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A well-timed joke can often be the perfect pick-me-up for the brain. An amusing little nugget that tickles your mind which you can share with others in the future. But, let's face it, if someone comes up to you and says “Tell me a joke!” most of us would just draw a blank. 

Someone in need of a laugh asked the internet “What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?” and netizens shared their best examples. So prepare a notepad and something to write with, get comfortable, upvote your favorites, and be sure to share your own best jokes in the comments below. 

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#1

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A taxi cab picks up a nun. The nun enters the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring. The nun asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you". "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me. "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping in sorrow. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!’’

AquaSeaPearl , Fotis Fotopoulos / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Pyla
Pyla
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

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#2

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Before the EU, a German tourist was entering France, when the border agent asked:

Agent, “Name?”.

German, “Heinrich Gruber.”.

Agent: “City of residence?”.

German: “Frankfurt.”.

Agent: “Occupation?”.

German: “No, just visiting.”.

Norm Keller , Danielle Rice / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Purple light
Purple light
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

The real joke here is the French agent speaking English...

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#3

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

Don’t mess with old people!

Helen Engel , Jonathan Cosens Photography / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Jrog
Jrog
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This is a very old joke, actively made worse by the unnecessary last line.

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One of the oldest jokes written down goes back nearly 4000 years. Etched on clay tablets, a Sumerian joke goes like this, "A dog, having entered an inn, did not see anything, (and so he said): 'Shall I open this (door)?'" Makes sense? Not really, at least to us. Indeed, the fact that our translations of Sumerian aren’t 100% exact has led some researchers to believe that this isn’t even a joke. 

Of course, more likely, there could be puns, innuendos, and details lost in translation that make it impossible for us to truly understand what this dog intended to communicate. After all, imagine showing an internet meme from this year to someone in 1998. The amount of context you might need to provide would be so daunting as to render the joke incomprehensible.
#4

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Four older men were playing golf. Three took turns at boasting about their sons, knowing the fourth son was gay, and having disparaging thoughts about him. The first chap says: My son has done extremely well this year. He has made such a pile that he was even able to make a friend a gift of a brand new house!

Wow, say the others.

The next father boasts, Well my boy this year did so well financially that he was able to give a friend a brand new Lamborghini!

Wow, say the others.

The third chap says: As for my son, this year he made so much extra money he was able to take a friend on a round-the-world cruise — they are still away!

Wow, say the others…respect!

The fourth father finally has a turn to speak. The other fathers stifle their laughter.

Well, as you know, my son is gay. And this year he has done so extremely well….one lover gave him a brand new house; another lover gave him a brand new Lamborghini; and the third lover has taken him away on a round-the-world cruise….he's still on it.

Silence.

Human Psychology Facts , Mick De Paola / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#5

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Jesus was walking around Heaven one day. In a small, secluded garden He saw an old man, crying. Alarmed, Jesus ran up to him and said, “Hey, now, what’s all this? This is paradise. There should be no tears or sorrow.”

The old man wiped away his tears and said, “Oh, I know. I’m sorry. But… well, many years ago, a son came to me through… well, let’s say ‘mysterious circumstances’. After many trials he went through a miraculous transformation, and a book was written about him that became known the world over. I thought I would find him here, but I haven’t. I’m afraid I’ll never see him again.”

Wide-eyed, Jesus looked at the man and said, “Wait a minute… You weren’t, by any chance… a carpenter, were you?”

The man looked up in surprise. “Why, yes. Yes, I was!”

Jesus burst into tears of joy and held out His arms saying, “Father!”

The man cocked his head doubtfully and said, “Pinocchio???”

David S , Kaushik Panchal / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#6

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tipoff, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week. Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?” The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.

Mario Lanza , Markus Winkler / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Of course, even if we don’t quite understand the joke itself, it’s pretty amusing to see that even thousands of years ago, people were still making jokes where folks were walking into bars. Even better, instead of the long-faced horse from “modern” anecdotes, the Sumerians were already envisioning dogs doing this job. 
#7

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He sits down, orders a drink and puts his bag on the bar.

