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“What’s The Most Memorable Comeback You’ve Heard In Your Life?”: 50 People Share Witty Stories
Think of a comeback as a holy grail of enviable wit, ultrasonic reaction and perfect timing combined at once. If it’s good, it sizzles the person like a Sunday barbecue, stripping them down to the bone where all their initial coolness has evaporated.
But it’s easier said than done. You see, making a clapback is somewhat of a form of art and we'd better learn from the best ones. So when someone asked “What’s the most memorable comeback you’ve heard in your life?” on r/AskReddit, we knew it was time to take the notebooks out.
2.6k comments later, we have some of the best responses from people who were lucky to witness a master comeback. Oh, that sweet feeling knowing you weren’t the target...
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#1
Saw this one on a medical sub awhile back:
This woman has just given birth and tore a bit, and the father was in the delivery room while the nurse stitched her up.
The father “jokingly” said, “Be sure and stitch her up nice and tight for me down there m lol”
Without missing a beat the nurse said, “Just how small do you need it to be, sir?!”
She was a legend on the floor for that lol
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#2
A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.
#3
My dad and I were at a farming expo. I have a bunch of chickens. This presenter, a chicken-owning expert, is droning on about how stupid chickens are, and I'm getting annoyed. I know they're not clever, but you can teach them basic tricks. And even if they are stupid, okay, fine, but I came here to learn something, please.
My dad, without missing a beat, after this woman says they're dumb for the fourth time: "I think chickens take on the personalities of their owners."
#4
Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for “not knowing how to live without technology” and without looking up she went “don’t you have a pacemaker?”.
#5
“Ladies, I like my vagina shaved”
“Then shave your vagina, Bill.”
#6
My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn't know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said "dude, why don't you pull your pants up?" Pantsed guy said "I didn't pull them down." Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend's pants back up.
#7
Young pregnant co-worker had a stranger stare disapproving at her in a restaurant, then walk up and say "pregnancy isn't very becoming on you." She replied "well, being a nosey rude b**ch isn't becoming on you, but here we are."
#8
Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”.
#9
My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, "Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don't forget this". My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, "Oh we won't forget. We're going to tell them to go get grandpa!" Haa haaa haaa...I love that gal.
#10
I overheard a toddler crying at the store. Mom, annoyed, said to him “stop crying! You sound like a little girl!”… sibling (girl) told mom: “He’s not crying like a little girl. He’s crying like a kid.”
BURRRRNNN.
#11
My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her “yeah, I am.”
#12
My uncle to my husband. "When are you guys having a kid?"
My husband. "Please don't ask me about my sex life with your niece"
#13
I don't care if it's self-congratulatory, I'm proud of this one:
Having dinner with my dad and older sister. I got straight As in school or something, and she's doing the older sibling thing.
Sister: You may have gotten the book smarts in this family, but *I* got the street smarts.
Me: The corner doesn't count.
Dad: *chokes whiles laughing*
#14
Random guy: “Kiss my a*s!”
My mom: “If it looks anything like your face, forget it!”
#15
I like the one from Aliens where the male private asks the somewhat butch woman “have you ever been mistaken for a man?” And she answers “no. Have you?”
#16
My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying “ that’s because I actually have something worth protecting”
#17
Whilst training in the British army we went out for a few drinks and every unit has that one Bell-end that thinks he's god's gift to women. Ours spots a really good looking girl at the bar, he announces to us all watch the master at work.
He proceeds over to the bar next to the girl and says " I've got the biggest d*ck you'll ever see and will give you the time of your life." The girl responds as quick as a flash " is it really big?" He says yeah
She asks if it reaches his a*s?
Him being the as**ole that he is responds "of course it does"
She comes back with "great you can go and f*ck yourself then."
He ran off like his a*s was on fire and we all bought the girls drinks for the rest of the night and told her she was our hero.
#18
Someone asked a friend of mine if they were gay.
He said, "If you'll excuse my rudeness in not answering your question, I'll excuse your rudeness for asking it."
I thought it was perfect.
#19
My most memorable comeback actually came from my own mouth (which is why I was memorable...)
