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I Hated My Baby From The Moment She Was Born And Was Too Frightened To Tell Anyone
3 years ago I gave birth to my beautiful daughter and was hit by crippling postnatal psychosis.
Only now am I starting to be comfortable talking about her first year; quite possibly the worst year of my life. That shouldn’t be the case. We shouldn’t have to hide in shame.
This is my story, one that is frighteningly common.
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I’d wanted to have a baby for years. My husband and I were so happy when we found out I was pregnant. Throughout the labor, I was so excited to meet my daughter, I couldn’t wait. But when they placed her on my chest, all I could think was – “I don’t want this. Take it away.”
I didn’t know what it was, and I was so frightened and ashamed. I’d never experienced mental health issues before and suddenly here I was, breaking a fundamental law of biology: I didn’t love my child – I hated her.
I felt like I’d betrayed evolution. The most basic of our instincts is to care for our young but I couldn’t manage even that.
We were released after 5 days (scumbag uterus tried to kill me and my baby). I remember leaving and the midwife saying “She’s so beautiful” and all I could think was “Please don’t make me take her.” When we got home I realized just how little we knew about looking after a baby.
She wouldn’t sleep. She would just scream and scream and it made everything so much worse. And when she did sleep…
I had no idea that what I had was a mental health problem. I knew only 2 things: 1) I was an embarrassment to the human species; and 2) for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to be here anymore.
I also lived on the 13th floor of a tower block, which presented a very quick and easy exit.
After those thoughts, I decided that I had to get out of the flat. My first solo outing with my daughter was a disaster.
I had two large, circular wet patches around each nipple where I’d soaked through breast pads, a bra, a t-shirt and my jumper.
Word of warning, ladies: there’s some serious pressure behind the flow.
My husband started suspecting something was wrong as I was spending ages in the loo (crying) and coming out with red, swollen eyes. There was no way I was going to admit how awful of a human I was, but he knew something was up and started helping out in small ways, and that made all the difference. But then…
I started hallucinating. Her eyes went black and her head turned into this odd alien shape.
Scared the sh*t out of me. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise though, as it snapped me back to reality: I was ill.
I called the doctors and they said they could see me in 10 minutes. I love the NHS.
They gave me a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a mental health nurse, a health visitor who came round at least once a week, and 2 nurses who would randomly come round to make sure that I hadn’t committed suicide. More importantly, they showed me all the many ways I’d been taking good care of my baby without realizing.
I should never have doubted my husband. Ladies, men (it can affect men, too), talk to your partners, don’t be ashamed. Don’t do this alone.
I would’ve gotten better a lot faster if I’d just confided in people. Why didn’t I? Because I was too ashamed.
One year after my daughter’s birth I was discharged!
Seriously guys, go get help. Talk to your loved ones. I never even told my mother. She only found out recently and was really hurt that I didn’t confide in her back then. We need to start talking about this. We don’t talk about it because it’s taboo, and it’s taboo because we don’t talk about it. There are some really good helplines dedicated to people who are suffering from postnatal depression and psychosis. They can answer all of your questions and worries, and help you get through the mess your mind has created.
Please don’t let this put you off having kids. Children are wonderful and they make up for whatever hell your mind might put you through. Here’s solid proof – had a second child two and a half years after my first daughter was born. No mental health issues this time!
Much love, Juno and Oliver’s Mum.
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What do you think ?
Night Owl 5 years ago (edited)
I assume they did it to make the whole thing look more cheerful and also for the "young and hip" readers. I fully agree they could and should have scaled it back
Load More Replies...
Turd Ferguson 5 years ago
Wow, the humility and vulnerability you show in sharing this is inspiring. There is no doubt this will help untold numbers.
Sakeena Abdullah 5 years ago
I suspect I had some baby blues, but I didn't tell anyone. I was the saddest I'd ever been in my marriage, and my husband coped by not dealing with me at all. It's great that this woman had support from so many people, and wonderful she had a second child with no issues.
