198 Funny Short Jokes To Keep In Your Back Pocket

#1

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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28points

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Pirates of Zen Pants 2 years ago

And why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet? It’s made with hole milk.

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#2

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It’s okay. He woke up.

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25points

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Abnus 1 year ago (edited)

What is it with all the bots all of a sudden?

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#3

What did one hat say to the other?
You wait here. I’ll go on a head.

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24points

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Abnus 1 year ago (edited)

But seriously, 5 bots in a row?

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#4

The Pentagon was originally going to just be a square but the contractor kept cutting corners.

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23points

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Not Telling 2 years ago

Lol

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#5

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

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22points

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Peter James 2 years ago

God bless Dr Chalopa for I was diagnosed of Herpes since 2012. I took my medications seriously but I wasn’t satisfied, I wanted it out of my system so i contacted a family doctor for help, he then introduced me to Dr chalopa. Then i decided to take a leap of faith. Now I’m so glad to say I am totally free from Herpes virus 🦠. You can as well contact the doctor for Diabetes and other STI infections via Email: drchalopa@gmail.com or via is website: https://drchalopa.weebly.com/ Thank you so much doctor chalopa.

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#6

What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?
The space bar.

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22points

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Not Telling 2 years ago

Lol (just commenting because spam is on top comment).

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#7

What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1.

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22points

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Stormy 2 years ago

🤣❤️🤣

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#8

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.

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22points

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SCP 4666 2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#9

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things, literally.

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21points

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Stormy 2 years ago

🤣 Love it! My best friend HATES puns…saving this to torture her!

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#10

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

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20points

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Julia Mckinney 2 years ago

Or does it?!?!? Dunh-dunh- dunh!

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#11

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.

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20points

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Peter James 2 years ago

God bless Dr Chalopa for I was diagnosed of Herpes since 2012. I took my medications seriously but I wasn’t satisfied, I wanted it out of my system so i contacted a family doctor for help, he then introduced me to Dr chalopa. Then i decided to take a leap of faith. Now I’m so glad to say I am totally free from Herpes virus 🦠. You can as well contact the doctor for Diabetes and other STI infections via Email: drchalopa@gmail.com or via is website: https://drchalopa.weebly.com/ Thank you so much doctor chalopa.

-1point

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#12

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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20points

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Peter James 2 years ago

God bless Dr Chalopa for I was diagnosed of Herpes since 2012. I took my medications seriously but I wasn’t satisfied, I wanted it out of my system so i contacted a family doctor for help, he then introduced me to Dr chalopa. Then i decided to take a leap of faith. Now I’m so glad to say I am totally free from Herpes virus 🦠. You can as well contact the doctor for Diabetes and other STI infections via Email: drchalopa@gmail.com or via is website: https://drchalopa.weebly.com/ Thank you so much doctor chalopa.

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#13

My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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20points

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Addi Moore 2 years ago

🤌

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#14

Rest in peace to boiling water. You will be mist.

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19points

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Peter James 2 years ago

God bless Dr Chalopa for I was diagnosed of Herpes since 2012. I took my medications seriously but I wasn’t satisfied, I wanted it out of my system so i contacted a family doctor for help, he then introduced me to Dr chalopa. Then i decided to take a leap of faith. Now I’m so glad to say I am totally free from Herpes virus 🦠. You can as well contact the doctor for Diabetes and other STI infections via Email: drchalopa@gmail.com or via is website: https://drchalopa.weebly.com/ Thank you so much doctor chalopa.

-1point

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#15

Can February march?
No, but April may.

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19points

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Stormy 2 years ago

🤣❤️🤣

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#16

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?
"HDMI."

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19points

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Anthony Nizza 2 years ago

This is a good one!

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#17

What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.

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18points

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Peter James 2 years ago

God bless Dr Chalopa for I was diagnosed of Herpes since 2012. I took my medications seriously but I wasn’t satisfied, I wanted it out of my system so i contacted a family doctor for help, he then introduced me to Dr chalopa. Then i decided to take a leap of faith. Now I’m so glad to say I am totally free from Herpes virus 🦠. You can as well contact the doctor for Diabetes and other STI infections via Email: drchalopa@gmail.com or via is website: https://drchalopa.weebly.com/ Thank you so much doctor chalopa.

-1point

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#18

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

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17points

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#19

I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.

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17points

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#20

I have many jokes about rich kids — sadly none of them work.

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17points

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Stormy 2 years ago

Perfect! 🤣

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#21

What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”

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16points

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Logan Hannah 1 year ago

I really gotta appreciate the only herbal doctor that was able to cure me from herpes 1&2 virus after I got infected with that nasty disease, I'm happy that's a thing of the past now. contact Dr.Excel today he is also here in Colorado. email Excelherbalcure@gmail.com call and send message on WhatsApp +1 [204] 410-4511 his website https://excelherbalcure.com

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#22

Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.

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15points

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#23

What do you call a guy who’s really loud?
Mike.

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15points

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Johnny Black 2 years ago

What do you call a woman who's really loud?

