I'm annoyed by the person who said children who grow up without biological parents have problem. And that even if they're adopted at day 1 they still don't have "real" parents. As a person who was adopted at birth that hurts a lot. Even as a teenager I had no desire to meet my biological parents. My adopted parents ARE my real parents. The fact that my mom didn't birth me means absolutely nothing. She's my mom. That's all there is to it. Sorry for the rant. That just made me upset.

With the state of mind OP is in, I'd say following the one poster's suggestion of writing the letter but also including necessary medical info is a good one. Then have a couple of trusted friends/family proofread it to be sure it isn't offloading all of the negative feelings towards Ex onto the kid. Then sit on it a couple of weeks and go back to it. As it sounds, OP isn't in any state of mind yet to have a direct convo with the kid and not cause damage. OP needs to sort through their own emotions long before that happens.

Men do this all the time. Old joke * I don't have any kids...that I know of* hardy har har. No matter what women do with a pregnancy, its wrong. Abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. Someone will have a problem with it. Since she is never going to win, she should continue down her path, doing what is right for her. You know who makes that decision? She does.

Post was made 2 years ago, with this comment from OP: "She grew up knowing my ex's former mistress, and now wife, as her only mother. She didn't know I existed. I never wanted to give birth, my mental health hit rock bottom. I still remember how I day dreamed about getting hit by a truck and dying when I was 7 months pregnant. That's when I knew that I cannot be a mother to this child, ever. I approached my ex husband's mistress, who had just given birth and asked her if she wanted to adopt my child. She really loved my ex Mark, and agreed to adopt her. The day I gave birth (it was a C section), I didn't even look at her face. Once I was out of the hospital, I never looked back. She was already with her mother, her sibling and her father. If I meet her now, what will I tell her? What can I tell her? That being pregnant with her made me suicidal? I will have to lie about why I didn't want her."

This doesn't pass the smell test to me. The "other woman", who was already pregnant by Mark, adopted Mark's other child? What was her story to these two kids before she "confessed that she wasn't her biological mother..."? That they were twins with different birth dates? Or did the baby the adoptive mother was carrying just disappear? Details are missing, because what's presented doesn't add up.

NTA. People only say she is because she's a woman. Honestly, the stigma of women who leave their kids or give them up when they know what's best for them means that she's an a*****e. Yet a man cheats on his wife, forces her to have the baby while still seeing the other woman & lying... is not the a*****e? She's NTA... he is.. a man leaves his family & cheats on his wife & nobody bats an eye. A woman gives up her parental rights because she knows she cannot & will not be a good parent is someone the demon here? Make it make sense. She didn't up & leave like a lot of men do. She wants to abort the baby but was convinced not to by the very man who betrayed her. Now he's trying to guilt her into meeting a child she gave up when she has already been thru enough is sickening. He's an a*****e thru and thru . Yes, it sucks for the child. But the child lost her mother already. Why put her thru meeting a woman who didn't want her? That's just cruel.

Ok so this is actually a difficult one because me personally I could never give up my child regardless of what my ex did. That being said I feel that the OP did the right thing in giving the child to the father - especially after not feeling anything but resentment after giving birth. It is so much better to give a child to a family that wants it than to expose it to resentment and harsh emotion out of a sense of obligation. I feel really bad for the daughter, but this woman spared her unkindness and resentment. I think that medical information should absolutely be sent, but other than that I feel that meeting her daughter would further injure her daughter's heart. NTA

While I feel bad for the kid, I kinda can understand the mom. She stated Very clearly that she wanted to abort the baby and only kept her because her ex begged, then discovered the ex was STILL with his side piece. I'd be profundly hurt, furious and mentaly not Fine about It, probably even years after the fact... He swore he'd change on the condiction she did something she clearly did not want and then broke his side of the accord. As awful it is to think about a pregnancy as a bargain, this is it on this case

He wants to dump her on you.

The girl is clearly grieving her real mum (her adopted mum who raised her) and is trying to fill that role with her bio mum. Her bio mum isn't going to be able to fill that 'mum' role that the girl wants. There is only going to be extra grief for the girl - she will feel bad initially that bio mum doesn't want to meet her, but so much worse if she gets all excited about a one off meeting with bio mum, who then rejects her.

I don't think she's the a*****e at all. She did was was right for her and the child when she signed her rights away when she was born. I understand the girl being curious to meet her bio mom now but I think it might also do more harm than good at this stage.

