Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion. I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

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Pensive_Panda

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2 years ago

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Touché

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The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

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Pensive_Panda

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2 years ago

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Ha!

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Coffee beans have successful marriages because they keep each other grounded.

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You do realize that vampires aren’t real. Unless you Count Dracula.

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Pensive_Panda

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2 years ago

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I see what you did there...

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What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause!

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Why did the barber win the race?

Because he took a shortcut.

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*Displayname*=idk

*Displayname*=idk

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2 years ago

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I got a hair cut today! Three inches shorter! So from my waist to mid back almost. :) I wanted to buy their special shampoo/conditioner. It smelt so good, and my hair felt so soft 🥺

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The person who invented the door knock won the Nobel Prize.

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Aunt Riarch

Aunt Riarch

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2 years ago

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Oh dear. Took me far too long

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Money doesn't grow on trees, right?

So why does every bank have so many branches?

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Serenity Now!

Serenity Now!

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2 years ago

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But...but...there's a store named "The Dollar Tree".

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Somebody stole all my lamps.

I couldn't be more delighted!

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What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You're under a vest!

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dxisy xo

dxisy xo

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2 years ago

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😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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I bought an Impressionist painting, but my cat scratched it.

So I'm now selling it on, as a clawed Monet!

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37 consonants, 25 vowels, a question mark, and a comma went to court.

They will be sentenced next Friday!

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Mike_The_Nike (He They)

Mike_The_Nike (He They)

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1 year ago

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i don’t get it

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Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

Because he was always spotted.

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What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.

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YouKiddingMe

YouKiddingMe

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2 years ago

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This is not funny to a Spanish speaker as it only means "4-5" and is seen as being spelled wrong.

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Why are horses better than other animals?

Because they’re very stable.

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What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

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Mike_The_Nike (He They)

Mike_The_Nike (He They)

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1 year ago

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or a full parrot

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Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

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What do you call someone wearing a belt with a watch attached to it?

A waist of time!

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Why did the introvert become an astronaut?

She needed her space.

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How do you put a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

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What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

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The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.

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A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

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How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards!

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I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green!

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You're becoming a vegetarian?

I think that's a big missed steak!

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Why don't teddy bears ever order dessert?

Because they're always stuffed!

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What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper?

Ruff!

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What starts with E, ends with E, and has only one letter in it?

An envelope!

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Members of the archery club sometime meet at the cheese shop.

Just to shoot the Bries!

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When does a dad joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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Why didn’t the man get a brain transplant?

Because he changed his mind.

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If you hear it from the horse's mouth, you're listening to a neigh-sayer.

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SourQueen

SourQueen

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1 year ago

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🤦

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If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

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I got fired from the candle factory because I refused to work wick ends!

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Jokes about teachers on summer break are not funny.

They're just not working!

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lisa m

lisa m

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1 month ago

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March break, Christmas break, professional development days "what a joke" Stat holidays, sick days.....they're just not working.....Teachers in Canada get paid amazing amounts of money, have the richest pension and wow

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What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

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Why did Shakespeare only write using pens? Pencils confused him. 2B or not 2B.

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My wife said my wordplay is average. That's mean.

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It's hard to know which bug to vote for, but I'm choosing the lesser of two weevils.

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Serenity Now!

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2 years ago

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You must always vote for the "Beatle". :D

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Spiders are great Internet consultants. They're always finding bugs in the web.

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A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

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Serenity Now!

Serenity Now!

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2 years ago

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But WHY did the chicken cross the road???

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An angry bird landed on a doorknob. Then it flew off the handle.

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Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage?

He always fears the Wurst.

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My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving!

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Cal the dragon! (She/they)

Cal the dragon! (She/they)

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1 year ago

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Gravity Falls!

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I read a book about World War II that was only four pages long.

It was Abridged Too Far!

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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

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Cat Dragon

Cat Dragon

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7 months ago

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Time flies: nomnomnom arrow of time nomnomnnom

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What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A literalist takes things literally.
A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

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Why do they put fences around graveyards?

Because people are dying to get in.

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Why are books about anti-gravity so great?

Because they’re impossible to put down.

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When a vulture flies, he takes carrion luggage.

