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50 Women Share The Red Flags They Ignored While Dating That Became A Reality After Marriage
There are a million things to consider before getting married. Whether or not you and your partner plan to have children, where the two of you want to live, whether or not you’ll combine your finances, and of course, any unresolved issues within your relationship. Tying the knot can be one of the most exciting times in your life, but it’s important to remember that all of those annoying or concerning habits that your partner has prior to getting married will not vanish overnight. In fact, it’s likely that they’ll only grow over time.
Women have recently been opening up on Reddit about some of the red flags they ignored in their relationships before getting married, so we've gathered some of their most poignant responses below. Keep reading to also find an interview with a counselor from The Marriage Foundation, and don't forget to upvote any answers that might help someone else recognize unsettling behavior in their own partner!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Persistence- at first I was flattered that he didn’t just nevermind my “no” to dating him or my not answering my phone if I was upset.
Persistence meant he cared! People who “don’t care” just never mind it.
Probably the MOST incorrect thing I ever believed.
Persistence is a 🚩 Refusing to let you leave it at
“no” is a consent issue. Refusing to let you make the choice to not talk rn is a control issue. This is a sign this human doesn’t respect boundaries or consent.
At first 5 missed calls after a bicker is kinda charming. 15yrs later it’s threats to your life if you don’t answer now!
NEVER mistake persistence for “caring”
The only thing a human should ever persist onto you is taking care of yourself. Any other reason is for *their* self gain.
holly smethurst 2 years ago
On the opposite, silent treatment is a form of abuse.. being ignored as punishment for something you disagreed with. Equally as absurd and abusive
Alicia M 2 years ago
I was married to a "nice guy" for 12 years. They are great, until the first time you disagree, or don't go along with what they want. Then they're a whole different person. There were so many red flags I missed. Love bombing, never taking no for an answer, lying, always the victim, etc. He never met a boundary he wasn't willing to trample. After planning our separation (at my insistence) and going through with it, he still refused to acknowledge I was leaving him. When I started dating again, he threatened my life, and did everything in his power to ruin me financially and ruin my reputation. It's been a decade, and he's still at it. This man will hate every fiber of my being until the day he dies. He's also one of those people whose never made a mistake that wasn't the fault of some "evil" woman. He did the exact same thing when he was getting divorced from his first wife. Everything was her fault. I had to hear it. Now he's with someone else. He's gaslit her into the oblivion.
Eevi 2 years ago
I was like this. I have mental health issues and recently I've been going through the diagnosis for OCD. I was just like this to my husband and didn't see anything wrong with it, I myself thought I was just caring and loving person. Thank god we all have the ability to grow and learn. I wouldn't ever do this anymore now that I'm in better place with my mental health.
Anyone-for-tea? 2 years ago
Or if you say no to nude photos, they then say what about a video call, or then what about a quick flash of something etc etc. They ask for the biggest, perhaps most controversial thing first, then work their way through other forms of “communication” so those things don’t seem as bad as the initial request in an attempt to wear you down. And this was from someone known for their supportive stance of all Equality and Diversity issues in the workplace.
ali lilley 2 years ago
My second husband did this. I learnt too late that he was a massive control freak. Never again!
Boris Long-Johnson 2 years ago
Initial “don’t say no” “never give up” etc is the trope of almost every romantic movie out there and a lot of them end “happily ever after” - I wonder how many people have been screwed up by this.
RELATED:
#2
The way he treats OTHER people, not just me.
That is, he was good to me early on, because he wanted to impress me. The poor treatment came later.
So the lesson I learned is to watch how he (or she) treats OTHER people. Since they’re not trying to impress them, you can spot their true colors much more easily that way.
Watch how they treat their friends, family, coworkers, etc. You’re looking for a pattern of behavior. If they have a problem with their boss, maybe they have a bad boss. If they have a problem with every boss they’ve ever had, that’s a different story!
Similar for friends. Maybe they have one problematic friend, but that’s different from having problems with practically ALL their friends!
Especially pay attention to how they treat women they’re not attracted to. And to people they consider “inferior” (for example, waitstaff and retail workers). And of course, pay attention to who they consider inferior in the first place!
Alexia 2 years ago
The way (s)he treats animals too. If you see displays of cruelty and anger towards a harmless animal, RUN.
Melissa 2 years ago
Run and take the poor animal with you if you can safely do so.
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LongCoolWomanInABlackDress 2 years ago
Also, if all their exes were crazy the exes were probably not the issue..
patricia patricia 2 years ago
Considering other people "inferior" for whatever reason is a huge red flag in itself.
Hazel M 2 years ago
Also the opposite! If they're super keep to impress others and are really polite, complimentary, big spenders buying people rounds in fancy bars etc. My ex-husband was like this and like so many I was drawn in by the charm, until he started turning around and treating me like dirt, telling his admirers lies about me to excuse his behaviour. The illusion fell away for friends one by one though too - especially my best friend of the time who he lavished praise on about how wonderful she looked before going out, only for her to ask "and your lovely wife?" and he said "okay". Good behaviour in public can hide a nasty side in private.
Emy Loves 2 years ago
Exactly! Some men (and women) desperately seek the attention and approval of others so they are good to them but treat their closest loved ones the absolute worst.
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KimTx ️ 2 years ago
Ladies, watch how he treats his mother and sisters. If he is rude or aggressive with them, you could be next. Also note how his father treats his wife and children. These are often learned behaviors. Not that he would be exactly like his father. There are men who see the abuse or mistreatment and strive to break the cycle.
Riley Quinn 2 years ago
Another insight into someone's personality is the way they treat animals. Not just their own, but wild animals, too.
Kate Jones 2 years ago (edited)
Especially on the last point... I'm overweight. I'm not hideous but I'm not someone who gets hit on regularly. And I've had more than one experience going out with pretty friends and we'll be in a group of guys and other women and she'll leave a table or go to a bathroom and the way men start to talk about her...right in front of me...was disgusting. Do you really think i'm not going to tell my friend how you were scoping out other girls or talking about her hot as$? One time a guy bought drinks for the other 2 girls at my table but not me. Do you think treating me like a leper is going to make you seem better to her, my friend? It would have been better to just send her the drink. Why exclude one person?? Or don't even spend money, just come up and say hello.
Noname 2 years ago
My ex didn't want his parents to attend our wedding. When his dad called me, he coached me on how to turn him down. I thought I was helping my husband through an awkward family situation. 15 years later I realized he was lying to everyone and making me the patsy. If you don't speak the language, and if they won't help you or your children learn their native language, that's a Huge red flag. Huge.
Audrey Malone 2 years ago (edited)
My sister dated a guy who was great to her AT FIRST; he just got really upset at cops, or his students. Then after she moved in with him he'd get really mad at me and our grandparents. He made our grandma cry and sister dumped him that day. THANK G-D
To learn more about the red flags to keep an eye out for before deciding to get married, we reached out to a counselor at The Marriage Foundation to hear their thoughts on the topic. We were curious if unresolved issues in a relationship tend to be exacerbated after a couple chooses to tie the knot. “Marriage is not meant to be issues-based. Once you have found your soulmate and decide that they are the one with whom you want to complete your life’s journey with, your relationship/marriage is intended to be lived on the highest planes of love and happiness,” the counselor told Bored Panda.
“Any so-called issue that comes up, and they do come up, should be a call to action on your part, individually, to rise above your own judgments, criticisms, and so forth,” they went on to note. “Those are the lessons in life, for you. Even those that seem to be the most complicated and challenging, are to be seen as dust compared to the unconditional love you are learning to give and live within.”
#3
I've read quite a few comments and am surprised that this hasn't ranked higher:
The biggest red flag is them rushing the relationship and expressing strong feelings too early on. It spells terrible every time.
Tinkerbest 2 years ago
Love bombing can be very toxic as it is one sided. The person being 'bombed' has no time or space to make their own choices
️ saturn the furry (she/they) 2 years ago
Yeah my current gf love bombed me and now I have no clue what to do 😣
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Brandy P 2 years ago
There's exceptions to every rule I suppose. My partner and I met and moved in together two weeks later (not my first choice, but life circumstances were heavily involved). Over four years later and (nearly, we are human) zero issues. He makes me feel like the movies and I hope he always does.
PinkLadyEmpress 2 years ago
It could also happen if you’ve known each other for a long time but didn’t start dating right away.
Load More Replies... Phryne 2 years ago
This always cracks me up...I live in Utah, where quick engagements and marriages are the norm. And the marriages often last - happily - for decades. The quickest couple I knew met in a car accident, were engaged 3 weeks later, and married 3 weeks after that. They had a good marriage Iwhich lasted about 50 years until she died. Now the really scary one was the guy who "forgot his wallet" and we had to go get it. He disappeared and his mother "proposed." They had our whole lives planned out (which included living with her - ugh). It was OUR FIRST DATE! Biiiig NO!
Seabeast 2 years ago
Yes, they rush it because they don't want you taking time to notice their flaws.
Noname 2 years ago (edited)
The test of any relationship is to be able to speak honestly. If one person in the relationship can't speak honestly, they are the toxic component. If you're afraid to hurt someone and lose their affection because you don't feel as strongly as they do about your relationship, but you don't want to lose their affection because you've got nothing else, that's just stringing along someone until you might find someone better-- and it's toxic.
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Larry Face 2 years ago
Wait really? I express strong feelings as soon as I feel them- I didn't know that was bad 😅 (then again I'm a teen-)
Kaa 2 years ago
Well, you first start having a HUGE crush on someone. The "crush feeling" will eventually cool off, often during the first 2 or 3 months. Then either the deeper feeling of love develops - or just not, you can't force it. Maybe spare the big gestures like dropping the L word or proposing for later when you're sure it's not just your genitals talking ;)
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IDGAFabtUrFeelings 2 years ago
I learned this the hard way. He was love bombing me and I fell for it. I fell in love and learned later he lied...he didn't love me...just said the things I want to hear.
wyngerd 2 years ago (edited)
Happened to me, my urge not to be alone made me start a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. Now I wait untill i am ok with myself. Can take some years.
wyngerd 2 years ago
Ok i am mislead. It was going out already for some months. But it was still to fast. Not at all first date Love declare...
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Paul Neff 2 years ago
Love bombing, (in many cases), means the enthusiastic partner is quite probably making assumptions or simply projecting onto you the qualities they are desperate to see. It amounts to gambling on the heart's luck. You might win, you might lose, it is firmly documented going either direction for many.