DawnMarie 5 years ago
This happened to me. It was horrible. I suffered a whole year before I mentioned to my doctor that I MIGHT be depressed. But I never mentioned any of my other symptoms which were much the same as the woman in this story. Including dreams where my daughter died and I woke up feeling relieved and happy. It took me almost 3 years to navigate my way through-and out of this horrible condition. I made the mistake of never asking for help. In fact, this is the first time I've ever told anyone...she is 23.
Alia G. 5 years ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you and your daughter are ok.
Load More Replies...
Susan Zanke 5 years ago
Bravo! Bravo for getting help, bravo for sharing your experience, and bravo for the vulnerable yet sweet and supportive way you shared your story. Thank you!!!
Stanimira Deleva 5 years ago
It is not your fault. The hormonal change during pregnancy when you are having a girl messes up your brain. It happens very often with mothers of girls. I am very happy you are ok now.
Martha Meyer 5 years ago
There has recently been a French study that says the exact opposite. that women with boys were more likely to develop postpartum depression. I don't however believe that there is a hormonal difference during pregnancy depending on which gender the baby is.
Load More Replies...
Robin Jackson 5 years ago
This is more real than anyone realizes. It can range from very minor to actually harming the baby and or yourself. Throw into the mix any pre-existing mental health conditions, whether known or unknown, and the outcome can be devastating. It is important to have a foundation of friends and family you trust to not judge you BEFORE you deliver. Trying to find understanding souls to talk to after you're neck deep in psychosis is not the best option! You can do this. You don't have to be perfect, for yourself or anyone else! Breathe.
Turnip and a Frog 5 years ago
It made it impossible to read for me because of all the memes. What happened to good old storytelling? The authorβs text is not that complicated to insert an explanatory pic almost every sentence. Ugh, horror to get through.
BusLady 5 years ago
Maybe at some point we will. The present system is full of flaws.
Load More Replies...
Marie Boyce 5 years ago
I've been dealing with postpartum but it's gotten much better ever since my doctor started me on Zoloft. I was so mad at my son and was openly saying to my partner that I've ruined my life by having him. I waited months before mentioning it and I felt (still do) that my boyfriend just blows it off and doesn't try to understand. He'll offer to listen but never has anything to say which makes me feel like I'm completely alone in this. Unfortunately it's not something that's discussed much more than just online.
NWB 5 years ago
This was me last year. I felt nothing for my baby.....nothing at all. After all this time wanting her, I wanted her out of my life and if that couldnt happen then I wanted to be out of this life. After multiple hospital stays, I finally love my little one and love the mother that I am to her. Im not saying this s**t aint hard cause it is, really really hard. But you will get better, trust in anyone who will listen and help you, you are not alone. x
BusLady 5 years ago
I 'm sorry you went through that. And glad for you that it has gotten better.
Load More Replies...
Susan Forbes 5 years ago
Meme game is on point. Props to you for getting through this and reaching out for help.
The Girl on Fire 5 years ago
Important message here, but too many memes. Kind of took away from the seriousness of the story when there's a Kermit meme right after a statement about her considering suicide.
TheKnightOwl 5 years ago
Post natal depression and post natal psychosis are very different, just wanted to put that out there. I had the former after every pregnancy, and it got worse with each one. Last one had me in hospital for 6 weeks. While there, I met women who had past natal psychosis as well, and they had a very different journey, but recovery was just as possible for all of us with the right support. Also wanted to mention that depression and/or psychosis can present itself during pregnancy as well. A woman my husband knew in his youth suffered with it, and it took her life, and that of her unborn child. Hideous illness.
Kat 5 years ago
I never even knew this could be a thing. Now I can't help but wonder if certain things can put you at higher risk for developing this, like a history of mental health problems, or certwin conditions that can cause hormonal imbalances, and what specifically causes it to trigger in those people who develop it, etc.
Derek Neibarger 5 years ago
I tried to read this, but the memes were so annoying I couldn't get any further than the part about living on the 13th floor. Seriously, memes are lame. Lots of memes is super lame. Lots of stupid memes constantly interrupting an otherwise serious and interesting story is super goddamn lame.
