I'm on the Autism spectrum and I see a lot of flags here. And the tantrums lead me to believe that he hasn't learned the skills that most of us get growing up- emotional regulation. I hope he gets the help he needs.

Schizophrenia? nah, I have schizophrenia and I aint that picky. Sounds like Autism food aversion, and he'll only eat what he's comfortable with. I also am autistic and was like this as a child, would only eat the same around 3 or 4 different meals over and over, but I had therapy and such and saw a dietician, now I'll eat all sorts. The tantrum throwing over not getting his way also screams "autism" to me. (another thing therapy helped me a lot with emotional regulation) But he still needs to learn that tantrums don't get him what he wants, and I feel like the parents are enabling the behaviour. OP definitely is NTA, brother is kinda the AH but parents are probably the biggest AH here for enabling the brother, who may benefit from psychiatric help and possibly a dietician.

I don't understand why the in-laws don't pick up food for their son before they go to someone's home

I may be a jerk for saying this, but spectrum issues or not, it's OP's house and he doesn't have to put up with that sh*t. I had a neighbor with an Autistic kid and I wouldn't let him in my house anymore - he had tantrums, broke things, threw an ashtray (it was a long time ago) and put a huge dent in the wall. I felt bad for his Mom because she obviously didn't really know how to deal with it, but it wasn't my problem to solve.

I got one of these guys in my husbands side of the family. Until the parents put their feet down an either kick him out or cut him off from everyone he tries to get away with the c**p he continues to do it. There's nothing wrong w my nephew in law. He's an entitled pos. Simple as that. No discipline growing up. Still yells an throws fits. He's mid 30s an no one wants him around. He lives at home w his parents. Mooching all the time. Big computer gaming dork that plays online vs small children. Gets bans constantly for language and trying to trick kids into getting parents credit cards to pay for stuff in the game to him. He doesn't work. Doesn't buy anything. Has a kid he basically has his mom raise for him. And going out to eat? We don't want him around. He's not allowed booze because he gets even more belligerent to staff an family. More than once he's been escorted out and brought home because he can't behave. Which ruins it for the whole family. Cut this guy off and say bye.

Mom of 3. Two of my kids are on the autism spectrum. They are adults now. These behaviors screamed autism to me. Sensory issues. Stop catering to him. His parents should have investigated all these concerns far earlier, but it's not too late, and we can't critique because we don't know the backstory in why they didn't. The behaviors are just ingrained now, which will be 120x harder to undo. It's got to be tough love from this point forward. "This is what we are having for dinner. You can choose to stay home alone or come but tantrums and refusals are not allowed...what do you want to choose? It's your choice" Give him choices. You probably aren't going to convince the parents to start the hard tough love approach, but you can control to work it or not. He sounds incredibly immature. Could be the weed stunted his maturity at the age the drugs were begun. Meaning if he started weed at 14, he could have the mentality of a 14 year. Good luck.

I don't understand. At 20 years old, why is he not getting his own food and bringing it with him? He should be managing his own food issues. Something is wrong, either he's developmentally delayed, or has autism, and the parents are not doing him any favors by ignoring this. He needs help!

I think it's fair to say this guy might have some undiagnosed issues that could do with a resolution; however, the fact this BIL has not been taught to handle these issues in a grown up way makes me think he and his parents are the A's. It's one thing to have sensory issues and associated difficulties, but to throw tantrums like that at that age is not okay.

Don't want to be a b***h, but Autism runs in a family, schizophrenia either. Better research before having kids.

Goodness what a nightmare. This man is now a 20 year-old non-functioning adult without a diagnosis of whatever it is that causes his unreasonable behaviours. What are the parents going to do with him when he gets older? Does he work or do they still support him, buying him that marijauna? If he is actually autistic, they did him no favours not getting him tested and into some kind of treatment to help him live in this crazy world, where most of us have a difficult enough time. He wouldn’t be eligible for any kind of insurance coverage now, presumably not being a student. Is he lost? That’s very sad. No one will want to be around him if he ruins family get-togethers with his nonsense, which is just going to escalate.

I think NTA and normally I'd be on the OP for the attitude towards picky eaters - I hope he learns better, but J needs help and such too, can't keep having meltdowns, sometimes life happens. I really hope he gets evaluated, maybe some therapy too. It won't fix the food issue but it can help J with his emotions.

"award-winning nutritionist and mindset coach based in London, UK. Daniel has been in clinical practice for over ten years and is the author of Naked Nutrition: An LGBTQ+ Guide to Diet & Lifestyle", This is how an article turns into a lame a*s joke. Next time try to use an award winning toilet seat as your professional opinion source.

NTA. He might be on the spectrum, but the enabling of his family for years and his incessant smoking weed, surely have exasperated the problem. When you are enabled for so long, that is a problem. It is an addicts best trick, to get everyone to jump, when their needs are not met and he is playing his family like a fine tuned instrument. He may have some mental issues, but the long term drug addiction and enabling by loved ones, is a much bigger problem. Choking it all up to "being on the spectrum", is another form of enabling. There is more going on and he definitely needs help.