I respect this woman for sticking to her wishes, but I do wish women would quit not listening to their gut feeling and let a man coerce them into continuing an unwanted pregnancy

The amnt of ppl who think this woman owes this kid, who she has no ties to, SPECIFICALLY PUTTING HER UP FOR ADOPTION CUZ SHE WAS NOT READY FOR KIDS AS SHE HAS STATED IN THERE, and deeply torn by the father? Grow up u guys. She doesn't owe her anything. Why the hell does it always fall back on the woman when ANYTHING happens. She doesn't want contact with her, she doesn't need to explain why. She was literally manipulated but that's not a good enough reason for any of u, if a child is put up for adoption, the birth mother owes them absolutely nothing. Most mothers get attached to their babies at birth, feeling the instant mother/child bond. She didn't feel it. End of damn story. She didn't feel a bond and doesn't feel connected. She doesn't owe the kid anything, leave her the hell alone.

I think some people don't get that this isn't about revenge on Mark or malice towards the child. As a person you don't owe ANYONE your comfort. That girl was raised by her parents who hopefully gave her the love she deserved. Blood isn't what makes a family, and op isn't depriving her of a relationship that doesn't exist.

The only thing the girl is entitled to is her medical history which she'll likely need as she gets older. I'm sure the girl will want to know why and the truth is far worse than not having contact.

Not in the least TA. She was coerced to have the child, gave her up at day one. Baby was adopted. As someone who went through almost word for word the same pregnancy, i chose a separate adoptive couple who tried for 2 decades to have a family unsuccessfully. I'm willing to meet her when she wishes to but i understand that not everyone is in the same boat. She was a surrogate and the woman who raised her was her mom. Anyone who is saying she's in the wrong for making the responsible choices that she did...all i can say is i hope they don't have children so they don't pass their intolerance, self-righteousness and stupidity on to the next generation. OP gave her her best start to life knowing that she couldn't care for her without resenting her which takes incredible strength. If meeting her now will tear down 14 years of rebuilt mental stability not meeting her is the right choice for her.

Bravo for making such a difficult decision, he made his bed and now he can live with it. Biology does NOT make a parent, the girls mother passed and shame on her for being weak and telling her she wasn’t her mother. You made the best decision for you and you have stuck to it through the years, haters gonna hate but who cares.

The child’s desire to meet you is likely the gap she is feeling in her heart because she is now motherless. Difficult situation. Share your medical information and close it down as even though YNA it is still going to be heartbreaking for her. Do your best for the children you have now. The child is living with at least two people in her household who are in direct family relationship with her. They will have to find a new way to bond without their now deceased mother.

She was tricked out of having the abortion she wanted. The kid shouldn't exist, yet does because her father was a lying, cheating, scumbag who manipulated the letter writer with fake promises. She owes neither one anything. Not medical history (seriously, the man was her husband for years, if he doesn't have an idea of what her medical history is, he's worse than we thought) not a conversation, not a letter, nothing. I think Mark is trying to get a wife replacement, and the daughter a mom replacement. They're grieving and latching on like drowning people trying to climb a nearby swimmer. She should tell Mark to tell his daughter the girl had a "real" mother, and it wasn't her. And then block him and set all of her social media to private and unsearchable.

the people who say YTA are clearly either people who have never experienced and cannot begin to understand how traumatic childbirth is when you WANT the child or they are people who do grasp one if the most crucial points, which is that her step mother is in fact her real mother as far as everything is concerned. OP literally did nothing except carry the child to term. she willingly gave up the child after experiencing something so incredibly heartbreaking, I do not know how she even recovered from it, but I am so happy she did. She's fully justified in refusing to meet the child. as another commenter pointed out, a medical history (if there is anything crucial that must be known), is a good idea, but that is also solely up to OPs discretion. She owes the child AND her horrible ex absolutely nothing at all. Also, biological relations do not determine a 'real' parent. The parent that is there and sticks around and raises the child is the parent. you do not become a parent via genes.

It seems like the cheating husband doesn't want the child around now that the adoptive mother has passed away. He should never have contacted her directly. He should have gone through a legal representative or a family member. He signed a legal contract and needs to live up to it.

She should provide the kid a letter and possibly a photo. The kid did not ask to be born; pity the mistress died and the father didn't, but dying is too good for him.