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Toxic Relationships That Could Have Been Avoided Had People Not Ignored These 30 Red Flags
Interview With Expert
It’s easy to have rose-colored glasses on at the start of a new relationship. You may be optimistic about the possibility of falling in love, and everything your new partner does probably seems charming at first. He always opens the door for me! Or she always surprises me with a sweet treat when I come over! But it’s important to notice the not-so-great aspects of your relationship as well, or you might find yourself filled with regret in the future.
Redditors have recently been discussing red flags that they wish they hadn’t ignored in previous, toxic relationships, so we’ve gathered some of their thoughts below. Keep reading to also find a conversation with Relationship Therapist and Life Coach Nia Williams, and be sure to upvote the replies that resonate with you!
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#1
She never was wrong, nor did she apologize. She would say that I was yelling (when I wasn’t). She would say I had said hurtful things and that I “don’t even realize what I’m saying”.
I ended up seeing a psychiatrist at her suggestion and was put on medication for 7 years (still together with her). I then was hospitalized on psychiatric hold when I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I felt like ending it all because clearly I was hurting someone I loved emotionally and never realized it.
When I got out, someone mentioned I was being gaslit.
We broke up 7 years ago and I am no longer on medication and in a happy relationship with a beautiful son.
I feel like a fool for not realizing that she was doing that.
Sharing this is an embarrassment, I might end up deleting it. I’m just keeping it here in hopes that it might help someone.
Edit: *I always thought I was alone until today. I am overwhelmed. Thank you for all the kind words and I do have quite a few DMs to respond to, so please bear with me. If my experience sounds familiar, please seek support from someone outside of your relationship and unbiased to your situation. You’re not crazy and it’s not always your fault.*.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 month ago
I am concerned that the psychiatrist did not pick up on the gas lighting.
RELATED:
#2
Me. I was the first red flag. I was a terrible person who took a wonderful woman and f*****g ruined her. Her personality was wonderful and driven. And I made her nearly codependent on me. And the cycle reversed back to me. I needed mental health and she was so dependent on me that I had no help for my needs.
I ruined her, which almost k*lled me. We divorced and are both much happier, healthier, and friendlier. She has regained most of what I ruined.
And i became humbled and less of a trash bag of a person.
Broadredpanda 1 month ago
10 out of 10 for admitting this, and turn it around to become a better person!
#3
Negative negative negative. There was not one positive comment when he came home most days. It was everyone else’s fault but him. Edit: I left him two weeks ago. Air mattress but me and the kitties are safe.
To learn more about the red flags that we shouldn't be ignoring, we got in touch with Relationship Therapist and Life Coach Nia Williams from Miss Date Doctor. Nia was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how we can determine whether something is really a red flag or if it's harmless.
"Red flags are behaviors, attitudes, or habits that may signal larger problems down the road and signify if you date this person you are heading for big trouble. Research at Miss Date Doctor suggests that red flags, if unaddressed, can compromise long-term relationship satisfaction. However, not all red flags are absolute deal-breakers," Nia noted.
#4
When I realised how excited I was for the days when he was at work, and I was at home. Only happened a few times a week. But I should have realised the change in my energy and mood the moment I heard the car pull up.
#5
Critiquing my proudest achievements or appearance. Then instantly love-bombing me the day afterwards.
The contrast you get from feeling so low to feeling so high feels INCREDIBLE, and that's what makes this type of situation dangerous.
Edit: I'm happy to see that this comment is picking up steam, and that it might either serve as a warning to those in the dating scene or a call to action to leave such a relationship if there's no signs of hope.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 month ago
Manipulation tactics. Why would they use them on someone they supposedly care for? There is no love there only control.
#6
Sentences starting with “I let you”. F****n run if you hear that ever.
Uncommon Sense 1 month ago
Slight caveat: "I'll let you cook kippers provided I am away from the house for a week and fully fumigate it by the time I get back." I don't think that's unreasonable.