The bartender says, “What do you have in the bag?”

The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, a piano stool and a tiny man. The little man jumps on the piano stool and begins playing.

The bartender says, “That’s pretty cool. Where did you get that?”

The guy reaches into the bag again and pulls out a brass lamp. He says, “This is a magic lamp. If you rub it a genie will come out and grant you one wish.”

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie comes out and asks the bartender what he would like to wish for. The bartender says, “I want a million bucks.”

A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar followed by more and more ducks. Pretty soon the bar is overrun with ducks. The bartender says, “Hay, is this genie hard of hearing? I didn’t ask for a million ducks; I asked for a million bucks.”

The guy says, “Ha, ha. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

John Boy , Sena Shot ® / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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#8

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-- "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says-- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, " Hard to fool them flies though. "

Joe Voigt , Jin Yeong Kim / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#9

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day 2 nuns are in a car when the Devil jumps on the car bonnet (hood). Sister Mary, alarmed by this, brings the car to a stop. She turns to Sister Jane and says,

“Quickly sister, show him your cross!”

Sister Jane leans her head out of the window and screams,

“Oy! Get off our f**king bonnet!”

James Cockram , Felix Koutchinski / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Once you are ready and able to imagine a fantastical scenario, albeit one set in “real life,” it’s easy to create all sorts of jokes. After all, the devil, the afterlife, superheroes, and genies feature in a decent amount of jokes, despite not being something we deal with on a daily basis. In that sense, a dog making what might be a pun is hardly out of the realm of the ordinary. 
#10

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Probably only Brits will get this:

I was having a meal in an Indian restaurant. I was just finishing up and thinking about getting the bill when this little old lady came up to my table. She said: “You are such a lovely boy, with beautiful manners. You are a credit to your mum and dad.” Then off she toddled.

I said to the waiter: Excuse me, but who was that?

He said: Ah yes sir: that’s your complimentary nan…

Stewart Stirling , Sandra Filipe / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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#11

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Two nuns are riding their bicycles around the backstreets of Rome. One nun looks over at the other and says, “You know, I’ve never come this way before.” The other nun replies, “Must be the cobblestones.”

David Harrison , Viktor Talashuk / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Floeckchen
Floeckchen
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A slight variant of this joke: during the cycle tour mother superior shouted "My dear sisters, if you can't stop giggling all the time we'll put the saddles back on"

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#12

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porsche. Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock. “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!” “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.” “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!” “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.” The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!” “Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.

David Toovey , Dima Panyukov / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Stephanie Did It
Stephanie Did It
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

This one was rolling around in the 70s, as I recall, but of course then it was a Cadillac

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In this sense, we are not that different from our ancestors. We still liked a good joke, particularly one poking fun at some real scenario. However, like so many things in life, nuance and context are such a rich, often unwritten layer of our lives that explaining a simple joke to someone outside of it feels close to impossible. 
#13

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day My wife called out to me from the other room: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest… like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?”
I said “No?!”
She said: “…How about now?”

Bill Weaver , Siaron James / flickr (not the actual photo) Report

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#14

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day The scene is a funeral wake. Several people have given moving tributes to the deceased, and now the grieving widow asks if anybody else would like to add anything. A man stands up.

‘May I say a word?’ he asks.

‘Of course,’ says the widow.

‘Plethora,’ says the man.

‘Thank you: that means a lot to me,’ replies the widow.

Erica Orchard , Pavel Danilyuk / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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HTakeover
HTakeover
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

'Bargain," says another man. "Thank you, that means a great deal." Another stands up, 'Earth.' "That means the world!" Another stands up, 'Infinity.' "Thanks, that means more than you can imagine." Another... "Water pit." "Thank you, I know you mean well."

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#15

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Two sisters inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 available.

The older sister says, "I’m going to take the bus to the stockyards since you need the pick-up truck. When I get there, if I decide to buy a bull, I'll contact you to bring the pickup truck and trailer and haul it home."

