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Someone Asks People Who Got Married Without A Big Wedding If They Would Do Something Different And They Deliver 30 Honest Responses
Interview
While the vast majority of weddings had to be modified in some capacity due to COVID-19 (96%), the good news is that for nearly 93% of engaged couples, the pandemic didn’t cancel their wedding celebrations, showed a new study from The Knot. That means that amid all the chaos and uncertainty, most people still find a way to say I Do to each other.
But those who married before the global health crisis hit, when the world was free of restrictions, had a chance to have a wedding as lavish, extravagant, and huge as they wanted to. Some, however, chose a more minimalistic approach to their weddings and tied the knot in small, symbolic gatherings.
So now the people who didn’t opt for a big wedding share if they regretted their decision and what they’d do differently, if they could. Scroll down through their honest responses shared in this r/AskReddit thread, and be sure to share your thoughts in the comments below!
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#1
My husband and I eloped in our hometown. My sister was the witness and we had a pool party with our immediate families afterwards. We got take out and cupcakes and wine. It was a fantastic day and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
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#2
Wife and I spent less than a thousand all in (her dress, the rings, dinner for the immediate family, favorite aunt married us on the beach for free at sunset) and bought a small house instead of having a large service and reception that neither of us wanted. Had a lot more fun doing that than attending any of my cousins (or siblings) fancy wedding extravaganzas that dumped them or their parents into a massive amount of debt.
#3
Absolutely no regrets. You always have the option to do the party/celebration for your anniversary/vows renewal etc down the line. We never felt the need though. Spend your money on something else forget the pomp of a big wedding. It's a disgusting industry in my opinion. My pair of pennies anyway.
To find out what an expert has to say about planning small weddings and what are their upsides, Bored Panda reached out to Rhiann Janak, a professional wedding planner and CEO of Lucy Till French Weddings. First off, Rhiann assured us that a small wedding can still be as lavish as a big one.
She also said that more and more people are opting for small weddings these days. “A large portion of our weddings for next year are 60 guests or less. For 2023, the inquiries I am receiving are back up to the 100 pax guest list, but it's quite rare to hear of 150+ weddings among my clientele,” she said about this new trend.
#4
I’ve had a big formal wedding and a small courthouse wedding. My personal opinion, the big wedding was a huge hassle. My parents took out loans to pay for it and they were in debt for a few years. There was a lot of pressure to do it all ‘right’ - fancy invitations, rehearsal dinner, expensive dress, catered meal, open bar, big cake, flowers everywhere (and my MIL got into a fight with the florist over the bill). It was exhausting and not fun.
My second wedding was at the courthouse with 2 friends and a couple family members then we had a cookout/bon fire party in our back yard. It was awesome. We spent $15 on some basic invitations that specified ‘no gifts, just come celebrate with us.’ My new MIL bought a random cake at Walmart that ended up being ammo for a food fight, we grilled steaks and chicken, provided a big cooler of beer and soda but most people brought their own beverages. No pressure. No stressing over centerpieces or wearing pinchy shoes. Was it trashy? YES. But it cost about $150 and everyone had a great time.
More importantly, I knew right away that the first marriage was a mistake but was ashamed to back out after everyone involved put so much into it. The second wedding was us being ourselves with our real friends and we are still happily together 13 years later.
#5
My wife and I are so glad that we had a small wedding (cost us about $700 total) and it was perfect.
My brother's brother-in-law paid $30,000 for his own wedding and she left him in less than year (and they had been together a really long time before that). The only people who really benefit from large weddings are the people making money off of them. Keep it small.
#6
Had ours at a BnB. Parents, Siblings, and grandparents...so like 10 total people. We had a 2 week honeymoon in Clearwater, good down payment on a home, and got 2 kittens immediately after.
No drama, no debt
Rhiann explained that the upsides of a small wedding are “having the budget to put towards the premium personalization of their wedding, or the extension of their wedding to include more activities for the guests, more days of celebration, and top-rate suppliers,” she said and added “What's not to love about that?”
One reason why people opt for smaller weddings may be that more and more couples are paying for their own weddings, hence the pressure to invite parents' friends is off, the wedding planner explained. “Some have been through a lot with covid, and haven't had much choice or have taken the opportunity to reduce their guest list for the more intimate wedding they had always dreamed of."
