Your wife is clearly the AH. I understand how the daughter feels - been there, done that, didn't get the t-shirt - but the wife's solution is only going to make things worse down the line. Dad is right: friends and opportunities don't come equally, but that doesn't make it unfair, it just makes it part of life.

Oh wow. This is not how parenting works.

I don't know how mom thinks she is going to be able to level things between a 13 year old and a 9 year old. He is going to have so many experiences first. Will he have to wait until he's 20 to learn to drive? Until he's 22 to go to college? Will he have to miss prom? School trips? Parties? It's clearly ludicrous. This is a teaching opportunity. They will both have different opportunities, experiences, friends, skills, successes, and failures. They should be helping her learn to be happy for his happiness and that it's not a zero sum game. She will have her own opportunities for fun things that he won't. Mom shouldn't punish him to preserve some unrealistic idea of fairness. She's only harming him and setting her up for a huge shock when the real world she'll be living in for the rest of her adult life will not adapt to her feelings. She's learning to resent others and tear them down instead of figuring out her own path to happiness.

My older brother got to go to Disneyland on a school band trip, while I didn't. Did it seem unfair? Sure. I've never been able to go at all. But he did get me a bunch of souvenirs, so that was really nice of him. I could tell he spent a good deal of time picking them out for me. The daughter will understand when she's older that it's just part of life. She'll get over it. I do hope they did something a little bit special for the daughter while the son was off with his friend's family. Choosing to exclude the son from a family trip, where everyone had been invited... that's just plain wrong and would really scar that poor kid. Especially if the mother has already made a big deal about how letting him go was a mistake, it would only make him feel more like his mother doesn't love him.

The Husband is right, chances like this may come once in a lifetime for some. Yes little girls love Disney but taking it out on the son by stopping him going on a family trip to even the score will damage him in more ways than one. The Daughter wasn't deliberately ostracised by the sons' friends parents, the only person causing problems and making it a competition is the Wife

Life isn't fair, the kids might as well learn that now. To leave your son at home is so wrong! You are definitely NTA. Your wife on the other hand... she also needs to learn that life is not fair and not everyone get the same things all the time.

The OP's wife seems to be fostering jealousy in her children. NTA, OP.

Definitely not the a*****e. Different ages, different experiences. Even if they were twins its still be understandable. its how life works

If your son gets a scholarship to Harvard... Does that mean he isn't allowed to come home for Christmas?

Mom needs to grow up or she will reap what she sows down the line. All kids have different experience happen to them as individuals and mom will end up ruining, her relationship with your son. The ones that always get hurt are the kids. Keep covering your son's back. He will need your support always. Your daughter will need it too.

Okay so I rarely comment on these things but holy guac that woman has issues. This is straight up revenge on a child. Want to make it even? You take your kid to do something special while the other is away. Example: my siblings got to go to a Waterpark with my church when I was little. I didn't get to go because I didn't meet the age requirement. I didn't take it well. My mom took me to get a personal pan pizza from pizza hut. (We were relatively poor so this was a treat.) I was thrilled. She called it our secret pizza. I couldn't tell my siblings and swore I wouldn't. It made me feel great. Go flip side on that with what op's wife pulled. If my mom had waited til her other kids came home and said "no pizza for you" I would've looked at her completely different! That's just nasty and not something you do to someone you love. I actually would've been upset if she did that. I bet op's daughter wouldn't find this justice at ALL. Her son is a child and did NOTHING wrong.

If Dad isn't careful, Mom will completely alienate the boy and cause an additional rift between the kids. God forbid the family gets an all~expense paid trip to Disney~~the woman will scream that the boy can't go a 2nd time! Utterly immature and I agree Mom needs counseling *now*. I was raised with four siblings. None of us got the same opportunities and the folks didn't even try to make it fair. It was aggravating AF, but it was still healthier than what the wife (who is a serious AH in this matter) is trying to achieve. To keep a child from a family gathering is psychologically abusive. She needs to be watched so she doesn't try to 'even things up' away from Dad's sane eye.

One of the hardest but most important life lessons we learn is that things aren’t always fair. Obviously this mom didn’t learn that and now she’s trying to prevent the daughter from learning it too.

Ya'll aren't looking at this from a nine year old girls point of view at all. Mom acts like going to a SUCKY sandy sunburn fest that smells like dead fish is as good as "Princess Land" is equal justice shows your all out of touch. That kid has already processed that disappointment. Justice would be something with her own friends.

That woman has some serious issues.......

My brother and his wife take time out and take each kid somewhere individually (they call it a mom/dad and kid date). You don't have to go to Disneyland though. Just something fun to do for the two of them. Do that instead of excluding one kid from a vacation.

Tell wife to take the girl to high tea all decked out in fancy dress, hat and gloves. She'll feel like Royalty and she'll get special girl time with mom. The son, 13, won't have the slightest interest in a tea party. Parents should be doing one on one time with each of their kids at least monthly anyway.

