Disheveled hair, coke bottle glasses, suspiciously off-white scrubs, and not a single grain of humor—do you still have this notion in your mind when thinking about scientists? Well, not only are they actually perfectly capable of combing their hair and washing their lab coats, but more often than not, they could blow you away with their clever jokes. You know, in reality, having the smarts relates closely to having a great sense of humor! Although their science jokes might be a bit nerdy, a bit kooky, or hardly understandable without some scientific background, they are nevertheless close to genius. Some of them cover the life achievements of famous scientists, others make subtle fun of Mendeleev’s table of elements and some are purely based on some rather suspicious sciency terms. A joke for everyone, really!
For instance, while helium is already inherently funny (just look at helium balloons… aren’t they just amazing and hilarious at the same time?) it’s still even more fun when there’s a clever pun or two attached to the name. Or how about Pavlov’s experiments—are you already salivating for a joke (ba-dum tss)? Let’s not forget such curiosities as minerals, the wondrous qualities of neutrons, or even mysterious parallel universes—how exciting is that!?
To awaken your inner scientist, or to gloat about just how smart you are for getting each of these jokes, scroll just a bit further down to see our list of hand-picked science jokes. We do not guarantee that you will be able to put your phone down after you’ve finished, since there are quite a few instances where helium is mentioned. Get it? Anyway, just have a go at these smart jokes, vote for the ones that you liked the best, and share this article with your friends, neighbors, and the girl you once met.
Why don’t aliens visit our Solar System?
They read the reviews – just one star.
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I was going to tell a joke about sodium, but Na.
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A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”
“Time travel.”
“When do we want it?”
“Irrelevant.”
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How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
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What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
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There are only bad science jokes left.
All the good ones argon.
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Do you know the name Pavlov?
It rings a bell.
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What does one tectonic plate say when it bumps into another?
“Sorry. My fault!”
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There’s a new theory on inertia, but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
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How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding? That’s a hardware problem!
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If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0.
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What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.
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There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don’t.
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Why did the bacteria fail the math test?
He thought multiplication was the same as division.
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What does a subatomic duck say?
Quark.
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What did one decimal say to the number?
“Did you get my point?”
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They have just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
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Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's 0K now.
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An infectious disease walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
It replies, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”
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One mouse to another: “Look at that fellow with a white coat on. Whenever I push the paddle, he starts writing something!”
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I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
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If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
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What kind of dog does a scientist have?
A lab.
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When the astronomy department found out their famous professor wouldn’t get the Nobel prize this year, they decided to hold a party for him anyway. They gave him a constellation prize.
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I’d tell you a chemistry joke, but I probably won’t get a reaction.
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Why didn’t the sun go to graduate school?
Because it already had a million degrees!
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A physicist, while exiting the theater after seeing Star Wars, bumped into a fellow physicist.
Inspired by the movie, he blurted to his friend, “May the mass times acceleration be with you.”
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The engineer sees a glass two times too large.
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What do you call a rude acid?
A meano-acid.
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What did the proton say to the electron to start a fight?
I’m sick of your negativity.
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Nine sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Then in comes Batman!
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A hug without u is like Mercury.
Hg.
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Why can you never trust atoms?
They make up everything!
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What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes.
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What did the 30-degree angle say to the 90-degree angle?
You think you’re always right!
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What do scientists get for bad breath?
Experi-mints!
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
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Have you heard that entropy isn’t what it used to be?
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Why is quantum mechanics is the original “original hipster”?
It described the universe before it was cool.
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What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorus walked into his bar?
“OH SNaP!”
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet!
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What did the helpless T cell say when facing the infection?
Is there antibody out there?
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Why did the nebula call in sick?
It had gas.
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If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, they would be alloys!
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Einstein developed a theory about space — it was about time!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He got charged with a salt and battery.
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Why does no one like to talk to Pi at parties?
Because he goes on forever.
