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40 Scandalous Things People Learned About Their Families Due To Secret-Spilling Sessions
Interview With Expert
Halloween might be over but it seems the skeletons aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. They’re all creeping out of the closet, as people dust off their deep, dark family secrets and share them in all their shameless glory.
Someone recently asked, "What family secret or hidden backstory were you finally let in on when you were old enough?" And the internet went wild. The post clocked over 1,600 comments, and some very curious onlookers. From affairs that helped avoid “inbreeding”, grandfathers giving women the “heavy breath treatment”, and some serious criminal activity, people did not holding back.
Grab the popcorn and keep scrolling for an inquisitive look into the lives of those who had big things to hide. Upvote your favorites, and feel free to share some of your own dirty little secrets in the comments below. Don't miss the chat Bored Panda had with Clémence Scouten, an expert when it comes to sharing family secrets. Scouten is the founder of Memoirs & More, a boutique personal history firm that helps people tell their stories and leave a legacy.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
My father's side of the family had "the help" all the way up until the 70s or so.
Their family employed a black woman who resided in a separate part of the home, did almost all the cooking, cleaning, babysat my father and his siblings, etc.
But she was not permitted to eat at the same time as my father's family - to say the least. There was an extremely small room off the kitchen she was allowed to eat in by herself after the family had finished their meal.
With that said - after my grandparents passed away, my father allocated a portion of his inheritance to her so she would no longer have to work. It wasn't living lavishly or anything - but it was enough to get by. He also insisted absolutely that she be included on family events like holidays and birthdays, because she was also family. I grew up viewing her as like a great aunt.
It’s not unusual for families to have secrets. And skeletons come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s a little white lie that remains hidden but other times, the secret is big enough to tear relatives apart. According to PsychCentral, the secrets families are most likely to hide involve finances, serious health issues, death, and impending divorce.
“Filling in the missing puzzle pieces of a family’s history, current or past, is an adult responsibility and one that should not be taken lightly," reads the site. "All of us long to feel whole, to understand why we are the way we are. Secrets that fester, unspoken and misunderstood, can erode the very foundation of a family, sometimes beyond repair.”
“The meaning of ‘secret’ varies depending on the person,” said Clémence Scouten during our chat. “A family may discover they have a relative they didn't know (i.e. a parent had an affair and there's an unknown half sibling out there) and think it's great and no reason for that to be a secret. Another family may feel that is a secret to be guarded at all costs. It all comes down to what you as an individual care about.”
Scouten founded Memoirs & More in 2016 in a bid to help people preserve and share their family history. Since then, she's assisted many to gently and tactfully tell others about chapters of their lives that previously remained hidden. So we found it fitting to reach out to Scouten for some tips on how to handle the proverbial skeletons in the closet.
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#2
My grandmother left my granddad and she got pregnant. Her lover dumped her.
My grandfather took her back along with the baby. They had two kids together after that.
He always treated her son the same as their two kids.
I didn't learn any of this until my 50s.
#3
My great grand dad was adopted by a mixed race baptist deacon who was also local postmaster. Significant because we took his name. Doubly hilarious because most of the older part of the family was super racist while carrying that dude's name. When I found his death certificate, with the proof, my dad lost his mind. My aunts lost they minds. I was chuckling way under my breath.
We were curious to know what the most common family secrets are. So we asked Scouten. "The sort of information a person might consider taboo includes: first cousins who married, second cousins who married, two brothers who married two sisters (not their own sisters! That's pretty unusual in what I see), finding a relative had been institutionalized (mental or criminal institution), finding out about unknown relatives," she said. But it didn't stop there.
"Discovering you were born AFTER your parents were married, discovering you have someone of another religion/race/ethnic group in your heritage, having ancestors who enslaved people, discovering a person was gay/an alcoholic/abusive/etc (not that those traits go together)," continued the expert, listing many of the stories featured here before even seeing them.
#4
My father came home from school one day when he was 12 years old and saw his mother being taken away in an ambulance and she passed that day. He never told us why or how. A few years ago I saw her death certificate and the cause was “self induced abortion.”.