Monica Michelle 5 years ago
I am so happy you found help and so very jealous being in the us that you have the nhs. Even with health insurance the care you received woukd have been in the tens of thousands here
Elina 5 years ago
Thank you for sharing! I wish also that people would realise, that those problems can occur during pregnancy too! We were planning to have a child, waiting eagerly a positive test. When the I saw the double line I felt empty. After three months of feeling nothing I began to feel extreme anxiety, anger and sadness. After three months of panic attacks I denied the whole pregnancy despite of my growing belly. When I told about this to our nurse, she did everything for me: I got medication, psych.nurse, psychiatrist and she calls me twice a week. I am now getting better, but still too ashamed to share this even with my closest ones. Only my husband knows the real situatuon , because when I've told about this to someone else I get completely useless advice: everyone has mood swings, go out and walk, see friends etc. Good advices for small blues, but not for wanting to kill your baby. Remember guys, if someone wants to share with you, do not give advice, just listen!
Jill Pulcifer 5 years ago
I had a very similar situation with my first child, I couldn't shut my brain off, every moment of every day all I did was imagine her dying in awful ways. The thoughts were intrusive, constant and I was miserable, I alternated from rushing her to the emergency room over silly little nothings, and avoiding her like the plague, (I worked 3 jobs at one point so my mother would watch her, I was in a terrible marriage at the time to a man who couldnt be trusted to care for her) I didn't tell a soul, not a single person, it thankfully started to go away sometime during her second year, but effected our relationship for a long time and pushed back the birth of her siblings for many years. There is so much shame associated with this, it needs to be talked about, women have to know that it is ok to ask for help, I wish I had.
Rhonda 5 years ago
Really people??? Complain about the number of memes??? How shallow and self absorbed are you??? Someone bravely comes out and tells her story of mental Hell and you have the audacity to judge her platform??? No wonder we don't feel able to talk about our problems and our pain. I admire you sweet sister for stepping out and telling your story. I admire your honesty and your bravery. Keep being real and you will help others get there too regardless of the judgmental attitudes os some. Bless you and your family.
Jaded Queen 5 years ago
See. Here is another reason of not having kids. People don't have kids or not more than one. The planet is dying. Don't be ridiculous , half-wits. Full of sefish s**t.
Rhon 5 years ago
I worked in a Post and ante natal depression centre. In a small city of just under 400,000 we serviced 400 families a year. We went from 3 days a week to 4 with night sessions as well. Mainly for mums but with special nights for dads. Even had one dad coming for one on one sessions for 8 weeks. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE! Talk to your doctor, husband, mother , sister, friend someone. There is no need for to be embarrassed as so many parents go through this.
Full Name 5 years ago
Is it a chemical imbalance? Or maybe it's when the "idea" of a future baby becomes "holy s**t, here it is and this is forever" and s**t gets a little too real a little too quick. Either way it f*****g sucks for everyone involved. All you can do is hope the people in your life are understanding and want to help you instead of judging something that's not your fault.
Linouchka 99 5 years ago
It's largely hormonal at first, and it becomes a mental health problem, but you can recover.
Load More Replies...
Melissa H 5 years ago
I've never been in a physical altercation in my life and after i had my daughter one night I tried to attack my husband. Luckily enough he caught me and wrapped me up, sat on the floor with me and kissed my head and told me we needed to see a doctor. We went the next day, it was hard at first but then with help I became better. Now my daughter is my best friend,. When I got better and realized I tried to attack one of the most important people in my life, I was devastated. He understood I wasn't of sound mind, nothing like that has ever happened again. I'm grateful for the doctors and more grateful for my husbands understanding.
