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Being a good person is a lifelong task. And it's not always clear if we're on the right path or not. Our psyche is so complex and there are so many forces shaping it that we often don't even notice the ways in which we change.
However, if we want to have a say in what becomes of us, self-awareness is critical. There are many ways to tap into it, but the first step is usually taking an honest look at ourselves. That includes the flaws too. It can be challenging to break our defenses and explore the deepest corners of our personality, but as cliche as it sounds, nobody's perfect, and the sooner we realize that, the easier it can be.
To help ourselves accept that, let's look at a Reddit post, created by user fafifafufa. More specifically, its comments—after the Redditor asked everyone, "What's your most toxic trait you can admit to?", many folks provided honest answers about themselves. Here are some of them.
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#1
I’m an unintentional one-upper.
I’m not trying to steal the attention during a story or cut you off, I’m just overly excited that I can relate to you and want to share my similar story.
#2
I'm emotionally unavailable. Sometimes I just disappear. My closest friends understand this but it's off putting for new friendships. It's nothing personal, I just need to recharge.
#3
I'm extremely insecure and overthink a lot, I feel constant fear of being disliked or abandoned, I need a lot of reassurance in things because my anxiety makes me so scared and worried I either hold on too tight or I push people away even though I want them close which only end up hurting them more.
#4
Growing up feeling very unknown/unseen, I have a tendency to overshare and get excited if someone shows an interest in me. It can come across as overriding and waiting for someone to finish what they are saying just so I can say my thing. I also want people to genuinely like me so I tell them a lot of the bad or difficult stuff right away, so they are pre-warned and I don't feel like I'm wasting my time with someone who can't handle the sh*t that lead to who I am now, and the people I still interact with on a semi-regular basis (mainly family)
#5
I just don't care about most things and that apathy has done a lot of harm to myself and others
#6
I can’t let go of things and I take things way too personally. I rationalize it like this “I wouldn’t dream of saying or doing something like that to this person, so why are they doing it to me?”.
Also, I procrastinate like no other. Seriously, you could give me a year, or 2 days to do something. Wouldn’t make a difference.
#7
I'm bad at keeping in touch with people I care about. The phrase out of sight out of mind is really true for me. I tend to just be absorbed by what's right in front of me. It's very rare that I would have a thought like I wonder how my sister is doing or I wonder how such-and-such friend is doing after xyz event or even I wonder how my girlfriends day is going. I care about these people obviously, but they also don't seem to naturally occur to me in my daily thoughts. This unfortunately leaves it up to everyone else to reach out to me, to hang, to make the invitation, to chat, etc. I'm always super stoked when they do, but I regret putting that on them. I'm fortunate that they do all make the effort. I am a good friend... like with anything else I do, when I'm with someone I'm very much absorbed in that interaction, so that I think helps put away any doubts about my interest in the relationship.
Another aspect of it is that I always imagine that everyone else has something going on. I don't want to interrupt or put any pressure of having to accept an invitation on them. I don't know what it's like to be bored at home wishing there was something fun to go out and do.... if I have free time like that I relish in it as a chance to play some video games or watch a movie. I'm a total home body. I have no problem filling my days with productive things/recreation/sports that I enjoy doing on my own. Maybe I lived alone too long and got too good at it.
Bottom line I am trying to better at being the one to reach out. Because I know deep down that it feels good to hear spontaneously from your friends and loved ones, and I want them to feel good.
Cordelia Carstairs 2 years ago
i relate so much! I just have a hard time believing that people might actually enjoy my company so I leave it to them to reach out. In my head (though it may be irrational) everyone finds me annoying if I speak without being spoken to, so to speak. I'm trying to stop, but it's not easy.
#8
I’m rude to my parents. I had a kind of a rough upbringing but they are more or less nice to me now, but sometimes I just get annoyed at them for no reason. I tried to be nicer to them for years but sometimes I just can’t. I wonder if other people can relate.
#9
I am extremely self deprecating. I don't even let others say nice things about me when I myself won't, going so far as to even try and explain why someone's wrong whenever they try to compliment me about something, I just refute it.
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
Yes! Whenever someone compliments me, I react by basically telling them why they're wrong. (Example: "good job on that project!" "Thanks, here's a list of things wrong with that project.") I'm trying to stop. It's so reflexive, not doing it takes effort.
#10
I´m way too sarcastic. I do it with friends, family, at work, basically all the time.
Most times the joke lands well and it´s recieved with a laugh. But sometimes I f*cked up.
Not sure why I do it. Maybe I use humor as a defense mechanism like Chandler.