#4
i dated a sociopath at one point. he started making pancakes early on, which aren’t a favorite of mine. he would cook up a whole batch and then put them in the fridge drawer *for me* to eat later i had a stressful and demanding job that didn’t pay well, so i’d get home and be too exhausted to fix a meal. i would resort to eating a cold pancake as i’d be too hungry to heat it after a couple of weeks, one time he comes home from work late (he worked at local nightclubs doing sound) and i often would have passed out on the bed, fully dressed. he whispered something in my ear that didn’t make sense to me and i couldn’t remember what he’d said for years—but i’ve remembered and will put that at the bottom of this story with a tl;dr too he started putting bananas and walnuts in them. i am not fond of bananas and i find walnuts bitter, but i’d be exhausted and i’d eat one or two all the same one day, about an hour after i’d eaten a pancake and a single carrot that was close to being good only for stock, i started getting terrible stomach cramps. i started barfing, and each time i’d feel better for about five minutes before the cramps returned. i threw up everything and for a couple hours i was just dry heaving—but then i started barfing this dark green liquid, which turned out to be bile i had to go to the hospital. i couldn’t drive and had no insurance to hire an ambulance, so i called my bf at work. he blew me off, saying there was no way he could leave. i was forced to finally call 911, but it rang once before i heard the garage door open and my bf came in, so i hung up (that’s a mistake). he drove me to the hospital. on the way i had to have him pull over twice so i could get on my hands and knees at the side of the road to barf my bf’s attitude was casually dismissive of my condition which was galling we finally got to the ER, and while i was being triaged i panically told the nurse i needed to barf and they grabbed one of those tiny, curved little barf trays—i didn’t have time to complain, as i immediately barfed out the green liquid again (the color of a ripe lime) and the nurse sped me right on back. both his and my bf’s faces paled when they saw what i was barfing they take me back, get me fluids, and give me something for the horrible pain. i fall asleep almost instantly. my bf goes back to work until about 4AM when he came to pick me up we get to the house, and the landlord was standing there in his bathrobe saying the police had come by. i apologized and told him what happened. he told us the police do this automatically when you make an incomplete 911 call. lesson learned i was in fair shape by morning. i awoke to find my bf deep-cleaning the kitchen. i notice the rat poison he’d gotten a couple months ago as he said he’d seen one in the laundry room is no longer under the sink where it had been he stops making pancakes completely if this narrative made sense to you, you won’t be surprised when i say he was putting rat poison in the pancakes. he would make sure i couldn’t taste it as he gradually added more and more by putting flavorings to mask it the thing he whispered to me? “are you alive?” it was such an odd question and i was so groggy with sleep, it never properly registered in my mind, other than to wake me up in confusion tl;dr: sociopath bf put rat poison in the pancakes just to see what would happen. when i finally became deathly ill, he destroyed all the evidence EDIT: typos. plus there’s also a horrible spider story but i’ll only share that if people ask. i hope this hasn’t derailed the convo…obviously we weren’t married so i’m not quite answering the question
Zophra 2 years ago
Ah yes, it's the little things that destroy relationships...
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Katrina Gibson 2 years ago
Omg, that if horrifying. I'm so glad you got out. You really can't see the small starts of anything until they become big. The fact he would ask you that while sleeping. I feel so sick reading this. I hope he is put away forever. I hope you found a way to heal and feel safe but I can't imagine how that would work after someone you trusted ripping your would apart. I have vomited a few times just thinking about this. I have Gerd so stress makes me react like this.
deanna woods 2 years ago
My lip is practically on the floor right now. This sounds like an episode of Law and Order or Criminal Minds.
juice 2 years ago
here you go: “one evening, we were hanging out at his place, when i saw a large, black spider on the wall. i was terrified of spiders from a young age and i said this. he got rid of it then turned to me. he said, "come with me", and opened the back door. i asked where we were going, and just repeated, "come with me". i followed him outside. it was sunset and the sky was pretty, so i thought he wanted me to see that. he kept moving toward the back fence. the grass was just past knee-high, and there was a picnic bench near the center of a long lot. he said, "come here, come further down." i did. i was admiring the view, but that's not what he wanted. he said, "look down". i looked down at my feet in the grass. in confusion i asked what i was supposed to see. "look around you. look down and all around." when i did, i saw the entire yard was teeming with the same type of spider he had just taken care of…
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Riley Quinn 2 years ago
I wouldn't call attempted murder a red flag. A humongous banner, but not a flag.
We also asked the counselor why it’s so common for people to ignore or completely miss red flags in their partners before getting married. “Red flags are often ignored or put on a back-burner because the desire to be loved and experience the joys of marriage are such a great life to look forward to (it is the soul’s compelling desire) that nearly everyone sees the red flags, but chooses to ignore them, usually with a ‘hope and a prayer’ so they can have the marriage of their dreams,” the counselor explained. “Some imagine that it’s a subconscious ignoring, but it isn’t. It is deliberate…and understandable.”
The Marriage Foundation’s counselor also provided us with some tips for how people can be more cautious before saying “I do”. “If you remind yourself that marriage is a lifetime commitment, spending the entire time with someone’, you will be more apt to prepare a list of what you are looking for, based on your own desires and wisdom, along with a list of things you do not want,” they told Bored Panda. The counselor also added that The Marriage Foundation has specific courses diving into this topic, including processes that help individuals choose the right soulmate.
#5
He lied about all kinds of things.
Told me that a coworkers wife had cancer (she didn’t ) told me later that I had made that up.
He told me that if he got an erection and it wasn’t satisfied, he would have to go to the hospital to have it fixed (I can’t believe I was that naive)
He told me that my mother and he had an affair before we met (why would he say that?) told me she came onto him.
When I found a ring box on the Christmas tree that my father had hidden for my mother, he said it was from him. When I excitedly showed it to my father, who was truly shocked, he just shrugged. Told me I misunderstood.
Told his and mine 9 yo son he was coming home for Christmas and had lots of toys for him. He never showed up and no toys ever came. Told me my son misheard him.
Told everyone at the same sons funeral that he “always” wrote to his son since the divorce and they had a special bond. He never ever wrote and my son had legally changed his name to mine and never bothered telling his father. My son never saw or heard anything from his father since we left 14 years earlier.
Kim Lorton 2 years ago
I am so sorry you had to deal with someone like that, and very sorry, you lost your son. I am so glad he had you in his life!
TurquoiseTzarina 2 years ago
100% C R A Z Y !!! May have been undiagnosed, though.
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Jan Bowyer 2 years ago
I concur. Gaslighting at its worst. Not always easy to ascertain, particularly when you're not looking for it.
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Jack Harris 2 years ago (edited)
My God.... That man WILL get his one day....I'm a firm believer that all women should have at least 1 plutonic guy friend. Someone they trust. Most of us are pretty damn good at seeing some men for the con artists they are, and would happily intervene to protect their friend. Don't discount our primal instinct to protect those we love from danger, even emotional danger.
#6
I refuse to parent a full grown man.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago (edited)
That's why single women are happier and healthier than ones in a relationship (edit: with men). Also that's why it's the other way around with men.
Jenny James 2 years ago
This is correct and backed up by research. No I will not post the research.
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Jeya Mackelle 2 years ago
Agreed. I will off myself before that ever happens. You are an adult, you will freaking act like one. I'm not your ride or die or your mother kor bangmaid. I'd much rather be single and happy and at peace then with a man who cant function on his own even with a gun against his head. Scratch that. I would rather die rich, happy, and single than the alternative.
Neuridivergent 2 years ago
Yup. I wanted to return my ex to his mom and tell her to finish raising him. But i am not that b****y. And i later decided he chose to be that way and it wasn't her fault
Ignatious Darke 2 years ago
My ex (at 55) is now living with his mother and a part of me feels bad for her, but if she’d raised him to be respectful and considerate he wouldn’t be such a burden on her now
Load More Replies... Jo Slatermill 2 years ago (edited)
That one is a double edged sword. cuz many women TRY to parent a full grown man. like tell you what to ware cuz THEY don't like your choices. I once dated a women (she was 35 at the time) and on our 2nd date she brought me a shirt to ware... dude wtf I don't need a 2nd mother...
J 2 years ago
You make a good point. Sorry for the downvotes. All of these behaviors are rooted in upbringing and values. Your example seems like straight up control by a toxic person. On the other hand, many toxic people (of all genders) use the tactic of total helplessness to essentially control their partners into taking care of them. Good for you for seeing the red flag 🚩 and getting away.
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Jane Cortez 2 years ago
Sadly men want to be nurtured, ( generally) and are not good at reciprocating…
Amanda Hunter 2 years ago
And that's exactly what a lot of older men want, a nurse and a purse.
We also asked the counselor what the most important factors are for couples to consider before deciding to get married. “It is all about values, not race, age, or other outer factors. Not even social compatibility matters when you are married,” they shared. “We should carefully discover all we can about anyone who is a ‘potential’ and consider where you may meet them, too. For instance, if you are a conservative woman (I don’t mean politically) you don’t want to meet someone at a bar. Learn about their values, discreetly so you are not fooled. Also, be clear about your own values. Do you want kids? Do you want to belong to a church? Do you believe in abortion? The more you know about them the easier it will be to compare them with your list, which you should be true to.”
If you’d like to gain even more advice about building or maintaining your marriage from The Marriage Foundation, you can find their website right here.
#7
My ex-husband punched a hole into the closet door next to my head while we were dating. I grew up in an abusive home so this definitely meant he was so angry bc he loved me so much…he escalated. Pushing, etc. We divorced only a couple years into it. His now wife of about 18 years recently contacted me bc he’s actually whipped her a*s and no one believes her. She had a feeling I would. She’s figured out also that so much of what he’s told her is lies. She’s leaving.
Claire Elise 2 years ago (edited)
That's a real life superhero. I'm determined not to hate my ex-husbands baby mama because she might need my help someday. And I'll be there: I don't need to know her because I knew him for 14 years.
Russell Tilling 2 years ago
I knew a lady once who was beaten by her father who also beat her mother. They divorced and he got together with someone else who he then started on. Her daughter (a policewoman) told him if that ever happened again, she would get him arrested. It stopped and they are still together.
Jo Slatermill 2 years ago
I know a man who dated a women who had a bit of a "temper". 6 months after they were married she suddenly snapped and hit him. turn out she had schizophrenia, was committed at young age, took daily pills, and hide it from him the whole time. he divorced her and his parents sued her parents for the wedding cost (which they paid fully) . and won.
Ivan Petrov 2 years ago
This "he beats me, because he loves me" narrative is so messed up. How people fall into these rabbit holes is a mystery to me. We really need to deal with this mentality - abuse is never born out of love.
Honey Bee 2 years ago
Well, it's slow. It builds up over time, just like all the other kinds of abuse. It's easy to look at the victim of the abuse from the outside and say, isn't it obvious?? Why can't you just leave? Can't you see what's really happening? Reality is skewed because the survivors are too close and too invested and too manipulated. I know, because I went through this myself.
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Becca Kuehn 2 years ago
Glad that you got away from him safely I hope she gets out SAFELY also.