Azure Adams 5 years ago
Good taking care of mental health issues!!!!! Still #childfreeforlife over here
Jeza Bel 5 years ago
I'm sorry for your story and happy you're sharing . But i have to say one thing: I'm 19 and I see that you made this many memes maybe as someone says to look "young" to the youngers readers, but it's too much and the memes are cancerous lol they even don't make sense , take a look at (exemple) at " I believe in nothing" page and look what memes are lol (not trying to be rude but I cringed so hard through the whole story cause of the memes )
Leigh C. 5 years ago
But if you're a younger parent CFS jumps on you and will take your baby without giving you any direction to help or resources because that's what they're waiting for. They look for any reason to snatch a baby out of a young mothers arms to prove a point, to say you're too young/inexperienced/immature/irresponsible to ever have a chance at proving yourself, and would rather collect the money they get when they do apprehend a child. If you're a married, a little older of a mother, have other kids, own a home, a car, educated, have a stable career and any of the other Dr. Phil standards of being a parent, you have resources and all the support at your fingertips with little judgement.
Paul K. Johnson 5 years ago
I know it's not easy and couldn't begin to know what a woman goes through during and after pregnancy. But what the article started off with confuses me. She said, "Only now am I starting to be comfortable talking about her first year; quite possibly the worst year of my life. That shouldnβt be the case. We shouldnβt have to hide in shame." Whoever said you had to hide in shame? This is why there are mental health services. You don't have to tell anyone else but there is help available.
Linouchka 99 5 years ago
She felt ashamed not because someone told her to be ashamed, but because the entire society tells women that having a baby is the most beautiful and natural thing they could ever experience in their life. The norm is that you have a baby and happiness ensues. So, when you don't feel THAT, you feel like a monstruous alien, and you don't dare tell anyone, even your mother, because of fear you might be judged a bad mom, a bad person even. You don't think anyone will understand. Why is this so ? Because the fact that sometimes having a baby messes with your mental health is largely swept under the rug by society and not expected by moms-to-be. So, when it happens to them, they are ashamed by it.
Load More Replies...
Night Owl 5 years ago (edited)
I assume they did it to make the whole thing look more cheerful and also for the "young and hip" readers. I fully agree they could and should have scaled it back
Load More Replies... Turd Ferguson 5 years ago
Wow, the humility and vulnerability you show in sharing this is inspiring. There is no doubt this will help untold numbers.
Sakeena Abdullah 5 years ago
I suspect I had some baby blues, but I didn't tell anyone. I was the saddest I'd ever been in my marriage, and my husband coped by not dealing with me at all. It's great that this woman had support from so many people, and wonderful she had a second child with no issues.
DawnMarie 5 years ago
This happened to me. It was horrible. I suffered a whole year before I mentioned to my doctor that I MIGHT be depressed. But I never mentioned any of my other symptoms which were much the same as the woman in this story. Including dreams where my daughter died and I woke up feeling relieved and happy. It took me almost 3 years to navigate my way through-and out of this horrible condition. I made the mistake of never asking for help. In fact, this is the first time I've ever told anyone...she is 23.
Alia G. 5 years ago
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad you and your daughter are ok.
Load More Replies... Susan Zanke 5 years ago
Bravo! Bravo for getting help, bravo for sharing your experience, and bravo for the vulnerable yet sweet and supportive way you shared your story. Thank you!!!
Stanimira Deleva 5 years ago
It is not your fault. The hormonal change during pregnancy when you are having a girl messes up your brain. It happens very often with mothers of girls. I am very happy you are ok now.
Martha Meyer 5 years ago
There has recently been a French study that says the exact opposite. that women with boys were more likely to develop postpartum depression. I don't however believe that there is a hormonal difference during pregnancy depending on which gender the baby is.
Load More Replies... Robin Jackson 5 years ago
This is more real than anyone realizes. It can range from very minor to actually harming the baby and or yourself. Throw into the mix any pre-existing mental health conditions, whether known or unknown, and the outcome can be devastating. It is important to have a foundation of friends and family you trust to not judge you BEFORE you deliver. Trying to find understanding souls to talk to after you're neck deep in psychosis is not the best option! You can do this. You don't have to be perfect, for yourself or anyone else! Breathe.
Turnip and a Frog 5 years ago
It made it impossible to read for me because of all the memes. What happened to good old storytelling? The authorβs text is not that complicated to insert an explanatory pic almost every sentence. Ugh, horror to get through.
