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Luckily, most people these days can choose for themselves who they want to marry and arranged marriages are seen as a violation of a person’s freedom and rights. There is a tradition that a man will ask a woman if she would like to be his wife and she has the option to give whichever answer she sees fit.
Usually people propose when they feel that they have a strong relationship with their significant other and have maybe even discussed the possibility of getting married. However, that is not always the case and sometimes women realize they don’t actually want to spend the rest of their lives with a certain person, so they decline the offer.
It is interesting to explore the reasons why, because if you are already in a relationship, what could be stopping you from taking it to the next level? Women shared their reasons after tommygunz007 asked “Women of Reddit who were proposed to by their SO and said no, what's your story?”
Do you have a proposal story in which you refused to marry someone? Maybe you were the one proposing and would like to share how the other side feels? We would be happy to read what you have to say in the comments!
More info: Reddit
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#1
We were high school sweethearts. Even though we'd dated since the second month of our freshman year of high school, I had zero assumptions that we'd get married or even stay together after high school. Everyone including him was adamantly encouraging me to follow him to the university he was going to and I was dead set on going to a very different school that everyone deemed beneath me.
Our families held a joint graduation party for us at his family's house after we did the official school walk/diploma thing. I was asked to grab something upstairs from his room. When I came back to the top of the stairs and looked down EVERY MEMBER (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, parents) of both of our families was standing on the bottom floor looking up at me expectantly as he knelt at the bottom of the stairs with the ring. I was shocked. I didn't want to come down the stairs but I did, shaky-legs trembling from adrenaline. I started crying which was misinterpreted as a yes and everyone cheered. I grabbed him and ran out the front door. We talked and I told him we weren't on the same page and I just couldn't go back in there. He was devastated. I left the party.
Unbeknownst to everyone (including him) I was planning to leave to work abroad for the summer. I was keeping it a secret so that no one could talk me out of it and and I was going abroad primarily so I wouldn't have to deal with more pressure to switch schools over the summer. So when I left the party, I decided that rather than wait to leave until the next morning, I'd just get my stuff together and go now. I was out of the house within the hour having left pre-written notes for everyone letting them know I'd contact them when I got where I was going.
Pretty much everyone was livid with me. I'll admit that literally running away from the pressure and continued conversations I didn't want to have was not the most grown up thing to do, but I still maintain it was the right thing for me to do. How many times can you calmly tell people to let you lead the life you want only to have them not listen to you and tell you they know better, insist you live your life according to their wishes? I'd reached my limit and that trip allowed me to assert my independence, find myself and my own voice. I came back a new person and I believe I've had a much a happier life for following my own path.
June’s Very Own 2 years ago
It’s great that you followed your dreams instead of everybody’s expectations and learnt and grew
RELATED:
#2
We were 19 & 21 and had been together for 2 years. He took me to Paris, pulled out all the stops and proposed under the Eiffel Tower. I told him it wasn’t a no, it was a not yet (if he would wait). I wanted to travel and knew I was too young for marriage. We ended up travelling together, making amazing memories through the years - we got engaged when I was 24 and married when I was 27 in the most perfect service and have been happily married 4 years next week!
#3
Sold my great grandmom's wedding set to buy a gaudy diamond monstrosity of a ring.
I had asked him to use the engagement ring to propose with as I would have been the fourth generation to wear it.
He said it was ugly and awful and wouldn't have his "woman" wearing second hand garbage.
I dumped his a*s and got the set back from the pawn shop.
Just realized this was the second time I dumped a guy based on this kind of behavior. I sure can pick 'em.
#4
Dating a guy for a few years. Was 20 years old at the time. Very controlling, wasn't going great. We were opening Christmas presents with his family when he asked. He proposed while saying he loved the woman I would become one day. I said yes in public, but no in private. If you don't even love me now, why propose now? Needless to say it didn't last long
#5
We had been together for about four years I think, and he just kinda popped it out of the blue, like “we should get married” style. So I was like “are you asking me?” And he said yeah, so I said no lol
Basically we were both punky streetkids and I just didn’t want to get married, because marriage is just a contract ofc. So I rolled my eyes at him but I was secretly very flattered.
We stayed together pretty much for years and he ask me a few more times over the course of that, and well, after about ten years he finally wore me down and I said “OK, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Which was as close as I think I was ever going to get to saying yes to anyone - lol - he is definitely the only guy that could have worn me down like that.
