There’s nothing more beautiful than being in love. The world is a little bit brighter when you have someone to cuddle up with each night, and knowing that you always have someone ready to provide support and laughter is a wonderful feeling. But when what was once a “perfect” relationship crumbles, it can be challenging knowing how to pick up the pieces and move on. 

No matter how many times we remind ourselves not to make that phone call, send that text message or respond to our ex’s Instagram story, it seems that many of us can’t resist. In fact, research has found that 40-50% of people have reunited with a former love to rekindle their relationship. But that doesn’t mean this is a good idea, as people in these on-again relationships tend to report lower satisfaction, feeling less validation, less love, lower sexual satisfaction and less fulfillment of their needs. 

So why do we reach out to our exes anyway? Isn’t trying the same thing and expecting different results insanity? According to Master Certified Relationship Coach Amie Leadingham, relationships end for a reason. "However, there are some circumstances where exes might reach out to each other," she told Bored Panda. "Maybe a partner realizes they were wrong about the breakup and wants to rekindle the relationship, or they know they are better off as friends than partners."

So if you're going to reach out to your ex, Amie says to be sensitive. "Ask yourself, what is the purpose of me trying to connect again? Is it to build a friendship or more? Lower your expectations of the outcome as well," the expert shared. "Your ex has the right not to be on the same page as you. If your ex has told you they no longer want you to reach out. You must respect their boundaries."

While it's not the case for most relationships, Amie says she has seen some exes get back together after a long breakup. "They both did their own journey of healing, developed themselves and got back together as a healthier version of their relationship," she explained.

But if you're struggling with an ex who won't stop contacting you, Amie says it is essential to have your boundaries respected. "Let your ex know you no longer want any more communication. Be direct and clear with your communication."

"If your ex will not stop contacting you, then you must create those boundaries yourself," Amie continued. "Blocking their number could be a good start. If you fear for your safety, it's important to contact local authorities to help create stronger boundaries and learn ways to protect yourself."

If you'd like to hear more words of wisdom from Amie the Dating Coach, be sure to visit her website!

We were also lucky enough to get in touch with UK-based Dating and Relationship Coach Rachel New to hear her thoughts on the topic. “After breaking up with someone, it’s a good idea to take time to process the emotions and the thoughts. We might feel grief, sadness, anger, fear, depression, anxiety as well as relief, excitement, exhilaration and hope,” the expert told Bored Panda. 

“There will be all the reasons why we broke up, but there will also be other voices in our head saying, ‘Now I’m all alone’ and ‘What is wrong with me?’ and ‘Maybe I should’ve tried harder to make it work.’ Getting in touch with our ex often happens when we’re feeling despondent, alone or just miss them,” Rachel explained. “But that’s not a good time to do it. We are just trying to give ourselves instant relief from the negative emotions, instead of letting ourselves sit with and process them. It’s very painful but essential.”

Alongside the grieving and processing, Rachel recommends that people fresh out of relationships make a list of what they want for their life and what kind of partner will support that journey. “Who will bring out the best in us and allow us to be ourselves? What kind of shared journey could we have together? Then when you start thinking about getting in touch or getting back together, use this list to help you decide whether your ex fits with your values, dreams and aspirations,” the coach shared. “Only make decisions about contacting them when you’re feeling good and with evidence from your list!”

Rachel says we also need to be honest with ourselves about the reasons why we want to get back in touch. “Is it because you miss them and need quick relief from that, or is it because you are serious about exploring getting back together and need to have some purposeful conversations about how things would need to be different if you did?” 

If you just want relief because you’re feeling lonely, Rachel says it’s probably not the best time to reach out. “The need for a warm connection with your ex is like an addiction and you’re going [to have to quit] cold turkey,” she explained. “Instead of getting a hit from your drug, you need some strategies to meet your emotional needs in other ways, such as cuddling a teddy bear, seeing a good friend, starting a new hobby, or walking a dog.”