#7
I think big weddings are a huge waste of money. My husband and I decided to get married on Thursday and got married on Saturday. Just immediate family and a couple of close friends. Never regretted it. Been married 41 years.
#8
My ex wife and I got married in the back yard of Paul Walker's Uncles house. It was by far the biggest house I have ever seen. We had the music playing while she came down the isle, flower girl, best man, maid of honor, everything. Well she ended up cheating on me with her boss 6 years later and I heard from other people she had not been faithful for our entire marriage.
When I remarried we did it in the courthouse. We took pictures and went to dinner with her family. Yes, it was not as fancy, but we both agreed that we would put all our efforts into a beautiful honeymoon.
I guess what I am trying to say is that it does not matter or should not matter where you get married. What does matter is who you are getting married to.
#9
We were kids (18 & 21) so we had no money to throw a big party even if we wanted to but we loved our wedding. We invited people that are still in our lives and got to spend quality time with every single one of them during the party. No drama, no drunk uncles, 5 years later everybody still laughs and reminisces.
Really no hate or judgement towards people who had/are having a bigger event. My brother had a big wedding and we had so much fun! Just stay true to yourselves - it's a day that you - and not cranky aunt Hilda - will remember for the rest of your lives!
When asked if her clients ever regret not having a bigger and more lavish wedding, Rhiann said: “never say never, but my clients who've eloped or spent incredible weekends celebrating their love with their nearest and dearest have always come back to say they wouldn't have wanted it any other way.”
“I would say the thing couples worry most about prior to a short-list wedding is having the ambiance for the dance party. I say, let's make a cozy and dreamy setting for your guests to completely relax in and book premium entertainment to make a party no one can resist,” the wedding planner said. “Believe me, dance parties always consist of that one core group of non-stop dancing friends anyway!” Rhiann concluded.
#10
Waited over a decade to get married. Covid let us get married over zoom without dealing with the messy logistics of an in person wedding. Also a lot cheaper. Covid is a great excuse for people that want small or non existent reception.
#11
I've been with my wife for 21 years and we've been married 14. We had a Courthouse wedding with her mom and my dad. After the ceremony we went to lunch at my wife's favorite restaurant and then went back home to our apartment. All together the whole thing cost maybe $200 with license and judge. And nobody in either family (she's an immigrant so her family here is fairly small) really cared. I hadn't really seen any of my extended family in years prior so I really had no idea how to contact them about a wedding anyway.
After all this time together me and the wife never once regretted not going through the hassle and expense of a big wedding. We both see it sort of pointless but not necessarily bad. If someone wants a big wedding then good for them. If someone doesn't the same sentiment exists: good for them.
Agnes Ricciotti 3 years ago
Married at City Hall with immediate family on both sides only, lovely dinner with same bunch that my dad paid for. Our 35th anniversary is in a month and we're still in love as much now as then. It's your day so do what makes you happy, prioritize and go with it!
#12
My husband and I eloped in Scotland and then spent a week in the highlands for our honeymoon. It was probably the happiest week of my life. Our only witnesses were our photographer and her partner.
#13
My wife and I went on a trip and got married at a resort destination just me and her. We both didn't want the huge formality of a wedding day and the cost as well. Not to say we didn't have gatherings. We had a big party at our place prior to the trip.
Then we hired out a few tables and a side room at a fav local restaurant and had a big dinner with my extended family. Finally as part of the trip we went back to visit her family and relatives overseas and had a similar dinner/gathering. We did a rough calculation and the cost of a big wedding was more expensive as the big trip and the x3 dinners.
Ppl from both sides of the family seemed happy as they didn't have to spend a whole evening at a reception and/or attend an afternoon ceremony. A lot of our friends seemed happy either way, appreciated the casual party at our place and didn't feel the need to get all dressed up. Also the trip was basically our honeymoon.
#14
I had a big wedding a few years ago and did not enjoy it. My brother in law, on the other hand, had a small wedding due to covid and it was so calm and beautiful. Looking back I wish I would've had a smaller one.
