As a dad of 3, I can say with confidence that parenthood is a lot of incredibly happy and joyful moments that you want to experience again and again. But at the same time, this is also a complete, total change in your entire life for many, many years…
And I can also say that no matter how involved I am as a dad (a decent one, I sincerely believe) in bringing up my kids, the burden that falls on the mother is still way more difficult. And so, the user BendyGirl85, the author of our story today, also faced a similar experience after giving birth to her first child.
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The author of the post is a new mom who recently delivered her first child – a daughter
Image credits: Pixabay (not the actual photo)
The woman says that she never wanted kids herself but changed her mind under her husband’s influence
Image credits: BendyGirl85
Image credits: Josh Willink (not the actual photo)
And so now the mom sincerely says that she misses her “pre-baby” life so much
Image credits: BendyGirl85
The woman wonders if these thoughts and feelings are valid and just seeks support and advice online
So, the Original Poster (OP) is a new mom, who quite sincerely admits that she loves her daughter very much – but still deeply misses the carefree life that she and her husband had before her birth. Yes, that’s right – the woman partly regrets that she allowed her husband to talk her into having a child.
According to the author, she never wanted to have kids – however, she changed her mind under the influence of her spouse. He always dreamed of becoming a dad – and his influence gradually changed his wife’s viewpoint. And now, a little over a year later, his dream came true, and his wife… “Guess whose life changed and whose didn’t?” the author asks a rhetorical question.
Previously, before pregnancy and the birth of her daughter, the original poster had many different and interesting hobbies, and just simple things that are now either irretrievably gone from her life or have changed beyond recognition. The woman sincerely admits that she gets “so bored at home looking after a baby all day.”
Technically, all the hobbies that previously made up a significant part of the couple’s life can be indulged in now, since the birth of a child – but just agree that it will still not be the same. The author recalls that she and her husband used to be fond of camping, and recently went with their daughter – and this time she had to look after the baby most of the time.
And, of course, the new mom also says that she misses her “pre-baby body.” She gained 10 kilograms during pregnancy and is now about 3 dress sizes bigger. She tries to fit in some workouts, but all that the current situation allows her is 20 minutes a day, nothing more.
The woman assures readers that this is not postpartum depression, but simply the difficult process of getting used to a new life role – but she didn’t suspect that this process would be as difficult and somehow painful for her as it is…
Image credits: Marcus Aurelius (not the actual photo)
“To be honest, if I were this mom, I’d still go to the doctor for a checkup, because, it seems to me, some elements of postpartum depression are still present here. And, of course, the support of her husband and other relatives should play a very important role here,” says Irina Matveeva, a psychologist and certified NLP specialist, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment here. “Especially if the man was really such a great enthusiast of parenthood. After all, any child is a big responsibility. And this responsibility must be divided equally.”
“Some women, when faced with such thoughts, begin to be tormented by remorse, wondering if they are bad mothers? No, this is completely normal – because dramatic changes occur in life, and these changes are for a long time. A very long time, in fact. Therefore, I’m pretty sure that maximum family support is needed here, as well as a conversation with a specialist. After this it should become easier,” Irina summarizes.
Many commenters on the original post also tried to convince the author that the situation she was experiencing was familiar to them too. And that her feelings are in fact absolutely valid. “No regrets, but I deeply miss the freedom and sense of self before baby. I do feel like I’ve lost myself after having her, but I know it’s an adjustment and I’ll just figure my new identity as I go,” one of the moms in the comments wisely said. “I mourn the loss of the old me, but I’m looking forward to her toddler and childhood years.”
And besides, people in the comments are almost sure that the support of her spouse in this situation is needed more than ever. “Your feelings are totally valid – but I do think there are some changes that could help you enjoy the experience more. Can you either go back to school for your passion or find a job you love and put baby in daycare? Your husband also needs to step up. Why has only your life changed?” another mom wonders reasonably.
Well, if you are still wondering whether you and your partner should have kids at all, perhaps this post will be valuable information for you to think about. And if you already have children, then we’d highly appreciate your own thoughts over this story in the comments below.
Most of the people in the comments supported this mom and also told her that her spouse should be more involved here
Image credits: Tirachard Kumtanom (not the actual photo)
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Don't compromise on something like this. This so unfair to the kids. If you want kids but your partner doesn't want to have kids, don't badger your partner into it or don't let them do it to you. You are not compatible. Those kids deserve better. You either love the person you're w/ for who they are n you agree over the future you both want together or you find someone who does.... you're an a*****e if you're either person in this scenario. Equally.
My dad didn't want kids, but he did to make my mom happy. My sister and I are TOTALLY fine, PERFECTLY well-asjusted, why ever do you ask? /s
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Telling OP that things get easier as the child gets older is very sweet, but there is no guarantee of that. Each and every stage of a child's life has its own particular challenges. Being a parent never ends: most parents will feel 'the burden of responsibility' until the day they die. The child is here now, so it's no use reproaching OP for caving in to societal and spousal pressure. There is some good advice given and I hope OP takes that to heart.
The only way I could see for her to get away from the kids indefinitely is to divorce and give up full custody, but that's also a screwed situation for everyone involved, particularly the kids
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Don't compromise on something like this. This so unfair to the kids. If you want kids but your partner doesn't want to have kids, don't badger your partner into it or don't let them do it to you. You are not compatible. Those kids deserve better. You either love the person you're w/ for who they are n you agree over the future you both want together or you find someone who does.... you're an a*****e if you're either person in this scenario. Equally.
My dad didn't want kids, but he did to make my mom happy. My sister and I are TOTALLY fine, PERFECTLY well-asjusted, why ever do you ask? /s
Load More Replies... Telling OP that things get easier as the child gets older is very sweet, but there is no guarantee of that. Each and every stage of a child's life has its own particular challenges. Being a parent never ends: most parents will feel 'the burden of responsibility' until the day they die. The child is here now, so it's no use reproaching OP for caving in to societal and spousal pressure. There is some good advice given and I hope OP takes that to heart.
The only way I could see for her to get away from the kids indefinitely is to divorce and give up full custody, but that's also a screwed situation for everyone involved, particularly the kids
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