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40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback

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Yeah, surely the quotes you’ll find below aren’t sarcastic. Not the slightest bit. They’re just as light and cheery as daffodil fluff floating in the azure summer sky, with no dual meanings, no sly remarks, and no storm clouds here.

Nuh-uh, no way. They aren’t even that funny; who cares for sarcastic quotes, anyway? Only sweet old ladies, probably. However, if you’d still like to try these no-good, dark quotes, we’ve gathered an insignificant amount of 40 sarcastic sayings for your judgment.

In all seriousness, though, sarcastic quotes are the best—they are slightly stingy and inherently clever, they can be used on almost any occasion, and if your opponent is worthy, they’ll even grant a belly-full of laughs. Some of these funny, ironic quotes originated in famous people’s heads, like Oscar Wilde and Aldous Huxley; others are of mysteriously undocumented origins.

With those ironic quotes about life, you can always claim them as your own! That is if you think the receiver will understand them fully; otherwise, all you will get is a tumbleweed slowly rolling between you two, and the resulting awkward silence will fall on your conscience.

So, cynics, rejoice! This article is dedicated to you, to the dark jokes we love dearly, and to the most useful ironic quotes to memorize! Reach all this book-worthy material in just a few scrolls directed downward, and don’t forget to vote for clever, sarcastic quotes. Also, share this wisdom with your friends by dropping them a link to this article containing the smartest quotes ever!

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#1

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time." – Robin Williams

383points

Eilen 2 years ago

Great guy with great quotes

69points

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#2

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." – Oscar Wilde

327points

Itstheoneandonlydave 2 years ago

L E G E N D A R Y

51points

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#3

"If I wanted to kill myself I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ."

318points

R Carson 2 years ago

HA!

40points

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#4

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you."

296points

HarriMissesScotland 2 years ago

Perfect for BP.

44points

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#5

"I always say 'Morning' Instead of 'good morning' Because if it was a good morning, I would still be in bed and not talking to people."

295points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

I'm using this one 😂

39points

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#6

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist." – Michael Levine

293points

IeabellAlakar@aqueenofaplanet 2 years ago

Some parents are idiots. Can concur.

63points

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#7

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true." – Robert Oppenheimer

266points

Libstak 2 years ago

I kinda like this world. But then again I compare it to life for humans before technology and plumbing especially so I think we have got it pretty damn good.

27points

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#8

"If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito."

261points

13 2 years ago

Why is this so far down? 😂😂

30points

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#9

"Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity."

254points

Mike Beck 2 years ago

I have a T-shirt: I'm allergic to stupidity; I break out in sarcasm.

78points

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#10

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege."

252points

Caro Caro 2 years ago

I'm going to use this one ... A neat little parcel of insult, sarcasm and truth :D

30points

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#11

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."

233points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

I laughed and spilt my coffee all down my top, very funny though

43points

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#12

"Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!" – Billy Connolly

215points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Ahh Billy Connolly a very special person

30points

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#13

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "You know what I like about people? Their dogs."

208points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Reminds me of the kid that asked: dad can i pet that dog? You have to ask his owner! But i don't want to talk to people! I only like dogs

38points

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#14

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized." – Fred Allen

204points

Kookamunga 2 years ago

Why would anyone want to be famous? I'll take rich for sure. But to have no privacy and everyone looking at you and in your business? No wonder many very famous people eventually go nuts, or just lose touch with reality.

72points

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#15

"An apple a day keeps anything away if you throw it hard enough."

187points

Daria B 2 years ago

Why would you throw away a precious apple? ♡ *me eats*

31points

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#16

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak." – Steven Wright

186points

Buren 2 years ago

Similar to my favourite Mark Twain: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. I believe Lincoln said something similar.

47points

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#17

"Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal."

170points

Kookamunga 2 years ago

This is turning from "quotes" to "t shirts and bumper stickers".

55points

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#18

"Politics: ‘Poli’ a Latin word meaning ‘many’; and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’." – Robin Williams

161points

Peppa Pig 2 years ago

Tics also means uncontrollable things like you he clicking

8points

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#19

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "Don’t mistake this fake smile and professional body language. I’d punch you in the throat if I knew I wouldn’t lose my job."

155points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Customer service reps be like

36points

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#20

"My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

147points

Buren 2 years ago

Happens all the time.

