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50 People Share If They Regret Their Decision On Having Kids Or Being Childfree
Interview With Expert
Reasons for not having children – or being unlikely to ever have them – differ between the older and younger groups. The top response for those who are over 50 is that it just didn't happen. Meanwhile, those under 50 usually say they simply don't want to have kids. So we decided to read up on how people perceive this aspect of themselves and found a couple of discussions on Quora (one and two) where childfree adults have been sharing their unfiltered thoughts and emotions on the matter. Continue scrolling to check out the most memorable stories we discovered.
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#1
I'm 38 and do not have children. No regrets. I have never wanted kids, and doubt I ever will. I'm happy living for myself, not another person. I'm free to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I can live my life to the fullest without being held back by a dependant. I love myself and my life is complete.
Most people, especially other women, cannot fathom this. But most of them have always wanted kids, or already have them. They felt a void before before having a child. They felt like they were missing something. They never knew that kind of love. Whatever. I get it. You love your kid more than anything. But that doesn't mean it's for everyone. Glad you're happy, so am I. And if you ever give me one of those ridiculous “you should have kids" lectures, I'm going to laugh every single time you complain about your offspring. Then I'm going to go on a last minute adventure and send you pictures the entire time.
Live your life however you want, and don't judge people who don't make the same life choices as you. You can be equally happy with or without kids.
Lew k 2 months ago
Do you but number 1 advice. If you're on the fence, that answer is no. It's a hard thing to admit but I was never sure and had a kid because the clock was ticking (me 37 wife 35). We had a boy who I love with all my heart but he's adhd and defiant disorder and every day is super hard. Lucky we waited till we were secure but truth be told I was never ment to be a father. It's not my kids fault and I do my best to be the best dad I can but I'm never excited to start a day of fathering. I loved my kid free life and now that I have money I wish I could enjoy it more. All I'm saying it make sure it's what you want. I wouldn't take it back for anything now that I know my little man but if you can understand the concept I would have been happier if I didn't have kids. It's not a fit for everyone.
Bored Panda's parenting expert Vicki Broadbent, who is a mom of a teen, tween, and toddler herself, thinks "The decision, if it is indeed a decision, to have or not have kids (as many cannot have children despite wanting to) is individual," the woman behind the popular parenting and lifestyle blog Honest Mum tells us.
"I hate the pressure (applied to women in particular) to have children," she says. "It is not right for everyone."
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#2
I announced at 16 that I never wanted kids. I heard all the usual BS about how I’d change my mind, I was too young to know, having a child was my “job”, who would take care of me when I was old, etc.
I’m now 65 and have never had one moment of regret. I have traveled the world. I’ve donated thousands of dollars and hours to many non-profit organizations. I retired at 62 and live in a beautiful villa in a gorgeous mountain valley south of Valencia Spain. I am happily married — for 32 years.
I see people my age who are years from retiring because of kids. They are exhausted, miserable, and stressed. Sure, they love their kids, but it’s an 80/20 split — the love is the 20%.
Even my own mother told me if she had it to do over again she would not have had kids. I totally understood. She loved us and raised us well, but she gave up HER life to do that.
Having a kid is NOT the end all/be all for females. You really do get to choose to live your own life and pursue your own goals and dreams if you want to. WITHOUT GUILT. And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Lupita Nyong'heaux 2 months ago
apparently, i told my mom i never wanted to marry or have kids when i was 7. (i don't remember that incident, but she did, and told me about it when i was in my 20s.) i also heard all those same things from people this lady was told, and like her, i have never ever wavered or regretted that decision. also like her, i am 65, retired at 62 and traveled. i now live in merida, mexico, after living in barbados for a while. i've made new friends in my new country, my old friends come visit, i have competent, willing, and enthusiastic D available to me whenever i want it, and i have never been happier!
#3
I do not want kids. I have no interest in being a father. I once thought about having children, but I decided I didn't want the responsibility of raising a child. I'm gonna get a vasectomy as soon as possible. I myself also support the idea that women should have full control over their bodies, and shouldn't be forced to go through an unwanted pregnancy.
Alexia 2 months ago (edited)
Thank you for that. I've seen sooooo many men who wanted children; then, when their partner/spouse gave birth, they decided there's too much responsibility for them and just run away. Leaving, of course, women to raise the children and to chase them for alimony, while they were "enjoying life".
Estimates concerning when adults decide to be childfree are mixed. Earlier studies suggested that most adults made the decision later in life, but last year, researchers at Michigan State University found that this choice is mostly made during the prime childbearing years – in our teens or twenties.
#4
My husband never wanted children. He was adamant. So, I accepted that we’d be a childless couple. It would be okay, I told myself, because we were deeply in love and we’d always have each other.
In my thirties, I asked my mum if I’d made the right decision not to have kids. She told me her honest opinion: That if I didn’t, I’d one day regret it. She added that couples divorce all the time, and whilst my husband could then go off with a younger woman and make children, I’d be left behind, older and childless.
So, I told my husband I wanted a child. I remember the very day vividly; he went AWOL the ENTIRE day to mull it over, and he finally agreed. So, at age 38, I had my son. And guess what? My husband and I ended up divorcing six years later, (edit: for reasons unrelated to being parents.) Now, not a day goes by when I don’t thank my mum in my head. She gave me the best advice I could’ve hoped for, because my son is now my only family and the light of my life.
Incidentally, a few months after our split, my ex-husband texted to say ‘I just want to thank you for persuading me to have a child. I love our little fella so much.’
Thanks, mum. ❤️
#5
Having kids is a monumental life-changing decision. I will tell anybody that before you have kids, be very sure that you want them for the right reasons. If you’re having them because your partner wants them, you’re lonely, or you think you might regret not having them, don’t have them. Children know when they’re not wanted and it will devastate them. Also, if you have children and cling to them too tightly (you refuse to let them grow up, you guilt them into centering their lives around you, you want a mini-you, etc.), that child will have psychological scars for a lifetime. It’s not fair to them. If you don’t have children and you come to regret it, you can always either adopt or volunteer at a church/youth center/school. You still get to have children in your life. I’m in my late forties and I can honestly say that I don’t regret not having children. I became a caretaker for my little brother when I was 11. I love children and they are a lot of fun, but I do not enjoy caring for children and all that comes with it. I enjoy my solitude too much. Even now when I’m around babies/children, I find them utterly delightful. I am happy to play with them, but I am also grateful that I can give them back to their parents.
"The belief that having kids is the elixir of a happy life and the only way to be fulfilled is flawed," Broadbent, the author of books Mumboss (UK) and The Working Mom (US and Canada), adds. "You can obtain the same happiness with or without kids."
She also thinks that "you cannot prepare for having children emotionally, [...] not fully anyway, because it's an extraordinary experience: thrilling, all-consuming, terrifying and wonderful. Rather like bungee jumping over and over for years!"
#6
I’m a 68 year old woman, without a child. I’ve never regretted a moment, for not having children.
Those who have children, of course, are going to say, they are happy they had a child. They love their child. Those of us who don’t love a child, we don’t know, what we don’t know. We’re ok with that.
#7
I am a 25 year old man. My whole life I have not wanted children. At 23 I got my vasectomy and found a 28 year old woman who also doesn't want children. We are now owners of a 6 bedroom Victorian home built in 1903. We have double income and no children. We get to vacation and own all the toys we want. Having no children was our best decision in life. Our siblings have kids that we get to see and get all the child love we need. But at the end of the day we aren't financially responsible for them. In today's economy having a child is not worth it in our opinion. It may say selfish but why spend a million dollars in a lifetime on children when you can spend a million on enjoying your life to the fullest. Sure when we grow old we won't have anyone to take care of us and one of us will die alone and lonely but at least we have amazing memories with each other and never had to stress about the expenses of a child. This is just our opinion, do as you please with it.
Jill Rhodry 2 months ago
I wish people would stop believing that because you had children you will have someone to take care of you in your old age
#8
Nope.