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I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused, saying that the steaks were too high.

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Why was the clumsy farmer a great DJ?

Because he was always dropping beets.

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Why do pirates want to sing soprano?

So they can live in the high C's.

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Simba was walking so slowly I told him to Mufasa.

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Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral.

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Do you know the soul singer Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in a vineyard?

He'd herd it through the grapevine!

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I call toilets "the Jim" instead of "the John."

So I can tell people, "I visit the Jim several times a day!"

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Aunt Riarch

Aunt Riarch

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2 years ago

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And lose weight in there....

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What does a grape say after it's stepped on?

Nothing. It just lets out a little wine!

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

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What do computers snack on?

Microchips!

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Why did the pig leave the party early?

Because everyone thought he was a boar!

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I've been having insomnia, so I've started sleeping in our fireplace.

Now I sleep like a log!

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I once worked in a bank…

But then I lost interest!

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A friend's dog swallowed a few coins.

He's keeping his eye on it, but says there's no change yet!

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I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there!

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My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up. But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.

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It’s not a dad bod—it’s a father figure!

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Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

He wanted cold hard cash.

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Why shouldn’t you spell ‘part’ backwards?

Because it’s a trap.

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What happened to the man who accidentally swallowed food coloring?

He dyed a little inside.

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On the surface of things, whales are always blowing it.

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It's no fun telling jokes to cattle; they've herd it all.

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Don't trust a Great Dane to tell you the truth — all they have are tall tails.

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When a new hive is done, bees have a house-swarming party.

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Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de-tail.

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Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.

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I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.

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A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but toucan play at that game.

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Donna Mann

Donna Mann

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2 years ago

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Just talk turkey, bird games are fowl.

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A courtroom artist was arrested today. The details are sketchy.

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Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.

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Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.

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I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

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I found a rock which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.

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I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but my plans were foiled.

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Some clown opened the door for me this morning. That was a nice jester.

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I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they’re just chilling.

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Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.

But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer!

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I dig, you dig, she dig, we dig, you dig.

The poem may not be beautiful, but it's certainly very deep!

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Why did the tea break up with her older coffee boyfriend?

He was so cold and bitter.

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eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.

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I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… it was just collecting dust.

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I used to build stairs for a living. Business was up and down.

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I Googled "how to start a wildfire".

I got 48,500 matches!

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything's fine. He woke up. But, according to your kid, they pay attention in school!

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I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party.

But my plans were foiled!

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When you get depressed in the middle of winter, just chuck some butter from your window.

You'll see a butterfly!

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Did you hear about the guy who broke his left arm and leg?

He's all right now!

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Three guys walk into a bar.

They all said, ouch!

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What do you say to a drunk who walks into a bar with jumper cables?

"You can stay. Just don't try to start anything!"

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I'd love to know how the Earth rotates.

It would totally make my day!

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An English teacher asked a student to name two pronouns.

The student answered, "Who, me?"

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What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.

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What do you call a nocturnal insect that knows just the right word?

Le moth juste.

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What kept the polecat reporter busy all day? Ferreting out details.

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What’s a cicada’s favorite beverage?

Well, it’s gotta be seasonally brood.

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What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

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What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

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What did the man say after being overcharged for velcro?

What a rip off!

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Why should you never try to eat a clock?

Because it’s very time-consuming.

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I can't tell if this fish is lying, she's being so koi.

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It's raining cats and dogs, so don't step in a poodle!

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Insects that make honey are always on their best beehive-iour.

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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

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Aunt Riarch

Aunt Riarch

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2 years ago

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Ouch

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Why are people who carry bees considered good-looking?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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Why do male ants float while female ants sink?

They're buoy-ant.

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It's amazing how eagles catch their prey; they must be really talon-ted.

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I don't like this pizza very much. There's mushroom for improvement.

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Why can’t you lie to the x-ray tech?

They can see right through you.

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I used to disapprove of organ transplants, but now I've had a change of heart.

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I’m a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

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Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you’ll hear some crosswords.

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What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

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I recently heard about a mannequin that lost all of his friends. He was too clothes minded.

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I was at a climbing center the other day, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. You couldn’t make it up!

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No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

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