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When it comes to parenting, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. A lot depends on each individual family, the local culture and customs, and everyone’s relationships with everyone else at home.

So the advice that might help one family become closer might accidentally spark more tension in another. It’s essential to be very careful before making blanket statements about how (not) to raise kids—there are subtle nuances once all the basics (shelter, food, education, emotional support, etc.) are taken care of.

But broadly speaking, according to researchers, there are four main parenting styles, and one of them stands out from the crowd as the best approach.

#2

Made us feel like they were doing us a favor by raising us. For a long time I felt like I was always indebted to my parents and nothing I could do would ever be enough.

tsagdiyev , Pixabay Report

Final score:

177points

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Coyote Osborne 1 year ago

My mother told me I owed her and had to do everything she said forever, because she thought about having an abortion and didn't. I was six. She continued doing that until I was about ten. I don't think a six year old even needs to know what an abortion even is! Why no, I don't think I grew up happy and well-adjusted, why do you ask?

72points

Windebieste_Ultima , RDNE Stock project Report

#3

My family still believes beating a kid is a great form of discipline instead of just sitting down with and talking to your child. Who would’ve thought that Beating your child when they’re young, and barely getting to know them when they’re a teenager, would lead to them almost never reaching out to you when they’ve grown up and moved out? Mind blowing right??

Also, I absolutely CANNOT stress enough how important it is to show up to your child’s extracurricular activities. I played tennis all 4 years of high school and did marching band as well and I can count on 1 hand how many times they even bothered to show up. Your job is never going to remember you worked there, but your child will *always* remember you *weren’t* there.

Final score:

164points

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Spencer's slave 1 year ago

This is so important. I still go to after school, during school, end of term activities, only now it's for my grandkids. Parents become grandparents and the joy I see on my grandkid's faces when I'm there for them is immeasurable.

56points

The four parenting styles are authoritative (the one you should aim for), permissive, authoritarian, and uninvolved (aka neglectful). The latter three are the ones that can potentially cause the most issues for kids growing up. For example, authoritarian parents have a “my way or the highway” approach, don’t consider their children’s feelings, and expect them to follow their rules to the letter, without question.

However, this focus on obedience and punishment can lead their kids to develop self-esteem issues or even develop anger problems, Verywell Family notes.

Meanwhile, uninvolved parents expect their kids to raise themselves which can also lead to self-esteem issues further down the line. They tend to ignore their children, how they’re doing at school, and who they’re friends with. They simply don’t spend quality time with their kids or at home. As a result, there are often few rules that need to be followed, and the munchkins don’t get the guidance and attention that they need and want.

#4

Nothing I did was good enough. Like, if she asked me to fold laundry and I'd do it, and then she'd redo it because I guess I folded the towels wrong. I'd clean my room, she'd come in and redo everything I'd done. And she wouldn't teach me how she wanted things done, she'd just send me away and tell me she'd do it herself. Taught me that I shouldn't even bother trying to help because she's just going to redo whatever I did anyway, because I guess I was just a failure.

deagh , Sarah Brown Report

Final score:

163points

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tabithapaquette98 1 year ago

No honey, she was a failure as a parent. Not you.

112points

sephoraobsessed , Ketut Subiyanto Report

#5

All the weight comments. I was always a chunky kid and definitely needed/need to lose the weight, but I’ve never been able to shake the idea that I don't deserve to be loved, because of those comments. I can always look down and see 50 extra reasons to hate myself

Final score:

150points

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Sleepy children love Moon 1 year ago

heh, I'm the same way. I'm pretty sure I'm not what most people would consider "fat", but I'm kinda chubby ig and my parents hate that and make comments about it

43points

Mario-OrganHarvester , Mikhail Nilov Report

#6

They werent bad parents at all, but:

Stop saying "just ignore them and theyll get tired of you" when your child is getting bullied

It doesnt work. Your child will just be a punching bag. I did however break somones foot in 5th grade and never got bothered again.

Final score:

149points

POST

HelluvaHedgehogAlien 1 year ago (edited)

I hate that phrase, because it doesn’t work nowadays and never did work. Also, when you try to inform teachers or adults about being bullied, 90% of them will either say it’s not a big deal/you’re asking for it/make a super big deal out of it and end up leaving everyone around in trouble, especially yourself. If it goes on and no one stops people from harming you, get out that sharp pen

47points

Permissive parents, on the other hand, might set some rules but will rarely enforce them. They believe that it’s best to interfere as little as possible in their kids’ development, so they’re very lenient and don’t set healthy boundaries for (in)appropriate behavior. In short, these parents are more like friends than caregivers. And their children may have a lot of issues learning at school, following rules, and listening to authority figures.

Authoritative parents, however, focus on the best aspects of the other styles. They strive to create a balance between rules and support. These parents set and enforce boundaries but also consider what their children think and how they feel about certain situations. What’s more, they explain why it’s necessary to have certain rules: there’s an emphasis on constant, clear communication.

As a result, kids raised in authoritative (rather than authoritarian) households are more likely to grow into responsible, happy, successful adults, who feel fine expressing their opinions and thinking for themselves.

#7

Why can't you be like.......?

JlTlS , Monstera Report

Final score:

148points

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Helena 1 year ago

This one, this one did a number on me.

54points

Odd-Astronaut-92 , Markus Winkler Report

#8

Buy ramen instead of nutritious food so that they could afford more cigarettes.

Mercilessly mock our insecurities and then say they were "just joking" and that we needed to "toughen up" when we got upset.

Refuse to apply for Medicaid or foodstamps because they weren't "trashy" and let me and my sister go sick/hungry for their pride. (This one makes me extra angry because as an adult now I know they qualified and also my maternal grandparents were well off and could have helped but my mother would rather starve than accept their scrutiny)

Final score:

133points

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Spencer's slave 1 year ago

Knowing you need help and asking for it takes so much more strength than just sitting back because you're embarrassed and think you don't deserve it.

36points

#9

I've always known

I asked my mom if she was proud of me. She said I hadn't done anything for her to be proud of.