This is, BTW, why kids are an absolute deal breaker in a relationship. If one person wants them and the other does not, they should part company, full stop. There is no satisfactory compromise to be had, unless one of them doesn’t mean it for some reason or another.
kansasmagic 2 months ago
Yes, important to understand that there is no "compromise" between no-kids and yes-kids. You can't settle on half a kid, and it really doesn't work if you become just half a parent. Cliche it may be, but there's a reason people say "having a baby changes everything", including at least a dozen things that you never considered *before* you had kids.
The aforementioned Michigan State University study also showed that childfree adults who are 70 and older do not experience more life regret than their peers with kids. And that might be the key we need to understand.
"Of course, these groups can get along. We're human and our lived experiences, kids or otherwise, are universal," Vicki Broadbent says. "Some of my closest friends are kid-free by choice."
The key isn't whether one chooses to have children or not, but to make that decision authentically for oneself and respect that others may choose differently.
#9
Not having children is the single biggest regret of my life.
I met my ex when we were in our 20’s and not in any hurry. I was ready at 31, and he started stalling, with valid sounding excuses. (Need better jobs/better health insurance/fix up the house to be safe for a baby etc) He wanted me, but not marriage or children. He knew if he told me that, I would leave.
By the time I figured out what he was doing, I thought I was ‘too old’ to find someone else in time to have children with. I tried to pressure him into it. Our relationship turned toxic, my mental health suffered. I froze my eggs, just to have some sense of control over the situation.
When I turned 40, I tried to accept being childless. To build an alternate reality. But the desire to be a Mom never went away. When I turned 45, I was given the chance to adopt an infant. Not only did he refuse, he would have blocked the home study required for me to adopt as a single woman. That was the day I was done. It took me 2 more years, but I left him at 47.
I’m 49 now. I have no regrets over ending that relationship. Other than I wish I’d done it 18 years earlier. I still have my frozen eggs, but kind of feel like I left it too late to be fair to the child(ren). (No judgement on anyone else that chooses to have children later in life though!) I tell my story a lot to younger people with a partner stalling them on marriage and/or kids. I hope to spare them the pain I went through, because I spent nearly 20 years with my life ‘on hold’ just waiting for children to enter it. I have a successful career, a home, security, but would trade it all in an instant to go back and have kids in the ‘normal’ time frame. Hindsight is 20/20.
Alexia 2 months ago
I wanted to have children. I used to dream about having a loving supporting husband and beautiful kids. BUT... I grew up in a toxic, dysfunctional family, where domestic violence of all types was the norm. I witnessed and experienced things that you can only see in documentaries and breaking news. I'm currently in therapy and if someday I'd feel ready, then I'll adopt a child. But if not, the abusive pattern in my family ends with me.
#10
I regret having kids - we do not have a good relationship — I raised them (food, clothes and education) and I paid for their college - a new car when they graduated from college and cheered them both along the way.
Today I have two adult kids that only call me when they need money and have shit on me in every other way …
If I could do my life over not only would I not have kids but I also would never have gotten married.
Ms.GB 2 months ago
I also think sometimes if you give too much of yourself to your children and live only for them that they learn to see you as someone who's just there to serve them.
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KillerKiwi 2 months ago
I know a very sweet old lady (ironically named Karen) whose kids never talk to her. And when they do, they’re absolutely awful. She is a very nice person, and her husband (they’re now separated) is a crazy abusive jerk. The kids took after him. They believe every lie he tells them and are awful to their mother. If OP wishes she didn’t get married or have kids, I wonder what her husband is like. When you aren’t happy, it’s difficult to make others feel happy and loved.
Kobe (she) 2 months ago
That sounds a bit like an emotional inability - and a parent that has not received love from their own parents. . Not a word about loving their kids. Raising them is so much more than just meeting their physical needs. And unfortunately, if not dealt with, things like these can run through generations...
sturmwesen 2 months ago (edited)
She sounds like my father... He paid for stuff but as soon as us kids could form words of opinion we were "difficult" (so age 2). He never encouraged us or praised us. When I visited he gave me money for the bus home after an hour. When I moved out I got all his household items while he mainly live abroad- he never even saw my apartment. He came backbto the country without even telling us.
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Christina B 2 months ago (edited)
I grew up in an abusive home, my mother was terrifyingly abusive both physically and mentally and I have been NC with her for 25 years....I got pregnant at 18 with my daughter and swore I would never put her through what my mother did with me - my daughter was in sports, had play dates/sleepovers/super fun birthday parties, we were involved and caring parents who were very present throughout her childhood and beyond and still are...she was loved unconditionally, was provided every opportunity and we were there 110% to cheer her along the way, sparing no amount of time or expense to ensure she was happy and taken care of and LOVED - looking back she was spoiled...so much so the only time we hear from her now is around her birthday or Christmas as she knows it involves gifts...and she sends extensive and expensive lists of what she wants...and bitches to my ex-MIL when i don't send her what she wants and is rude and very disrespectful when we are together....so I understand where OP is coming from....Just my own opinion but I do see where she is coming from so give her some grace...I love my child and always will...I just don't 'like' her.
#11
I have never been paternally minded. I have nieces and nephews and whilst happy to babysit or child-mind whilst they were growing up; I never felt significantly or sufficiently moved towards wanting and having my own.
When I got married, I was unsure whether I wanted children. Never dead against the idea but not exactly pro the idea either. At best, I would say I was ambivalent. A few years into the marriage my wife suggested that we start trying. Again, I was not exactly for it nor dead set against it. In fact, after a week or so of trying, I kinda tried to back out of it and go back towards contraception. My wife however, very subtly persisted by saying, let’s just see what happens.
Approximately 9 months later our daughter was born and my life changed forever. I had never known unconditional, instant love like it. I have achieved a fair amount in professional life that I (and my parents) have been proud of and up until that moment was my crowning achievement. The birth of my daughter however, surpassed all of those achievements by a country mile.
Her birth has given new meaning to my life, new purpose and a new sense of responsibility. When making big decisions I have someone else to consider and the knowledge that my decisions could impact her and her future. It helps me to make better decisions and drives me towards better outcomes. Not just for me, but also for her and the next generation of our family.
I guess mine is the story of a non-believer being converted. It’s funny how things change and life develops but one thing I do know is that if something feels right, then it probably is right. That is why my 4 year old daughter has a 2 year old brother.
EmAdoresHerKats🇮🇪🇩🇿🇵🇸 2 months ago
That's just a lovely story. You can really tell he's happy 😊
#12
My wife and I have been married for over 30 years. We have no children. During our 30s and 40s, we were able to travel extensively, and really enjoy our lives. Now that we are in our 60s, and don't have the energy of our youth, I am glad that we were free to travel and enjoy our mid life years. Financially, we are better off, never having had children. We will retire soon. We don't pine for what we never had.
Keith Lancaster 2 months ago
Good for you. I really don't understand this idea of couples have a responsibility to have children. Do what you want, after all it's your life.
#13
There were three of us kids. I was 7 1/2 When my brother was born and he was 6 1/2 when my sister was born (I was 2 weeks shy of 14). None of the three of us ever had any children. My sister nor I ever wanted any and we made that clear from the time we were very young. I liked other peoples’ kids ok, I just didn’t want the responsibility and she just plain did not like any kids. My brother is the only one of us who was ever likely to have kids, and he was married for 11 years (divorced for many now). But he had a congenital birth defect that would have almost certainly affected any children, so they decided not to have kids. He says he has never regretted it, either. Only my Mom is left of my parents, now. If she regrets none of us giving her grandchildren, she has never mentioned it to me. She says all her grandkids have four legs. 😁🐾🐾🥰
HangryHangryHippo 2 months ago
My mom calls my dog her "perrinieto" (somewhat a spanish hybrid between dog and grandkid)
#14
Yes.