The older sister arrives at the stockyard, inspects a bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she makes her way to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram telling her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister, telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator said he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, she only had one dollar, enough to send one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her this word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to the pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

She explained, "This is a big word for my sister. So she'll read it very slowly ... sounding it out as com-for-da-bull."

Michael Power , Ingo Joseph / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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Unfortunately, a lot of our humor does lie in language-based jokes. From puns, to particularly funny turns of phrase, humor is an often hidden benefit when it comes to learning another language. Because, as the Sumerian joke above suggests, sometimes the real meaning can be lost in translation, just “exchanging” each word for one in a language you already know isn’t enough. 
#16

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A woman holding her little baby in her arms gets onto a bus. The driver says, “Wow, that’s an ugly baby!”

The woman is outraged, but says nothing. As she walks back to an open seat, another passenger sees that she is upset, and asks why. She says, “That bus driver was so rude and insulting!”

The passenger says, “Why, you just go right back and give the driver a piece of your mind! Here, I’ll hold your monkey.”

Mark Paris , Kelly Sikkema / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#17

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Mary was late for school and the principal asked her why.

She explained: “I had to take our cow to our neighbors so that the bull could get her pregnant.”

The principal said:“Couldn’t your father do that?”
Mary replied: “I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience.”

Audrey Vera Monroe , Quaritsch Photography / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#18

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him “What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?” The guy replies “Honesty. I’m honest with everyone; I don’t know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet.” The interviewer says “I don’t really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!” To which the guy replies “I don’t really give a s**t what you think.”

Steven O'Connor , LinkedIn Sales Solutions / unspalsh (not the actual photo) Report

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#19

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A brunette and a blond meet on opposite sides of a river. The brunette calls out across the gap, “How do I get to the other side of the river.” The blond responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

Craig Dyer , Jon Flobrant / unsplash (not the actula photo) Report

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#20

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned.

“Well” says the man, “I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn’t believe my ears!”

“Oh, yes – what did it say?”

“Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!”

“Ah,” said the barman. “And tell me, what colour was this horse?”

“Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn’ thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!”

“Thought so,” says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses.

“Thought so? Didn’t you hear what I was saying? This horse dam’ well spoke to me!”

“Well”, says the barman, “I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!”

David Collins , Luisa Peter / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#21

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A very rich man was on his death bed and called together his three trusted advisors, his priest, his doctor, and his attorney.

He told them that he knew he could take his wealth with him when he died. To prove it, he gave each one $500,000 in cash and told them to put it in an envelope and place it in his coffin at his funeral.

After the funeral the three of them went out for a drink and started to talk about the strange request their friend made.

The priest said that he knew that he could not take with him and the church needed a new roof. He said, “I got the roof repaired and had $100,000 left and that was the amount he put in the envelope.”

The doctor said that he also knew that his friend could not take it with him and said, “the children's hospital needed $450,000 to finish building the new wing so I only had $50,000 dollars, and left the that amount in the envelope. My friend will never know and think about all the good that the hospital will do.”

The attorney said, “I am ashamed of both of you. You violated the trust that our friend placed in us. I put in a check for the full amount.”

John Roberts , Rhodi Lopez / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#22

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A little old lady goes to her doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her if she is having any problems.

“Yes doctor I have a problem. I have to fart a lot. I fart all the time. Fortunately no one can hear them or smell them. In fact I have farted twice just since you came in. I bet you couldn’t hear or smell them, could you.”

The doctor gives her an examination and says to her, “I can treat this problem with an over-the-counter medication, a prescription, and a referral.”

“The over-the-counter medication will help your body produce less gas, the prescription medication will help you recover your sense of smell, and I am giving you a referral to an Audiologist to see if they can help you to hear better.”

Chuck Donaldson , National Cancer Institute / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Der Kommissar
Der Kommissar
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10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Young woman is at the doctor's for a check-up. Doctor; you have acute angina. Woman; I know, and my tits ain't bad, either

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#23

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A guy is skydiving. He pulls the ripcord and nothing happens. He pulls the reserve and nothing happens.