Nor sure if the OP is still checking, and this may have already been said....as someone who was treated differently from my siblings, I can tell you that it breeds hostility between. Please don't let that happen to your kids

I know how it feels to have parents that pull favorites and I will tell u this ur son being invited by a friend for his friends birthday and not taking the sister is not favoritism however say u planned to take him urself but only him is thereby leaving ur daughter to wonder if u care for her at all. If anything it sounds like ur wife is going to pull favorites not u so if she tries I would say exactly the same thing u did . Plus if I was the little sister I woul later grill brother on all the stuff he did and tell him he better have brought a lot of stuff for me home and as a bonus play a game with me that I liked

I understand wanting to have your kids all be treated well, but kids have to learn that it's not every good thing is meant for them too. The daughter might be little and not understand to be happy for her brother, but it was well okay for the son to go on and enjoy his trip with HIS friend. Sounds like the mom is struggling to deal with this when she really needs to just let it go. The daughter, I bet, doesn't even recall the incident now and will either forget or get over it much faster than the mom.

I believe children should be treated fairly in a family also. So your was the only one invited to Disney World. Did the friend’s pay for him to go or did you? I think if you had to pay, then that would be unfair to your daughter; if the friend’s parents paid then you did fine. Life in general doesn’t always turn out 50/50 for all siblings. As your daughter gets a little a friend’s family may want to take her somewhere you son wouldn’t be invited to go. This is not you being unfair to your children. Take both of them on the trip and don’t punish your son for heaven’s sake!

Disappointment is something kids need to learn to cope with. It's the same with every event when one sibling gets something and the other doesn't. Your job as a parent isn't to "fix everything" so it's fair (it will never be because that's not how the world works). Your job is to be there for your kids when they learn to cope with those emotions. If you try to keep an even "score" you will miss the point. I do feel for the wife in the sense that it HURTS seeing your kids go through the process...but she needs to let go of trying to fix it - it will only make it worse. Of course you shouldn't be punished for doing something you were allowed to do and enjoyed so of course the son should come with.

I see where wife is coming from, but still Nta. They should have had a discussion with son and daughter tho before the Disney trip about how only one is going etc

If that b***h wants to "even the score", it's the daughter that should be rewarded somehow. A*****e "mother" considers punishment more important.

When my wife and I got married she had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Her and her husband split custody, which was always fine with us, and the kids got 2 weeks each for summer vacation with both parents outside of custody. When we 1st got married, he kept on trying to interfere in our time every year. One summer, I was taking everyone to Disneyland for summer vacation as a surprise. When her ex found out the days we were going on vacation, he signed up the son for a soccer camp over that time. We made it clear we were leaving town, and he wouldn't be going to the summer camp. He manipulated his son to have a fit, and insist he wanted to go to the soccer camp, and he didn't want to go on vacation with us. My wife finally relented and said fine, and the rest of us went to Disneyland. When we got back her ex and her son had a fit, and we got told it was incredibly inappropriate to go without him, and we should have told them where we were going.

Sounds like your wife is the problem here. You were right to not exclude your son from the family holiday. What kind of message would that be for your children? If i'm hurt so someone has to be hurt so i can feel better?

If wife really wants to "even" the score, have her take daughter to the Disney store and give her the same amount of money you gave brother to get her AND brother stuff. Or to an amusement park, just her and a parent or friend. It definitely doesn't need to be some super expensive trip or location. Going with her friend, without her brother, but having to buy souvenirs for them both, might make her understand better, and would "even the score" if it's really that much of a deal for your wife.

So the sons best friend invited everyone so why didn't everyone go? That solves everything

You are most definitely the AH. Don't let your daughter go with her bro to Disney. Don't let her have her own vacation. Your wife was right. If your son got to go to Disney, take your daughter after. My mom took me to Disney world after promising me we would go to Hollywood Studios. My family isn't too good financially, but we manage. After a while, my mom took my sister to all 4 parks. You are the a--hole. Not sorry

I very much doubt that your wife would leave daughter with grandpa if she had been the one whose friend invited her to Disneyland. Your wife seems to have some serious issues.

I got to stay at my great aunt’s with cousins my age after a New Year’s party and my brother was too young. My parents said he whined he wanted to stay too, then promptly fell asleep. He survived. I got to go on a really amazing school trip. It wasn’t offered when my brother went to the same school. He was upset they didn’t do it but he survived. He got chances to do things I never did at his high school later. I survived.

Please forgive all my missing words in below answer! It’s been a long day.

The wife is AH. But op also needs to look at their own parenting. The nine year old daughter is far too old to be crying because someone got something she didn’t. She should have been happy for her brother. Does she cry every time someone else has a birthday? I think the problem is the wife is encouraging this and it needs to stop.