My son is 27, suffering from chronic depression, in a low-paying dead-end job without the faintest idea of how to get out of it. His life is an unending continuum of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
If I knew that he would develop like this, I would not have had him. I would not want to bring a person into this world outside of his own volition, if I knew that he would experience no joy in his existence.
I was under the impression that almost all living creatures had at least the capacity for joie de vivre, and I assumed that it would be so for my child, as well.
Sorry, son. I don’t know what to do.
EmAdoresHerKats🇮🇪🇩🇿🇵🇸 2 months ago
This is heartbreaking for the parent and the son. I really hope it gets better for them.
#15
Well, you know that’s hard to answer.
My (now ex-) wife conceived by secretly going off the pill and then concealing her pregnancy until she was about halfway through. I had a vasectomy when my daughter was six weeks old after winning an argument with my doctor. (Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, shame on me.)
We had agreed before marrying that we were not going to have children and she never hinted to me that she had changed her mind. She just pulled the cruel stunt on our daughter, blessing her with the gift of a father who did his best for his daughter while permanently angry with her mother.
Eventually I left. I have a positive relationship with my now adult daughter, but I wouldn’t piss on my ex-wife to put her out if she was on fire, except for the sake of my daughter.
Don’t tell me there is an avalanche of repressed anger there - it is not repressed.
Do I regret? No, I am simply not in the business of regret. If I had my life again I would have had a vasectomy years earlier. And of course I wouldn’t have married such a cruel woman. But I have made my way through life to happy circumstances. I know my life is happy, and I don’t know what my life would have been if I had made different choices, so my present way of life is something I would not change.
But I cannot understand the evil of a person who brings a helpless child into the world with an unwilling father. What she did to me is bad, but what she did to my daughter who happens also to be her daughter is simply unfathomable evil.
Tamra 2 months ago
I feel for this guy, but I just don't understand why he didn't have a vasectomy at the beginning? He knows he didn't want kids, but didn't bother ensuring it didn't happen. What the woman did is absolutely reprehensible, but more men need to be taking responsibility for birth control. It's much easier for men to get a vasectomy than it is for us to get our tubes tied.
#16
My first wife had had an emotional breakdown prior to our marriage. Because of the genetic component, we decided that having a child was not a good idea, even though we both wanted one. My absences because of military duties would have been too much of a strain on her if she had the sole responsibility of caring for a child. After her death in an automobile accident, I remarried, this time to a divorcee with eight children. Although the children were either out of the home or living with their father, we did have them in our lives ,and had several of them and their children lived with us as they dealt with marriage problems. There are now 27 grandchildren and 5 (as of today) great grandchildren. I have had two wonderful wives and the best of all possible worlds.
#17
My ex-husband was alright about having kids when we got married, but abruptly changed his mind a few years later and became adamant against having kids. He was calculative, cold, and thought kids were a waste of money and time. He also became increasingly abusive, controlling, a serial cheater, and vowed that if we ever had children, he would treat them worse than he treated me. I was pretty depressed about the thought of being childless, as well as living with an abusive, controlling, and cheating husband for the rest of my life. After a couple of years of this misery, I escaped and never looked back. I started my life anew and enjoyed the freedom and happiness I never experienced during my first marriage.
A few years later I meet my soulmate, and he is completely the opposite of my ex. A wonderful, happy, kind, generous, and thoughtful human being that thinks of others first. We have been inseparable since the day we met, and both of us wanted to raise kids. My dream came true, I became a mom and my son is the best thing to happen to us, he brings immense joy and delight to our lives and I’m so very grateful for the opportunity to have a child. It’s a whole other range of emotions that weren’t there before. My family is my world!
I would have been crushed had I stayed in my first marriage, I would have absolutely regretted missing the chance to be a mother, something that I longed for so long.
Mammie 2 months ago
The story you wrote could've been about me with the exception of the child being of the first marriage. And I regret all of that marriage including the child. I know that sounds harsh but I spent 18 years of my life devoted to what would turn out to be two narcissistic controlling abusers. My child now is mid-thirties, never had a job, living off someone else and sees nothing wrong with that situation. It hurts me everyday that my beautiful, smart, able to do anything child, has chosen to do absolutely nothing. And blames me for all of it.
#18
No, I don’t regret not having kids. I always knew I was t going to have them, and I’m happy. A lot of my cousins don’t have kids, and my sister doesn’t either. Thankfully, I didn’t have an egotistical, self righteous mother, who demanded grandchildren.
#19
My upbringing was such that I never wanted to marry or have children. All I had for examples were broken marriages and very unhappy people who endured each other for the sake of appearances. I would become upset when older people suggested to teenage me that I would one day change my mind. I grew up over night when I became caregiver to my grandfather and great grandmother in my teens. I didn’t see myself as able to love or be loved, and I felt old long before my time. I didn’t date in high school or college. In fact, some of the men in college called me “Ice Queen” because they thought I was terribly cold and rebuffed their attempts at flirting.
I went on my first date after college graduation and eventually did marry. That part I do regret. It cost me a world of heartache and pain. I tried so hard to protect my heart but had it shattered anyway. But the good thing that resulted from that union was my daughter.
She is the fire to my ice. She helped my perfectionist nature to soften. She is the very definition of my heart walking around outside of my body. I was determined, come hell or high water, to break the generational cycles of abuse for her. She is my joy.
I see her intelligence, her sense of humor, her imagination. I see how she cares for people and animals. I see her passion for dance and how she loves to paint. She’s girly, glittery, and feminine. She’s innocent. She’s hilarious. She’s kind and loving.
There is so much about my life that I deeply regret, but having her has never been one of them. I am honored that God gave me the privilege of protecting her, loving her, and knowing her.
#20
I have 3 beautiful daughters and could not imagine life without them. Although my daughters, wife, and even my female Boston Terrier gang up on me often I have always been proud to have all girls.
MotherRobinson 2 months ago
My husband can relate. We have four girls here and then there's me so a lot of feminine energy over masculine energy in our house. He said he wouldn't have it any other way.
#21
Never. I knew I did not have the maternal instinct. I am an only child and my parents always talked to me like an adult. Never baby talk. I was always around adults. I started Kindergarten and I thought the other kids were stupid and out of control. When I turned 38, I had a long conversation with my mom about having a baby. She said it is my life and she wasn’t going to pressure me. I had that maternal instinct for about 15 minutes in my life……………………I ended up with a puppy. Perfect for me. Besides, I carry an Epi Pen. When I’m around children I break out in hives. I’m soooooo allergic to them. Misbehaved children in stores, I would rather throat punch the parent for not doing there job to teach basic manners. UGH….I’m so glad I didn’t have rugrats. NO REGRETS!!!!
#22
Unfortunatelly, yes.
I have a wonderful husband and we planned to have our two wonderful children. But somehow already in the first weeks of my first pregnancy I started feeling depressed. Since then (over 6 years now) I am fighting depression (with medication, therapy, etc.) and can’t succeed. I feel like I have ruined not only my own but the lives of everybody around me. These two precious girls will certainly not be mentaly healthy grown ups after experiencing a mother like me.
I was perfectly happy before I had children and now I can’t find motivation to live in these circumstances.
I wish there was some education on parenthood and possible side effects. I wish parents would speak openly about the difficulties of beeing parents.
It seems to me that the whole world is cultivating the big lie that “children are the ultimative happiness”. Otherwise, if parents were honest with their own kids about the fact how difficult it was to raise them, they would possibly lose their chance to become grandparents.
My husband and I decided to have children partially because of the pressure from our families. Sadly, none of those who put pressure on us is available to help in difficult moments.
Yes, I indeed believe, a few people would be better off if I hadn’t have children.
Noyfb noyfb 2 months ago (edited)
“Lose their chance to become grandparents” is an atrocious lie. The whole “grandparents rights” movement is grossly improper, and any grandparent who who asserts their “right” to any role in their grandchild’s life is a flat, delusional liar. That child is a whole person, and you have no rights to/over him or her. Grannies, STFU.