19points

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#21

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him." – Sir Winston Churchill

146points

Itstheoneandonlydave 2 years ago

Again LEGENDARY

20points

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#22

"If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you."

145points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

splat

44points

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#23

"Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense."

140points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

just give the insane person a knife watch the ketchup fly

21points

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#24

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." – Albert Einstein

139points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Prob true and very freaky

31points

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#25

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us." – Stephen Colbert

138points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

And they actually say what their thinking

23points

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#26

"Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often."

137points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Amen....✌

17points

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#27

"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more." – Walter Matthau

132points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

i heard i another one that say the doctor gave me one month to live so i shot him in the face the jury gave me 12 problem solved

42points

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#28

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "Here’s to another day of outward smiles and inward screams."

130points

T5n 2 years ago

Food/Retail service employee?

29points

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#29

"So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?"

128points

Buren 2 years ago

No. Because it's not heavy or damaging enough.

48points

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#30

"I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it."

127points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

As I said at almost any concert since 2000. (Showing my age here)

21points

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#31

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work."

120points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

But that's too much work

15points

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#32

"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying." – Oscar Wilde

117points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

I must remember this

20points

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#33

"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." – Albert Einstein

115points

R Carson 2 years ago

True

13points

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#34

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." – Abba Eban

113points

Karin 2 years ago

Unfortunately, we're not there yet.

37points

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#35

"I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?"

105points

Andrea Lange 2 years ago

😂 I'll use that!

13points

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#36

"Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face."

100points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

It's a code between the smartest

4points

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#37

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel."

99points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Happens also when single with a cat and the cat is sitting on the remote

44points

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#38

"Find your patience before I lose mine."

98points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

I have one nerve left and your getting on it

27points

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#39

"My uncle's dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." – Rodney Dangerfield

96points

Kookamunga 2 years ago

My favorite Rodney quote: My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay - you're ugly, too.

85points

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#40

40 Sarcastic Quotes To Make Sure You Have A Witty Comeback "People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world."

90points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Anything for a good cause

13points

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#41

"If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it." – W. C. Fields

50points

Buren 2 years ago

"You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." - Homer Simpson

12points

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#42

"Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile." – Billy Sunday

49points

Otter 2 years ago (edited)

Well standing in the pulpit doesn't make you a Christian either, Mr. Sunday.

7points

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#43

"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."

45points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

You can use silver to create gold? oO

6points

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#44

"Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it."

44points

NsG 2 years ago

And because it doesn't translate well in text, idiots can use it as a defence when what they write is wrong (and/or offensive)

5points

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#45

"They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning." – Clint Eastwood

43points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

you may eletrocute the bride

8points

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#46

"I am not young enough to know everything." – Oscar Wilde

40points

R Carson 2 years ago

Ain't it the truth?

7points

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#47

"The bigger your family, the bigger your problems."

40points

Henry Russell 2 years ago

more family more problems

14points

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#48

"Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand."

39points

13 2 years ago

Would it be awkward if I put this on my desk at work?

9points

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#49

"Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair."

39points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

But... But my chairs are antiques!

4points

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#50

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." – Winston Churchill

39points

Full Name 2 years ago

I doubt that Churchill would have said "pants".

13points

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#51

"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something." – Murphy’s Laws

38points

El muerto 2 years ago

if you are 100% sure about anything, you haven't thought about it enough

6points

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#52

"Just keep talking, I yawn when I’m interested."

37points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

And snore and drool 🤤

9points

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#53

"If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me."

35points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Sounds like Dangerfield again

6points

#54

"I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today."

35points

El muerto 2 years ago

I just don't have the energi...full stop

5points

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#55

"Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid." – John Wayne

33points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

It's harder for the others not for the stupid one

22points

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#56

"When something goes wrong in your life, just yell 'Plot Twist' and move on."

33points

R Carson 2 years ago

HA!

6points

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#57

"I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day."

32points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Don't tell Your enemies to go to hell - there are to many great and interesting people there

3points

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#58

"I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect." – Oscar Wilde

32points

Angelar 2 years ago

(...) Sir Thomas frowned. "I am afraid that your nephew is prejudiced against that great country," he said to Lady Agatha. "I have travelled all over it in cars provided by the directors, who, in such matters, are extremely civil. I assure you that it is an education to visit it." "But must we really see Chicago in order to be educated?" asked Mr. Erskine plaintively. "I don't feel up to the journey." Sir Thomas waved his hand. "Mr. Erskine of Treadley has the world on his shelves. We practical men like to see things, not to read about them. The Americans are an extremely interesting people. They are absolutely reasonable. I think that is their distinguishing characteristic. Yes, Mr. Erskine, an absolutely reasonable people. I assure you there is no nonsense about the Americans." "How dreadful!" cried Lord Henry. "I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect."