#15
Not what you asked but, I wanted a small wedding. Just immediate family and a couple friends at my parents' home with a BBQ and water fun after. My mother insisted on the big deal. I hated it. The day was a torture for me. I regret giving in every time I think about it. The only part I am glad for is that I got married. I don't have any wonderful memories of the day itself. I let my daughter have my wedding dress for a costume. It brought me more joy at Halloween than it did on my wedding day.
#16
We paid about 2 grand total for our wedding, we married in a tiny little registry office which was nice and clean and the lady who married us was lovely, it wasn't a big venue but it was big enough for our close family and friends. We rented the suits and that was the most expensive item, we got the bridesmaids dresses online for cheap, they all looked really nice and my wife looked lovely, her dress was second hand from eBay.
We found a bus museum and hired an old London bus for an hour to drive the people from the wedding to the party. We didn't have a reception and a sit down meal, instead we booked a local club that had a nice big room, we got a family friend to do a buffet for all the guests.
It was a really great day, the wedding was nice, my wife was happy, lots of our friends and family attended, there was plenty of food and the drinks were cheap at the bar in the club we picked, I couldn't have been happier with how it turned out.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago (edited)
“The Perfect Wedding” is different for everyone. That’s what’s great about the two of you being able to choose for yourselves. Parents, butt out of your kid’s wedding. A lack of pretentious isn’t a bad thing—-that’s why they say an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure. Just be happy they found someone really wonderful, and they’re both smart enough to know that the marriage is a zillion times more important than the wedding. If you’re just itching to get out the checkbook, then write them a check large enough to put a down payment on a house. Or a houseful of furniture. Or a kick-ass honeymoon. Or some solid investments in both their names.
#17
Small wedding is great. Got married with about 40 people. All close family and friends. We went to a wedding two months before with 150 people. Terrible. Way too big overblown and crazy expensive. A small wedding is great, and the day after you’re still just as married as you would have been if you spent thousands more.
#18
Let me give you the other side... me and wifey wanted to get a simple marriage ceremony. Either of us didnt have much money saved.
Our families overrode that..what happened was a 5 day fiesta that fed and entertained about 800 of our combined extended family, post which we didnt have anything left, my sisters put in more money than i would have earned in an year, her father had to take a loan for their side.
So the toll of this 5 day extravaganza was about 3 years worth of salary.
Till this day i wish we could have used a fraction of that money (literally 10%), it would have gone a long way in helping us settle.
Specially as that was just before Covid 19 f**ked the economy
#19
This question really interests me because me and my fiancé are getting married next February and we've actually gone from "big party" to "small gathering of intimate people" since we first started planning it. Mostly because neither of us is exactly "social". He's an introvert and the idea of a big party with people who we rarely see slowly became nauseating to us. I mean.
The wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love with the people who actually know and cherish the couple. Not a "show off" event. I come from a deeply traditional family with big weddings and this has been a topic of "discussion" lately. So knowing how you guys feel after is actually helping. Thank you! :) Edited to correct spelling
Kate Anderson 3 years ago
I am engaged currently and have no desire for a big wedding. I've never had the visions as a little girl what my wedding day would look like. I've always cringed when I hear how much ppl spend on weddings. To each their own. I personally spending that kinda money when I have life goals just doesn't seem logical. I also have narcolepsy type 2 and I honestly don't think I'd survive my day. I'd need to take breaks for naps and that just doesn't seem like it would work out well for me. We will be eloping. Im down to the point of it being a random day. I like the idea of not planning a specific day but making it spontaneous like.... We do have 2 places we want to marry. Horseshoe bend in grand canyon or temple in the sky AZ. But elope style. I have no desire to put on a show for others.
#20
I eloped abroad with only two witnesses (one who married us and his girlfriend) we had a fantastic time walking around a new city, exchanged vows in the park and were already at our honeymoon destination.
Had a fantastic week, saved a ton, had a reception thrown by parents. No stress, no overwhelming attention, just a sharing of vows by two people which we felt was what was necessary. Hit ten years a week ago.
Brandon Marlowe 3 years ago
Congratulations on the 10 year mark. Hope you enjoy many, many more.
#21
We got married 6 years ago. We had a smallish outdoor wedding. It was absolutely the better choice, and my husband and I will always feel this way. The only thing we regret is inviting the judgemental family members who made snide comments about the secular and non-traditional nature of our wedding.