#23
NOPE. I don’t have children and I purposefully chose not to have them and I’m happy and contented that I don’t have the issues I see parents having to contend with. It all mostly stems from the fact that I’m an INFJ introvert who is very fulfilled and complete because of the dominant left cerebral hemisphere I have.
That and also certain spiritual beliefs I hold dear to me is also why I don’t regret not having kids. To each his/her own.
Everyone must do what is right for them in the long term. At the end of it all, whether one has children or not, it doesn’t matter since we all end up dead anyway. It’s just a matter of when it’ll happen for us all.
#24
I couldn’t have kids. We’d talked about adopting but my husband was a workaholic and I had a number of health issues…and honestly not a big desire to be a mom. So we didn’t. I don’t regret it. But I have a lot of kids in my life. I’m my nieces and nephews and friends’ kids favorite aunt. I see or at least talk to most of them often. So my life has a lot of great younger people in it.
Rachel Pelz 2 months ago
From a parent's view, I love that my kds get to have fun and develop family/friends relationships with happily childless adults! I would love to have grandchildren one day, but everybody can (hopefully) make their life choices. So role models -either way- are precious.
#25
As the years have gone by and my children have become adults, I have begun to regret having kids. For one thing, the expense has been tremendous. But that aside, mental illness runs in my family. Depression, psychopathy, and other assorted psychological ills loom large in my family, psrticularly on my mother's side. I myself have been diagnosed as bipolar (cyclothymia), and my brother has chronic depression, as did my mother, who even considered having electroshock therapy towards the end of her life.
My youngest daughter claims she has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. My son almost certainly has some kind of mental illness, either bipolar or borderline personality disorder. He rages constantly, is completely unpredictable in his moods which can range from almost euphoric to really miserable, and he can be very verbally abusive. My oldest daughter, who is now almost 40, seems to be doing the best. She holds down a good job, has married a very kind and hard-working man, and has a nice home. But she is chronically depressed, has almost no self-confidence, and was on adderall for years for central auditory processing deficit until her doctor refused to continue prescribing it for her.
So, yes, I often regret having children. Not that I don't love them; I do. But they seem to be so unhappy, and that weighs heavily on my conscience.
#26
I do not regret not having kids, not even for a second.
I hear about how much of a blessing they are and how fun it is to see the world open up through their eyes and I call bullshit.
Having kids is mentally and physically exhausting, but no parent will own up to it in public. Shame on them.
Do you know what I’ve been able to do by not having kids? Yep, whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. I’m not saying my life is perfect by any means, But what a nightmare for any kids I would have had knowing I would resent the situation until the day I died.
amy lee 2 months ago
Running a marathon is exhausting but also exhilarating... if that's your thing. Nothing worth doing is without effort. It's finding if it's your thing. People go into marathons without the necessary training and it breaks them. Same for people that go into parenthood or any other big thing blindly. Something's you just can't wing.
#27
My mother walked out on my brothers and I when I was three. I stood there and watched her walk out the door with another man, and never saw her again. My dad was in Vietnam at the time, and we had to wait for Red Cross to notify him and for him to get a hardship discharge to come get us. I vowed to myself that I would never to that to any children I had.
I met the one when I worked as a traveling sideshow performer. He was a ride jock. It was love at first sight, and we had thirty wonderful years together. I gave birth to my one and only child, a girl, and she became the center of my world. She still is, thirty six years later. Unfortunately, my one passed from cancer in 2014, but I still have my beautiful girl, who herself is married with a son. I would not give up any part of my life for anything; my daughter has been the light to guide me through some of my darkest hours, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend.
Sven Horlemann 2 months ago
That is how it is supposed to be. Working out for everyone, I mean.
#28
No lying: I absolutely adore my daughter, and I have never regretted having her, even though she was an accident, and I didn't want children.
Something inside me flipped on when she was born. I've never known love like this. I've never been so content. And I've never known anyone like her.
As a child, she was this beautiful, sweet, innocent little being who needed me. As an adult, she's a gentle, graceful, intelligent, caring, absolutely gorgeous woman. I did nothing to deserve her, and my life is enriched by her.
Yes. It's hard to raise a child, and it was very hard to let her go, but my life is better for it.
#29
Yes and no. I was raped but had to keep the child as my parents did not believe me. And I feared at the time of losing their love IF I had an abortion.
I raised her the best I could on very little. Never found a man that would love me with a child.
And thou I regret HOW I became pregnant and how I had to live to raise her. She now has a Daughter I love with all my heart.
EmAdoresHerKats🇮🇪🇩🇿🇵🇸 2 months ago
Such a brave mother. She really did well given the circumstances.
#30
I guess I’m in the minority here. I never had kids nor really wanted them. I thought about it, sure, I think most people do. But I just never had the feeling my life wouldn’t be complete without them, and my partner of 25 years feels the same way. Sometimes I wish I had had a daughter, because I would raise her so much differently than how I was raised (I’m female). But that’s just speculation on my part.
#31
Yes, I regret it as one of the worst mistakes of my life. Their mother is a mental case and they grew up to be carbon copies of their mother. That’s 4 young adults now that are dysfunctional, arrogant and incredibly selfish. They can’t keep friends or jobs. To this day I wish I never had kids.
Disgruntled Panda 2 months ago
I'm sorry to hear this but I don't think blaming just one parent 100% is fair
#32
When we got pregnant, my wife was 40 and I was 50. The birth went terribly sideways, because our son aspirated meconium during a very long and difficult labor. It should have been a C-section but our OB seemed very disconnected about the whole thing. So, when he was born, his lungs shredded and collapsed, his heart stopped twice and lost O2 to his brain. Flight for life took him to Children’s where they cooled his brain for three days. The subsequent MRI was very concerning and showed a number of areas of damage and he was given an HIE diagnosis. We spent the better part of two years caring for him and he had several therapists, occupational and physical. He had a lot of challenges at the beginning and was not a happy baby. However, at 20 months, we gathered with all of his therapists for a review. A speech therapist came because he was saying words backwards. She had a stack of diagnostic materials to go over with him, but he just went over to her with one of his books and started explaining it to her (he’s very social) and she looked up and said she thought he knew around 2,000 words! Now, he’s a very intelligent 11 year old.
My wife was also injured in the birth and that is permanent. She will have a life of pain and disability.
Despite all of that, we are so delighted to have him in our lives. He’s funny, brilliant, compassionate, loving, creative, etc. He has some challenges, such as ADHD and mild autism, but we can’t imagine life without him. Everyone who meets him thinks he’s an extraordinary kid.
However, part of me really regrets having a kid because of the state of the world, especially climate change and our political refusal to do anything about it. I’m concerned about the rise of reality denialism. He will never have the ability to just focus on the things I took for granted for my entire life. We are in the midst of global species collapse and this baking summer may be the coolest for the rest of our lives. I feel terrible about bringing him into this situation, especially when so many people not only deny these things are happening but seem determined to make it all worse.
So, we’ll carry on. I have an extraordinary family with an abundance of love and a great life, full of art, music, literature, travel, and helping people in dire situations (I’m an immigration attorney, as well as a performing musician), etc. But for how long?
#33
I don't regret my kids. I regret allowing myself to have children with a loser. It's the biggest regret I have. I made a shitty choice for a partner, and my kids missed out on a good relationship with a real father. And I did it alone. But the kids, the were never the problem. My lack of love for myself was. I has no buisness messing around with him he had no goals nothing. I still feel so embarrassed and ashamed of my choices.
Colleen Glim 2 months ago
Whenever you get down on yourself for something like this, remember you wouldn’t have the awesome kids without the s****y partner
#34
No.
If I had the ability to live my life over, making any choices I want, I would not make a single choice which would jeopardize having exactly the kids I have now, just as they have turned out. I love my kids, I love being a dad, I love being part of a family.