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I think I’ve lost an electron. In fact, I’m positive.
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How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it!
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I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity.
I can’t put it down.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
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Rest in peace, boiling water, you will be mist.
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What’s wrong with a joke involving cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
It’s CoRn Y.
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Why did the chemistry lab blow up?
Oxidants happen!
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Mercury is upset he is not as large as his neighbor planets.
It’s clearly a case of Venus envy.
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Three statisticians go hunting for deer. They spot one off in the distance. The first one shoots about a meter too high; the second one, about a meter too low; the third one yells, “We got it!”
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Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??
Teen 2: OMg!
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What's a geologist's favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
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Why were the paleontologists kissing?
They were carbon dating.
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“Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it’s not in cockroaches.” — A New York City tenant
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What did one cell tell his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?
Ouch! That’s mitosis.
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What’s the best science?
Geology — it rocks!
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Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
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How did the thermometer insult the graduated cylinder?
She said, “You may have graduated, but I have more degrees.”
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What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
A one molar solution.
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Why shouldn’t you make fun of a paleontologist?
Because you will get Jurasskicked.
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What did the receiver say to the radio wave?
“Ouch! That megahertz.”
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What fruit contains barium and double sodium?
BaNaNa.
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When a third-grader was asked to cite Newton’s first law, she said, “Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up.”
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Where does bad light end up?
In a prism.
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Photons have mass?
Who knew they were Catholic?!
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What did the science book say to the math book?
You’ve got problems.
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Math puns are the first sine of madness.
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You’re so hot, you denature my proteins.
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Why is ice so edgy?
Because it was water before it was cool!
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I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements…
Periodically.
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Two scientists walk into a bar.
“I’ll have an H2O,” says the first.
“I’ll have an H2O, too,” says the second.
The second scientist dies.
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It’s hard to date a carb when they are so complex.
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The cost of the space program is truly astronomical!
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Organ donors really put their heart into it.
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Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
He didn’t have the guts!
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Why shouldn’t you eat too much pi?
You’ll end up with a big circumference.
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Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.
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What was the name of the first Electricity Detective?
Sherlock Ohms.
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Why is the dieting advice to “eat light” so dangerous?
That’s how you become a black hole.
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Why did the physicist break up with the biologist?
There was no chemistry.
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Why were oxygen, hydrogen, and carbon wearing suits and ties?
They were a formyl group.
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A photon checks into a hotel.
When asked if it needs a bellman, it responds, “No, I’m traveling light.”
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What do you call an accountant for the biology department?
A buy-ologist.
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Why did Werner Heisenberg detest driving cars?
Because every time he looked at the speedometer, he got lost!
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What do computers like to eat?
Chips!
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The way to a man’s heart is through his veins.
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Why don’t scientists have doorbells?
They want to win no-bell prizes!
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How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
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What did the microbiology student get for being late to class?
A tardigrade.
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The rocket scientist became a skilled archer. Really, he was just testing arrow dynamics.
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What do you get when you cut a jack-o’-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
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Why did the cloud date the fog?
He was so down to earth.
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Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who visited 30 different countries and spoke six languages?
He was a man of many cultures.
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Did you hear about the neutron who got arrested?
He got released without charge.
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Why did the ammonia order a pumpkin spice latte?
Because it’s basic.
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I love studying atoms but I wouldn’t want to Bohr you with the details.
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What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Indian Ocean?
“Try and be more PACIFIC!”
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Why did the amoeba cross the road?
It was time to split.
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What did Benjamin Franklin write in his diary after discovering electricity?
“I’m shocked!”
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What is the least interesting element?
Bohrium.
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Want to hear a joke about potassium?
K.
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Why did the hipster chemist get burned?
He touched the beaker before it was cool!
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How do astronomers organize a party?
They planet.
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Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land doesn't wave back.
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A sodium atom and a chlorine atom got into a skirmish.
Both were arrested for a salt.
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Where do amino acids go to pray?