BusLady 5 years ago
Maybe at some point we will. The present system is full of flaws.
Load More Replies... Marie Boyce 5 years ago
I've been dealing with postpartum but it's gotten much better ever since my doctor started me on Zoloft. I was so mad at my son and was openly saying to my partner that I've ruined my life by having him. I waited months before mentioning it and I felt (still do) that my boyfriend just blows it off and doesn't try to understand. He'll offer to listen but never has anything to say which makes me feel like I'm completely alone in this. Unfortunately it's not something that's discussed much more than just online.
NWB 5 years ago
This was me last year. I felt nothing for my baby.....nothing at all. After all this time wanting her, I wanted her out of my life and if that couldnt happen then I wanted to be out of this life. After multiple hospital stays, I finally love my little one and love the mother that I am to her. Im not saying this s**t aint hard cause it is, really really hard. But you will get better, trust in anyone who will listen and help you, you are not alone. x
BusLady 5 years ago
I 'm sorry you went through that. And glad for you that it has gotten better.
Load More Replies... Susan Forbes 5 years ago
Meme game is on point. Props to you for getting through this and reaching out for help.
The Girl on Fire 5 years ago
Important message here, but too many memes. Kind of took away from the seriousness of the story when there's a Kermit meme right after a statement about her considering suicide.
TheKnightOwl 5 years ago
Post natal depression and post natal psychosis are very different, just wanted to put that out there. I had the former after every pregnancy, and it got worse with each one. Last one had me in hospital for 6 weeks. While there, I met women who had past natal psychosis as well, and they had a very different journey, but recovery was just as possible for all of us with the right support. Also wanted to mention that depression and/or psychosis can present itself during pregnancy as well. A woman my husband knew in his youth suffered with it, and it took her life, and that of her unborn child. Hideous illness.
Kat 5 years ago
I never even knew this could be a thing. Now I can't help but wonder if certain things can put you at higher risk for developing this, like a history of mental health problems, or certwin conditions that can cause hormonal imbalances, and what specifically causes it to trigger in those people who develop it, etc.
Derek Neibarger 5 years ago
I tried to read this, but the memes were so annoying I couldn't get any further than the part about living on the 13th floor. Seriously, memes are lame. Lots of memes is super lame. Lots of stupid memes constantly interrupting an otherwise serious and interesting story is super goddamn lame.
Monica Michelle 5 years ago
I am so happy you found help and so very jealous being in the us that you have the nhs. Even with health insurance the care you received woukd have been in the tens of thousands here
Elina 5 years ago
Thank you for sharing! I wish also that people would realise, that those problems can occur during pregnancy too! We were planning to have a child, waiting eagerly a positive test. When the I saw the double line I felt empty. After three months of feeling nothing I began to feel extreme anxiety, anger and sadness. After three months of panic attacks I denied the whole pregnancy despite of my growing belly. When I told about this to our nurse, she did everything for me: I got medication, psych.nurse, psychiatrist and she calls me twice a week. I am now getting better, but still too ashamed to share this even with my closest ones. Only my husband knows the real situatuon , because when I've told about this to someone else I get completely useless advice: everyone has mood swings, go out and walk, see friends etc. Good advices for small blues, but not for wanting to kill your baby. Remember guys, if someone wants to share with you, do not give advice, just listen!
Jill Pulcifer 5 years ago
I had a very similar situation with my first child, I couldn't shut my brain off, every moment of every day all I did was imagine her dying in awful ways. The thoughts were intrusive, constant and I was miserable, I alternated from rushing her to the emergency room over silly little nothings, and avoiding her like the plague, (I worked 3 jobs at one point so my mother would watch her, I was in a terrible marriage at the time to a man who couldnt be trusted to care for her) I didn't tell a soul, not a single person, it thankfully started to go away sometime during her second year, but effected our relationship for a long time and pushed back the birth of her siblings for many years. There is so much shame associated with this, it needs to be talked about, women have to know that it is ok to ask for help, I wish I had.