#22
It's not even about the money. It's the time, energy, aggravation, and general PITA of organizing a wedding. Her family lives here on an island in the Atlantic, my family is far away, what time of year are we going to do this, what venue, who likes eating what, can't do it on that day cause Aunt F**k Face is busy, can't have it here because Uncle Dirt Bag doesn't like to travel, what will you mom thing if he doesn't show, who gets to sit here, did you find someone to make a cake, what about all those looser relatives that you only met once in your life, what kind of religious bull do you want.
Blah blah blah blah, all stuff I don't give a [damn] about. I've got better things to do with my time than to show off, be nice to, impress, and worry about others. $75 and married with two witness in front of a Justice of the Peace. To be fair to everyone no one was allowed to attend.
What did we do with all the money we saved? Well, we travelled to some interesting countries, down payment on a house, and I didn't have to sell my nice car. After telling people of what they did they usually say, 'that makes total sense, I wish I had done that'. 0 regrets. But maybe I am jaded in life.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
I worked with a girl who wanted, and had, a big, pretentious wedding. Even invited her bosses. She never socialized with her bosses, so it was 100% a political move. Last I heard, she was still in the same position, so I’m guessing the bosses saw right through her attempt to brown nose them.
#23
As a consistent guest to weddings, I can happily say that the best and most memorable weddings for me are the smaller affairs. While I get the reasoning behind larger weddings, they seem to be more narcissistic affairs that either pay little heed to the celebration that involves the union of two people, or are affairs that have been pressured by other, narcissistic, members of the family.
Smaller affairs on the other hand, celebrate the family and friends you have chosen. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" if you will. I have always felt happier, and in response more loved, when invited to a smaller wedding. Plus the parties (and food) tend to be better due to the lack of gravitational entropic personalities!
#24
Me and the wife eloped to Gretna, just the two of us on a two day stay, came home and arranged the party two weeks later. Unfortunately it was the day before the first lockdown and only 45 folk turned up, we had a ball.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago (edited)
I love how many people still elope to Gretna Green, as people have for centuries. I mean, it’s a place that’s mentioned as part of the plot in so many classic novels and plays. Incredibly cool.
#25
I think my husband and I had around 15 people at our ceremony, afterwards we got to have a NICE sit down 3 course meal with everyone in a private dining room of a fancy hotel. THAT was beautiful, and it was just. everything we needed. THEN we came home and had a reception and it was the biggest waste of $ and time. I wish we had saved the money and just had another intimate sit down catered dinner with family and CLOSE friends.
None of this "acquaintanced" "Friend of a friend" etc. Granted everyone else said the reception was "so much fun", but both SO and I wanted to leave before it even started. OR I wish we had just saved the money from that and gone on a hot vacation, just the two of us.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
While the cotton boll bouquet is…interesting, I can’t say I’m very comfortable with the connotations it carries.
#26
My wife and I got married in the town we lived in when while she was in school. We didn't have much money and did everything for less than $5k. Because of the distance only a handful of people from her family came and it was mostly my parents, siblings, and extended family. If we were to do it again I'd either have it closer to home so more of her family could have attended or just invited fewer people overall.
The budget was fine, though we could have spent a little less and been perfectly happy. Honestly the whole day was a blur and I wouldn't have even noticed if half of my extended family who was there hadn't attended. Some out of town friends wanted to go out for drinks afterward but we were so tired we just went home and fell asleep around 10pm.
Kerri Hudson 3 years ago
At my wedding there were about 80 guests, 20 of which were our friends. The reception was at a posh restaurant. Only immediate family at the church. We were greeting the arrivals when one couple said "Oh, is the restaurant booked for tonight?" We didn't know most of the other guests, invited by my in-laws because they had been to the weddings of their children. Bit of a farce really.
#28
Not my experience, but some good friends had a small wedding then had a huge 25th wedding anniversary party. I was at the latter, not the former (didn't know them then). Small suited them 30 years ago; big suited them 5 years ago. If you're worried you'll regret not doing something bigger for your wedding, know that that isn't your last opportunity to have a big party celebrating your relationship.
This summer I went to a couple of medium-sized "first anniversary parties" for couples who had had very small weddings during the first summer of COVID.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
Nothing says you can’t renew your vows and have your big wedding a decade or so later—-when you can afford it, as opposed to starting out deep in debt.
