Nobody likes to be placed in a box. But unfortunately, society loves to put everyone in boxes. Men might have more privilege than women in many places, but that doesn’t make them immune to the harm of toxic masculinity. The idea that a woman must be a certain way works in the opposite direction as well. Men are expected to be strong, take up space, be unafraid of anything, be unemotional and apparently, they’re not allowed to enjoy self-care or anything relaxing. We know that guys are just as capable as women of being sensitive, emotional, artistic, and loving, but some people seem to ignore that idea and equate masculinity with loud cars that pollute the earth and eating mass quantities of meat.

My partner self identifies as a “soy boy” because we don’t eat meat, and instead eat a lot of tofu and tempeh, but this phrase has been used as an insult by many men who seem to be a bit less confident in their masculinity. The idea that eating soy products makes someone less of a man or that it lowers testosterone levels (it doesn't) is just one of the arbitrary beliefs placed on men to try to keep them in a box and narrow the definition of masculinity. This list is full of similar examples, so we hope you get a kick out of reading them, but it’s also a bit painful to realize that some people actually posted these ideas unironically…

Now, don’t get me wrong. I hope it goes without saying that it is perfectly fine to be a guy who really does love football, cars, fishing, drinking beers, fixing cars, eating steak and working out. Plenty of people enjoy these things, regardless of their gender! But the point is that we have to understand that these are not gender-specific interests. Plenty of women know how to fix up a car, and plenty of guys don’t. That doesn’t change their gender identity one bit. And we can’t look down on anyone else who doesn’t share the same interests we do. We’re all free to choose how we like to spend our time, but deciding to expend energy shaming others is just a waste of time.

Just like strict gender roles and expectations can have a negative impact on women, the same can be said for men. Toxic masculinity is often used to perpetuate ideas such as “boys will be boys”, allowing boys and men to get away with inappropriate behavior because that’s just how they are! They can’t help it! The pressure to look and act a certain way can also have devastating effects on the mental health of boys and men. When they’re taught they can’t share their emotions or open up, it’s easy for their internal struggles to go unnoticed and unaddressed.  

“Men tend to keep so much bottled up inside. This includes all the traumas and heart-breaking moments. Eventually there has to be a release. And too often that is in an explosive way,” says Ron Blake, a social justice activist and public speaker. When men aren’t taught how to express their emotions, they can become overwhelmed easily when they don’t know what to do with their feelings. This can lead to expressions of physical violence, such as sexual violence, domestic abuse, gun violence or physical dominance. When kept on the inside, these undealt feelings often manifest in depression, addiction or even suicide. It’s dangerous for everyone to impose rigid views of masculinity.

While men and women are both prone to struggling with mental health issues, men are far more likely to die by suicide and far less likely to utilize mental health services. So what should we be doing to combat this toxic masculinity? According to Mens Group, it’s important to first identify your role in these gender norms and what beliefs you hold that you want to challenge. “If you were abusive in your relationships, you need to learn better coping mechanisms and cope with anger,” Mens Group explains. “You can only find a way forward by first understanding where you are. It starts with self-examining your behavior and identifying areas that require positive change.”

Combating toxic masculinity will also likely lead to some difficult or uncomfortable conversations. “This is achievable by talking to people of the opposite gender identities and expressions,” Mens Group notes. “You need to talk about gender biases concerning masculinity. This will give you an understanding of how your behavior affects people of the opposite gender.”

“Men need to learn not to get defensive when having these difficult conversations. The aim of the talks should be to seek understanding, which helps to facilitate positive change.”

It’s important that we educate young boys that there really is no “box” they need to fit into. It’s all arbitrary. They can make their own decisions about what they are interested in and how they want to express themselves, and we should never make them feel guilty or looked down upon for showing emotions. Teach boys to help out around the house and in the kitchen just as much as their sisters, and teach them to respect all people, regardless of their gender, sexual orientation, interests, etc. Essentially, combating toxic masculinity should be as simple as raising boys and girls equally and never shaming boys for being themselves. But unfortunately, due to the way society currently is, it takes a bit of correcting past prejudices.   

The Book of Man also notes that when fighting toxic masculinity, one great step is to dare to be vulnerable with your male friends, to show them that it’s okay and even welcomed. “Show strength by crying. Do this in the knowledge that all men go through emotional difficulties. Daily!” they write. “It’s true that if one man shows it’s okay to do something, we, as pack animals, tend to follow. So open up yourself, and become that person your friends open up to too. Men tend to either keep emotional traumas to themselves or go for female support. While the latter is a wonderful thing, surely we can make a decision to serve that support role to our buddies too. But it takes a hardy soul to stick their neck above the parapet first to see if we’re in the clear to do so. Be that soul.”