#35
Got two of them now. 10 and 8 year old. They have absolutely shortened my lifespan. So I had some regrets but I found out I really like having them around. So things got better and I would hate not having them in my life now.
Alexandra 2 months ago
Maybe it's sometimes a matter of the stage the child is in. forFinstance, men tend to like children when they can talk and move independently; they don't like the baby-stage much. Equally, you might start to like your children more if they have moved out and have lives of their own.
#36
I don’t regret having my kids. I do, however, regret that I believed I had people who would be there, even with the distance.
When I got pregnant with my oldest child, I was swamped with well wishers and people telling me that they would be here for me.
My step-mom and my “momma” said they would take time off and travel the 600 miles to be with me around when I had her so I wasn’t alone and wouldn’t have to embark on motherhood blind… but that’s exactly what happened.
I had an induction date scheduled about a week before my due date for 3 days past my due date. I called my moms, I told them about the situation and both moms informed me that they wouldn’t be there (they didn’t meet my daughter until she was 5 months old). It was just my husband and I. And it’s always just been my husband and I since.
I don’t regret my children, I love them fiercely but I regret not going into this journey prepared to have no support system. I still, even almost 11 years later, still have people who dare utter the words that they are here if I need them, I don’t believe it anymore. I struggle with resenting those that do have a support system, I struggle with jealousy. It’s a difficult thing to live with. So yeah, I don’t regret my kids.
kansasmagic 2 months ago
This was kind of like what my wife experienced. She grew up believing that, one day, she *would* have a daughter, and when she did so her mom and grandma and sisters and aunt *would* gather together to help her raise this kid. Well, we didn't have a daughter, so my wife got to add gender disappointment to her list of ailments, and my MiL and other in-laws did not help much at all. She has cut people off for having daughters and helpful parents. All I can say is be careful with your "expectations" and don't *assume* that other people will fulfill some fantasy for you.
#37
Very much so.
I was 17 in 1979 when I got unexpectedly pregnant and was totally unprepared for what I was getting myself into. Long story short, I was a selfish, idiot teenager and didn’t give my children any kind of good start in life. My husband only married me so the kids could have his name, then he left. I raised them while on welfare, and I know I never gave them the attention and care that they needed.
I love my children, don’t get me wrong, but I should NOT have had them when I did. I ended up giving custody of my youngest three to my mother, then their father, but got them back when he passed away. I had a fourth before getting my tubes tied (best decision ever!) and I did keep him, and he’s turned out well. The other three, not so much. No surprise there.
It took me YEARS to figure out why I kept getting pregnant when I insisted on using condoms. My late ex-husband had to have been poking holes in them. It never once occurred to me at the time. I was such an idiot.
If I could have had my children in my late 20s, when I began to really mature as I remember it, I wouldn’t regret it at all and would have given them such a better start in life and raised them with so much more attention and concern for their future. As it is, all I can do now is help them as much as they’ll let me. I certainly understand why they don’t want much to do with me.
#38
I have very mixed feelings about it. I wish my parents hadn’t had me. How’s that for a twist? They don’t regret it but I do. At least they’d never admit to me they regret it. Would you tell your kid that?
People have children for mostly selfish reasons. Evidenced by the fact that some who live amid disease and squalor who can’t feed themselves and who also have ‘homes’ in environments that are an absolute hazard for children continue having them. Why? (That is a question here on Quora)
I love my daughter, of course. I’d take a bullet for her without hesitation. But I’ve also passed-on some truly detrimental DNA to her. Mental illness and cancer runs in my family. I have survived cancer once and live in fear of it returning. I have mental problems and depression ruins my life daily. These things I stupidly decided to chance passing on to my child.
People don’t think about the possible quality of life for their future children when they’re in the bedroom satisfying their own selfish needs. Or even when they choose to have a child - they mostly ignore what is right outside waiting for their child to face growing up.
#39
Yes very much. I love my children. They were all the result of planned and wanted pregnancies.
When I caught my narcissistic evil ex cheating? Actually caught caught him I was pregnant with our forth. I
He and and his weathy and politically powerful family decided that I must be destroyed
This began29 years of custody disputes, accusations of drug used (again me of course) his family kidnappi g children, his family refusing to return children , physical abuse directed at me as well as the children .He would have a literal tantrum and beat the children to get back at me.
His family involved Child protective services in four counties. There were multiple custody evaluation supervised exchanges and several attempts to have our utilities turned off.
I basically had to teach myself to practice family law because I could feed my kids or pay an attorney.
I wouldn't say I was totally innocent I called CPS a time or two myself like the time Stevie our only male child returned home with second and third degree burns
This all went on until the youngest was 18.
The end results one child driven crazy he has been In and out.of institutions and has made several suicide attempts
One child refuses to talk to either of us. One moved to the other side of the country, she and I are still close. The last one the youngests ls functional if you overlooke the fact she is a habitual liar who learned that she can get whatever she wants if she makes up the right story
I love my children but if I could do it over I would never have brought them into the world to have been in the middle of what their father and his family pulled them Into
Lyoness 2 months ago
Sadly those end results are because of what they had to go through as children. As a kid you don't understand why your parents are fighting or why you're being abused, all you know is that it feels like your fault. They're angry, and rightly so. It's not the Mom's fault, but her children don't see it that way. I hope she keeps trying and encourages her kids to get some help. Family therapy with anyone willing to go would also be a good idea.
#40
I wouldn't be here without my kids. We all have mental health issues ( depression, ptsd) but we still make sure we find something to laugh about and be grateful about every day. When each of us are alone at night, the tears come and the anxiety, however because we made a promise to talk openly and to try and laugh every day, we, re still here. They are my life and even with our problems, I wouldn't change a thing about them. They struggle so have empathy for others, they're incredibly kind and have somehow kept their amazing sense of humour. I am the luckiest mum on the planet ( well that's what my kids said!)
#41
my children are the best thing in my life (i have a great career as well, many friends). they’ve brought me through many a bad moment, and now that they’re all doing well, i bask in their successes.
and in the love of my grandchildren and my great-grandson. many many blessings.
#42
No, not in the least bit. I feel like fatherhood injected a meaning into my life that it didn't have before. I utterly adore my two sons. My marriage failed, but it was worth it just for the fact that it gave me them. I am continuously thankful for them.
How a person reacts to becoming a parent is hard to predict. It really isn't for everyone. Some people who think they want it end up hating it, and some who are wary of it end up loving it. I was more on the wary side, but after getting married, we wanted kids. Once my first son came, I transformed. Everything became about him. When my second son came, it was ever more love.
I've been raising them as a single parent for many years now, and i consider it to be the most important part of my identity.
kansasmagic 2 months ago
See, this is what I'm missing. Practically speaking, fatherhood of course changes things. It's kind of amazing, actually, what *other people* assume you think or feel just because you are a parent. But I don't feel like fatherhood has given me a "meaning" or "purpose" that it didn't have before. Maybe that's just me, but I've always been that way. After I got married, for example, my closest uncle asked if I "felt different". I kind of scoffed and said, no, I'm the same person I was before I got married. No magic for me!
#43
Now that my kids are growth and having kids of their own, I am enormously happy to have had them. Now I can enjoy them as parents and enjoy my grandchildren as the wonderful kids they are.
#44
I genuinely do not know.
I’ve never wanted kids. I like them (my favorite job yet was as a science education intern at the Oregon Museum of Science and Industry), but I’ve always preferred to be the “aunt”, able to hand them back to their parents when they need discipline or when their time with me is done. I’m not sure I’d be a great mom, either, having chronic illness that saps my energy.
But I’m also trans. And I get pregnancy dysphoria. It hurts that I can’t get pregnant.