He is beginning to panic when he notices a guy coming up towards him at an alarming rate. He shouts ‘Do you know anything about parachutes?’.

Guy answers, ‘No… do you know anything about gas BBQs?’.

Wayne Irvine , Kamil Pietrzak / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#24

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot."

The old lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."

"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”

The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"

The old lady replied "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

Brian Clowes , Alex Guillaume / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A very old lady went to her doctor for a checkup. At one point he asked her "Have you ever been bedridden?" She replied "Oh, yes, thousands of times. And once in a buggy."

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#25

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Patient: OK, first, what's the good news?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: Oh god, just 24 hours to live, that is good news? I can't imagine what the bad news is going to be.

Doctor: I forgot to phone you yesterday.

SBZ , Jeremy Alford / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Ga Di
Ga Di
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

"how long do i have to live?" - "10" - "10 what?" - "9"......

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#26

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day An Orangutan is sitting in his enclosure in the zoo. In one hand he has the Holy Bible; in the other, Darwin’s On the Origin of Species. “I can’t figure it out” he thinks; “one says I’m my brother’s keeper, and the other says I’m my keeper’s brother!”

Thomas Barnidge , Rendy Novantino Report

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#27

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A guy goes to confession and says, “Bless me father for I have sinned. On Friday I went golfing and I used the “F” word. The priest says, “tell me about it, my son”. The man says, I was on the first tee, and I shanked a shot wide left”. The priest says, “oh, you must have said it then”. The man said, “no, because the ball went into the woods, hit a tree, and bounced back right in the middle of the fairway.” The priest says, “and then what happened?” The man said, “I hit my second shot, and the ball went wide right” . The priest says, “so that’s when you said it?” The man says “no, because my shot hit the ball washer machine on the next hole, popped up, and wound up right in the low rough”. So the priest says, “oh, so that’s when you said it, then”. He said, “no, because I took my wedge and hit it, and it wound up on the green, about six inches from the cup” There’s silence for a while, and then the priest says, “don’t tell me you missed that f*****g putt…”

Kurt Biedlingmaier , cottonbro studio / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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#28

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day I am 74 years old now and my baby brother is 8 years younger (which makes him 66…I think, lol).

When he was about 4 years old, he whispered to me he had a dirty joke to tell me. I was shocked because our New England household — although loving — was very rigid. (Never even saw my parents kiss.)

Anyway, back to the joke. I asked him what it was. He whispered,

TARZAN FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
TARZAN LOSE HIS UNDERWEAR
TARZAN SAY, ME NO CARE
JANE MAKE ME ANOTHER PAIR!

JANE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR
JANE LOSE HER UNDERWEAR
JANE SAY, ME NO CARE
TARZAN LIKE ME BETTER BARE!

Ok, I know it’s lame, but whenever I think of my brother when he was about 4 years old and how cute he was thinking he was telling his big sis the dirtiest joke ever, it cracks me up!

And we still laugh over it.

Terry , Gareth Harrison / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Auntriarch
Auntriarch
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10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Hehehe I love that story. If I want to laugh with my 8 years younger brother (58) I just start singing the Roobarb and Custard theme tune

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#29

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A polar bear was driving along the road when his car broke down. He called the recovery service who arrived within a short time. The mechanic said he would need about an hour to fix it. The polar bear walked to the nearest supermarket, where he bought himself an ice-cream. He ate it as he walked back to the car, but smeared some of it around his mouth.

As he got back to the car, the mechanic looks up at the polar bear and says 'it looks like you've blown a seal'. The polar bear looks embarrassed, wipes his mouth, and says 'No I haven't, it's just ice-cream’!

K Wilson , Hans-Jurgen Mager / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Rosemary
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two polar bears are sitting on an iceberg. One polar bear says "My instincts tell me to go south." The other turns to him with a frown and says "My end stinks too, but it don't tell me where to go."