Daelyah 2 years ago
My own half-brother recently confessed to striking his own partner, breaking her teeth and sending her to the hospital...after lying for so long that she was the one who attacked him. They were also back together, as of his confession. I straight up told him that neither of them were mature enough for a relationship, and he has to get his s**t together... Needless to say, regardless of him being my sibling, he's now banned from my home. I need to prioritize my partner's safety and my own. (The half-brother also got put on suspension last year from his military branch, for pointing a weapon at one of his peers...I want to avoid being "strike three" of his violent outbursts.)
#8
Little white lies.
Turned out he also told huge lies as well.
Sunshine Lady 2 years ago
When I met my husband, I was impressed by his honesty. He was (and still is) honest with everyone all the time, 100% of the time. To say that this is easy - it's not, but I prefer that. I on the other hand was a compulsive liar - lying for small and big things without even thinking about it. I have changed a lot and now I can say I'm honest just like him 😊
C Lawson 2 years ago
That's a hard thing to come clean about. I caught myself lying about inconsequential things after I left my ex husband. I had to tiptoe around and make things fit his life so much that I didn't even realize that I was literally living one big lie to avoid abuse. It takes a lot of unlearning. Its also a big accomplishment and a lot of growth, so well done and congrats!
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David Kirscht 2 years ago
All true, but let's remember the actual definition of a white lie. A white lie is a harmless lie to avoid hurting someone, not used to cover up something. A white lie is not "yeah i took care the electric bill" when they really drank it, or "no baby, she im'd me but I did t pay no attention". A white lie is "no sweetie, that doesn't make you look fat" or "I think that new hair cut looks nice."
Vix Spiderthrust 2 years ago
No. A white lie is a benign lie told to spare somebody else's feelings. It's not the same thing as malicious deceit.
Denise Melek 2 years ago (edited)
Yeah..."I was in a long term relationship" turned out too be"I'm married and just moved out", "I moved out and live with friends" to " I still sleep at my wives house a couple of nights a week" and " I'm visiting my family, oh no, you don't have to take me to the airport, it's too much for you thank you" to " I'm going with my wife, she should still feel included." He just wanted" to make it uncomplicated and everybody to be happy". F****d up my head, this wannabe white knight. I hate people pleaser since then. Edit: Of course wife didn't know "I'm meeting other people" ment he had been in a relationship with me for 6 months, so she went berserk discovering it. I think the one he wanted to make happy was mostly himself
Sonja 2 years ago
A random person telling you they love your white elephant gift to not hurt your feelings? Little white lie. Your spouse telling you they love your gifts and secretly regifting them or 'accidentally' breaking them is not. Telling someone intelligent and reliable who feels like an idiot after something stupid happened once that you too did the same to make them feel better is a white lie. Masking someone's incompetence that way repeatedly is not. It totally depends what lie they tell if it's a white lie or not. White lies have only one reason: to help another person feeling better about something inconsequential that has no real impact and isn't meant to make you look better. If it is different, it's just a lie.
Noname 2 years ago (edited)
I had a Brit friend who was married, but separated, from her husband for 6+ years. She was actively seeking a relation with other men, but her criteria was that they weren't involved in any other relationship, even though she's still married. When I called her out on her duplicity, she was all " I haven't lived with my husband for 6 years and I can't afford a divorce." She meets all these guys on a dating app, shows me the d**k pics, gets all chuffed up over meeting these guys who end up f***king her after a coffee and then ghosting her. Then she cries to me because it hurts her feelings that these guys f***ed her and then either block her or call only for booty. Did I mention that she's not my friend anymore? If she's like this with men, how is she treating me?
Noname 2 years ago (edited)
Oh, and I'm not impressed by the d**k pics. The woman who'll flaunt the d**k picks like they're valentines also refused to hold a bag of coq (we live in France, and coq are small clams her kids and I dug up). She won't hold coq but gets horny over d**k picks. I don't understand Brit slags.
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Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
Casual lying shows they don't value on honesty and are more likely to tell big lies when it benefits them.
#9
Basic inability to do generic things like making doctors appointments. I’m now his mother in this aspect and it drives me up a wall
K- THULU 2 years ago
100% with you there.... I have chronic anxiety,Iive alone and have no family.... I'm incapable doing anything like that without going into total meltdown.....
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Winnie the Moo 2 years ago
You allow yourself to be his mother you mean. Don’t call the doctor is all you gotta do…
Jared Robinson 2 years ago
If he can't make doctors appointments for himself then he must not need to go to the doctor that badly. It's your choice to be your husbands babysitter instead of his wife.
Ches Yamada 2 years ago
I have anxiety and have problems doing things. I do what I can, and my husband helps me. Guess what - he has problems with other things that I can help with! So it's a partnership like marriage or friendship should be. "I'm now his mother in this aspect" sounds like she has to do this *one* thing for him and she's irritated. If he's lazy that's bad but he could have issues.
OMGhonestly 2 years ago
Why are people downvoting those on this page with good, adult boundaries who are suggesting not colluding by not making the appointments for the other person?
Jiminy 2 years ago (edited)
I see it on other posts of this kind too. I commented something similar once on a post of a woman who was sick of always buying and wrapping all presents for their children and his family and friends as well as HER OWN (her presents from him, I mean). Comment "Just stop doing it" and you get downvoted into oblivion, because... I have no idea why, honestly. Perhaps they perceive that society pressures them into doing it and thus think it's victim blaming? Or they don't like to be reminded that they are willing accomplices in the situation? (Obviously this does not apply if it's an abusive relationship.)
Load More Replies... patricia patricia 2 years ago
Is it "inability" or just pure laziness? If it drives you up the wall, stop doing it. He will learn how to do it as soon as he needs to.
#10
Not cleaning up after themselves/helping with cooking and cleaning. Never again.
David Kirscht 2 years ago (edited)
I was a stay at home dad for over 12 years. It was how I supported my wife's career. I never expected her to help with the cooking or cleaning or laundry because I considered that my job. It was a matter of division of labor, not authority or superiority/ inferiority. Her labor was at the office, mine was at home. But that was what was best for US. People at her office would say things to her like "you mean your husband doesn't work?" And she would respond "he works very hard, he just doesn't get a paycheck. "
M Calad 2 years ago
This one! This happened with my ex husband. He was very lazy, but I thought that once we lived together things would change. It didn't. Then when we had a baby it would change. Wrong again. I.e.: He would always promise he would help to clean the kitchen after dinner while I bathed and put our daughters sleep. I was so exhausted working full time that I usually crashed sleeping our daughter. He didn't clean. He spent the evening on his phone. I woke up to the smell of food, dirty dishes and food stuck to pans. Then I'd clean and complain and he'd say I wasn't patient, that he would do ot eventually. My record was waiting two days. He never did it. He always knew I ended up doing it. He would also spend hours in the toilet pretending to poop to avoid doing things. Always on his phone. Our daughter didn't want him to change her or bathe her because she wasn't used to him. After two years I couldn't anymore and left him. Never regretted it.
Alexia 2 years ago
"But it's your duty to clean up and cook, that's what women do." Nope. That's what your mommy taught you. I am not your mommy, and I will not attempt to correct her educational fails in raising you.
Jo Slatermill 2 years ago
Some women also don't really clean or cook. when the first time she shower at your place and you find her black hair spread all over the shower...
#11
The coveted “he hates everyone but me”. Yes it makes you feel special and fawned over, but you’re gonna have to be everything for them because they have no other meaningful relationships in their life.
Lisa H 2 years ago
"hates everyone"; huge, massive red flag if that includes friends and family and hating others for no apparent reason. Don't let yourselves be this person's "one and only" because that won't end well.
Babsevs 2 years ago
This one should be higher....not being able to maintain any relationships outside of yours shows massive inability across a huge range of emotional levels. Lack of empathy, understanding, consideration and concern for anyone except himself and the person he chose to be an extension of himself (partner) shows a skewed version of every interaction. Hugely damaging to the person he has entrapped in his warped vision
RafCo (he/him/ele) 2 years ago
I think it depends. My wife thinks it's strange that i rarely go out with friends. I don't hate them, I actually have a more diverse group of friends then she has, because I'm easy to get along with and I'm accepting of viewpoints that I don't agree with. But I'm also a homebody and an introvert. I like going out on my bicycle, or hiking trails, but i prefer to go alone, or take my kids to find bugs and birds. So I don't often go out with friends. No hate, I like them just fine.
Load More Replies... Jo Slatermill 2 years ago
Another thing that also apply to women the same way. over clingy women that just constantly looking for a father/husband/bestfriend figure in her life.
KBT 2 years ago (edited)
You know you can just make your own women-hating article on this site, right? You don't need to try to hijack this article about garbage males to make yourself feel better about your misogyny lmfao
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Ivan Petrov 2 years ago (edited)
What happens when he shifts his "non-hate" to another person? Also "He hates everyone but me" is a lot more different than "He loves only me".
Ashley Schriber 2 years ago
Not only that, but there will come a time when you won't do, think, say, or be exactly what he wants you to do, think, say or be, and he will become just as contemptuous toward you. That "special" feeling is a gilded cage.
Audrey Malone 2 years ago
If he can't keep ANY other relationships, it's because he's a prick.
#12
Being a nice guy can also have it’s downfalls. Avoiding conflict at all cost, even saying sorry when it isn’t truly meant solves nothing. Something inside of him truly believes he can do no wrong, bc he’s so nice, right!? Wrong. Turns out he believes he’s so nice so when he does something wrong, it’s all my fault, or it’s all my fault for not immediately accepting his sorry and then he gets abusive bc he believes he deserves to be forgiven on his terms. Not so nice after all.
What does this button do? 2 years ago
A nice guy who believes he's a nice guy, typically isn't. My wife says there are good guys and nice guys and she's glad I'm the former. I'll take her word for it... I'm lucky we found each other. <3
Agnes Jekyll 2 years ago
My experience with people who say sorry all the time: it doesn't mean anything, it actually means "approve of me" and they won't say they are sorry when they SHOULD. Nor can they accept that they have made a mistake or hurt someone.
Ranita 2 years ago (edited)
I am looking for one word to define these kind of people. I am currently describing them as people in denial. The worst part is that they will never let you win an argument because according to them they are always right. They always have a reason behind doing or saying everything which according to them justifies their action.
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
I'm honestly the opposite. Truck broke down? My fault. Building collapsed? My fault. No matter what happens, if it affects my family in anyway, I feel its my fault. Likely due to how I grew up.
#13
Not keeping his word. He didn't keep his word on small things then and now he doesn't keep his word on larger things.
Fizzer 2 years ago
It's always the small problems that you don't notice first, then they become bigger and they you're no longer in charge of the situation and can't do anything anymore
David Kirscht 2 years ago
A person who is faithful with a little, will be faithful with a lot. Or so they say.
chops jones 2 years ago
Omg that was the last thing I screamed into the phone" why can't u just keep your word?!!!" Never talked to him again...