I was 12.

Katdroyd , Pixabay Report

Final score:

125points

POST

Spencer's slave 1 year ago

I'm proud of you for posting this because it takes courage to do it.

106points

According to the author, they started up the thread because they were curious about "how others perceive their parents after they've grown up." They also had a more practical reason for asking the question, too.

"I was trying to farm and get to a certain minimum amount of karma, so that I can post on a subreddit. So I wanted to ask something that is relevant to everyone and start a conversation," u/VastPurpleSky told Bored Panda.

According to the OP, the biggest red parenting flag is the neglect of the children's welfare. The redditor shared their thoughts on parenting extremes in Asia, too. According to them, authoritarian parents "expect their child to be the top student in school so that they have better prospects in the future" and also compare their children to other kids.

"I guess it's okay to get the best out of the child, some kids can handle it but for those that can't, the parents have to take a step back and look out for the child's mental well-being. It's a huge red flag when the children feel overwhelmed and the parents are completely oblivious or worse ignore it," the OP said.

#10

Learning at an early age to bottle up emotions and not to show any. No one can hurt you if you don’t feel. Growing up, I was constantly needled about my emotions. I was only child, and at any point I wasn’t acting as they thought I should they’d basically bully and make fun of me until I either broke and cried, to which I’d be disciplined, or just go numb. Now as a adult I’m my mid thirties, I’m emotionally stunted and have a difficult time connecting with anyone emotionally.

agentorange360 , Inzmam Khan Report

Final score:

122points

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Stardust she/her 1 year ago

This is exactly what’s been happening with me except my crying has increased because of this and I’ve lost control over regulating my emotions

36points

#11

My mom raised me to believe that what other people think of me is more important than than what I think of myself. Every action had to be accompanied by a thought of how it would affect the family (i.e. her). So of course I became depressed because I don't want people seeing me doing something "wrong". Even this response has been rewritten a couple times because I can't stop myself.

She's recently complained about how I never talk to them and I'm pretty sure this is gonna be unloaded this weekend.

Stone_Reign Report

Final score:

116points

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Kate Κts 1 year ago

Yes. The image/ reputation of the parents is more important than a child's wellbeing and it is supposed to be a family value.

16points

#12

They didn't allow me to go out with my friends at all. I was basically grounded by default. My weekend schedule was jam-packed with various lessons. As a result, I took longer to develop social skills.

horny_loki , Greg Rosenke Report

Final score:

113points

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Junebugjump! 1 year ago

This is very sad. I hope you're enjoying life as you should.

31points

However, some parents choose to be largely uninvolved in how their kids grow up. "In Singapore, there's a high cost of living and bringing up a child costs a lot, hence both parents have to work to support the family," u/VastPurpleSky explained.

"Neglect would cause the child to go astray when they become a teenager, so they might join a gang, purposely get low grades, or create trouble in school to gain the attention of their parents. Personally, I feel that neglect is worse than authoritarian parenting as there's no display of love and lack of attention where the child needs it most."

Meanwhile, redditor u/VastPurpleSky shared their thoughts on what they think are some signs of a great parent. "To me, it's the intention for the child that counts, and the awareness of the child's limitations, not pushing them to meet the expectations of the parents or society. And, of course, love and support from the parents instill confidence in the child," they told Bored Panda.

"Sometimes, kids can be lazy and unwilling to push themselves to become their best version and tend to give up easily, hence the parents are there to help them realize their true potential. [They] push them further to help their children become their best selves."

#13

Never ever said to me “. I love you”. Seriously, how f****d is that?

United_Crew_4554 , Alex Green Report

Final score:

112points

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GoGoPDX 1 year ago (edited)

My first serious boyfriend, from when I was 17 - 21. He had so much trauma. Generational trauma, cultural trauma, attachment issues. I was the 1st person in his entire life that told him "I love you" (I came from a family that told each other they loved each other many times a day". I remember him telling me that love was such a foreign feeling. I, bring my naive, spoiled 17 year old self, thought, well, I love you you, so everything is great. We of course grew apart, and broke up. We went out separate ways, I traveled, got my nursing degree, married, and had a child. I didn't hear from him until one day he emailed me out of the blue when he got his PhD in math (he was the first to ever go to college in his family, and I helped him a lot in the beginning) and thanked me for always encouraging him and not giving up on him. I then emailed him when I got my Pshyc NP, to apologize for never understanding the true nature of his trauma and thinking " love saves everything " to this day it gaunts me that a person can grow up never being told, or showed they are loved. Like, i tell my son, or show him, at least every hour, how much I love him.

64points

#14

My parents moved house basically every other year. For them it was a new job, new opportunities … for me it meant regularly losing all my friends, new school, etc. I never built up a circle of friends and have problems to do so until this day.

When I had a kid, I made sure she can go to the same school from kindergarden to the final exams (which start next week, BTW), so she doesn’t have to go through this.

Now she’s very keen on finally getting to know a different environment when she’ll start uni in autumn. Probably she’s around here, complaining that her parents stayed at the same boring place all her life… ;-)

saschaleib , Jeswin Thomas Report

Final score:

102points

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SadieCat17 1 year ago

See this isn't necessarily bad parenting, just differences in opinion. The longest I ever lived somewhere consecutively was 5 years and I've loved it. I've gotten to live all over the US and travel all through europe when I lived in germany. I'm very grateful for the cultural experiences I've gotten and it's opened my mind so much compared to if I only lived in one place. When it came to school, I also loved getting a new start every few years. For one move, I made up a new nickname as a dare from an old friend and just let it stick and abandoned it when I moved again. I may not have a big circle of friends, but all through my life I've developed close bonds with a few friends that to this day have stayed with me throughout the journey of my life. Some people prefer to have a secure, regular environment to call home and some could never imagine being restricted like that.