1point

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#59

"With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too."

32points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

BWAAAHAAAHA 🤣🤣

8points

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#60

"Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them." – Walter Kerr

30points

Lady B 2 years ago

Never more true than in today’s climate

8points

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#61

"Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke." – Will Rogers

30points

R Carson 2 years ago

Will was an excellent wit, a man of common sense.

7points

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#62

"When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it."

29points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Brothers are great like that

7points

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#63

"There are times here my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut."

28points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

A difficult achievement sometimes.

6points

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#64

"I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words."

27points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

And u can't prosecute me for it!

3points

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#65

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

27points

#66

"When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark."

26points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

I was gonna say Trump? But no it takes intelligence to be sarcastic.

5points

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#67

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs." – Robin Williams

26points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

And the older I get the less I can cope with either! 😢

7points

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#68

"A half truth is a whole lie." – Yiddish Proverb

26points

#69

"I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding."

26points

Otter 2 years ago (edited)

Welcome to discourse on the internet!

3points

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#70

"Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can't."

26points

HarriMissesScotland 2 years ago

Wanna bet?!

12points

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#71

"Repeating quotes from funny movies doesn’t make you funny."

26points

Jean Peterson 2 years ago

This!! Every adolescent to mid twenties guy speaks in movie quotes and believe themselves to be the funniest, coolest, most original person. And it's like nah Brofessor, you just watch alot of movies and cannot come up with your own funny sh*t so you borrow others. That doesn't make you cool, unless you have perfect timing with an awesome line that's so perfect and out of the blue that is actually funny. But if it's how you always talk, you suck

6points

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#72

"Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern… like bad wallpaper." – Friedrich Nietzsche

26points

Angelar 2 years ago

Misattributed quotations are messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern. ---https://archive.nytimes.com/query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage-9901E5DD103EF933A05752C0A9679D8B63.html

14points

#73

"I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here."

25points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Thanks I resent you too

3points

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#74

"Everyone seems normal until you get to know them."

25points

JennaMae 2 years ago

Normal is boring !

1point

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#75

"Zombies eat brains, you are safe." – John Stewart

25points

Demonz Halo 2 years ago

Mental Note: tell this to my siblings when we’re fighting

3points

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#76

"A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer."

25points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

True, true

4points

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#77

"Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking."

24points

Milady Blue 2 years ago

Definitely applies to my youngest brother, who is also known as Gabzilla.

3points

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#78

"The time you realize your kids are in bed and have been watching The Disney channel for the past hour by yourself."

24points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

And your point is...🦧

3points

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#79

"My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know."

24points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Done this several times at university, still attained my degrees

2points

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#80

"I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts."

24points

Buren 2 years ago

You should get almond donut. I heard nuts are good.

3points

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#81

"Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner." – Douglas Adams

24points

Angelar 2 years ago

The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” ― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

13points

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#82

"Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing." – William James

23points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Mr. James certainly had a way with words

4points

#83

"Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for." – Jerry Seinfeld

23points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Is there a turn off button hidden somewhere?

2points

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#84

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments."

22points

Audra Casino 2 years ago

Or any other bill. Or a work shift.

6points

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#85

"Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong."

22points

13 2 years ago

Yeah... no. Can we leave this crap in last century?

12points

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#86

"Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position." – Murphy’s Laws

21points

Vanta Black 2 years ago

I don't want it for love. I want it for financial security.

6points

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#87

"People that pay for things never complain. It’s the guy you give something to that you can’t please." – Will Rogers

21points

Lady B 2 years ago

Said every support person in the world

8points

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#88

"Let’s share… You’ll take the grenade, I’ll take the pin."

21points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

t

1point

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#89

"Sorry for the mean, awful, and accurate things I said."

21points

Otter 2 years ago

Now THAT is true sarcasm!

4points

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#90

"New Year's Resolution: casual promises that I am under no legal obligation to fulfill."