But if you are actually serious about getting back together, Rachel says you’ll need to plan what to discuss, what your needs are, what you’d like to change, and what other information you’ll need from them. “This decision shouldn’t be a spontaneous one, but something considered and well-thought out,” she noted.

You also might want to contact an ex for more information about why you broke up, to help you process it and learn from it. “This is often used as a cover for the first reason – to get quick relief from the pain or grief or desire to be close – so think carefully about your motives,” Rachel pointed out.

And sometimes it’s necessary to communicate with our exes, for example, if you have children together. “You’ll need to find a way to communicate, perhaps with the help of a coach or mediator, that is productive and focused on practical tasks and solutions,” Rachel says. “You could agree on boundaries such as only discussing the children in your messages, only using one platform to communicate, and using language that is business-like and respectful, as if you are work colleagues.”

“If you are going to contact your ex, make it clear why you are getting in touch and what you want,” Rachel told Bored Panda. “Otherwise it’s not fair on them while they are trying to process and move forward. Think about the language you’re using so that you’re creating a new way of interacting, rather than just going back to how things were.”

“And it might be best to ask if it’s okay to get in touch, given a specific reason,” the dating expert continued. “You could say, ‘How would you feel about occasionally messaging each other, so we can stay updated about each other’s families?’ or ‘Would you be open to meeting up to talk about why we broke up, to help me make sense of it?’ If they say no, respect that.”

While Rachel says that it’s possible to break up several times and then eventually become happily married for decades, often getting back together is done for purely emotional reasons and the underlying challenges are not dealt with. “Both parties need to feel their needs are being heard and that their partner is willing to explore ways to meet them," Rachel shared. 

“Some people have a pattern of breaking up and getting back together many times. The make-up sex can be amazing, but there are many other reasons for getting back together, such as fear of losing someone they’re meant to be with, fear of abandonment or rejection or being alone, or an inability to tolerate negative emotions,” the expert explained. “I work with lots of people going through break-ups and talking it through and making sense of it really helps. It can be a lonely time and we crave that closeness with someone we’ve shared a lot of experiences with, someone that gets us and knows us.”

Rachel also says it can be very distressing if an ex won’t stop contacting you. “The quickest way to get over each other is not to have any contact for about six months. It’s very hard, but it works,” she told Bored Panda. “Not having contact via social media is an essential part of this. You are going cold turkey, so you don’t want any new data from them at all. Don’t give yourself the opportunity to see any photos of them via other people’s social media either. You will both need to agree and understand the reasons why this works. If your ex doesn’t stick to it, try communicating again why this approach works and why you need their help to do it.”

“If you are inconsistent with an ex who keeps contacting you – sometimes encouraging them by replying, even just to tell them not to contact you – they are less likely to stop,” Rachel continued. “Communicate one last time, firmly and calmly, that you are quite sure that you don’t want to be in touch. After that, not responding at all usually works but may take time. Next, you can block them. Remember, being consistent is important: if you block them on Whatsapp but not on Instagram it won’t work. And you can block them from a place of empowerment and in a healthy way: it doesn’t have to be done from anger or fear.”

“Breaking up is very painful and brings up all our vulnerabilities and deepest longings. Take care of yourself and show compassion and kindness towards yourself,” Rachel says. “Endings are an inevitable part of life and can be healthy – don’t try to minimize or escape from the grieving process. Try to visualize yourself in a year’s time, free from your attachment: will you be happy you moved on and gave yourself the chance to meet someone who’s a better fit?”

If you’d like to hear more dating advice from Rachel, be sure to visit her website or purchase her dating workbook!

Are you rethinking sending that risky text to your ex after reading through these pics, pandas? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to reach out, but remember to choose your words wisely and carefully. And it might be best to keep them to yourself altogether! Keep upvoting the pics you find particularly amusing, and then if you’re interested in reading even more cringey interactions between former lovers, check out this Bored Panda article next!