Andrew Irish 1 month ago
We all know this is what happens where abortion access is denied. Those who are in power, taking these rights away know this. It has nothing whatsoever to do with protecting any life.
#5
My father's childhood. His mother was apparently hanging around sailors a lot, he didnt know his father, she sounds like a prostitute. He would sleep in a bed with his siblings, one day they woke up and the baby was dead.
His life was turned around when his grandmother, a force to be reckoned with, found out what was going on and took him away to live with her. He got a loving home, a good education and a start in his chosen career.
#6
I thought my Dad died of natural heart related problems over 13 years ago. I was 19. I'm 32 now and I just found out about a month ago his death was a intentional s****de by pills and alcohol, and they just didn't wanna tell me.
Weird side note: his funeral wishes were NOT respected. His mother, my grandma, pushed for a very catholic service and burial. My dad was atheist and always very clear he did not want a traditional religious funeral, he wanted to be cremated. He often made fun of religion and kept a flying spaghetti monster magnet on his fridge.. It has always just really bothered me someone's final wishes can be so ignored, even by loved ones.
It's safe to say you should give it some serious thought before blurting out your family secrets. If you do decide to go ahead, Scouten suggests you carefully consider the narrative. She also cautions that "you can't 'UN-know' what you know." Meaning some people might be better off not hearing or reading about the secrets you're so ready to share.
"If you have a sibling who cares about social norms, she may be very angry at you for divulging that you discovered you have [insert family secret]," explains Scouten. "You have in essence imposed information on your family member that they may not have wanted to know."
The expert also says it's best to seek professional advice if you come from a high-profile family and 'going public' will impact your family's brand or garner social media attention. "I'm a big believer in relationships. And family history is almost always a shared history, not just your own history," Scouten told Bored Panda. "Thus, taking into account the feelings and wishes of those around you is critical to me."
#7
My great grandpa was gay. His “best friend” was his lover. One day my great grandpa was supposed to be watching my mom because my grandma and great grandma were out doing something. They came home earlier than expected and found my grandpa and his “bestie” getting it on (my mom was in a separate room or something, she had no idea what was going on). All hell broke loose in my family and my great grandpa had to stop seeing his “friend”, though it’s suspected they still saw each other in secret. That unfortunately explained why my grandma is so homophobic. My mom told me this story after I came out to her. She was super supportive and not surprised at all, but she begged me not to tell my grandma.
Sensitive Issues 1 month ago
yea, my super homophobic family has many gay cousins who they love and support but absolutely voted to have killed by how they voted.
#8
My grandpa was a residential school survivor, I had no idea most of my childhood.
Tiger 1 month ago (edited)
I’ve spoken to quite a few residential school survivors, because I live in an area with a strong First Nations population. When I was a kid, there was an huge old closed residential school just down the street from a friend’s house. We never played there, because the building and the stories we’d heard from her aunties and uncles and grandparents scared the hell out of us. There was no playground, just a field and a graveyard behind it. It was a 3 story red brick building, abandoned and gave you goosebumps just to stand near it. Such a cruel and hateful chapter in Canada’s history (and the US). I’m so afraid it will happen again.
#9
I grew up Mennonite. My mother had at least 4 children by other men so there would be less inbreeding. I was 1 of them.
Mike F 1 month ago
In the broadest sense it could be viewed as inbreeding, but the fact is that because there is next to no diversity in the community gene pool it could be viewed that way. A county health department nurse explained it to me when I began to question the number of Amish we were transporting to the U of M hospital in Ann Arbor. She mentioned that there was sometimes only 6-7 families in each community (broader families) and that with no influx of outside individuals that meant that some things were beginning to manifest within the communities. The hospital was studying these "illnesses" to determine if any were reversible as the kids were having deafness or eyesight issues among other things. The Mennonite communities are much the same as the Amish. It's great that the mom got away with that.
Scouten also believes it's important to take historical context into account when dealing with family secrets. This story, for example, deals with cousins getting "cozy". And while that might give us the ick nowadays, it actually wasn’t too uncommon at a certain point in history.