38points

iwilltakeurlife , MART PRODUCTION Report

#15

my dad trauma dumped all these really dark and twisted details of what he went through on me as if I was his therapist

Final score:

100points

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Rens 1 year ago

I made the mistake of dumping stuff on my daughter; at the time I was just trying to be open and share my experiences with her. She accused me of treating her like a therapist and she was right; even though she was far more mature for her age than most, kids she was still a kid and what I did was unfair and wrong. We have a better relationship now and I really hope it will grow into a great relationship

11points

According to the OP, it would be wonderful if parents "are able to gauge their children's ability properly and help them fulfill their aspirations without putting their thoughts and expectations too heavily into them and allow them to grow within their capabilities, and at the same time instill and cultivate good moral values in them."

What's also crucial is that parents have good intentions and show their kids that they love and support them. "Spending time with them and showing up and encouraging them during their time of need is really important!"

However, the redditor pointed out that, at the end of the day, it's hard to say what makes a great parent. "I've heard of people thanking their tiger mom only after they have grown up, and looking back, they can understand why their parents did what they did."

#16

responding with "do this because I said so". seems harmless, right? it can teach stubborn kids respect and obedience. My mom would often use it. I wasn't allowed to question things or point out mistakes. Now as an adult, I developed an inferior mindset. I'm often extremely obedient when interacting with people. I find it hard to find my own voice

bland-soup , Andrea Piacquadio Report

Final score:

98points

POST

similarly 1 year ago

My Mom's rule was "Do what I say. Do exactly what I say. Do what I say when I tell you. Do it immediately. Don't argue. Don't ask questions. If I tell you to move, you move. You may be in the middle of a road with a car coming, and I'm yelling at you to come here, and I may not have time to tell you why or be nice about it. There's a car coming and I'm trying to keep you alive! So just assume all the time that I'm trying to save your life!"

4points

Inevitable_Leek_1622 , RDNE Stock project Report

#17

my dad would always buy my brother and i whatever we wanted if he hit or yelled at us. realizing now that i’m older it was just so we didn’t tell our mom

Final score:

89points

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GoGoPDX 1 year ago (edited)

The mom knew. She just denied it, or was complacent in it, or to scared of the father to be able to do anything.

55points

#18

Read my diary

itsdestinfool , Alina Vilchenko Report

Final score:

86points

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Helena 1 year ago

Literally made up my own written language as a kid so my sister and mother wouldn't be able to read my diary. Since that seemed to be one of their favorite past times.

48points

#19

Laughing at me for various s**t even though they were joking. Music, hobbies, girlfriends, my body. I understand they were joking but it took a lot to get my confidence back and they also wonder why I don't tell them anything about my life.

beansff , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:

82points

POST

Themoonprincess 1 year ago

Some of my cousins did this. If I hang out with them for a day, I feel like I need therapy the day after.

23points

#20

First - Being inconsistent. One day mom would overly obsess about my homework, or how clean my room was, or what I was going to "do with my life", etc., the next day it was all forgotten as if it never happened.

Second - If I mentioned wanting to do anything, I was given a long list of why it could and would go wrong to the point where I felt beaten down and didn't want to do it anymore, then I was accused of never sticking to anything.

Third - Telling me I wasn't trying, or not trying hard enough, when in reality I was trying as best I could. It simply made me realize that there was no point in my efforts, so why bother at all.

FinnbarMcBride Report

Final score:

82points

POST

Brainmas 1 year ago

Very relatable, except nothing was ever forgotten if it meant I did something wrong. Very conveniently forgotten if it was to my benefit.

25points

#21

Growing up my father micromanaged everything to a point that he would decide how much time the window in my room will remain open, I wasn't allowed to open or close the window as I wish. This goes for everything, I had to take his permission for every little thing, I had no free will home was basically a military camp. I felt so suffocated in that house.

SuvenPan Report

Final score:

75points

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Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

Wow, this is control freak and despot who's only 'kingdom' was his household

28points

Individual-Spirit-75 , adrianna geo Report

#22

Lots of yelling and bulling, spanking, then go to church like a good little Christian family wtf 🤷‍♀️ very confusing upbringing that’s all I’m saying

Final score:

72points

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David Wambold 1 year ago

Biggest hypocrites' I have ever met are strongly religious.

52points

#23

Ignoring my autism diagnosis and acting as if I'll be fine in life if they treat me as they did my siblings. Turns out, a huge part of learning to navigate the world when you have autism involves learning coping strategies (that sometimes might not work for most people) and thus I was pushed into situations that caused meltdowns but without any coping strategies that actually worked I just became an anxious and depressed mess.

Dragime84 Report

Final score:

71points

POST

Kate Κts 1 year ago

Ignoring any diagnosis is terrible parenting...

42points

#24

Making promises and not following through on them.

anon , Phil Nguyen Report

Final score:

71points

POST

crowspectre (he/they) 1 year ago

My mom lol. She says she'll do things or does things/says things and when I bring it up she denies it and tells me I'm gaslighting her

9points

#25

They stayed together “for me”, my mum made me her therapist at the ripe age of 10, my mum talked to me about our bad economy, my mum wouldn’t teach me how to talk care of myself at all until i was 16, my dad laughed and made fun of me when i failed at stuff, my dad used to jokingly almost drown me and put me in situations where i was afraid, my dad would call me a pig for eating a lot, my mum always felt the need to point out my acne even when i didn’t ask, they fought in front of me and used me to their advantages in the arguments, they only ever congratulated me when it came to grades and sports. When i was younger i never realised how bad all this was because it was all I knew, it wasn’t until I was 16 i realised how f****d up it all was

Lobstermeat420 Report

Final score:

67points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

It makes me sad and angry these sorry f**k ups decided to have and keep children

19points

#26

had money but never let us kids have regular medical check ups/ never got us braces no matter how bad our teeth are and said its our responsibility to do those things when we’re older :// They did horrible things but this realization often made me tear up. For context, I have a lifetime illness that needs checking up every 3 months

vent1te Report

Final score:

65points

POST

Sandra Gleeson 1 year ago

Is it CF, my son has suffers from this. Clinic every 3 months

12points

#27

So I just want to preface this by saying that I had a good childhood, my parents loved me, and I believe they really did try their best.

