Mother of the Year

I was molested at the young age of just six years old.

You didn’t do anything to defend me or nurture my soul.

How could you look me in my innocent, blue eyes

And be so heartless and cold?

In a drunken rage, you would punch me.

You bounced me off of the walls and made my ears ring.

You’d slap me so hard that my cheeks would sting.

For seven years, Dad was dying from cancer.

As my eyes filled with tears, I’d be looking for answers.

“WHY ME? WHY SO MUCH SUFFERING?”

For years, I believed what you said.

Every abusive, brutal word had lies swirling in my head.

I have realized that you were wrong

and I’m thankfully re-thinking.

You did what you had to do

to provide for me and for that I am grateful.

I’m sad to say that rest of it has felt pretty hateful.

Where’s the connection? Where is the love and support?

Mom, why do you think that loving me is such an impossible chore?

You claim that I’ve never been good enough and you expect perfection.

I probably would be further along

If you stopped focusing on what I’m doing wrong.

Mother of the Year, let’s look at your credentials.

You wanna talk about perfection?

How about your parenting? You have been detrimental.

…HOW ABOUT SOME SELF REFLECTION?!

You bragged about the abuse like it was a badge of honor.

I have issues left and right; I know.

Instead of tearing me down, how about you help me grow?

As you say harsh things,

I feel God’s love drawing me in and telling me not to listen.

Your validation should have always been freely given.

Why did you try to make me earn it?

How about you help me fix things

before I have to take this bridge and burn it?

Will you stop hiding behind your walls?

I have so much of myself to give

…Will you please just receive it all!?

I don’t understand how you can be so ruthless.

If given the chance, I wouldn’t choose this.

Mother of the year, you will not

receive any accolades, awards or prizes.

Allow me to crown your actions with anger and judgment.

I’ve done what I can to love you

And I’m about to give up on trying.

I feel sorry for you because you are missing out.

Who do you think you are?

Do you even know who you’re talking about?

Even if you refuse to cherish me,

I still have my worth and beauty.

My value will never decrease even if you disagree.

I hope one day you will wake up

and see that you have missed it.

I hope you realize what you’ve done and ask for forgiveness.

If you ever came to me wanting a relationship,

I hope you know that I would give it.

I want your guidance, affection and acceptance.

I don’t understand how you can

look at your very own daughter,

and say that you never wanted or needed me.

Didn’t you grow up dreaming about having kids?

LOOK, MOM, I’M RIGHT HERE. YOU’VE GOT HER.

You can try to rip me apart.

Even if my heart is bleeding, you still won’t be succeeding.

Even if you don’t want me, you will always be in my heart.

I will forever want more from you than this.

But I refuse to hang around and wait for you.

I will chase my dreams, rise above my circumstances

and learn to finally live in bliss.

You will not dictate my identity or my life.

And I will not tolerate this hatred and strife.

You have tried to rule me in the past,

But I won’t let you take more of me.

Your pathetic efforts to destroy me will never last.