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#24

What did the ghost call his Mum and Dad?
His transparents.

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15points

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GayBoi 2 years ago

Me, transgender: *Cough*

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#25

Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
All of the fans left.

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14points

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#26

Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.

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14points

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DJ Oetken 2 years ago

Because seven was a registered six offender.

3points

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#27

What do you call bears with no ears?
B.

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14points

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Stormy 2 years ago

😏❤️

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#28

How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.

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13points

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#29

How does Moses make tea?
He brews.

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13points

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Bored Retsuko 2 years ago

😖

2points

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#30

How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it.

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13points

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#31

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

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13points

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#32

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

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12points

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Stormy 2 years ago

❤️ this so much as a former publication designer.

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#33

What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.

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12points

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#34

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

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12points

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#35

What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.

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12points

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#36

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.

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12points

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#37

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and… Cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

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11points

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Cynthia Walker 2 years ago

ROFLMAO

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#38

What did the Baby Corn say to the Mama Corn?
“Where is Pop Corn?”

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11points

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#39

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.

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11points

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#40

What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
"Dam."

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11points

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#41

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

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10points

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#42

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.

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10points

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#43

How do poets say hello?
"Hey, haven’t we metaphor?"

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10points

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#44

Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

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10points

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#45

How do you throw a space party?
You planet.

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10points

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#46

Want to hear a construction joke?
Oh never mind, I’m still working on that one.

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10points

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Liisa Kemp 2 years ago

What did the 0 say to the 8?? Nice belt

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#47

Why did the gym close down?
It just didn’t work out!

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10points

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#48

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
Envelope.

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10points

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#49

How do trees get online?
They just log on.

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10points

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#50

How does the ocean say hi?
It waves!

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10points

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#51

What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.

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10points

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Julia Mckinney 2 years ago

Ok, holding my nose, running into the night screaming now!

1point

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#52

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.

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10points

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#53

Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

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10points

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#54

Why are pizza jokes the worst?
They’re too cheesy.

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10points

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#55

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Thanks — I’ll never part with it!

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9points

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#56

What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!

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9points

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#57

What do you call a pony with a cough?
A little horse.

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9points

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#58

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye matey.

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9points

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#59

Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibition?
Because it was cultured.

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9points

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#60

What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!

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9points

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#61

Why does a seagull fly over the sea?
Because if it flew over the bay, it would be a baygull.

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9points

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Stormy 2 years ago

🤣 good one!

0points

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#62

Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because their parents were in a jam.

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9points

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#63

Why won’t peanut butter tell you a secret?
He’s afraid you’ll spread it.

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9points

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#64

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

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8points

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#65

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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8points

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Mallory Morton 2 years ago

This comment has been deleted.

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#66

Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank the coffee before it was cool.

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8points

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#67

Why did the M&M go to school?
It wanted to be a Smartie.

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8points

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#68

Why couldn’t the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

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8points

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#69

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?
A palm tree!

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8points

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#70

What do you call cheese that belongs to someone else?
Nacho cheese!

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8points

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#71

Why don’t you ever see giraffes in middle school?
Because they’re all in high school.

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8points

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#72

What did the bathtub say to the toilet?
“You look flushed!”

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8points

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#73

How do you talk to a giant?
Use big words.

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8points

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#74

What do you call a magic dog?
A labracadabrador.

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7points

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#75

Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.

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7points

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#76

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.

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7points

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#77

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

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7points

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#78

How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

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7points

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#79

What was a more useful invention than the first telephone?
The second telephone.

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7points

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#80

I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!

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6points

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#81

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

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6points

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#82

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

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6points

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#83

Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.

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6points

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#84

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

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6points

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#85

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.

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6points

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#86

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.

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6points

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#87

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

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6points

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#88

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
"Bison!"

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6points

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#89

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

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6points

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#90

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

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6points

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#91

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

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6points

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#92

Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Right where you left it.

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6points

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Kristine Wick 2 years ago

That reminds me… What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow that just gave birth? DeCALFinated.

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#93

What did one traffic light say to the other?
Stop looking! I’m changing!

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6points

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#94

What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad.

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6points

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#95

Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.

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6points

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#96

Where does the sheep get his hair cut?
The baa baa shop!

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6points

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#97

What do kids play when their mom is using the phone?
Bored games.

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6points

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#98

What’s the smartest insect?
A spelling bee!

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6points

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#99

What is fast, loud and crunchy?
A rocket chip.

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6points

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#100

Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner?
Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

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6points

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#101

What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.

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6points

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#102

What’s a cat’s favorite dessert?
A bowl full of mice-cream.

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6points

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#103

Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano!

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6points

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#104

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!

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6points

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#105

Why do birds fly south in the winter?
It’s faster than walking.

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6points

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#106

What did the lava say to his girlfriend?
“I lava you!”

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6points

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#107

Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

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6points

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#108

What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.

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6points

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#109

What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
"That hit the spot!"

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6points

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#110

What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

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6points

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#111

Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.