My wife (then GF) was trying out perfumes in a store and I was trying to help, so I smelled one and presented it to my GF:
ME: 'i like this one'
HER: 'No, it's too sweet, I'll get tired of it quickly'
ME: 'you're very sweet and I'm not getting tired of tou'
Old lady passing by: 'honey, marry this one'
#20
My best friend was being made fun of by a (straight) dude for being a lesbian and having a girlfriend, and I (a very protective friend) looked him dead in the eyes and said, "At least she can get a girl."
wow that's fantastic 3 years ago (edited)
i don't know why ppl must be THAT homophobic, sure you can disagree but hate is wrong (editing due to the fact that ppl didn't get what i meant, i'm saying that you can feel heterosexuality is better but don't hate, and i did not specify that you should spread your disagreements to the homosexual couple, butseriously though)
#21
One of my favorites is one I told my sister.
Her: If I had a nickel for every time you swore, I would be a millionaire.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time you pissed me off I would put them in a bag and hit you with it.
My mom spit out her drink from laughing.
#22
5th-grader on the playground, to a kindergartener: "Santa's not real!"
Kindergartner to 5th grader: "Santa's real, he brings me presents every year. If he doesnt bring you presents, maybe you should think about why."
#23
At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt “what do you wear under that skirt?” The guy did not skip a beat and said “your mother’s lip stick.” I f**king laughed and so did the guys buddies. He was so shook.
#24
This one came from me. I was 7 months pregnant and HUGE. While heading to my car some random dude stopped me and rubbed my stomach while asking when I was due.
I rubbed his stomach and asked him when he was due.
Foxxy (The Original) 3 years ago
I just don't understand what possesses someone to go up to a stranger and start touching them. I just find it creepy and bizarre.
#25
My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE!
Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??
Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new.
It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.
#26
I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
Ty Stratton-Quirk 3 years ago
You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make 'em think.
#27
I used the line from the movie Iron Eagle once on a bully at school that actually seemed to help. Using the kids name when he shoved me against some lockers I said so everyone in the hallway could hear:
“What’s your problem, Rory? Can’t you get through a single day without proving what an as**ole you are?”
He stammered and shrugged and walked always and never really bothered me again.
Brian Bennett 3 years ago
Had this done to me, but as I fell my leg came up got him square in the balls. There i said you can call me NUT CRUSHER from now on thank you. Crawled away never bothered me again either.
#28
My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they're little, and it's a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don't always want the attention.
Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn't up for that, so she wasn't really participating.
This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid "Your sister is so much prettier than you are." Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that b*tch dead in the eyes and said "And you're so much fatter than my sister is, too."
My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.
#29
I used to work with a very conservative, very angry older man who would get triggered if you did not agree with him. Like red face angry. He would always equate my age to being less intelligent than him. I forget what we were talking about . But he went on about how he was wiser given his age. I simply said if you’re so smart then why the hell are we both doing the same job? He did not have an answer for me. And then I felt bad afterwards for having said it.
WilvanderHeijden 3 years ago
The old guy deserved it so there's no reason to feel bad. Being older doesn't necessarily mean that you're wiser or more skilled in your job.
#30
Regrettably, a secondhand telling. One of my favorite bars in Chicago (Galway Bay) has several Irish bartenders, and gets its fair share of tourists. At the earliest hint of an Irish accent, this particular tourist can't resist... "I've been to Ireland. Amazing place. What part of Ireland are you from?"
Bartender - "I'm from (wherever), but I've moved around a bit"
Tourist - "My great grandfather was from (somewhere place unrelated to bartender's hometown). He was a farrier. Do you know what a farrier is?"
B - "Aye, they shoe horses" [a bit agitated at the dull conversation]
T - "Have you ever shoed a horse?"
B - "Never shooed a horse, but I've told a donkey to f**k off once."
#31
This will get buried, but after 2 weeks of a blockhead coming in late in high school, the teacher openly warns him in front of the class “I’m going to mark you truant if you’re late again.” So he goes “what does that mean?” And my quiet ass pops up and says “it means you’re late and also need a dictionary” and I had the whole class going, teacher popped a smirk. I am still proud.
Katie Andrews 3 years ago
And as a now-retired teacher, I've said "thank you, I couldn't say it, but you sure can".