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#30

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A man sits at a bar and orders 10 beers and drinks them one after the other. He then orders nine beers and drinks them as well, and this goes on and on."
"So he orders seven beers and drinks them, six beers and drinks them, five beers and drinks them, and then finally four beers. After drinking these last four beers, he says to the bartender:

'I don’t understand this. The less beers I drink, the more drunk I get.'

Thomas Cayne , Teo Do Rio / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Bob Brooce
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A young man sits down at the bar and orders 5 martinis. The bartender lines them up and the guys drinks them down one after the other. The bartender says 'Are you celebrating something?" "Well'" says the guy, "I came in here because I was next door and my first blow job was just 10 minutes ago." "Well then," says the bartender, "let me give you one on the house." "Thanks," says the guy, 'but if 5 can't kill the taste another won't help."

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#31

I lot of people don’t think this is funny. I think it’s hilarious!

A man is watching T.V. There is a knock on the front door. He gets up, opens the door, and notices a snail on his doorstep. He reaches down, picks up the snail and throws it across the yard. He shuts the door and goes back to his T.V. Show.

1 week later the man is sitting in his chair, again enjoying his television show. There is a knock at the door. He opens the door, and there is the snail.

“Hey.” Says the snail, “what did you do that for?”

Tamera Britton Haskins Report

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#32

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day An American couple are driving through Canada and stop at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays and asks, “by the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.” The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “where are we?”

“He doesn't speak English" replies the husband.

I heard this joke years ago and it's about the only joke I can tell from start to finish. Being from Saskatchewan makes it that much funnier to me, and that much easier for me to remember. I still laugh at that stupid joke.

Mariette Howey , sippakorn yamkasikorn / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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Amaryllis
Amaryllis
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

A woman was placing an order over the phone with an American Store. The salesman asked where she lived and she said "Estevan, Saskatchewan". He said "where is that?" She answered "It's just north of North Dakota." There was a moment of silence than the salesman said "But there's nothing north of North Dakota."

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#33

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day Guy walks into a bar. Tells the bartender to set ’em up for the house and tells the bartender to have one himself. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I ain't got no money”. The bartender bum-rushes the guy out the door and throws him into the street.

Next night, same guy walks in and and tells the bartender to set up doubles for the house and says to the bartender “Just to show I ain't got no hard feelings about last night, pour yourself a double too”. The bartender presents the guy with the bill. The guy says, “I told you last night, I ain't got no money!” “Why you dirty SOB” says the bartender as he once again tosses the guy into the street.,

Next night, the guy's back. “Set up triples for the house”, he says, “but, no, no, not for you”. “Why not me”, says the bartender. “Because, you get mean when you drink!!”

David Wagner , Ambitious Studio* - Rick Barrett / unsplash (not the actual photo) Report

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#34

Actually not a joke, a true story….

Business trip 1996, talking to a woman next to me who is a customer service manager for a wall paper company. I asked her, what was the best complaint she ever received. She said it was the time a customer called up demanding the company replace her washing machine. My seatmate had responded to the customer, “Ma’am, we are a wall paper company, we do not sell appliances.” The customer responded, “I know! I had your washable wall paper and it got dirty. I peeled it off the walls and washed it in my washing machine. It destroyed my machine!”

This is now 2023, and I still have to chuckle whenever I think of that conversation!

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#35

I came home the other day and the wife is crying her eyes out.

I said ‘What's wrong?’

She said ‘I'm homesick.’

I said ‘What do you mean you're homesick? This IS your home.’

She said. ‘Yeah I know…I'm sick of it!’

(Tommy Cooper)

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eMpTy
eMpTy
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10 months ago DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

(Upvote for Tommy, just like that!) Tommy told a story about his trip to Egypt. He went to the market to by a new fez. He tries one on and says I'll buy this one. The shop keeper looks surprised and says you are the very first English person who, on wearing the fez, hasn't said "just like that!".