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
That was a huge issue with my father. I go out of my way to keep my word. So much so that if I'm unable to for reasons beyond my control, I basically shutdown. Its really unhealthy.
#14
always left dishes piled up in the sink until mold grew, and didn't really pick up his clothes. It turns out, mommy did everything for him, so he never thought much about it. I should have realized this wasn't going to change when we moved in together.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Sadly many parents even today expect their girl children to do chores and help with house work, but their boys not as much.
Kathi Schäffer 2 years ago (edited)
Let me preface this by saying, of course I can't control what parents teach (or don't teach) their kids. But I feel it's so important to teach the little ones (both boys and girls) to clean up after themselves. I work in a daycare centre and if a kid spills their drink, we tell them "It's okay, it's no big deal but please get a cloth and wipe it up." And we can always tell when they're not used to that from home because they'll be like "No, you do it." And that's when we tell them "No, I wasn't the one who spilled anything. When I spill something, I will wipe it up, too." And that's one thing I don't negotiate. If the kid is old enough to clean up their own mess, they have to do it. Of course it needs to be clear to the child that noone is mad, that it happens to everyone, but that we clean up after ourselves.
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jdtimid123 2 years ago
I'll admit, I had a hard time doing dishes for a while. When I'm living alone I always just left them till I ran out of dishes and had no choice but to wash them. But my husband mentioned that he felt like he was doing all the work, and I started making a bigger effort. I do them more often now, but I think a lot of it was not realizing how much my depression and anxiety were affecting my energy levels to do basic stuff like that. The difference is I did make an effort to be a better partner. As opposed to just expecting someone else to do all the chores. (Also started taking meds for my anxiety, which made a much bigger difference than I expected them to)
patricia patricia 2 years ago
That's different. Anxiety and depression drain you of all your energy, and even a very small effort seem to be like climbing the Everest.
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Array Index Out of Bounds 2 years ago
I'm fortunate that my parents installed in me a good work ethic. They owned a little apartment complex that was built back in the 1940s so there was always maintenance to be done. I learned how to fix just about anything.
Jeremy James 2 years ago
This makes me so glad that I was raised by a single, working Mom. My sister and I got to learn basic life skills early on.
Rhonda Gestos 2 years ago
Yeah there's no excuse for sloth and filth. Makes me feel sick and depressed.
Amanda Hunter 2 years ago
I wish my daughter would listen to me, this is one of the problems she has with her boyfriend.
#15
1) When he was proud of not ever doing anything he didn't want to. Turns out he's right, he won't. Which included changing absolutely anything in his life when the children arrived.
2) the holes in the walls. Speaks for itself.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago (edited)
So proud how he never had to go against his values... like never doing the laundry, cooking, or cleaning. Yes, I'm talking from experience
Shark Lady 2 years ago
My friend's boyfriend has said he won't do anything he doesn't want to, which basically means that he controls everything and won't do anything that my friend wants to do. He even controls how her home is (they don't live together) if he wants an early night he makes her sleep on the sofa so she doesn't disturb him.
Melia Janssen 2 years ago
I'll get lambasted for this but I don't care as it needs to be said. Why do women insist on having children with men like these?! They already see how they are like, did they really think that they were going to change when children came into the picture?!
KBT 2 years ago
Most of the time, males will babytrap women early in the relationship before these cracks start showing. It's NOT that women are having babies with a******s, it's that these males are making an effort to keep these women tied to them for 18 years. It's a form of abuse.
Load More Replies... Kat Min 2 years ago
People who say they never do anything they don't want are simply dysfunctional. The world does not revolve around us. We have to make compromises, do things we don't like, at least occasionally. Putting up with sh1t (in reasonable amounts, mind you!) also makes us more resilient. Just look at all the cry babies who were unable to just wear a damn mask during a pandemic. Spoiled, overgrown children who cannot cope with things they don't like.
#16
If y’all spend money differently, don’t think it’s going to change after your married, after you have kids, after you have a joint bank account, etc. Financial reasons are the number one reason people get divorced and if you aren’t on the same page now, you most likely won’t be 5,10, 15 years later.
Mary August 2 years ago
Have your own money aswell. Joint account and your own account. I have to have some money he has no power ovet. I don't want to ask permissin to use my own money. And I don't always like how he uses his money, but it is his so I just have suck it up.
Seabeast 2 years ago
We do the same. I don't understand people who are baffled by this and think you have to pool *all* your joint income.
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Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
Money is about control, about how we see the future, and that is a huge problem if people are too different and can't compromise. Big hint numero uno: Keep bank accounts and credit cards separate. ---- my mom had to hide the checkbook from my dad, so just sayin'.
LuLuBelle 2 years ago
It should be "my money, your money, and our money." Having everything in joint accounts is a recipe for disaster. I don't want anyone telling me how I can or cannot spend my discretionary funds. And I don't care what he uses his for, as long as we have enough pooled for household expenses and emergencies. A partner wanting to control your personal money is a huge red flag. They don't want you to be able to flee.
LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 years ago
I just can't wrap my mind around separate bank accounts. My wife and I are paying for our house, we pay our bills, we raise our daughter. In getting married we committed to build a whole life together, so why would we split finances. It just seems more difficult. That said, if it works for you, go for it.
MoMcB 2 years ago
My husband and I were both left penniless by ex spouses, so when we decided to be together, we started the spreadsheet. Every outgoing is listed, and we've always split them equally. The spreadsheet has evolved, and we recently paid off our mortgage, so it works for us.
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Felype Rennan 2 years ago
I always say that the healthiest way to structure finance is proportional split. Example if I earn 60% of the household income, I pay 60% of the expenses and contribute 60% in all savings and investments. Everything is decided in tandem, in this way both get to keep some of their own particular money to invest on their own hobbies and also gifting each other when they want. Home chores should be split 50/50 unless one of the parties don't have a job. It's fair, because both will be doing the same financial sacrifice for the sake of maintaining the household, neither can use finance in an argument because both will be putting the same effort and so it almost eliminates one of the biggest problems of the modern day marriage
Bear Family 2 years ago
Dear wife and I pool our money but I think everyone ought to have a little personal emergency fund - especially ladies with children. Perhaps secret of the marriage isn't healthy. Just an emergency getting out of the house fund in case spouse takes a sour turn.
Bear Family 2 years ago
Typo - perhaps a secret fund if the marriage isn't healthy.
Load More Replies... Claire Elise 2 years ago
I can't believe I was ever this naive, but: ex told me he controlled the joint bank account because his name was first on our checks, so I had to okay every transaction with him beforehand. The week he lost his job I went to the bank. The associate was, to put it mildly, righteously offended. "Is your name on the account? Then it's your money." I knew where to go from there.
#17
Silent treatment
Elizabeth Tayler 2 years ago
It may not seem like a big deal, but it really is a major warning sign.
LuLuBelle 2 years ago
My husband tries this with me, but I just tell him "Oh, good. You're not talking to me. Thank you for that! What a relief" and go about my business. Magically, 20 minutes later, he's all chatty again. But it's nice while it lasts. After 20 years, I've heard everything he has to say and honestly could pretty much care less about it at this point.
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
So... when does it go from "calming down" to "silent treatment"? Because I've been accused of giving the silent treatment less than 2 minutes after the argument while I was still trying to calm down. And when I told her I wasn't ready to discuss it yet, she got even angrier.
Brazen 2 years ago
I'm the same way. I need to take a moment to collect myself because I don't want to say anything that I cannot take back. I am trying not to be hurtful, and I suspect that might be part of your reasoning as well.
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Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
Okay, here…the silent treatment can be a huge red flag. But, it’s also easy to mistake someone who locks down in defense as giving the silent treatment. People with complex PTSD do this.
Linda T 2 years ago
And also narcissistic personality disorder when they aren't receiving all the attention.
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chops jones 2 years ago
Dated a guy who did this to me & his child. His son no longer speaks to him after he turned 18.. I wonder why?!
Sunshine Lady 2 years ago
My mother uses this type of manipulation. It's awful. She can be silent for months. There was a case when she didn't spoke a word to my father for 3 or 4 months while living together.
Linda T 2 years ago
My mother did this to my father too, but only for a day or two. Then she'd blow a gasket and start chewing him out for hours. Usually he had no clue what she was mad about even after being chewed out.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 2 years ago
Before you go quiet just say "I need a bit of time to process what you said, I'm not ignoring it. Please let me think and I'll respond once I've calmed down and processed. I'm not being passive aggressive by being silent." I found this helped a lot.
Bear Family 2 years ago
Had a roommate who did this. Then his guests would be silent with me too. Never did figure out the problem. Always on time with bills, we both did the chores, I was a good easy quiet roomie. They were very churchy and I wasn't (still not). Decided they must not have approved of my "heathen ways". I wasn't dating or drinking but maybe I was just too darn content - or something. People can be really weird. Was happy several years later when I could afford my own place.
#18
Extreme jealousy. I dated some who watched my house, tried to trace my calls, let me see no one but him, constant arguments, was late, insulted me.
Alexia 2 years ago
My ex used to tell me that jealousy meant he was deeply in love in me. Nope. Jealousy meant endless discussions with me trying to explain that I was, indeed, travelling for business and not "spending time with a male colleague". How do you prove that you didn't do something?
Jeremy James 2 years ago
In my experience, extreme jealousy and controlling behavior almost always means they are the ones cheating.
Octavia Hansen 2 years ago
One guy I was dating, after we had a date, he would go camp outside his ex's house and watch her. I figured when I dumped him, he'd get a new girlfriend and it would be my turn. Guess he still liked the previous ex more . . . long time gone from him now . . .
Billy Harrelson 2 years ago
I dated a woman like that once. Got to the point I had to sell all my CDs with women singers and I wasn't allowed to watch anything with a scene of a woman barely dressed. Why? I'd have fantasies and want to be with them. I wasn't allowed to have women for friends but she was allowed to talk to all the men she liked. I finally left when a guy messaged her one day and she admitted she'd been talking to him for quite awhile.
TurquoiseTzarina 2 years ago
No, no, no. Sell my music library of male singers? It would have been over right then and there. I ain't giving up Aaron, Bill, David, Frank, Frankie, Herb, Johnny, Keith, Louis, Luther, Mick, Nat, or Stevie to name a few.....
Load More Replies... #19
His need to keep things because “I might use this later!” It’s turned into a hoarding issue. I can’t even have a dresser because there’s too many boxes in our house. We have two cars we should have junked in the driveway, filled with stuff. I cry a lot over it because I can’t handle clutter. I feel claustrophobic and can never feel relaxed in my own home. Its just another reason our marriage is failing. He gets mad that I’m upset over it.
DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
RUN! Get out as fast as you can and never ever ever look back. He will destroy your life if you stay
David Kirscht 2 years ago
Agreed. Us Americans are consumeristic pack rats generally, but this sounds bad. You wrote in the present tense but it needs to move to past tense.
