Out of everything you can find out about your partner, a long-time secret affair is probably the most devastating.

Reddit user Horror_Squash4757 recently made a post on r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC, sharing the way he supposedly learned about his wife and her colleague. What began as a subtle shift in her behavior—longer phone use and “overtime” at work—led to a cascade of revelations, including secret trips and a shared apartment.

After he publicly confronted her, the man left with a heavy bag of emotions, as well as doubts about whether his actions crossed a line. So he asked the internet to help him make sense of the whole ordeal.

Your partner’s betrayal can hit the very core of your being

Image credits: Blake Cheek / unsplash (not the actual photo)

And this man claims he felt it firsthand

Image credits: KATRIN BOLOVTSOVA / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Andy Pluzhnik / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Achraf Alan / pexels (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Horror_Squash4757

People cheat for all sorts of reasons, but the signs might be different

A wide variety of factors can lead someone to have an affair. However, a 2020 study suggests that the eight key reasons are: anger, low self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and circumstance.

Additionally, a 2018 study looking at personality traits discovered that women who ranked high in “neuroticism” and men who ranked higher in “narcissism” were more likely to cheat on their partners.

There can be many signs that your significant other is unfaithful to you, but psychotherapist Bhavna Raithatha said that changing phone habits can, indeed, be a red flag.

Raithatha acknowledges that it can be difficult to tell what constitutes ‘excessive’ phone use given the online world we live in, “but unfortunately, if they’re spending so much extra time on them to the point where they’re paying no attention to their partner whatsoever, this should start to ring the alarm bells.”

“Partners who have been cheated on have later often said, they felt like ‘clearly there’s something or somebody much more important than I am.’ The biggest telltale sign is hiding their phone all of a sudden or putting a pin on their phone,” the psychotherapist explained.

“For instance, last week they left it lying around on the table pinging away happily but now it’s welded to their back pocket. Or if they listened to things or called people on loudspeaker but now it’s hushed voices. What they’re doing is shutting their life down, layer by layer by layer, from their current partner.”

“Affairs don’t just suddenly happen, it’s a multi-step process,” she said.

Every case is different, but Rick Reynolds, LCSW, who is the founder and president of Affair Recovery, said it takes at least two years for the shock waves of the infidelity to subside. So, extremes aside, it’s difficult to blame someone for their initial reaction to it.

Image credits: cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo)

Most of people who read his story said the man did nothing wrong

But some believe he overreacted

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