The cysteine chapel.
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How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
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What did the dog say to his owner?
“My favorite frequency is 50,000 hertz, but you’ve probably never heard of that.”
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I don’t need a spine — it’s holding me back!
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A molecule tells another: “A free-electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”
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What’s a physicist’s favorite snack?
Fig Newtons.
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The chemistry student was spotted in a picket line carrying a sign that read "Free radicals now!"
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Why did the germ cross the microscope?
To get to the other slide!
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What is blood’s message to the world?
B positive.
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What is a rock’s favorite cereal to eat?
Coco-pebbles!
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Why did the gene crossover?
To get to the non-sister homolog!
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How do deaf mathematicians communicate?
Through sine language.
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What did one photon say to the other photon?
I’m sick and tired of your interference.
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Unfortunately, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Amoebas is shrinking.
Fortunately, none of the amoebas has lost any of their members.
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Why is the moon so broke?
It’s down to its last quarter.
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We really shouldn’t talk about mitosis…
It’s such a divisive issue.
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Why did Bill hate astronomy?
He thinks black holes suck.
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What do you get when you mix sulfur, tungsten and silver?
SWAg.
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Hand over the calculator; friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
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An ion meets his atom friend on the street and says he’s lost an electron.
“Are you sure?” asks the atom.
The ion replies, “I’m positive.”
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What did the male stamen say to the female pistil?
“I like your ‘style.'”
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Many people ask me why I chose forensic medicine as a career, and I tell them that it is because a forensic man gets the honor of being called when the top doctors have failed!
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What does the sign at the biology lab say?
“STAPH ONLY!”
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What do physicists enjoy most at a football or baseball game?
The wave!
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Why do researchers look forward to Fridays?
They can wear genes to work.
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A cloud of radon floats into a cafe. The waiter says, "we don't serve inert gases here". There was no reaction from the radon.
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A sign outside the chemistry hotel reads, “Great Day Rates, Even Better NO3-‘s.”
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Why do quantum physicists make bad pitchers?
Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position
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As a student, Galileo was a star pupil.
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When my teacher asked me how much my brother knew about the orbits of planets and the amount of area swept in any given time, I responded "I'm not my brother's Kepler."
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Why do enzymes make the best deejays?
Because they always break it down.
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How does the nucleus text the ribosome?
With a cell-phone.
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The puzzled astronomy student spent all night wondering where the Sun went... but then it dawned on him.
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I was reading a book on helium. I couldn’t put it down.
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If you ask a Russian cosmonaut when is his favorite moment to snack, how does he answer?
“Launch time.”
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Why are chemists excellent for solving problems?
They have all the solutions.
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Why does the photon never have to check suitcases on for flights?
They travel light.
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I’m fascinated by water’s gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.”
Helium doesn’t react.
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How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A very tiny book.
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What did Donald Duck say in his graduate physics class?
“Quark, quark, quark!”
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Meteorology jokes aren’t funny because they are so predictable.
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What is the element iron’s favorite movie?
Ferrous Bueller’s Day Off.
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Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.
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Why do pirates like algebra?
“Annex” marks the spot.
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What’s the difference between a mathematician and a forensic scientist?
A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a straight line while a forensic scientist wants more data.
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I can eat sugar with either hand…
I’m ambidextrous.
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What do you call a tube that finished its studies?
A graduated cylinder.
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At a party for functions, ex is at the bar looking despondent. The barman says: "Why don't you go and integrate?" To which ex replies: "It would not make any difference."
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Where did the lightning bolt propose to his girlfriend?
Cloud nine.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They’re cheaper than day rates.
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What did the psychologist tell the geologist?
Every decline is a great breakthrough.
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How many forensic scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
It takes two — one to screw it in and one to check for fingerprints.
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What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The nucleus.
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What did is a nuclear physicist’s favorite snack?
Fission chips.
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What was the biologist wearing on his first date?
Designer jeans.
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