21points

Buren 2 years ago

You must be young. I have stopped making that promises since forever.

0points

#91

"Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving."

21points

Buren 2 years ago

That's why I sleep with my eyes open. My passengers feel calm.

7points

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#92

"Are you always so stupid or is today a special ocassion?"

20points

Rose Romano 2 years ago

That should be "occasion."

9points

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#93

"What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense." – Mark Twain

20points

#94

"Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." – Sam Levenson

20points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Brilliant

2points

#95

"I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here."

20points

Ria C. 2 years ago

I once got behind someone driving at 55mph, both of us with the windows down and I could smell his cologne.

5points

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#96

"My family is temperamental, half temper half mental."

19points

Dave van Es 2 years ago

Ah yes, like a psychological relationship. One is a psycho, the other is logical

1point

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#97

"Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow."

19points

Vicky Z 2 years ago

Every manager ever

14points

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#98

"Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?"

19points

El muerto 2 years ago

preposterous proclamation

9points

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#99

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." – W. C. Fields

19points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Hhahah !

2points

#100

"My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don't even know if I am kidding anymore."

19points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

It's usually not about kidding :P

2points

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#101

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that."

19points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

Not gonna happen, babe. Sorry!

2points

#102

"Ah, yes, divorce … from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." – Robin Williams

18points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Or woman...

0points

#103

"Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence." – Ashleigh Brilliant

18points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Should I say it to my co-workers right now or would it be rude? :(

0points

#104

"I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation."

18points

Andrea Lange 2 years ago

I don't like to think before I speak. I enjoy being as surprised as anyone else about the stuff I'm talking!

8points

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#105

"That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly."

18points

Andrea Lange 2 years ago

Fashion designers who decide which clothes are the absolutely ultra-modern hot stuff every season secretly wait if people really buy and wear their creations... then laugh out loud because people really buy and wear their creations!

2points

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50 Of The Most Incredible Shots That Were Submitted To The Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards

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French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

French Diver’s “Jewels” In Tight Swimming Trunks Become Talk Of The Town At Olympics

#106

"They say each day is a gift! Well, I want to know where customer service is so I can return this one."

18points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

I hope you have the receipt...🤭

1point

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#107

"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty." – Jeff Foxworthy

18points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

A true Prophet speaks...

3points

#108

"I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night."

18points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Interesting that the "Monoscope" I've seen in adverts is full of high-rise buildings w/o a star in sight...😬...Be VERY afraid.

3points

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#109

"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer."

18points

Steffen Rehm 2 years ago

I feel attacked. :D

6points

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Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Woman Moves Out Of Parents' Home After They Asked Her To Give Her Space To Brother, They Freak Out

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

Mom Leaves $250k Inheritance To Son, Throws A Fit When Daughter Stops Looking After Her

#110

"I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead."

17points

Jake from State Farm 2 years ago

Owch

0points

#111

"Asking politicians to give up a source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood." – Cal Thomas

17points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Never more true than now eh Donald...? 😈

3points

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#112

"If you want to call a family meeting - turn off the WiFi and sit in the room where it is located."

17points

JennaMae 2 years ago

After the 10 minute freak out that all has ended.... Yup !

0points

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#113

"People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." – A. A. Milne

17points

#114

"Keep rolling your eyes, you might just find a brain back there."

17points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

🙄

0points

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Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

Woman Refuses To Chip In For Babysitting Because She Doesn’t Even Have Kids, Asks If She’s A Jerk

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

“This Breaks My Heart”: People Stunned—And Angry—After Woman Buys Lost Luggage From Airport

#115

"I know family comes first, but shouldn't that mean after breakfast?" – Jeff Lindsay

17points

#116

"A straight face and a sincere-sounding "Huh?" have gotten me out of more trouble than I can remember."

17points

allan dorfling 2 years ago

Life hack?

3points

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#117

"There are only two things a child will share willingly—communicable diseases and his mother's age." – Benjamin Spock

16points

Heather Wright 2 years ago

Yup.

4points

#118

"Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers." – Eugene Bertin

16points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Kid are more mature now...Give it 9-10...

0points

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#119

"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth."

16points

Buren 2 years ago

I find toothless smiles much more charming.