Would I have a different opinion if I’d been born with a uterus, or if I were a decade or two younger and could look forward to a uterus transplant? I can’t say. It’s not a hypothetical I can really game out. Too much would be different. Maybe I would have come to the same conclusion. Maybe much of my aversion to having kids of my own is the desire to bear them myself. Maybe if I were the one carrying them for nine months I’d be willing to make the sacrifices necessary.
As it is, I think it’s for the best that I didn’t. But there are too many “What ifs?” to truly say I don’t regret it.
#45
I regret that I was not mentally stable enough to understand someone like me shouldn't have children. I love my children dearly, and tried my best, but my failings unfortunately left them almost as scarred as I was at the tender early adult years they're at, from basically marrying my abuser in a different person, unknowingly exposing them to just as terrible a person. I believe in reincarnation and feel they would have been better off with someone else. However, I'm not sad they exist. And maybe having a shit mother is a lesson they needed in this lifetime, if my beliefs are true.
My oldest has the huntingtons gene though. I DO regret having him, because I know what's coming now that I did my research. I know it's not going to be pretty, and id rather have death by a thousand cuts and broken bones than watch him suffer. He didn't deserve this and certainly doesn't deserve what's coming.
#46
I never wanted children. I never wanted to be married, either.
I had always disliked children, especially OTHER children when I was a child. They were loud, cruel, misbehaved, and selfish. That was my belief since age three, when I was constantly traumatized by horrible children.
I had a very difficult life. I had multiple instances of being assaulted, being disparaged, and being kept from opportunity because of my sex. The one thing I feared most was depending on a man for—anything.
So, I got married young and had children. Haha. True story.
I do not regret either. Yes I depend on my husband. BUT—I don’t NEED to depend on him. That seems to be a subtle difference, but really it isn’t. I choose to depend on him. Yes, I love my children. It turns out that loud, cruel, ignorant kids are MADE, not born. Teach and raise your children differently, you get a different result. Also, they are very bright, fortunately—this means I never needed to have the patience of a saint to teach them. Because I don’t have the patience of a saint.
BUT—and I knew this prior to making my life choices—my career was damaged by raising my own children. I am going to say something that may sound obnoxious or arrogant, but it is true: When we as a society punish the most intelligent, most conscientious, the most pro-civic women when they reproduce—and make no mistake, women who breed are punished with VERY serious consequences to our ability to gain academic, career, political, and intellectual recognition or advancement—we are screwing over our society and our gene pool. We must stop punishing women for reproducing. That “career gap” or that derailment of the “academic track” is costing society big time.
No I do not regret having children. But more importantly, YOU won’t regret my children. Because they are poised to save your life (son), and save your business (daughter) and we must have competent young people or society is gone. When smart women decide not to breed, we will have consequences.
Kat Lineker 2 months ago
Great post! I agree with you 100%. If the world wants us to have babies, it needs to make it easier. Maternity leave. Preschool. Things like that.
#47
It is my biggest regret in life. First wife and I tried but were not successful. This perhaps contributed to our divorce. That, along with her screwing her ex boyfriend lol. Second wife and I been married 25 years. When we got married, she wanted to wait. Her two sons were 8, 10. I guess she waited too long and now we both too old.
Will always be my biggest regret. I have a great relationship with older stepson. Younger one a useless POS. Glad I had them, really one in my life but just not the same.
#48
I've had two children and have no regrets, despite what happened.
Our first child was born with a congenital heart defect. Even with emergency surgery, he died 36 hours later. I had waited ten years for him.
Our second child was born. The doctors suspected another heart defect, and he was quickly whisked off to Children's Hospital, 100 miles away. I could not leave until I had recovered from childbirth.
When I finally got to hold him, two days later, I simply held him the entire day, as we spent the day together in a rocking chair.
What a delight he was to us, our families, and to all who knew him. He was exceedingly bright, witty, and caring. At age 36, he got glioblastoma, and sixteen months later he died. Once again, my life ended.
If I never had children, I would have been spared living with two gaping holes in my heart. The grief never really ends. But I would have also missed precious and joyous memories of my children, 36 hours from one and 38 years from the other. Those memories have made me rich.
Someday we will dance together in Heaven, but not today. God still has things for me to do. But until that day we dance together again, there is room for both grief and joy to dwell together in my heart. I thank God for both of my children.
#49
I was considered the least likely to marry, be a homemaker, or have kids of the three of us girls in my family. I wasn’t much of a homebody and I love traveling. I also wasn’t very stable in terms of relationships or staying in college or keeping a job. But, at 23, I made the decision to settle down and have a family. I turned out to have two birth children and an adopted son and I was not only a stay-at-home mom and a homebirther and a La Leche Leader (breastfeeding instructor) but I then homeschooled my children all the way through high school. Go figure; best decision I ever made.
There was one moment when I really though I had made a mistake, though. I had gotten pregnant (planned) with my first child and I loved being pregnant. But, as I hit my nine month, I become frightened that I would not enjoy having a child. I had been the baby of my family and, quite frankly, other people’s kids rather annoyed me. One day I ran into this Greek man in a store who raved about my being a glowing pregnant woman and said how excited I must be that soon I would be a mother. I looked at him rather glumly, so he said, “Oh, but just think how you will enjoy brushing your little girl’s hair!” (I didn’t know I was going to have a girl). I looked at him like he was insane because I hated even brushing my own hair. Then, I had my baby and as I held her in my arms for the first time, I fell madly in love. Of course, the poor child never had well-brushed hair (unless her dad or auntie did the job), but all else about having a child worked out well.
Getting married and becoming a mother and a homemaker grounded me, gave me purpose, and the happiness of a family and a home. I did end up divorced after the children were grown and moved on to two different careers, but my life as a mother was truly worth its weight in gold and I still have three lovely children to share my life with. I feel very fortunate.
#50
I would not say I regretted having children, but I'm definitely disappointed in the end result. I grew up in an old fashioned and traditional Catholic family. My Father worked, and my Mother was a housewife, with each of those roles traditionally defined. I have 2 brothers and 2 Sisters, and quite frankly, it was not an ideal situation. No matter what happened, my Parents stuck it out, but nothing super serious ever happened. So we're talking over 60 years now of being married, and for a long time together, I wouldn't say they're very close at all. Myself also saw how my siblings had issues being married and having/not having children. So I simply wasn't gonna involve myself with anyone unless it just happened. I was 35 before “it" happened, and it was alright at first. But then the dreaded Dragon-in-law started causing all kinds of problems, and eventually, my Wife became my Ex-Wife. This was after we had already had 2 kids, but she didn't want them, and signed away her rights. So I suddenly became a single Father, which was not part of the plan. And here we are now, and my Ex has very little to do with our kids, and I am always struggling. I never wanted children unless everything fell in place, but it's now my responsibility only. I know how much different it would be if I hadn't said yes, and that's where the disappointment lays. Simply because it's impossible for a single person to get the job done of raising your children, along with everything else that needs to happen. It truly takes 2 (actually a lot more), and sure, there are a lot of single Parents out there, but deep down, most of them know the truth…
What do you think ?
Kari Panda 2 months ago
It‘s nice to see a post that portrays and acknowledges all variants - childfree people and those who want children, both who are happy with their decision and those who regret it. All choices are valid.
May 2 months ago
I feel like a few people in this list over interpret random people's judgement about you having or not a kid. Clearly depends on the society you live in of course, in my case aside from elder family members and or 'niche' religious groups and few masculinists, people wouldn't think much of it. It's rather parents who have 4+ kids while not being mentally or financially able take care of them that are universally (badly) judged.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Look, when trying to decide if you should have kids, will I regret having them is the wrong way to think about it, it's all about you. You need to ask if the kids will regret having you as a parent.
XenoMurph 2 months ago
Why the binary choice about regret? there are a million other choices, some of which include love and joy.
Load More Replies... Sand Ers 2 months ago
I knew at 13 that I should not have children. That hasn’t changed, and the reasons haven’t changed. I’m finally old enough that people have stopped telling me I’ll change my mind some day.