One of the things they did that I think is bad parenting is they constantly tried to make sure things were "equal" between me and my siblings. For example, for awhile they experimented with paying us extra allowance for good grades. I was always good in school, so I almost always ended up with all A's, so I got a lot of money. My sibling was (and still is) a lazy f**k so they would hardly get any except for PE. Despite that, my parents found ways to "even things out" so they would still have some spending money. It created an incentive for my sibling to continue being a lazy f**k, and disincentivized me working hard. I still did because I wanted to go to college, but it definitely created animosity.

I think parents should treat their kids equitably, but children are not equal and should not be treated like they are equal. Each is an individual with their own strengths and weaknesses, and what works for some may not work for others.

False-Guess Report

Final score:

63points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

This one is really tricky and one of the reasons why I don't want to work with rewards. It's been proven to actually impair the children's incentive. And if someone constantly fails, because they just can't keep up in school or something, it will seriously damage their self esteem. It's bribing, and it doesn't work on humans as it did on Pavlov's dogs. We are complex social creatures with an inherent and unparalleled spring of creativity

15points

#28

They isolated and neglected me.

anon , Ivonne Lecou Report

Final score:

61points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

One of the worst forms of abuse. We are social creatures and withholding social interactions is a kind of torture

18points

Apprehensive_Bug_826 Report

#29

- Never gave me any encouragement to do anything. Anything I wanted to do was met with negativity and criticism. Looking back, I think they were trying some reverse psychology b******t, but I’ve never worked that way and now I just don’t try to do anything, really.

- My Dad was the youngest of three brothers which obviously made him think that little brothers are naturally superior and always told him that he didn’t have to listen to me or do what I said. Which baby brother took as wholesale permission to do whatever he wanted - go to my room and start wrecking s**t, take any of my stuff he wanted, etc and if I told him to stop it’s always “I don’t have to listen to you! I don’t have to listen to you! Ha ha!” Unsurprisingly he also ended up getting into trouble at school a lot. We had a really bad relationship until I moved out for University.

- Used to punish me for telling the truth, which just led to me lying and hiding things and never really telling them anything at all to be honest.

Final score:

60points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

Why punishment, be it physical or emotional, doesn't work on kids.

15points

#30

Letting the TV be a babysitter.

ShroomerOfCatan , Victoria Rain Report

Final score:

59points

POST

Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago

"Kids, are you hugging the TV?" "Sorry, Dad, it just spent so much more time raising us."

39points

Ukrainian_Tractor07 , Nathan Dumlao Report

#31

Let me eat as much as I want, to the point that I weighed 131kg at my peak. Losing all s**t is hard man. But I'm down to 94kg now and let me tell you, there is no possibility that my future kid(s) will ever be obese.

Final score:

58points

POST

Blue Mar 1 year ago

This! My husband mother is like that, no sport in his family, just unhealthy food from beginning. His brother had stomach surgery, she has diabetes but still eat like there's no tomorrow. No one seems to see it. She still smuggling unhealthy sweets to him, despite he's 34. Really p**s me off.

28points

#32

Giving my brother a present on my birthday.

TheDood715 , Porapak Apichodilok Report

Final score:

54points

POST

Lauren S 1 year ago

When I was very, very little I was given a present on my brother’s birthday. I was 3 years younger and I guess they didn’t think I understood that the day was about my brother. It stopped before I even remember, I was just told about it at some point. My parents also gave us a small Christmas when we were little too. We’re Jewish but lived in a very small town where over 99% was Christian. They felt it was too hard to explain to a four year old why Santa is coming to visit everyone we know but not us. They thought we’d get the message that we were “bad.” Again, stopped as we got older and didn’t believe in Santa. It was like a small present or two, Hanukkah was always our main holiday. I liked that my parents did both of those things and that it stopped when we got old enough to understand.

51points

#33

My parents weren’t bad parents but I would say they were kind of benignly neglectful. I was clothed and fed and loved but not guided in any way at all. Everything was up to me. If I did homework, if I brushed my teeth or bathed. if I went to school, applying for college. Luckily I’m pretty naturally a rule follower and self driven or who knows how I would have turned out.

00Lisa00 , cottonbro studio Report

Final score:

53points

POST

Additional Panic 1 year ago

My parents were always too busy with their lives to parent me. Luckily I wasn't a rebel, but my brother started going down the wrong path. He met a woman that calmed him down and made him feel loved and needed, he turned his life around as is doing so well. He rarely sees our parents and holds a grudge, but he is still the "golden child"

3points

#34

Put a lock on my bedroom door

McNamee93SAFC , Amanda Vick Report

Final score:

45points

POST

Karin Jansen 1 year ago

Brrr.. my mom locked me in my room only once ever (I was being a bratty teenager and I think she was at her wits' end), but I still remember feeling so powerless and awful. Don't do this.

22points

#35

Completely shut down any kind of relationship conversation. It was a blanket "no". Not up for debate. Ok, I grew up in a pretty conservative part of the world but that's not an excuse to treat having a boyfriend as sacrilegious. ( In my all girl's K - 12 school, a student could get expelled for talking to a boy over the school wall. )

dee615 , Liza Summer Report

Final score:

45points

POST

Katie Lutesinger 1 year ago

Ten years later: "Why haven't you given me any grandchildren?! Are you gay or something??"

39points

Apple-pie_best-pie Report

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#36

Beating us children up

Telling us beeing gay is wrong and that gay people should be killed

Telling us foreigner like Chinese, turkish people, black people in general are all evil and should be killed

.....

Final score:

28points

POST

Sandra Gleeson 1 year ago

I lived in that same household

9points

#37

I'm not grown just yet, but ik this is bad, and if not bad, absolutely f*****g stressful. My mom would do all these nice things for us, like take us on expensive trips and get our favorite foods, and right after she would find something small to yell at us for and then bring up the fact that she spent money on us, if any one of us responded in a way she didn't like, she would make us give her the money she spent on us back.

scharscar Report

Final score:

25points

POST

Rach 1 year ago

This is abuse. Emotional and financial specifically

15points

#38

Not having "the talk."