#11
Most of the time when I ask people for their opinions, I don’t actually want to hear 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 opinion. Instead I want to hear my opinion come out of their mouth. I’m always hoping that they will have the same opinion as me because it makes me feel validated. I don’t actually care about what they really think.
#12
I’ve had a best friend ghost me, so I can be really, really clingy now. Unsurprisingly, this encourages more people to ghost. I’m trying to nip it in the bud.
Ken, if you’re reading this, get bent.
#13
I overanalyze every single conversation I have with one specific person.
#14
After a fight I need time to cool off. I don't particularly like conflict. I feel like if I were to say everything I honestly thought in a fight, I would be incredibly hurtful, and so, distancing myself is a necessary step in repairing things, so I'm level headed enough to fix what needs fixing later. Not everything you think needs to be said, you should be selective imo.
Every partner I've had gets frustrated that I won't speak to them for a bit, even if I explicitly say that I need time to cool off.
Micah Chips 🇺🇦 2 years ago
i think that's shame on them, not on you. i do the same thing (in general, not just with partners and stuff. and people for me have been fine with it, it's normal.)
#15
I'm a people pleaser. Saying no isn't hard and it isnt something you should overlook as an option
#16
I have impossibly high standards for myself and I tend to place this on others as well. Then I get pissy/grouchy when people fail me. Deep down it is a self protection mechanism, having been let down by so many people, it is just easier to assume and expect the worst, that even the best of those I love will let me down.
#17
I’m a complainer.
Manton 2 years ago
I'm a fixer, when I hear a complaint from someone it's like a call to action reflex and I immediately go into, 'how do we fix the problem?' mode. What I have had to learn over time is that some people are so comfortable with complaining that fixing problems is a threat to their sense of self, like challenging their identity. I've had to reel it in, some people just want to vent, so I let them vent.
#18
I shut down rather than address my emotions and when others emote, I address them with logic. I'm basically a Vulcan.
#19
I’m not good at hiding my emotions. Specifically, if I’m in a bad mood, everyone knows it. I used to be an absolute nightmare when I was younger because of it; I’d turn my bad mood into everyone’s bad mood. I don’t do that anymore, but I’m still not good at hiding it.
Brandy Reed 2 years ago
Why do you have to hide how you feel? You don’t necessarily need to make everyone else feel the way you do. But your feelings are YOURS. Own them. In a healthy way.
#20
Admitting this to myself took a while, but I think I might be insecure and unsure of who I am to the point that I feel I need to entirely change my persona depending on who I'm with. Like I will be anyone you want me to be, as long as you accept me and like me. I'm so scared that people around me will leave that I've settled on mirroring other peoples behaviours and personalities so that they feel more comfortable and will stay. Who I am as a person depends entirely on who I'm around at that time because this feeds my need for social acceptance. So...basically a people pleaser to the extreme.
Cordelia Carstairs 2 years ago
same!!! I think of myself as a kind of chameleon. I'm so different in front of different people that they would have a hard time describing me to one another if they ever met. I guess it is a defence mechanism of a sort because I don't deal well with being disliked or judged. I'm trying to stop, but I'm really not sure how.
#21
I procrastinate to a concerning degree as well. I'm starting to think it's because whatever line of work I got myself into is something I hate so so much, and that's why it's so dreadful to start any project, because like, I have no problem being productive when it comes to my hobbies, it's just school/work/chores that I procrastinate on.
#22
I talk about myself way too much and don't ask about the other person nearly enough.
Probably not my most toxic trait but definitely the one that's giving me issues at the moment.
DennyS (denzoren) 2 years ago
As an introvert sometimes I don't mind when people do this....I don't mind listening and learning about them. You can maybe try that if you mention a personal trait ask if they have it too and see what they say.
#23
I'm very impatient with people and I tend to be very blunt. Sometimes in a rude way but I see that as justified. There's a lot of sh*t society sees as normal or somewhat normal and I'm just sick of it. I don't want to be nice anymore and I don't want to be patient. I just want it to stop. I'm very direct about it and usually I don't care if I'm not being nice.
#24
I hold grudges basically forever and I hate it. To put things in perspective with a little example, a childhood friend one time did something mean to me when we were 7. We kept talking after that, but whenever we did I would remember that day with ridiculous detail like it was etched with a laser on my brain. I finally let go of that grudge one day when we were casually remembering childhood moments and she remembered that day and apologized. About 20 years later.
Rachknits 2 years ago (edited)
Yeah, I can do this but I try to remember that I'm letting them live in my head rent free which can help with letting it go. They're quite happy getting along with their life, why should I let it affect mine? Resentments are like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person
#25
I'm very firm and stubborn at times about how I view the world in general. I like to call myself a realist, but I also understand that's exactly what a pessimist says.