#32
I asked my mum out of curiosity what she would do if she found a used condom in my brother's room.
Her response: "I would remind him that you can't get HIV from your own hand"
For context, I live in South Africa where HIV is very common
#33
I worked with an older gentleman who was from Chicago. He had a story or an opinion on everything and he was very proud of his smack talking talents.
The entire department was walking off to a meeting and, as it was summer and many of us were wearing shorts, somehow the topic shifted to the lack of hair on somebody's legs. Mr Smack Talker spouted out the comment that "hair don't grow on dead things." All I had to do was look at his head and arch an eyebrow. He had let the fact that he was quite bald escape his memory.
#34
Somewhere on this planet, there is a tree that has spent it's entire life creating the oxygen you breathe. You should find that tree and apologize.
#35
"Your mom's a wh*re!"
"AND YOUR DAD'S A CUSTOMER!"
Funniest s**t I've ever heard.
#36
A kid in high school tried to insult me by pointing out my long hair. "Yo guy, you have long-a*s hair". I proceeded to follow him around asking him how he knew about my long ass hairs. He quickly started backtracking and saying he was not gay.
#37
We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, “At least people like when I open my mouth!” Entire class lost their s**t including the teacher.
#38
Bully: You're a piece of s**t
Kid that was get bullied: and you're the rest of it
Ps: No one really liked this kid but after this he got mad respect.
#39
Old mans response to Hipster calling him a 'Boomer ars*hole'........
'If it weren't for ar*eholes like me, sh*t like you wouldn't exist'.
#40
“What are you even doing?”
“Minding my own f**king business, you should try it sometime.”
It was one of those moments where everyone around heard it and went, “ooooohhhh…” at the same time, and it has always stuck with me.
Kathryn Baylis 3 years ago (edited)
In my head, I heard that collective “Oooooohhh”, and it sounded like the crowd at a fireworks display (but without the follow up “Aaaahhhh”).
#41
Worked in a preschool years ago. Had this one kid who could be a real booger sometimes. Giving the other kids thumbs down, saying he didn't like them, absolutely devastating to the other kids. I was constantly hearing "Miss Bells, Isaac said he didn't like me!"
Then, Isaac made a fatal mistake. He tried it on a three year old girl.
Isaac: I don't like you!
Three Year Old: Well, my mommy LIKES me!
Shut him right up.
It was absolutely gorgeous and a little vicarious victory. The three year old was super sassy.
Maybe not as snappy as the other responses here, but I still chuckle at it to this day.
#43
My BIL made a joke about paying a doctor a couple bucks to add the “husband stitch.”
My SIL said “too bad we couldn’t afford to pay him to add the extra inches you need.”
#44
I had a co-worker who was a bit of a bully. He was an alumnus of William and Mary and wouldn't shut up about it. (We worked with plenty of people who went to better colleges than that, but nobody else was as obnoxious as this guy.) His daughter got into UVA, and I congratulated him because "it's every parent's dream that their kid does just a little bit better than they did."
#45
For some background, I’m gay. I decided to wear nail polish to school a while back and in my foods class I was washing dishes when another (straight, kind of a jerk) guy walks up to me and says “Oh… I’m sure you’ll have all the guys fawning of you” so I responded “I wish” and his expression was priceless. After the fact I told this to my friends and my best friend (who is lesbian) says that I should have said “Why, are you interested?”
#46
My own. A much shorter co-worker walked up to the desk, with two cute women, one on each arm, smiling at me, and said, "Jealous?".
I replied, "No, I never wanted to be short'. His face dropped, and the girls snickered.
#47
When I was working as a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on.
One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him
"You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you've come dressed as a c*nt".
He didn't talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.
#48
This was my mom. (My mom is a very sweet woman who loves all of us kids but also loves to joke around with us so this might sound mean but it's not and was a joke so please no rude comments about it. We were all old enough to know it was a joke. She the kind of woman who will be brought to tears from someone hitting her car then blaming her instead of standing up for herself.)
Now, I have two younger siblings, a sister and the youngest, a brother. Anyway, when we were younger my brother, who was in the annoying, no filter I'm going to say what I want, teen phase would tease my sister. (He too is not a bad guy now, but was a little brat at that age and will admit it. He would be the first, even at that age to knock a kid down for teasing any of his older sisters. Only he is allowed to lol).