“The reality was that communities were much, much smaller (especially outside of cities) and cousins marrying was not uncommon,” Scouten once wrote. Meanwhile, during our own interview, she revealed that she's heard of many cases involving cousins tying the knot. "I have seen everything except finding an unexpected race/ethnic group," said the expert. "Some people acknowledge it and move on, others acknowledge and make a big deal, others sugarcoat it, others ignore it altogether."
#10
When I was 26 my grandfather had a heart attack and passed away a few hours later without waking up. In all the family drama it came out that he wasn't my blood grandfather. He adopted my mother and aunt when they were very young after he got back from Korea.
It never changed how I felt about him...he was my grandfather and a few cells doesn't change the fact that he loved me and I loved him. It's been just as long without him as with him and I still miss him and hope to one day be half as good as him.
GPawesomeness 1 month ago
Why would it change how you feel about him? That is true love, my friend, the old axiom about being able to choose your family vs friends, your grandfather CHOSE your mom and aunt, blessed you are.
#11
I have a niece I didn’t know about until I was middle aged. My oldest sister left home early while I was an oblivious child; turned out, she’d gotten pregnant as a young teen and went to live with our grandmother to gestate, give birth, and give the baby up for adoption.
For decades I never knew, until my sister called during my divorce years later and commented that she knew what it was like to have your life upended because of her daughter. *What.*
She’d never had any other kids so I realized I was reeeeeaaally missing something!
Turned out she thought Mom had eventually told me once I was an adult, and Mom thought she had eventually told me, so they both assumed I knew when I had no idea.
A few years later her daughter finally reached out from the info on file at the agency so now she’s part of the extended family and my sister is “bonus mom”. They’re both lucky the reunion went well!
OpheliaPoe 1 month ago
My partner had a relative with a similar story. She got pregnant in the 1920s by a man who promptly ditched her and was sent away to have the baby and give it up got adoption. She never recovered from the loss. Never married. Never had another child. She would take her nieces and nephews out and tell people they were her children. She ended up getting cancer and dying in her early 50s. Such a sad story all around and it shouldn't have been that way. She deserved better.
#12
When I was a kid, I went to this science day camp for a few weeks. We did different things with a few teachers and volunteers, but there was one teacher's assistant who really stuck out to me. We hit it off immediately, and had a blast together every day. During pick-up time, the teacher joked to my dad about how her TA and I acted like siblings. I remember my dad being really spacey for the rest of the day, even the week after that.
Turns out, the TA and I actually ARE half-siblings, with the same father. My (our?) dad sat me down a few years later and explained that when he was 18-19, he accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant. Both of them were devout Catholics, so she carried the child to term, and abandoned her daughter afterwards. With no other options, he gave his daughter up for adoption.
I haven't seen my sister since. Part of me wants to reach out because I have that information, but I'm also a bit nervous, since we're both adults with our own sovereign lives now. Not to mention the ~16 year age gap.
Scouten suggests asking yourself a few questions about the relative at the center of a scandal before sharing information about it. Are you judging them harshly? Why or why not? Have you done your research about the issue and do you know whether it was common back in the day? How did the relative's actions impact family members at the time?
When you do finally put pen to paper, or your fingers to the keyboard, "offer the facts without judgment; not everyone reacts the same way to the same things." It also might be wise to speak to some family members before going public with private affairs.
"I would consider the lives and feelings of the people in your family, and what kind of relationship you want to have with them," advises Scouten. "Let's say your grandfather beat your uncle and his kids, and your uncle and cousins are still alive. Who are you to 'out' your uncle if he doesn't talk about that?"
#13
I wasn’t so much let in on it as I discovered it.
My grandmother died when I was about 8 from lung cancer. I was at her bedside the day she died and I remember her being bruised all over her face and arms. Years later as an adult that fact never sat right with me so I got a hold of her medical records. It turned out she had been mugged leaving the bank and was basically beaten to death by some guys for resisting.
I do understand why my family covered that up.
#14
My uncle didn't die in a car accident. He killed his mistress and then killed himself by crashing his car with her body in the trunk.