MarmotArchivist 2 years ago (edited)
I'd call myself a realist. I used to be way more negative, because it's easier than beeing positive. I now make an effort to have a more positive view and I think it's worth it. But if my level of slightly optimistic-realistic is still viewed as pessimisitc, so be it. What I still can't stand are overly optimistic people.
#26
I've begun categorizing things into 'you problems' and 'me problems.' I can control my actions and reactions, and that's it. I can't control anything else. If someone is being an a**hole and upsets me, then that's a them problem and they need to work on that part of themselves. If they're acting with good intentions and it's an accident, then it's a me problem if I hold that against them. Lifting the responsibility off of myself for the actions of others and only establishing accountability for myself really has reduced my stress and guilt.
#27
I have a hard time accepting other people's limitations when it comes to mental health because I was never able to 'indulge' my own. I can't stop the heavy resentment and judgment I feel toward my roommates and friends when they hit the limits of what they can do. When there's a pile of dishes in the sink that my roommate hasn't gotten to because she doesn't have the energy, I get frustrated rather than sympathetic. When my friend talks about how paralyzed they are with phone anxiety I judge them for not getting over it and making the call even though I feel the same.
I've had severe depression and anxiety since I was 13 and suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder since college. I was the only child of a single mother and she didn't have time to be sympathetic. I learned to push through and function at all costs to myself. Laying in bed or not performing as expected wasn't an option I was given. Doing anything to ease my own pain wasn't on the table.
That mentality and the way I grew up fundamentally damaged me. The BPD is a direct result of that. Learning to be easy on myself and accept my own limitations, as well as those of others, is something I work on in therapy a lot. I just can't shift my mindset from the way I was raised into a more human approach to myself and others, and it turns me into a massive as*hole in moments where I should be my most understanding.
#28
Internalized homophobia. I went from refusing to believe I was gay to not wanting anyone else to know to still not really wanting people to know and not wanting to be “that gay.” Some gays got bullied or at least ridiculed and I made sure that wasn’t me.
#29
I can hold a grudge a long time
Tamra Stiffler 2 years ago
Grudges and resentments are the same, and resentment can be terribly unhealthy. Someone told me that hanging on to resentment is like drinking poison in order to try and kill the other person.
#30
I ghost people without reason. If I don’t feel to keep in touch with some people (not bc they’re bad or some sort), I won’t bother to reply their chat at least for a week (or longer if the chat went drowned) unless if it’s very important/urgent.
What do you think ?
Caro Caro 2 years ago (edited)
You??? I haven't noticed the anger issues. Your posts are always so kind.
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Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
I relate to at least 80% of this list. If I were to add my own, I would say that I can't handle difficult emotions (fear, anger, sadness) so I habitually numb them with addictive behaviors. Also, it's hard for me to feel happy. Like it doesn't happen often, and if it does it goes away as soon as I think about it.
BusLady 2 years ago
I also have problems dealing with those emotions. I deal with it by suppressing them and holding them inside. Any wonder that I have depression? As for addictive behavior the only one I have now is over eating. My weight is a challenge. I feel bad that it's hard for you to feel happy. Everyone deserves to feel happy.
Load More Replies... Lauren Kent 2 years ago
I'm really impressed with how self-aware people are. I think awareness is the first step in making positive changes. I sincerely wish for everyone that they get to where they want to be in themselves
BusLady 2 years ago
I agree. I imagine there are many people who can't recognize such traits in their personalities.
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Caro Caro 2 years ago (edited)
You??? I haven't noticed the anger issues. Your posts are always so kind.
Load More Replies... Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
I relate to at least 80% of this list. If I were to add my own, I would say that I can't handle difficult emotions (fear, anger, sadness) so I habitually numb them with addictive behaviors. Also, it's hard for me to feel happy. Like it doesn't happen often, and if it does it goes away as soon as I think about it.
BusLady 2 years ago
I also have problems dealing with those emotions. I deal with it by suppressing them and holding them inside. Any wonder that I have depression? As for addictive behavior the only one I have now is over eating. My weight is a challenge. I feel bad that it's hard for you to feel happy. Everyone deserves to feel happy.
Load More Replies... Lauren Kent 2 years ago
I'm really impressed with how self-aware people are. I think awareness is the first step in making positive changes. I sincerely wish for everyone that they get to where they want to be in themselves
BusLady 2 years ago
I agree. I imagine there are many people who can't recognize such traits in their personalities.
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