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Maple Porkly 2 years ago
My mother in law was a hoarder. When she was diagnosed with dementia we cleaned her house for two months removing 5 commercial garbage bins full of junk that were intended for large reno jobs. (The nurse refused to come assist her until we did.) Hoarding can often stem from a bigger trauma that the person faced in life. For my mother in law it was likely from giving up her first child (born from rape). We think (us and her doctor) the loss of that child is what really brought on her hoarding trauma. Not being able to give something up for fear of that same feeling of loss means not risking something so you'll never have to feel like that again.
EmBree 2 years ago
My husband is a hoarder. It's something we have to work on all the time. As with all mental issues, it's something that takes time and energy to deal with. I understand some people don't have what it takes to deal with it, but sometimes I wonder if some simply don't care enough. Their partner is ill and they don't want to make the effort to help. I know some expect their partner to be perfect and healthy all life long, but reality doesn't always work like that.
Rhonda Gestos 2 years ago
Same here, I can't stand the clutter, it makes me feel sick and depressed.
Jane Cortez 2 years ago
Agreed. This is a mental illness with very low rates of recovery. You will forever be surrounded by piles and piles of ‘c**p.’
steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
this sounds exactly like my parents... I almost wondered for a moment if my mom had written this
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago (edited)
Know someone like that. Says "cleaning stresses him out" and apparently his wife doesn't mind it. Tried to hep once by showing them how easy it was just to clean the dining room table. Needless to say it's covered in junk again. Also had a roommate that does this. Brings home unneeded stuff from work. Well, okay I do that too- but if I can't find a use for it I find another home for it. He's got Ziploc sandwich bags full of discarded Allen wrenches for example. one or two I could understand or if they were different sizes. But why do you need 30 of them? Makes no sense. SMH
Brian Droste 2 years ago
My parents are not hoarders by no means but in the past when my dad would buy something instead of throwing away the boxes he would break them down and keep the boxes. There is a pile of them in the basement. He will be 94 this year and not very active anymore. I probably could sneak then out and get rid of them but I won't right now just out of respect for him as being my dad.
#20
How involved are his parents in your relationship.
We were dating only a few months and it’s like his parents were just… always… involved in our relationship. I actually didn’t ignore this sign. I ended up breaking up with him not too long after I noticed this, but I think this is a big one, ladies.
To clarify; what I mean is that the parents would make decisions for him or kind of influence his decisions I guess; would kind of be in the know about things happening in our relationship, etc. It’s just weird, you know? We were in our mid-twenties. This kind of dynamic is just unhealthy. Period.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago (edited)
Definitely red flag. Imagine having children with him, his parents would try to control them and how you parent them as well
Jeremy James 2 years ago
I have the opposite situation. My partner texts my Mom almost more than I do. They send each other music that they've turned on to. His mom kind of sucks tbh, (Southern Babtist, she really did a number on him). The other day, I noticed that he has my Mom saved in his phone as, "Good Mom."
Elizabeth Van Oers 2 years ago
Or a sibling that’s too involved because he and her share a sick symbiotic bond.
Jack Harris 2 years ago (edited)
I dated a woman exactly like that. After we moved in together I wasn't prepared for what would become my reality. From 8 am to 9 pm she'd have breakfast at her parents, go to work, get off work, go to parents to pick up her kid, have dinner with parents, come home between 8:45/9 pm, put the kid to bed, then fall asleep in there with him. I'd come home from work, wake her up to go get in our bed. Saturdays she'd say yes to whatever her parents told her to do, then Sundays she'd actually get defensive with me when I told her why couldn't just one day of the week be for us? "Because that's when we have family dinner and it's always at my parents house", she'd say. I have no idea how I was able to put up with it for as long as I did. I kept myself that it would get better. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I'm telling you this, itscared me for life. I haven't since, nor will I ever date another woman that close with her parents🚩.*I wasn't ever invited. Parents didn't like me.
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
My wife and i have been married 5 years, together for 7. My mom offers advice, but refuses to give a specific direction or nudge on anything I ask about. Meanwhile, her parents have been telling her "if you leave him, we'll come pick you up and bring you home" for 7 years.
Cyndi Hafele 2 years ago
I dated a man for a few months that was jealous of everyone and everything, accusatory, angry and delusional. I broke up with him. He called over and over, begging me to come back. Apparently he was so upset his mom called me too, also begging me to take him back because "he needed" me. Yikes.
Michelle C 2 years ago
Yup. I had a relationship wherein members of both of our families involved themselves far too much for either of us to benefit from their involvement. That led to a breakup that was neither mutual nor wanted. I still wonder what could have been had he and I survived their interference, albeit well-intentioned interference.
#21
His emotional repression and strict upbringing. It's apparent he has anger issues and can't deal with the stress of parenting. His reaction to stressful situations is anger and he's overbearing as a parent.
Ashley Greer 2 years ago
That was my husband or he tried to pull that. I shut him down hardcore. I’m a pediatric nurse and just because he had parents that didn’t care about him does not mean our children will go through the same c**p. This isn’t the 1950’s and we know better. I have threatened to leave him over it.
Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
Not a red flag. Just something to take note of and decide what to do on your own.
#22
I say this fully loving my husband and it is something he is truly working on and has improved quite a bit (still working on it tho), but if they don’t clean their dorm room/apartment/whatever…they won’t clean the home you share.
Claire the Devils Advocate 2 years ago
I'm guessing you both have jobs outside the home and you (rightfully), don't want to have to do it on your own. Why not spend a bit of money and have someone come in a few hours a week and do those jobs no one likes. A few dollars is a good investment in your marriage.
Danielle 2 years ago
Even if only one person works and the other stays home, the person staying at home is not 100% responsible for cleaning - especially when there are kids.
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Junebugjump! 2 years ago
This is true. I waited for 30 years. Never happened. Finally left. My life is so much better. My career is in full bloom and I have so much free time because I'm not doing every other thing.
Daelyah 2 years ago
Confession, both my nesting partner and I share this problem. It feels almost impossible to get our messes taken care of, and I know I'm doing worse than him (he's done quite a bit for me, while I've been struggling with my health). I'm trying to find little ways here and there to at least pitch in where I can, just fighting past how daunted I feel with our mess.
#23
Sexual incompatibility
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago (edited)
Not a red flag, but just, well... incompatibility. If one's asexual and the other has a high drive - that's inconvenient
Nicky 2 years ago
More than inconvenient - you can´t be happy if you have dramatically different sexual needs and expectations
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Katiekat 2 years ago
It is QUITE DEFINITELY a red flag, especially when there's lack of communication involved, too. I speak from experience. In the 90s, I was married the first time, and husband #1 was asexual, but words like this weren't known back then. He gave me sex three times in three years. Nothing I said or did or wrote mattered or made a difference. He was perfectly content to live as roommates, and that's what truly broke my heart. Of course I divorced, and shed zero tears by the time I left. Remarried to someone infinitely more compatible, happily married for 17 years til his death in 2016. For the record, I'll be 55 on 2/14/2023, and want companionship, but living apart together.
TurquoiseTzarina 2 years ago
Katiekat, Happy Birthday in advance! You're oh so right. Communication is key. Blessings to you. Re: getting the comfortable companionship you desire.
Load More Replies... rob 2 years ago
And still got married? I think that would have been a big problem long before that time right? Unless you didn't have sex until after marriage in which case its just a nasty suprise
Natalie 2 years ago
most Muslims don't have sex before marriage, conservative Christians too! so think abt that and all the people before saying it's a "nasty surprise"
Load More Replies... Neuridivergent 2 years ago
Not just frequency. There are other preferences that can be disconcerting if you didn't know
Courtney Christelle 2 years ago
Sex isn't the most important thing but I think sexual compatibility is important. No one wants to feel unsatisfied after sex with their partner.
Rhonda Gestos 2 years ago
I married my controlling husband for his charming personality, I never had enjoyable sex with him. Not good.
Ashley Greer 2 years ago
Yeah but this also comes with decline in health while your are married.
#24
- Blaming other people for money issues - Not paying taxes - Living outside their means/living paycheck to paycheck - The only friends they have are people they've been intimate with - If all their friends are druggies, so are they. - If they admit to cheating on previous partners, they will probably cheat again - If their pet dog is neurotic/untrained - Not wanting to fix personal problems - Poor hygiene could be due to mental illness
Lauren S 2 years ago
So when I was a teen I have cheated on significant others before, but I haven’t cheated on anyone since I was 18 years old. I just wasn’t mature, wasn’t as “deep” into the relationships, was reckless in many ways, etc. I imagine I’m more of the exception than the rule because I do agree that a history of cheating is a red flag in general. Also, the if they cheated with you they will cheat on you idea seems pretty solid.
Any 2 years ago
Living paycheck to paycheck ... just wow. Sometimes people have no choice and it's hard to get out of poverty, if you can't safe up money...
David Kirscht 2 years ago
I agree with everything here except living paycheck to paycheck and the untrained dog. Most Americans live paycheck to paycheck and most Americans have no idea how to train a dog.
pink_panda 2 years ago
I would a hundred percent not stay with a person who hasn't trained their dog, especially a big dog. It's really not super difficult to train a dog for basic safety and manners, it just takes a little commitment. My friend's poorly trained German shepherd lunged at my face once and chipped one of my front teeth—and that was just out of excitement, not malice. Deal breaker for sure.
Load More Replies... Demosthenes 2 years ago
If these are red flags that you NEED a warning for you probably have bigger issues and don’t need to be pursuing a romantic relationship right now.
Nathan Wolfe 2 years ago
Living paycheck to paycheck is a red flag? Thats how my whole family is and always have been. We have terrible luck. Oh, a $500 bonus? Great! The truck broke down yesterday and it's going to cost $600 to fix!
Helen Bennett 2 years ago
Speaking from a bad experience? Put all those things together in one person and it isn't a pretty picture.
Jane Cortez 2 years ago
We have a rescue dog that is both neurotic, ( from extreme neglect, including being locked in a room only being let out into the yard to do his ‘business) and untrained. He has such anxiety, ( Velcro dog), that he feels threatened, ( fear aggression) by pretty much anything and anyone other than me. We have made a lot of progress in the past five years with positive reinforcement, ignoring the bad behaviour, rewarding the good but will likely have limits with how much we can accomplish with him because of how deeply traumatized and neglected his life was previously He’s learned to walk on a leash, to cuddle, ( a lot! ❤️) but is still reactive to threatening or unfamiliar situations and is quite possessive…. I realized that I was his ‘safe person,’ when while running in our backyard he came to me limping, holding his paw up. When I examined his paw he had torn one of the pads. This nervous, neurotic dog let me cleanse the wound, dress it and stayed next to me while I comforted him.