We are still together, 16 years since I first said no. 😏
#6
He bought me a ring as a Christmas present. The proposal came the day after with him saying "by the way, that's an engagement ring".
He tried the same thing again the year after. Told him both times that if he couldn't even ask me whether I wanted to actually marry him or not, I didn't want the rings.
June’s Very Own 2 years ago
The person who gifted the rings could have just asked lmao. Why does it sound like they are trying to force them Into it by both giving OP a choice?
#7
Me and my girlfriend had been living together for a couple of years. I asked her if she wanted an engagement ring or a dishwasher for her Birthday.
She chose the dishwasher :)
In her defence she thought I was joking. I had been very clear from the start that I didn't believe in marriage.
It was an awesome dishwasher though. We are still together as well 12 years later (and still not married).
#8
My ex was an abusive narcissist. I was 21 (very naive, first relationship) he was 54 and divorced. I had been gaslit and pushed into the relationship but didn't realize that until later. He demanded keys to my apartment and passwords but refused to give me his and a whole list of c**p like this. Now I wouldn't put up with it but at the time I did. He proposed at 11 months but by then he was verbally and emotionally abusive and had come close to hitting me.
My sperm donor father was a very abusive alcoholic so I only have memories of his BS and I knew I didn't want to repeat the abuse cycle. My mom, Grandma, and Aunt have all had abusive husband's and I didn't want it to continue with me.
Once ex-bf became abusive I warned him to knock that s**t off or I'd leave. He proposed after calling me a stupid b***h. I followed through. I changed the locks in my apartment and my passwords. He actually CALLED me after I changed my passwords screaming about it. I broke up with him, why the hell is he trying to get into my stuff??
After a few weeks of me refusing to go back to him he contacted my boss and accused me of stealing and contacted the fire department I volunteered with and accused me of endangering my team to showboat and get attention. Thankfully both believed me over him and he was blacklisted. He tried to show up several more times at FD events and he was always immediately escorted off property.
I'm still glad I got rid of that ahole.
#9
Childhood sweetheart and boyfriend in Paris asked me to marry him during a drunk night out. Said we should move to Vietnam and start a movie company. I thought he was joking. When I said no, he went on a 5 day drinking binge. I had said no because I knew he was alcoholic.
Well, fast forward 20yrs, he now lives in Vietnam, has a movie company, stopped drinking and happily married. Good on him! Apart from the alcoholism, he was a great guy! Glad he realized his dream.
June’s Very Own 2 years ago
I love self growth so much! I’m glad he’s stopped drinking and hope OP is doing great too!
#10
He thought asking me to marry him and tattooing 'private property of op' would be a good way to make me forget serial cheating
Foxxy (The Original) 2 years ago
Should have let him go through with the tattoo and then left his sorry, cheating a**e. Lol
#11
An ex, I told him things were going downhill and I wanted to end things so he decided to propose to me (thank god not in public) as an attempt to get me to stay. I said no.
#12
A girl I was casually dating, not even in a relationship with, proposed in front of her toddler niece and nephews and a LARGE crowd of people at the aquarium. Even asked her nephew, “Do you want OP to be Auntie OP?” with the ring in hand. I said yes in public and then no privately. Never saw her again after that one.
#13
I had an exboyfriend that I hadn't even seen or spoken to in 3 months show up to my parents' house at 3am. My stepmom would stay up to all hours of the night watching tv so she saw his car lights when he pulled into the side driveway. She came and got me furious he was there and asked why I lied about breaking up with him. I had to explain we were broken up and I had no idea why he was there. When I went outside he was leaning on his car looking lovestruck and crazy. He told me that the universe wanted us together and it was cosmic fate. He then pulled out a frat boy bottle opener ring with a cat toy tied to it and told me he had an important question to ask me. I told him no flat out before he even asked. I pointed at his car and told him to go home. When he asked why I listed all the things that led me to break up with him including him dropping out of school multiple times and not having a job once during our 2 year relationship. He told me he did have a job now. When I asked where he worked, because I knew he was lying, he looked me in the eyes and said if he told me that he'd have to kill me. I had enough and told him to get the hell off my family's property and he left reluctantly telling me he'd be back. I never saw him again but I heard through the grapevine that he told others that he had shown up in a tux with a huge diamond ring that I threw on the ground. I used to wonder what would have happened if my stepmom didn't see his car pull up.