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#36

30 Of The Funniest Jokes That Crack People Up To This Day A guy is in a job interview, the interviewer says to him “You’re asking for an awful lot of money for having so little experience”.
He answers “Of course I am. Think about how much harder I’ll have to work not knowing how to do the job”.

Steve Gilbert , Tima Miroshnichenko / pexels (not the actual photo) Report

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#37

One day a city stockbroker decides he has just had too much. Too much stress, too much of the big city, too much everything. So he quits him job, gives up his apartment and rents out a Cabin in the middle of the wilderness. For six months he lives in tranquillity and isolation. Then, one day, there is a knock at the door.

He opens the door to see this huge lumberjack with a giant beard shuffling from foot to foot nervously. Eventually the big man speaks:

“I’m yer neighbour from the cabin about a mile down the road. Anyhow, I’m having a party on Saturday and I wondered if you’d like to come.”

The guy pauses for a second and then replies: “You know what, that would be great. It is about time I got out and it would be nice to meet some new people. I’d love to come.”

“Right,” says the lumberjack, looking a little relieved. “I’ll see you about eight o’clock on Saturday then.” And then he turns to leave.

But he pauses for a second and then turns back: “I should probably warn you, there is gonna be some pretty heavy drinking.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s OK. I used to drink quite a bit myself back in the city, so I think I’ll be alright with a bit of hard liquor.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “Well, eight o’clock then.”

But as he turns to go he pauses again and turns back: “Yeah, I should also mention: most likely there will also be a bit of fighting before the evening finishes.”

“Uh, well, OK,” the guy replies. “I mean, I get on pretty well with most people so I don’t see that being a problem. But if it gets rough, then I am sure I can take care of myself.”

“Right then,” says the big man. “See you at eight o’clock then.”

But once again he pauses and turns back, scratching his beard: “So I probably also need to tell you: there might be some pretty wild sex.”

The guy perks up a bit at that. “Well, you know, we are all consenting adults. And after all this time out here alone, I don’t think I’d have any problem with some intimate company if that’s what happens.”

“OK then,” says the man. “Well, see you Saturday.” And with that he turns and starts to stroll away.

“Oh wait, just one question,” says the guy. “What should I wear?”

The lumberjack pauses to think, and scratches his beard again. “I don’t suppose it really matters much. I just gonna be you and me.”

Colin Riegels Report

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#38

Two doctors are walking down the street when they see a man walking towards them with a strange limp. After a short diagnostic discussion, one of them stops the man to say…

“My friend and I are trying to guess your medical condition. I think it's lumbago, but my partner says it's probably arthritis. Can you enlighten us?”

“Well,” says the limping man, “we're all three of us wrong. I thought it was gas.”

Tracy Kolenchuk Report

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#39

A man enters a cafe and sits at a table.

A waitress asks for his order.

“One coffee, please, without cream,” he replies.

The waitress responds, “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to take it without milk; we haven’t any cream”.

This was, I am told, from “Fibber McGee and Molly,” which my grandmother absolutely loved. We would toss this joke back and forth between us for years, always getting a giggle. And neither of us, at that time drank coffee.

James Oppenheimer-Crawford Report

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Auntriarch
Auntriarch
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10 months ago (edited) DotsCreated by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My dad tells this one regularly. Actually he hasn't recently, maybe I'll try to trigger it this afternoon. Edit: he remembered it but not till after the punchline.

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#40

This is a rather old joke. It's not appropriate today but here goes.

A blond girl goes to a hair salon. The girl has headphones on sitting in the chair. The stylist tells her she needs to take them off to cut her hair. The girl holds them on her head and says “I'll die if you take them off”. The stylist attempts to continue working around them. Having difficulty she again tells the girl she needs to take them off. The girl tells her again “I'll die if I take them off”. The stylist once again resumes cutting her hair. Then had enough of this and yanked the headphones off her head. The girl falls out of the chair, lands on the floor and is instantly dead. The stylist bends over and put the headphones to her ear. She listens and it's a voice saying “breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out”

Adam Johansen Report

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