Refusing to let me have a girlfriend in junior high, saying I could date when I turned sixteen.

When I turned sixteen refused to let me take the car because they were afraid I had a date, said they didn't want me getting a girl pregnant, and I couldn't date until I was 18.

When I'm an adult, start asking about when I'm going to start dating and give them grandkids.

Gee, I don't really know. You absolutely mucked up my developmental years when I should have been learning all this stuff, now as I try to stumble through this as an adult, I just come off as weird and creepy.

Thanks a lot.

ozarkbozark Report

Final score:

25points

POST

Karin Jansen 1 year ago

Conservative/religious parents are so weird. "Dont have s-e-x, it's a sin!! Oh, you're married now? Hurry up and have it so we can have grandchildren!" I can only imagine being brainwashed into believing making love is a shameful act that will get you a one way ticket to hell, and then suddenly it's all fine and dandy. Can you ever truly enjoy it? Without any shame or fear?

15points

#39

They still think spanking is one of the best forms of punishment

azmetrex , Liza Summer Report

Final score:

23points

POST

Blue Mar 1 year ago

Well, might work both ways- now is your time to spank them!

11points

#40

Uf, that's gonna be a long one, just need to get this off my chest.
My mother had diffulties giving birth and she 100% knew that I had spwnt hours suffocating inside of her. This cused brain damage, but my parents didn't even check if there's something wrong with me.
When I went to the proper doctor she literally cried: "Why didn't they bring you to the specialist as a child?". They just thought it's ok because I walked talked, started reading very early, made it to school, made to uni. My mom hates that I take meds to improve my problems. She says that I can do without drugs even though she knows what happens when I don't take them.
Also they always treated me as an adult both physically and mentally. They were keen tourists and never bothered that I can't walk as much as they can or that I might be bored /thirsty /hungry. As for mentally, they didn't get that child's mind wirk not like one of an adult. When I was playing and imagining things they asked me not to be stupid. "You know magic isn't real". Yeah, I know, but I'm playing, I am five, it a game!
I was always my mother's girlfriend, confidant to whom she revealed her intimate secrets.
Later when my parents had divorced my mom took her boyfriend to our apartment and they had wild sex, you know, as in bad porn with yelling your lungs out, moaning and other stuff. It lasted for hours at night. I had no place to go and it was in the time of my finals. She never saw it as a problem "because we're friends and you're a big girl, act like an adult, there's nothing wrong with having sex".
After I had graduated from uni I went to be an au pair. I was in shock that people really ask their kids stuff like "How was your day?", that they care for what their kids feel, read bedtime stories even if the kids are already "big" (they were seven and nine), that they just care.

fragielijs Report

Final score:

22points

POST

Natalie Kelsey 1 year ago

😔 that's very sad

3points

#41

Differentiated between son and daughter

fishwithbrain , Kevin Gent Report

Final score:

21points

POST

N Miller 1 year ago

And this is bad because...? Or are you using a different definition for differentiate? I assume they mean they treated their son and daughter differently, one more preferential than the other.

5points

#42

They'd do all household chores. They'd never tell me to do any particular chore. They'd always complete each chore before I was ever aware it existed. If I ever noticed them doing some chore and expressed interest in joining, they'd always say, "no, I've got it, don't worry".

Then after the fact they'd just generically scold/shame me for being selfish and rude because I never helping out in the house and have zero life skills or consideration for others' tireless work.

And they'd actually make me believe it's true because I was indeed never helping out in the house. But it was only due to the stupid unecessary social dynamic of their own creation. They actually expected that I magically guess/assume what they want the house to look like, race them to do the chore before they do, and successfully fight them when they insist politely on doing it. No wonder when I was a kid I thought chores were so hard. As soon as I left home for college I just naturally did all chores effortlessly with no problem.

Some-Basket-4299 Report

Final score:

20points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

It's good they don't find chores a problem. I think most people who were never taught how to do things around the house will struggle

7points

#43

Smacking. I don’t think I realised how much it affected me because I don’t go around hitting people but I’m definitely affected by it. What was scariest was that they would do it calmly.

Like, they both agreed at some stage that a smack is an acceptable form of punishment. My sister & I would be disobedient (within normal childhood limits) and we would be taken to our rooms, over the knee, and smacked.

It was traumatic. I can understand & empathise with a parent that gives a child a smack because they are at their wits end super stressed because they usually feel immense guilt afterwards. But my parents love to tout the ‘children don’t come with manuals’ diatribe to excuse their inability to research anything.

Mayflie Report

Final score:

20points

POST

Rach 1 year ago

My mum loved to tell me her success as a mum was when I as a toddler "purposefully pushed a cup off my high chair". She slapped my hand and I never did that again. I STILL have a hard time enforcing boundaries with her and her victim personality.

5points

#44

Pitted my brothers and me against each other for approval. My older brother gotr praise for good grades and musical talent, younger brother for being great athlete, youngest brother for being the baby of the family, sister was daddy's little girl. I was the loser with no talent (not true, I was just too shy to show myself for fear of being laughed at...which I was often).

My dad terrorized me (fear of heights) and laughed while my mom literally stood by and took pictures of me crying.

ChrisNEPhilly Report

Final score:

19points

POST

tabithapaquette98 1 year ago

Your parents sucked sweetie. I'm so sorry

8points

#45

abusing your child verbally and physically and gaslighting them into thinking it never happened. also leaving them to take care of their toddler sibling at at 8 for a while is pretty high up there. also just kicking your teen/pre-teen out whenever you feel like it because you "have the power to do that"

MxMilk Report

Final score:

18points

POST

crowspectre (he/they) 1 year ago

My mom constantly denies saying s**t to me (like when I was a 6 year old and asked if I had adhd (a doctor has suggested it, I don't have it but it was a valid question) and she said I was just lazy and attention seeking) and then says I'm the one gaslight8ng her when I bring it up

4points

#46

Starting at 4 I went to the daycare at 8:00 and was one of the last ones there. The summer between 2nd and 3rd grade mom couldn’t afford daycare for both of us so I became a 7 year old latch key kid.

javabean808 Report

Final score:

17points

POST

Sandra Gleeson 1 year ago

I was a latchkey kid too, never went to daycare, they would never even have thought of that. I was also 7 when it started. Before school my job was to make all of the beds and do the dishes. When I got home I would do some washing or start dinner. This is normal for a lot of European children.