"To assess if a red flag is serious, consider the following points: patterns versus isolated incidents," Nia says. "A pattern of negative behavior (e.g., frequent dishonesty or a lack of respect) is often more concerning than one-time incidents, as it’s predictive of future conflicts. A University of Denver study found that partners who frequently ignored or dismissed each other's feelings were more likely to experience long-term issues."
It's also important to consider intention and growth. "Sometimes, a 'red flag' may stem from a personality trait rather than ill intent. For example, a partner might struggle with expressing emotions because they grew up in an emotionally restrictive environment," the therapist explained. "If they show a willingness to work on these issues, this red flag may not be fatal to the relationship."
#7
The first punch to the face. Thought it was normal for girls to do that when upset. Only took me 8 years to understand it wasn't ok.
#8
He was an influencer and posted a video montage of our camping trip that didn't show any evidence that I was there, it looked like he'd gone camping alone. I had planned the whole thing, driven the whole time, and prepared all the food.
#9
Not being able to figure out what I did to make him mad. It was unavoidable.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 month ago
He had the problem to figure out, not you. Let him figure it out on his own.
Nia also noted that there are different types of red flags to consider. "Not all red flags are the same. Common ones that tend not to ruin a relationship include introversion/extroversion differences, taste in hobbies, or even mild jealousy (as long as it doesn’t escalate into controlling behavior). These differences can be healthy when both partners communicate and compromise."
"However, certain red flags, such as lack of empathy, chronic dishonesty, or manipulation, are highly correlated with toxic relationships," the expert says. "The Gottman Institute’s research indicates that 'contempt' is the number one predictor of divorce, making disrespect and cruelty major red flags."
#10
The constant ‘jokes’ that were actually just hurtful comments disguised as humor. Brushing them off early on set the tone for disrespect to be normalized.
#11
How they talk about the people in their life. Avoid people who blame others for their life. If you don't, you're going to be the next one in the receiving end of that blame.
Jenna Kay 1 month ago (edited)
My MIL was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder a year ago, at the retirement home, where she is an 86 year old abusive tyrant. The things she has said over the years about everyone she knows are just ... even her grandchildren are a disappointment to her. Everyone EXCEPT my daughter, the one person she loves, and the one person she isn't actually related to, as my daughter is her step-grandchild.
#12
He strangled me, quickly, out of the blue for smiling at my phone. I had been texting another female coworker, who he knew I considered a friend at the time. I wish I had ran then.
Wonderful 1 month ago
I dated a guy for 2 weeks and one night he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me into the wall while he stood over me. I could tell that he liked that he scared me. Once I got home that night I called him and broke up with him. I was scared to do it in person. Best decision ever.
So what should you do if you notice a red flag in your partner? "Addressing a red flag is often better than ignoring it, as early, open communication allows both partners to assess their compatibility and willingness to work on issues," Nia shared.
"Here are some recommended steps: Start with empathy and curiosity. Approach the conversation with a genuine curiosity to understand their behavior, rather than with accusations," the therapist says. "This can reveal whether the red flag is a result of deeper, workable issues. A study from the American Psychological Association found that couples who engaged in calm, empathetic communication reported greater satisfaction and fewer long-term conflicts."
#13
If your significant other wants to limit your interactions with ANYONE OR ANYTHING, run. Please. Run away from that.
Your partner should want to experience life WITH you, which includes experiencing HOW you live and interact with everything. You have your own life, and it has to involve more than only one other person.
#14
Making changes to myself to suit my partner's wants and moods without any regard to whether they were positively or negatively impacting my life.
"Disembodied voice" 1 month ago
I can definitely understand that, I didn't like who I was around my ex.
#15
First red flag was on our fourth date. We met up with some friends of mine and had a few drinks while we chatted. During this time, my car had gotten towed (I drove). I didn’t live more than a mile and change away, and on the walk home he completely tore into me verbally about what gross s**ts my friend and I both were for being sexually active before either of us were 18 (this was a very brief topic of conversation, I do not remember why). He berated me until we got back to my place and I, a young 20 something, had enough and burst into tears. He didn’t have a car at the time and I didn’t have enough money or the means to get my car back from the tow, so I also didn’t have enough for him to uber home.