Shay Berry 2 years ago
Several things about this post bother me and in my opinion, it's giving out of touch.
#25
His family! I knew his mom is kind of extremely controlled and stingy person but I didn’t really care as I thought we lived separately from her anw. Then we married, moved to his country , things got ugly because his mom visited us everyday and gave me a lesson about saving money, about this about that …I don’t spend money on handbags or jewelry, for ex :she scolded at me Because I bought chicken wings (chicken wings is more expensive than chicken legs so she thought I threw money away) I was stressed and told my ex to tell his mom stop doing that, and he just ignored my request. Finally I moved out, ended that marriage. He had a new wife later but didn’t work out because his mom did the same thing as she did to me
Josh Gilland 2 years ago
This just makes me appreciate my parents more. They want that perfect balance of being part of us kids life's but also want us to have our own space and life.
Kathy Rose 2 years ago
That’s always what happens. They keep on making the same mistakes. Smh.
Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
I have toxic in-laws. We just cut ties and see them on our own terms or not at all.
#26
How much he was on his phone and on his gaming system. It literally was something at the time I saw as a red flag and just ignored it. It's taken 9 years to get us to a point where he has timers for his gaming, and I still have to tell him to put his phone down. We're in therapy, and he's really trying. He just grew up way different than I did, I had limited access to the internet and no gaming, and he used gaming and the internet to get away from his abusive family.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Yes, gaming can become an addiction, when it disrupts your normal life and you stop taking care of yourself and your duties. But if he's in therapy he's willing to work on himself, which is good.
Sarah Holtz 2 years ago
Let him enjoy his gaming, find something you can enjoy in the same room with him. As i do with my husband. He plays Xbox and I do art/make jewelry. It's ok to be doing different things while still spending time together at the same time.
grotesqueer 2 years ago
Only if that's what both want. And even then too much is too much. And op isn't *not* letting him enjoy gaming but setting boundaries. If getting to play only a certain amount of time feels significantly limiting, it's a good sign that it's gotten out of hand already. I say this confidently because my gaming gets out of hand really easily due to my adhd, and the difference to my overall well-being is *huge* between the periods when I can keep the gaming reasonable and when I can't. When I can it's because higher priority things (eg. my education) *are* higher priority for me emotionally. Then I also *truly* enjoy gaming. When I can't it's because I can't prioritize more important things on the emotional level, which then snowballs causing a lot of other life control issues too. Then gaming brings less authentic joy as well, because I "have to" keep playing. The ability to limit gaming is just one indicator of the state of life control abilities in general.
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Bill Sabado 2 years ago
In the grand scheme of things, it's way better than him turning to drugs as a means of escape.
Kathy Rose 2 years ago
A whole lot of people are addicted to their phones. That’s just as bad.
Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
Not a red flag. Beginning to think people see incompatibility as Red Flag.
#27
all of them. seriously. whatever mildly annoys you while you're dating will make you want to scream at them after 5-10 years of marriage. *they will not change just because you married them*. any minor point to contention now is likely to become a major sticking point later. pay attention to these things and decide which ones you do or don't want to live with.
Megalodon Meg 2 years ago (edited)
The best advice my mom ever told me was marry the person that they are not who you want or hope them to be. Marriage isn't a project it's a solid foundation that builds and grows together as a team while accepting each other as individuals. 12 years strong with my husband who's obnoxiously snoring right next to me 😂🥰
I Am John 2 years ago
A wise person once said "marriage is two people claiming the other one snores"
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Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
Again, not a red flag. This is just sound advice. Biggest one is you can’t stand their eating habits.
#28
The one I married started with white lies here and there. but also had minor mental health problems and would ask me to come over to his when he needed help with a bad day... then after we married he turned into a compulsive liar, then a thief to me, thief in stores, stopped taking his meds, wouldn't get a job. then he wanted me to give him an 'allowance' from my PT minimum wage job because "I don't get to leave the house all day, you do so I need money to go out". I only went out TO WORK. Then he started abusing me, gaslighting etc etc. July 2020 was AWESOME in only one way - he started divorce proceedings 😂
Claire the Devils Advocate 2 years ago
I'm sorry this happened, but you absolutely are better off!
Carolina De La Cruz 2 years ago
After all that, he started the divorce???? That's weird to say the least
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 2 years ago
Why did you wait for him to get the divorce going? Not judging you, but when he takes your car that's when I would start packing...
#29
Hiding out alone and avoiding problems instead of talking through them. Not prioritizing the relationship. Forgetting to be best friends. Being afraid to open up. Ending relationships when they get difficult instead of repairing them (I’m mostly talking with family although it happened with friends also). Not being able to talk about money. Not being able to problem solve as a team. Not understanding how to be on a team. Not understanding how to set and reach goals together. Making excuses for why you can’t do important things. So many.
Jeremy James 2 years ago
"Can't I just be mad!? Can't you just let me get it out of my system?" Sure, but why can't I be mad WITH you instead of you being mad AT me? "You!? What do you have to be mad about?" I DON'T KNOW BUT I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING! "...Good answer. Here, have some whiskey." --actual argument with my ex
Josh Gilland 2 years ago
This was my last "relationship" really i was her f**k buddy. We were involved for about a year (should have pulled the plug way earlier once I let her effect my mental health) but at one point I told her I felt i meant nothing because everything and everyone came before me. I get your family, definitely her sister since she had special needs and super close to her. She replied my friends are more important. I honestly can't tell you why I kept trying, probably cuz to unwilling to be alone again. I was an idiot, i kept trying despite being told i wasn't her friend, only hanging out when she was horny and she spent more time with a guy everyone thought she was dating than me. But oh well that in the past and I'm no longer going to allow myself to be played even by myself.
TurquoiseTzarina 2 years ago
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. Peace!
Load More Replies... #30
Was calm and collected but unfortunately it was just him being disinterested with anything that doesn't happen inside his phone, TV or laptop. I realized too late. He's calm because he just don't care.
Tunk 2 years ago (edited)
Be careful with that line of thinking. Many a fine woman has been too empathetic overlooking things because they want to be understanding. But in this case I think she would know the situation better then any of us. If she says these things then I am inclined to believe her. Considering her partner is completely disengaged it would be nice to know someone cares and believes her instead of looking for reason for his poor behaviour. For whatever reason his needs don't supercede hers.
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Megan S. 2 years ago
I had an ex like this. He seemed only interested in games/anime, wasn't committed to his education, stayed up super late, and spent the day sleeping. He didn't really prioritize me, which made me feel like I wasn't very important in his life. This is a case of emotional unavailability and it likely will not change unless they take action to find their own happiness--including giving up numbing activities and getting reconnected with themselves. It's a drainer, doesn't really create meaningful connection, and often has deeper roots that need to be addressed in therapy.
M Calad 2 years ago (edited)
I dated someone like this. A very nice, calm and kind guy but disinterested, very hermetic, conflict avoidant and difficult with conversations. He was only fully interested in his hobbies. I knew he loved me but for a reason I never understood, he just couldn't truly open up or connect. I tried but sensed something was not OK. After pushing him, he went to therapy and he got diagnosed with Aspergers. It made sense. But that was it, he stopped therapy after a few visits because "he was autistic so there was nothing he could do". I broke up shortly after.
#31
I’m not married yet but i have been asked if i see myself marrying my boyfriend of the moment and here are a few things that make me say nope: - has full custody of MY car and whenever i wanna use MY car its a problem and inconvenience for him - always asking me to send him money even when he “has” - lets me pay all of the bills while he only buys food - lets the dishes sit in the sink because “he didnt use any of those dishes” so when i make any thing even dinner for the both of us he just wont wash dishes period. - sooooooo many “i wanted to do… i was going to…” and seeing the same s**t chance after chance I know I’ll be getting lots of “leave him now while you can” comments but please! I’m doing my best here.
Junebugjump! 2 years ago
You should wait til he's gone one day and move out. If he has your car, report it stolen. This guy is only going to get worse. Trust me. He's not even boyfriend material.
Billie Templeton 2 years ago
Yes... I hear that you are doing your best. But I ask you, is he? And is that likely to change? Imagine when you're doing all the childcare alone....
DrLivingstonipresume 2 years ago
If you are staying you are not doing your best. Go now; he will kill you.
Anxious&Bored Bear 2 years ago
Sending you hugs and support. People who have never been in a situation like this don't understand how hard it is to leave. Do what you have to, and in the time frame you need, to improve YOUR life.
Anne Van Staden 2 years ago
Doing your best means putting you first. If you can pay all the bills while he only buys the food you'll be fine without him. You're becoming dependent on him emotionally even though you can see its not a healthy relationship. You need to get out, he's not taking care of you now and the household and its not going to change.
#32
he was great in the beginning. We could talk for hours about anything, but then I made the mistake of telling him I owned a PS4 and letting him use it. Everything started getting s****y since. His life REVOLVES around that stupid game and I HATE IT! I cannot imagine actually sitting there and basing your entire life and schedule around Call of f*****g Duty.
Katja Katze 2 years ago
That's really underrated. Multiplayer online games can be red flags. If the other person cares more about the game than anything else, it's never good. I love to play myself. But not at any price. If you are not allowed to speak in your own living room, so as not to disturb the raid, if there are no more dinners together, if friends and family are no longer visited, if everyone outside of the game is a disruption, it's not a hobby, it's obsession.
Tamra 2 years ago
What you're talking about is an addiction or obsession. That can occur with anything, really, and has nothing specifically to do with gaming.
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Anika Mangelmann 2 years ago
My partner is a gamer. He is in early retirement because of severe depression and sleep disorder and would not do much besides sleeping and gaming if I am not the one making plans. I could not be more happy than with him. He is my perfect match. I am rather low energy due to a chronical illness. I have a very well paying home office job, so I am around him almost all day. We play together, we do things outside together that work for both of us, we have guests over a lot (I love to cook). He is the most caring, empathetic, loving human I have ever met. I have never been as honest with anybody as I am with him. I have never felt as loved as with him. I have never liked myself as much as since I am with him. God I love this man more than I can express. Gamers are not for all, but for some they are :)
the fallen soufflé 2 years ago
I’m so glad you’re happy with him :) I think this woman in particular is just not compatible with a gamer, and the warning is more about a partners habits that actually bother you
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Helen Bennett 2 years ago
Is there no general comment about addictions because other ones are easier to spot? Or maybe there is and I just haven't found it yet.
Megalodon Meg 2 years ago
Not fair, never marry an immature neglectful partner is more accurate. I love playing video games and I have never neglected my roles as a wife, mother, or the head of my house. But my a*s still be having 5 hour sessions once everything else is solid.
Load More Replies... #33
Indecision, being wishy washy about small decisions. This lead to him not being able to honor big commitments. He could be easily swayed.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by making even the smallest decision. I often end up making none in the end... I guess that's not what they meant here.
