugarcoat everything, leaving the actual honesty aside. but you should also know that your husband sounds like a 🥷, and doesn’t deserve you. Beauty isn’t everything! But I DO think you should talk to him about this ⛅️.ps I’m only 13 so it’s ok if you ignore this comment I love you💗and I hope u r ok 👌🏾
Secret Squirrel 5 months ago
Think about what you want, and what your priorities are. Talk to your husband. Read Dan Savage.
Rahul Pawa 5 months ago (edited)
Divorce isn't going to help your self-esteem issues. Stop worrying about what your husband is doing or thinking. Focus on yourself first. Step 1) find a therapist. Learn how to process and communicate your feelings in healthy ways. Step 2) practice self care. Sleep, diet and exercise are crucial for mental and emotional health. Seek professional help for all of the above if needed. Listen to the professional, talk to them honestly about any concerns you have, come up with a plan and follow it. Step 3) find support and friends. Develop hobbies that you can do with others. Find something you can do to help your community and connect with others in the process. Look for volunteer opportunities. If you struggle with any kind of addiction, 12 step meetings can be a great resource and support system. Step 4) Talk to your husband honestly about how YOU feel. When you talk, stay on your side of the street. Talk about your feelings and needs, not what you think he feels about you. Let him speak for himself and listen to him as well instead of assuming you know already.
Rahul Pawa 5 months ago
I did all of the above and it has helped a lot. 1) I've been going to therapy for years now. 2) A couple years ago I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Got myself a c-pap and a weighted blanket, both have helped me tremendously. Last year I started going to the gym, and I worked with a personal trainer for 6 months. It was a great way to learn different exercises and build the habit. Earlier this year I started talking to a nutritionist and really started learning how to eat better and tracking my diet. 3) I started volunteering in my community regularly, found a board game group, and go to 12 step meetings almost every day. 4) I eventually told my wife how I felt and what I wanted. Found out she wanted out, so we got divorced. It could have easily gone the other way if she wanted it.
Load More Replies... K. LNU 5 months ago
As many have stated here before me, communication is key. You and your husband need to sit down and actually talk. Right now (according to your post) you are ASSUMING that he is unhappy in the marriage. Has he actually said this to you? (Verbal words, not implications) And while some may tell you couples counseling is needed; I honestly think you may need a therapist yourself. Someone that can help you gain that self-esteem you say you are lacking. Finally, you keep mentioning that you want him to be happy. My question to you: What will it take to make you happy? I've learned that I needed to love myself before anyone could truly love me. Two ex-husbands (and a great therapist) made me look, not at "what is wrong with me?" but "what is right with me." I hope you find what you need.
Ronald 5 months ago
You are the master of your destiny. If he fails to be intimate and you state you are overweight, ugly and short. You can go on a diet and exercise, make up and hairstyle, nicer clothes and accept your height. I prefer short women and the less attractive. You are a passionate woman but has been brow beaten which causes depression and self failure. There are many men who would have you as a close friend and lover. If you are close to Wilmington Delaware, my wife and I would like to begin a nice friendship. We are STRAIGHT
Sunflower Nesbitt (Post author) 5 months ago
I did speak with him asking him if he wanted me or wanted me to leave. He said no. I told him I knew he was trolling the internet for nudes and porn. He told me he wasn't. I didn't have the courage to get his phone and show him the proof(?) . Now I see that he has deleted all all his searches. He says he loves his life and he loves me, but I'm still not sure. Thanks for all the advice.
Related on Bored Panda
22
36