#29
We spent our days with our loved ones. Immediate family for the wedding. Small parties of family/friends in our respective home cities to minimize travel for people, and we honestly got to see more people who we wanted to spend quality time with in a more intimate sense.
Then, we spent our money for ourselves. Took a trip and stayed in a cabin in the mountains of Tennessee. Then went to Thailand and China and had a wonderful trip. We got married for us, and had our celebrations for us. The wedding industry is such a predatory and money pit of an industry.
No disrespect for people who do it for work, but when you get married it should be about how you all want to celebrate your love and lives together. If it's a big wedding, have the best big wedding and the best day. That wasn't us and we don't regret our choices one bit.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago
I was never one of those little girls who planned my fantasy wedding, drooled over Brides magazine, and begged to get every Barbie wedding dress for Christmas. I was the little girl who read books and saw movies where couples eloped, and liked the privacy in that. When I worked hotel front desks in my twenties, I saw how intrusive drunk friends and family can be once the bride and groom leave the reception and go up to the bridal suite. Can’t tell you how many times they tried to get the room number out of me. Of course I didn’t tell them. At one place I worked, I put the kibosh on any disclosed plans to knock on doors until they found the couple by warning them that hotel security is staffed with off-duty police, and that it would not end well for them. When we got married, my husband and I kept it very low key and private. No one bothered us on our honeymoon, because they had no idea where we were. Loved it.
#30
My husband and I got married at the JP. We don't regret it but I do wish I could've saw the look on my husband face when he saw me in a wedding dress.
What do you think ?
John Yaskowich 3 years ago
I was on a scuba diving trip with a group. We came back on the boat after a dive to see an “invitation” written on the whiteboard to a wedding that afternoon. The maid-of-honour was picked because she happened to have packed a dress, the best “man” was the groom’s (female) dive buddy (“if I can depend on you underwater, I can depend on you at my wedding”). I wore my best Hawaiian shirt, others were in t-shirt and shorts. The venue was a shaded area on the beach, the aisle was outlined in seashells. Beautiful ceremony and a fun beach party afterwards. Then more diving the next day.
NoneYa41 3 years ago
People should have whatever kind of wedding they want. I've been to small weddings that were awesome...same with big ones. We had a big one because we were bringing together two families and two cultures and most of the people we invited hadn't seen each other in over 10 years. We wanted a big party and we had one and it was a blast.
Keating_5 3 years ago
Same! I get why people rag on big weddings but honestly we knew we wanted a big party reception because our families are but and we hadn’t seen a lot of them in a while! We cut a lot of costs (got labor and supplies from family/friends, DIY a lot of things) so it wasn’t too expensive, and we really did have fun. And it was right before COVID hit so that 2 years later, people still say it’s the most fun wedding ever. We’re also still very much in love and stronger from COVID times actually so maybe we’re just weird :)
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John Yaskowich 3 years ago
I was on a scuba diving trip with a group. We came back on the boat after a dive to see an “invitation” written on the whiteboard to a wedding that afternoon. The maid-of-honour was picked because she happened to have packed a dress, the best “man” was the groom’s (female) dive buddy (“if I can depend on you underwater, I can depend on you at my wedding”). I wore my best Hawaiian shirt, others were in t-shirt and shorts. The venue was a shaded area on the beach, the aisle was outlined in seashells. Beautiful ceremony and a fun beach party afterwards. Then more diving the next day.
NoneYa41 3 years ago
People should have whatever kind of wedding they want. I've been to small weddings that were awesome...same with big ones. We had a big one because we were bringing together two families and two cultures and most of the people we invited hadn't seen each other in over 10 years. We wanted a big party and we had one and it was a blast.
Keating_5 3 years ago
Same! I get why people rag on big weddings but honestly we knew we wanted a big party reception because our families are but and we hadn’t seen a lot of them in a while! We cut a lot of costs (got labor and supplies from family/friends, DIY a lot of things) so it wasn’t too expensive, and we really did have fun. And it was right before COVID hit so that 2 years later, people still say it’s the most fun wedding ever. We’re also still very much in love and stronger from COVID times actually so maybe we’re just weird :)
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