So once I was in tears, it was like a switch flipped and he instantly went to comfort me like he wasn’t the reason I was so upset. It was the start of many years of emotional abuse and I wish I had ended things between us that night and saved so much psychological turmoil.
Comment Deleted 1 month ago
Oh but I bet he was sexually active before 18...but that's OK because he has a penis.
Nia also recommends observing your partner's reaction. "How a partner responds to being confronted with their red flag is very telling," she shared. "If they show accountability and a willingness to understand your perspective, it indicates a growth mindset. On the other hand, dismissiveness, defensiveness, or gaslighting (attempting to make you feel like your concerns are invalid) are significant red flags themselves."
#16
She was always angry with me about something. Some way that she felt mistreated, unseen, etc. It was so consistent that I realized it had nothing to do with me. She just needed someone to be the target of her anger, and I wasn't interested in being that someone. We were young. Hope she's doing better now.
#17
I was 17 and he was 35, i was so thrilled to be seen as “more mature for my age” which is something you should beware of if it comes from someone older than you who’s not your family, now that i think about it. he gaslit me into thinking i was in a relationship with him but that he wasn’t in a relationship with me. this was obviously just a way to have intercourse with other women (but a stupid teenager i didn’t even think he would do something like that). then he started asking me to watch me having intercourse with other men and occasionally take videos of that. that was my first “relationship” so i thought this was normal. had go through therapy and everything else.
Nathaniel He/Him Cis-Het 1 month ago (edited)
Grooming. There was a big scandal in Rotherham where a group of men were grooming women like this and sharing the women for the men's own sexual gratification. Horrible.
#18
He was completely unable to stop his ex wife from triangulating herself into our relationship every opportunity she had under the guise of “best friend” and “an abundance of love”.
I’m talking like, trying to have a nice group dinner at the 2 month mark and she suddenly demands we talk about engagement rings and whether or not we’re aligned on having kids.
Lots of weird and invasive trespassing, repeated provocation and baiting behaviors, minimization, gaslighting, etc. He enabled it all by taking a passive backseat to it all and only gave placating words with no actions.
Of course, it got waaaaaay worse and eventually I understood there was a horrible codependent dynamic between the two of them and lots of crazy making behaviors that brought about the worst chapter of my whole adult life.
I made the mistake of reacting with grace and compassion, but I should have run at the 1st WTF moment. I needed to turn that compassion to myself first and foremost. Lesson learned.
Next, the expert says it's important to assess your own limits. "Some red flags may be personally intolerable for one person but manageable for another. If the issue crosses a non-negotiable boundary (like values around honesty or respect), it might be better to end the relationship early rather than investing emotional energy into trying to change your partner," Nia shared.
#19
When I told her "Sometimes it seems like you don't care about how I feel, you just want what you want" and she started crying and yelling instead of taking about things. .
#20
"All my exes are narcissists," she said to me early on...
Felt like that was perhaps bad luck for her? Turns out it was most likely her being the narcissist in her past relationships, based on what I experienced. Taught me what to look out for and avoid, so wasn't a complete all for nothing situation.
Brenda Spagnola-Wilson 1 month ago
I think sometimes we have to experience something bad to learn a specific lesson. If we learn from it, then we can grow and mature. If we don't, we will continue to make the same mistakes
But if you've been in a situation like this before, you can use your experience to help form healthier relationships in the future. "Getting out of a toxic relationship often offers valuable insights into which red flags to be vigilant about," Nia says.
"Here are strategies to increase awareness and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns: Reflect on past relationships. Identify specific behaviors in past partners that led to distress or toxicity," the therapist shared. "This could be lack of respect, emotional manipulation, or any other red flags that compromised your well-being. Many people who leave toxic relationships benefit from writing down and analyzing these red flags to stay mindful of them in future connections."
#22
Aggressive or emphatic reactions to truly benign things. If you notice they can’t keep their cool for absolute non-problems, real problems will have them blowing their gaskets.
#24
He held me by the neck against the bar and screamed in my ear because I waved hello to a male coworker from across the restaurant
Nia also recommends focusing on green flags in future relationships. "A healthy relationship involves mutual respect, trust, open communication, and empathy. Look for a partner who demonstrates accountability, actively listens, and respects your individuality. Positive psychology research shows that partners with these traits have stronger, more resilient relationships."
