Someone Asks “What’s A Dark Secret You Want To Get Off Of Your Chest?” And 40 People Deliver

#1

I'm in a bad place right now. My partner is sick, brain damage after a sudden illness.

Most days he is his old self but some days he is a stranger to me. He's angry, and confused, he doesn't know me, gets into a rage and I have to calm him. I have to remind him of the 13yrs we've shared together. I've to break his heart and remind him that his dad is dead.

It's worse because to people on the outside, he seems totally fine, just a bit quieter than usual. They don't see him when he's confused or wondering who I am.

It's hard, and I'm burning out, between work, study, caring for him, volunteer work and now we have to f*****g move house and as he has mobility issues, most of it will be left to me. He'll be upset and confused at the change.

I will not leave him, I adore him. But it's made me realise that the life we had planned is not going to happen.

We were planning a baby. And we still want one but I've had to accept that it likely won't happen as he has mobility and memory issues. He cannot work, so how can I go to work and leave him with a baby, a toddler, when I come home and the oven is smoking because he forgot he turned it on?

He is so excited talking about this baby we are meant to have in a few years time. We had names picked. And I cannot bring myself to tell him that I don't think it'll happen.

I desperately want his baby. But I've had to cut myself off from excitement about it because how can I tell him that his illness is the reason why we shouldn't have one?

It's so hard because we both talk about it, we get excited, he says beautiful things about us having a baby together and then it hits me again that it'll probably never happen.

I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. We're not bad people. We try and help when we can, we keep to ourselves, we don't cause trouble, and we've had such a s****y run of luck lately. This is the nail in the coffin for me, and I CANNOT take much more of this s**t.

I've never felt such hatred for a god, deity, whatever cosmic force there may be, but I wake up from what little sleep I get, every day, begging whatever the f**k is out there, to leave us alone.

I want my old life back. I want my old partner back. I want our future back. And I'm so f*****g angry because people keep telling me to be grateful he isn't worse. And I AM grateful, my god, I was told if he lived, he'd be in a wheelchair and he defied the odds. But just because he's doing ok doesn't mean I'm not allowed to FEEL!

I'm f*****g ANGRY! And I'm sick of people dismissing my feelings about what happened because they say it didn't happen to me. It happened to US. He doesn't remember a damn thing about that night. I remember EVERYTHING!

I remember him seizing in bed, I remember calling 112, I remember him seizing again and again, I remember doing compressions on him, I remember him terrified, saying my name before he seized again, into unconsciousness for 26 hours.

He doesn't have epilepsy. He's never had any health issues bar a broken foot. It was so random and so out of the blue.

I'm sick of whatever is throwing all of this at us, and I know how horrible I sound because there ARE people in worse situations but I'm just f*****g done.

Whatever is out there, whatever I've done to have this fall back on us, just leave him alone. He's a good, kind, sweet man, he doesn't deserve any of this.

Just please stop because I actually can't take any more.

PotatoPixie90210 Report

Final score:

316points

Someone Asks “What’s A Dark Secret You Want To Get Off Of Your Chest?” And 40 People Deliver

Games

Liucija Adomaite

Liucija Adomaite

Viktorija Ošikaitė

Viktorija Ošikaitė