Worst Cop in Britain 2 years ago
Yeah nah, I think there's a huge difference between having neuroatypical issues that prevent one from "normal" behaviour in certain circumstances, and just being a d*ck or a terrible human being. Def not the former being talked about on this list :)
Load More Replies... LooseSeal's $10 Banana 2 years ago
Small decisions are, ultimately, insignificant. Thus, given that there's no measurable advantage in picking one over the other, it becomes far more difficult to decide. Big decisions, however, can often be easier since we have more skin in the game.
#34
Inability to resolve disagreements. I sadly felt with couples counseling my ex husband and I would be able to work through this, but it never happened. There was a lot of gaslighting. I continued to work on myself in individual therapy, I struggled with thriving due to the lack of support from my spouse.
Billie Templeton 2 years ago
I feel this one. My ex actually had his therapist convinced I was making up feeling gaslighted. She informed me that I shouldn't use the words "gaslighting" (or abusive, or domineering or controlling) bc HE didn't believe they were true and they made him angry. SO FRUSTRATING! Our relationship didn't make it.
OMGhonestly 2 years ago
Urgh, awful. What a rubbish therapist. She also started gaslighting you! Belongs also in a "red flags about bad therapists" column!!
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#36
Said he didn't know how to change the sheets on the bed. He was 36 when we met. Needless to say trying to get him to do stuff like that is like pulling teeth.
KBT 2 years ago
For real, you wouldn't believe the number of males I've met who told me they "don't know" how to do LAUNDRY. Literally the easiest task in the world and they're like ummmmm...
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Li’l E. 2 years ago
Exactly. My ex-husband used this so frequently that he once pretended he didn’t know how to close a door (he had left the door open when leaving the house in the middle of winter - it was 0 degrees Celsius out). When I heard the term weaponized incompetence for the first time so many things clicked into place!
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#37
He went through a lot of different jobs and seemed to need me to make him feel better when he was down. I felt flattered then but now it’s exhausting.
Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
You're his partner, not his therapist. A little support is good, but being his sole source of emotional support is draining you.
SobyKay 2 years ago
This one is tough. I went through this. I wanted to be a good wife, be there for him, but it got too mentally taxing. Because he doesnt have any friends, he only ever vented to me, which made me feel garbage dumped on daily. I had to find a way to let go of worrying about him so I could take care of my own mental health!
Neuridivergent 2 years ago
It may not be emotional support. Depending on what he is wanting you to say it may be ego fluffing. "Oh my friends are so much smarter than me..."
#38
Mommy still bought him his clothes
Shine Chisholm 2 years ago
I asked my ex-husband's mom to stop making his boxers for him when we got married. Should have noped out instead
Barbara Skolly 2 years ago
Although if he has no style and knows it having mom buy his clothes isn't terrible
#39
The occasional bad hygiene, a bit of an obsession with Nazi history.
Lisa H 2 years ago
I mean, it's good to learn about the Nazis but an obsession is definitely NOT okay.
David H 2 years ago
Well depends, I met someone with a Nazi History obsession. Though to be fair, she has several published books on the Holocaust and Nazi Germany and is a respected scholar.
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Josh Gilland 2 years ago
I'd love to know how you addressed the hygiene. My friend is a nice guy, like everyone has small things to work on. But the one thing he really struggles with is hygiene. His breathe will knock you on the floor and tends to smell like cat p**s. He's sensitive and gave everyone the cold shoulder for along time when our coworker said something to him.
TurquoiseTzarina 2 years ago
Your friend may need to see his GP as well as his Dentist. There could be a medical reason for this.
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Richard Henderson 2 years ago
Does he talk about them admiringly or with disgust? That point is pretty important. Bad hygiene would be a deal breaker for me though.
Lauren Caswell 2 years ago (edited)
My high school bf was great, knew him since primary school. Hawaiian shirts, Spike hair, usual late 90s kid. Went to his house one day, he had shaved his head. weird, but ok his hair his choice. Went to his room. Naz8 s**t everywhere, wasn't there last time I visited! My dad had just dropped me off so I rang him, and waited with the dudes mum til my dad showed up, never saw him agn. Don't know why he changed like that
Dan Padgett 2 years ago
I watch a lot of stuff about ww2 and have more than a few books on the subject. We learn from history so we don't repeat it. The hygiene thing is totally not cool though.
#40
He lied to me about everything and was very convincing. He hid his drug problem until we moved in together and it turned out to be huge. Poor hygiene and terrible money management. Jealousy, was never able to go out or make friends or let alone have any friends of the opposite sex.
Megalodon Meg 2 years ago
You don't really know someone until you live together day in and day out. It's easier to hide the fact you can't manage finances if you're not paying bills together and such.
Load More Replies... #41
This is one I actually think is going to hit my friend who is getting married this year: inability to plan ahead. Maybe not the inability but the lack of knowledge that some things need planning far in advance. My friend has only been with her fiancé for not even 2 years yet and they are getting married this year. But he didn’t realize the planning that went into a wedding and thought it just kind of happened (not literally but you know). And then he told her he had something nice planned for her but had to scratch the plans because he didn’t know it was something you needed to plan in advance. To me this indicates someone who had their parents do everything for them and she will be doing this for him forever. She brushes it off now as something that happens with all men…and maybe she enjoys this role! But I would get sick of this fast if it kept happening.
Missy VanWinkle 2 years ago
My ex used to "joke" that he didn't understand what everyone got so excited about with weddings because weddings planned themselves.
Iliana Hiruluk 2 years ago
"she's lucky he even thought about it" no. No, she's not. Stop putting the bar so low, and normalizing this! Ew.
Load More Replies... #42
Will not talk about stuff
Iliana Hiruluk 2 years ago
When he was considering for a long time a huge career change (and good for him it was a great decision) but I only heard about it when he asked a friend of mine for advice, and I just happened to be present. I don't care about 'consulting' me for his decision, just felt so shut out from his life and thoughts, like a stranger.
What does this button do? 2 years ago
That's a big one... I have trouble talking about feelings sometimes, but when it comes to our family and life choices, my wife is usually the first person I talk to about anything relating to my career - because any big changes I make there will almost certainly impact her and the kids in some way, whether it's a move, more money, less money but fewer hours, whatever... she needs to be involved from the very beginning. In part because I trust her to have a better "overall picture", so she can be more objective than I can, and in part because she'll find pros or cons that I hadn't considered. However, ultimately because we're a team, a family unit, and nothing should be decided unilaterally (beyond what am I making for dinner tonight - and even then I usually seek input. :P )
Load More Replies... KBT 2 years ago
Do you hate women this much because they don't give you attention?
Load More Replies... #43
He was a gun loving republican….
Tunk 2 years ago
America is in not a good position if there is ever another civil war. One half have no guns and the other half are champing at the bit to start firing. All your pollies have a lot to answer for what they have created over time.
Seabeast 2 years ago
Do not assume that "one half have no guns". Being in favour of gun control =/= never actually owning a gun or knowing how to use one.
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Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Thank God I'm from a country where practically no one owns guns - and we're still much safer than anywhere in the US. Or probably we're safer because of it.
Lakota Wolf 2 years ago
Trust me, a large swath of us Americans aren't proud of our country. At all.
Load More Replies... Icecream Sarang 2 years ago
My ex BF was a gun loving Republican who explained to me I’m not bisexual, I’m just confused. We stayed in touch after breaking up. 13 years later, he is a They, Left leaning, and apologizing profusely for projecting their fears and rationals onto me. People change.
BenyA. 2 years ago
I am from a country where there is stark evidence of what results when people can't defend themselves against an administration that's at best grossly incompetent and at worst actively malicious against certain demographics. And it all started with good intentions. Please do not begrudge people their desire to be able to protect themselves.
Tamra 2 years ago
The US is absolute proof that citizens owning firearms has absolutely no effect on how the government treats its citizens. None whatsoever.
Load More Replies... Neuridivergent 2 years ago
There is a stark difference between supporting gun rights and being gun loving. And the issue with Republicans is when they are belligerent about it and disrespectful of other viewpoints
#44
- he couldn't hold down a job - all of his exes were "crazy" - only had a high school education - insecure, easily angered, emotional immaturity *Numero uno*: he wouldn't let go of Mommy Husband #1 treated her like his wife and I was just the mistress who wanted to ruin his happiness with her. Husband #2 *refused* to leave his mother's house, and intentionally sabotaged our marriage so he wouldn't leave her. Husband #3 was sexually attracted to his mother (I didn't really understand this until after we were legally married)
adam craker 2 years ago
Yea I read that and thought geez that's pretty harsh. I only have a highschool education. My dad recognized that I was much happier working with my hands and talked me into going into the trades. Best decision I ever made. I make good money with no school debt. What a red flagg!!!
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Iliana Hiruluk 2 years ago
Having "only high school education" is not a red flag. Also, you seem to have a strong pattern here yourself...
David Kirscht 2 years ago
Not cool with the high school education thing. My father *only* had a high school education and he was the most wonderful husband and father I could have hoped for.
Alya 2 years ago
Only having a high school education isn't a red flag. Even not having a high school education is not a red flag. People's circumstances differ. Anyways not to be rude but 3 for 3 on the Oedipus complex might need a reevaluation of your taste
Erika 2 years ago
I know a girl that got held back a year in school not due to poor grades, but poverty. She was born the same year and month as me and will be entering her senior year next year.
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#45
Cheating. Being way too attached to mommy. Being a filthy slob. General laziness. Inconsiderate attitude towards others. Narcissism.
#46
How poorly he treated his mom... Because now we've been married 8 years and I f*****g get it. (You didn't say it had to be a problem with HIM specifically)
Phryne 2 years ago
I broke up with two guys over this very issue. I was NOT going to be treated the way they treated their mothers.
A. Starhawk Hunt 2 years ago
I get that, now knowing her MIL, she understands that there’re real reasons for his attitude towards mom?
Load More Replies... Iliana Hiruluk 2 years ago
Sounds like he should put and keep better boundaries, than mistreating another person. But, whatever floats your boat, I guess...
#47
He's only on that PC, gaming and all. All. The. Fu**ing. Time. He is initiative when I speak, indeed, and I got used to it in a while (I'm a PC player as well, mostly), but damn, I had to SCREAM a few times for help (mind you, I do most of the things myself and when I ask for help, I really really need it). I didn't know it would bother me, until after a while. I was 18 when we met, dated only 1 guy before him, so I didn't really know better. Besides that, he's great though. Loving husband and I can always rely on him when it's for something serious.
Neuridivergent 2 years ago
The last two make him better than many. I am starting to suspect that excessive gaming is the same as excessive tv. Avoiding trauma processing.
pudgiegreg 2 years ago
If it becomes an addiction, where that is all they do and they neglect other aspects of their life. Then yes it is a red flag. Casually playing or managing a hobby is a healthy way, is fine.
