Family relationships are complicated. And when grief comes into play, it can get even more complicated. Unresolved grief, especially of a family member, can become a real problem within the family. It can even cause some relationships to shatter.

Reddit user u/RoyalMany3627 recently found themselves in a fight with a family member. The fight was a result of unprocessed grief. And so, u/RoyalMany3627 went online to ask if they were the jerk in the situation.

More info: Reddit

When is the right time to voice that your family member’s actions are hurting you?

Image credits: Gabriel Santos (not the actual photo)

Woman angered her whole family after voicing that she doesn’t like to be compared to her late aunt, after whom she was named

Image credits: RoyalMany3627

Image credits: Kampus Production (not the actual photo)

Image credits: RoyalMany3627

Image credits: Ashford Marx (not the actual photo)

Image credits: RoyalMany3627

An 18-year-old woman was named after her aunt, who, just like her, had red hair. Also, the aunt died 20 years ago, even before the OP was born. She was named in honor of said aunt because after seeing a baby with red hair, the grandmother asked for it.

Since the OP was little, her grandmother favored her. Unfortunately, that made her cousins resent her. All she wished was to be treated no differently than them. But her grandmother didn’t care about that. Instead, the grandmother has often compared the OP to her late aunt. Or encouraged her to get into things that her aunt liked, for example, art. And when the woman doesn’t, it upsets her grandmother.

The original poster complained to her parents about the grandmother’s behavior. But they dismissed her complaints by stating that this brings her grandmother comfort.

The story that sparked this Reddit post happened when the OP planned to have a road trip with her friends for her 18th birthday. She faced an obstacle – her grandmother. The grandma disapproved of her plans, stating that her aunt wouldn’t have had a road trip. She would have had a party at home.

That made the OP lose it. She told her grandmother to stop projecting the dead daughter on her. She added that she feels sick of it. The fight ended with the grandmother crying, leaving the room, and the OP feeling bad. But not only did she feel bad, she was also yelled at by family members. Thankfully, her dad was on her side.

Unfortunately, it seems like he was the only one on her side. Even her mom was upset. She even demanded that the OP apologize to her grandmother. The original poster refused to do so.

Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio (not the actual photo)

The OP ended up still going on that trip, as her dad assured her everything would be settled down when she got back. But it wasn’t. Everyone is still angry at her, even after the trip. And her grandmother hasn’t talked to her since the fight.

Clearly, the grandma struggles with grief. And it could be said that the grief is unprocessed. Unfortunately, she projects it on her granddaughter with hopes that she will replace everything she has lost. Understandably, it’s not a healthy coping mechanism, since it hurts her granddaughter. 

Talking about ways of processing grief, in the age of artificial intelligence technology, there are new ways to deal with grief that weren’t possible before. Now, with AI or virtual reality technologies, people can kind of communicate with their late loved ones. In a way, it could be said that these programs bring the dead to life. Programs such as Augmented Eternity or HereAfter AI allow someone to create a digital persona of a late person. It is done by using dead people’s digital footprint data. Even the well-known Alexa has a feature being developed for this cause. In this feature, Alexa would read aloud stories with the voices of deceased loved ones. And all it needs is just to hear merely a minute of that person’s speech.

We can only wish that one day, the grandmother of the Reddit story will have access to any of the mentioned AI programs. Maybe this would help her to deal with the loss of her daughter, and have closure. 

Image credits: 𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔩𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔩𝔱𝔞 (no the actual photo)

Furthermore, Bored Panda reached out to a psychologist, Dr. Patrice Berry, who you can find on Instagram or YouTube. She agreed to share her knowledge on the topic of grief in the family.

“Grief isn’t something that we get over, it is something that we figure out how to move through,” Dr. Berry said. “I’ve heard someone say that grief is unexpressed love and people need to find healthy ways to grieve.”

Speaking about naming someone in honor of a dead family member, Dr. Berry stated that it can have either a positive or negative impact on the named person. It all depends on how the family has processed their grief. “It can put a lot of pressure on the individual if they feel they are replacing the family member or somehow have to be the perfect version of the deceased loved one.”

“Not every family is ready to be called out for their behavior and depending on the situation, calling out family members before everyone is ready can cause major problems. The person in this situation needs support and validation that their experience and feeling is real. Sometimes families will deny that the person has the right to be upset about this type of behavior or pressure.”

Grief is different for everyone, and so Patrice says “I would encourage people that feel stuck and unable to move forward to seek support and help. We often view the people that don’t need help as ‘strong’, and it takes so much strength and vulnerability to seek support. Grief can bring families together and that same grief can tear families apart if they don’t find healthy ways to express it.”

If the grief in the family is so strong that it breaks the ties, the hope shouldn’t be lost. According to Dr.Berry, these families could try to go to family therapy or unite members together with something that the deceased loved. “Often their loved one would want them to be healthy, happy, and find a way to move forward in their grief.”

Most people online decided that the OP was not the jerk in the situation. A lot of them expressed that her family members were not helping her grandmother, who struggles with grief, by enabling such behavior. There were some who stated that there were no jerks in the situation. The OP wasn’t a jerk to blow up like this, as she has been treated poorly for a long time. The grandmother wasn’t a jerk either, she suffers from something that breaks a lot of people – grief. 

Maybe no one was the jerk in this situation? 

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