Sorry for typos, I'm on mobile.
#14
He was proposing to show how he was fully committed and dedicated to me and only me after he was caught cheating.
#15
About 3 or 4 months after we started dating he asked. It was a moment...we had a fun night out, a little buzzed, in a cab over the Williamsburg Bridge looking at the NYC skyline, weather was beautiful...I think we were both feeling immortal.
But I said, you know...I'm saying no now because we haven't been dating so long and we've had a bit to drink and we're just caught up in the moment. He seemed dejected. He was still dejected days later.
That said, a few years later after we'd been together long enough I said yes and we got hitched so we still got the happy ending!
#16
He brought me up to his apartment about a 2 hour drive from my college. I was basically trapped there. He asked me while he was feeling insecure about the relationship and figured a proposal would lock me in place. I dodged it for a few days, but I needed to get back to classes and he wouldn't take me back till I said yes. I figured he was a bright guy and would come to his senses eventually. He got me back to school. Eventually he realized that coercion is not a good proposal strategy.
June’s Very Own 2 years ago
I’m glad that he let you go and learned his lesson that it wasn’t gonna work. Always good to see character development by the end of the posts lol
#17
A few years back, I was dating this guy. At first, he seemed very kind, sweet and happy. Handsome too. I thought he was a great catch, especially as some toxic friends of mine were lowering my self esteem. A few months after we started dating, he started changing. It was subtle at first, he would stop spending time with me and blaming me for it. Then came the gaslighting and manipulation. He started isolating me from my family, and hurting me when I refused to do things for him. Eventually, I got the strength to deal with the situation and tell him that we were over. To get me to stay, he hosted a large party with lots of friends and publicly asked me to marry him. I said no.
#18
He proposed as a knee-jerk reaction when we were going through a rough patch. It was a pretty inappropriate gesture and I told him no and why it was a no. He wasn't being flippant, just turns out he was scared of where our relationship was going. We ended up working on ourselves and were married five years later.
#19
This is one for me, I have done this twice.
1. We were dating for about 4 years, and were in our early 20s. I felt unsure about our rest-of-life compatibility and suggested we needed to have some serious conversations to work out our plans moving forward after Uni. All of these conversations made me increasingly sure we were incompatible.
Surprise surprise, they made him increasingly sure about the future and he wanted to get married. We were literally doing the deed under a lit Christmas tree at 3am and he asked me to marry him.
I said we weren't ready, bad plan. He still didn't have any idea what that would look like or how we would work out some fairly serious things around our location, jobs, etc.
Eventually I got tired of saying no to a marriage I didn't think would work, and felt pushed and trapped... so I broke up with him. We remain friends; I was a bridesmaid in his wedding a couple years ago. It was the right choice.
2. Only dating very briefly. He proposed in a restaurant, with a terrifyingly large ring, and provided me a pdf copy of his tax return so I could see he would be a good provider.
Everything he did told me he hadn't really ever listened to me or got to know me properly. I said yes in the restaurant, to avoid causing embarrassment, and called it all off afterwards. He turned into an obsessive stalker and I had to get an AVO in the end.
#20
I had a boyfriend cheat on me SO many times. The break up was hard, but then he got activated from the military reserves. I didn’t meet anyone till 2 months before he came back. The whole time I wanted him back, but he and I weren’t really officially together, and I knew he was talking to another girl the whole time he was gone. He came back, and saw the other girl first (he says to break up with her, ya right) and I realized I didn’t like him, thank God! He showed up at my apartment, saw me with my new boyfriend, and proposed in a crying fit. It was horrid. 3 months earlier and I’d have done it, but thank god for the timing of things
#21
I'm just anti marriage in general. When I was pregnant, I guess my boyfriend went into a nervous crisis and decided he better propose in case that's what I truly wanted and was just not saying it. We've actually since then had an unofficial "marriage" ceremony that we created and designed, it was lovely. I often refer to him as my husband and a lot of our family believes we are actually legally married since they attended our "marriage", but nope, it was just a private marriage between me and my boyfriend, the government was not invited.
Mondkatze 2 years ago
Imo it Shows true love and respect, if you Stick together without a marriage Bindung you. But then you have to write down every but of wishes and so, i case you or your so has an accident for example, so you/ your so will be the contacted person and decision maker. At least in Germany you have more duties than rights if You're not married but living together for more than a year.