Rhonda 5 years ago
Really people??? Complain about the number of memes??? How shallow and self absorbed are you??? Someone bravely comes out and tells her story of mental Hell and you have the audacity to judge her platform??? No wonder we don't feel able to talk about our problems and our pain. I admire you sweet sister for stepping out and telling your story. I admire your honesty and your bravery. Keep being real and you will help others get there too regardless of the judgmental attitudes os some. Bless you and your family.
Jaded Queen 5 years ago
See. Here is another reason of not having kids. People don't have kids or not more than one. The planet is dying. Don't be ridiculous , half-wits. Full of sefish s**t.
Rhon 5 years ago
I worked in a Post and ante natal depression centre. In a small city of just under 400,000 we serviced 400 families a year. We went from 3 days a week to 4 with night sessions as well. Mainly for mums but with special nights for dads. Even had one dad coming for one on one sessions for 8 weeks. YOU HAVE TO TALK TO SOMEONE! Talk to your doctor, husband, mother , sister, friend someone. There is no need for to be embarrassed as so many parents go through this.
Full Name 5 years ago
Is it a chemical imbalance? Or maybe it's when the "idea" of a future baby becomes "holy s**t, here it is and this is forever" and s**t gets a little too real a little too quick. Either way it f*****g sucks for everyone involved. All you can do is hope the people in your life are understanding and want to help you instead of judging something that's not your fault.
Linouchka 99 5 years ago
It's largely hormonal at first, and it becomes a mental health problem, but you can recover.
Load More Replies... Melissa H 5 years ago
I've never been in a physical altercation in my life and after i had my daughter one night I tried to attack my husband. Luckily enough he caught me and wrapped me up, sat on the floor with me and kissed my head and told me we needed to see a doctor. We went the next day, it was hard at first but then with help I became better. Now my daughter is my best friend,. When I got better and realized I tried to attack one of the most important people in my life, I was devastated. He understood I wasn't of sound mind, nothing like that has ever happened again. I'm grateful for the doctors and more grateful for my husbands understanding.
Azure Adams 5 years ago
Good taking care of mental health issues!!!!! Still #childfreeforlife over here
Jeza Bel 5 years ago
I'm sorry for your story and happy you're sharing . But i have to say one thing: I'm 19 and I see that you made this many memes maybe as someone says to look "young" to the youngers readers, but it's too much and the memes are cancerous lol they even don't make sense , take a look at (exemple) at " I believe in nothing" page and look what memes are lol (not trying to be rude but I cringed so hard through the whole story cause of the memes )
Leigh C. 5 years ago
But if you're a younger parent CFS jumps on you and will take your baby without giving you any direction to help or resources because that's what they're waiting for. They look for any reason to snatch a baby out of a young mothers arms to prove a point, to say you're too young/inexperienced/immature/irresponsible to ever have a chance at proving yourself, and would rather collect the money they get when they do apprehend a child. If you're a married, a little older of a mother, have other kids, own a home, a car, educated, have a stable career and any of the other Dr. Phil standards of being a parent, you have resources and all the support at your fingertips with little judgement.
Paul K. Johnson 5 years ago
I know it's not easy and couldn't begin to know what a woman goes through during and after pregnancy. But what the article started off with confuses me. She said, "Only now am I starting to be comfortable talking about her first year; quite possibly the worst year of my life. That shouldnβt be the case. We shouldnβt have to hide in shame." Whoever said you had to hide in shame? This is why there are mental health services. You don't have to tell anyone else but there is help available.
Linouchka 99 5 years ago
She felt ashamed not because someone told her to be ashamed, but because the entire society tells women that having a baby is the most beautiful and natural thing they could ever experience in their life. The norm is that you have a baby and happiness ensues. So, when you don't feel THAT, you feel like a monstruous alien, and you don't dare tell anyone, even your mother, because of fear you might be judged a bad mom, a bad person even. You don't think anyone will understand. Why is this so ? Because the fact that sometimes having a baby messes with your mental health is largely swept under the rug by society and not expected by moms-to-be. So, when it happens to them, they are ashamed by it.
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