11points

#47

Not trusting me that I'll be able to take care of myself. My mom was so overprotective that I wasn't allowed to stay in my groupmate's house for sleepover. This was for my thesis and I was in college. We were 4 in the group. I was chatting with them through Skype throughout the entire night. haha!

shespokestyle Report

Final score:

17points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

They must have been in their mid twenties then... *slowly shakes feathered head*

8points

#48

Comparing my sister and I, making us compete for their approval. "X, why can't you be independent like Y?", "Y, look at your sister's grades. You should learn from her".

It is so engraved in our brains that we compete naturally and subconsciously now, even as adults. No need to say that our relationship isn't the best.

alimacallenotna Report

Final score:

17points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

Making everyone feeling inferior in the process, great parenting 👍/s

7points

#49

Saying „don’t talk back, be better than him”, like literally if someone was talking s**t to me they would always tell me to ignore it, because it’s not worth it. After some time I realize that there are very few situation when you should ignore this, and in most cases you should stand up for yourself and not allow something like this

Jamato42 Report

Final score:

16points

POST

TomCat 1 year ago

Yeah, I wish I learned this a lot sooner. I've allowed people to walk all over me my entire life.

3points

#50

Withholding food

t8ertotTHOTdish Report

Final score:

16points

POST

Sarel Seerower 1 year ago

Wtf?!

2points

#51

I’m still a teen living with my parents but their are definitely a lot of things they do wrong that I don’t need to be grown to realize. One thing that comes to mind is my mother always just wants peace and to look at the good side which isn’t always bad but, with her that means if someone does something bad she will find the smallest good to make them seem okay. A few days ago I was talking to my mom about a friends mom who bought us some fast food and my mother knowing I don’t like this friends mom says “see she’s not all bad” now this friends mom is extremely emotionally abusive I can not stress the amount of pain she puts her child in and my mother knows this and is saying she isn’t all bad because she bough some $20 fast food. She also just doesn’t listen to me I remember I told her a therapist I had at the time was saying a lot of s****y things and that I didn’t trust him and don’t feel comfortable telling him things, she told me we’re going to keep seeing him “just in case I wanna kill myself” as If I didn’t just tell her I didn’t trust him and wasn’t comfortable talking to him. It was weeks before I convinced her to let me leave him

anon Report

Final score:

15points

POST

Brainmas 1 year ago

It's nice to be able to see the good in people, but you can't use it to gloss over the glaringly terrible stuff. If I was the mom, I wouldn't want you going to that friend's house much, but would definitely want your friend to come home with you.

7points

Traditional_Hall_268 Report

#52

My father was somewhat abusive for a long time, and so was my mother. I thought it was normal. I thought the yelling and the hitting was just what parenting normally was.

Final score:

15points

POST

JESSIE WENTWORTH 1 year ago

Same here.

3points

#53

That evrrything had to be just perfect. Add a kid who was a rule follower, undiagnosed ADHD and my perfectionist stream is a mile wide.

And now as an adult my mum doesn’t actually understand perfectionism. I’ve literally got ‘if you were a perfectionist you’d at least have a clean house’

Thanks mum.

Lozzif Report

Final score:

13points

POST

Spencer's slave 1 year ago

There's a HUGE difference between clean and tidy. When mine were growing the house would look like a complete bomb site at times but there was no dust, dirt on the floors, scum in the bathroom and toilet etc. Untidy is so far from dirty.

5points

heckin_chill_4_a_sec Report

#54

My mom has 4 daughters, I'm the youngest one. We didn't have lots of money, but we had what we needed.

Unfortunately, as the 4th kid this is often the limit of parental support you'll get. I get that 4 kids are a TON of work and I'll forever be proud of my mom for the way she raised us all, but honestly, I was a pretty bright kid with a lot of interest in music, art, computers and such, when I wasn't reading I was drawing, ALL THE TIME. I wrote stories, I drew comics, I read several books per week as a kid, the whole shebang. I sometimes wish my mother would've picked up on that more, maybe some guitar lessons or better drawing utensils, maybe just some not-so-obviously-feigned interest in my hobbies. (She did what she could but she's a terrible liar). She loved that I was reading so much of course, but without anyone to engage with it just became a way of escaping reality instead of leaving my comfort zone and doing something new.

Anyway, it became next to impossible for me to share anything I've worked on with anybody because I felt like I annoyed people, and over the years I kinda stopped working on personal projects bc I felt stupid about it.

So yeah, TL;DR: wish my mom would've cultivated my interests a bit more. Its hard to find a hobby as a grown up lol

Final score:

13points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

This doesn't sound toxic to me, just a little thoughtless. Mom at least tried

7points

#55

My parents were great for the most part, there's only one thing that I would consider bad. And that's saying "You need to try your best in school" now this doesn't sound bad right? I would agree, but anytime I did bad on a test I would get this long lecture about how I need to "try my best and Do my work" Which really made it feel like that my best was never enough, I'm pretty much over it now, but boy the easiest way to get on my nerves now is to suggest that I'm not doing my best.

Jaxofalltradez Report

Final score:

13points

POST

Hope Of The Screaming Frogs 1 year ago

Me: *tells my mom about a friends thats a youtuber* Mom: *gives 782 hour lecure on how bad social media is even tho she has like 3000 social media apps and youtube wouldent even be considered a social media*

3points

cringelord69420666 Report

#56

Terrorized me for getting in trouble at school. Hey, uhhhh... maybe public school isn't the greatest environment for someone with Asperger's. And no, I don't have ADD or ADHD and I certainly don't need medication for my misdiagnosis. Thanks for the tardive dyskinesia though!