And always remember to trust your gut. "Research shows that people are often aware of red flags early in a relationship but may dismiss or rationalize them. Studies on the 'halo effect' demonstrate that we sometimes overlook red flags due to attraction, which can impair judgment," Nia shared. "Practicing mindfulness can help you stay connected to your instincts and notice when something doesn’t feel right."
#26
He got mad over something trivial because he was overwhelmed, and he punched the wall and, for lack of a better word, roared. 15 years later I was living in a DV shelter with our two sons.
#27
Not apologising. Ever. I either had to accept she was right or “get over it”.
And when looking for a partner, take your time. "The early stages of dating are essential for observing red and green flags. Taking time to assess your partner without rushing into a commitment allows you to evaluate compatibility and recognize any concerning patterns," Nia shared. "According to Dr. John Gottman’s studies, couples who slowly build a foundation of trust and friendship are more likely to have successful relationships."
#28
I was always put on the back burner.
She never put me first, and always seemed to care more about other people's problems and feelings way more than mine.
#29
She was super sweet for the first 4-6 months, by then she had her hooks in me and her true narcissistic self began to emerge. Man if I had split right there, I would’ve saved myself sooooo much pain and misery.
Finally, Nia says that recognizing and addressing red flags is a skill that develops over time. "People often carry emotional scars from past relationships, but by understanding red flags, we gain tools for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future," she explained. "If you ignore red flags, it can destroy your self-esteem when you have a series of negative relationships. Try to keep an eye out for red flags to protect your heart and your mental health also."
#30
Telling me he loved me within two weeks of meeting me. Full love-bombing. He turned out to be a massive manipulator, who put me through hell. The 2.5 years I spent with him (1.5 of those wanting to leave) are the only I've ever regretted.
What do you think ?
Black Cat 1 month ago
Glad I'm single, too many trust issues to ever get into another relationship. Humans are crazy.
Ace 1 month ago
You really should not read stuff like this and believe that it's representative of people as a whole. Being in a relationship does not mean that any of these bad things are going to happen.
Load More Replies...
Ellinor 1 month ago
We were very different and had very different lives (I was poor and in an art school and he was rich in a scientific school). During our whole relationship he didn't cared about what was making me uncomfortable and pushed me to do things I didn't wanted to do, like meeting his whole family at once or putting a swimsuit at his birthday party when he knew I hated my body. He also didn't cared about art, was always mocking what I liked... What made me break-up was when we both agreed to be in an open relationship, but when I had a chance with a guy and told him, he said that he would be devastated and feel unloved if I saw other people, but that I could do whatever I wanted, but that if I did I would hurt him forever. That was the last straw for me.
Tobias Reaper 1 month ago
not me but my friend whenever she tried to talk about how she was feeling or about how he was feeling he would get angry an walk away. Would also get angry at her for being upset was emotionally unavailable.
Black Cat 1 month ago
Glad I'm single, too many trust issues to ever get into another relationship. Humans are crazy.
Ace 1 month ago
You really should not read stuff like this and believe that it's representative of people as a whole. Being in a relationship does not mean that any of these bad things are going to happen.
Load More Replies... Ellinor 1 month ago
We were very different and had very different lives (I was poor and in an art school and he was rich in a scientific school). During our whole relationship he didn't cared about what was making me uncomfortable and pushed me to do things I didn't wanted to do, like meeting his whole family at once or putting a swimsuit at his birthday party when he knew I hated my body. He also didn't cared about art, was always mocking what I liked... What made me break-up was when we both agreed to be in an open relationship, but when I had a chance with a guy and told him, he said that he would be devastated and feel unloved if I saw other people, but that I could do whatever I wanted, but that if I did I would hurt him forever. That was the last straw for me.
Tobias Reaper 1 month ago
not me but my friend whenever she tried to talk about how she was feeling or about how he was feeling he would get angry an walk away. Would also get angry at her for being upset was emotionally unavailable.
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