#15
My great-grandfather drank himself to death. My grandmother was ashamed of where she lived. He was the town drunk that spent most weekends in jail. She often had to carry him inside before school because he was passed out on the lawn. They finally told me all of this when I started drinking a handle a day.
If you claim to not have any secrets, there's a good chance you're keeping a secret about having a secret. As the BBC reported, "people keep around 13 secrets at any one time on average, five of which they've never told anyone." Those figures are based on this research. It was conducted by a leading expert on the psychology of secrets, Michael Slepian.
The psychologist revealed that people are more likely to share experiences involving drug use or job dissatisfaction than they are those to do with romantic desire or sexual behaviour. In fact, according to Slepian, those last two are "consistently the top secrets shared with no one".
#16
Just your standard 23andMe discovery of my real father at 49. The weirdest part is going from an “only” child to part of a giant family.
#17
My much older cousin, new mother, killed herself in my mother's bedroom at a family reunion party. Had my mother not said "don't take the baby for a nap with you, he's not tired" and kept him downstairs, it is likely she would have killed him too.
#18
My mother had another family while I was 4 years old, my father did the exact same thing 2 years later. That's why I was left with my grandparents, and all they told me was my parents were working abroad.
Our interview ended with Scouten sharing a quote one of her first clients shared with her. And we found it too good not to share with you... "If you don't want to find the nuts in your family, don't shake the tree."
And on that note, we'll leave the comments section open. So that you can drop your family bombshells right at the bottom!
#19
This was in rural Canada in the 1930s. My relative had a girlfriend named Dulcie and he was slow to propose. Since nobody locked their door then she let herself in while he was out one night, pulled up the shades, took her clothes off, turned the lights on, and let the neighbors see her walking around his house naked. After that he was forced to marry her.
And that is why nobody in the family liked Dulcie.
#20
My grandpa used to call womem he knew from his church and give them the "heavy breath" treatment.
He and my Nan were quietly asked to leave town before the police were involved.
Before I found out I did wonder why they sold their house so cheap and moved towns at 60 years old.
#21
My grandpa sat us all down in the living room one day and let it out. We weren’t completely polish but Spanish. Only problem was he was the only one who cared anymore. Was completely disappointed.
#22
My great-great grandpa shot his wife and her lover. She was injured and the lover died. He got away with it. The newspaper said it was justifiable homicide because she shouldn't have been cheating on him.
Same guy rented out his still to Al Capone during prohibition to make moonshine. Cops busted up the sill, he got arrested. All of this confirmed by a newspaper article. He kept his mouth shut about who rented it. The mob paid him off well for doing so.
#23
My stepfather did not die of a heart attack; he died from a failed attempt at autoerotic asphyxiation.
#24
My great uncle’s career was home robbery. His specialty was getting in second story windows by climbing on things below so his nickname was Porch.
#25
A lot less dramatic than most of the others, but it surprised me….
When I was five or so, my parents told me they had to fire my favorite babysitter because she stole money from my dad. When I was a teenager, my mom told me that it wasn’t money the babysitter stole, it was weed.
Jessica Shookhoff 1 month ago
This was a nice lighthearted one. A palette cleanser, if you will...
#26
My paternal grandmothers last words to my father were "There's a big family secret about you..." And then, she was gone. So that one is lost probably forever.
#27
Some member of my extended family(20++ members) were executed in my parent home country for violated some laws, also we're are to never go back there in fear of being executed as well.
#28
Ohhh a juicy one! As I got older I heard about a cousin nearly marrying another, unknown cousin at the time. They were engaged! Apparently His Dad had stepped out quite frequently in the 60's and the result was questioning any relationship he got into from our shared race and community. More personal to me was that my father, peach that he was, managed to sleep with my mother's twin within a year of them being married. Apparently this came out in their 50's so surprise everyone!
A sad one I learned on a road trip in my tweens. My Mom and I were traveling, just chatting and I start asking her about my cousin who I'm named after. I have old parents, my mom was 40 when she had me. This cousin, who's funeral I attended at the ripe old age of 5 was in his mid 20's. Amazing musician I'm told. Had a lot of mental health worries his whole life and didn't really seek treatment until the late 70's. Big stigma, hush, hush you'll be fine. Called his parents absolutely shattered one night and said the following words "I'm so tired, I have Dad's revolver. Please talk me out of this". They didn't call him back until it was far too late.