Sophia Athene 1 month ago
The only reason I look forward to getting older. I was about 15 when I knew w/o a doubt I didn't want kids. I'm tired of being judged for not having them. People try to couch it in nice terms but you just can't. I think I've said this on BP before but anyhow, my mom proudly took me around to meet her colleagues after I graduated with my doctorate. I still want to kick in that old man's teeth who said I can now concentrate on giving my mom grandbabies. Forget that she already had 2 at the time. At a church fellowship 20 yrs ago, I was talking to this guy in my Sunday school class & having kids came up. He said he wants kids so his legacy will pass on and I'm being selfish not having kids. I stayed calm and explained that MY legacy will be what I TEACH all the students who will come through my classroom for 4 decades. I also said he was selfish for forcing a child into this world to feed his need of a biological legacy and turned back around to my husband with a giant smile on my face.
Load More Replies... brittany 2 months ago
i love my kids and i regret having them. i see the world they are living in and the awfulness of people and it breaks me that they never got a say in if they wanted to live through all of this. my middle child is disabled and will need someone to care for him for the rest of his life. his disability didnt develop until he was older, we had no idea. who will care for him when i am gone? will they be kind to him? will he understand when im gone? i regret having kids, i didnt want this for them and i wish i had thought about more than just what i wanted. it was the most selfish thing ive ever done and it makes me sick to my stomach
Ellinor 2 months ago
I don't get why you were downvoted, what you feel is perfectly valid.
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CP 2 months ago (edited)
I was always a guy who didn't care if he had kids or not and left it up to whomever I fell in love with. I got married had kids and got divorced. I don't regret having my children at all. It is an amazing thing trying to raise children into hopefully well adjusted adults. Admittedly after the divorce there have been times I thought it would be easier to not have had kids but can't do anything about that now. My two boys are here and I love them!
Kelly Scott 2 months ago
I have so many thoughts about these people. I see many dads who say they have no regrets about having kids. As I know very few fathers who are primary caregivers when it comes to kids, I wonder what their response would be if they were the ones having to do all the work: feeding, getting up in the middle of the night multiple times, going without sleep, changing diapers, along with cleaning the house, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. Having kids is wonderful if all you do is get them when they're clean and smiling and can give them back to Mom for everything else. The other thing I like to say to all these women saying they "fell instantly in love with their babies". Those are hormones and not any divine intervention. That's what hormones are for. Sometimes they kick in early, sometimes they kick in late. But it's just hormones working like they're supposed to.
Guess Undheit 2 months ago
It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids who grow up feeling that resentment or grow up hurt. MANY women in the past never wanted kids, society gave them no choice (e.g. marital rape was often legal, women couldn't have bank accounts or own property, women could be fired for no reason, marriage was pretty much "required" by society). The number of Childfree people today is likely the same number it has always been, a LOT of them. The only difference now is people have protected rights and financial options.
The Phantom Stranger 2 months ago
My wife and I, through a number of reasons more down to circumstance than conscious choice, never had children of our own. I love what our life together has been, so I wouldn't say I feel regret so much as sometimes wondering what might have been. I've been very fortunate, however, to have two wonderful goddaughters in my life. The first, now 26, was a nerdy little child genius from the moment she was born--she would make Sheldon Cooper look like an underachiever--who now works for a highly respected governmental R&D agency. The second, just shy of 3 years old, is an absolute ray of sunshine and I can't wait to watch her grow up. So, vicarious second-hand parenting for me, I guess.
Lyoness 2 months ago
The day I realised how much I regret having kids was probably the worst day of my life. I love them both and always will. They've brought so much to our family, and without them my partner and I would be different people. But here's the thing: Our daughter has been so spoiled by her grandparents (and we've allowed her to be, so that's our fault) that she feels entitled to things it took us years to own. I worked my way through school with 2 jobs. All of her education, tuition, room and board were paid for. She has no debt. She's now 22 with her first job and seems incapable of understanding of why it's necessary. She pays no rent and contributes nothing to the house, not even the occasional loaf of bread. I don't like her, and I recognise my own role in the person she became. Continued.
Lyoness 2 months ago
And our son is a very high needs disabled child who will never develop beyond the abilities of 6 month old. He'll need full time care for the rest of his life. We will never retire. We don't get breaks. We have to find a way to save enough for his care once we're gone and it's terrifying to think about what will happen to him. Given the chance I would NEVER choose to procreate. If I could talk to my younger self I'd warn her how bad it would get and would still be child free.
Load More Replies... kansasmagic 2 months ago (edited)
I don't regret having kids - it's too late to go back now! - but I never *wanted* kids. I've never had much of a family orientation, at least since adolescence. And of course I've been told many times that I would "feel differently" as I got older. But I don't feel differently. I never had that sense (that some of the people above write about) of "no deeper love" or "another part of my heart opening up" or whatever. My first thoughts upon meeting my brand-new children were more along the lines of "well, s**t, what have I gotten myself into?" I like my kids, but more so as they have grown and turned into their own little selves. My kids are much more interesting at 13 than when they were newborns, even if they are also more annoying!
Aline 2 months ago
There is something wrong with people with serious regret about any one thing. They usually proecy all kinds of things on it, but if you look back on your life and think anything more strongly than oh, that would have been nice, you've wasted your life and are just looking for a magic bullet to blame.
B 2 months ago
If anyone has any reservations whatsoever about whether or not to have children, I highly recommend they read the novel (it's a thriller) titled 10:59 by N. R. Baker. In fact, it should be essential reading for every high school kid out there. Brilliant and insightful and very, very frightening.
Sven Horlemann 2 months ago
As you can see, it all depends. I like that there are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned reading through the experiences... and the comments.
Leebo13 2 months ago
I was never cut out for parenting being asexual and aromantic, but I don't live my life worrying about the what ifs or anything else, my sister has 2 great kids I'm able to play a part in their lives if, for people in my situation if you feel you want to add to the gene pool there are is a way around it in the form of fertility clinics, but I can rest assured that the human race is carrying on pretty well.
Doodles1983 2 months ago
I chose not to have kids in my early teens. (Now 40.) My sister had 2 boys when I was 12 and 14. And my mum had an "accident" when I was 13. They were both ill and depressed for 2-3 years. And my sisters marriage broke down. So, guess who became responsible for three kids under 3? Just because I haven't had kids. Doesn't mean I haven't RAISED kids. I then swore to not partner with someone who had kids. My partner, snoring away next to me... has 2 daughters. But, their mother went down the route of child alienation (I actively encouraged him to fight it) and we don't see them. I'm sad for him. I hurt for him. I dread the say they may come knocking. Most likely for money for further education. But I'm also relieved I don't have to see them. Because their mother is a (proven in court) narcissistic liar and one kid was already on that road and I would have crumbled. She refused and version of co-parenting. And tried to smear him in court. I did at better job at catching her out than his solicitors. She was court-ordered to put them back in contact. And she breached it. He won't pick it back up because he now feels it's the kids rejecting him (when it's his ex-wife's influence.) One huge messy reason I'm glad I never had them. And I'm glad I don't have them disrupting our time. I know he misses them. He talks about them. But they're "frozen" from babies to 9 and 12. They're now 12 and 15. As it goes. I don't regret not having my own. We have 4 cats and a dog. And I worry about what might happen to them in today's world, let alone what the next generation or two will be facing.
Kari Panda 2 months ago
It‘s nice to see a post that portrays and acknowledges all variants - childfree people and those who want children, both who are happy with their decision and those who regret it. All choices are valid.
May 2 months ago
I feel like a few people in this list over interpret random people's judgement about you having or not a kid. Clearly depends on the society you live in of course, in my case aside from elder family members and or 'niche' religious groups and few masculinists, people wouldn't think much of it. It's rather parents who have 4+ kids while not being mentally or financially able take care of them that are universally (badly) judged.