This time they were going at it and he was teasing her about how she was the 'mistake' child and wasn't planned, etc. And she would retort that FedEx dropped him off. It was actually very funny to watch. My brother though was taking things a little too far and it was no longer funny but annoying to my sister when my mom came down, already over the constant fighting with them, and with a completely straight face pointed at me first, then my sister, than him, while saying about each of us.
"No, she was a surprise, she was unplanned, you were the mistake." and then calmly walked off to the kitchen to get a drink. My dad poked his head around the corned from the computer just stunned with his mouth open and about to laugh, my sister just died, my brother who couldn't help but smile also had to try and save himself from that savage burn but it was too late.
Best. Burn. Ever.
Kimberly Young 3 years ago
My mom always said that my sister was planned, I was a surprise, and my brother was a shock.
#49
I observed this walking to the men’s room at a bar in Nashville.
A legitimately cross-eyed man exiting the bathroom while someone else was walking in and they bumped into each other. It wasn’t anything serious. But it still lead to this exchange:
Cross-eyed man: Watch where you’re going! Non-Cross-eyed man: Go where you’re watching!
#50
"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last man on Earth!"
"B**ch, if I was the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in line!"
What do you think ?
Full of Giggles 3 years ago (edited)
My ex-husband and I were eating at a bar one night. It’s important to note that I was morbidly obese at the time. I was in the middle of eating a hamburger when an extremely drunk guy stumbles up to our table and yells “look everyone! We’ve got a cannibal over here!” Everyone stops and looks at each other like “wtf is he talking about?” He then leans in and whispers, “you know? You are what you eat? You’re a cow. You’re eating your kind.” Without missing a beat my husband deadpans, “Wow. You must eat a lot of d**k and ass.”
IlovemydogShilo 3 years ago
There was a girl in my class who always had a boyfriend, sometimes more than one at a time. She was making fun of me one day for not having one at all and bragging how she always had one. "It must be always frustrating to know that boys will always go for me and not you" was one of her remarks". To which I replied " that's because boys always prefer the cheaper and easier option."! Even our old English teacher laughed at that one.
Ka Se 3 years ago
This kind of behavior usually pinpoint to some poroblems somebody has. Probably the girl was grieving for love and acceptance. Well, well, teenage years...
Load More Replies...
B 3 years ago
At college I wandered into another class to speak to a friend of mine. The class hadn't started yet. So we were talking when the lecturer came in. I started heading out and the teacher turned to me and said all sarcastically, 'I'm sorry, are you in this class?' I looked around the room and then replied, also perhaps a tad sarcastically, ' At the moment, yes.' I got into a lot of trouble for that. :(
Full of Giggles 3 years ago (edited)
My ex-husband and I were eating at a bar one night. It’s important to note that I was morbidly obese at the time. I was in the middle of eating a hamburger when an extremely drunk guy stumbles up to our table and yells “look everyone! We’ve got a cannibal over here!” Everyone stops and looks at each other like “wtf is he talking about?” He then leans in and whispers, “you know? You are what you eat? You’re a cow. You’re eating your kind.” Without missing a beat my husband deadpans, “Wow. You must eat a lot of d**k and ass.”
IlovemydogShilo 3 years ago
There was a girl in my class who always had a boyfriend, sometimes more than one at a time. She was making fun of me one day for not having one at all and bragging how she always had one. "It must be always frustrating to know that boys will always go for me and not you" was one of her remarks". To which I replied " that's because boys always prefer the cheaper and easier option."! Even our old English teacher laughed at that one.
Ka Se 3 years ago
This kind of behavior usually pinpoint to some poroblems somebody has. Probably the girl was grieving for love and acceptance. Well, well, teenage years...
Load More Replies... B 3 years ago
At college I wandered into another class to speak to a friend of mine. The class hadn't started yet. So we were talking when the lecturer came in. I started heading out and the teacher turned to me and said all sarcastically, 'I'm sorry, are you in this class?' I looked around the room and then replied, also perhaps a tad sarcastically, ' At the moment, yes.' I got into a lot of trouble for that. :(
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