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#48
Poor money management
A. Starhawk Hunt 2 years ago
That can be a never taught better thing, too
Load More Replies... Mark Kelly 2 years ago
Ok, I understand not all people were raised with fiscal education so maybe try and teach them and see how it goes.
What does this button do? 2 years ago
Money management can be learned... I was way too late picking those skills up and it took a bankruptcy for it to happen. That was with wife v1.0... it wasn't her fault, nor mine really, we were just terrible together when it came to outspending our income. Fortunately, since the divorce a dozen years ago, I've been able to get the credit rating up and make some plans that might actually involve retiring at some point... wife v2.0 and I also can go on binges now and then - but we do it with spare funds, AFTER the bills are paid. Turns out that makes a subtle difference. Side note, kids, start putting 20.00 a pay into a retirement fund, whether it's an RRSP (Canada), 401k (USA) or whatever your country has. If you start that in your late teen years, it'll become a habit when you're working full time down the road and those extra 5-10 years, even at only 45.00 a month, will make a difference of tens of thousands of dollars at retirement time, if not more.
#49
Anxiety about sex that he never went to therapy for
What_the_actual_sloth? 2 years ago
Im on the fence with this one. I really need therapy for my social anxiety and I'm too nervous to go to a counseller/therapists
Edward Willis 2 years ago
Have you tried Zoom / phone sessions? For some, the lack of face-to-face contact, and everything that goes with that, helps. You could probably book an appointment over email, give you time to consider your wording, if you find that useful. Also remember that these people literally get paid to not judge you. It's their actual job, being supportive and nonjudgemental.
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RCCampos 2 years ago
Maybe erection dysfunction or premature ejaculation due to anxiety
Load More Replies... OMGhonestly 2 years ago
You're making a lot of assumptions. This could be absolutely nothing to do with trauma. Isn't it reasonable to expect a partner to at least attempt to address an issue that also affects his wife? Name-calling just makes you sound like a 12 YO.
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#50
He watched porn.
Lucía Hanzo 2 years ago
So it's just bad a little of prn? Regular and normal. Everyone knows that if it's the kind which includes children or animals that is a very big red flag and you must report to the police and then fly away from him
Libstak 2 years ago
The problem with porn is it objectifies the woman and focusses on male gratification, this kills intimacy and pride in bringing pleasure to their partner in the bedroom. It makes women run a mile because we are not objects actually.
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Anxious&Bored Bear 2 years ago
If he needs it in order to perform, it is a problem. If he compares you to someone in it, it is a problem.
Lisa H 2 years ago
Need more information. Did he watch it occasionally (which is normal) or excessively?
Tunk 2 years ago
Porn has been normalised but it is not normal. Especially as the majority of it is exploitative and aimed mainly towards men.
Load More Replies... Feathered Dinosaur 2 years ago
Yes, if he watched porn and now thinks that's how sêx really works. Because women don't really get any satisfaction from what is usually depicted there.
Richard Henderson 2 years ago
So does every guy. You’re really excluding a lot of fish from your ocean.
minnybri 2 years ago
Watching porn by itself should not be a red flag, nor is it just men who enjoy watching objectifying content or BDSM. Also remember that many people enjoy watching content that they would not enjoy actually experiencing in real life, it's a fantasy. There are three important points that would be red flags however: first and most obvious would be watching illegal or dubiously legal content. Second is when watching porn interferes with one's interest in having a normal sex life outside porn, or even day-to-day life. Third, and the one I've seen before, is people not understanding that the things they are seeing in porn are staged fantasy and many things cannot be done in real life without careful consent and safe words--the most common mistakes I've seen are choking and face-slapping during sex without discussing it with the partner ahead of time.
Neuridivergent 2 years ago
Also depends how early in the relationship you know about it. But overall men definitely need to learn how to make sure she enjoys it.
Mark Kelly 2 years ago
more info please. If it's almost all they did then that is a red flag but by itself not the worst.
What do you think ?
Jeremy James 2 years ago
LOL @ the angry little incel who's downvoting every single thing on this thread because he saw the word "women" in the title and got triggered.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
If he's charming AF everywhere but *at home*.... RUN. My dad was that guy.
Noname 2 years ago
My experience was that he acted like the best hubby/dad in front of friends and family until they weren't watching. And if they were around for more than a day, he'd go into hibernation mode. I broke my arm, had pins surgically inserted, and at the hospital he acted like he'd take care of everything. I drove us home from the hospital because he claimed he was too tired to drive.
Load More Replies...
Lisa Lolo 2 years ago
I was in love a few times before meeting my husband. Love with those people felt fast and hard and explosive and painful and also joyous at times... But mostly just like it was too much. My husband and I didn't really like eachother all that much on our first date, but we gave eachother a second chance and our love grew slowly and with trust. Now I feel like 'feeling at home' with someone is the best indicator for love. You need to feel safe and like yourself when you are with someone, not like you are riding a rollercoaster, unlike what the movies want you to believe. At least, that is what works for me. Maybe thrillseekers enjoy that other kind of romance.
K- THULU 2 years ago
50 reasons why I live alone, free from any human contact....... Just not worth the bother anymore....
steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
being aromantic/asexual whether by choice or because that's just who you are is entirely valid and deserves to be acknowledged as a perfectly valid way to live ones life ☺️
Load More Replies...
Omi Ali 2 years ago
All of the above plus worse. Abandoned his kids and I for drugs whores and gambling. He would rather pay money to divorce than seek help and apologize. Pretty sickening especially because he triangulates the kids against each other in particular our older sons against our daughters. Everything he says is a lie or manipulative and twisted off some small kernel of truth. After 25 years of his constant lying and abuse I finally threw the towel in. He only got worse over time.
Ila Callya 2 years ago
Me too. .with black eyes and stuff, he'd hit me with babies in my arms...I threw him in jail :) So much for a guy everyone around is swore was a Saint. One day he hit my face, my eye immediately grew a large sized egg.. we lived in NY, and we were out of milk.. I said I was going to the store, when I was hauling random guys back to my house to throw him out in his underwear in the rain. Sometimes a girl needs a witness
Load More Replies... steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
I didn't marry this specimen but I do have an example: when I was 14, I got into a relationship with my best friend who, at the time, and without me knowing, was already dating someone else. he broke her heart to be with me and I only found out in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I glossed over it because surely it was just your average middle school relationship, right? those are nearly always short-lived and not that serious, right? years later he went on to become an alcoholic and a smoker to cope with his mental health issues and became incredibly dependent on me for emotional support. let me tell you, there is nothing more stressful than talking your own partner out of unaliving himself multiple times... not to mention I have a cortisol disorder and the stress nearly literally killed me.
RedPanda 2 years ago
Wow. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t think my ex was that bad but now I see he’s just a huge red flag. Racist, transphobic, sexist, anger issues, didn’t want to acknowledge their poor mental state and seek therapy, too reliant on me, rushed into “love”, massive guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, and heard me but didn’t listen. That’s why I decided not to date for at least 4 years :)
steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
holy sh*t did we date the same person /hj
Load More Replies...
Rosa Visger 2 years ago
Oh, great! Why did I read this?! Now you’ve just made me anxious that I could have some of these traits! I don’t want to be a monster towards my girlfriend! Can these apply to same-sex relationships as well?!
Sardonyx_3 2 years ago
Of course. (Also congrats on the partner. I hope you both live a long, happy life :) )
Load More Replies... Jeremy James 2 years ago
LOL @ the angry little incel who's downvoting every single thing on this thread because he saw the word "women" in the title and got triggered.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
If he's charming AF everywhere but *at home*.... RUN. My dad was that guy.
Noname 2 years ago
My experience was that he acted like the best hubby/dad in front of friends and family until they weren't watching. And if they were around for more than a day, he'd go into hibernation mode. I broke my arm, had pins surgically inserted, and at the hospital he acted like he'd take care of everything. I drove us home from the hospital because he claimed he was too tired to drive.
Load More Replies... Lisa Lolo 2 years ago
I was in love a few times before meeting my husband. Love with those people felt fast and hard and explosive and painful and also joyous at times... But mostly just like it was too much. My husband and I didn't really like eachother all that much on our first date, but we gave eachother a second chance and our love grew slowly and with trust. Now I feel like 'feeling at home' with someone is the best indicator for love. You need to feel safe and like yourself when you are with someone, not like you are riding a rollercoaster, unlike what the movies want you to believe. At least, that is what works for me. Maybe thrillseekers enjoy that other kind of romance.
K- THULU 2 years ago
50 reasons why I live alone, free from any human contact....... Just not worth the bother anymore....
steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
being aromantic/asexual whether by choice or because that's just who you are is entirely valid and deserves to be acknowledged as a perfectly valid way to live ones life ☺️
Load More Replies... Omi Ali 2 years ago
All of the above plus worse. Abandoned his kids and I for drugs whores and gambling. He would rather pay money to divorce than seek help and apologize. Pretty sickening especially because he triangulates the kids against each other in particular our older sons against our daughters. Everything he says is a lie or manipulative and twisted off some small kernel of truth. After 25 years of his constant lying and abuse I finally threw the towel in. He only got worse over time.
Ila Callya 2 years ago
Me too. .with black eyes and stuff, he'd hit me with babies in my arms...I threw him in jail :) So much for a guy everyone around is swore was a Saint. One day he hit my face, my eye immediately grew a large sized egg.. we lived in NY, and we were out of milk.. I said I was going to the store, when I was hauling random guys back to my house to throw him out in his underwear in the rain. Sometimes a girl needs a witness
Load More Replies... steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
I didn't marry this specimen but I do have an example: when I was 14, I got into a relationship with my best friend who, at the time, and without me knowing, was already dating someone else. he broke her heart to be with me and I only found out in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I glossed over it because surely it was just your average middle school relationship, right? those are nearly always short-lived and not that serious, right? years later he went on to become an alcoholic and a smoker to cope with his mental health issues and became incredibly dependent on me for emotional support. let me tell you, there is nothing more stressful than talking your own partner out of unaliving himself multiple times... not to mention I have a cortisol disorder and the stress nearly literally killed me.
RedPanda 2 years ago
Wow. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t think my ex was that bad but now I see he’s just a huge red flag. Racist, transphobic, sexist, anger issues, didn’t want to acknowledge their poor mental state and seek therapy, too reliant on me, rushed into “love”, massive guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, and heard me but didn’t listen. That’s why I decided not to date for at least 4 years :)
steampunk dandelion 2 years ago
holy sh*t did we date the same person /hj
Load More Replies... Rosa Visger 2 years ago
Oh, great! Why did I read this?! Now you’ve just made me anxious that I could have some of these traits! I don’t want to be a monster towards my girlfriend! Can these apply to same-sex relationships as well?!
Sardonyx_3 2 years ago
Of course. (Also congrats on the partner. I hope you both live a long, happy life :) )
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