FreeTheUnicorn 2 months ago
Look, when trying to decide if you should have kids, will I regret having them is the wrong way to think about it, it's all about you. You need to ask if the kids will regret having you as a parent.
XenoMurph 2 months ago
Why the binary choice about regret? there are a million other choices, some of which include love and joy.
Load More Replies... Sand Ers 2 months ago
I knew at 13 that I should not have children. That hasn’t changed, and the reasons haven’t changed. I’m finally old enough that people have stopped telling me I’ll change my mind some day.
Sophia Athene 1 month ago
The only reason I look forward to getting older. I was about 15 when I knew w/o a doubt I didn't want kids. I'm tired of being judged for not having them. People try to couch it in nice terms but you just can't. I think I've said this on BP before but anyhow, my mom proudly took me around to meet her colleagues after I graduated with my doctorate. I still want to kick in that old man's teeth who said I can now concentrate on giving my mom grandbabies. Forget that she already had 2 at the time. At a church fellowship 20 yrs ago, I was talking to this guy in my Sunday school class & having kids came up. He said he wants kids so his legacy will pass on and I'm being selfish not having kids. I stayed calm and explained that MY legacy will be what I TEACH all the students who will come through my classroom for 4 decades. I also said he was selfish for forcing a child into this world to feed his need of a biological legacy and turned back around to my husband with a giant smile on my face.
Load More Replies... brittany 2 months ago
i love my kids and i regret having them. i see the world they are living in and the awfulness of people and it breaks me that they never got a say in if they wanted to live through all of this. my middle child is disabled and will need someone to care for him for the rest of his life. his disability didnt develop until he was older, we had no idea. who will care for him when i am gone? will they be kind to him? will he understand when im gone? i regret having kids, i didnt want this for them and i wish i had thought about more than just what i wanted. it was the most selfish thing ive ever done and it makes me sick to my stomach
Ellinor 2 months ago
I don't get why you were downvoted, what you feel is perfectly valid.
Load More Replies... CP 2 months ago (edited)
I was always a guy who didn't care if he had kids or not and left it up to whomever I fell in love with. I got married had kids and got divorced. I don't regret having my children at all. It is an amazing thing trying to raise children into hopefully well adjusted adults. Admittedly after the divorce there have been times I thought it would be easier to not have had kids but can't do anything about that now. My two boys are here and I love them!
Kelly Scott 2 months ago
I have so many thoughts about these people. I see many dads who say they have no regrets about having kids. As I know very few fathers who are primary caregivers when it comes to kids, I wonder what their response would be if they were the ones having to do all the work: feeding, getting up in the middle of the night multiple times, going without sleep, changing diapers, along with cleaning the house, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. Having kids is wonderful if all you do is get them when they're clean and smiling and can give them back to Mom for everything else. The other thing I like to say to all these women saying they "fell instantly in love with their babies". Those are hormones and not any divine intervention. That's what hormones are for. Sometimes they kick in early, sometimes they kick in late. But it's just hormones working like they're supposed to.
Guess Undheit 2 months ago
It's better to regret not having kids than to regret having kids who grow up feeling that resentment or grow up hurt. MANY women in the past never wanted kids, society gave them no choice (e.g. marital rape was often legal, women couldn't have bank accounts or own property, women could be fired for no reason, marriage was pretty much "required" by society). The number of Childfree people today is likely the same number it has always been, a LOT of them. The only difference now is people have protected rights and financial options.
The Phantom Stranger 2 months ago
My wife and I, through a number of reasons more down to circumstance than conscious choice, never had children of our own. I love what our life together has been, so I wouldn't say I feel regret so much as sometimes wondering what might have been. I've been very fortunate, however, to have two wonderful goddaughters in my life. The first, now 26, was a nerdy little child genius from the moment she was born--she would make Sheldon Cooper look like an underachiever--who now works for a highly respected governmental R&D agency. The second, just shy of 3 years old, is an absolute ray of sunshine and I can't wait to watch her grow up. So, vicarious second-hand parenting for me, I guess.
Lyoness 2 months ago
The day I realised how much I regret having kids was probably the worst day of my life. I love them both and always will. They've brought so much to our family, and without them my partner and I would be different people. But here's the thing: Our daughter has been so spoiled by her grandparents (and we've allowed her to be, so that's our fault) that she feels entitled to things it took us years to own. I worked my way through school with 2 jobs. All of her education, tuition, room and board were paid for. She has no debt. She's now 22 with her first job and seems incapable of understanding of why it's necessary. She pays no rent and contributes nothing to the house, not even the occasional loaf of bread. I don't like her, and I recognise my own role in the person she became. Continued.
Lyoness 2 months ago
And our son is a very high needs disabled child who will never develop beyond the abilities of 6 month old. He'll need full time care for the rest of his life. We will never retire. We don't get breaks. We have to find a way to save enough for his care once we're gone and it's terrifying to think about what will happen to him. Given the chance I would NEVER choose to procreate. If I could talk to my younger self I'd warn her how bad it would get and would still be child free.
Load More Replies... kansasmagic 2 months ago (edited)
I don't regret having kids - it's too late to go back now! - but I never *wanted* kids. I've never had much of a family orientation, at least since adolescence. And of course I've been told many times that I would "feel differently" as I got older. But I don't feel differently. I never had that sense (that some of the people above write about) of "no deeper love" or "another part of my heart opening up" or whatever. My first thoughts upon meeting my brand-new children were more along the lines of "well, s**t, what have I gotten myself into?" I like my kids, but more so as they have grown and turned into their own little selves. My kids are much more interesting at 13 than when they were newborns, even if they are also more annoying!
Aline 2 months ago
There is something wrong with people with serious regret about any one thing. They usually proecy all kinds of things on it, but if you look back on your life and think anything more strongly than oh, that would have been nice, you've wasted your life and are just looking for a magic bullet to blame.
B 2 months ago
If anyone has any reservations whatsoever about whether or not to have children, I highly recommend they read the novel (it's a thriller) titled 10:59 by N. R. Baker. In fact, it should be essential reading for every high school kid out there. Brilliant and insightful and very, very frightening.
Sven Horlemann 2 months ago
As you can see, it all depends. I like that there are a lot of valuable lessons to be learned reading through the experiences... and the comments.
Leebo13 2 months ago
I was never cut out for parenting being asexual and aromantic, but I don't live my life worrying about the what ifs or anything else, my sister has 2 great kids I'm able to play a part in their lives if, for people in my situation if you feel you want to add to the gene pool there are is a way around it in the form of fertility clinics, but I can rest assured that the human race is carrying on pretty well.
Doodles1983 2 months ago
I chose not to have kids in my early teens. (Now 40.) My sister had 2 boys when I was 12 and 14. And my mum had an "accident" when I was 13. They were both ill and depressed for 2-3 years. And my sisters marriage broke down. So, guess who became responsible for three kids under 3? Just because I haven't had kids. Doesn't mean I haven't RAISED kids. I then swore to not partner with someone who had kids. My partner, snoring away next to me... has 2 daughters. But, their mother went down the route of child alienation (I actively encouraged him to fight it) and we don't see them. I'm sad for him. I hurt for him. I dread the say they may come knocking. Most likely for money for further education. But I'm also relieved I don't have to see them. Because their mother is a (proven in court) narcissistic liar and one kid was already on that road and I would have crumbled. She refused and version of co-parenting. And tried to smear him in court. I did at better job at catching her out than his solicitors. She was court-ordered to put them back in contact. And she breached it. He won't pick it back up because he now feels it's the kids rejecting him (when it's his ex-wife's influence.) One huge messy reason I'm glad I never had them. And I'm glad I don't have them disrupting our time. I know he misses them. He talks about them. But they're "frozen" from babies to 9 and 12. They're now 12 and 15. As it goes. I don't regret not having my own. We have 4 cats and a dog. And I worry about what might happen to them in today's world, let alone what the next generation or two will be facing.
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