#22
I said no when I wasn’t quite proposed to.
The first year I was with my ex, I went to Christmas at his family’s place. We’d been together close to a year, and we’d had a lot of problems already. 3 months prior to this, I had nearly broken up with him, but we “worked it out.” *Cue massive eyeroll*
His family had this weird tradition, where they watched each person individually open each gift while the rest watched on. I thought I was done opening gifts, and was chatting with his mom on my right, when she motioned for me to look to my left.
There was my boyfriend, down on one knee, holding a small jewelry box, and smiling. I didn’t wait for him to say anything, I just said, “No! Please excuse me,” and ran out of the house. His BIL later told me all the color drained out of my face, and I looked at my ex with “abject terror.”
Anyway, he followed me out of the house, and explained that what he was holding wasn’t an engagement ring, but a Diamond necklace. He convinced me to come back inside and his family was nice, but there was definitely tension for the rest of the night.
We ended up staying together for 2 more years, and actually *did* get engaged later on, but it was an incredibly poor decision, and I’m very relieved that I did not actually marry him.
The Starsong Princess 2 years ago
There’s nothing weird about opening Christmas gifts one at a time. It allows everyone to participate and gives them a chance to thank the giver. No frenzy. My niece and nephew have always done it that way with the family and they are a delight to give gifts to.
#23
I was literally breaking up with him because he was abusive, manipulative, and our life goals did not match up (i wanted to get married and maybe have children and he didn't). I had packed up most of my things while he was at work and when he got home, we had the long-awaited conversation and he pulls out a taco bell hot sauce packet that said "marry me" on it. When I told him absolutely not, he then grabs the keys to his shotgun cable lock along with the ammo and hands them to me and says "take this, cause I can't be trusted with it." Implying he was going to kill himself. This was about 5 or six months after my dad had committed suicide.
#24
My then boyfriend wanted to marry me because of how much money I would eventually make; upon getting into my field.
He then wanted to share a cell phone bill, rent an apartment, and be a stay at home dad. While trying to convince me to have sex with him, without a condom. All while having anger issues, and almost hitting me twice. This isn’t even half of what went on.
🚩We dated for three months... 🚩 I left that relationship fast. Thought he was a good person initially before we dated. Which is why I went out with him.
Edit 1: I forgot to add this because I’m on mobile. He wanted all the birthday gift he gave me back. Said he never had money for anything, but, would smoke almost three packs of cigarettes a day.
He would also tell try to condition me into things by stating “we will never go to XYZ.” Or “we will always be poor and never travel.” To “No offense babe, I will never buy you a Diamond ring as I don’t believe in it.” Tried to teach him how to drive, get a better job because he asked me. To helping his family out.
He only wanted to continue wilting as a wallflower, and complain about his circumstances rather than grow.
#25
I loved him, If he asked me to get married 3 days before I would've said yes, BUT I received a message 2 days before the proposal from someone telling me that he was part of a gang, with proof and everything.
#26
Was 18 and had just graduated high school when the guy I dated on and off since sophomore year texted me that he wanted to marry me. Assumed it was just a flirt thing people do but he wasn't joking and called me, telling me if we got married we could get money for college from the state (not sure if that's even true?) and go ahead and have kids that same year so we could have our parents insurance (again, not sure if that's how that works either!).
It blew my mind because he was so serious about it. He said, "let's go pick out a ring and have dinner." I asked why would he ask to marry me without a ring, he said because he wasn't "wasting his time" trying to find something when I could do it myself. Oh, and we needed to go half and half on my ring. 🤔
I turned him down obviously and we argued for a week straight then broke up for good. Met my soon to be husband two months later. The ex ended up dating my friends little sister who was in high school (he was 19, she was 17) and did the same thing to her. Not sure how that's going for them
#27
My ex Andrew asked three times. Each time was during a rough patch of our relationship and was his way of trying to “fix” things. I told him no each time because when I get married, I want to get married because I care about someone and want to share my life adventure with them, not as a bandage to a problem. I’ve seen what happens when two people get married for the wrong reasons and it never ends well. Well Andrew didn’t like that and told me I wasted his and broke up with me.
It’s a bit of a relief as now nearly a year later I’ve meet someone who is absolutely amazing that I click with really well and has similar life goals named Chris. Chris has been respectful of my decision to not make our relationship official just yet so that already speaks volumes about how things will go if we reach the point of considering getting married.