Final score:

13points

POST

Zephyr 1 year ago (edited)

Wish I got a diagnosis for ADHD growing up, maybe I would have gotten the help I need, I hate feeling like my brains a fire cracker, can't focus on a particular thing for more than 3 mins without my mind wandering, alcohol helps to quiet my mind, pain killers used to but the health implications put me off it, now I just listen to music constantly to relax and focus, wish my parents considered mental health issues instead of taking me to church for "deliverance" sessions as a kid lol, would go to a therapist if I could afford it but nah here in Africa just looking at a psychiatric hospital too long will have be labeled as a schizophrenic, so alcohol and music it is, wish me luck

3points

#57

Low-key blackmail me. My mom stared to realise that whenever she would want me to do something, I was much more likely to do it when she offered something in return. So like if she wanted me to go to the barber, I would get a packet of chips or some chocolate as a reward of sorts.

But as time went by this started to escalate as I became more of a problem child (not doing my homework or studying, skipping school) and she turned from giving me stuff to make me do work to taking stuff from me to get me to do stuff. I used to love my PC and used to love to game because I didn't really have much of a social life in real life so I would rely on it to remain sane. My mom having realised how important it was to me would tell me stuff like 'The next time you don't go to school/ don't do your homework/ do x or y chore, you don't get to play on your computer for a day.'

While this might work for a lot of people (I'm aware that grounding your kids is relatively normal) this essentially was a learning experience for me. I realised that I could use their means against them and ensure that I get my way. I started to ask myself, 'What do my parents care about?' and the only thing they cared more than my education or social life was my wellbeing and health.
Knowing this, everytime my mom give me an ultimatum I would tell her, if she pulls the wire on the WiFi or hide my PC somewhere, I would starve myself for the rest of the day.

At first, my parents thought I wouldn't be able to handle it but they very quickly realised I didn't give a c**p if I didn't eat for a day or two and were essentially forced to accept that they can't really punish me by taking stuff because I would just ruin my own health to spite them.

This behaviour escalated to the point I would just use my own body against them to get the things I wanted or do whatever I wanted with no restraints. So to parents who might be doing this, please make sure your kids don't end up like I did.

(Apologise for bad English I'm not a native speaker)

PrasZ Report

Final score:

12points

POST

Sarel Seerower 1 year ago

I don't think saying you can't play computer games if you don't do your homework is bad. I think OP's reaction is bad.

6points

#58

At one point I was pretty much my mums therapist, I stopped talking to her and told her to get real help after she admitted while driving that she wants to wrap us around a big tree. To this day I don't think she has gotten help.

LumpDinosaur Report

Final score:

12points

POST

#59

The tooth fairy gave me $20 per tooth, so I rushed to get a few out.

BBoySlim , Jelleke Vanooteghem Report

Final score:

11points

POST

Rach 1 year ago

I need your tooth fairy

3points

#60

All they ever cared about is sending my sister and I to university and never thought about the consequences (They both had degrees themselves).They never really encouraged us to pursue other hobbies or non-uni options. It back-fired big time my sister is in a crappy grad job and me realizes university was a waste of time. I also discovered new interests which I would probably never had discovered if I was still living with my parents.

ParaniodUser Report

Final score:

11points

POST

#61

I wasn’t aware of it as a child; I am the oldest of three boys five and six years apart (my younger brother is five years younger than me, and the youngest is six years younger than him). Only the middle brother was planned, and in retrospect, it showed. He was the most favored and the youngest was next most favored because he was the baby. So I got all the emotional neglect and trust issues.

Eroe777 Report

Final score:

11points

POST

#62

My parents were great with me, but of course no one is perfect so here's mine: Constantly blaming on us (me and my brothers) that the house was dirty and untidy to the point we were convinced we were a disaster. It was interesting when I moved out and realized my dorm first and my apartment later were always pretty neat while the family house was still a mess. The funny thing is that they will still blame it on us when we go back to spend a holiday with them or so. Gotta love them.

Dr_Chemiramen Report

Final score:

11points

POST

Ace 1 year ago

No, you don't "gotta love em".

4points

#63

My parents did a phenomenal job with me and my siblings but there are two things I wish they had done differently -

1. it wasn’t good for my work ethic to be told how smart I was all the time, because it definitely made me feel like I didn’t have to try very hard in school or at extracurriculars or at work.

2. Rather than let my brother and I resolve our own problems, my mother would always just make snap judgements about who was right or wrong, which could not be appealed, and I believe that ultimately created a lot of distance between us for a long time. It felt like we grew up as adversaries, always trying to use her mom-power against each other. It made me bitter because as the older brother I rarely got the benefit of the doubt and I resented how easily he could get me in trouble if he wanted to.

Timegoat Report

Final score:

10points

POST

Lauren S 1 year ago

I try to praise my son for working hard, for sticking with it until he figured it out. Things like that. Somethings go smoothly like repeatedly trying to hit a baseball and others take a lot of encouragement and require breaks (sometimes tearful breaks, we just need to get our emotions out) like writing. But we stick with it and I’m there with him to help (well, not baseball, I couldn’t hit a ball to save my life but I can talk you through how you feel about hitting or missing the ball) .

5points

#64

I am 13 but had to mature at 5.Favorites, underplaying your kids,don’t accept your kids opinions,Yell at them for something out of there control and force you to do something that you want them to do

The_Lobster_Haker Report

Final score:

10points

POST

Boatswain Bill 1 year ago

This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

showMeYourCroissant Report

#65

hmm, there was [this doozy](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/a85w78/whats_the_most_strangely_unique_punishment_you/ec8cujt/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3), my mom liked to use a cutting board on me as a fairly common punishment, plus there was a handful of times i can recall my dad trying to start a fistfight with me (yelling at me to "put em up"). oh and all the times my belongings were under threat of being taken out to the driveway and destroyed in a number of different ways purely because i didn't look away from the TV fast enough or whatever.

kbyyru Report

Final score:

10points

POST

#66

Carrying their burdens, which lead to me neglecting myself and not having a sense of identity.