There's no way that this kid isn't on the spectrum. No way in hell. And he doesn't sound like he has a lot of people who understand on either side. And yes, 20's a kid. Way too many people go by the government's idiotic and arbitrary deadline(which only exists so they can start using you as soon as possible).

I'd anonymously report his parents to social services for medical neglect or something. But first try to get him, preferably out of state, in a program that can get him diagnosed. Work on his behaviour & teach him everything he needs to know to function. That then places him in a group home with lots of support. Not to mention therapy. There's something seriously wrong with him & he's going to end up in the state psychiatric system. Where they'll probably fail him & who knows where he'll end up. It's better to contact resources now. Also he's now an adult so while probably not possible you could get him to sign himself in. Also he NEEDS to be tested for Autism & a psychiatric ward won't necessarily do that. They're only there to get him well enough to hopefully safely go home.

Why the Sam Hill does it have to be Pizza Hut. It's no better than Little Caesar's, what with so few toppings from which to choose. Even frozen pizza from the grocery store is better.

OP is NTA. The in-laws sure are, though. Denying that their kid has neurological issues will entirely cripple his potential as an adult. It's neglectful and abusive. I'm on the spectrum and get the food texture issues, though I haven't thrown a tantrum since I was 2 and I was diagnosed at age 40. The tantrum thing is odd, even for ASD. Usually by adulthood, unless the individual has fairly severe intellectual disabilities as part of their condition, even those of us with undiagnosed ASD have learned basic emotional regulation as a matter of social survival. That level of meltdown over food is not common for someone who appears to be otherwise a basically functioning adult, unless he has intellectual disabilities OP doesn't see. He's right at the age where schizophrenia often manifests in males, and his weed could be self-medicating. ASD and shizophrenia can be comorbid. Anyhow, J needs a good psychiatrist who will work with him over time to get a proper picture of what's wrong.

What kind of parents even allow this behavior to happen. Or to not investigate to see if something medically is wrong with him?

It is a pity, that you cannot count on someone who gets to a hospital of a kind being sorted out for problems that might have caused the person to get into a hospital in the first place.

Omg, I'm on the ASD spectrum and have really bad sensory issues with food and clothing but, man... just the thought of throwing a temper tantrum because of not getting the food I want? I can't even fathom doing such a thing. But, on the other hand, he could be on the spectrum and have it more severely than I do. A lot of people can go undiagnosed well into adulthood so he might not know and just doesn't know any healthy ways of dealing with things like not having the food he wants. Still though, I don't think OP is the AH here. It's their home and J is an adult. OP definitely had the right to ask him not to come over.

Your BIL needs help. Smoking aside his behavior is not normal. I hope by this time he has gotten help. Many people in our family including my dear husband of 36 years have food allergies. Me, I’ll admit I’m a picky eater. I have some stuff I flat do not like. I do not throw myself down and throw a fit. In our family we often have giant family get together meals, we check the menu beforehand and if it is not dietary appropriate, we bring something that the person can eat. Again, these are serious food allergies, not for instance in my case I simply don’t like a lot of something. I won’t get angry, I’ll act gracious and find something else. I certainly do not make a big deal about ordering out, nor do I act like a brat if the order is incorrect. Your BIL needs psychiatric evaluation for what’s going on. He is self medicating which is possibly exasperating his issue too. Marajuana is a downer and most likely contributing to his mood swings.

YNTA. Your Dad is an idiot for thinking you should cater to BIL after numerous warnings regarding his behavior. Even IF (and that's a big if) this man child is autistic he needs to learn basic manners and social skills. Sounds like he is just basically a spoiled entitled brat. Your in-laws are not doing him any favors by continuing to cave to his behavior. Stand your ground, you, your wife or any other guests do not have to put up with his c**p!

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F**k this bag of broken chromosomes. I don't care if he's "on the spectrum". He should have been trained up a long time ago. If he won't eat, let him go hungry until he gets the message. If he won't behave, have him arrested if he comes near your home. Stand your ground; you are right on this one.

Studying/majoring in psychology and yea seems like he is on the autism spectrum i dont think its schizophrenia but he seems VERY particular on foods n routines which checks out. The fact the parents cater to this rather than try n break him of it also doesnt help (nor does not getting tests done) by 20 sadly there isnt much they can do now as his habits have been treated as fine so there minimal chance he will change by now...NTA for not approving his behavior but sadly he wont learn to behave :/

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Something is not ok with this person. They need to see a doctor.

I have always been a picky eater and not by choice. I have issues with textures, tastes and smells. If my mouth hates it, I gag and throw it up. I have tried to eat certain things to no avail. Lots of food looks good and I try to eat it but nope, can't. I am never rude or throw a fit, though. I'd rather just not eat than cause someone issues.

I sure hope he has been involuntarily committed so authorities can remove any guns

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