#28
I think I always knew he wasn’t husband material even though I wanted our family to stay together. He proposed 4 times with me saying no each time. I agreed to come back after he broke up with me for getting pregnant so that he could have the opportunity to be a father, but deep down I think I just knew he really was never going to be dad of the year 🤷♀️ and now our child is 14 and he married the LOHL who made him choose between her and our child and as of January he is no longer involved in any aspect of her life.
#29
He went to see a movie with a friend, and he forgot to hit "send" on the text that would've informed that he was just going to be out really late and was not, in fact, dead or something. (I had some serious anxiety back then.)
I had to work at 5am, and he didn't come home until around 4. Apparently he'd had a very serious discussion with his friend, and he'd decided that he wanted to marry me. So he asked me. Right then, at 4am, an hour before I had to be at work, and after I'd spent several hours laying awake thinking of all the horrible ways he could've died. (Anxiety is a b***h, okay?)
In retrospect, I get the sentiment, but it was a really dumb time for a proposal, so I told him to go f**k himself.
Eventually I did say yes, but that's another story.
#30
A friend from high school whom I had known for about a year proposed to me while I was in my first semester of college. The proposal was made over the phone, long distance (this was in the late 1960's). I never saw him as more than a great friend. My Mom thought he was really great which was nice but, no reason to basis a marriage. He really was a nice guy and we had fun together but, I was not "in love" with him.
A few years ago I found out that he died of cancer in the mid 1980's and I was sorry to learn of his death. We did not keep in touch and I only saw him once after the proposal and he had married a lovely woman who I thought suited him. Seems I was wrong as she divorced him at some point.
What do you think ?
Alex 2 years ago
We were in his mom's car waiting for friends to arrive for an event. He was saying how we would be great together and how we should get married. His mom was pressuring me to say I'd marry him. They said we didn't even have to kiss. I said I didn't want to. Once all his guy friends were there he told everyone I had agreed to marry him. I quickly said "No I didn't!" All his friends laughed at him and I could tell he was hurt. We were 7 years old and on the way to a field trip.
lenka 2 years ago (edited)
I've turned down two proposals. The first was my high school sweetheart and first love. We were together during high school and for the a few years after. I graduated very young (16) and went on to Uni and lived alone and independently (working my a**e off to do so) so it probably seemed like we were much older and more ready than I felt we were. When I turned 18 (he was 20) he proposed. He was a wonderful, kind thoughtful guy and I loved him but I wasn't ready for marriage. Shortly after that I actually realized that although I loved him, I didn't want the same future he did and we broke up. It was heart breaking for us both but the right decision. The second time I had been casually dating a guy for about 2 months. I was starting to have my doubts about him. We met up for lunch and I was planning to break up with him, but before I could he proposed! It was shocking and weird and I noped outa there faster than you can say I dont. I said yes to the third guy who proposed and have been happily married for years.
Lyone Fein 2 years ago
I don't understand all the break up proposals. Like, if someone is going to end the relationship, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?
Alex 2 years ago
We were in his mom's car waiting for friends to arrive for an event. He was saying how we would be great together and how we should get married. His mom was pressuring me to say I'd marry him. They said we didn't even have to kiss. I said I didn't want to. Once all his guy friends were there he told everyone I had agreed to marry him. I quickly said "No I didn't!" All his friends laughed at him and I could tell he was hurt. We were 7 years old and on the way to a field trip.
lenka 2 years ago (edited)
I've turned down two proposals. The first was my high school sweetheart and first love. We were together during high school and for the a few years after. I graduated very young (16) and went on to Uni and lived alone and independently (working my a**e off to do so) so it probably seemed like we were much older and more ready than I felt we were. When I turned 18 (he was 20) he proposed. He was a wonderful, kind thoughtful guy and I loved him but I wasn't ready for marriage. Shortly after that I actually realized that although I loved him, I didn't want the same future he did and we broke up. It was heart breaking for us both but the right decision. The second time I had been casually dating a guy for about 2 months. I was starting to have my doubts about him. We met up for lunch and I was planning to break up with him, but before I could he proposed! It was shocking and weird and I noped outa there faster than you can say I dont. I said yes to the third guy who proposed and have been happily married for years.
Lyone Fein 2 years ago
I don't understand all the break up proposals. Like, if someone is going to end the relationship, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?
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