TheSilverCrystal Report

Final score:

10points

POST

#67

Overall I had good parents, but they're human so they made mistakes.

I would say communication was the biggest issue. They didn't communicate well with each other, and they didn't communicate well with my brother and me. I often didn't feel safe to talk about issues, a lot of times I got the reply: "You're making a big fuss over nothing" or something like that. I didn't feel like I was taken seriously.

Vaalermoor Report

Final score:

10points

POST

#68

Kinda everything: constant screaming, being toxic af, drinking, not letting me to do anything, fueling my anxiety and making me scared of outside and people (and then being mad at me for not going outside lmao), not making sure I have at least normal education, not buying me encyclopedias I wanted, not caring about my actual talents but forcing me to play piano, s******g on anything I'm interested in, dragging me to clinic everytime I sneeze but closing eyes on my mental health, not caring how I look etc etc etc...

Final score:

10points

POST

#69

Well it's not a new realisation, but;

My dad (although he's an amazing person and my absolute most consistent support system and role model) was barely every around when I was growing up. He didn't notice until I actually confronted my parents a few years ago. It meant I had to take care of myself way earlier in life than most kids ought to.

My mom was an alcoholic when I was growing up. She won't admit it, but my two older siblings both agree. In her "defense" she was doing it to cope with the fact that my stepfather was beating her (and partially myself). Despite understanding her perspective after a *lot* of conversations about it, I'd say she was not being a good parent. She also tried to convince me that a lot of my worst traumas growing up were just bad dreams. Took a lot of therapy for me to stop being constantly angry over this.

On the other hand, though, I taught myself to view the whole situation as a lesson on what *not* to do if I ever become a parent, rather than just hating my parents for it.

zethrick Report

Final score:

9points

POST

#70

Saying things are bad without saying why

RepresentativeDuck18 Report

Final score:

9points

POST

Mysteria 1 year ago

YES! My parents told me not to use a certain tv remote but didn’t say why. I didn’t find anything wrong with it so I kept using it. Got in trouble two times before learning that the specific remote messed up the order in the tv so it sometimes doesn’t shut off properly

0points

#71

My dad "motivating" me through guilt trips.

xtzferocity Report

Final score:

9points

POST

#72

Saying that I couldn't do anything or handle anything

Small_Tax_9432 Report

Final score:

8points

POST

#73

I had nearly 0 restrictions growing up. Didn't ever have a curfew or told I couldn't go somewhere even if far away.
They left me to watch the trailer by myself that we camped in the summers sometimes and I'd party hard doing drugs and drinking under 18.
I'm doing things a lot differently as I don't want my kids involved with those things. Sure I had lots of fun but also lost many friends and saw lot's of messed up things along the way and would have wanted more time to be a kid and actually have some discipline.
My parents were/are super nice and that is/was their problem lol.

Growerofgreens Report

Final score:

8points

POST

Feathered Dinosaur 1 year ago

No parenting is also bad parenting

6points

LusciousLennyStone Report

#74

Had children.

Final score:

7points

POST

HelluvaHedgehogAlien 1 year ago

Ah yes relatable

2points

#75

I feel a little awkward writing this because I'm currently living with my family and getting on better with my parents than I sometimes have. That said:

- Not teaching me how to escape from situations in terms of logistics and transport. Independence was always about how to get from a to b by myself (or from one carer to another), not how to leave b and get to a by myself.

Because I have communication and emotional issues, that made me feel trapped and created a lot of unnecessary conflict when I couldn't escape the scene, which in turn made my parents and other people think I was less mature than I actually was.

I don't mean that they didn't teach me how to leave a place socially, but rather that they didn't teach me the practical part of it. I'd be taught how to get on a plane to go on holiday, not how to leave the house and get a plane home, and so on.

And this was a problem if I wanted to *stay* somewhere as well, sometimes, because they'd want me to leave at the same time unless I was really mature enough to go where I pleased in that situation, or someone didn't mind looking after me.

- Being too "normal" as parents. Despite supporting me financially now to go to a specialist school and buying me equipment and stuff for my hobby, and despite being a little eccentric themselves, they both had very regular jobs and I think they kind of expected me to be a more regular person in that way.

In hindsight, perhaps there would have been serious downsides, but I envy the kinds of parents who would, well, you know, some kid who's into music and they book them a set at a bar, or some kid who starts a business and they give them some legal framework for it.

In hindsight, maybe this is too much to expect from them, and honestly, I've taken the tremendous support they *have* given me for granted, but it's frustrating to know that I could have been luckier in that way.

- Worrying that certain things would be a nuiscance

I sometimes feel like my parents treat the house a bit like a museum. Although they do sometimes allow me to film there with a crew, I feel like I can't change it as much as I'd like or else I'd get into trouble.

In my teens, I was no longer allowed to invite large numbers for birthday parties because they were afraid the place would get trashed or something.

- Getting me to meet other adults

This shouldn't be considered bad parenting; I would always feel excluded when they were invited without me, whether I liked the adults or not, and I was quite lonely compared to other kids.

But it meant that I invested a lot of time and energy into certain people who didn't see me as equals, and also meant that I had a lot of traumatic experiences with people whose lives weren't as long as the average young person's would be.

- Taking me to the wrong schools

My first school was adequate as schools go, but it was a private school and it made me very sheltered from the reality of the world for most people. My second school was too rough for me, I got teased and it was not really suitable in that way.

It wasn't their fault, but I also think a lack of understanding of my condition was a problem for me growing up.

- Gender issues

This is the one exception. I'm getting on worse with them on this one.

kafka123 Report

Final score:

4points

POST

Karin Jansen 1 year ago

Hmm.. I'm very sorry to write this, but I fail to see how any of this is 'quite toxic'. In fact, I fail to see anything slightly wrong here (maybe apart from reassuring a kid it's always OK to leave/call to be picked up). It seems a little like finding reasons to blame these parents for non issues. For example: if you're old enough to play a set in a bar, you're old enough to book it.

11points