6points

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"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

"I Didn't Start The Dryer": Karen Gets Taught A Lesson After Throwing Out Neighbor's Wet Clothes

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Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

Guy Divorced 3 Years Ago Drops Off 3 Y.O. With His Ex-Wife Completely Out Of The Blue

#120

"If you must make a noise, make it quietly." – Oliver Hardy

16points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

My father was always saying this to me.

3points

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#121

"Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it."

16points

Mary Rose Kent 2 years ago

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++!

0points

#122

"What we feel and think and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and viscera." – Aldous Huxley

15points

Tee Witt 2 years ago

Pardon, could you explain?

2points

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#123

"He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t." – Victor Borge

15points

R Carson 2 years ago

No surprise.

-2points

#124

"No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time."

15points

JennaMae 2 years ago

To the Direct TV salesman at Sams Club.. Costco... ECT. ....

0points

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“All Three Shot Out Pink”: Triplets' Baby Shower Turns Sour, Pregnant Wife Wants A Divorce

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College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

College Student Does Exactly As Told After Roommates Demand They Keep Their Stuff In Their Room

#125

“Well, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

15points

Lovísa 2 years ago

My imaginary friend thinks I have mental problems

2points

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#126

"Well that escalated quickly – our family motto."

15points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Oh Lordy...every Holiday, any Holiday, to Infinity and Beyond...🙄🤣

1point

#127

"Caller ID was invented for family screening."

15points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

For screening everyone

2points

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#128

"It's an easy tool this world- just pretend like you know everything."

15points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Two year Olds, teens and Karens...

0points

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#129

"Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else."

15points

Richard A Petro 2 years ago

And the corollary; "Just because you're unique doesn't make you useful."

1point

#130

"We are all born crazy. Some of us remain that way." – Samuel Beckett

15points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Again...and your point is...😈

0points

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#131

"My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him."

15points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

what A negative family You are

2points

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#132

"My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me."

15points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

More or a pun?

4points

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#133

"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage."

15points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Maximum effort!

-1point

#134

"It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste."

14points

#135

"Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy." – Cynthia Nelms

14points

El muerto 2 years ago

honestly being happy is boring, being miserable keeps you busy for longer...

2points

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#136

"If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that 'Members not Present' and 'Subjects Discussed' were one and the same." – Robert Brault

14points

#137

"Never underestimate a child's ability to get into more trouble." – Martin Mull

14points

#138

"Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example."

14points

Steve Fischer 2 years ago

Two wrongs don't make a right. But two wrights made an airplane

4points

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#139

"Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything."

13points

allan dorfling 2 years ago

I have a family member dubbed Mr Google...he knows things...

2points

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#140

"Whoever says nothing surprises them should try working at our office."

13points

#141

"The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old." – Jean Kerr

13points

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#142

"If I had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor."

12points

#143

"Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse." – Murphy’s Laws

12points

Eat Dirt Crow 2 years ago

PLOT TWIST!

6points

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#144

"I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow."

12points

Hugh Cookson 2 years ago

Yup, me every day !! 2 years to retirement - yay !!!

3points

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#145

"My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues."

12points

#146

"I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared."

12points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Dr House again?

0points

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#147

"I’m sorry. I was listening until, out of nowhere, I became distracted by this loud, obnoxious noise that turned out to be your voice."

12points

#148

"Family is a blessing. Just keep saying that when you are irritated by something a family member does or says."

12points

#149

"For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life’s list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors." – Jeff Foxworthy

12points

#150

"You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed."

11points

#151

"Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either."

11points

Otter 2 years ago

Insults are not sarcasm.

4points

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#152

"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep." – Albert Einstein

11points

Eat Dirt Crow 2 years ago

There are no lions, just more aggressive sheep.

2points

#153

"I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life."

11points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

So poetic

-1point

#154

"Life’s good, you should get one."

11points

Ryan Deschanel 2 years ago

Double lie. Nobody has a life, and life sucks.

0points

#155

"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." – Evan Esar

11points

Who Panda 420 2 years ago

Sexist

5points

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#156

"I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me."

11points

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#157

"I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me."

11points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

It's actually not so wrong

2points

#158

"My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me."

11points

#159

"One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand." – Kurt Vonnegut

10points

#160

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." – Erma Bombeck

10points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Wait...what are you saying...🤯

3points

#161

"I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house." – Anthony Anderson

10points

RifleReptiles 2 years ago

Mr. Anderson....