#29
I found out that my grandmother is actually my step-grandmother and my biological grandmother died a few years ago because of substance abuse.
I also found out, on the other side of my family, my grandad (who I've always been very fond of) was an alcoholic and quite abusive.
Basically found out why neither of my parents drink.
Joshua David 1 month ago (edited)
My mothers claim to fame her whole life was how she didnt drink a drop of alcohol because of my drunken abusive grandparents. Im really glad she had that foresight but it didn't stop her from marrying an abusive, cruel drunk aka my father. She would also PROMISE my siblings and i she was going to leave him but she never did. I had a lot of §hit to sort out when i was growing up and later as an adult.
#30
My great aunts were almost certainly an incestuous secret lesbian couple. They lived together their entire lives except for like a year when one of them got married. During that time they completely cut contact. After the divorce, they lived together until the day one of them died.
They were caught doing....things together as young teenagers. We're pretty sure that never stopped. They never showed any real interest in boys. Even when one got married for that year people thought there was nothing there between them.
Caroline Nagel 1 month ago
Am I happy to read they managed to stay together for the rest of their lives.
#31
1) When I was 13 my dad told me that he'd had a child with his first wife, but my half-brother drowned in a swimming pool when he was 3. Only time I ever saw my dad cry.
2) I have an uncle who retired and dropped out of most contact with the family about 25 years ago. When I was in my 20s, my mom told me she keeps one eye open with my uncle (my dad's older brother) and that she knows something having to do with him and my little brother that if my dad knew about it, he would get on a plane, fly halfway across the country, and murder him on the spot. She passed away before I could ask her more about that, but the implication has haunted me for years.
#32
My father’s ex-wife passed away by s****de after learning that he had started a new relationship with another woman, my mother. By this time, they had already been separated.
#33
The first secret was that I had a cousin who was adopted out. A few years after that, while drunk, my aunt confided in me the reason she'd adopted out her daughter and swore me to secrecy. The father of the child was her first cousin.
#34
The number of illegitimate kids fathered by my dad and his brothers. They all had at least one, I met a first cousin no one knew about through a DNA testing site.
#35
Dad died blowing c**e, not a virus that attacked his heart.
Best part was my dad’s oldest brother was just candidly talking to me about the whole day. How he misses my dad and all this and that.
“We were talking about getting clean for the kids and wives and this quarter bag was the last go around but it did us in.”
Oh, my pops?
“Yeah, oh you don’t know? Your mom didn’t tell? She was very much into that lifestyle with your dad as well.”
“No….” she never told me my dad died snorting c*****e with his older brother, let alone the very last time before his demise. Also that she does that with them as well. She spared me of the details.
My mother was absolutely horrified to know they told me at 15 years old. 6 years after his death. Also that she used with my dad.
I didn’t know any of this and it damaged my relationship with my mom. It took a long time to work trust back from all that. Purely because of the way it floated to me. It really hurt my mom. My uncle absolutely sent her to orbit over this, with a fallout that hasn’t been repaired to this day 18 years later.
Some family just never break that cycle and cause misery for others.
#36
One of my cousins had a baby when she was 17. My aunt and uncle sent her out of state to a hospital where she gave him up for adoption. Years later, after he would have turned 18, my uncle started looking and finally found him years later. He was doing well, had a family of his own. My uncle didn't contact him and only told my aunt and my mom that the boy was fine. They decided that my cousin did not need to know where he was, and she died not knowing what had become of him.
I have no idea if any of her siblings ever knew she had given up a child in her youth. If they did, they never said anything.
The only reason I know is when I was going over my mom's will, I noticed she had this cousin listed to be my guardian if anything happened to her before I turned 18. I asked her why that cousin and that's when the story came out.
#37
I didn’t realize that my mom wasn’t ever married to my father, when she had my sister and I.
I knew he had another family — a wife and kids. I guess my kid mind just never thought too deep about it, and figured at some point years ago, him and my mom were officially together. But they never were. She told me over the phone, in my junior year of college.