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6points

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#112

What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

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6points

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#113

Why did the peanut get into a rocket?
He wanted to be an astro-nut!

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6points

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#114

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them right back.

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6points

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#115

What’s the difference between a car and a fish?
You can tune a car but you can’t tuna fish.

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6points

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#116

Who eats snails?
People who don’t like fast food.

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6points

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#117

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

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5points

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#118

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

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5points

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#119

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

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5points

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#120

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

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5points

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#121

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

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5points

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#122

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

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5points

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#123

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

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5points

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#124

What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

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5points

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#125

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”

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5points

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#126

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

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5points

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#127

What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?
A parrot.

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5points

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#128

Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.

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5points

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#129

What do you call a rooster staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.

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5points

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#130

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.

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5points

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#131

Why can’t male ants sink?
They’re buoy-ant.

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5points

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#132

Talk is cheap? Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

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5points

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#133

Why doesn’t the sun go to college?
Because it has a million degrees!

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5points

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#134

How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.

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5points

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#135

Where do fish sleep?
In the riverbed.

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5points

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#136

What has ears but cannot hear?
A cornfield.

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5points

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#137

What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach?
“Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

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5points

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#138

Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!

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5points

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#139

What social event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

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5points

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#140

What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

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5points

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#141

Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!

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5points

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#142

What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.

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5points

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#143

How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.

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5points

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#144

Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills.

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5points

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#145

How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

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5points

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#146

When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

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5points

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#147

How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge.

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5points

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#148

Where do most horses live?
In neighhh-borhoods!

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5points

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#149

Why did the Daddy Rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.

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5points

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#150

Which planet loves to sing?
Nep-tune!

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5points

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#151

What’s a private investigator’s favorite shoe?
Sneak-ers.

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5points

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#152

What did the limestone say to the geologist?
"Don’t take me for granite!"

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5points

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#153

How do billboards talk?
Sign language.

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5points

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#154

What do you call a duck that gets good grades?
A wise quacker.

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5points

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#155

What kind of keys are sweet?
Cookies!

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5points

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#156

Why was the belt arrested?
Because it was holding up some pants.

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5points

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#157

What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.

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5points

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#158

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.

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5points

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#159

What do you call an old snowman?
A glass of water.

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5points

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#160

Why did the banana visit the doctor?
She wasn’t peeling well.

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5points

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#161

What’s a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hiss-tory.

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5points

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#162

What animal is always at a baseball game?
A bat.

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5points

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#163

What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

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5points

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#164

You know what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.

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5points

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#165

Here, I bought you a calendar. Your days are numbered now.

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5points

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#166

Some people think prison is one word… But to robbers it's the whole sentence.

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5points

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#167

I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.

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5points

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#168

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.

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5points

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#169

What do wooden whales eat?
Plankton.

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5points

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#170

God said to Moses, "Come forth and inherit the world!". But he came fifth and won a toaster.

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5points

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#171

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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4points

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#172

How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.

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4points

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#173

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

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4points

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#174

Where does Batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.

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4points

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#175

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?
Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

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4points

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#176

Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
It needed help figuring out its problems.

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4points

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#177

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.

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4points

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#178

Why is England the wettest country?
Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.

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4points

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#179

What are shark’s two most favorite words?
"Man overboard!"

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4points

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#180

Why are ghosts such bad liars?
Because they are easy to see through.

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4points

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#181

Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

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4points

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#182

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

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4points

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#183

What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilANTe!

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#184

Why are snails slow?
Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

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#185

What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

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#186

What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.

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#187

Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!

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#188

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

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#189

What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.

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#190

What board game does the sky love to play?
Twister.

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#191

What do you call a tired bull?
A bulldozer.

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#192

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it would go over your head.

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#193

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it was feeling a little crummy.

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#194

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.

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#195

Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his leg muscles so much as a kid?
He was a little Thor.

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#196

It's cleaning day so naturally, I've already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

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#197

The people of Saudi Arabia don't like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi do.

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Chazz Allura 10 months ago

I want to share this great story to the world about how I was cured from HSV1&2 with herbal medication, I was nervous when I first contact this herbalist about the cure for HSV but I still decided to give him a try because I was desperate to get cured and be free from HSV. he prepared the herbal medication and sent it to me through Dhl delivery company which I use just the way he instructed me. I'm glad to be a beneficiary of this herbal cure! I went back to the hospital after waitin two to three weeks I tested Negative for the virus after all the symptoms had long gone! If you are going through the same situation you can contact him on his website https://excelherbalcure.com don't live all your life with such nasty viruses, it's not worth it.

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#198

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?
His car got toad away.

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martha reigh 1 year ago

I had symptoms of genital herpes was appearing, I took the healing process by contacting herbalist excel for natural treatment it works wonders, amazingly ever since I had the herbal treatment I have not feel these horrible disease anymore and my doc told me the virus is gone, I am glad I finally got cured out from this horrible disease' every hsv patients should also get in touch with this herbalist Dr to get off these disease forever his web https://excelherbalcure.com and his number +1 (204) 410 4511

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