0points

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#162

"If you see me smiling it's because I'm thinking of doing something evil or naughty. If you see me laughing it's because I've already done it."

10points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

];->

0points

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#163

"Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone. The person answers, and it's their mum saying "I have a computer question."

10points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

Or the Old Dude I live with saying "Did I ever tell you..." 😳😱

1point

#164

"I’m not listening, but keep talking. I enjoy the way your voice makes my ears bleed."

9points

DUN DUN (she/her) 2 years ago

Oh how I wish I knew this line before meeting some people *cough* on bored panda *cough*

0points

#165

"You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out." – Jerry Seinfeld

9points

#166

"Please cancel my subscription to your resurrection."

9points

Buren 2 years ago

You subscribed?? Bahaha!

3points

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#167

"The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst." – Marge Kennedy

9points

Otter 2 years ago

If only that were true. Family life brings out the absolute worst in some people.

1point

#168

"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."

9points

#169

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."

8points

John Baker 2 years ago

Groucho Marx.

0points

#170

"Just because the voices only talk to me doesn’t mean you should get all jealous. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste."

8points

#171

"It’s weird, marriage. It’s like this license that gives a person the legal right to control their spouse / their ‘other half." – Jess C. Scott

8points

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#172

"To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero, thanks for nothing!"

8points

Concept-Peter Roosdorp 2 years ago

Technically 0 isn't the same as nothing. Hence the need for null. Which to add some confusion is prenouced close to zero in many languages.

2points

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#173

"Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married and live together so I'd have to see them every day."

8points

Evil Hornet 2 years ago

Worth trying...

0points

#174

"The day my mother told me zombies eat brains, I knew I was living with one."

7points

#175

"I can totally keep secrets. It's the people I tell them to that can't."

7points

#176

"My job is secure. No one else wants it."

7points

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#177

"Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty."

6points

#178

"How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?"

6points

RifleReptiles 2 years ago

I swear, my plants are just suicidal. It's not my fault!

1point

#179

"The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings." – Murphy’s Laws

5points

Eat Dirt Crow 2 years ago

No matter how beautiful they are, someone, somewhere, is sick of their crap.

2points

#180

"A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?" – Cassandra Clare

5points

#181

"In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent." – Robert Brault

5points

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#182

"I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew."

4points

#183

"When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts."

4points

#184

"My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist."

2points

Annie Bieber 2 years ago

And....🤣

0points

Ieva Bernotaite

This lazy panda forgot to write something about itself.

This lazy panda forgot to write something about itself.

Aivaras Kaziukonis

Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football.

Aivaras is a SEO listicles curator. Aivaras is a student trying to pave the way to his career in Marketing and advertisment creation. Also Aivaras like's to watch and play sports, especially football.

Robertas Lisickis

Some time ago, Robertas used to spend his days watching how deep the imprint in his chair will become as he wrote for Bored Panda. Wrote about pretty much everything under and beyond the sun. Not anymore, though. He's now probably playing Gwent or hosting Dungeons and Dragons adventures for those with an inclination for chaos.

Some time ago, Robertas used to spend his days watching how deep the imprint in his chair will become as he wrote for Bored Panda. Wrote about pretty much everything under and beyond the sun. Not anymore, though. He's now probably playing Gwent or hosting Dungeons and Dragons adventures for those with an inclination for chaos.

Saulė Tolstych

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

Saulė is a photo editor at Bored Panda with bachelor's degree in Multimedia and Computer Design. The thing that relaxes her the best is going into YouTube rabbit hole. In her free time she loves painting, embroidering and taking walks in nature.

Justė Kairytė - Barkauskienė

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

Justė is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. She also works with Search Engine Optimization, so you could find Bored Panda's articles easier. Justė's not only an avid equestrian, but she's also a walking encyclopedia. Ask her anything!

What do you think ?

Oliver Nelson 2 years ago

Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.

10points

postboredom 2 years ago (edited)

Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though

7points

ivan bolitekurac 2 years ago

Fresh delivery from Facebook walls all over the world.

3points

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Oliver Nelson 2 years ago

Most of these are things 12 year old me would have seen on a shirt on Pinterest and thought it was the funniest thing ever.

10points

postboredom 2 years ago (edited)

Some of these are just cynical or trying too hard to be funny. A few are gems though

7points

ivan bolitekurac 2 years ago

Fresh delivery from Facebook walls all over the world.

3points

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