It’s so weird the way the universe works sometimes — to know that if my mom hadn’t made an immoral choice (having a years-old relationship with a married man) — and if he hadn’t made an immoral choice (to cheat on his wife) — that neither me or my sister would exist. That their two wrongs brought us to life.
Elladine DesIsles 1 month ago
I am confident that there isn't a single human alive today who doesn't owe their existence to an assortment of extra-marital, illicit, non-consensual and otherwise problematic encounters at various points in our genealogical histories. Of course, I assume we all have loving partnerships and much-desired conceptions contributing to our genetic make-ups as well. That is just the reality of himan nature. I can certainly identify example from both sides among my own ancestors.
#38
My grandma was single in her 30s and sleeping with a married man. She ended up getting pregnant, and towards the end of her pregnancy met my (step)grandpa. They got married and put his name on the birth certificate, and my aunt has always believed he is her biological dad. Still to this day does (she’s 50), while literally every other person in the family knows the truth. My mom has like 10 siblings, so the shear number of people who know the truth and have managed to never tell her is quite impressive.
I’ve known since I was like 8. Not sure why they trusted a child with that secret, but I never told.
#39
That my grandparents had gotten a divorce, married other people and divorced them, then got back together and had another child, but never got remarried. I was scandalized, was told this in the early 1980's...things were still different then.
Penny Hernandez 1 month ago
When I was going genealogical research on my family I found several children who were born before their parents were married. There was one great aunt who had an illegitimate daughter who never married and committed suicide when the child was about 7, taking the child with her.
#40
Did not find out that my parents date of marriage was wrong until mom died (saw on death certificate). Turns out they married on one date. Were notified three days later the JP’s license had expired. They had to borrow money from my uncle to get re-married. Mom was so horrified she swore dad and my uncle to silence. This was back in the early 1950s.
What do you think ?
A girl 1 month ago
Not jaded. Just realistic. I could go on about my family but why? I've had therapy. I periodically droo to my step kids when they wallow in self pity.
Load More Replies...
T'Mar of Vulcan 1 month ago
My aunt and uncle got divorced when their daughter, Cousin Lily, was 3. They decided it had been a mistake and got re-married when Lily was 4, then had another child, Miles, afterwards. They never told them about the divorce. I was 4 when they re-married so I remembered it. One day I was chatting with Lily and said, "It was around the time your parents got re-married..." Lily, "WHAT?!!" I had to explain (we were about 13/14) and she didn't believe me, so I told her to ask her mother. My aunt was VERY angry with me. BUT NOBODY HAD TOLD ME IT WAS A SECRET. So ff a few years and I'm telling Miles about secrets and go, "Like that time I told your sister about your parents getting divorced and re-married..." Miles, "WHAT??!!" WHOOPS. Told him to tell his mother he saw pics in our family album because I swear my aunt would have killed me that time. I mean, fine, if you don't want your kids to know it's your business, but TELL people they don't know!
A girl 1 month ago
Not jaded. Just realistic. I could go on about my family but why? I've had therapy. I periodically droo to my step kids when they wallow in self pity.
Load More Replies... T'Mar of Vulcan 1 month ago
My aunt and uncle got divorced when their daughter, Cousin Lily, was 3. They decided it had been a mistake and got re-married when Lily was 4, then had another child, Miles, afterwards. They never told them about the divorce. I was 4 when they re-married so I remembered it. One day I was chatting with Lily and said, "It was around the time your parents got re-married..." Lily, "WHAT?!!" I had to explain (we were about 13/14) and she didn't believe me, so I told her to ask her mother. My aunt was VERY angry with me. BUT NOBODY HAD TOLD ME IT WAS A SECRET. So ff a few years and I'm telling Miles about secrets and go, "Like that time I told your sister about your parents getting divorced and re-married..." Miles, "WHAT??!!" WHOOPS. Told him to tell his mother he saw pics in our family album because I swear my aunt would have killed me that time. I mean, fine, if you don't want your kids to know it's your business, but TELL people they don't know!
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